i am on a fence.

i’m listening to… radiohead.

went up to seattle this past weekend and had a really good time. it felt so good to be up there, though i can’t remember the last time i was up there. this entire year has felt like an eternity, and while i think i definitely have been back there sometime within the past six months, it feels like a foreign entity now… and i suppose it rather makes me sad.

when i first went up, i checked my long overdue po box and it was majorly filled. beginning to feel bad about even having one and doing so minimally with it, but whatever…

i’m in a weird mental state today, as it goes. having some relationship weirdness that is partially me, partially him, partially difficult surrounding circumstances. no fun………………..

i rideshared up to seattle on thursday with some random lady offa craigslist. she was really into astrology, which i found surprising because it seemed that she was [possibly] easily weirded out / bummed out on people. she had said that she picked me because i seemed the least creepy and said that some people who wrote back seemed creepy just because they would give one line emails or something. maybe i just have a high creepster tolerance. i dunno. found it was interesting that she worked in non-profit mental health-related stuff and was weirded out, though, cause i seem to feel like that kinda employment is kinda built for a “anything goes” mentality, but perhaps not. oh yeah, she was a sagittarius, too, and was basically using me as relationship counselor… which is totally fine… she is just basically in the midst of a break-up with her boyfriend of eight months or something, and, well, yeahhhhhhh. we kept starting to talk about other subjects and then she would bring it back to relationship stuff, so i just kinda figured that she really -neeeeeeeeeeeeded- to talk about the crap. so it goeth.

met up that night with rachel and ryan for dinner at purple dot, and it’s just funny because they hang out a lot now. went to ryan’s afterwards and did i can’t remember what whatsoever cause it wasn’t particularly interesting… neighbor boys came over to shoot the shit and then eventually the nurses boys showed up after driving two straight days from minnesota or something. was nice to hang, and james, john, and i slept in the living room. sleepovers are the best thing… .. . oh but yeah they got their shit confirmed on some stupid t.v. show and were bummed because aaron’s family had told him that it wasn’t in the show. we watched the show the next day, and it turned out it actually was… it was just during some party scene and so quiet that it was barely even audible, and we knew what the song sounded like, too! ridiculous. and they made tonsa money offa it. ridiculous how much budget those people have. and the tv show was super dumb, about vampires and ghosts and dead ghosts kissing girls’ boyfriends. seriously. puuuuuuuke.

went to lunch with lenny in the afternoon and it was pretty great catching up. he has just recently come back from singapore and had $100-a-day budgets to spend on food. so jeally. went to an ethiopian restaurant called zobel and i actually thought i had already used my restaurant.com voucher but evidently not. it’s funny, i had purchased tons of their vouchers previously… one of the participating restaurants that had decided to no longer participate and i got a voucher in exchange. to redeem the voucher you needed to click on some link that said, “redeem voucher,” and i did that, but opened it in a new window. i exchange it without a problem. then i realized i didn’t close the o.g. voucher and clicked on it and opened it in a new window again… and it worked…! i could have done that probably an infinite amount (but i didn’t). funny, though. i still have tons of them. i’ll use them all sometime… maybe… still got like 14 more… went crazy one day…

the nurses show at the sunset was really fucking amazing. second to last show of their tour and they totally killed it so hard. best i’ve ever seen them. and seattlites were dancing and singing like mad!!!!!!! the show was really good. a lot of fun. and these two dudes on either side of me were giving each other really intense stares and i happened to be in the middle and was amused by them, and eventually, late on in the night, when the show was over, they were playing oldies music and the dudes made me do like ballroom dancing crap with them and were spinning me around and stuff and i have no idea how to do any of that stuff, so that was fun/weird… and they were like fighting and trading me off, jokingly, and it was pretty amusing for sure… what a fun time… i was in the most social mood ever that night and freaking was talking to tons of strangers and asking questions in the way i do when i’m feeling social. it’s weird how when i’m extroverted i am SUPER extroverted and don’t give a shit, and when i’m introverted i’m SUPER introverted and can’t talk to anyone (which was how i was last night at matt’s party at the church in portland… so did not want to be there and so did not want to talk to ANYONE… blargh… though there were compounding factors, in this situation…).

