not gonna say much here other than…

i seriously bought a pair of headphones yesterday, had dinner with emily and david, walked to their house, walked back to coffee shop. headphones lost. i’m pretty sure i accidentally and somewhat consciously threw them out. is that actually possible? $15 down the drain. i think i need to start taking gingko biloba. that’s not even funny, brain! that’s just plain senile!!!!!!

dreaaaaaaaaaaams. the dreams are weird!
wanna go to bed but it’s only 10:00pm and that seems premature and silly?
but it sounds soooooo good?
need to take a shower bad so dirty?
morning do take?
morning walk hour half to work?
morning other day two hour walk to work because no internet half. ha ha ha.
longest route accident took.
four mile walk turn 5 mile walk did.
tomorrow different do.
today med kitchen did not eat.
wanted.
too much food at work though.
med kitchen next time.
med kitchen forever.
med kitchen best.
oil rice face stuff.
sometime.

perhaps.

currently on my way up to seattle. the internet is crawling at a snail’s pace. i am listening to junior boys, though tired of music. i had thought for certain that i would be ready for the heat, and at the light of the morning today i sat in the window of sound grounds ready to soak in the sun’s rays. but no sooner had i sat down that i began to think about the computer overheating, and soon thereafter, my phone began to grow warm and its screen began to fade, as they become do sometimes when the heat melts them. counter-intuitive. i wish i had brought a movie, but i’ll sit nauseously typing instead. it smells of corn nuts. i am slightly jealous. dinner for me consisted of a pre-emptive strike of gluten-free vegetable noodle soup and some crackers and a fruit salad. i might grow hungry later but whatever, or i might not; i never know what to eat to actually stay full and healthy. it’s a strange thing, this eating thing. it’s always an enigma. i think i ate too much fruit, though; the sugars and the nausea work together to be completely non-friendly. this is usually the case.

there’s a magazine within my vision called artslandia. the cover looks fairly neat.

i have been reading the book henry and june. another henry miller book, indeed. it’s actually interesting because it is just anais nin’s journals, but in it she copies out a lot of the letters she writes to henry miller, and a lot of the things he writes to hers. last week, i had gotten through half of another book which was a compilation of their letters to one another. it is interesting to read these two books side by side, because in the compilation of letters, there are periods where there is a lull in communication, and you wonder what anais nin is doing in the meantime, and why, a lot of the time, she is fucking around (she was married, too, and also seeing her cousin). it’s hard to tell what henry’s view of that was, but endlessly interesting to me that he was the one that was more madly in love, that he was the one waiting for her to come around and get married to him.

i am to work tomorrow, but i have not even been told where i am to go, or at what time… i hope i have not taken this trip for merely nothing. the idea of coming up here periodically is simultaneously alluring and obnoxious; but i suppose i need the money. and truly, the only thing that holds me back from really wanting to dive into doing it is the parting. so temporary it is, yet so long it feels each time!

i gave a speech at research club yesterday. i felt good after doing that, and i think i projected a confidence that was better than what i had initially felt. i left out a couple of concepts, but nothing significant, and didn’t once have to look at my notes, and only read through it once (granted there were pdf cues to help). no one asked me questions afterwards, though, which is a shame! i want someone to tell me how to make money! haha! (it was about redefine.)

this week in seattle should be fun. catching up with people and things, and robby may be coming up. i am trying to get him a job at my company to do iphone and ipad design, and i hope that works out… even though i don’t know where i am going tomorrow, save for a vague destination of “capitol hill”….

but yeah, before the speech yesterday, i was a wreck for a couple days, primarily because of the non-listening disingenuity of some people. these things become obvious through cues, through contradictions of speech and behavior, and they are disappointing, primarily when the people are your good friends. and i was left hanging in the wings, simultaneously hating the situation of isolation and simultaneously hating myself for feeling the way i felt. my critical nature is one that perhaps makes me great and effective and discerning and simultaneously obnoxious to myself at times. i am very good at letting things go in some situations… but find it hard to let dishonesty go, and find it hard to let go of my own criticisms of flaws in others which are also flaws in myself. so it goes, though… many of us hate the aspects of ourselves we can see so clearly as negative in other people but are powerless to stop in ourselves. and i ramble.

but i feel alright, now… it comes and it goes. it’s up and it’s down if you feel a lot!

i’m already halfway through henry and june! such a brisk read, and exciting that i can finish it this week in seattle — if not before then — and move on, quickly, rather than lag in half-read purgatory of purgatories as i have been doing with literature as of late. i will also be excited next week to go home for a day, though unfortunately troy will probably not be able to come with me, for my parents denied their band the permission to stay at our gigantic, barely inhabited home. but this is the way of selfishness, and as i told troy recently, i wonder time and time again how i spawned from these people, these people who will argue with a child who wants to sit with her mom on a plane — and so it is. you either become them or you become vastly different from them. the latter, i choose. forever, the latter. ever i should be a parent, i will be one that is not governed by the false face of fear, which shades all things good and mutates them into monsters. it is the worst thing. the worst thing.

lenny’s dad asked him to go to cambodia with him. dude is old — older than my dad. i don’t know if my goading was vital in convincing lenny to go, but he’s going! and i am quite excited! it should be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and cambodia is just the biggest shit (the good kind). i wish that i could go back there again, but so many places, so many places to go!

we went to dj prashant’s bollywood dance night the other night at holocene (a temporary one-off venue). it was amazing, and there was a time for bollywood dance lessons which ruled. it just so happened that i have been watching just about nothing but bollywood movies lately, and i am absolutely in love with this movie that was posted here. tees maar khan (तीस मार ख़ान)) just has the most awesome theme songs — one of which, “my name is sheila,” was played at bollywood dance night — and it was soooo hilarious it makes me wanna watch the director farah khan’s entire discography… it got a 2.7 on imdb though! wht a buncha shit! fools!! i think perhaps americans just don’t understand this genius in humor. or maybe just the whole world doesn’t, save for me!!!!!!!!!!!! but really, i’m not familiar with this subgenre of bollywood movies so maybe i fail to win at life. in any case, i like it. though admittedly, i did fall asleep at the end.

this internet is so slow… i must quit. stupid train internet! i bought you because i thought your internet was tolerable! it won’t even allow me to access facebook!

like slogging through mud.

february is the slowest, most painfully slow, slowest, slowest. i can’t concentrate on anything with so much unfinished business. going crazy.

IN CONTRAST TO LAST YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR THIS YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR IS THE SLOWEST EVER.

LAST YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR = INEXPLICABLY AWESOME AND EFFORTLESS.
THIS YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR = INEXPLICABLY SLOW AND DIFFICULT.

FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
COMPARISON NOTES.

