december 2003

december 31st, 2003 (new year’s)

i’m listening to… some jin song my brother is playing [hip-hop].
i’m feeling… sleepy, although i shouldn’t be.

3:33 pm — word up. what’d y’all do for new year’s eve?

mine was interesting… me, jeanette, and gerrine met up at sherry‘s house in danville and then we went to pick up some alcohols… 12-pack of coronas and a bottle of bacardi limon (which was disgusting… although the last time i drank it, it tasted great ). meh, i can smell the alcohol in my nose. GROSS.

anyway, after that we went to sherry’s apartment in berkeley and just sat around and drank a little… and then we took the bart to san francisco… to embarcadero. man, the bart was like a fucking PARTY… in the bart station some crazy ass indian guys told us to jump in their picture, and we did, and then they were like, “are you going to sf? we should hang out” and jeanette was like, “no”… lol. but one of them ended up putting his arms around her waist and stuff and she didn’t say anything lol. WAL.

then on the first train we got on, i sat down next to this black guy named “J-LOVE”… lol… i guess he just got out of five years in jail for drug trafficking, and he was just like drinking remy on the bart and offering it to everyone hah. and he busted flows for us, and it was kind of cool… and he told us to be on the lookout for him when his album drops. har. we’ll see!!

and then we changed trains and then we met a whole bunch of other people that were drinking on the bart and this one guy lit up a blunt too lol… nice!

when we got off at embarcadero, the fireworks were nice, but it started raining @ like 12… bOoOo… we met up with jeanette’s lil bro alex, and some other paphi’s andy and david… everyone was hella cool except for david… he was retarded… one of those “i am too cool for this shit” type of people… bOo, no me gusta. like i had those little firecrackers that you throw on the ground and they explode, and he was too cool to even take one of those. he was the only one. what a loser. i hate people like that. :X but yeah alex was trying to convince me that it didn’t hurt to break one of those in your hands, so i broke one (you stick it between your fingers and then snap your fingers), and it hurt. but not as much as you would think.

so, we decided to get a ride back with them… walked like 15 blocks… took us like half an hour to get to the car. he got valet parking man… hukkkkk… T__T we crammed seven people into this car… it was fun. not really. actually, it wasn’t that uncomfortable, though. we got back to sherry’s apartment and nelson, richard, and jason were there… and we drank some more and people smoked some (although they smoked before heetae got there and it was his weed, so he was kinda mad)… and then heetae, phil [wu], and josh appeared and there was more smoking and stuff… blah, blah… lots of drinking i think i should stop drinking vodka because i always get a weird reaction after i drink vodka, but yesterday i drank rum and everything was a-ok. :X

but yeah we just sat around and talked about stupid stuff… it was good times blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!! all the guys who were there who we knew but didn’t really know thought the apt was mine, lol… i’m not quite sure why… perhaps because i was the only girl really still drinking and getting them cups and shit like that. i don’t know. -__-’ it wasn’t the most LIVELY event, but i was amused, and at least me and gerrine didn’t have to take care of puking people this time, HAR HAR HAR. ^^”

—

december 30th, 2003 (the key to snowboarding)

i’m listening to… my brother playing tiger woods… -__-”
i’m feeling… sore… almost.

the piece of shit computer we have at home that i am currently typing on is a 448 mhz pentium 3. KILL ME. IT’S HORRIBLE. and my parents refuse to spend money for an upgrade X_x ^_x ^_^

11:54 pm — mmm tomorrow is going to be sore death. went snowboarding @ boreal today with sherry, jeanette, jeremy, phil, jason, and adriel. hahaha it was adriel’s first time snowboarding in like seven years… and omfg, it was pain (for him, but also for us). we waited for him for SOOOOOO long… and went on two runs in two hours time. jason went on one (cause he was waiting for him). oh my lord… and so adriel tried, but every time he tried to get up, he’d fall back down, and he’d sit there for another five minuts before trying again. yeah, everyone gets frustrated the first time (cause snowboarding is pain), but if you pay $70 for that shit, you better fucking try to enjoy it!!! so yeah, he went down one run in two hours and then went to go sit in the lodge for the rest of the four hours or so we were there. WAL (what a loser). but yeahhhh it was fucking great… DEFINITELY one of the best snowboarding trips i’ve ever had. the weather was amazing (sunny, except for like an hour and a half when it was lightly snowing), it was all powder (it snowed HELLA last night), there was great company (i’ve missed some of those fuckers!), i was using new boots that don’t cut off circulation to my feet like my old ones, andddd! i have finally learned the key to being a good snowboarder… it was hella powdery today so i wasn’t really scared to fall (or at least not as much as usual)… and i discovered FEARLESSNESS and DRAMATIC MOVEMENTS are what it takes. if you think you’re going to fall all the time, you will. but if you don’t think about it… you improve a lot (says i, who ate the snow so many times, but nevertheless…)… and as for the dramatic movements… seems like the harder you make turns when you carve the better chance you have. meh, my board is too long though, so it moves hella friggin fast. scary as fauk. and annoying. and oOh! i finally did a few jumps… yey! first time. i wanted to try grinding, but i feared slipping and falling and killing myself should have tried, though… dammit. there was also this little metal bar that was easy and there was no way of killing myself by going on it, but dammit, i didn’t see it until after i passed it. but dammmmnnnn fun. i hope we get to go back up on friday. ^__^ (friday = $10 student lift tickets!!)! but yeh, the key to snowboarding is probably the key to life too… HMM TRICKY!!

watched “big fish” with xinlei, fontaine, claire, and fontaine’s boyfriend last night. IT WAS A FUCKING WEIRD MOVIE. it’s one of those movies that you watch, say WTF all through-out it, and then leave saying, “i don’t know what to think of it”… cause it wasn’t BAD, but it was just so… odd. but yeah, that whole movie made me think a lot more about being an old fart and dying and stuff… AGAIN BLAH. BLAH!!!

afterwards we went to room with a cue to meet up with dahye, david [shibata], richard [lee], and albert… and they were having karaoke night (which is odd, because i didn’t know white people did karaoke that often :X) and so claire and i decided to sing “torn” by natalie imbruglia… OMFG it’s so fucking scary… there were like seventy or so people there (i’m bad @ guestimating that kind of shit though)… and good god it was scary… i could sing on key, but i couldn’t even control my voice and it was shaking so much… ugh… so scary. yet… interesting. i’d do it again, probably. singing is so great. T__T

i’ve been reading a LOT this break. lots of magazines, some chinese-american novel about that cultural revolution that my mom’s co-worker gave her (forgot the name of it ), “fast-food nation”, and i’m almost done with “diary” by chuck palahniuk, which sherry bought me for christmas. he’s amazing, by the way, so if you haven’t read his books, READ SOME. he’s the guy who wrote “fight club”, which puts him on a whole nother plane just because. i also re-started writing my uh novel… not the one between me and sherry (who knows what will happen with that), but my own… umm, yeah, probably won’t be finished until i do some more growing up, though. ^__~

i am broke as a joke dude. where does all the fukkin money go?! time to work me arse off when i go back to washington, and like, actually save up money (for a laptop)… ARGHLE! gargle! although saving up money probably won’t work too hot, as it is snowboarding season and i have dreams of going every week… and like… concerts… and FOOD. fooood. yeah, well, the rest of this break in cali, i’m going to do inexpensive things. argh. sanjOoOod. GOOD FUCKING TIMES.  

(anthony’s response:)
although saving up money probably won’t work too hot, as it is snowboarding season and i have dreams of going every week… and like… concerts… and FOOD“

You better believe it. Every week! Concerts too… but not every week otherwise I’ll be broke even more so than I already am.

—

december 28ht, 2003 (fleting…)

i’m listening to… my brother playing tiger woods…
i’m feeling…

10:05 pm — went to a memorial service with my brother and phil [wu] today… it was for pastor chiu, who passed away like… last last week? last week? i don’t know. to be honest, it was really boring, but only because we were outside (it was way packed and overcrowded) and we couldn’t get into the sanctuary… so we couldn’t hear anything. at first i tried, but then i just didn’t really care. it’s sad though… :/ that everyone has to come and go and it is all just so fleeting. who knows how much time there is to really make an impact and really show people you’re worth something, and to show that you care… MEH… this is the closest i’ve ever gotten to a funeral (and this is by no means close at all), but i am already so close to losing someone who actually means something to me… my grandma will probably last a couple more months… she already can’t do anything for herself… and can’t talk… she understands some stuff though… but it’s just so godamn sad… :/ bah… yeah… there were so many people at the memorial… like 600+ because the sanctuary holds that many and the people couldn’t even fit into the sanctuary… wow, to make that kind of impact. i really do find it amazing that he lived for god his whole life and that at the end he really, honestly did not fear dying. that’s faith… hard to imagine having that kind of love and devotion for god… he even endured 3 1/2 years of persecution in china for preaching the gospel… i don’t know if it was all in vain or not, but he was a damn happy guy and lived a full life… just… sad.

—

december 27th, 2003 (+ sweatdrop)

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… okie dokie.

12:46 am — just got back from tapioca express with sherry, jeanette, phil [nho], dave [lee], and grant (whom i also have not really seen in a while). wOot. tried to go to the boba place in dublin first but eh that was like… closed… and stuff. ;[ so we took three cars to milpitas, which is like, inefficiency to the maximus, but w/e! --'' it was fun times... lots of fun with the digi-cams and funny faces HWAR HWAR HWAR. and as always, jeanette's stories that... aren't really stories. =X ^^'' *sweatdrop*.

earlier in the day i went with dave and dahye to hayward where we went to the korean market and got fattening food (huk T_T) and rented these korean movies... the first was "nabi (butterfly)" and the second was "my tutor friend"... "NABI" (which was DAVE'S SELECTION) was seriously one of the worst movies i've ever seen in my LIFE. the scenes were all strung together without much thought or reasoning and the main characters (it was supposed to be an action-love story) had NO depth at ALL... you didn't care about them at all and they would all be crying and stuff and you'd just be like... eh. it was a HORRENDOUS movie. and like four hours long too... never ended... dave is never picking a movie again. -__- especially since he's a guy and he only watches romantic comedies now... um... WHO ARE YOU!? X: the other movie, "my tutor friend" was a romantic comedy and it was actually pretty funny... X: really out-there. mmmm... yeah enough korean movies for the rest of my life though... after watching "nabi" i never wanted to watch a korean movie again. --''

---

december 26th, 2003 (rawr)

i'm listening to... my brother and his friend playing "celebrity deathmatch" on ps2... why, i do not know.
i'm feeling... sort of sleepy, but i want to stay up to watch "28 days later".

12:35 am -- hmm today was the epitome of every break summed up into one day. in the morning we went after-christmas shopping @ stoneridge mall with sherry and jeanette... saw xinlei and my mom there too heh O: after that we went to dublin hacienda center to do some more shopping and then we were supposed to do even MORE, but i didn't return half the shit i needed to because the after-christmas lines were way too huge to deal with... bleh. zany brainy is closing down though, so i got allen [ma]‘s christmas present and this neato lantern set thing TEEHEE.

@ night went to go play pool and drink boba with dahye, fontaine, claire, xinlei, and claire’s friend justin and his friend ryan (who for some reason both me and dahye thought was named mike… go figure?!). claire thought justin was hella hawt cause he’s like this white skater dude… but he’s whatevers… i thought ryan was a lot cooler too because he actually like… talked. lol. O__o and justin just kind of had a blank stare the whole time and said like three sentences maybe. maybe he is just a quieter type of person… who knows. rawr.

yesterday was christmas… really didn’t feel like much this year. i sort of cleaned my room, though, and found this exciting pair of maroon sort-of-like-snowboarding-pants-but-not-pants that i bought like… four years ago… AND THAT WAS EXCITING ^__^ especially cause they still fit. although most of my clothes still fit… although a lot of them are a little too small or a little too big because i’m constantly fluctuating between fatnesses and skinnenesses. O__x this trip home has = lots of food which = fatnesses. XD didn’t really get any exciting presents this year… i can’t diffrenciate what is a christmas and what is a birthday present, so w/e… between the both of these dates i got (from my family) a wacom tablet and $200, and (from my friends) some little notebooks and stuff, a bag, a coolio beanbag pillow that they sell in brookstone now but that is from japan, the new chuck palahnuik book “diary” (yay!), some personalized songs *cough har har har*, a couple cd’s, and some other stuff i have yet to recieve ^__^ cool enough.

finally going to go snowboarding next tuesday (the 30th)… fucking hell yeah. ABoOT TIME MAN. seen a lot of fOolios i haven’t seen for a while this break… jon [toy] (4 years), tomiko (a year? iono), dave [lee] (1 year), diana (probably like 3 years)… cool seeing old folkers. ^^ some more. but my brain has died on me. =)

so yeah everyone around me in california – school friends and church friends – are in like serious relationships, and i’m the only loser who hasn’t had one, lol. sometimes i really really want someone, but then when i think about it, i don’t want someone who would put a limit on the people i’m allowed to see and the things i’m allowed to do. ideally, a “good boyfriend” wouldn’t put limits on those things, but who knows where the hell THOSE guys are… cause i sure don’t see them. =) we’re too young to be tied down, i think that’s for sure. X__x but maybe i’m just saying that because i don’t have those things… HWAR HWAR HWAR.

—

december 23rd, 2003 (asuidhasuidhad)

i’m listening to… the computer humming.
i’m feeling… shamed and like i should just give myself an honorable death like a samurai -__-

1:35 am — just saw “the last samurai”, which, like everyone has said, was surprisingly good. ARRRGH. i hope it wasn’t historically accurate because it made me come out feeling just BAD, esp since the samurai were just so like… beautiful. not a very masculine word, but whatever the fuck… i kind of wish it had no attraction / kissing / lovey dovey scenes though, but actually, they kept that to a minimum, which is very un-hollywood-like, so i guess i am proud of them. it was good. not one of my favorites, but definitely among the better of the war-type-flicks (blahblahblah).

my grades are so bad i am going to diziiiiieeeee… i’m surprised my GPA isn’t a lot lower than it is cause OMFG. godammit. kill me. parents are going to kill me.

went to haight-ashbury with jeanette and xinlei today… jeanette is a shopping whore. it wasn’t as exciting as i thought it was, and i didn’t get my demonia shoes, godammit. nowhere has my demonia shoes. i am bittar @ life. WOW I JUST LOOKED AND I AM AMAZING… I’VE NEVER GOTTEN OVER A 3.0 IN MY WHOLE COLLEGE CAREER SO FAR AND 3.0 IS THE HIGHEST I HAVE GOTTEN… WOW I SUCK. godammit… -__-

we went to pastor wayne’s house @ night for dinner (which was yummy, cause they say “he is a gourmet chef”, and then to movie and then BLEH. kireh.

—

december 22nd, 2003 (tales of drunken stupor)

i’m listening to… the television (“charmed” is on).
i’m feeling… okay. -__-

6:33 pm — my parents want me to go to beijing university this summer to study chinese… it’s like an eight week program from june 27th to mid-august… study chinese and they take you around china for two weeks. $3,000-something bucks, not including airfare. would anyone like to join? ^^ $200 or something bucks off if three people join together. rawr ~ but yeah, i’m down to go, because my chinese is teh sux again >__< and i’ve never been to that part of china… so… yeah. i still want to go to italy the most though. dammit. -__-

anyway, yesterday (the 21st) was chock full of drunken… fun, or lack thereof. ummm during the morning went to church… BAH… never going again… fucking boring as hell. i hate church. and like, the whole english service has been taken over by one of our church families… three of them on the worship team (out of five people), and one of them as the… spokesperson… er, i dunno the title. -__- announcement-maker-dude. twas just really different from before, and too uncontemporary to be entertaining @ all. even praise was not that entertaining, and that is usually the best part. meh. no more church for me -__-

after that went to the mall with sherry, jeanette, tin-win, and karen and got treated to lunch @ california pizza kitchen… it’s good, i guess, whatever, pizza is not that exciting of a foods. -__- i’ve been eating nonstop as of late -__-” rawr. fatness. but yummy fatness! -__-

came home, slept for some hours, ate dinner, and then decided to go to DA CLUB with sherry and jeanette and gerrine… here comes the pain train. -__- on the way to jeanette’s, a cop pulled me over and it freaked me the fuck out, but he was really nice and was only telling me that my front right headlight was out. whew. -__-’ probably will need to go fix it tomorrow. good thing i got pulled over BEFOREHAND and not afterwards *cough.

after we got to jeanette’s, sherry lent me a cool black top (wOosa) and then we went to DA CLUB in san francisco (after getting a teeny bit lost)… club whisper… which gerrine claims looks like a furniture store, and it does… and it’s really like a warehouse or something. i dunno… looked ghetto on the outside, but it was okay on the inside O__o” hella small inside though… which was REALLY odd since it looked like there were just sooo many people and cars there and there weren’t THAT many. o__O *confrOoze.

so me, jeanette, sherry, and gerrine divided up an eighth of vanilla vodka amongst the four of us and then like 1/2 of a water bottle of malibu rum… surprisingly, the vodka was GOOD and the malibu was FUCKING DISGUSTING (and we even drank that after we were DRUNK). we got into the VIP line but then jeanette had to wait for her friend, and we went back to the car to get her cellphone and call her friend… and me and gerrine peed in the streets and we all drank some more -__- WHICH SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DONE. at least not for some of us! when we got back in line after jeanette’s friend came, the bouncer wouldn’t let sherry in because she was piss drunk and couldn’t even stand up straight… and jason and nelson ended up showing up and helped us out for a while… nelson carried her for a while lol. she puked A LOT… D: i’ve seriously never seen anyone puke so much in my life man. so she was puking, puking, a little of it got on jeanette’s car… and then jeanette went in for a little while but she said she just stood @ the front door most of the time waiting for us… and then she came back out and that meant she couldn’t go back in… :X and she ended up passing out in the car with sherry. how the two of them got so drunk… no one knows. at least jeanette didn’t puke, though. at some point jason called me to go get his jacket because it was hella hot inside and like… i accidentally went to the wrong area and sat on puke. bleh.

when i came back, gerrine was walking towards my direction and she was like, “let’s just go in because sherry is being a brat”… cause i guess sherry was telling her “don’t fucking give me any more fucking water; just fucking leave me alone”… because gerrine kept giving her water since she was puking so gawdamn much (once again, how this happened i do not know / understand… probably because she didn’t eat dinner )

so me and gerrine went inside and talked to fOols for a little while outside and then went inside to dance… and all the guys looked the same and were all greasy… it was a pi alpha phi (asian fraternity) party, so yeah… … … saw tomiko there though! lol. funneh. O__o the thing ended @ two, and the DJ was horrendous… and played a lot of like… reggae music towards the end. we only went inside for like 45 minutes though, so things actually kinda worked out cool, because i think if i had been in there since we got there (like 11:00 – 2:00), i would have DIEDDDDDDD. cause da club = da sux… unless you have A LOT OF ALCOHOL.

four seconds ago i thought “charmed” was a cool show, but now it is back to being a sort of retarded show.

HMM anyway, after the club ended, we sat outside with some random guys and jeanette’s friend stephanie, eating BREAD that daniel got from some random fOol (no one quite knows how)… and uh… sitting there, waiting for someone to sober up enough to drive us home… and then gerrine got a phone call from her sister so she really had to go home, and sherry started driving the car… AND ALMOST KILLED US BY RUNNING INTO THE CURB… so i ended up driving cause i wasn’t sober but i was the sober-est… it’s not a good thing to be drunk-driving, but i must say… it was FUN >__<” like, i was driving the speed limit the whole time (60-65 on highway) but it felt like we were FLYING lol… -__-” weird, man.

today i’ve just been eating and sleeping all day, pretty much D: niceeee. garfield.