oh right, and i talked to the wife of the dude who mixed the nurses record and just randomly decided to ask her is she knew of anyone who did past life regressions (because she had slipped in a small comment about how there were faeries everywhere around us)… and she told me that she didn’t, but that she really wanted to do one, because she has had really vivid memories of past lives ever since she was younger… she said that in one of her lives she remembers it was 1290 or something, and that she was inside a stone house and she could look outside the front and the back, and some guy came and brought her furs in exchange for sex. in another one of her lives, she was like an 18-year-old in world war ii or something, and she said, “i wasn’t a hero or anything” — he had just gone to the front lines and gotten shot immediately and was dying. she said that the last thought in his mind was that he had a betrothed waiting for him at home, and that he felt horrible because she thought he was coming home but he would never be. fascinating.

troy and his band had gotten one a while ago from one of their friends, and i guess what the lady had told them was that the four of his band members had been together through many lives and always traveled together, but that he was not really a human? and that he was an akasic record keeper? but that he decided to be human because he found it more interesting, or something. fascinating. here is a summary of what an akashic record is, from wikipedia…

The akashic records (akasha is a Sanskrit word meaning “sky”, “space” or “aether”) is a term used in theosophy (and Anthroposophy) to describe a compendium of mystical knowledge encoded in a non-physical plane of existence. These records are described as containing all knowledge of human experience and the history of the cosmos. They are metaphorically described as a library; other analogies commonly found in discourse on the subject include a “universal supercomputer” and the “Mind of God”. People who describe the records assert that they are constantly updated automatically and that they can be accessed through astral projection[1] or when someone is placed under deep hypnosis. The concept was popularized in the theosophical movements of the 19th century and is derived from Hindu philosophy of Samkhya. It is promulgated in the Samkhya philosophy that the Akashic records are automatically recorded in the elements of akasha one of the five types of elements visualized as existing in the elemental theory of Ancient India, called Mahabhuta. In Buddhism it is taught one reason that people knew Gautama Buddha had attained enlightenment as a Buddha was because he was able to remember all of the details of all of his past lives by accessing them on the akashic records. The term akashic records is frequently used in New Age discourse.

i suspect that i definitely had some middle eastern associations personally. or egyptian or something. i wonder if/when i finally get one, they will tell me that. i just posted this question on facebook: “‎… suppose you were to hypothetically remember one (or more, if you please) of your past lives. What would you think you were?” — i wonder seriously if anyone will respond, haha.

anyway, after the nurses show… the lead singer of stupid really horrible band they were touring with (d_m_n_nt l___) came over to our place with some groupie and there was some canoodling in the freaking nasty ass bathroom — and ryan seriously has the most nasty bathroom. ughhhhhhh so gross. and it was like 4:30am and they were still there and we were all like wtfffffffff go awayyyyyyyyyy. and that groupie friend had another friend with her who was biting the bullet so her friend could be nasty and was definitely totally bummed, for good reason, of course…

anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. had a really long walk and talk with aaron and that was fun. we talked a lot about the subconscious being outside of time… he basically had a dream that turned lucid… and generally, when you’re lucid in dreams, everyone else is still kinda a dream person. in this particular dream, he passed a dream character and started a conversation with that dream character. he asked the dream character if they were bothered by his manipulating the dream environment, and i guess the dream character said something like, “honestly, yeah.” and aaron asked him what he was and how many of him there were and the dude said five billion or something. interesting. aaron’s conclusion is that dream life to him is almost just as important as waking life… cause the amount that you can bring conscious life into dream life (lucid dreaming) and dream life into waking life (just remembering it, in general) is almost about the same, and not one is more real than the other, really… it’s fascinating…………………….

anyway, i don’t know what it all means, but i feel great about my good friends and how everyone i am associating with is rather mystical these days. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know, but i think that it’s a generally good thing.

take this aldous huxley intro quote i just lifted from the perennial philosophy which i just picked up again:

“What we know depends also on what, as moral beings, we choose to make ourselves. ‘Practice,’ in the words of William James, ‘may change our theoretical horizon, and this in a twofold way: it may lead into new worlds and secure new powers. Knowledge we could never attain, remaining what we are, may be attainable in consequences of higher powers and a higher life, which we may morally achieve.’ To put the matter more succinctly, ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.’ And the same idea has been expressed by the Sufi poet, Jalal-uddin Rumi, in terms of a scientific metaphor: ‘The astrolabe of the mysteries of God is love.’…

The self-validating certainty of direct awareness cannot in the very nature of things be achieved except by those equipped with the moral ‘astrolabe of God’s mysteries.’ If one is not oneself a sage or saint, the best thing one can do, in the field of metaphysics, is to study the works of those who were, and who, because they had modified their merely human mode of being were capable of a more than merely human kind and amount of knowledge.”