LAST YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR (AND EVERYTHING WAS TRUE), HOROSCOPE FOR FEBRUARY 2011 =

You will love February! It’s a strong and sturdy month that will allow you to make exceptional progress. There will be a remarkable stack-up of planets in Aquarius, including Mars, Neptune, the Sun, and new moon on February 2, sure to get your spirit soaring.

One day later, Mercury will enter Aquarius too, and Mercury, the planet that naturally rules your career, loves to be in that sign, for when there, Mercury is considered “exalted” – the very best place for Mercury to be. Jupiter will be in a position to help Mercury by the end of that week, February 4 and 5, so it’s clear all kind of good news is about to come barreling toward you quickly, dear Sagittarius!

Can you believe it, you will have a total of five heavenly bodies in Aquarius, all air signs, plus Saturn in air sign Libra makes six out of ten in air. Wow, that’s great news! Air signs make your fire element burn more brightly! What’s MORE special is that Jupiter will be in fellow fire sign Aries in perfect angle to your Sun, a huge boost to your confidence and health, and for getting outstanding, rare help from VIPs. In February, you will look, sound, and feel your best, and that says to me that others will respond to you in a very positive way, too. This is your month to make your mark!

You will notice a new feeling in the air as soon as the month begins, at the new moon, February 2. January had focused you on matters related to money, taxes, and earning and other related financial matters. You may have had talks or negotiations lately, and if so, you will be ready to finalize deals in early-to-mid-February.

With so many air planets circulating about, prepare for a deluge of phone calls, emails, and hastily arranged meetings. Your mind will crackle with ideas, and each one will lead you to the next, all very do-able and likely praised by management and clients. February will be an exciting time, for sure! You will be “in your element” and feeling that everything is going your way.

Travel is a strong possibility this month, whether close by early in the month, in February sometime between 2 and 21, or a more distant trip near the full moon, February 19 plus or minus five days.

Sagittarius loves to travel, so this should make you feel excited about all that’s to come. If you do travel early in the month, it may be to see a cousin or sibling, a good time to connect. Your love aspects are beaming brilliantly too, something I will talk more about later in your report, but suffice to say, in early February, Cupid will be behind every tree, bush, and building, waiting to pluck his arrow toward you! Look your best, even when running errands in your neighborhood or visiting close by locations out of town.

If you write, speak, lecture, edit, or do advertising or publicity, this month will shout out your name. You will have plenty to do, that’s for sure, but it looks like you’ll love the work you do. You may have a document, manuscript, or thesis to hand in, or a speech to give. Your name will be “out there” and others will come to you for your opinions.

Planets in Aquarius are all about networking and connecting, so you may be working on your Facebook page or learning Twitter. Or, you may be going to a tradeshow, convention, or conference and mixing with lots of new faces. You may be doing things on a big scale – redoing your company’s website, reporting news on the upcoming fashion shows in New York, Milan, or Paris – or as an individual, simply changing your profile on social media and perhaps uploading some photos. In astrology, you can always do things on a scale that makes sense to you.

Planets are stacking in futuristic Aquarius, and also suggest that digital media will be in the forefront of your mind. You may be ready to “Q and A” (test) a new software program you wrote, start drug trials on a new medicine, launch a new phone app, or see your book come out on Kindle. Alternatively, you may be working on a community, charitable, not-for-profit humanitarian goal, as Aquarius also rules this area of life. Are you a massage therapist, work at a spa, or do astrology? Aquarius ALSO rules these areas. If any of these areas are important to you, you will do doubly well.

FULL DETAILS.

ACTUALLY, THAT POST IS PRIVATE, AS IT HAPPENED TO BE MY MOST ROMANTIC CONVERSATION EVER (AT THE TIME), WITH TROY ONE. AT THIS POINT IT’S NOT THAT PRIVATE TO ME ANYMORE SINCE IT IS NO LONGER A THING, SO HERE’S A PART:

V: Sounds like a plan, stanley .
T: For the last time, call me stan!
T: Going to bed you sultry strumpet. I’ll miss you in the morning and in between.
V: Haha you made me laugh out loud with the stan comment. Adorable. Miss you! Sleep wellishly!
T: Brilliant! Sleep wellishly too, when you decide to sleep!
V: Never! By the way these feelings are totally weird but just rolling with it . Haha
T: Weird feelings are the best feelings, and rolling with them is the only way to go about it. I’d kiss you were you here! Goodnight!

THIS YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR (AND EVERYTHING IS TRUE), HOROSCOPE FOR FEBRUARY 2011 =

and it has become harder to get decisions from higher ups. You may have blamed this loss of momentum on the year-end holidays, but that was not the reason. Mars, now touring your tenth house of career fame, honors, and achievement, went retrograde on January 21 and will remain out of phase until April 13.

Even before Mars shut down for a rest late last month, he began to move ever more slowly during December and January, so you will have to be patient. You may see progress in early March, so don’t let up on efforts. You may have to push yourself more to keep motivated, but you do have a good chance of seeing success. Forward ho! Keep those wagon wheels rolling.

If you need a good day for a career effort, choose February 24-28. On Friday, February 24, you will have Jupiter to help you give a fine presentation or interview for a new position similar to the level of the one you had before. Or, if self-employed, you would be able to generate new business on Friday, February 24. (If you work weekends, then by all means, pitch over February 25, your best day.) For negotiations involving large sums of money, choose February 28 when Pluto will signal the Sun.

Early February might be a good time to take a little vacation. The full moon will light your ninth house of distant travel (Leo, 18 degrees) on February 7, so you may leave earlier in the week and be returning home from an exciting location within five days of the full moon. There is nothing like a long trip to put the bounce back in your step! Alternatively, you may finalize a deal with a foreign company, or you may be taking steps to go back to college for an advanced degree. Other matters may be taken care of now too – you may get a passport or green card, or you may finish jury duty. If you work in the media, you may get your book published or an important segment readied for broadcast. Lots of positive things will be happening within four days of February 7.

If your birthday falls on December 9, plus or minus five days, you will benefit most from this lovely full moon, or if you have planets in Sagittarius, Aries, Leo, Gemini, Libra or Aquarius at or very near 18 degrees.

Let’s look at your outlook for romance this month, which seem to have had more twists and turns than a best selling spy thriller. First, the eclipses have had an enormous influence on your love life (or, a business partnership). The first test to your partnership came December 21, 2009, the second one on June 15, 2011, and the third on December 10, 2011. If your birthday falls December 10-23, then you felt one of these eclipses; if your birthday falls in November, you may have noticed changes near November 25, but the eclipse that fell on that day was a positive one that brought opportunity, while the others were more emotional dates, because they were full moons. Depending on what happened as a result of all those eclipses, you may be happy or not-so-happy about love, but in any case, things will improve for your love life in time.