—

december 20th, 2003 (-___-)

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… meh.

1:50 am — wOosa, just won $11 offa some people playing poker. ^^ yey ~ ^^

today sherry and jeanette took me out for dinner @ joe’s crab shack (or something) in san francisco. it was alright tasting, kinda expensive :/ halfway thru the meal “staying alive” came on and all of the workers started dancing to it… pretty cool har. they had like a routine and everything. there was a girl who had a birthday @ the table next to us and they made her hold up these little paper wings and strapped a paper beak on her and told her to ‘fly around the restaurant’… i was scared to death but my waitress was nice and didn’t make me do that… she and some other chick just said something like they’ve been working hard on a backwards version of “happy birthday”, and sang “happy birthday” with their backs to us… HAR HAR SO FUNNY… wait, no, not really! D:

we were gonna drink, but no one really wanted to, and i didn’t really feel like it… :/ and then we watched “whale rider” @ jeanette’s house… yea yea yup yup. need to go to sleep because i have to go to church tomorrow or some shit. fucking nuts. shinjineh.

sooo sick of life. -__-’ would be a good day to start and to end, eh. feel soooo… lacking. alone… ALONEEEE.

“why do i even try? i don’t know; it’s all for nothing.”

(xinlei’s response:)
happy birthday vivian sorry i have nto been able to get out of bed or talk on a telephone:( in fact im getting nauseous right now from benig in front of the compuoer right now without contacts oh fartballs. hope you had a superbulous birgthday

—

december 19th, 2003

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… meh.

1:32 am — meh. -__-” just got back from pc bang and shooting pool with claire, fontaine, jon [toy], kevin, and jimmy… damn, first time i’ve seen that fool jon toy in like… fucking five years or something… CRAZINESS! but yeah, it was cool… always nice seeing old friends whose cars you’ve crashed *cough. :X we played pool for bettin shit but we ended up playing so many games it just ended up “evening out” and playing for betting was pointless in the end. -__-” kinda lame.

claire accidentally backed out into this 4runner or something… she got a dent in her bumper that looks like someone literally shoved their knee into it. the other car was alright, though. and she also got a 4.0 this quarter… without studying or going to class… … … … .. . wtf.

whatever, boring life.

i want a wacom tablet.

december 2003

december 18th, 2003 (unimpressed)

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… okay.

11:08 pm — saw “lord of the rings three: return of the king” today. i didn’t think it was that great… i was actually rather disappointed. #3 was better. reasons for disappointment:
[1] legolas wasn’t in there enough… :X he was probably in the movie a total of five minutes… no kidding. agent smith, evil elf man, got more screen time than that!!
[2] legolas should have died (in the book?!)… but he didn’t. only disappointing because i was waiting for it the whole time.
[3] frodo!? i thought he was gonna die, but he didn’t, and i was sad.
[4] the ending was way too long.

so whatever, everyone will watch it no matter what, but eh. seems like i’m the only one who was unhappy with it though. meh.

nothing else to say. i lava the home-cooking. ^__^ “i love the little tacos… I LOVE THEM GOOOOD.”
but a second chance means nothing,
if nothing’s learned from past mistakes,
and i’m sure we felt the weight.
cause three whole years fall on deaf ears
and i’m in no place for solitaire.
it’s not fair to me.
do you remember when?
when i figured it was cool,
but i figured wrong.
why do i even try?
i don’t know,
it’s all for nothing.
THE MOVIELIFE – KELLY.—

december 13th, 2003 (i need you so much closer…)

i’m listening to… “i will remember you” by sarah mclaughlin [alternative], death cab for cutie’s “transatlantacism” album [emo].
i’m feeling… worried?!

1:42 am — wtf mate! i’m worried about arlen, lol… maybe i shouldn’t be, but he has been sick for the past three weeks or whatever, and then all of a sudden he gets some kind of pox and he has spots all over… and when matt came back today, arlen’s tv and computer and shit were gone? wtf? creepy… i hope it’s not something serious / a joke (because that WOULD be an arlen-type joke)!

anyway these last couple of days have been characterized by drinking and hanging out… fuck studying for finals…!! haven’t drank for like… almost a month though, so i felt kinda sick drinking any @ all D: how do people drink everyday! seriously!?

yesterday hmm… me and eva just went around the ave and shit and got bubble tea and then sat in barnes and nobles for like two hours or something looking @ magazines D:

then when we got home, brett [buchholtz] picked up my ghetto ass and i went to their place… hung out with brett [murphy], jake, dan, joe, and some other fools who lived there who i don’t really (care to) remember the name of… anyways, drank a little, but nothing much… felt too gross to drink. :/ we watched this horreeeendous ass stephen king movie “dreamcatcher”… OMFG it was so bad; it has like aliens coming out of people’s buttholes and shit… wtf?! horrible. don’t watch it, plz. it had like one cool psychological idea, which is hard to describe, but one cool idea does not salvage such a bad movie. -__-” it was AMAZINGLY bad… i seriously lost a little bit of respect for morgan freeman for even BEING in that movie lol. D: played some texas hold-em too… mMm i love it! it’s gooooood… and such the rage nowadays!!!

today me and eva got our hairssss cut… mine is like a little shorter than shoulder length now, but it’s fucked up, because for the hairstyle i want, they need to texturize (or cut with razor) the bottoms to make it like… sharp… whereas they just used scissors… D: we got a free meal out of it though (they gave us coupons)… and mMm, the haircut only cost nine bucks (grand opening on the ave ^__^)

went with hsu-ken to mcdonald’s… because i always get cravings for chicken mcnuggets… mmm, probably one of the only things in mcdonald’s worth eating D: -__-”’ the newly advertised ones with “real white meat!” taste exactly the same though, so they really probably ARE just bleached white… ick D: doesn’t that make you wonder what they were made of before -__-

tonight… same thing, basically, minus the horrible movie D: went over to josh / chol / seungbum‘s apartment to celebrate birthdays, sorta… cause me, josh, and jessica‘s birthdays are all within the next two weeks (although josh’s was today)… hella fools up in there… at first we actually knew everyone, and it was cool… everyone got drunken (once again i only took a little more than a shot, but omfg, kahlua is so FUCKING good!!!) cause josh bought like $100+ worth of alcohol… baileys, vodka, rum, kahlua, more rum, soju, sake, stuff, juice, stuff, lots of beer, lots of STUFF. and it was fun… played some games, sat around, lalala… and then all these little ghetto ass asian kids from tacoma popped out of nowhere and all of a sudden we were like, WTF WE DON’T KNOW ANYONE!? and they started drinking the alcohol and shit, so i told them straight up, “if you guys are going to drink any more, can you please lay down some money, since you guys don’t know any of the guys who live here?” and most of them quickly ran away… seriously, before i finished my sentence, they were fukkin in the other room… hah. so [flip-]john (one of the only guys who we actually KNOW out of that group of little farts) said he was down to chip in some, and the other guy who was still actually there said that he would go round up money, and then oh! fancy that, they stopped drinking, heh. whores…!

but yeah, whatever, i tire of alcohol too, and i had a lot of fun both of these nights being even buzzed really… so fuck that, maybe i’ll just stay sober more often from now on -__-

mmm… birthday in a week ^__^ christmas in almost two!

—

december 11th, 2003 (crazy glue = teh sux)

i’m listening to… “miwuhdoh dashi hanbun man” by vibe [korean r&b], “ten below blazing” by m-flo [japanese drum'n'bass woosa!], “i believe” by lee sooyoung [korean r&b], “nan ahra yo” by seotaiji [korean like... 80's rock lol].
i’m feeling… okay.

11:34 am — so yesterday was the worst day in a long time, lol, but it was all kind of amusing because it was just so retarde.

- stayed up all night to study for biological anthro and finish sociology homework, but at the last minute my printer broke. -__-
- janine called me to carpool yesterday and then neither her or eli even woke up… uh, okay, that’s fukkin retarded, because every time i carpool with her i make sure i wake the fuck up because otherwise i ruin their carpool and that’s just fucked up… but, hey, it’s cool that she doesn’t even care lol.
- so, by the time i found out they weren’t coming, it was 8:30, and i had missed the bus to go to campus, and i left the apt to walk, but i was wearing glasses cause i was too lazy, and it was raning, so i said, fuck this, and went back home. -__- luckily, my TA accepted my homework cause i made up some partial excuse about how i missed my carpool and i live a half hour away. w/e … actually kind of true cause it does take me a half hour to walk to that part of campus.
- at night i was working on people’s christmas presents… of which i no longer really want to work on but i suppose i need to finish. so… yeah, basically everything was LITERALLY falling apart. -__ -
- i was painting stuff while trying to crazy glue other stuff, and of course, with my luck, crazy glue got on my hand, which got on my ring, which equals ring stuck on finger permanently. -__- much pain, and much immovability (that’s not even a word huh?), so i just happened to pull it off in my sleep because iono, less conscious pain that way, and finished pulling off the rest of it this morning. meh. it’s gross because since i was painting too, all the places where the glue were are like white and brown. heh.

so some random chick found me offa http://www.u-match.net yesterday, and she’s in my polisci class next quarter, and she IMed me saying something along the lines of, “my name is vy too! i’m in your polisci class next quarter, and we asians need to stick together! i was the only non-white girl in my class last quarter!” which is… odd. exactly what i was talking about yesterday, fancy that. -__-

i’m trying to get my poetry / fiction published in the january (it’s annual) issue of bricolage… just kind of one of those things i want to do. D: wish me luck >__< ehm, too bad it’s not going to be published until the end of 2004, if it even IS published, and by then i’ll probably even forget it exists.

oh, and, of course, i’m missing allister when they come here again, cause i think it’s sold out, and no one will go with me (josh said he would, but he won’t).

i think today will be another boycott internet day. thank you, come again.

3:15 pm — okay, but DUDE, brett [buchholtz] bought me seamonkeys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!! !!! exciting times. too bad i can’t play with them until after break, because otherwise they’ll die :*(

dude, if anyone can find this song: zeebra + sugar soul – siva 1999 [japanese], please please please hook me up with it. i will give you a um… turkey.

—

december 8th, 2003 (beautiful)

i’m listening to… albumwrap’s “albumwrap” album [electronica... like ambient, and downbeat type stuff], “animatrix” soundtrack [electronica... like ambient, tech breaks, and stuff].
i’m feeling… okay.

12:40 am — as it were so easy to suppress feelings, it would be done >__<

it’s so odd… the more often i see girls around here and what they do and how the act, the less fitting in i feel. -__-”’ girls here in WA are just sOo freaking different. and even in cali, but i dunno… there are more people who i can relate to in cali ;L or maybe i’m just looking in the wrong places. who the fauk knows.

and i was also thinking… it’s so odd… all throughout elementary and middle school, and most of high school, my friends were pretty diverse… mostly white, but i went to a predominantly white school… with some hispanics… some asians… stuff… and then somewhere halfway through junior year, but moreso during senior year, i got the idea that being asian was the hip thing to do… so i really pretty much ditched a lot of the people i once knew to get closer to other people… hmm. there’s really something sad / odd about the fact that race makes such a big difference… i notice that a lot of people who had a lot of non-asian friends in high school or whatever just tend to be more polarized towards other asians in college. what is it about college that makes people so segregated? it’s really kind of fucking annoying, and when i think about it, i wonder why i did things the way i did in high school. o__O i’m just flaky i guess… changing friends every year and shit … it just feels wrong :/ i wonder what a lot of those people are doing now, since i don’t talk to any of my old “best friends” now… and those were all people who made a big impact on shaping the person that i was, that i am… and i wonder why i could just drop people so easily back then without giving it much thought… and how the label “best friend” could be applied so arbitrarily while maintaining those friendships didn’t seem all that important. i do regret it now, and i guess that is one of the only things that i can think of that i really do regret… so i just hope that sometime i’ll get the opportunity to talk to the lot of them again. :/

more about race that bothers me!! i say this all the fucking time, but i really really really really really hate it soooo much when asian girls (especially, even though from high school i noticed some of my white friends did it too) see mexican guys looking at them and automatically get completely disgusted and talk shit, but if it were an asian guy instead, they’d be flaunting that shit. :/ it’s really really bothersome for some reason, and yeah, some mexican guys do make comments and stuff, but it’s not all of them, and even so, the culture in mexico really is a lot different from it is here, and that is more of the norm over there.

good god, that was such a huge run-on sentence. there’s a lot more i hate. i just really really hate racism, and intolerance of race… or sexual orientation… or whatever the fuck, for that matter. GAWD. people are so STUPID. ><  

(hsuken’s response:)
Your a racist

december 2003

december 7th, 2003 (lang bor de vale )

i’m listening to… staind and justin timberlake’s album “justified” [pop/r&b]. har har har, i love justin’s musak. no shame in it.
i’m feeling… -__-”

10:08 pm — yeah, whatever!

the end part of “senorita” is annoying as hell. meh. this weekend has been, whatever, kind of interesting because it has been just a weird weekend. -__-

friday, went over to visit tony and we watched “how to lose a guy in 10 days” which was eh, kind of funny at some points, but kind of annoying also. :X then we took pics cause his pics are p.i.m.p. ~ but i’ll share those after he finishes editing them >< and then i just went to visit josh, chol, and seung‘s cause people were all drunk and shit @ their place. w0rd… word. been a while since i’ve drank. O__x a while being three weeks. and no drugs for a while… a while being like, shit, six months. ^__^ i think that’s right anyway… maybe less. :/

but yeah… eh… people were talking about suicide and how the only reason they haven’t yet committed suicide was because they didn’t want their roommates to come back and find them and be all traumatized because of it… :/ sad…………………………………………..

yesterday = geekiness… me, trask, arlen, brett [ buchholtz], and jeremy lanned in mccarty south’s 5 lounge… rofl… okay, geeky… :/ but whatever, there’s no changing it, i already know i am / have been a geek, and so does everyone else. so w/e. we played as a professional swedish team SK (schroet kommando or some shit) and i picked up such cool swedish phrases as “godmorgon” (good morning), “lang bor de vale” (long live the whale), and “har du sedd min kaslonger?” (have you seen my pants?)… all very useful, and very, very amusing >__< gan ni niang. >__< oh yes and you know what was weird… so… brett killed this guy in cs the second right before the next round started, and the screen kind of lagged and this blood spurt showed up on the screen, and the beginning of the next round, the guy he killed was dead. it was like… he got killed so late in the first round that he died in the second round O__o; hella weird! yeah f u i’m a loser.

today me and eva went to ranch 99 on aurora… it just opened… so fucking nice having a chinese supermarket around… you don’t even know. i wish race weren’t such a big fucking deal… -__- but i don’t feel like elaborating on that, so i shant.

and uh my roommate christine is a fucking hoebag… i guess eva has been taking out the trash the last couple of times, and this time, christine just fucking leaves the trash in the living room, and today she took it outside and left it at the front of the door. fucking hoe… master of the godamn subtle murder.

yay, i hate life!
threw you the obvious, and you flew with it on your back:
a name in your recollection, down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over.
when i look right through to see you naked but oblivious.
and you don’t see me.
but i threw you the obvious, just to see if there’s more behind the
eyes of a fallen angel: eyes of a tragedy.
here i am, expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded.
but i see, see through it all,
see through, see you.
well, oh well.
apparently nothing.
apparently nothing at all.
A PERFECT CIRCLE – THREE LIBRAS.—

decembre 5th, 2003 (hoobahoo!)

i’m listening to… hOobastank’s new album “the reason” [alternative] and the movielife’s “forty hour train back to penn” album [pop-punk], the get up kid’s album “on a wire” [emo].
i’m feeling… like wasting time, so here comes this stupid crap.

stolen from dear claire.

YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question: What is your name? vivian
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? probably not, because then i’d probably be gay, which there’s nothing wrong with, but it’s more things than i’d need to deal with.
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? no, that’s retarded.
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? (claire said she might switch names with me! yay!)… hmm probably some girl named lakisha!
(5) What’s the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? hua –> hOo-ah! it’s hwa you buttholes.
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? no, because “vivian” would sound um, retarded.

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? no, i don’t think so.
(8) Do you think God has a gender? i don’t know / care.
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? maybe not always, but i don’t really know / care.
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? i think it can be a good thing and a bad thing… it definitely makes some people better people, whereas it makes no impact on other people, and just makes the rest of the people THINK they’re better people when in fact they are worse people.
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? into the ground? heh.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? lol, no… … … who would?

HUMOR
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh? depends who it is, or what kind of humor, but generally, yes.
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? hmmm… phil [n], sherry, lewis, and probably a lot more people i can’t remember… a lot of people make me laugh.
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn’t? yeah.
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn’t? not too often.
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? halitosis… lol. zimboc. stuff.
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you’ve ever said or written? heh…!?

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody’s watching? yeah… hahaha… but only to hip-hop / r&b / pop O__o… i think. oh, drum’n'bass and trance sometimes too lol… wow, sad.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? oh man, i used to have a list, but it slips from my mind now…
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? korean songs… japanese songs… french songs… everything, dammit.
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? it’s always different, but right now, a lot of death cab for cutie.
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? uhm… :/ woe is me songs. HAH.
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? “the closest thing” by the juliana theory.
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? “the closest thing” by the juliana theory or “echo” by incubus!!! mothafucka! take notes!

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? i don’t actually think there are any… most of the movies i like people generally like. well, “pi” for one, i guess… but i only like that one because the director is genius. and “white oleander”, but that’s just because no one has seen it.
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? usually, but there are some where the sequels are better… the ones that i can think of @ the moment are “x2″, “scary movie 2″, and uh… yeah, that’s it.
(28) Who’s your favorite Star Wars character? bobafett all the fukkin way.
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? old school badass action movies like “the rock”… and movies that are trippy, like “fight club”… but perhaps the rarer those are, the better they are, because otherwise they get too cliche.
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? really really really stupid humor… for example: i don’t like chris farley movies. :/

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? both… heh… i try to balance it out.
(32) What’s your favorite kind of cheese? monterey jack, mozarella.
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? … nothing? does it reveal anything? iono?
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? i do… some things are nasty, but what the hell, i still eat it. ^^
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? no, but i feel disgusted eating eggs sometimes… why eggs and nothing else, i dunno.

COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? pc @ home and mac @ work… both have their dis/advantages.
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? i care…
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? actually, i kind of think IM is the bane of all existence, because i miss talking on the phone sometimes.
(39) Do you find you’re different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? on the telephone i’m around the same, but face-to-face i’m uber different.
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? yeah this one camera i got sux0red because i have shaky hands and that is just a no-no with that camera.

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? i have before.
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? they’re generally more laid-back and less emotional… and less dramatical.
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? sometimes way too competitive… generally more conceited.
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? why they like certain girls… but everyone is different i guess, but… i dunno… just doesn’t make sense sometimes.

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? umm… well i tend to watch movies any of my favorite actors / actresses are in, regardless of whether they’re good-looking or not, but a lot of my favorite actors are good-looking!?
(46) What celebrity’s autograph do you want most? brandon boyd.
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? yeah… this one time i went to taiwan, these girls thought i was this actress that was in a movie with jackie chan, and they started like fondling my hair and saying how cute i was and stuff… it was kind of scary.
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? there aren’t that many uh, asian actresses that i know of, but i like that chick in white oleander / that recent movie with nicholas cage that i forgot the name of. HELP, ANYONE?!
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can’t remember why? lol… uh. i dooon’t knooow. but it probably WOULD annoy me.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity’s mind like in “Being John Malkovich”, whose would you enter? marilyn manson’s… yeah, i think that’s my final answer.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? hmm, he’s rich and famous… sure, why not?