— Aldous Huxley, The Perennial Philosophy

is it strange or egotistical to believe that spirituality only shows itself if one is a “good” person? perhaps… but from the people i know who seem to be privy to that knowledge, it certainly seems to be a true thing…? or maybe it’s just because those are qualities that come with a general openness. unclear. unclear.

oh also, last note. totally had the best fucking cupcake ever at cupcake royale. i always love cupcake royale but this was next level, even for them. a super light angel food cake-type cupcake with a whipped tiramisu cupcake (called the
“stumptown tiramisu cupcake” — this one is soaked in coffee, too…). i mean, seriously, like, the best cupcake i’ve ever had in my life. it’s so ridiculous. i mean, it’s so good i’m going to post pictures of it. i don’t do that shit, man. i don’t do that shit. SO GOOD. I AM GOING TO EAT IT FOREVER (the seasonal pumpkin cardamom one was OKAYYYYYYYYY).

huxley.

ejected from my brain this morning in the twenty or so minutes after i woke up. i woke up before any alarm went off today, these words streaming in my mind. it was as though i could not NOT put them down, and for the next half hour of alarm clock-snoozing and cuddling, i was pretty much trying to NOT think about that but failed greatly, instead drafting out the outline of it mid-sleep, subconscious functions a-tickin’. last night gina gave a lecture at praxis talking about how friedrich neitzsche and michael jackson are similar (hehehehehe), and she had previously suggested that i give a praxis lecture about aldous huxley — my main squeeze and ram jam as of late. perhaps not a bad idea, perhaps. in any case, this is the beginning of -something- whether it be the talk i potentially wanna give at research club, the change to redefine’s new mission statement after the website goes up, or perhaps a praxis lecture! it remains to be seen but this is a draft and i’m not even gonna re-read it again right now because i’m on my way up to seattle. so that’s that. also, over the course of the next couple weeks, i have to write up some art installation proposals and pitch them to gabe because i have sooooooooo many art show / installation ideas — they’re pretty much never-ending — and i just need an excuse to do them all. i actually usually write them down in a flash (thanks subconscious), just like the essay below, and pretty much never think about them again until i have reason to. man, i totally live in my subconscious… no wonder i can’t remember jack shit in waking life…

anyway, here goes. hopefully this crap makes sense.

oh yeah, and i am also reading cosmic trigger that troy gave me finally. robert anton wilson’s book. it definitely makes me want to finish mine (which is almost done — just going through my second round of personal proofing). but yeah. it’s funny how books show up in your life when you want them to, if you’re looking for the signs. last night i was talking to paul, and he’d mentioned that he had just finished some book about a priest whose daughter died and as a result started becoming super interested in the occult… and he went to the library later on and just randomly saw a book which really caught his eye — about bringing dream life into waking life — and that the dream book turned out to be written by the wife of the priest dude. crazy, right? crazy. anyway, since i just realized that this post went into the “subconscious” category i created recently, i also just created a “synchronicities” category! wOo! i am wholly frOo-frOo!

and oh yeah, my interview with gardens & villa totally rules…

>>>

When you work in the web industry, you sometimes take for granted the web’s ability to bridge gaps. I don’t think anyone can argue that the benefits of the internet for everyone in the world are many, but it is my opinion that, more than anything, the main benefits lies in these personal links. These links provide, on a basic level, comfort for anyone with leanings toward the esoteric, as they begin to feel that they are not alone in their rare preferences. In fact, in some cases, the presence of the internet may even make one begin to lose sight of the fact that their rare niche interests are, in fact, extremely niche, simply because one can find such a solid community in it. On a more profound level, though, the internet inspires collaboration between like-minded and not-like-minded individuals. The collaborative potential in this is immense, and although it seems maybe obvious when one says it aloud, it is, in fact, in practice, not particularly practiced at all.
These ideas come to mind through a series of events, and upon that series of events have arisen points I would like to focus on. The first begins with my music and art publication, called REDEFINE. I began it seven years ago in Seattle. It was a printed quarterly rag initially, with the goal of promoting talented independent bands that other publications weren’t covering. At the time, that was an important thing because major labels were still of humongous influence and importance. From the very beginning, an extremely juvenile worldview that because what I was doing was so unique – and it quite was at the time – that I did not need to collaborate that much with my peers; they were my competition, not my friends.

Less than five years after I started the publication, it became obvious that the whole industry had changed immensely. While major labels still wield power over certain genres of music, their slice of the pie has gotten much smaller; the amount of music disseminated by independent labels is much, much more prevalent, and particularly prevalent in the styles of music I am interested in. The esoteric is no longer as esoteric as it once was. As a result, many a music magazine and music blog cropped up, and what had previously been REDEFINE’s tagline – “Fighting The Independent Fight” – was no longer as convincing of a tagline, except to those who were still hideously stuck in the past and feeling pity for themselves – because just about everyone was now fighting the independent fight.