As said earlier, Mars is now retrograde, and Mars is the natural ruler of your fifth house of new love. (The fifth house also rules pregnancy and creativity, so in all these areas, there appear to be delays.) With Mars now looking back, not forward, until April 13, you may see your new relationship stall a little, or you may deliberately slow it down if you feel you’ve pushed it forward too fast. If you want to have a baby, the new moon at the end of the month might trump the retrograde Mars because it is so very fertile – a Pisces, Taurus, and Cancer new moon are often the very best for conception.

Sometimes a retrograde planet will bring a change of mind, so with Mars retrograde in your new love sector, you may decide this person is not for you, or conversely IS for you, despite previous doubts. Still, you need to go slowly. I would not want you to move quickly with the ruler of your house of love in retrograde. Mars rules the expression of physical affection, and so this month and next, you might find that your chemistry together is lacking or completely off. It is also possible that your new love has to travel for work, so you may not see one another at all, and that’s fine – actually, that would be a good manifestation of Mars retrograde.

The happy part about February is that Venus will be in Aries, a fire sign that blends divinely with your Sagittarius Sun, from February 8 to March 5. Venus is not an assertive planet, as Venus teaches the wisdom of sitting back and letting others come to you. This is how Venus got the reputation of being the so-called “lazy planet” – she teaches never to get desperate, to give admirers room to decide they cannot bear to be without you and come to you. Venus will help you use your considerable powers of attraction to bring the right person to you. From February 8 onward, it would be a great time to upgrade your appearance by changing your hair, buying new clothes, and for women, choosing new makeup colors.

If you have no one to love, you have the perfect day for a surprise, chance meeting on February 9, when Venus and Uranus will meet in your fifth house of true love in the adventuresome sign of Aries. This day will be charged with fantastic electric energy! Look your best!

Then, on Valentine’s Day, February 14, lucky you, the moon will be in Sagittarius, favoring you above all others! I like this day because during that entire week, Mercury will be so chatty with other planets, in the most positive way. Mercury rules your seventh house of close, serious relationships, which, of course, includes your spouse, or if dating, the possibility for engagement and marriage.

Here is what is happening that week, and keep in mind there is always an aura around the dates I am giving you, so don’t get stuck on one day. You can add a plus or minus of at least one day. (If you live in Asia, Australia, or other time zone that is 12 hours earlier than the US, then add one day. For example, in Australia, my mention of February 13 becomes February 14.)

February 13: Mercury will combine forces with Neptune, exuding a beautiful aura, just perfect for a week that holds the day for lovers, February 14. (This would not be a day to sign a contract but for love and romance, it’s divine.) On the same day, Saturn will work with Mercury too, so promises in love will be promises kept.

February 16: One of the most wonderful days of the month, when Mercury joins Jupiter, your ruler, in the most optimistic, expansive, happy day to make an agreement or a promise. Give this day three gold stars. Remember, you will feel the growing energy of this day on February 14. You may get an outstandingly generous gift on February 14, 15, or 16. Could it be a diamond?

Now, let’s talk about your home and family situation, which is about to become a huge hub of interest in weeks, months – even possibly years to come!

This month, on February 3, for the first time in your life, Neptune will move into your fourth house of home and is set to stay for fourteen years. Neptune has not been in Pisces since 1847 to 1862. Neptune rules creativity, so you may now become very interested in interior design, art history and furniture design, architecture, home textiles, landscaping, or other elements of home design. It may start with a redo of your apartment or house, and your interest may spread to a desire for an entire career in this area. Or you may be ready for a career switch and have always wanted to delve into this area. If so, Neptune will help give you the inspiration you need to be a success.

For now, you will need to make absolutely sure you have flood and other water damage or gas insurance for your home, whether you own or rent. This is a long trend, fourteen years, and when Neptune shows up, he will want to bring the sea with him into your house. Keep him out. Make sure your windows have secure, tight gaskets around the edge of each window so that the rain can’t ruin your floors. With your aspects, never leave a window open when you go out, and especially when traveling. Change your fire detectors so they’re up to date, with fresh batteries and the newest model, and make sure it has a CO2 detector feature too.

Ask your plumber to check all the pipes in your house to be sure they are in good shape. Once, when I was having my bathroom painted (I love to have my rooms painted frequently), my painter told me one pipe was in bad condition. I immediately invited my superintendent up who said – “You have hours, not days. Call a plumber NOW!” The plumber came later that day, and as he looked at it, it fell apart in his hands by barely touching the pipe. Fortunately, the water was turned off when this happened.

It may not be wise to buy beachfront property in the coming fourteen years. In the future, whenever Neptune will be visited by an angry planet, you could have water-related problems. At the very least, ask neighbors when the last time there was a bad hurricane or other natural disaster that could bring heavy water damage to your neighborhood. Check the safety of the well water, to be sure there are no problems with toxicity. By taking these simple steps, you can keep yourself safe.

Still staying with the topic of home, now let’s look at the month’s beautiful new moon, which just brims with real estate opportunity for you! If you were thinking about moving, you will have one of the best new moons of the year to help you. If you need support from your family, it just might be there if you ask for your favor after the new moon appears.

This home and family-related new moon will appear on February 21 in Pisces, 3 degrees. This new moon is very sweet. It will be in ideal angle to Jupiter, your ruler (which is very significant, for it means this new moon can help you in a bigger way than other signs, because Jupiter is your guardian planet). If you hope to list your house for sale, I would do it beginning February 21. Don’t wait to do so next month, as Mercury will retrograde from March 12 to April 4, not a time to make any important actions. If you act now, keep in mind that Jupiter usually brings money with him wherever he goes – you could make a tidy profit.

Saturn will be very comforting on this new moon February 21 too, which suggests that if you sign a lease or close on a house anytime within a week after this new moon arrives, you are likely to love your decision for many years into the future.

There is one day I just love for you, for home, real estate, or family-related actions, and it is February 25, when the Sun and Jupiter will be in perfect sync. This is a four-star day for signing a lease, closing on a house, assigning contractors, or even for having a party. If you have to make a decision for a parent who needs your assistance, do it on February 25. This works both ways – a parent may be helping YOU. Jupiter is currently visiting your house of work-projects, so if you want to set up a home office this month, I think that’s a great idea. Aim to have it open for business by Saturday, February 25.

There is one more excellent day, when Pluto in Capricorn in your money and wealth house signals the Sun in your house of real estate on Tuesday, February 28. Again, it looks like you’ll have negotiated a good deal, and it would be a perfect day to take action on any sort of home or real estate decision, including the rental of a summer cottage.

Recently your career has picked up speed, and you’ve moved ahead of the rest as one to watch. You will be getting a number of impressive offers, and you may find it to be a bit bewildering to be fussed over. Yet despite your professional popularity, you have yet to find the perfect situation so you may feel in a kind of limbo, not sure which way to go and waiting for the right position to come up.