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? no, more like roll my eyes. that is soooo middle school (not even exaggerating, really).
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no ma’am.
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? yeah.
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? the first 6 numbers.
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? yes, you douchebag.
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? i do, actually.
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? eh, not really.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers? i don’t even know what irrational numbers are… and i hate math, so… no, it doesn’t hurt, but i’d rather not think about it.
(60) What do you think of pi? all i know is 3.14, and why do i even need to know that?! i have no idea!

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? yes, i was shaking in my socks.
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? hot and bothered… er, no, just bothered. and then i’d feel mean for saying no thx homie g.
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in “blind”? getting to know.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? ummm yeah.
(65) Have you ever wished it was more “socially acceptable” for a girl to ask a guy out? umm… yes and no, because even if it were more socially acceptable, i probably wouldn’t change .
(66) What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? if it works for some people, sure, go for it and shit, but i think girls generally get more emotionally attached than guys, and then it ends up being a problem.
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? no =( but i don’t really think that many people are unattractive… they may not be ATTRACTIVE, but unlikely to be unattractive.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? some.
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? yes.
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? dun dun dun… the world may never know.

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? my music.
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? a boyfriend? haha.
(73) How badly do you want it? decently bad.
(74) Have you ever seen ‘The Exorcist’? i haven’t actually.
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? lol… i didn’t notice until this question came up, but CLEVER! CLEVER INDEED!

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? yes… haha. like – during thanksgiving break was already too early.
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? when i hit 21.
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? bunny costume when i was little… my mommy made it! gangsta gangsta!
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? a “baby”… which equaled pajamas because i was too lazy to get a real costume but i wanted candy.
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? … i don’t know. certainly not thanksgiving or christmas!
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? end of summer holiday… woot. national vivian loving day?!

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory? it was really bad, but it’s getting better since i stopped doing drugs.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? it’s pretty good… for the most part.
(84) What is your earliest memory? living in taiwan with my grandma and dad and eating yummy noodles everyday and having my dad bring me back my favorite candy every day after work heh. oOh and a talking maya bird that spoke chinese.
(85) What is your happiest memory (other than recieving this survey)? christmas with uber family around…
(86) What is your strangest memory? the first time i dropped e… aka, i don’t remember a thing except for bits and pieces here and there and what people tell me.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? see, i don’t know why people would memorize movies… josh and fil’s cousin memorized the entire script of lord of the rings… i mean, good god, use your brain for something better. but w/e… i can remember most of the song lyrics i want to remember.

TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? i haven’t seen this movie in a long time, but for some reason, “anastasia” used to make me cry. i don’t even think it’s sad!! so i dunno wtf is going on there. hmm… what else… “my sassy girl” has…
(89) What book makes/made you cry? i don’t think that has happened.
(90) What song makes/made you cry? i think only one song has ever done that… “pet” by coco lee. oh shit, no, and “miss you” by westlife.
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? i don’t think that has happened.

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? good god no… one miserable life is enough! actually, yes, i would, because then she wouldn’t have to go thru any of the shit i’ve been thru, and maybe she’d be more normal. or maybe not. okay, i change my mind, no, no cloning of me.
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? actually, yes. yes, i do.
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? yes i will.

THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? no, i like doing these things, because i enjoy wasting time.
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? could have been more interesting, fo sho.
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? no.
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? random shit.
(99) How would you have answered it? beautifully, just like all the rest.

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? it’s been a while. i don’t know. i rarely ever say the word love. not that i don’t mean it, but i just don’t like saying it at all.
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? i <3 you… and i’m pretty sure i do <3 everyone that reads my journal… unless there are some random fauks who read it who i don’t know of who i don’t <3 =)

anyway, i don’t even care what i end up doing tonight, because it’s time to study. BAH. gonna get ownt. :/

—

december 4th, 2003 (epiphanies)

i’m listening to… “we’re not making love no more” by dru hill [r&b], “april showers” by dru hill [r&b], “if it makes you happy” by sheryl crow [alternative].
i’m feeling… ok.

6:02 pm — i always get these random epiphanies, and then i think of all these ways to do things better, but it never lasts for long.

epiphany time. i just called my grandpa on the way back from work (he lives in new jersey), because hell, i dont’ know… and i feel hella bad for him… my grandma is so sick… she just lies in bed all day… can’t poop, can’t wash, can’t even talk… :/ she still recognizes people and can kind of mumble stuff, and can nod her head and smile, i guess. it’s sad. i’m really glad we went to go see them last thanksgiving… and even though that was so fucking long ago, there’s not that much opportunity / money to go out there, and it’s scary because i’ve never had anyone i personally knew die and i don’t even know how i would react… it’s such an intangible idea but then it really is getting more and more tangible… and that’s fucking scary, and sad as hell. but yeah… grandma probably won’t last long, and grandpa works so hard to take care of her, and it just fucking sucks… :/ everything is just so fleeting!

which leads me to my next tangent… sherry was telling me today how i should figure out what i want and work to get it, because carpe diem, and all that fucking shit. and i agree, but it’s so hard and seems so godamn impractical… but you never know what might happen and you’d never know unless you tried… and there’s nothing worse than regret… right? so they say. :/ i guess i have been wanting and hoping so hard to make a dent anywhere, but perhaps one needs to take more risks to do such a thing… so epiphany of epiphanies, yet another need to change. meh.

and i am officially one broke biatch, because i have $2.37 in my bank account. wow, sad! i thought tomorrow was pay-day and i was all thrilled, but no, pay-day is the 10th… = death.

school is so fucking unimportant to me. derek transferred from uw to seattle art institute, and the more i think about it, the more i do want to go to art school myself. i have no idea why i am a fucking soc major… i should really try to be an art major, but my parents want me to graduate in 4 and uw art courses are just about impossible to get into… no joke. and competitive. what the hell is a girl to do? should i graduate and then go to art school?! should i just transfer?! i’m confused. what the hell would i end up doing with a soc major? do i even need to be an art major? cause i have experience! oOoh, rhetorical questions galore. BAH. getting so much closer to graduation, and THAT FUCKING SUCKS. :X

so of course my TA’s wouldn’t let me make up my biological anthro quiz, so now i need to fucking OWN the test… yeah fucking right. science kicks my godamn ass.

although esterday me and alex went on our environmental science 101 field trip to the imax theatre downtown to watch a 40-minute film on volcanoes… it was surprisingly very very interesting O__o;;

woot, my birthday is soon. ^^

—

december 2nd, 2003 (l-o-v-e, g-l-o-v-e)

i’m listening to… “away from the sun” by three doors down [alternative], “at your funeral” by saves the day [alternative], “disposition” by tool [metal].
i’m feeling… like… alright!

12:37 am — just came back from the vagrant tour show with anthony and we met up with ze 2 bretts and trask there… opening band was locomotive? or were they called no motive? anyway, i have all idea… all i know is that they were alright… they had one really good song called “independence day” but no one really wanted to listen to them anyway, and they didn’t get much respect heh. so off they go.

next was from autumn to ashes… i thought they were really good instrumentally and their first song was really really good… but then after that it just went downhill… and the lead singer screamed too much… but it was cool because their drummer sang too heh… that was neato speedo. =) the drummer also sang a full song when someone else played the drums for him but uh, i think h e was uberly high on drugs. yeah… not too great… they just need a new singer. -__- but they seemed to have a lot of fans, so eh.

and then reggie and the full effect… definitely the best act… quite funny indeed! they came out with hoaky santa costumes… and then did some songs… a lot of which i didn’t actually know :/ i wish they had played “from me 2 u” but w/e ~ and then we thought their set was over but then they came back on stage and performed “gloves” in like really tight gayish clothing… one was supposed to be prince and was dancing flamboyantly… and it was great ^^ but yeah i don’t think anyone knew reggie at first but then after they started performing everyone liked them a lot better and they actually got a lot of support when alkaline trio mentioned them later on.

alkaline trio was last and they were really good for like… the first four songs… and then i got really bored, and tired, and bored, and bored some more. and they didn’t play “blue carolina” cause they suck. -__- and no one crowd-surfed really til the last alkaline trio song and then it was just crazy… but no one fell (for once) and everyone got hella far… it was weird.

twas an okay show… really cool because the crowd was older than USUAL and it was generally happier, i think… lol cept when we moved up front for reggie trask was jumping around and this girl just kept trying to push him up as hard as she could… for like half of a whole song… and it was just the funniest thing haha i was laughing for like five minutes… so funneh. ^^

missed my quiz today cause i stayed up til 5 last night half-studying it and half-doing-other-stuffing-it… what an idgit. gonna try to make it up… hopefully the other TA lets me =(

allister is finally coming again on december 13th… with homegrown… but i’ll probably miss them again BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES THEM… GODAMMIT… this is like the third time lol. -__-

(anthony’s response:)
That show was OKAY. Reggie saved the day from being really unlikable. I cant wait to see Get Up Kids in March! You have to go with me! Well, I know you’ll go, so why do I even bother saying that. =) Let’s go see Vendetta Red, they are cool. =) Alright, hope you’re test/quiz situation goes well. I’ll see you later bub.

(allen’s response:)
Wow, this reply thing is psychodelic. I feel like I’m writing on MS Word 1 for Windows 3.1. Reggie is really good. I like I like. And you listen to too much other music that I have no idear, my dear.

november 2003

november 29th, 2003 (drive in’s > you)

i’m listening to… “breathing” by yellowcard [pop-punk], “a bigger mood” by american hi-fi [pop-punk], “white flag” by dido [trip-hop, or something], “get along” by morcheeba [trip-hop], “i want to hear you sad” by the early november [emo], “safe and sound” by sheryl crow [alternative].
i’m feeling… alright.

2:30 am — hehe, so full… just came back and ate salad, clam chowder, milk duds, and crackers. YAY… home = uberfatness… but who gives a rat’s ass yay!

quite the interesting day today… INTERESTING INDEEED. oh fuck, now that i think about it, i left crap in the car. must go get later. no sleep for me tonight anyways, since i’m still awake and i haven’t packed yet and i have to leave for me aeroplano @ 5:30 am T__T”

rawr. contacts paining eyeballs. anyways, during the day i went with jennie and my brother to hayward and we were gonna go eat sushi but all the sushi places were closed (cause it was like 3 pm and they didn’t open til 5)… so we just stopped by togo’s and ate sandwiches there but they were all NASTY AS FUCK… and we went to the dollar store and the nearby fabric store for like couple hours almost haha… it was great fun!! got cool stuff from the dollar store… I LOVE THE DOLLAR STORE!! =) i need to get paid omg… broke as a joke w0rd!

anyways. @ night me and sherry went on a date to the drive-in movie theatre… rawr! i think it was all couples there but us… -__-” such a weird place for two girls to be, but it was SO EXCITING… freaking… okay, we met up @ wal-mart @ 9:00 and bought some shit… then drove down there, only the motherfucking directions on yahoomaps told us to make a left when we came off the highway when we really had to make a right… so we missed the beginning of “school of rock” and decided to watch “radio” since it just started… and now i’m wondering, ‘WHY THE FUCK DID I EVER WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE?!’ it was horrendous. i knew it was going to be a feel-good-type movie because that’s how the previews were and that’s how the reviews were, but omfg, so cheezy as hell! and it’s based off a true story which makes me wonder how cheezy it was in real life! it was seriously painful to sit through, and for some reason all the screens were hella bright except for that screen (there were six screens), so like… cuba gooding jr. blended into the black sky and shit… and we couldn’t make out any features on anyone… there was one football player in the movie that me and sherry decided arbitrarily was cute but we could not even be sure because it was so blurry and dark. -__-” anyway, after our movie ended the other screens started showing movies, so me and sherry could barely decide what movie to watch… there was “cat in the hat”, “the haunted mansion”, “timeline”, and “bad santa”… so we ended up watching “the haunted mansion” because it was right next to us… it was alright… better than “radio”, but any number of those movies would have been better. -__-” i was hoping they’d show something better, but nOo… it was cool though because it only cost $6.25 per person and you could technically just stay there as long as you wanted and watch all of those movies. the sound came from FM radio stations… they tell you the station when you first enter but if you really wanted to you could search around and get all the other stations for the other movies too. EXCITING I TELL YOU! EXCITING!! EXCITING!! i’m going to make everyone go next time, and we’re just going to SIT THERE… ALL DAY… WATCHING MOVIES! it’ll be fucking great. ^__^ X__x see, it doesn’t even matter that all the movies we watched sucked ass… TWAS STILL EXCITING X__x

i’m never going to shutup because i keep thinking of things to write.

chinese families really do show their love through FOOD man… lol… caucasian families are all like touchy lovey-dovey and stuff, but no, my parents just keep feeding me. heh. and then make fun of me when i’m fat. XP go figure.

and also… I FEAR 2004 ELECTIONS! kind of early, but i really do think there is a good chance of bush being re-elected because people are just THAT stupid. i mean, just when you think people can’t get any dumber, they do (also, like in the movie “radio”… just when you think it can’t get any cheezier, it DOES). there is quite a chance! quite a chance indeeeeeeeeed. X__x” >( >( stupid states that need to be annexed. XP the people who are more accepting of bush are generally less educated and more religious… BoOo… i want to move to europe. seriously. i would love to live in england… i’m not entirely sure about every other place because i haven’t been anywhere else in europe in a while, but i’m sure it’s all better than the u.s., shiznack! WHO’S WITH ME!? X__x

ah but yes, thinking of politics just reminds me how LUCKY i am to have my job. SERIOUSLY. i work with like… a couple of 50+ year olds, and some late 20′s / early 30′s people… and they’re all sOoOo awesome… they’re all like UBER liberal and stuff, even though they don’t really look like it at all… it’s so cool… that’s probably WHY i can get away with getting $10 an hour for chatting on AIM with pink hair and eyebrow piercings and black nails… and deciding when i want to go home and when i want to come in without them hassling me… seriously, it’s the most awesome job i could ask for… =P and i must say that walking 2 mi everyday – although it sucks – isn’t so bad nowadays. dude, when a 50+ year old lady is telling me how she likes my pink hair and other older folk are telling me i should dye it purple… that’s MONEY. i should be more content than i am. ^^ in general. TWORK IT OUT. i want to listen to some usher. -__-’ too bad it is nowhere to be found.

—

november 28th, 2003 (broke as a joke)

i’m listening to… “bigger than my body” by john mayer [rock].
i’m feeling… -___-”

1:18 am — boring… a bunch of people came over and we just played texas hold-em since like… 9 pm… bleh… too much… X__x” buy-in was $20 but i only put in $10 and i was up $13 for a while but eh just ended up getting back to even… which is good enough for me. they’re still gambling it out but i’m too bored to continue. -__-” my dad lost like sixty bucks… mostly to my brother, who’s up ninety… wtf. -__-” i wish i had that monies. i’m broke as a joke.

speaking of broke as a joke, went shopping with xinlei and sherry this morning and met up with jeanette and tin-win part the time… got new earrings from the icing and a t-shirt from nordstrom’s… free! i like free. ^__^ X__x life sux0r buttz0r. been eating so much food at home, bah, soon it will be time to return to half-vegetarianism back @ skoolio. >__< sigh. kill me now.
eyes are feeling heavy
but they never seem to close.
and even though you’re next to me,
i still feel so alone.
i just can’t give you anything
for you to call your own.
and i can hear you breathing;
it’s keeping me awake.
could you stop my heart?
it’s always beating…
sinking like a wave.
YELLOWCARD – BREATHING.—

noevmber 26th, 2003 (happy holiday unworthy of celebration)

i’m listening to… “tiny vessels” by death cab for cutie [emo], “the new year” by death cab for cutie [emo], “okay” by swirl 360 [alternative], “i miss you” by blink 182 [pop-punk]… give me a break, i only loaded a handful of mp3′s onto this computer and i’m already sick of them all X__x’ and my parents won’t let us use kazaa because they’re skerd.
i’m feeling… okay.

12:46 am — just watched “elf”… the new will ferrell movie O__x he is good as a big kid. it was funny… a lot funnier than i thought it would be, but not as funny as other people said it was. kind of a bit too early for christmas, though, but in a ways i suppose it’s not that far off X__x”

thanksgiving, aka turkey death day and holiday that should not even be celebrated, today! yey! we love the killin of some injuns. -__-” -__-” we had the oddest thanksgiving… jini, andy, and maryanne came over, and our parents ordered some turkey and fried rice (which was really freaking gross)… from a chinese restaurant… and some yams, and stuffing, and crap. like that. w0rd. we don’t normally eat turkey… we normally eat ham, but it was good D: and then we played some texas hold-em, and top two losers (in this case, jini and andy), were supposed to go meet allen @ 2:30 because he is going to sleep out in front of best buy for sales tomorrow… WHY?! no one really knows… i mean, sales, good, yay, but that’s a little too hardcore. might as well dress up as chewbacca, shiet… it’s cold as fauk too! X__x anyway, losers were supposed to “bump into him” @ best buy @ 2:30 and bring him coffee and crap… HEH… HAH! -__- well whatever… shopping tomorrow with some homegirls and my MOM… which means, hopefully she can buy me stuff, because i’m BROKE AS A JOKE, homie g.

eww sluts are gross T__T :/ i know there is a societal double-standard for the whole sex thing (and that’s bad)… how guys are allowed to have a lot of sex with different people and it’s somewhat okay but when girls have a lot of sex with different people it’s automatically that she is a huge slutball… but i can’t help it; it really does bother me a lot more when girls have a lot more sex… perhaps because guys are generally hornier and talk about sex a lot more than girls so i think it’s more uh! normal. or something. i know that’s not a morally-sound judgment to make, but i can’t help it!! who knows. it’s a mystery. i wish i brought home my guitar… i have so much time on my hands during the day @ home… and i bet i could learn something. i need to get my mothafuckin computer out of my ROOM in washington… because it is such a huge godamn distraction… sometimes i really do wish i had a laptop instead. -__-” i would be 40,000x more productive if i didn’t have a computer in my room… no joke.

i just finished re-reading this book called “norweigan wood” by haruki murakami… first time i read it i must not really have been paying attention, because i didn’t remember a godamned thing. anyway, some parallels with my own life… very odd… very odd indeed.

death cab for cutie has some of the most amazing songs… and possibly some on the other end of the spectrum as well, but that is of little importance. the lyrics, the lyrics, the lyrics. oOh ah…! good shit.
i spent two weeks in silverlake -
the california sun cascading down my face.
there was a girl with light brown streaks,
and she was beautiful, but she didn’t mean a thing to me.
i wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
as we moved together in the dark
and all the friends that i was telling
and all the playful misspellings
and every bite i gave you left a mark.
tiny vessels oozed into your neck
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn’t want to fade,
but they did, and so did i that day.
all i see are dark grey clouds in the distance moving closer every hour.
so when you ask, “was something wrong?”
“you’re damn right there is,
but we can’t talk about it now.
no, we can’t talk about it now.”
so, one last touch and then you’ll go,
and we’ll pretend that it meant something so much more.
but it was vile, and it was cheap,
and you are beautiful, but you don’t mean a thing to me.
DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – TINY VESSELS.—

november 25th, 2003 (rawr!)

i’m listening to… “lightness” by death cab for cutie [emo], “i miss you” by blink-182 [pop-punk].
i’m feeling… okay!

7:51 pm — god this song is so good haha D:

soooooo yesterday i went to work, ladida… actually it was cool because i was supposed to hurry and finish this issue of the magazine before thanksgiving break, but “i didn’t have enough time” so they didn’t rush me to finish it… AND we had like an hour of gOofing off to celebrate one of the ladies’ birthdays ^__^ we had like english-styled tea party… teehee! good deal!

