i’m listening to… sierra swan (she’s kinda like a mix between fiona apple and shirley manson of garbage). she’s actually pretty fucking cool.
i’m feeling… alright!
11:40 pm – i’m such a weirdo. i need adversity to succeed. i NEED an authority figure to tell me, “this is not going to work,” to want to try and make it work. my last journal entry was riddled with thoughts of doubt and self-loathing. the usual. but in this one… i’m feeling a little bit different. only for the time-being, though. it’s strange…
since then some things have happened here and there: a notable one that my mom has called and said, “you need to change your clothes,” blahblahblah, whereas the previous day, she woke me up to, “you should just stop doing the magazine.” negatives on both ends which pissed me off, which subsequently made me work harder. it’s interesting. when people say, “you’re doing a great job,” i still want to work, but less than when they say, “you’re doing a shitty job.” when no one says anything at all, sometimes i don’t want to work at all.
i’ve had a couple of job interviews recently. one today that was pretty fucking terrible. i’m so fucking awkward. if only i radiated confidence, i’d have a job. but i don’t. and i’m awkward and nervous and seem more subpar than i really am. unfortunately. i’m sure if i were more confident and outgoing, REDEFINE would be a fucking cinch. but i am just a girl who has always been a little clumsy and a little aloof… and i don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. i just need for something to work — then maybe i will be able to believe in myself to the point of erasing the awkwardness.
i really wanted the job that i interviewed BEFORE the job today… it was for madison park greeting cards. i think my design style would have really matched… but i didn’t even get a callback or a second interview. i got a fucking rejection letter in the MAIL. what is this? fucking college applications? give me a fucking call or answer my fucking e-mail… don’t write me a fucking letter. i don’t want to wait a week to hear that i’m rejected from a piece of fucking paper.
but hey, guess what. the HELIO SEQUENCE is playing my fucking show. that is a big fucking deal. ring the bells and tell some bitches.
what else to say? yesterday on xanga, there was a verbal assault war between arlen and i. he posted a post that i disagreed with, and i perhaps made the mistake of rashly concluding my post with “I THINK YOU’RE IGNORANT.” as soon as i posted that, i knew it was a mistake, because i knew the defenses would come up. and come up they did. there was lots of shit-talking, and in the end, some fucked up things were said. mostly to me. some things that i would not DREAM of saying to a FRIEND in a million years. some things that i wouldn’t even dream of saying to a stranger. that being said… i don’t care anymore. i never knew how big of a deal “respect” was to me. but it is a huge deal to me. i think respect is the LEAST you can give someone. but i figure is, if someone doesn’t respect me, i don’t need to return it. and so i won’t. i’m done =)
i was annoyed because people TOLD me they thought it was fucked up, but no one had the balls to tell that to arlen or some shit. everyone just said shit like, “you guys should hurry up and make up!” like there was nothing fucking wrong about the way he was talking to me. there was everything wrong with it. he’s said fucked up things to other people before… where instead of criticizing a certain thing, he criticized them as PEOPLE. extensively. and that’s where it is all fucked. yesterday, he said to me, “your perception is screwed.” i said, “ask anyone; it is YOUR perception that is screwed.” and he responded with, “i asked people about you; trust me, they didn’t have flattering things to say.” which… okay… but that has fuck shit to do with opinions about an issue; that has everything to do with me as a person. uhh okay, so i ask you about “perception,” and you can extend that to a person’s entire being?
i was quite bothered yesterday, but come today, after talking to people about it — i feel like although i could have made a different concluding sentence that was less antagonistic, in the larger picture, that’s not the point. i may be at fault for egging it on. maybe. but i was told more fucked up things than i have ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth — and that makes it NOT okay. in conclusion… i don’t need it. i’m not perfect. but you know what? no matter what anyone says to me, i KNOW i’m not racist. i KNOW i’m not a bigot. i’m not even fucking close and i have never been. i’m SURE that people say unflattering things about me — but you can’t please everyone… and that has nothing to do with anything anyways. at least i’m not intentionally trying to hurt people, and that’s the most i can give at this point. at least i’m trying. decisions are consciously made. to personally attack someone’s character is a conscious decision. i hold my tongue a lot because it’s not my place to say things. and the few times that i do say fucked up things, i feel bad immediately.
i don’t care, though. i have enough negativity in my life as is. i have parents who are never satisfied with what i am doing — a magazine that is not looking like it is going to be successful anytime soon and the subsequent advertising rejections — an inability to get a job and the subsequent rejections — stress from taking on more than my body will allow… i don’t need friends who can say those things to their “friends.”
distance is the key, so depart.
i’m so much better than this shit.