This will keep up for a while because this condition is related to Mars being retrograde since January 23. The full moon that will occur next month on March 8 may bring talks to a final stage. If not, you will have an even better chance to see things reach a pinnacle point in May or June. Be patient. Once Mars turns direct on April 13 you will see a much brighter professional picture emerge. There is a good chance you will hear upbeat news as soon as next month, however, on or near March 8, the full moon in your professional sector. If you do have an interview, you will need spectacular aspects to help you push things forward – you’ll have that on February 15 and 16 when Mars and Jupiter collaborate. It’s a dazzling two days!

In the meantime, you will be working on projects that you enjoy, and those assignments will have the power to lead you to bigger and better things. Watch what occurs on February 24-February 25 when Jupiter will contact the Sun – the new assignment that comes up could be lucrative and prestigious. Give it all you’ve got!

If you need to ask for a raise, you may want to hold off. Saturn will go retrograde February 7 (and you are already too close to this date as you start the month) and will turn direct June 25. Wait until June or July to ask for best results.

Nothing lifts your spirits quicker than getting a chance to travel, and the full moon, February 7 plus or minus four days, could bring an exciting trip. Because full moons bring things to an end, you may be finishing up a trip at this time. You may travel to view property to buy or rent, visit family, or go for a quick vacation. Although it’s less likely you’d travel for business, either way would be productive and you’d be able to get agreement on the order.

The new moon February 21 will inspire you to make beautiful design changes to your home or outside, to your garden or other landscaping. Neptune, the planet of imagination, will enter Pisces and your home sector for the first time in your lifetime on February 3, to stay for a staggering fourteen years. This is a big trend, and one that may bring your talents for home decorating to new heights, possibly talents you never knew you had. A lucky break could occur in regard to real estate at anytime in the week that follows the new moon, February 21. Within that two-week period that follows the new moon, your best days will occur on February 24-25, or when Pluto speaks to the Sun, February 28.

One word of warning: Neptune is associated with water, and because this planet is setting up shop in your home sector until 2026, it would be advisable to have flood insurance as part of your renter’s / home owner’s insurance package. Guard against any type of water problems, in the full spectrum, including mold, tainted drinking water, leaking roof, or flooding in the basement, as a few of many examples. It’s a protection you may never need, but will be so happy to have if you ever do.

Romance should sparkle brightly! You are one of the most favored of all signs for love! Venus will enter Aries, showering your romance sector with radiance, from February 8 to March 5. Wow, that’s almost all month! One most special day to circle in gold will be February 9, when Venus will link to Uranus, and a chance meeting could happen right around the corner.

Your most romantic dates: February 9 (gold-star), 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 19, 23, 24, and 25.

You may travel far and wide February 7, plus or minus four days (or be returning then!)

Home and family goals will get a big push at the new moon February 21, plus two weeks.

Neptune will move into Pisces on February 3, 2012 and stay fourteen years. Neptune will encourage your artistic expression at home, in regard to home decorating or architectural design.

Guard against Neptune’s propensity to bring floods or other water-related problems to your home or other property by having the right renter’s or homeowner’s insurance policy now and in the coming years.

Venus in Aries is a wonderful placement for you to encourage new love or enjoy present love, February 8 to March 5.

Watch February 9 as a standout day for romantic experiences! Circle it!

Saturn will go retrograde from February 7 to June 25, not the time to ask for a raise. Wait until late June or July.

A lucrative new project may come to you February 24-26. It could be a big one, thanks to the help you’ll be getting from good fortune Jupiter. Jupiter’s your ruler, so this is worth more to Sagittarius than most other signs!

As for romance, it is good, though there are no extended chat sessions to save and share But it is just as cheesy. But it really is getting me down majorly that “work” is really sucking some major ass and things (decisions from higher-ups, seriously) are SLOW AS FUCK. Planning the SXSW showcase last year was the easiest thing on the planet; this year it is the most frustrating thing ever, and that’s with an already wildly successful show under the belt. Last year was complete bullshit that turned into awesome; this year is awesome that is slow to become. AGHHH! I am losing my mind editing videos all day and not enough of other things! I will be glad when all of this is done tomorrow, when it will be thrown out to a crowd of 300-something-people at Holocene, for all to see. Oh man. I am a little nervous, to be sure, as I don’t actually have much in the way of how do you call it, technical skill, but have a vision, I guess.

And one last note.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.

If ever I have a child, he or she will be named Aldous — or Huxley… it’s almost impossible that it won’t be the case. The man is a genius. When I am finished with my first book, the next will take the ideas of Huxley and turn them into a curriculum of sorts. What is the point? What is the point, indeed. I don’t know or fucking care, but I know that I want and want and want to do it. I can’t even begin to explain accurately the way I feel about Aldous Huxley, but let’s just say that reading Huxley’s work, I feel I am reading thoughts from my own mind. Perhaps I am not so great as him, but he is balance; and I read now that his entire mantra, specifically towards the end of his life, was balance — balance between the inner and the outer worlds. And to most people that makes no sense, but it makes so much sense. And his book, Island, supposedly a counterpart to Brave New World, is about utopia rather than dystopia, and it is a tract, rooted in data, rooted in experience, for how to reach utopian society. I must read this book, and I must read it soon. What am I doing? Who knows. What do I want to do? WRITE BOOKS. MAKE VIDEOS.

For the first time since I’ve moved to Portland, I am leaving to go on vacation for a month, and I don’t want to sublet my room. Certainly I could use the money. Certainly. But I am wary of my space being defiled, for once. What changed? I don’t know, but it seems for once that I want to have my space be my space. Hrm. Most interesting. Had another bizarre dream last night as well. I don’t know what is going on with my subconscious.

what up with it.

man, i haven’t written for a few days though a lot has happened. this is what happens when i don’t have internet freezing is also what happens when the godamn coffee shop you’re at doesn’t close their front door ARGHHHH DEATHHHH.

anyway, last night we watched the turin horse, which, after reading george’s review, i had really wanted to watch and even dragged along two other poor sops (gina and troy). it was, in fact, the most boring film on the planet — so boring and slow, really, that it became of the utmost hilarity, in that it seems impossible that anyone would direct such film intentionally, and yet, there it is, proof of intentionality, and proof that life is OMG SO ABSURD. it was beyond bad. and then was the polica show, which was also so, so, so incredibly mediocre that the entire evening — save for troy and i’s eating at swagat — was basically just a waste, which i could have spent instead watching bollywood movies and iranian action films that i have, or editing swahili videos for tuesday’s grimes show… but nOoOoOooo.