@ night me and trask went to watch “kill bill”… the first third of the movie i thought was just AMAZING… one of the funniest things i’ve seen in a long time, and really good because the humor was so subtle and it was just funny because of how absurd things seemed to be… and how the humorous things were not blatant, but in the small details (ie… these 1337 stealthy assasins with gigantic cell phones the size of their heads, which i thought was hilarious, but i was the only one laughing… but then again, the theatre only had like eight people in it… ooh and this badass cartoon yakuza member with like this 1337 samurai sword and all these rings but the last ring he wore was a skull ring with a giant heart on its forehead HAHA). bleh. and then they started fighting. and then i started crying T__T okay, lies, but the middle fighting part was way too long, and boring, and got old fast, and i thought the movie was EH after it ended but the more i think about it, the better it is, because it’s intentionally supposed to be cheeztacular and sorta spOofy, so… in that sense, it’s genius. D:

so i just got back to cali a couple hours ago… SO RELAXING YAYYYYYY… even though omfg, it took two hours to get home from OAKLAND because of the godamn traffic. CRAZY. -__-” haha my dad hates my hair… he’s like, “blonde would be okay, but pink!?” my mom thinks it’s okay though… whatever, it’s better than an eyebrow piercing, right?? and my brother has like 4 tattOos so like, so what? and we had CRAB for DINNER yay… it’s been so long yay!!! X__x’ gonna go see the girlios later for some typical boba and pooling… oh, nothing ever changes here in the bay D:

necesitamos ir a snowboarding, bastardos!!!

jeanette‘s away msg: “my friend viv is cool. she has pink hair, likes to sorta party, but not to meet new people. ” how true…! sorta.

—

november 24th, 2003 (x__X)

i’m listening to… MORCHEEBA MORCHEEBA MORCHEEBA [trip-hop]… sOoOo money!!!
i’m feeling… X__x

3:25 am — people are highly bothersome today. ^__^

today me and eva went to uwaji’s and costco and crap, and bought all sorts of useless but good stuff. man, where does the monies go D:

then andrew came over because he wants me to go to the lambda thanksgiving dinner on tuesday but i don’t think i’ll be able to make it, sOo i told him i’d bake a pie with him, and so we did, cept we bought too much of everything and now –> 3 pumpkin pies… which is too much, because pumpkin pies are fucking disgusting. but yeah… i don’t eat that crap, so i invited a bunch of monkeys over, and they finished off the pie… THANKS GOD… ^__^ i am pleaseeeeeed. seriously, cooking is so fun haha.

so i’ve figured it out after a conversation with eva today… I WANT A COMBINATION OF THE TWO! w0rd.

—

november 23rd, 2003 (inconceivable!)

i’m listening to… “a goodnight’s sleep” by the starting line [pop-punk], “bonethrower” by the revolution smile [metal], “bc anthem” by brodie [pop-punk], “with or without you” by u2 [rock].
i’m feeling… X__x

4:03 am — too much stuff to do, too little time. work is killing me :X

today i woke up @ like 3 and lewis came over and we played guitar and sang for a while… fun times… singing is the shiznit and a half… although god, singing to jay zhou is sooo hard because i can’t read chinese as fast as he says it :/ requires some amount of practice >__<

and then we went to qfc with eva, hsu-ken, alex and gareth and bought some shit for dinner… but then those bitches ditched us, so me and hsu-ken tried making soupy noodle chinese-style shit and it wasn’t that good… just kind of plain… but it wasn’t GROSS… so good deal :/ edible is good >__< just kind of plain T__T ohhh yes and watched “the princess bride”… that movie fucking rocks… forever! i love it, i love it, i love it, i love it. but you know what i really want to watch, godammit?! “radio”… dammit!

inconceivable! … i need to read the book. jyes!

so i got like a 3.0 on my sociology midterm and a 3.5 on my ess… somewhat satisfied, but not enough. XP

oh so like the other day i was doing my sociology lab and there was t his couple in there and they just boggled my mind, because the guy was doing all the work for the girl (who seemingly didn’t know anything)… and the thing is that i see them in class everyday and he doesn’t even pay attention… the whole time he just stares at her. seriously, it bugs the crap out of me and i want to throw pencils at them because it just looks… wrong. i mean, 40 minutes, and he doesn’t even look at the teacher at ALL; he just stares at her! wtf! so weird X: i’d say it’s perhaps that i’m jealous, but i don’t know… that’s just creepy.

my sewing machine is here and i don’t even have time to pick it up!! today i went @ 4 -> office closed. monday and tuesday, i school @ 8:30 and then work til 6/7 –> office closed. wednesday –> home to cali. AAAAGH. kill me. or just give me a ride to the airport D:

—

november 22nd, 2003 (jap ppl = fukt up)

i’m listening to… the starting line’s “say it like you mean it” album [pop-punk].
i’m feeling… X__x

1:13 am — omifreaking god, i just watched probably the most retarded movie i’ve ever seen in my life… twas a japanese movie called “suicide club”… OMFG SO BAD… didn’t make sense at all… there was only one part that was semi-promising, and i thought it was the ending, and i was satisfied, but then it turned out to be the middle of the movie… and then from there it was EVEN MORE SHITTY… good god!!! japanese people are fukt up dude. fucking chol and jennie… why the hell would you rent a movie like that X__x

i want to shrOom and watch “cat in the hat”, seriously… too bad i have a $70-no-drugs bet and therefore i cannot… DAMMIT… ARGGGH.

god, i love lyrics… :/ it’s like my two most important things… writing + music = insta-love.
for lack of better words to say,
all i said was goodnight.
once again in self-defense,
i won’t sleep a wink to prevent dreaming of you.
you can sleep in your own bed tonight.
sleep away a summer’s pain,
screaming out my name.
you can sleep in your own bed tonight…
i hope for your sake
that you don’t wake up
as broken as i am.
THE STARTING LINE – A GOODNIGHT’S SLEEP.
(repeated lyric, but oh well!!!) btw, new offspring cd was out today… must listen since g was nice enough to send it to me ^__^

—

 november 23rd, 2003 (fuck is a beautiful word)

i’m listening to… “retrovertigo” by mr. bungle [?! rock?!], “long days, long nights” by mest [pop-punk].
i’m feeling… X__x

12:09 am — my roommate’s are fucking hoebags… they had this fucking cookie sheet that didn’t even have any shit on it that neither me NOR eva used … and they left a fucking post-it note on it saying “wash me”… and it was there for some fucking days, and we didn’t touch it because it isn’t our shit, and then one of them moved that fucking shit to the sink with the post-it still on it… and eva ended up washing it because i don’t really know why… fucking hoes… wash your own fucking shit and don’t bitch at us when we don’t wash ours right away wtf. i hate these kind of girls AAAGH. if you’re going to be bitchy, just be a fucking bitch. don’t try to be all nice and sugarcoat it and be subtle bitch of the fucking year. fucking hoes.

so yeah i made a new co-worker friend and yay, new snowboarding buddy! ^__^

have to go buy concert tickets for alkaline trio and reggie and the full effect and blehhhh !!!

dude so me, arlen, matt, and andy went to new china express tonight for dinner… and guess what my fortune cookie’s fortune was?! “it would be wise to cut your expectations in half.” wtf! i thought those things were supposed to be happy. whatever, though, i’m going to take its advice :X as it were so simple. CONSIDER MY EXPECTATIONS CUT IN HALF!!
if i could be anything at all,
i’d be an angel – spread my wings and fly away.
but i’m stuck here on the ground,
so i’ll see you around;
you’ll hear me piss and moan and complain.
long days, long nights,
the feeling’s just not right.
i pick up a pen and pad and i start to write,
thinking about our last fight;
it was a cold and rainy night.
i coulda guessed the day would come
that you would consider me scum.
the day is here;
all the signs were there.
and i always prayed that you would stay,
but instead you walked away. the feeling’s gone;
the pain dwells on.
MEST – LONG DAYS, LONG NIGHTS.(nate’s response:)
Do you need your friendly resident CA to come down and kick some ass?

(my response:)
omfg please do, and feel free to steal her QUESADILLA MAKER and HARD-BOILED EGG MAKER… i mean, WTF!

november 2003

 november 19th, 2003 (how to fix?!)

i’m listening to… “stay the night” by imx [r&b], “change” by baby vox [korean], “pyramid song” by radiohead [rock].
i’m feeling… -__-;;

11:41 pm — rawr.

i’m skered.

so yeah… i have a lot of stuff on my mind. i’ve come to conclude that one of the sexiest things about people is confidence… not over-bearing confidence, because that is bad news… but some degree of confidence where you can do the things you want and get the things you want is quite important :/ and i want that…!! need to work on it. i used to have some amount of confidence in myself and my abilities, but through the years… i don’t really know… it disappeared somehow… and now i am just this fidgety, weird-ass, always-nervous weirdass. oh, i already said weirdass. :/ it’s weird, because no matter how comfortable i am with people and how comfortable i am telling them shit and whatever, i still am all fidgety and nervous… and i guess a lot of the stuff i do makes people think that i’m not interested in what they’re saying when that may not likely be the case. :\ needs fixing. how to fix?! needs fixing. i hate my life.

you so skandalouz.

(eva’s response:)
Hey roomie V, i noticed your journal entries changed a lot lately, it’s really reflective. =) mm, k, back to hot indian men!

—

november 18th, 2003 (bruised & broken)

i’m listening to… “hi-fi killer” by american hi-fi [pop-punk], “fucking in the bushes” by oasis [elektronic-rock?!], “punk” by ferry corsten (icey rmx) [breaks]… omfg, i forgot how good of a song ” punk” was X__x”’ tis the song i got my cs name from, yep indeedy X__x”’
i’m feeling… mmm i dont’ know.

link of the day — http://www.gaypimp.com/media/video/soccer_practice/ soccer_practice_300.wmv ~ oh my god. lol… lol.

11:49 pm — seriously, dude… it’s quite the phenomenon… i get more bruises and cuts everyday and existing ones get bigger and shit… WTF IS WRONG WITH ME X__x”’ i think i’m beating myself up in my sleep or something X__x”’ FIGHT-CLUB STYLE!!! ^__^

soooo busy these days… just now was the first time i’ve studied in like two weeks bleh!!! have been working everyday and NOT going to class because i am a deadbeat and i keep accidentally ( ‘accidentally’) sleeping through classes… mer.

yay josh and chol picked me up from work today AND fed me good fooooood… w00t. >__< and man, i’m sorry, but “tony hawk underground” is a retarded game.

shit to do:
- STUDY GODAMMIT.
- GO TO CLASS GODAMMIT.
- write back letters to jeanette, xinlei, dahye, and diana.
- turn in time sheet and get PAID.
- christmas presents / cards. X__x”’
- do singing / guitar thing with lewis for “duvet” by boa and “tornado” by jay zhou!
- play tennis!!!
- mail e-bay packages X__x”’ and track down e-bay whores who haven’t paid me my money!!!
- finish this month’s o2 magazine X__x”’
- get my mind back.
… and stuff!!!

my brother is moving to seattle…
… … … … … is all i have to say.

kill me now.

—

november 17th, 2003 (soco amaretto lime)

i’m listening to… “i dream” by tilt [trance], “glow” by alien ant farm [alternative], “into the sun” by lock [trance], “for you i will” by monica [r&b].
i’m feeling… k k k.

12:05 am — omfg, seriously, you need to listen to “glow” by alien ant farm… i have no idea if it’s really a good song or what, but i just find it soooo catchy… bouncy, happy, stuff!!! i’ve listened to it at least 15 times today ><

so i went to work today for the first time in a while… accidentally slept through all my classes though… oOpS… :/ >__< went to brand new concert @ night time with jessica, anthony, adam, and kevin… and saw a bunch of other fOols there… i’m freaking happy cause they played “the no seatbelt song” and “soco amaretto lime”… both of which i didn’t think they would play. unfortunately, i’m too old for these concerts and moshing and crap now, and it sucks. -__-” there were three openers… hot rod circuit (who were okay), eisly (who had two girls for lead vocals… their music was terrific, but too sleep-inducing… and the vocals were a little too screechy), and the first band was a local band called acceptance (they were actually pretty damn good… probably my favorite of all the opening bands). but damn, brand new is such a good band to see live… they actually give good breaks from moshing and build-ups and stuff… w0rd. whatever. kill me.

and man, the front and center of the crowd = death. i seriously thought i was going to break something. and now i have like a 6 inch long gash on my neck from my necklace WOOT decapitation. -__- and a four inch long gash on my arm which appeared out of nowhere… ehhh.

haha oh yeah and i brought my disposable camera to use up my film and i ended up wasting it all in the alley because they said we weren’t allowed to bring cameras in… AND THEN THEY ENDED UP NOT CHECKING!! fucking hoes.

sign up for this please… whoever’s group gets the most people to sign up for it get to split the monies… ^__^ our group is in 16th place right now. ah yes, the test for who are bigger internet geeks >__<

wow and eva bought a $350 acoustic guitar… tis niiiice.

hmmm yeah. and these past couple of days have been UH interesting. on sat hsu-ken took me to alderwood in exchange for ice cream, lol. good trade if you ask me… then there was a parti @ brett [pwn]‘s neato six-bedroom house… yes, and it equaled much drunkeness… no need to elaborate here…!!!! X_x” and jinnie‘s shoes owned my feet hardcore… bleh.
so it’s sad this doesn’t suit you now;
and me fresh out of rope…
please ignore the lisp;
i never meant to sound like this.
so take me and break me,
and make me strong like you.
i’ll be forever grateful to
this and you.
fix me to a chain around your neck;
wear me like a nickel.
even new wine served in old skins
will cheapen the taste.
i shot the pilot;
i’m begging you to fly this for me.
i’m here for you to use,
broken and bruised…
do you understand?
it’s only you – beautiful…
or i don’t want anyone else.
if i can choose, it’s only you.
BRAND NEW – THE NO SEATBELT SONG.—

november 14th, 2003 (har)

i’m listening to… “i don’t wanna kiss you goodnight” by lfo [r&b], “lips like warm coffee” by s#arp [korean r&b], and more motherfucking something corporate… i don’t know… i just can’t get enough of this sap crap lately. and by lately i mean always… eh… now it’s sr-71.
i’m feeling… alright.

11:59 am — mMm r&b is money!! money i tell you!!

heh i remember during like sophomore year of high school i wanted more guys to be my best friends, and now i think i should never have wished that. i miss having girl friends in washington, lol… guys are cool, yeah, and they’re so much more laid-back and less dramatical… but there are just some things you need girl friends for!!!!! and i think there’s almost always SOME amount of harrassment when you’re with 90% of guys, lol. you kick my dog! you try to confrOoze! i’mma make the damnest coolest christmas presents this year, you hoes. betta recognize.

anyway i applied for another web / graphic design job for some science department @ uw today… only because my current job only gives me like 30 hours a month, which is not nearly enough money

2:12 am –bought a bunch of crap at joann’s fabric / craft store today for christmas presents that im gonna make… i think this shit is going to be cool and i like the idea a lot, but i don’t really know what other people will think of it… cause it’s cheap, and dinky, but iono, i think it’ll be neat :/

—

noevmber 13th, 2003 (n00bs)

i’m listening to… something corporate’s “north” album [emoy-punk... which isn't even a genre].
i’m feeling… alright… kinda sleepy.

10:17 pm — n00btacular.

so i had to register this morning at 6 o’clock, and i pretty much didn’t finish arbitrarily picking out classes until like 3… so i decided to stay up and just register… and then stay up some more until my 9:30 class… heh. and trask had to stay up and do his polisci readings, so we decided to stay up… ah, n00bs… so he came over at like 3:30 and we watched “bruce almighty” (which is like, so funny) and “naruto”… har! and it was all good… and i registered… and i’ve changed my classes since then, but i’m pretty sure that for sure my classes are now:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
10:30	ENGL 198 T MEB 251	SOC 212 AH MLR 301	ENGL 198 T MEB 251	SOC 212 AH MLR 301	SOC 212 AH CHL 021
11:00
11:30
12:00
12:30	POL S 204 AF KNE 110	POL S 204 AF MLR 302B	POL S 204 AF KNE 110	POL S 204 AF MLR 302B	POL S 204 AF KNE 110
1:00

yeah, isn’t it gorgeous? fuck yeah, you know it is. take a class with me. if you go to uw, that is.

so yeah me and trask stayed up some more being delirious and he left at like… 8:40 cause i had to get ready for class… and he was supposed to go home and read but he ended up falling asleep and missing his class for his quiz!!!! and i ended up not going to my environmental science lab cause i was too tired, so… um! bad… so i have to make it up saturday morning. damn, we’re ” fucking n00bs”.

bah i have an environmental science paper due tomorrow too… and i just want to sleep :d

dude so we went to sakura’s for dinner tonight and that like… thirteen people or something… and we sat upstairs (wtf, sakura has an upstairs?!) and they gave us free chicken katsu and crap. good freaking deal.

so yeah!!! me and eva shalt going to go buy stuff for christmas presents tomorrow ^__^ i’m excited, provided things turn out even remotely close to how i want them to… *crossing fingers. meh yeah i think i’m going to go to sleep and wake up early to do my paper lol. sleeping @ 10:30… SWEET!!!
i’m under attack again my dear;
i’m in the way.
got no resolutions,
no clever anecdotes to say.
and still, if i yell at the top of my lungs,
will it be the same?
i’d fly you a flag;
i’d bury this pen into my veins.
i wanna feel for you tonight,
but i won’t make you.
* SOMETHING CORPORATE – I WON’T MAKE YOU *—

november 11th, 2003 (00:00)

i’m listening to… finch’s “what it is to burn” album [punky-metal... which is not even a genre].
i’m feeling… –’ okay?

11:59 pm — jeanette‘s buddy profile from a conversation we had earlier today:
“dontSQUASHthebug: im retarded
veeeeeveeeee: i know but what this time
what are best buddies for”

rgr that.

*gargle… i’ve been drinking way too much lately… i drank monday night because tuesday (today) was veteran’s day, and hence, no school. went to chol, josh, and seungbum‘s apartment… they were there and so were marcela, cynthia, grace, sam, derek, andrea, and sung and tony came by for a little while… oh, and grace and sam’s friend who i once again forgot the name of -__-”

took like 7-8 shots of this weird ass blue raspberry-mixed vodka shit… oh my fucking nasty… garg… nasty just thinking about it. and uhhh coronas with limes actually aren’t too bad. when it comes to beer that is. but it might have been because i was drunk. so yeah…
- puked like 3-4 times in a row…
- made a lot of phone calls (sorry if i phoned you and it was not to your liking, but TOO FUCKING BAD YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL! ^^)
- got harrassed by drunken josh (o… m… g…!)
- and kicked everyone’s asses in puzzlefighter and soul calibur 3 because for some reason i’m mad good @ videogames when i’m drunk…
- ate good ass korean food that grace and co made…
- made derek draw a monkey for me cause he is uber artist and transferred to seattle art institute (lucky ass)… yay…!!

so this year i really want to make something cool for everyone for christmas… it’s going to be handmade… i’m not 100% sure what i want to do yet, but i have some ideas in mind… i just don’t know if they are PLAUSIBLE.

today me, mike [cheung], dan and janine went to play tennis on uw campus… damn, i’m a lot crappier now… but oh well… it’s okay.. still fun -__-” then went out to eat dinner @ hosoonyi’s with sebastian, wingo, judy, and rotana (???)… hella freaking random… not sure why i was even invited, but whatever, that is another story.

god, finch is so good. i remember when they first came out with “what it is to burn” album i liked them hella hella hella… actually… i think they were one of the first punk / emo albums i ever bought since i am still relatively n0oby to the whole scene… anyway, and then i saw them at warped tour and the lead singer just really turned me off… but they’re still good -__-” i just can’t stand lead singers when they scream way too much … he wasn’t even singing… just screaming… wonder if that has changed. i’d still go see them, though.
she burns…
today’s on fire.
the sky is bleeding above me, and i am blistered.
i walk these lines of blasphemy every day,
and still…
like a bad star, i’m falling faster down to her.
she’s the only one who knows what it is to burn.
today is fire, and she burns.
FINCH – WHAT IT IS TO BURN. —

noevmber 9th, 2003 (bittar!)

i’m listening to… “only ashes” by something corporate [emo].
i’m feeling… sick.