This led me to re-assess my publication’s entire mission, as difficult as self-criticism is – particularly for a project that lies near and dear to your heart, which you have been working on for nearly a decade. But it is when I decided to open up my eyes to the collaborative potential offered by the internet that, firstly, I learned to become more satisfied with my product, and secondly, learned to further that project. While some amount of healthy competition is nice, it is also not the only thing that is valuable; cross-promotion between like-minded individuals and non-like-minded individuals is vital to an organization’s growth in this day and age. Particularly because there are so many individuals pursuing interesting ideas and it has become difficult to push your innovative idea into the forefront, if you are a content creator.

Now onto my second point. A couple months ago, I was reading “Ends And Means” by Aldous Huxley. His book “The Doors Of Perception” had originally changed my life and opened up my eyes to a whole subculture of individuals, but it was really when I read “Ends And Means” that Huxley became solidified as one of my heroes, and perhaps my number one hero. “Ends And Means” Is a sociopolitical book in which Huxley details his solution for world peace. Huxley, part-spiritual and part-logical, describes himself as a “rational idealist” – which, as far as I can tell, is a term he coined – and means an individual who is excessively positive and believes in hope for mankind as a whole, yet understands that it must be achieved through small steps and extremely rational means. It’s that simple. “Ends And Means” is a book that changed my life, yet I realized one day when another individual on Tumblr messaged me exclusively because I was reading that particular book, that it is a book that is, firstly, out-of-print, and secondly, hardly read by anyone at all. It’s shocking to me, really, considering the solutions that are laid out in that book. I could write an entire curriculum on that book alone – and, in fact, the only other person on Tumblr reading the book, a third individual, has had the similar idea himself – but there is one central idea I have taken away from “Ends And Means” that has since changed my worldview which I would like to share. That idea is this: “Our discussion of the nature of explanation brings us to the conclusion that causation in human affairs is multiple — in other words, that any given event has many causes. Hence it follows that there can be no single sovereign cure for the diseases of the body politic. The remedy for social disorder must be sought simultaneously in many different fields.”

As obvious as all enlightening points seem when stated aloud, they are not always put into practice. I believe this point is not put into practice enough, and furthermore, is not acknowledged enough. The Occupy Wall St. movement has certainly made that obvious. Everyone is complaining that there is no one central goal, that there is no one central solution – and that is because there isn’t. Causation in human affairs is multiple. There are a myriad of reasons people are currently dissatisfied, and, as a result, a myriad of solutions. The remedy for social order indeed must be sought simultaneously in many different fields. But if that is the case, why is everyone looking for answers in the same place? Why is everyone looking for other people to save them when they could each be pitching in to save us all from ourselves? What little things can we do in our lives to save us from the problems we see in society?

This is where cross-disciplinary collaboration becomes an important thing. Another quote I stumbled upon earlier this year which also changed my life was one from Benoit Mandlebrot, the discoverer of the fractal. He said, “The rare scholars who are nomads-by-choice are essential to the intellectual welfare of the settled disciplines.” And maybe it is a bit vain that, indeed, he was talking about himself – as he was a mathematician who discovered something that affected the fields of biology, physics, and ecology – but I think there is great weight in what he has said. This importance has been heavily obvious in the realm of translation, or perhaps in comparative religion, but there is not enough of this work being done in other fields. I have taken it upon myself to disseminate to others what I think is extremely important knowledge in the 21st century, and I would like to list a number of individuals who are “nomads-by-choice” who have profoundly altered fields of study they are involved with.

Some include:
[Physics dude who linked wave and particle]

In my own personal life, I have eternally been trying to balance the two main parts of me – the Sociologist and the Music Editor. It is with this new attitude of cross-disciplinary collaboration that it really dawned on me that having a music magazine, especially in this day and age, does not at all discount the possibility of stroking the back of me, the Sociologist. And while since 2005 I had always leaned towards doing articles with a social bent – such as features on a tour called the Take Action Tour which gives all proceeds to suicide prevention hotlines – it was a feature that had since fallen by the wayside and been replaced with more traditional music coverage. Now, thanks to Huxley and Mandlebrot, I’ve come to realize that not only can I work with other music blogs to help prop one another up, so to speak – but I can make positive social change through the outlet of a music publication. And it is perhaps here that the most change can be sought, because there is such a low barrier to entry, and many people approach music appreciation in such a visceral way. For most, it is only later that the intellectual components come into play.