two days ago there was an excursion into the world of the mush, and it came in some kind of a flash that i should make movies… yes, movies. the kind where i would direct a human around, rather than just editing. it was a strange thought, an arresting thought, an aldous-huxley-looks-at-lawn-chair-in-doors-of-perception thought, of paralyzing brilliance — the floorboards were glowing — of all-encompassing beauty? it’s funny and ridiculous. but i never would have been in that position had it not been for my arms going absolutely numb for, i think, ten minutes or something. a quick online search yielded a result of a woman who had such symptoms and then got a catscan that was clean, got one three years later, and discovered that she had a brain tumor. it reminds me of the time that i had intense eye problems, and i didn’t know whether they were real or psychosomatic, but they seemed real, yet catscans had revealed nothing. and it is true that those problems came to pass after the 222222222222222ci. i remember feeling so, so, so lonely then, so frustrated that i went to get a catscan that day, by myself, and came back to my apartment at 716 n 41st st. and no one cared at how miserable of a time i had had. lenny, alex, and andy were hanging out, and i didn’t want to bring up how horrible and how terrifying of a time i had had in the catscan (recap of the event here). anyway. my eye has never felt normal since then — but it did subside a slight bit, and i just kind of ignored it, supposing it wasn’t a huge deal if the catscan didn’t result in anything. and i just felt generally idiotic for making such a big fuss, BECAUSE nothing came to be seen. but that doesn’t mean there is no problem, and such intense arm numbness scared the fucking shit out of me, and i need to go get a catscan stat, i think. but it is the case with insurance and such that… i just feel like i don’t even know where to go, and i’m scared also that parents will see the insurance, or i mean, how much does insurance even cover for this shit? can i actually afford this crap? so many questions.

i have been having nightmares lately. i never have nightmares, and don’t really know what the cause is. they are especially prevalent when i stay at troy’s house. the worst was two nights ago, when i spit out half my teeth and was desperately trying to hold in the rest. i have had these kinds of dreams many times — dreams interpretation guides say teeth-related dreams have to do with financial worries, though i know in my case that can’t be true — and i will say that they are, hands down, the worst godamn dreams ever to have… they feel so horrible, each tooth feeling like it is wiggling, hanging on by a thin thread, me never certain whether i’ll lose them all or not… are these dreams telling me i should take care of my teeth better? but i just got a teeth cleaning last year and it was okay… that dream was followed up by a strange escapade where lenny and i were wandering an abandoned mall or something, and we were looking for places to, i think, do the nasty. we went into the elevator and that seemed like the best place but there was something amiss about it; i don’t remember what. the dream pretty much just consisted of much wandering, inside and outside the mall.

this morning’s dream had to do theft. i was in the woods with some people and went outside, and there was really light grey layer of light penetrating the sky in dotted cross-type shapes. they got brighter and brighter. someone asked what they were. i think i said they were lasers. they got brighter, and closer, and began to descend, and when they descended closer, a blue kite-like strip became apparent and it looked like the drupal logo but had the words, very clearly, “laser druid.” it was some company or some brand. got inside and discovered that all of the computers and things we had had been hacked, and that the laser lights were information-stealing lasers, or something. it was strange; our computers were locked from normal use but also were completely dismantled. i think i went into the next room and began crying or being really upset, saying that my computer was essentially my life… it’s weird, its weird, it’s weird.

anyway, when looking at people on the mush, they are essentially a huge ball of hair and eyes to me, and it is hard to focus and mostly unattractive. it’s relatively such a hard thing, weird temperatures and body functions, weird reactions to perception. we began by taking a walk through mt. tabor which was beautiful on that day, drenched in fog, pure misting on the face. so good, so good. the greens and red-browns came to light, along with the realization that i mimick patterns in my mind that aren’t usually there. as far as learning, all i came to be left with was that i need a haircut and to tighten up my style a little bit. and to watch what i eat a bit more and take care of this body thing. and that i need to make films — perhaps not now, but that i can and am capable of making films. it has always been a bit of a thing where my favorite photographers are those who stage elaborate sets, but i have never felt comfortable with doing anything of the sort, never felt comfortable with directing people to do anything. i guess more than anything the experience was a reminder that perhaps i can do those things, and should, just because they’re difficult? i am not sure. but i am excited for this suite of swahili-related videos i am editing, and it will be fascinating to see if these result to something more, whether they will ultimately be used for their videos, etc. it’s unclear, all is unclear.

i think what troy learned was that anything can be done. which is cool. evidently up until now such experiences for him have been ways to work on the self — and this time, it was manageable, a sense that the self is doing fine and that the self just needs to learn to do things rather than talk about doing things. we had an idea the other night when out with abe about reviving all-day concert series ala jam bands of yore, and i think the mushy cemented in troy’s mind that it was possible to actually do these things, and that should be a partner and help me do those things, rather than waiting around and waiting for them to happen. undoubtedly, these were cool things to hear. i guess he also thinks that it’s time for him to get a real job rather than continuing to serve food to kids… :L

relatedly, troy and i had a really hilarious conversation the other night where we logic-holed our brain into ridiculousness. it had been quite a while (since blake was around) that i had had such high-logic brain-numbing discussion that it took way shorter of a while for me to be fatigued by it, but it was interesting, and a memory of times. blah, blah, blah. it’s 3:00pm. i am going back to editing videos. i have been reading a literate passion, a collection of letters between henry miller and anais nin. it’s interesting, it’s love, and i never knew that henry miller was really the one who was more in love with her, that he waited for years to marry her, but that she never wanted to divorce her real husband for fear of hurting him, even though she had stopped loving him years before and thought of him only as a good friend. interesting people.

>__>

Woke up today with the most horrible of dreams. It is going to hard to convince myself to kick ass today, even though it is beautiful outside (or maybe that just contributes to the difficulty…)

barfing on my own face.

Today! Today, today, today, at 6:30am on February 9th, 2012, marks the date that I have finished Henry Miller’s The Tropic Of Capricorn. Never would I have believed upon being initially gifted this book that it would become notable enough to celebrate its completion! In it, I not only have found the perfect opening quote for my novel, but now I realize, the perfect closing one as well. And how symmetrical, that these chosen verses fall within the opening ten and closing ten pages of Miller’s book, just as they fall within the five opening and closing of mine.

It begins like this:

Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction.
Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside,
in life, as they say, lay the solution to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that
I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. Instead
I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for something to attach myself to — and
I found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left
high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something I had not looked for — myself.
I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live — if what others are doing
is called living — but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest
in living, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of
it at the same time, and beyond it.

And it ends like this:

It seems to me that it is exactly 25,960 years since I have been asleep in the black womb of sex. It seems to me that I slept perhaps 365 years too many. But at my any rate I am now in the right house, among the sixes, and what lies behind me is well and what lies ahead is well. You come to me disguised as Venus, but you are Lilith, and I know it. My whole life is in the balance; I will enjoy the luxury of this for one day. Tomorrow I shall tip the scales. Tomorrow the equilibrium will be finished; if I ever find it again it will be in the blood and not in the stars.