1:28 pm — i find it ridiculous that once someone in the art or music or whatever world establishes a fan base, they can do whatever the fuck they want and even if it’s ridiculous, there will still be a decent amount of people who look to it in awe. actually… i’m mostly talking about the art world. but perhaps i am just bittar because i’m not there. well… no ‘perhaps’, it’s more like ‘certainly’.

6:08 pm –watching the news always depresses the fuck out of me. people are sooooo fucked up iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii think we should just all die.

so yesterday i wanted to drink – and well, i did… and now i’m never drinking wine coolers or mike’s hard lemonade or whatever bitch drinks ever again… i’m convinced something about fruit + hard alcohol = bad, because i got like rashes and shit… and i didn’t even finish one wine cooler and i felt hella freaking sick… odd. has been a while since i’ve gotten that kind of shit… but yeah… no more… only hard a from now on, lol… which is the way i like it anyway… so it’s all good.

—

november 8th, 2003 (>__<)

i’m listening to… drum’n'bass, fo shizzo nizzo.
i’m feeling… shabbeh.

10:05 pm — hmmmm. whatever.

today was an odd day… woke up, went to qfc with lewis, came home, made some milkshakes (mmm bananas), and shit, and played guitar for like three hours… learned… a little… but i am weak-sauce and i just pretty much need to practice that shit more. janno? -__-; janno? janno. it’s so fun singing along to songs when people play… damn, yo… i want to be a rockstar. rofl. but don’t we all.

bah. crushes… crushes suck! people think they’re fun and shit, but i think they suck… just get down to the nitty gritty, man.

i want to get drunk. -__-; this has been two weekends in a row of non-drinking (although i might tonight… but only like wine coolers and stuff, which is OK)… and i don’t know… seems different from the pattern of this whole school year, you know.

:/ yesterday ummm eva had a sorority family line potluck and i guess alex cooked some spaghetti for everyone (we made waaaay too much -__-;) and lewis, eric, jun, hsu-han, hsu-ken, farm, and eva’s two other sorority sis that i forgot the name of came over… i dunno it was okay… way too much food and crap. -__-; and omg, hsu-ken knows how to skateboard… that’s… weird… lol. he ollied in my room and got pretty high actually o_O and i guess he used to know how to kick-flip and stuff… just kind of weird.

—

november 7th, 2003 (move, btich, get out the way!)

i’m listening to… “in my bed (rmx)” by dru hill [r&b].
i’m feeling… okay.

12:41 am — wOot first roommate confrontation… only it wasn’t a confrontation because she wrote us a letter instead of TALKING to us. ah… the bold and direct non-directness of girls is stifling… -__-;

her note said something along the lines of, “the kitchen was THOROUGHLY cleaned last friday… please take out the trash, wash your dishes, wipe down counters, and clean up crumbs” and shit. GG, and then we went to the kitchen and GG it was either her or the other girl’s dishes in the sink. F U. -__-; and fuck you, i took out the trash the last two times. move, bitch, get out the way!

emo is sounding more and more good… the new something corporate was SO good and omg, death cab for cutie’s new album OWNS…

and triumph the insult comic dog = so funny ^__^

—

november 6th, 2003 (^__^)

i’m listening to… something corporate’s “north” album [pop-punk / emo].
i’m feeling… fantabulous.

12:43 am — my eyeballs are in pain, but other than that, hey, life is good.

hmmm what has been happening… nothing much… half-assed going to class… took a midterm yesterday and the day before and i think i did pretty damn well on both of them, so i am pleased enough to slack for the rest of the week. har har. arr!

tony came over yesterday (for the first time!) and we watched “harry potter 2: chamber of secrets” is one of the worst movies i’ve seen in a long time… it was seriously pain to sit through. -__-; and yay, we picked out clotheseseses, cause he’s gonna take pics for me, cause he is fauking good… xenologics.deviantart.com ^__^ *jealous.

and today… arlen, matt [nomura] and andy came over to have a “study-scrim” since i hate going to odegaard (SO FAR!!) ~ actually got some studying done… it was like a heirarchy… arlen got a lot done, i got some, matt and andy got little. :/ X__x; but WE ORDERED NEW CHINA YAY… so i am happy -__-; and they fixed my counterstrike microphone and i am therefore very pleased. ^__^ yay, now i can maybe die less in CS because i am trying to type where people are all the time! not that that will help with my non-skill, but that is another story ^__~ PEACE TO YO MOMMAS.

and oh yes “white flag” by dido… QUALITY MUSAK. DOWNLOAD PLZ. and i don’t even like dido!!! and fauk, the new something corporate is surprisingly good ^__~ and i don’t like them all that much either.

—

november 2nd, 2003 (x__X)

i’m listening to… “gravity gets things done” by the pale [alternative], “suburbiac” by dolour [alternative], “just friends” by musiq [r&b].
i’m feeling… like… alright!

2:09 pm — rawr. man, gross… i just ate a chicken sandwich and a mcflurry @ mcdonald’s… i feel nasty. -__-;

bleh. so like yesterday was interesting… most of it kind of blurred by, but basically i woke up… and then gareth and lewis and i went to qfc to buy some food to make quesadillas with… and they bought from fried chicken… but then the two of them went to g’s and alex ended up coming over and making quesadillas which we ate with eva and farm. yeah, i don’t really know. weird.

and then a second after alex left kha, hsu-ken, hsu-han, gareth, and lewis showed up at our door, like WTF? we knew kha was coming up from portland this weekend but he never said anything so it was kind of like a… ‘is he really coming?’ sort of deal. but they decided to eat more mexican food at “la puerta” which is on a part of the ave that i didn’t even know existed… past the tattoo / piercing place we always go to and past teriyaki 1st and past pochi’s and stuff… weird. :X i guess it was good, but whatever, i didn’t eat anything. and we also concluded alex is very predictable when it comes to girl-harrassing… lol.

:/ and bleh. blah. lalala. we went to pochi’s after that and i ownt all the boys in poker (texas holdem) again… rofl. in high-card too… lol. on one hand lewis had a flush right off the bat so he kept raising… and i had a j and a k… and i ended up getting a full house on the river (last card)… hahaha. ^__^ and he was bittar. but it was funny ^__^

then kha bought some alcohol since he was the only one over 21 (his birthday was a couple of days ago)… and we went back to g and alex’s place to drink… i didn’t drink anything though because it was all beer and well – nasty. :/ T__T; we sat around watching tv and playing games and stuff for hella days and finally everyone was convinced to go karaoke (although there was some squabble about whether or not people wanted to go and stuff T__T)… but it ended up being fun and i think everyone had fun, so i’m glad it all worked out… ohhhh how i love karaoke ^__^

ohh yes and kha ended up paying for all the karaoke… he’s so nice it was like sixty bucks!

but yeah… yesterday was an interesting experience. we learned a LOT about different people’s personalities and stuff… VERY interesting. ^__^ but most of the stuff i can’t write here buahahaha… so into my REAL journal it’s going to go ^__^

and that is all.
kissing you’s like
getting high on
someone else’s drugs.
DOLOUR – SUBURBIAC.

october 2003

october 31st, 2003 (fucking ppipiiisttt)

i’m listening to… “one slowdance” by rufio [pop-punk], “patience is a virtue” by normal like you [pop-punk], “running from me” by trustcompany [metal], “end of a century” by blur [alternative], “eye” by the smashing pumpkins [electro-alternative].
i’m feeling… fucking pist, duh.

1:34 pm — god, i’m such a freaking dumbass… i’m sooo pissed… today is the day after freak night, and fucking… ARGH so fucking pissed. i woke up this morning just mad!!! pretty much the only reason i wanted to go to freak night was to see NITSUJ… i have been waiting to see him again for a year and a half because his set is the best set i have ever heard in my freaking life… but i mistakenly thought that freak night ended @ 5 and it ended @ 4, and nitsuj and zacharia were closers. so i fucking missed their whole set. i’m sooo soooo pissed off. :/ and then another reason i’m pissed off was wtf, jeff was supposed to give me a ride home but i couldn’t get a hold of him afterwards so i had to make [baller-]steve [lee] drive me home… wtf. :/ and he doesn’t even live in u-district, and his car was full… so fucking whack. GRRR… god i’m still pissed. lol. fuck. i wanted to beat some ass afterwards last night. so basically the only fucking dj’s i saw were PART of ltj bukem’s set and part of paul van dyk’s… such a waste of money. bleh. went with seungbum, marcela, and matt [nomura] but seung and marcela always leave early and shit … and that’s why i had to find a ride home with someone else. GRR. GRR i say. GRR. but yeah at least i didn’t break my $70 bet yet… :/ although i would LOVE to, i’m too fucking poor for that shit.

bleh… and i went as i don’t really know… matt says i looked like a resident evil character… i wore like this vinyl apron thing over a red dress… i don’t know, it was sort of gothy but not so much. :/ i should have taken pictures… but i never really got the opportunity to and i didn’t even open my camera until the last like… 10 minutes… ARGH.

during the daytime… i went to class, took an environmental science 101 midterm that i did so-so on, and then came home and slept and wasted my life… hmmm and then played some of that game people call counterstrike and then went to chinatown with dan, tina, and hsu-ken… ate at some noodle shop… mm egg noodles are the shit. i miss eating chinese food at least i get to go home soon (well no not really soon) and eat some T__T and then afterwards we went to the pastry shop and they ate pastries w hile i watched because i was already full as fuck… and then we went to get bubble tea at this new place on the ave called shinka’s… it was like starbucks meets bubble tea… classic japanese teahouse style… and i dunno if i liked it but it was more like a REAL teahouse i guess but not that much selection and very weird menu… they had like “mango jalapeno” and “lychee lime mint” or something like that… like wtf? :O and wtf, those three people just keep eating and eating…

and then before going to freak night, stopped by alex and gareth‘s place and some people were over there drinking and playing “soul calibur 3″… blehbleh blahblah. so yeah because i am so disappointed i’m just fucking going to blast some drum’n'bass when my roommates wake up… GRRR. i wish i could play my music louder… cause i have these nice ass speakers and subsystem for basically no reason because my neighbors get pissed. ARR.

and i’ve come to conclude that when most people pms, they get moody and bitchy… i get depressed. lol. i noticed it last time and i noticed it this time, so it must be true. maybe that’s why it was unexplainable ;O well, now it’s explained.
these days it’s hard enough to please myself;
you’ll just have to wait in line.
sit down and take a number;
we’re all looking for our answers,
and i’m still learning how to breathe again.
turn around; take two steps back.
there must be bigger worries.
life is full of questions;
we can answer them if we take the time.
NORMAL LIKE YOU – PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.—

october 30th, 2003

i’m listening to… “hold on” by good charlotte [who cares], “santa monica” by savage garden [just sooo good].
i’m feeling… -__-;;

11:37 am — just had the worst studying experience of my life… my fault though, because i only brought 1/5 pages of the fucking review section… fucking annoying. and then i just didn’t feel like studying after that… :/

i’m just going to wake up really early tomorrow morning and study… fuck… fucking up at the wrong time. :/

i don’t even want to go to freak night at the moment… and i definitely don’t feel like dressing up anymore… argh.

i’m trying not to say too much negative stuff because the more you talk about it the more you feel it, but lord knows i feel it nevertheless. it’s weird how fast up and down it goes… unexplainable.
for lack of better words to say,
all i said was goodnight.
once again in self-defense,
i won’t sleep a wink to prevent dreaming of you.
you can sleep in your own bed tonight:
sleep away as summer’s pain
screaming out my name.
you can sleep in your own bed tonight.
i hope for your sake
that you don’t wake up
as broken as i am.
i know that some day
you will wake up
as lonely as i am.
cause fate works both ways.
THE STARTING LINE – A GOODNIGHT’S SLEEP.—

october 29th, 2003 (free)

i’m listening to… “become what you hated” by midtown [pop-punk].
i’m feeling… ^__^ happy.

11:41 am — you know what made me happy today (like 5 minutes ago)?! like really really happy (for some reason)?! i was walking home from school and there was this guy who was walking from the hub to like the haggett area… he was wearing headphones and singing along to midtown’s “become what you hated” at like the top of his lungs… lol… it was just so freaking funny… and really kind of cool in a way that he can do that and not feel stupid… unless it is some crazy weird ploy for attention of course. but yeah. kind of cool… and definitely put a smile on my face ^__^

2:23 am — lol, i guess today was just a damn happy day… after class i went to broadway to eat with amy and sujung… too bad it was fauking like $13… dammit sue! that’s like two meals in one! arrrgh. :/ blehblehblahblah. and then we went shopping a little… and then i came home and studied my ass off for a little while. still nowhere close enough to prepared though… :/ whatever, i have all weekend, even though i really don’t because freak night is friday and kha is coming from oregon on sat. gg. -__-;

i’m playing on isketch.net right now. fun stuff. :/

me and trask went to watch “lost in translation” today… fucking sooooo funny… made me quite the happy ^__^ very light-hearted… although the ending kind of bothered me :/ but damn… makes me want to go to japan… and stuff.

and then alex was here with eva when i got back… i mean, alex lives here anyways, so we sat around talking about gays and lesbians and crushes and monkeys and stuff for a while. good fun. good day. ^__^

my keyboard needs a wiping down. blech. and i am going to LIVE at the library tomorrow. :/ MAD STUDYING TO DO RAWRRRRR*!!!

—

october 28th, 2003 (strat failure)

i’m listening to… death cab for cutie’s newest album “transatlanticism”.
i’m feeling… retarded.

2:40 am — you know that feeling you get when you eat too much sugar? that’s what i feel right now… gg, drinking slurpee before going to bed. not a good thing to do. damn you nate, you nacho-fiending hoe.

today was a bleh day… although i have now discovered my favorite store in the world to be “display and costume” in northgate… sells like fabrics, craft shit, costumes, and party decorations and shit… i’m such a sucker for craft items… :/ i love to hoard worthless shit around… that’s part of the reason my room is so fucking messy… i have too much godamn stuff. cracka ass cracka (i want to dl chris rock).

went to target and display and costume today with eva, sora, karynn, and matt… interesting… eva had wanted to return home by six and we had this “1337 strat” (terminology copied from alex) where we would spend 10 min in target, 20 min in display and costume, and 30 min in costco (which was like a half hour away). so we went to target first and that worked out fine and we got in and out in about 10 min, but then when we got to display and costume, it was just TOO EXCITING and everyone got carried away buying halloween costume shit and we ended up staying there for an hour and saying, “fuck costco!”

so our 1337 strat failed miserably. oh well. godammit, fuck the sugar… feels so bad… :/

yeah i really do write too much huh. whatever the fuck am i ever going to do with all this text? oh well. suck a dick.

speaking of… http://www.theillustrator.com/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows .htm.

it’s lies, but motherfucking funny nonetheless. written by boys, of course, of course. now THAT is a 1337 strat. whatever, enough geekiness… i’ll pretend that i’m not really some geeky loser who is tragically un-hip.

—

octobre 26th, 2003 (-___-;)

i’m listening to… “somewhere down in fullerton” by allister [pop-punk], “stay” by lisa loeb [alternative] <– fucking old school no… but sooooo good :/
i’m feeling… sleepy.

10:14 pm — so tired, and it’s so early X__x;

rather boring day.

only time i left the house was to go to alderwood with hsu-ken and stuff… X__x; bought a bag from old navy and brand new’s “deja entendu” album (about time) from best buy… only $9.99 ~ weeee. oOh and $0.99 rice milk… rice milk is the shizzo.

and that is the extent of my non-exciting life. -__-;

one midterm the end of this week… two midterms the beginning of next week.

nansheng zen shi4 da4 ma2 fan2. :O

LET’S GO SNOWBOARDING! who is down?

new webpage layout coming tomorrow. wOot. you see it now, sorta.

oh, and you know mojo? it’s definitely a real thing. austin powers is on the dot.
you say… i only hear what i want to.
you say… i talk so all the time… so.
and i thought what i felt was simple;
and i thought that i don’t belong.
and now that i am leaving,
now i know that i did something wrong,
cause i missed you…
yeah, i missed you.
you say i only hear what i want to:
i don’t listen hard;
don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running
to anyone, anywhere.
i don’t understand if you really care;
i’m only hearing negatives… no, no, no…
so i turned the radio on;
i turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song: lover’s in love and the other’s run away…
lover is crying, cause the other won’t stay.
some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since they were born,
well…
well, this is not that;
i think that i’m throwing, but i’m thrown.
and i thought i’d live forever, but now i’m not so sure;
you try to tell me that i’m clever, but that won’t take me anyhow, or anywhere,
with you.
you said that i was naive, and
i thought that i was strong…
i thought, “hey, i can leave, i can leave…” but now i know that i was wrong,
cause i missed you…
yeah, i miss you.
you said, “i caught you cause i want you and one day i’ll let you go”;
you try to give away a keeper, or keep me
cause you know you’re just so scared to lose.
and you say, “stay”.
you say, i only hear what i want to…
LISA LOEB – STAY.—

october 25th, 2003 (taco-flavored kisses & btiches)

i’m listening to… a perfect circle’s “thirteenth step” album [metal].
i’m feeling… full.

1:03 am — wOot, daylight savings time… which means one extra hour of sleep… YAY ^__^

man, today was so much eating. got home, slept a little, sat around a little, sat around some more a little, and then went to go cook tacos and pizza at gareth and alex‘s apartment… (taco-flavored kisses indeed). we don’t see much of alex these days because his girlfriend is here from new york, and it’s weird seeing them together, because he’s all lovy-dovey instead of the normal crazy ass alex we all know… and she has got him in CHECK dude. hahaha. brOohaha.

so yeah so we watched “fraternity life” for a bit… lol… so so so stupid. this one girl totally just made a huge idiot out of herself on tv… i guess there was this guy that always makes out with this girl when he sees her, and then at one party, he sees this other girl he thinks he likes more, so he tells the first girl she’s going to go for the other girl… and so him and the other girl go upstairs and to the bedroom and stuff and the first girl just barges in and cuddles up next to him and stuff… lol. funneh. girls are so dumb :/ but yeah, the guy lost his virginity (which he previously claimed to be important) to this random girl that he just met and then he’s like “she has a special place in my heart and i definitely want to see her again”… while you see her the day after and she just runs out of the freaking house haha. then later she writes him a letter saying she never wants to see him again… lol, that sucks.

i’m quite the lost in my thoughts!!

anyway when we all went to bubble tea, we started playing poker (texas holdem) since they had chips and stuff… me and eva absolutely pwned ALL THE BOYS! everyone! gareth, eric, lewis, hsu-ken, hsu-han, eddie… they are all our bitches now!

what is kinda g-hey is that everyone considers me and eva to be like… one person… like just because we’re roommates and we’re both short chinese girls we’re exactly the same or something. -__-; so untrue!

lol… i remember when i never ever used to talk shit about people, and now i talk so much… :/

and as a parting note, belligerent drunks can suck my ass!!

—

october 24th, 2003 (karma police)

i’m listening to… “karma police” by radiohead [rock], “even in death” by evanescence [rock], “chasing rainbows” by no use for a name [pop- punk], “adhesive” by stone temple pilots [alternative], “adam’s song” by blink 182 [pop-punk].
i’m feeling… phlegmy.