dude random awesome foods.

some stuff i’ve invented this week that rullllllllllles / has potential…

>>>

salsa salad = kimchi + pear + provolone (actually unnecessary) + spinach + cucumber + valentina + salt + pepper = sOoOooOoo rules (after you let it sit for a few hours to mix flavors)

fried rice = kimchi + rice + hummus = sOooOoOooOOo rules

smoothie = papaya + chamomile tea + tofu = alright (could use a banana and some ice or at least refrigerated chamomile, as i was hungry and drank it lukewarm)

BLARGH

blargh there is too much typing to do and not enough time! evidently this is the third post on this wordpress with the name of “blargh”. i have been working on redefine’s new layout allllllllllllllll day pretty much, which is pretty awesome and all, if you like to think in terms of css all day. it’s fun for now because it’s been a really long time since i’ve actually developed a website that requires some active brain usage. typing right now while watching some jake gyllenhal movie (that is totally not how you spell hi name and i only minorly care to look it up bu in the interests of writing this st iwthout editing — oh god this is getting more and more ugly since i’ve decided to not edit –) but the movie is called “source code” and it is basically “quantum leap” meets “the matrix,” we’ve decided. hey, i saw jake cyllegefkjeifjeifjeifgeyleeenal in a restaurant in new york city, and he was sitting a couple tables away, and oh no, i’ve edited stuff a buncha times now since i started paying attention as opposed to just watching the movie while braisesly typing. whuteva. their face just melted off thanks to a bomb. woooooo, and we said, “what up! bomb face!” this is a stupid silly love story scenario plus antum leap[!!! quantum *

i would like to draw but whatever. would laso like to finish recapping mty stupid fucking road trip arocross the country but faillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. want to finish editing book. want to publish book. want to edit website. want to pwn the noobs. word up. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

in defense of your name, there are 400,000 waiting to know more.

i’m listening to… joni haastrup, from 1977′s awesome wake up your mind album that just got re-released [see video below]. can’t find my favorite song on the disc online, unfortunately, but that song would be called “champions & superstars.” one of the lines: “there are many soccer teams in town today, but not all that glitters is gold.” / “you can be champions of africa today; you could be champions of the world tomorrow. champions and superstars, everybody is proud of you.” haha. it’s largely a song about soccer, far as i can tell…!

i have more to say about new york and notes about the rest of my road trip to post as well, but i’m now back in portland, and i have to say that the month-long trip (2 weeks to cross the country, 2 weeks to hang in new york) completely wiped me. not enough alone time seriously makes me the weirdest human being; it’s not only something i need, in general, but something i seem to need a loooot of. i recall after last december — pretty much a social activity every day — and just being super not myself for the entirety of january. it’s kinda the case again for the moment. i’m sure i’ll get back to normal; it’s gonna take a sec, though… in the meantime i am going to digest all the music!!! digesting so music!!!!

i am at the wall st. protests.

I am at the Wall St. protests. I am very steadfast and confident in the importance of what I am trying to do; however, because of the lack of people who seem motivated or inspired by defining actual tangible goals and pursuing solutions, it’s discouraging. It is so very discouraging. Whatever is the point? Earlier today I wrote up what I guess you could call a manifesto — of what I believe and the change I want to make, the role I want to play. Well, crud. I don’t know what shape that will take on necessarily, though I am trying to pass it on. There is one girl, Earth, who seemed very muh in favor and aligned with my interests — but other than that, everyone seems to think it is a good idea but not to the point where they are willing to take it up for themselves. I am less than stoked by this. How is it in a park of thousands of people, and different ones everyday, the majority of people are only inspired enough to make meaningless signs and spout rhetoric? Who are the people who actually want to make change? are they really so lacking in ability that no one realizes that organizations need to become involved with one another, that people’s skills and talents need to be directed to places outside of the confines of this park? It is entirely annoying, and as “frustrating” as capitalism can be, making signs about how rich people suck is — first of all, short-sighted and ignorant; second of all, just absolutely useless. What is a sign like the one that just passed by — “END THE FED” — going to do? Why is absolutely nobody interested in actually working to actively do anything? I hope Giovanni and Michael and co. take it over. I really hope that they do… and that because they are a group of individuals, that they will be able to find the flaws where I could not, and actually direct this flow of energy into a place that gets things done, that creates answers and solutions for goals that everyone can agree upon rather than those that people can only individually spout off about. FUCK.