I, too, have begun and ended like this, though in reverse to this process. Henry Miller and I’s parallel romantic experiences are twain mirrors of our separated lives. But sandwiched between bookends of our shared experiences – symbolized by death and then birth, birth and then death – everything else in-between is variable, different, made similar only by our each writing a book and finding ourselves because of pain. Both hint towards the future, though seventy years of question marks divide them, his having completed The Tropic Of Capricorn in 1938 (appropriately, in Paris).

I suppose, contextually, for one to understand what I mean really is to capture this exact passage from The Tropic Of Capricorn – this passage that will begin my second book, the continuation of the first, the hello to the one for whom that is written, my star-aligned Aries, my age-old familiarity, for which this verse rings true:

“One can wait a whole lifetime for a moment like this.
The woman whom you never hoped to meet now sits before you,
and she talks and looks exactly like the person you dreamed about.
But strangest of all is that you never realized before that you had dreamed about her.
Your whole past is like a long sleep which would have been forgotten had there been no dream.
And the dream too might have been forgotten had there been no memory, but remembrance is there in the blood and the blood is like an ocean in which everything is washed away but that which is new and more substantial even than life: REALITY.”

Up until this moment, I knew not where to begin with the continuation; I knew only that my work must be continued. But here, before me, with its red jacket sleeve and 95 cent price point, lies the answer, the door-opening key spun from paper and memory and imagination, brought to me in the present by one Henry Miller, whose history and astrology I shall wander to research in the immediate future. Henry Miller, who his hive-minded, zombie-brained contemporaries foolishly sought to banish due to their lack of understanding his genius. Henry Miller, who similarly finds as much weight in astrology as do I; for no other reason would he write two books in homage of Cancer and Capricorn, for no other reason would he have said that he is “now in the right house, among the sixes…” upon finding his ultimate second love…

EDIT

I did find out that the book is not purely fiction or non-fiction, that the truths and non-truths are one and the same, indistinguishable. I wonder if his description of this love is about his wife, June? Or Anais Nin? Or none of the above? Purely fiction? Regardless, I did find this book, to the right, which has a synopsis like this (it is exactly what I aim to do with my own book, coincidentally) according to this lovely post on Psychicchic’s Paranormal Curtain:

“This book, Henry Miller: His World of Urania, was written by the late Hollywood astrologer, Sidney Omarr in 1960. The book analyzes the effect the planets had on Miller and his many works, including Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn, Black Spring and even Sour Orange Juice… I have yet to come across a book like this one – a book that dissects a life history in an attempt to examine the impact of any cosmic thinking.”

>>>

Now to get barfy. Forgive me.

I awoke this morning, as if from plague, afflicted, tumbling from me waters like catharsis – only waters poisoned. I have been bed-ridden since late last evening, feeling like complete pale-faced horror, eating rice and carbs in an attempt to create solid ground inside me, but there is none. It’s horrible. I need to work but I have no internet in my home, and I must make the decision of going out and risking disaster or staying here to do nothing except for occasionally write when the appropriate words come to mind. But aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I feel as though I am dying, though I am not, I hope; I am not often sick in this way, and it is the worst kind. At the same time, I am growing a pimple, I am sweating, oh, it’s horrible. Bathe me royally, is there anywhere for bandages to stop these ridiculous horrors?!! DEATTTTTTTTTTTH.

I’ve ventured out am in public. I’ve scarcely been here half an hour. I need to go home. I need to go home. I need to queue up some bookmark links about Henry Miller — no internet at home — and I need to go home. Over this for the time being. Why did I think I wanted to face the world? Oh, right, responsibility. Getting in the way of my comforts. Sick.

this is actually yesterday.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< written yesterday (though edited today to some degree)

I decided earlier today to walk from Capitol Hill to University District – a three-and-a-half-mile escapade I have done a few times before, though never on the particular route I took today and never when I actually lived here. Peter spent the previous weekend in Portland, so I hitched a ride back up to Seattle with him on Super Bowl Sunday. It amuses me immensely that Super Bowl now creeps up so suddenly; I find out about its existence a few days before, and it always comes as a complete shock. Not that I was ever extremely gung-ho about it, but I can appreciate most sports – baseball being the only real exception – and do find it interesting to miss out on such a huge part of American culture now, when I had at least some sense of it before (that sense shaped as person who was throwing a Super Bowl party or even more than a handful of people attending a Super Bowl party). Now, I don’t even have a party to attend even if I wanted to (and I would rather want to) unless I went up to Seattle and asked my Seattle friends if they knew of one I could attend, I guess! Perhaps even more interesting than that, though, may be going to a bar and watching it, given the recent hobby of visiting the most random bars ever and the fact that I’ve never done that before but nacho-eating huddled around a television is probably more or less the same no matter where you are or who you’re with…

As I was saying, I walked to U-District and was certainly more or less over the walk by the time I got there. It was nice to retrace my steps to my old workplace at the Experimental Education Unit, though; over the course of one summer I walked to and from work daily and lost an exorbitant amount of weight doing so. I would be so sweaty by the time I got to work that it was the kind of sweat that soaked through parts of your shirt you didn’t want it to soak through.

Losing weight is no longer such an easy feat, even if I do walk for miles at a time. I know this because I do that. I am curious what the difference is; is it really as simple as metabolism and growing older? It may also be the fact that I eat way more now… pretty sure that is a truth. It’s a mystery.

I walked through the University of Washington campus to the University District post office, making a couple of pit stops along the way. The first was stopping near the fountain by the Architecture building. The last time I was in Seattle, Troy and I happened to be in the Suzzalo Library – a true beauty, with one hell of an amazing reading room I had never taken the liberty of using when I went to school there – when I ran into Tammy and we came across a series of posters describing a Cultural Fair they used to have on campus. The heart of it was around the Architecture building, and it looked fucking incredible. While doing research to find photos of this, I also just came across this awesome blog of University of Washington’s historical photos. This article tells more about it as well (written in 2009, it celebrates the 100-year anniversary of the event). Am I getting school-sick? Seattle-sick? It seems that I am, big time, and I guess it’s pretty appropriately timed considering some things I will mention later on in this post.

Back to where I was. Walking through the UW campus, there was just one lovely stone bench that wanted so badly to be sat upon, the sun just slightly having been introduced to a corner of it. I granted it my ass! And faced slightly east and sat cross-legged upon it, welcoming in the morning sun with eyes closed, long my favorite way to meditate. Something about the rays upon your eyelids and turning everything an equalizing red, while highlighting patterns of eye dust, really just feels cathartic and radiant. (I also vaguely remember someone telling me once that looking into the sun in that way gets rid of some cells you no longer need and ultimately makes your eyesight or something better. Who told me that, and is it true? Who knows.)