4:03 pm — how does one get rid of phlegm and cough!? HOW!!

so last night was quite the interesting ordeal… :O and damn, i really DON’T have any female friends in washington… it freaking sucks. luckily i have my awesome roommate at least >;( there are just so many things that are so much better with GIRLS around. -__-;

anyway, yesterday… went to school (the first friday i’ve gone to school all year so far) and then came home and rotted my brain… yay!! at night everything was just hectic and crazy X__x;;

alex, his girlfriend courtney, jun, eva, lewis, and eric wanted to go to this house party of some of their old mcmahon friends… nyes… we got there and there probably were like… eight people there (excluding us)… after a while hsu-ken, eddie, gareth, and hsu-han showed up and some other random people came but whatever… we just crowded the entrance hallway and stuff. :X

and eva was trying to get the cigarette to light and couldn’t do it twice and then smoked the filter twice hehe!!
and lewis changed his outfit to match eva’s because they had the same dress clothes.
and lewis taught all the boys how to ‘club’.
and gareth wore courtney’s jacket that was two sizes too small for him.
and me and eva scared this girl who went to the bathroom by staring at her when she went in and out.
and me and eva tried moving the parti to the basement and then got bored and left our parti.
and we determined going into the basement to be “rushing water”, esp since the floor was blue.
good times.

anyway, then trask called because their parti got broken up and i told them to go to the house we were at but for some reason they got lost (although now i have the address embedded in my brain: 4755 + 21st street) -__-; anyway, it took forever to meet them, and much thanks to eva and jun and alex and courtney for walking me down even though it was sort of far… fucking everyone else was going to come too because they wanted to meet scm or something (rofl) but then they got too lazy… and so they went back to the parti… i feel bad though, because eva and jun walked me down, and then alex and courtney left and went home… and so when eva and jun went back to the parti eddie, hsu-ken, and hsu-han left. what hoes.

hmm so me and trask went to tony‘s parti for a little bit but i guess we went too late and it was kind of dead and all the alcohol was kind of gone… :/ (except for beer)… and i guess it was a sausage fest so tony wanted to go tot he parti that we just came from… so we left to go to trask’s apt to get alcohols and i told tony to meet us at the parti… CEPT IT DIED -__-; and they left and everything =( sad.

so just took some vodka shots @ their apt… like 3 shots in 10 minutes or something, meh. and another half shot like… an hour later. actually, i have no idea… don’t have any sense of time. -__-;

and my contacts were dry and trask had these weird eyedrops on his desk that brett [pwn] tried for me and he ended up drying out his eyes and hurting them :X so sad but so funny hahaha.
and stayed up talking to trask until like 5:30 about random shit… wee ~

meh okay foot fell asleep.

—

october 20th, 2003 (beh)

i’m listening to… “all messed up” by sum 41 [pop-punk], “a good night’s sleep” by the starting line [pop-punk], “stars and stripes” by anti-flag [punk], “superman’s dead” by our lady peace [alternative], “blue day” by american hi-fi [emo?! iono X_x].
i’m feeling… brach.

9:21 pm — WO YAO YI GE NAN PENGYOU! =( NAMJA CHINGOO KATGO SHEEPUH! YO QUIERO UN… something that i forgot the word for.

hOok me up, werd.

mostly i want one because i’m soooo boreddddd… -___-;

it started fucking pouring today… didn’t go to work or school today… just sort of vegetated. i took a walk to mcdonald’s and to the bank and got freaking soaked as hell (down to the socks too). w0ot. -__-

i don’t want your negativity!! -__- shiet, and i thought i was boring and bittar, but compared to some people, i am completely normal, and perhaps even exciting, if possible. that there is true dullness.

god, people who do too many drugs are seriously such losers lol… not to say that i DON’T like drugs, but when you smoke weed three times a day or drop e every other day or every weekend, you are a fucking loser… yeah, reality sucks, and drugs do help, but doing that basically equals no motivation or care for anything much but escaping. gawdamn. i have nothing against doing that shit every once in a while, but every fucking day or week equals no thanks… get some goals for yourself, shiet. it’s a fucking waste of money, waste of time, waste of motivation, waste of brain, etc. after experimenting with that shiet first year, i’ve learned, and fuck that shit, really. moderation is the key to EVERYTHING.
so it’s safe to say that we’ve been here before;
heart torn out, down for the count, and still come back for more.
this lesson is learned too well,
though, only unlearned by the time your wounds have healed.
have you had enough?
i guess not, because your lips are stuck to his.
it’s time to say enough is enough; you would be so better off.
you love him, but tough, because it’s not coming back from him.
you can’t win.
stop expecting change; he’s just a lost cause you’re waiting on.
take a look around; you can have anyone,
so leave undeserving him.
it only hurts at first,
but then you will find someone to give you everything you want.
THE STARTING LINE – SADDEST GIRL STORY(jennie’s response:)
oops. i messed up. i am having a hard time. god im turning fob…damn chol… ^___^ take me a a show one day…. i never got to go with cyn…. or take both of us, im sure shes up for it anytime. #.@ yahoo…talk to you laterz…

—

october 19th, 2003 (..)

i’m listening to… “the dance that broke my jaw” by hoobastank [ska], “nobody’s listening” by linkin park [nu-metal?], “if we never go inside” by alkaline trio [punk], “tainted love (cover)” by marilyn manson [metal?! iono], “broken” by seether [alternative].
i’m feeling… not too shabbeh!

11:38 am — it’s so nice to have life be amusing. ^__^

yesterday i woke up at freaking like 5:30 to go on a stinking environmental science field trip (which is likely to be the last). it was oOdles of [non-]fun. T__T so took a half hour walk to campus with alex and then we met up with the rest of the people who went… and drove two and a half hours there to stay there for two hours and drive another two and a half hours back lol. we went to mount st. helen’s… i think it’s right on the border of washington and oregon, or at least close to that. ^__^

figured some stuff outtttttt… and i am content. DUDE! SWEET! X__x;

i guess alex noticed that i was different this year from how i was last year… GOOD DEAL… and i told him it was because this year i am actually more like who i was before… and he thinks it’s good… and i think it is good also… because i am a lot happier this year… and last year was just… well, retarded and unexplainable.

my roommate kristine‘s parents are here… yeaaaah. great fun. no, not really. i still don’t really talk to two of my roommates… AWESOME -__- they’re such like… homey kids. bake cookies for their neighbors and have tupperware parties and shiet… lol… i don’t think i’ve ever done stuff like that in my life. maybe? no i think not.

gonna go get a halloween costume today ^__^ i really want to go trick-or-treating, but i don’t think that will happen ha… especially since freak night is that night and college students have better things to do i suppose XP (aka get hammered).

who wants to go see concerts?!?!
11/13 – jason mraz… i guess i’m going with lingo.
11/17 – brand new and hot water music… yay! i really wanna see this one but no one is sure of it yet… SOMEONE COME WITH ME X__x
12/02 – alkaline trio and reggie and the full effect… not sure about this one yet.

guess i’m going to pass on the thrice show since i’m a broke biatch right now… and i don’t really want to have to watch thursday.

10:45 pm — so today the power in most of our apartment complex was out for like… 7 hours… so funny… no one had anything to do so everyone started studying… hahaha. just… everywhere… on the stairs outside the apartment, on their porches, on the benches… funny.

anyway, yeah. i don’t know. i don’t know why everyone’s midterms are this week when my earliest one isn’t until late next week and the rest extend into november. WTF.

btw, if you have mcdonald’s monopoly pieces you don’t want, GIVE THEM TO ME!!!!
you could be right and i’ll be real…
honesty won’t be a pain
you’ll have to feel,
cause i don’t need your approval
to find my worth.
i’ve been trapped inside of my own mind,
afraid to open my eyes
because of what i’d find…
and i don’t want to live like this anymore.
does it scare you that
i can be something different from you?
would it make you feel more comfortable
if i wasn’t?
well, you can’t control me,
and you can’t take away from me
who i am.
there goes my pain;
there goes my chains…
did you see them falling?
you can’t change me;
you can’t break me…
there goes the world -
off of my shoulders.
there goes the world -
off of my back…
cause i don’t want it.
LIFEHOUSE – QUASIMODO.—

october 17th, 2003 (i am content)

i’m listening to… “only one” by yellowcard [punk/emo]… my song of the day.
i’m feeling… okay.

9:48 pm — just got back from eating malaysian food for the first time (minus satay, because i’ve had that before)… yummyyyyyy. X__x; so much better than i thought it would be man ** and it came out to be like $12.00 per person… GOOD FAUKING LORD. :O

going to mount st. helen’s tomorrow morning.

freak night lineup is weak sauce… minus nitsuj… I FINALLY GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN <3

so yeah… i think i finally am getting back into the swing of things and being myself again… this year is like 40,000x better than last year… honestly… i think anyone who met me last year had a really fucked up idea of who i was because last year was just… so bad… so not good. last year was all about the hermitdom WITHOUT being productive… so it was negative in every aspect… i think this year is more like the first year of college where i actually got my shit done and actually had fun while doing it. THIS is how it should be. glad it’s back. i am content. not necessarily happy, but content. : X

i’ve come to conclude that i don’t deserve 3/4 of the attention i get… lol. whatever. but no matter how you sugarcoat it, everyone likes attention. sigh. that is one of the major things i’ve learned in college, and another thing i’ve learned is that all boys are perverts. no ifs ands or buts… all of them are perverts.
broken this fragile thing now,
and i can’t pick up the pieces.
i’ve thrown my words all around
but i can’t give you a reason.
i feel so broken up,
and i’m giving up;
i just want to tell you so you know.
here i go:
scream my lungs out
and try to get to you.
YELLOWCARD – ONLY ONE—

october 12th, 2003 (a day of fatness)

i’m listening to… “elevators (rmx)” by outkast [hip-hop], “sock it to me” by missy elliot [hip-hop], “take me to your leader” by incubus [metal].
i’m feeling… odd.

6:45 pm — yesterday = fooding all day. during early afternoon jennifer [yee] and hsu-ken came over and we baked brownies and ate quesadillas yummy! and then alex came over for a few seconds but he left after stealing some food as soon as jennifer left. CHI TO HIS MOMMA. psh, and i like how jennifer only hangs out with me when her bf is busy at the fOotball game XP nice seeing her though. she’s funny cause she’s asian and she thinks she’s black. ^^

hmmm had a party at our place last night… but it wasn’t exactly a party i guess. it was a potluck with drinking. lol. i don’t really know ^__^ it was me, eva, farm, corrine, lewis, hsu-ken, hsu-han, eric, gareth, alex, jun… i think that’s it. took four shots of vodka, played some drunken cranium (super thanks to tim for hooking it up), ate some grub… should have watched some megalodon.

i feel sooo bad when i am unintentionally a bitch to people and unintentionally hurt their feelings. it’s so fucked up sigh asidjaidjasoida. =( i feel so bad… i never mean to or want to leave people out of things… and sometimes i leave the most obvious people out. it’s just fucked. :\ it’s so hard to be a ‘good’ person! omg.

freak night is coming up soon… i’m freaking stoked. ^__^

i bought “the da vinci code” by dan brown from costco the other day… he’s a horrible writer… his characters have no depth and all of them act the same… and his writing style reminds me of how i used to write when i was in middle school (not even kidding)… but his ideas are amazing… which unfortunately, makes his books very interesting. :\ but david sedaris is still the bestestestest.

heh… so G fell asleep on my bed yesterday and so i ended up sleeping on the floor and then moving to the couch. bleh.

so this past week or so i’ve been seeing the repercussions guys have had for screwing around with girls… because it seems the guys never expect anything and the girls get attached too easily. heh. my one friend is juggling two girls… or WAS… and none of them even thought that was odd. they both knew about the other one and still was on his jock… and now they’re crying and shit because they’re being hurt since he doesn’t want a relationship. wtf. you should have expected that shit. dumbass girls :/

okay, yes, time to study.

2:15 am — AAAAH I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY MIND… CAN’T SLEEP, CAN’T SLEEP, CAN’T SLEEP. :X

—

october 3rd, 2003 (empty words)

i’m listening to… “the no seatbelt song” by brand new… [emo] on repeat…
i’m feeling… like… hmm.

4:48 am — well tonight i was supposed to go with jennifer [yee] to this techno thing (not rave) that her friend is starting up, but she didn’t feel like going, and i didn’t really feel like going, and then we didn’t go. fascinating, i’m sure.

went to gareth and alex‘s apartment and just bummed around… hella people were there… eva, eddie, hsu-ken, hsu-han, lewis, jun, gildas, hojo, jonny, lynn, and jennifer. drank some wine (because it was too late to buy hard a and beer and crap is nasty), played some video games, listened to people babble about their traumatizing girl encounters, and watched “army of darkness” (which was horrible, but unlike “megalodon” it was just straight-up horrible and not so bad it was horrible.) the difference between the two are that “army of darkness” was just trying to be overboardly funny, while “megalodon” wasn’t trying to be funny but just was so bad it was. there is a big difference. the beginning of “army of darkness” was very promising because it seemed like it was trying to be a decent movie but was just retarded… and then it just tried to be TOO funny and it actually backfired and it all went downhill from there… and to me, it just seemed hoaky. it is definitely no “megalodon”. advertisement #2: go rent “shark attack 3: the megalodon”… n00b.

i am so absolutely flakey. this needs fixing, because it drives me freaking crazy because i used to hate it so much and now i do it all the time… and like, in situations where people perhaps DO actually care, it ain’t no good, ya heard.

alcohol and milk mixed together ain’t no good either. :X

everyone is a freaking whore, by the way. or maybe i am just a huge prude. more likely the latter. or maybe some of both.

and disrespek… disrespek everywhere. bah…

trying to refrain from being overly dramatic here…
please ignore this lisp;
i never meant to sound like this.
so take me and break me,
and make me strong like you.
i’ll be forever grateful to this and you.
do you understand?
it’s only you, beautiful.
or i don’t want anyone.
if i can choose, it’s only you.
BRAND NEW – THE NO SEATBELT SONG

september 2003

september 30th, 2003 (roar)

i’m listening to… “information travels faster” by death cab for cutie [emo], “i was a kaleidoscope” by death cab for cutie [emo], “signals over the air” by thursday [emo].
i’m feeling… fine.

1:43 am — i really want death cab for cutie’s newest album… it’s supposed to be really good, and a lot better than their previous album(s)… which is (are) very good, from what i’ve heard :X

so it’s like no matter what time i go to sleep in the early morning / late night, i still wake up feeling the same amount of tired. so i’d might as well just not sleep until 2 am, right?!?

so far school is actually really good… i dunno… things seem different this quarter! and luckily i have bussing buddies from nordheim every day of the week, so it’s sort of a little more motivation to go to class (sort of a “you-have-to-go” kind of motivation). w0rd. saw hella people i haven’t seen for a while today too… all good.

there’s this one hella ghetto korean guy who is a big dickhead in one of my classes… when i first got here i thought he was sooo hot… but now he is whatevers, and a little too ghetto… ghetto is not attractive, even if it is fun to imitate. w0rd.

i need to hurry up and finish my new layout, because this shit is getting old, ya heard? :X

—

september 29th, 2003 (first day o schooliosis)

i’m listening to… death cab for cutie. they are good shit. need to check out their new album. :X
i’m feeling… sleepy.

10:27 pm — it’s freaking 10:27 pm but i’m going to go to bed after writing this… that is, if i can fall asleep, being the insomniac i am. ack, contacts drying out. >__<

i dyed my hair pink yesterday. only the bangs so far… gonna streak it pink soon, but i need eva to help me out… we both got those highlighting caps and we’re gonna do each other’s hairs… like monkeys. o( ( ^ – ~ ) )o

blehblehbleh. disrespek.

school was alright… don’t know anyone in my classes except for oh, richard [lee] is in my environmental science class and alex is trying to add… let’s hope he can!! also taking sociology 220, for the third time, and biological anthropology 201… yeah, i dunno. some cute boys in my classes, but none of which i have spoken to yet. we shalt see! need to go to classes this quarter bah… >__< it’s gonna be classes from 8:30 – 11:30 and then work til 6:30 on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, and then school on tuesday and thursday from 9:30 – 1:30 on tuesdays and thursdays… and then work if i’m needed. bah.

had to walk to school this morning with jun because like… the freaking busses were full… i guess it’s cause people actually go to class the first day of school, chi. this better not happen tomorrow -__- w0rd.

oh yes and i’ve cut down significantly on the cs-playing time because it hasn’t really been holding my interests… version 1.6 is out and it’s just not as fun… i dunno. and i suck like mad monkey pOop… but that’s typical, i guess.

started actually using my guitar lol… about time. -__-; now to start writing a me and sherry‘s book (we have an outline and idea and terrific everything… but no ending yet… hahaha), start designing clothes, start studying chinese, start teaching my mom japanese… ho yeah. right. this will all happen, i swear. actually though, being done with classes so early is pretty freaking cool because i get all this time to… do stuff. too bad the end of this week i’ll be starting to work and that will mean no time to do stuff… so i guess i should take advantage of this now.

dude, i have 24-hour stuffy nose… how do you fix this shiet? sudafed = absolutely worthless. WHAT SHOULD I USE?! HELP HELP HELP… i need some medicines that work, bah. peace outside.

—

september 27th, 2003 (word)

i’m listening to… “sour times” by portishead [trip-hop], “not a worry in the world” by the ataris [pop-punk], “warhead” by dj krust [drum'n'bass], “miss you” by brown eyes [korean], “play a live!” by dj mangOo [trance]. been a long time since i’ve listened to trance heh.
i’m feeling… like nothing interesting.

3:45 am — so… last night!? last night… i went to san francisco to see the dashboard confessional, mxpx, brand new, and vendetta red concert… hyun-sOo hOoked me up with tickets (he ended up getting SIX free tickets from mxpx’s management, two photo passes, and an interview with mxpx)… for some reason even after you got your ticket, you had to get a wristband… waited in line for that a damn long time. freaking crackheads.

this was the weirdest venue i’ve ever been in… you’d have to see it to believe it. pretty much it was just stairs everywhere… there was a main ga area that was lowered in front of the stage and then raised platforms on the left and right sides of it… and then two more different-heighted raised platforms to the back of the ga area… very, very bizarre. there were people on all the stairs and stuff because it was so hard to see. a lot of people. when the hell did dashboard get so big… or have they always been?! wtf?!

was bored to death for vendetta red’s act because i think they’re absolutely horrible… then brand new came up… they were splendid!!! they barely played any songs from their first album though… which kind of sucked, but it’s all good. their lead singer didn’t sing like he does on the albums though… his voice doesn’t inflect that much on the album and does a lot when he sings live. keeps things interesting, i guess… or maybe it’s just easier. either way, i don’t care, because they were great. their music… is wowowowowow.

for mxpx hyun-soo and his friend went backstage to take pictures, so i just kind of went into the crowd myself… eh. *shrug. mxpx is okay. i’ve seen them like three times now… never have really been a big fan of theirs. the only songs of theirs i really like are “chick magnet” and “i’m okay, you’re okay” — the latter of which they rarely seem to play.

saw a few songs in dashboard’s set and then i left because they were boring me. it’s okay, for the price of free (even though i paid $10 for parking, huk). turns out a few minutes after i left, hyun-soo and his friend got kicked out for taking pictures of dashboard (since their photo passes only said they could take pictures of mxpx)… hahaha funny. ^__^

returned to seattle today… [little] andy chen and auntie emerald took me out for dinner @ some thai restaurant… damn, they sure get a lot of food. i have so many leftovers… i have chinese food from this morning also because mom and dad told me to bring it up from california hahaha.

that’s about all i did… spent some time with the roommates and watched “bringing down the house”, which is probably one of the most politically incorrect movies i’ve ever seen… but the political incorrectness was probably the funniest part of it all haha. ^__^

and i’ve been sober for three months!! bleh it’s not really that long when it comes down to it, but it is also… :/

btw when we were in cali i turned on the tv one day and happened to watch “fraternity life” on mtv… and i was watching and all of a sudden this guy looked hella familiar and it was keldon from our high school… and so i called xinlei and for some reason right when i called her to tell her that, fontaine called her to tell her that… like wtf?? and we also found out he was gay through this tv show… which we could have guessed, but no one actually knew to be accurate… but damn, that’s hella weird seeing your classmate on tv.