I distinctly remember one meditation session in the backyard of the 716 house in Greenlake when I still lived there. It dawns upon me now that I may not even have purposely been meditating, as I’m not sure it was a practice I did then; it was just an appealing thing to do. I remember opening my eyes for the first time after an extended session adoring the sun in that way, and the world was not the world as I had seen it before; it was tinted blue, or green, but all things were visualized as they were in comparison to the sun’s strength and color. This tinting gradually subsided, but it was powerful to me then, a type of inducement of hallucinogenic states through doing nearly nothing at all. Today, meditating in front of the fountain, I expected difficulty; I expected that those passing by would distract me, that I would get lost in their footsteps and chattering and not be able to focus, similar to what had happened to me the other night with the Shamanic Mysteries. For the most part, though, I meditated for perhaps twenty minutes and many passed by, but none were chattering, save for a man who burped right towards the end of my session. And because I was out in the open, for all to see, I figured that some were looking at me while passing and wondering what I was doing, while others were perhaps not at all curious. As distracting as those iterations on human reaction could have been, they were a minor aside, small notes considering what I was actually thinking. The meditation thoughts were more worthy, rising to the top while the other portions sank down. I was proud to have been influenced so little by the thoughts of them, more interested by the thoughts of them inside me. It was a self-back-patting moment, the non-barrier to meditative entry always a graceful and satisfying moment.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< written today

I have been reading much of Henry Miller’s Tropic Of Capricorn, and quite pleased to say that after putting it down for months I am now nearing the end of it (note: my copy does not nearly look this awesome). This book was purchased by he, one named The Unmentionable Other, back in January 2011, and it was gifted to me by Rose when she headed off to the East Coast. He had left it at her house, and she knew not who better to give it to than me. But of course, the book’s existence was of eerie timing, similar to how Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea had been, and I can’t help but think that the silly Unmentionable has some sort of magical ability, akin to what I have developed, to manifest wishes desired into reality. But the difference seems to be that he wishes to manifest tragedy, imposed tragedy, inexplicable tragedy, where I desire for more peaceful, soulful, constructive things. I suppose our romance never would have worked. I suppose the place we are now is the perfect place – and I do not doubt this, have not doubted this, but it is always popping again as the type of reminder that might never die or dispose of itself, that pigeon-pecks seeds of reality. But more fitting, though, is that one sir Mr. Henry Miller writes like me, or more I write like him, though if you take the logic that he subscribes to of there being no time but only present – we both write like each other, quite mutually. But not always. The writing is mutual when I am feeling poetic and down in the dumps, when my internal monologue is strong and rambling and stream-of-consciousness rather than analytical and exacting. The writing is mutual when my roots are, as Miller says, rooted in the ground rather than in the brain – when the brain is in the heart rather than in the head. Of course, unlike Miller, I think I find value in both, whereas he seems to find value only in the one, in the heart-in-brain…

I am here, right now, in Albina Press in South Portland. I am playing catch-up on yesterday’s activities, as they are more of note than today’s. Yesterday, I was in Seattle, and after my morning meditation which I previously described, I happened by the set of lecture halls I previously had known so well – the ones which seated hundreds of people for General Ed courses, the ones which I fell asleep in innumerous times…

I passed by at 10:15am or so, and classes were just letting out. It had crossed my mind many times to visit one of these halls again, to barge in on a random class and let fate decide what I would learn that day as though I were some Freshman or Sophomore once again. But every time I return to Seattle, I never follow through with this plan because to actually plan the plan takes away from the magic of the plan. This particular morning, however, was ripe for my education! In I walked, decision made in a matter of seconds – straight into Kane 130, site of where I failed the hardest in college (Linguistics, Dinosaurs 101… I’m serious…)

I sat down, the same college awkwardness I had once known so well once again rearing its ugly head. Am I sitting in the right place? What if I’ve taken someone’s seat? What if I end up making conversation with a college student? Wait, what the hell! I’m almost 30! Shouldn’t I be over this shit?!!! But it seems not, as in this case, I am worried I might somehow be caught and that my imposter, education-gold-digging ways might be discovered, leading to ostracization – or probably not ostracization because I don’t think anyone would have that extreme an opinion – but misunderstanding, yes. Definitely misunderstanding.

To my chagrin, the class was a Communications class. I suppose in some way a Communications class should be something I’m interested in, considering I run a music and arts publication… but by god, there’s a reason I didn’t do Communications in Undergrad; it’s just not interesting to me in the same way that Sociology was! It’s similar to the lack of magic in planning on going to a random lecture class versus the magic of stumbling into one on a whim; deconstructing Communications not my jam. Making communications more my jam. And anyway, the concept we were initially presented with in this lecture – media bias and objectivity – were ones I learned about in high school Journalism class ad nauseum. Not to say that the information wasn’t valuable, but I was seriously hoping for some information about Linguistics or Dinosaurs (maybe to make up for my previous failures) or at least something I’m a little less knowledgeable in. C’est la vie, though, and the class was interesting in very particular ways, as it was a meta-commentary upon itself (which I will get into in a little bit here).

Some things have changed since I went to school at UW. For starters, laptops are now allowed, though only in the last five rows in this particular class! I suppose this comes as no surprise, but they were never commonplace when I went to University. But I just remember someone telling me recently that students don’t write real words anymore in class, and this is clearly a lie, I’ve now discovered through first-hand knowledge (though perhaps with younger generations this is indeed true).

At one point, the teacher, Randy Beam, put up one PowerPoint slide that asked the students whether M.I.A.’s flipping off people during the Super Bowl (see below) would “fall under the FCC’s definition of indecent content?” along with a multiple choice poll where 1 meant “Probably” and 2 meant “Probably Not”. All the students immediately reached into their backpack – a point of great confusion – and retrieved teeny tiny remote controls with which they punched in their answers! What! My mind was blown! What is this madness! Technology! Interaction! Teachers who actually employ participatory tactics in a class with hundreds of people and succeed?! This is remarkable!

In fact, the teacher did much back-and-forth with the large class, and students were surprisingly responsive. No question was met with complete silence, though I will say that most opinionated students were actually rather lacking in backbone. At one point, a series of cases were presented, and students were asked to decide whether they considered the cases to be news or not news. There were some quibbles amongst the class, wherein some considered The Daily Show news and some did not; some considered an opinion piece about supermarket purchases news, and some did not. A discussion ensued. Beam asked students how they arrived at the decisions that they did, and it was altogether too easy to back those students into corners! Come on, kids! If the professor saying something like, “Why isn’t [The Daily Show] news to you? Isn’t it from the World News Headquarters in New York?” – a clear joke – is enough to notably rattle your foundations, you’ve really got to think through your answers a little more! He in fact played Devil’s Advocate a lot, and almost every time the students gave up their original opinions and some even became confused about what their original opinions were. But I suppose they are still youth and the growth of backbone and well-thought-out opinions will come in time. Or not…!

My favorite response came from the individual who decided that celebrity gossip news (about the custody battle over Anna Nicole’s baby boy – or whatever, who cares) is news, despite the fact that it may not be particularly interesting to everyone. He said, “Just because news is esoteric doesn’t mean it’s not news. Some people wouldn’t consider sports news news.” This was perhaps the most profound and well-thought-out argument in the class. Kudos!

Though I left half-way through the lecture, during the conveniently-timed break (I really needed to leave then, and it would have been awkward if I had to leave mid-lecture!), the teacher hinted at what he would go on to discuss in the second half: how certain stories are picked over others, and why.

“It’s kind of chance [and idiosyncratic] what gets to be news,” he said, “because there is no standard definition of what is news and what is not.”

But the point of mega-meta-hilarity came from Beam’s earlier question. “Why isn’t anyone going to cover Com 201, unless I am doing something illegal?” he’d asked.

Exploding silent giggles to self! I was planning to cover Com 201 the whole time! And he wasn’t doing something illegal! But is this news? What is news? Is a blog post news? Is this too esoteric to be news? Is my opinion news? God, I don’t know anymore! I am reporting facts but my opinion is all over this thing! But isn’t that all news? Isn’t that the Daily Show? Isn’t that NBC and Fox News? Help me, Mr. Beam! What is news!!!!!!!!!?

EDIT >>>

Of course, I wrote the professor. His response: “This is a hoot — the irony of you “covering” a class about news when I was suggesting no one would ever consider it news. I just gotta talk about this tomorrow. Thanks for sending, Vivian. –RB”

These things are fun.

blargh blargh blargh blargh blargh blargh blargh blargh blah blah blah bah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
everyone makes a big deal out of ex-girlfriend things which makes me think that i should make a bigger deal out of it, but i know that i shouldn’t… it’s all just very silly.

the other night, troy and i went to jeff’s art opening; after we left, we decided to go to this random place near the gallery that looks interesting; it’s called funhouse. anyway, we really didn’t know what to expect — i seriously thought it was even a strip club or something — and it turned out to have this crazy freaking thing going on (see poster above… seriously. now imagine that on stage… which equals a lot of… costumes… and silly accents… including one guy who had a particularly maybe slightly offensive native american character with a really bad beard or something? super confusing.) anyway, the shit was totally awesome because it was free but it definitely blew my mind that: a) it cost $18 usually; b) the room was seriously full; c) the thing was probably sold out; d) it usually cost $18. where the heck did these people come from? i’m so confused. that being said the whole idea is arts-centric programming, which i can get behind… i just don’t get the humor or interest (especially not $18-worth of interest) of that type. but you know, whatever makes people happy? more power to them? congratulations?

no matter what, though, the place itself was totally amazing and they had one room that was full of clown paintings — a couple velvet ones, a couple intensely creepy ones including one that was slightly looking over his shoulder at you, and he was right next to the tv so you always saw him a little bit out of the corner of your eye, and one that was! the! best! thing! ever! and kind of reminds me of this dan lydersen painting with the flying ronald mcdonald… only it was way more epic and was a clown descending out of a sky like jesus. it was so sos oso sosos os oas o soso amazing. (a quick search for a jesus clown is both a good and a band idea…)

anywhooooooooooooot. yeah, they had a wii in that room and the owner or something of the place told us to play super mario forever, which is basically the hacked version of mario that i’ve embedded below. i mean that exact level. we got as far as 9 seconds in (robby got the furthest; he showed up just as the weird theatre piece was ending) and then gave up because it was too hard then moved onto mario 3, and in general, i was just stoked because i had been thinking — i think literally the day before — that i really wanted to play video games. wooooooooooo. we were definitely there for a couple hours. totally ruled, playing video games, in a bar, in a weird room adorned with all things clown…

anyway, blah blah blah. time to go be mihae’s paper editing slave part like five in the past two days! (but i forgot to call her on her birthday so this is kinda my self-imposed help and punishment cycle…)

other than that, though, she got gifted this shit for her birthday so one of my lucky friends coming up is definitely getting one of these…………………! had some of the whiskey rum and the askinosie dark milk chocolate and goat cheese with cognac figs. so fucking good, all of them, but the dark chocolate one wins, of course (it had tiny pieces, like mint chocolate chip, but finer, and pretty much all i need in life is chocolate). definitely learned recently that 90% chocolate is like, seriously, the only chocolate i can eat that i will be satisfied eating just a little bit of. with even like 86% i just keep eating it, waiting for it to get satisfying or something, and it just never does!! i dunno! it’s weird!

i’m fat, though. diet time, soooooooooooon. but first, cupcake royale tiramisu cupcakes tomorrow, since i’m in seattle, and like i said before, i’m totally obsessed with them :/

shamanic mysteries of egypt, part three. (1)

ugh just did it but did it at troy’s house and couldn’t get settled into it as nicely as i should have, i think. i am debating whether i should do it again. i think i should. i didn’t leave with so much. i will go through tonight’s after i do it again, but the only thing was that i had accidentally left a part of the last meditation onto the end of this one, and that it had asked me to search for an ancient memory. i tried but it seemed appropriate considering where i was. up until i was asked to search for a memory, the meditation had come to an end and i was just hanging out and sitting at the temple steps at saqqara and doing nothing much with anubis (i was asking him whether i should do it again, and he was like, well, if you’re hanging out i think it’s fine!). when that leftover section came up, though, i started falling away from the anubis conversation and was searching for some memory — similar to the one i had last time — but that disconnected me from where i was. i dunno. was left feeling kinda strange about the whole thing, and i think i should do it again just to fix it. i was starting to daze out though when something kinda scared the shit out of me and it was just like this mummy face, though it didn’t actually look like a mummy at all; it was just a face — vaguely — that really terrified me. i opened my eyes for a second (in real life, since i didn’t have my 100% black-out mindfold) and instantly closed them again and went calling for anubis to save me… and the image went away, but it freaked me out. also, of the four canopic jars i was left thinking very strongly that the one my heart was supposedly placed in was the one with duamutef, or the jackal-headed son of horus who was the guardian of the east. duamutef’s role was to protect the stomach of the deceased; he was protected by the goddess neith. (granted, i definitely thought it was anubis’ jar, and i did see the jar beforehand and probably just adhered to that particular one. not sure it means anything because i feel like this meditation was not really nearly as deep as the last couple have been >__>) one thing to mention, though, was that i definitely felt a “hollow” inside my body — as they claimed i would — but not until after my mummy scare. and anyway, it may have been just gas. anyway. gotta do it again, i think. not sure if that’s allowed, but it seems the better thing.