—

september 25th, 2003 (quite simple)

i’m listening to… brand new’s “deja entendu” cd [emo].
i’m feeling… sick.

9:12 pm — why is my nose always stuffed up… it’s really freaking annoying me now. i think i need to start wearing more clothes… not that i wear very little clothes, but more clothes. yes.

so hyun-soo got hooked up from brand new and mxpx’s management… he got 4 free tickets to the dashboard confessional, brand new, mxpx, and vendetta red concert tomorrow night… all because of this… w0rd. so yeah… i’m going tomorrow night… i hope i’m allowed to – like for reals. meaning… i need to pack tonight and crap.

i can’t think… too much stuffy nosing.

atencion.

eva has a car now… freaking kick ass. wonder how well all our roommates will get along. ^__^

before i started typing this, i had stuff to say, but now that is all beyond me?! odd.

i hope to stop making mistakes this coming school year… and to fix things. and be more social… and be less flaky. crap. i used to hate flakers so much and now i am the QUEEN of flakers. how completely irritating. i used to hate people who were late too, and now i do that all the time also. how useless.

(nate’s response:)
Being sociable is overrated. Let me know if you want to frequent some parties at NH or elsewhere, I might be able to hook you up at a place or two (not that I’m all that or anything).

—

september 22nd, 2003 (24/7 phlegm)

i’m listening to… “we’re on top of the world” by the juliana theory [emo].
i’m watching… “top 100 sexiest artists” on vh1. i’m feeling… sick.

10:53 pm — blech… i have phlegm, all the time… i don’t think it’s any good.

a very boring past three days. nothing to speak of, except that i don’t understand people… at all.

back to vh1. oh, boring life.

 —

 september 20th, 2003 (underworld)

i’m listening to… “rest in pieces” by saliva [rock], “with or without you” by u2 [rock]. no fucking new mp3′s cause my parents won’t let us download any… so sick of these ones T__T
i’m feeling… brach.

1:38 am — dude, my parents aren’t home yet. hardcore. kinda makes me worried… i guess this is how they feel when i’m out late.

i just watched “boys don’t cry”… interesting movie… mixed thoughts about that.

i’m still convinced the world is turning gay.

for some reason i look at every girl’s outfit now, from head to toe… it’s like i’m checking them out. i really really want to make my own clothes. i have designs, but nowhere to put them down. i want to make like cyber punk clothing… like illig, fiction design company, kitchen orange, lithium, etc. X__x; stuff i would never wear myself because it’s too expensive… and because my body isn’t good enough. seriously, though, i think if i actually liked my body, i would dress more skanky. heh. be on the lookout… jyes.

i bought these shoes today that were almost $60… i don’t really know why i boguht them… but i couldn’t resist. they’re actually boy shoes, even though they look like they were made for girls… it’s “boxer” by demonia. i didn’t buy it from that website (that one is ridiculously expensive), but you get the gist. i’m seriously addicted to buying clothes now… i need to learn how to make my own so i can save some bucks or something, shiet >__<

so… i watched “underworld” today. it was an alright movie… entertaining, fo sho, but i have some gripes about it… kate bekinsdale or whatever her name is never got shot even when four or five guys were shooting her from pointblank… and of course she managed to kill them all… without getting a scratch. pretty freaking retarded. the storyline i actually don’t think was that bad… it was actually quite interesting. this movie could have been 40,000x better than it was… poorly executed, for sure. and there was this one vampire… with whips… i mean, seriously… that was just retarded. i’m kind of disappointed because i had really high hopes for this movie, since i love these nu-era vampires (like in this and blade and crap)… but it wasn’t really that great. worth the matinee price i guess; not worth the nighttime price.

—

september 15th and 16th, 2003 (parallel universe)

i’m listening to… “first love” by utada hikaru [japanese], “rest in pieces” by saliva [rock].
i’m feeling… okay.

3:10 am — two days in a row of the same exact shit (almost), but with different people.

on monday, i drove to richard‘s house to meet up with him and david [shibata], and we watched some “road rules” and some “the newlyweds” (which btw, is retarded, and the only thing more retarded than that is jessica simpson herself)… afterwards we drove to milpitas and met up with claire, xinlei, and fontaine… first time shibata and claire have seen each other for a long time i think. ;X it wasn’t as tense-ish as i thought it was be, seeing as they broke up on grounds of not-good-stuff. we got boba, went to shoot pool, adn then came back to go to rivalution which is a new pc room that opened up in pleasanton near the mall… it’s not charging for gaming until thursday. sveet :] claire and i pwned all the boys… sveet :]

on tuesday, i drove to jeremy‘s house to meet up with him, phil [wu], nelson, elaine, francis, and mike because all of them came up from so-cal for a couple of days. i haven’t seen fil and jeremy in the longest time… probably almost a year for both… ;O actually, i think MORE than a year for jeremy… but i’m not too sure. we picked up andrew and then went BACK down to milpitas, to the SAME boba and pool place… wOoha, boring lives in nor-cal indeed. ;X

(dave’s response:)
Responding has never been easier with “Holynet”! I still prefer Xanga. =P.

—

september 13th to 14th, 2003 (death)

i’m listening to… “the noose” by a perfect circle [rock], “perfect enemy” by a perfect circle (tapeworm cover) [rock].
i’m feeling… okay.

3:02 am — let me tell you about a horrible feeling.

i slept over sherry‘s apartment in berkeley today so that we could go party (aka get drunk) since jeanette leaves soon. -__-; so we went to sherry’s friend’s house / b-day party, but they ran out of alcohol hella fast and there were mad people there… none of which we knew. it sucked cause i got a little bit buzzed and then that was it… nowhere near the “fun level” of drunkardness. and then everyone else smoked out but i couldn’t because of my $70-no-drugs-bet with richard. later in the night the guy sherry is dating showed up with a cute friend (who was amazingly funny), and jeanette worked her charms and then the two couples of them were all… couply. at the party it was somewhat standable because i just yakked on the phone with tony and janine most of the time… but afterwards… omg. so afterwards, we drove to karaoke, but both places we went to were closed already because it was like… almost 2:00 am i think (maybe even later).

so then sherry takes us to this observatory sort of place where you can see the bay… and it was pretty, and shit, but there were two couples… and me. it fucking sucked. i hate that crap. why am i always the only single motherfucker? a horrible feeling indeed. at least sherry and her dude talked to me and made me feel a little better, though. i had an interesting conversation with her dude about humanity and how brain-washing religion is… and how we just destroy everything in our paths and use it to our good… like viruses! he says every time he tells poeple his views on this, they look at him funny (he was even afraid to tell me at first)… funny… i agreed with him 100%. ;X

i wrote a song about it! wanna hear?!

(anybody know what that’s from? ;X)  

— 

september 12th, 2003 (adventures with homelessness)

i’m listening to… nothing.
i’m feeling… odd.

1:49 am — today was probably one of the oddest days that i’ve had in a long ass freaking time. okay, so i woke up, and had my brother take me to the bart station (which is like a above-ground-subway thing) so i could pick up my car because my dad drives it to the bart station in the morning. unfortunately, i grabbed the wrong set of keys and had to wait almost a half hour for him to return and give me his keys -__-; what a n00b i am.

anyway, so i picked up claire and we went to berkeley to sherry‘s place, and then sherry drove me, claire, herself, and jeanette up to union square in sf. we picked a spot across the street from old navy and sat down… in the little doorway between gap and anthropologie i think. actually, i’m too lazy to finish this right now, so i’ll finish it tomorrow.

(four days later, i have decided to finally finishing updating this):
so, on our excursion in the middle of the street, we met many an interesting person. here are some statistics, cause i’m a sociology geek.

[ TOTAL RESPONSES ]
48: HALF RESPONSE (WAVE, SMILE, “HI”)
35: NEGATIVE RESPONSES (IGNORED, LOOKED AWAY)
26: POSITIVE RESPONSES (CONVERSED WITH US)
—
[ HALF RESPONSES ]
01: ASIAN MALES
02: ASIAN FEMALES
03: WINKS
03: PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN OF US
—
[ POSITIVE RESPONSES ]
01: HOMELESS BLACK MALES
02: HOMELESS WHITE MALES
02: BLACK FEMALES
06: BLACK MALES
07: WHITE FEMALES
09: WHITE MALES

i actually wish i could have categorized them better, but because they were done in the spur of the moment, they were very inaccurate and hurried. responses only include people who we actually made an attempt to greet.

[ CONCLUSIONS ]
- asian people are mean.

the first two people we got were homeless people and jeanette and claire were scared to death of them. one homeless white guy pulled up his shirt to reveal his stomach and he had all these needle marks and stuff… or something… that’s what everyone else said anyway; i had no idea what it was ;( i thought he was sick ;X

so then this black guy comes along… who ended up sticking next to us the whole time we were there. the first second he saw us he gave us job descriptions… i was public relations (because i had the sign), sherry was sargeant in arms (who was in charge of security), jeanette was the leader, and claire was security. he then pronounced himself to be the ceo of our newfound company and i made him a little sign that said “ceo” which he displayed on the rim of his hat ^__^ he sang a little song for us too… which he later sang for another girl. i don’t remember much of it, but i remember lines from it that said stuff like “you smell so sweet; you could be perfume” and “you make me so rich; you could be cash”. lol. he didn’t sing bad though. while he was singing, he was saying how he was “on stage” because it was a black man singing to four asian girls… and then he kept saying how people must be thinking “why is this black man talking to four asian girls”? he talked about how him and his wife were separated because he had a ‘temper problem’… O__o; and how he worked for the government for like eleven years or something. it was neat.

next along we had this guy who worked at puma who became our buddy… he was on his lunch break and he went to go get chinese food and on the way there he started talking to us and saying that it would be easy for four attractive asian girls sitting on the side of street to get people to talk to them. so he went, got his food, came back, talked to us a little, went to eat his food, and came back again later… and he was trying to get jeanette’s number to find out about clubs and crap… supposedly, but yeah, that didn’t work. oh for a while we were saying no girls would talk to us and so he was holding up our neon sign and trying to get girls to talk to us, but that didn’t work =(

then a well-dressed black man came up and he told us he was a tapdancer, and we convinced him to do a little tapdance for us. he started talking to the other people about how some girl was sueing him and how messed up it was, but i wasn’t paying attention because i was listening to these two other people talk =(

i wasn’t listening partly because i was listening to this little brat who thought we were hella weird for sitting there and he told me that, basically. and then he was like “okay, so people are just supposed to talk to you about anything?” and i said yeah, and he was like “then do you know anything about carpet-munching?” i’m like “omg, okay, i can’t help you out there, sorry. ask one of these guys.” and then he got all pissy and was like “you should change your sign to ‘talk to me, but i won’t be able to help you with anything’.” i mean, stfu you little brat! how would i know anything about CARPET-MUNCHING! i mean really!

a gay-but-not-so-gay homeless guy also showed up asking us if we wanted some beer, heh. he had a bunch of food he got from some funeral and he was going to give it to his friends because he had been “blessed” with the food. i thought that was cute, but then he got all weird… ;X he asked us all, “so, who here has gotten an orgasm?” and he guessed that i might have, claire hasn’t, and that sherry and jeanette have. haha. then he was asking me, “have you ever dated a homeless man?” and i said “no”, and then he said, “do you want to?” and i thought he said something else, so i said, “yes” and he’s like “really? then give me your number and address.” and i’m like “oh uhhh i think you’re a little too old for me… yeah.” haha. but yes… i concluded a couple days ago that’s what i need… a gay guy who doesn’t know he’s gay (he was soooooooo gay). i started ignoring him because he kept saying how i had a nice smile and nice eyes, so i just talked to our black ceo… and then i guess everyone else said he said something about how he had to leave because he couldn’t continue sitting there and not being able to do anything about his [boner]… and i guess he got up and left with a BONER. blech. queer eye for a straight man.

we also got like two groups of two middle-aged white, female teachers… they were all very nice and thought we had a terrific idea.

two other white female students appeared and took pictures of us for us… and they were really nice… they were doing surveys or something. *shrug.

but yeah… asian people are REALLY mean. we passed SO many and only three even acknowledged us at ALL… and two of the people who did acknowledge us were fobs, which gives the others no excuses. two others took pictures of us but didn’t say a word to us… stupid tourists. xP

later that night we just got some boba in berkeley at sweetheart’s… and met up with richard and dottie and co… and so me and claire decided to go back to room with a cue and play pool to end the day. voila.

–

september 9th, 2003 (weird)

i’m listening to… “liquid skies” by kai tracid [trance], “last night” by the strokes [rock], “departure” from rurouni kenshin [piano], “miss you” by westlife >< [boyband-pop-stuff].
i’m feeling… alright.

1:04 pm — so kha asked me last week why i write in an online journal… is it because i want people to read it? sure, but not necessarily. for the most part, i do think it is for myself because sometimes i do check back on it if i need some information or something. it’s sort of a lot easier because you can just search for keywords instead of flipping through mad paged and reading every individual page just to find what you want (which is what i’ve had to do with my older journals)… it kind of sucks because i actually like WRITING better than typing because it has a more personal and humanistic touch to it… but what can you do? =/ i think that with all this technology writing things down in general will just become more and more obsolete… it’s sad. i’m convinced that technology is going to kill us all. but i digress.

going back home to california today for three weeks… i’m excited! yes, yes, i am. i don’t even think i’ll have friends the latter part of this stay (other than if i drive to berkeley), but honestly, i don’t really care, because just being home is better than being here -__- no counterstrike for three weeks though! *cries. ^__^

ah yes and about my past weekend… i watched more people get fucked up on sunday… was it? a few people shrOomed. ;X i watched “legally blonde 2″, which was rather retarded, and “seabiscuit”, which is 100x better than you’d think it would be. ^__^ now i just need to watch “underworld”… hecks yes.

oh yes, yes, some bomb ass song lyrics today ^__~ haha. i don’t care if it is pop ass boy band crap, i like it.
i can’t sleep; i just can’t breathe
when your shadow is over me.
don’t wanna be a fool in your eyes
cause what we had was built on lies.
what would it take for you to see
to make you understand that i’ll always believe
you and i can make it through…
and i still know i can’t get over you…
and when our love seems to fade away,
listen to me; hear what i say.
i don’t wanna be feel the way that i do;
i just wanna be right here with you.
i don’t wanna see us apart…
i just wanna say it straight from my heart,
i miss you.
WESTLIFE – MISS YOU—

september 5th, 2003 (three crappy movies later)

i’m listening to… jason mraz.
i’m feeling… crampy.

5:40 am — just got back from josh and seungbum‘s apartment a little while ago. it was a drugfest today. lots of random people. andrea, fion, steve [lee] and crowd, seungbum’s friends from portland, [viet-]tony and crowd, minjun and crowd, and lots of random people i didn’t know. there were probably like six / seven people rolling, six / seven people really really blazed, a couple drunk people, and then me… i think i was the only sober one there… maybe. but it was cool.

watched a lot of weird random movies like “trasure planet” (well only the last half), “candyman 2″, “100 girls” and part of keanu reeves’ quality-acting-movie “hardball”… i swear no one saw that movie. i only vaguely remembered of its existence.

didn’t actually feel so bad being sober… a few moments i did actually want to bust out with the shrOoms, but i didn’t because of my $70 no-drugs-bet with richard. i actually think it is a good thing. i’m mostly done with weed and e though… so if anything, it would probably only be shrOoms anyways. i kind of think that for that period i experimented with drugs sort-of-a-lot that i relied on them too much to shape the personality i wanted… (more outgoing and crap). so… trying to make those things happen on my own, i guess. o__O; it’s weird… usually i feel really out of place with groups of random people, but today everyone was pretty cool… probably cause everyone was on drugs. xP

jason mraz is my recent musical obsession. he’s just… good.

working on a new webpage layout again, because i’m a giant crackhead.

i have a crush, i have a crush, i have a crush. been a while.

august 2003

august 29th to september 1st, 2003 (megolodon)

i’m listening to… “cute without the e (cut from the team)” by taking back sunday [pop-punk], “the quiet things that no one knows” by brand new [pop-punk].
i’m feeling… alright.

friday, august 29th — went down to portand with gareth… haha went to a freaking LAN @ holiday inn… lololol… geektacular. i was the only gal there… supplies supplies. it was really boring at some parts and alright some other parts… hmm i knew an okay amount of people though… gareth, hsu-ken, arlen, brett [buchholtz], brett [murphy], and trask… met some other dudes i sort of knew but didn’t really knew. interesting. but odd. later that night we decided to go watch the drive-thru tour in portland (at the crystal ballroom) and the two bretts already had their tickets while everyone else (me, trask, his girlfriend ashlee, and zach aka messiah) did not… so we tried buying the tickets there. unfortunately, tickets sold out just a few minutes before we got there, and it sucked big time. =/ so the two bretts went and we just went to mcdonald’s and then back to the hotel… *snore. meh… later that night i stayed at trask’s house… his house just has like sleeping bags and beds everywhere; it’s bizarre. unfortunately, i slept on the hardest freaking futon crap i’ve ever slept on in my life… it was like a wood plank. lol.

saturday, august 30th — woke up early, took a shower, went back to hotel… woopie dooda! was bored out of my mind for the first half of the day and then around afternoonish / nightish i started ringing for like four different teams (since the tournament finally ended or whatevr) and it was alright then… yadda yadda… had trask take me back to his house to get my shiet and then went to spend the night at hsu-ken’s… he lives in the middle of the boonies but dang, his house is niiiiice. so big! and he has horse stables and a badminton court and pool and bbq patio thing and crap… lol. horse stable with no horses. nice =) we pretty much just went to bed because by the time we got there it was like 4 am or something O__o;

sunday, august 31st — bleh… woke up and we all went to the mall because i told hsu-ken to take me shopping since oregon is tax-free… but i felt bad dragging them around with me even though they weren’t complaining like guys normally do… just that i felt bad, in case they were really dying inside. did end up buying a shirt from hot-topic though… an incubus tee… it was only $12.50 or so! really good for hot topic-ness. =) that night we went to this guy’s house and had a “bad movie night”… which was surprisingly awesome. the first movie we watched was “shark attack 3: megalodon”…. LOL! the best worst movie i’ve ever seen. honestly, you wouldn’t understand unless you saw it, but it’s fucking hilarious. don’t watch it by yourself, but really, really, it is a terrific party movie. it’s so hilarious. if you’ve seen it, tell me. LOL. it makes me laugh just thinking about it. and then we watched “snake island” which was another crappy movie… but this one wasn’t quite as funny, even though it had its random hilarious moments. i’ve come to the conclusion that really low-budget films use sexuality as a way of promoting their movies, as both of these movies just had random skanky girls in many a scene. =/ oh man, damn though… good times.

monday, september 1st — pretty much ate a weekend of fast-food and / or greasy ass food in oregon. so this afternoon we just went out to eat dinner and played some videogames at nezumi‘s house… and then me and g came back up north. nothing too special. three-hour drive through boonie lands. wOoha.

so confused.

—

august 28th, 2003 (i awnt attention)

i’m listening to… “cute without the e (cut from the team)” by taking back sunday [pop-punk], “the day i tried to live” by soundgarden [rock], “no cigar” by millencolin [pop-punk], “boogie” by eternal [ambient drum'n'bass], “twilight butterflies” by darkhalo [ambient], “listen” by instant winner [ska].
i’m feeling… hrm.

1:25 am — everyone is just stumbling and gravitating towards the things they do they best… wanting attention from everything that they can get it from. it’s true. people continue to do things a lot of times simply because of the attention, company, pride, etc. that they get from it. this applies to nearly everything. people do art because they get credited for their genius. people write so people can acknowledge their talent. bleh.

it’s easy to say that you don’t care what people think of you, but it’s really not true… for anyone. in high school i was all naive and crap – i guess you could say – and i was convinced that the world would accept me for every single flaw and attitude that i held. and i was convinced it didn’t matter what people thought of me, and what was most important was being myself in every situation. but it’s not true, and not possible. you can’t always act the way you want to, or say the things you want to… although some people obviously do it more than others. it’s impractical, and EVERYONE cares what SOMEONE thinks. even the people who get 800 piercings. even the people who tattoo their whole bodies. the people who make stupid comments in class. the people who reject everything popular. the people who accept everything popular. goths. ravers. punks. hip-hop fanatics. druggies. players. spoiled brats. these people may look like dumbasses in the way they present themselves – to some – but in their own minds there is always that silent call for attention. it’s always about attention. all human beings want is attention… i am convinced of this. these people do the things that they think are cool in their minds. we want to be recognized for our abilities, and if we’re lacking in that, we want to be recognized for what our interest represents. it’s no wonder that people don’t usually continue doing things that have little to no positive return for them.

such a long way everyone has gone… i miss people.

it’s weird how some people you can know for ten million years and never feel comfortable around, and some people you can know for barely any length of time and feel totally at ease with… no? weird. humans are weird. ^__^

portland tomorrow, for reals. i hope this will give me some time to ease up and hopefully fix myself a little. whatever that means =)

as the rappers say, “check yoself befo you wrek yoself.” -__-;
hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens.
a thousand clever lines, unread on clever napkins.
i will never ask if you don’t ever tell me.
i know you well enough to know you never loved me.
and will you tell all your friends
you’ve got your gun to my head?
this all was only wishful thinking.
* TAKING BACK SUNDAY – CUTE WITHOUT THE E *—

august 27th, 2003 (…)

i’m listening to… “still laughing” by lostprophets [rock], “ocean avenue” by yellowcard [punk].
i’m feeling… hrm.

10:42 pm — going to portland tomorrow for the weekend.

hsu-ken had better take me shopping. tax-free, man. and i finally got paid today… $485. i dig it.

might stay til monday… depends on whether or not lingo still wants to go to bumbershoot.
come take a look,
because all this could mean that i…
don’t really care who ends up getting hurt.
please take a look,
if it’s judgment versus instinct,
how do i feel
when my feelings don’t even work?
i’m still waiting;
i still breathe…
that’s a sign that i’m still me.
i’m still breathing;
i can see…
so i must be alive for real.
yet, funny, it’s not me…
* LOSTPROPHETS – STILL LAUGHING *—

august 26th, 2003 (mer)

i’m listening to… “april story” by jang nara [korean], “cleansing thunder” by darkhalo [ambient].
i’m feeling… eh.

3:31 am — i think people continue life clinging on to anything that will give them the most satisfaction and relief… yes, that is all.

the more i get to know people, the more fucking sick and tired i am. why do people act like they know every bit about you when they clearly don’t? meh, i do it too… it’s yet another of many weaknesses and mistakes in human creation. the biggest of these mistakes the creation itself…

mer… everything only provides temporary relief… for me, it’s writing… and when the words run out, the feeling is hard to stand. i wish i were one of those people who could draw absolutely amazingly… because then i would do that all the time… any time… there’s so many images in my head but none of which i have the artistic ability to imitate, and it sucks. some people are so godamn amazing it’s hard to believe. =/

saw “i-spy” earlier… like ten, fifteen minutes ago… it’s an owen wilson and eddie murphy movie. retarded.

oh, and you know what are fucked up? guilt trips… fucked up!! fucked up!!

—

august 25th, 2003 (withdraw & disappear)

i’m listening to… “dosed” by the red hot chili peppers [rock].
i’m feeling… alone.

1:27 am — another night, another dream, and i can’t sleep. =/

this past weekend i went to lollapalooza, with incubus, a perfect circle, audioslave, the donnas, jurassic 5, and jane’s addiction. i would write more about it, but i previously wrote a very in-depth review on it for virtuallyinfamous.com so i hardly feel like repeating it again. now is not the time. but i’m going to add a concert review section to my page sometime soon, so maybe i can do that then.

i want to buy my own domain… i’m taking up way too much space on diana‘s. i feel absolutely horrible. tomorrow, i’m going to work on deleting more stuff. =/ only deleted a little bit so far… bleh.

laughter is the best medicine… there’s no joke about it. happiness is the only thing that can keep you grounded, and when you don’t have it, that’s when you get fucked up. and stay that way.

i don’t have anything good to say, so i’ll stop here. also why i haven’t posted in a long time… i just don’t care.

every day is a nightmare.

someone help me out.

—

august 16th, 2003 (hermit crabs)

i’m listening to… “cadillac ass” by the revolution smile [metal], “today is in my way” by mxpx [pop-punk], “motions” by intense [ambient drum'n'bass], “absolute zero” by konlict [drum'n'bass], “just aorund the riverbend” in the pocohontas movie [disney soundtrack], “funkytown” by lipps inc. [crazy 80's music that i heard on malcolm in the middle and looked up], “thanks for nothing” by sum 41 [pop-punk], “lounge act” by nirvana [rock], “sunray 2″ by goldie and j-majik [drum'n'bass], “better living through chemistry” by queens of the stoneage [metal], “doorway” by the usual suspects [drum'n'bass].
i’m feeling… okay.

3:28 am — this will be uber quick because i’m hella sleepy and crap. +__+;; just felt like i should jot down a little something something since i haven’t written anything in here in 80,000 years. yes, that long.

well what have i been up to these days, you ask??? much of nothing. been sitting around, playing games, listening to music, went to work once, sat around some more… tis the life of a hermit crab. hmm i’ll recall things as far back as i can remember… which isn’t all that far i suppose.

a couple days ago my roommate kristine‘s cousin arrived from alaska… didn’t really talk to her, though… being that we are all hermit crabs. o__O

as of late i have a mad obsession with cutting up old magazines, new magazines, magazines, and crap. i just cut them up like mad and stick them all over the place and make collages and crap out of them. i don’t really know why, but it’s horribly fun. i just freaking love cutting up paper although it just leaves a huge mess afterwards with giant shards of crap everywhere… er, not shards… you know what i mean. hmm i will show a picture of my paper-ridden room and my magazine-cutout creations sometime… when i have time to finish and take pics of everything. i’m a crackhead, for reals. OCD, wOotwOot.

hmm so yesterday — which seems to be as far back as i can remember, since i don’t do anything worthwhile — i went to work to fix up some crap that needed to be fixed and crap, and that took a couple of hours… i love my job… it’s so fun came home, did nothing, played games, cleaned my room up a SMIDGEN (it’s been a week of mad crazy messiness, but it’s slowly slowly getting slightly slightly better).

roar… eyes getting tired. need to mail out the atlantis ticket to richard [lee] tomorrow before it is too godamn late to use this crap X__x; it’s next saturday… ROAR!!!!

at night went to bubble tea with hsu-ken and ended up discovered sebastian, gildas, and some other fools there. all good fun, especially the mix of bubble tea and JENGA, which is what i tend to do every time at bubble tea with any mixture of people. jenga owns you. especially UNO JENGA! and they have like truth or dare jenga, but that never did quite float well with me because i am not down for that DARE crap. i’m a wussy. a pussy. a vagina, some people say.

today… did nothing, did some more of nothing, and gareth came over from the dirty south aka auburn aka hickville or something. he brought me burned CD’s! the new THRICE and the new YELLOWCARD… YAY!!! they’re both quite good! i never knew, but thrice is a christian band… wowowowow? anyway, he came over, and me, him, and eva sat around eating and talking and eating and talking. well, i was the only one eating. ^__^ i need to learn to cook better, for real. for reals. rawr. we got bored, so i played some online poker and crap, and gareth tried to fix the out of tune strings on my crappy guitar (but to no avail), and eva watched some tv… and then hsu-ken and eddie came over after spending an exciting day at lan, and we went to eat, because that’s what we always do, at IHOP. fucking expensive ass place… crackwhores! who wants to pay $7.00 for pancakes?? really? that could buy me pancakes for a week man! or maybe not; i don’t really know how much pancakes cost, honestly.

so… i really don’t want to spend all that much money, and i probably won’t… but fucking, next saturday is lollapalooza, right? i already have tickets and i HAVE to go because it’s two of my favorite bands — incubus and a perfect circle — playing, BUT that night is a rave called “grooveside”, and the DJ lineup is fucking amazing. the drum’n'bass lineup… OMFG. reid speed, dieselboy, and tc izlam, all hella fucking good and crap… reid speed is a girl who spins like melodic dnb, dieselboy everyone knows, and tc izlam is kinda bouncy dnb… don’t know, like… ez rollers kind of crap, sorta. god, it’s going to be soooo fucking good dnb wise… i hella want to go, but it’s almost thirty bucks, and that’s like blowing almost a hundred in one day on entertainment crap… and i don’t have that kinda monies at the moment >__< so hey, if anyone wants to donate to me, DONATE, cause, OMFG, that shit is going to be OFF DA HIZZO… bleh, i’m an idiot. why does it have to be on the same fucking night, man.

so wow, you guys all heard about the massive power outage along the east coast and southern parts of canada, no? that’s freaking crazy. we talked to my boss yesterday and she was saying she had to walk home four hours (she happened to go vacatoin in nyc) because she was in the movie theatre and the power went out. she got her money back for the movie, though! but yeah, that’s freaking crazy that one little thing (whatever it is) could make such a humongous impact. *curious and curiouser.

ANYHOO.
over the span of tonight and last night, we concluded these things about girls:
(1) girls are stupid. guys can say anything to a girl and they’ll believe it. example in point: this samoan / black guy who gets all these girls told this crazy white girl that he had never kissed a girl before, so she spent the whole night teaching him how to kiss. c’mon now. he doesn’t live in a cave and he doesn’t live like a troll. he’s this huge football playing black dude; i mean, c’mon now.
(2) korean girls who look like hyori won’t date you unless you’re korean. just a generalization, but i’m pretty sure this holds true.
(3) korean girls have the power in relationships. the boys are the pawns. in OUR generation in the united states, anyway.
(4) girls are stupid. this guy has a girlfriend who he is cheating on with another girl, and he is getting poon from both. the girl who is NOT his girlfriend always sleeps with him or w/e because she likes him a lot, and he tells her every time that he likes her a lot and is going to break up with his girlfriend soon. EVERY TIME. but why would he? if he’s getting poon from both?! i mean really?

yes… so girls are stupid, guys are dicks, and everyone just sucks. end of story. some parting lyrics for you!!!!
can you hear the desperate cries that are calling out your name?
twisting your arms, holding out their hands, and tugging at your sleeve;
do you feel this underlying sense of urgency, or are you just as blind as me?
i can’t bear the thought of losing; i dread the attention winning brings.
and ever since the day i came, i can’t stand without your strings.
i’m so sick of these people, but i’m scared to be alone,
and if this life has taught me anything, i forgot it long ago.
and so i hit the ground and i’m still running, but i need a place to stay tonight.
i swear i’ll be gone in the morning; i just need somewhere warm to close my eyes.
RISE AGAINST – VOICES OFF CAMERA—

august 7th, 2003 (oh man!)

i’m listening to… “clark gable” by the postal service [digi-emo?]
i’m feeling… pain in my wrists haha.

2:45 am — oh man, i played so much cs today!! -__-; it’s kind of disgusting!! carpal tunnel! carpal tunnel is my best future mate. oy vey!

and i got like three more paper cuts today. go figure.

bumbershoot is the end of this month!!! so many good concerts this month; it’s amazing. bumbershoot will have evanescence, the juliana theory, black-eyed peas, the roots, american hi-fi, common, and numerous other acts covering various different genres of music. it should be awesome. and only $15 for the whole day almost.

more lyrics that i’m feeling:
i want so badly to believe that “there is truth, that love is real”.
and i want life in every word to the extent that it’s absurd.
i know you’re wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?
* THE POSTAL SERVICE – CLARK GABLE *—

august 6th, 2003 (tomorrow might be worth something)

i’m listening to… “unwell” by matchbox twenty [alternative].
i’m feeling… …

4:13 am — i’m listening to this song on repeat… my freaking song of the day. i relate to the lyrics so well… =/

i’m trying to figure things out and figure out myself and it is just so fucking hard. most people are searching to figure out who they are in high school, and throughout high school, i always knew who i was. now that i’ve come to college and i see all these things that aren’t what i thought they were all cracked out to be, my freaking ideal little bubble world is burst and i don’t know how to deal with anything. i don’t know who i am or what i’m doing or what i will be doing. i know how i act and how i am right now is unacceptable and unhealthy, but i don’t really care enough to make changes. i care that it isn’t what i should be doing, but i don’t do what i should be. it’s just so easy to sink down further when you’re already in a slump than try to make it work. i don’t even fucking know… it’s just so… blah.

it seems to be summarized like this: no one is left to care or save you and it’s just another story book tale, littering song lyrics and poetry books, pushing away the major details. the details that life isn’t perfect and that nothing lasts forever, because all the things you’d love to hear are merely dreams you conjur. =/

i really don’t do much these days except on weekends, and people think it’s boring, but i don’t really. i don’t think it’s all that healthy. i have very little problem with spending a lot of time alone, and sometimes it is preferable… i guess i am an introvert. you know, i really don’t even know.

and i get all these weird cuts everywhere… i have no idea how or where i get them from… i just wake up in the morning with a bajillion cuts all the time. well, not a bajillion.

i know people like to talk about happy things and write about happy things as to not make other people feel badly, but mostly this is for myself, and not as much for other people (even though it is on my website), and if it seems like i’m bitching all the time, it’s how i’m feeling… not good, for sure, but whatever. i don’t want to fake it and act like things are okay when they’re not. you’ll know it when i’m happy too.
all day staring at the ceiling,
making friends with shadows on my wall.
all night, hearing voices telling me
that i should get some sleep,
because tomorrow might be good for something.
hold on,
feeling like i’m headed for a breakdown,
and i don’t know why.
but i’m not crazy, i’m just a little unwell;
i know right now you can’t tell.
but stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
a different side of me.
out of all the hours of thinking,
somehow i’ve lost my mind.
* MATCHBOX TWENTY – UNWELL *—

august 4th, 2003 (meh)

i’m listening to… “sleeping to dream”, “the remedy”; all by jason mraz [light rock].
i’m feeling… okay… dry ass contacts man… yowza!!

11:10 pm — haven’t written in here in a while… i’ve been busy… doing nothing. check out this website if you’re into political stuff or just artsy fartsy stuff: http://www.adbusters.org. it’s a pretty cool magazine that my work gets… the art is supppperbbb!!!

got drunk with a bunch of people at josh and janine‘s apartment on saturday… fun, fun.

bleh.

july 2003

july 30th, 2003 (blahlbah)

i’m listening to… our school’s radio station, rainydawg.com. it was rock, but it’s hip-hop now. i suppose this is enlightening me to modern hip-hop, or perhaps killing my brain cells once again. we shall see. hopefully the guest deejay this time isn’t a dumbass like last time =/
i’m feeling… blah.

5:02 pm — i am freaking bored out of my mind at work… there is absolutely nothing for me to do and i don’t know where my boss went… and she has stuff that i have to correct for the magazine rough draft… *snore. i should just go home, but i don’t want to leave without saying bye or something. yadda yadda. i finally updated my webpage a smidgen… but not all that much. tonight = study study study, for the first time for all of summer school. i told my teacher that the reason i’ve been missing so many classes is because i’m sick, though… i think i tell every professor that (if it’s a small class) every quarter… =/ i’m hopeless.

so… for those of you in so-cal, will you guys be there in september or will you be up north?? let me know… and give me dates if you can… so i can decide if i want to just go home to nor-cal or go to both… =P

i want to go snowboarding… that sounds really really good right now. snow… ah, jeah.

new a perfect circle song debuted on the radio station here (107.7 the end) yesterday… i think it is alright… i have to listen to it a lot to make a real decision about it. rather mellow though. the album hits stores on september 15th or so, i think. meaning… i will have to buy it. if you are an apc fan, check out aperfectcircle.org. that’s not their official website, but it has some downloads, cover art, etc. i don’t think that anyone who reads this really cares. -__-;

rawr. i wanna learn flash… aw, jea. and illustrator too. BAH! summer school sux0rz.

so i really don’t have much worthwhile to say, but i am waiting for my boss to get out of a meeting, so i am just going to type here anyway (aka no one interesting on AIM). why do people use MSN… man, MSN sucks… with that little pop-up pOopness. jah. monkey. o( ( ^ – ^ ) )o

i think it’s funny how some people find it offensive that i call them “monkey”… when in fact monkey is a term of endearment because i loooooove monkeys. they’re so cool.

blah, blah. played tennis with lingo yesterday… dang, it’s been 40,000 years since i’ve played tennis! whoahoa! hella hot and stuff… almost unbearable. i walked that mile or whatever to work today and was all freaking sweaty and stuff… it was pretty gross. =__=;

you know i think hip-hop is freaking awesome when you just listen to the instrumentals, but i really don’t like the rapping most of the time haha. =/ that’s why i like trip-hop… a lot of it is hip-hop beats but not rapping… either no vocals or singing… cause rapping is just… BLAH. me and hyun-sOo have a bet on who can write the best rap… lol. =/ haven’t done it yet though. should be fun. in all honesty, i don’t think it would be that hard, but we’ll see after i actually write one. lol. freestyling is hard. writing raps is not, i don’t think. O__o; pz.

—

july 28th, 2003 (wtf is wrong with the usa)

i’m listening to… “every night’s another story” by the early november [emo], “i want to hear you sad” by the early november [emo], “fu-geela” by the fugees [hip-hop].
i’m feeling… disgusted.
link of the day… (more for my reference than yours)… http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com… that shit hella interests me… dunno why =/

1:13 am — wtf is wrong with the usa?? seriously?? excerpt from an article… full article can be read at http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=6&u=/ap/20030729/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/terror_market_10.:

“WASHINGTON – The Pentagon (news – web sites) is setting up a stock-market style system in which investors would bet on terror attacks, assassinations and other events in the Middle East. Defense officials hope to gain intelligence and useful predictions while investors who guessed right would win profits.”

wtf… man, seriously… god, this pisses me off… WTF how can you bet on people’s lives and shit; this is fucking ridiculous.
make your way down the face
of everything you know.
go so far, see other places, and
other people i won’t know about.
make it sound so good
that i won’t be right
and i walk alone tonight
outside my house and outside my mind;
no matter what i say,
i’m never right.
breathe in deep.
let it out slow.
did you hear?
it’s all my fault again.
i know why no one else knows;
why i’m here all alone again.
* THE EARLY NOVEMBER – EVERY NIGHT’S ANOTHER STORY *

july 2003

OLD JUNE ENTRIES THAT I LEFT OUT

june 28th, 2003 *argh*
i’m listening to… “blue day” bai american hi-fi [punk], “global clubbing rendezvous” bai dj tiesto and paul van dyke [trance].
i’m feeling… meh.

6:56 pm — the last few days i have been surrounded by couples… and it sux0r. -__- too many couples = sickening! rawr… :L *just jealous.

well actually partly but not really. dude, i don’t see how guys go out with girls at all. girls are fucking annoying!!!!!!

went to divalicious rave yesterday… high… boring as freaking shit poop. -__- talked to probably… one person that i didn’t know… weeee, how exciting. probably talked to like five people that i did know… canibus ==> antisocialdom for me. rawr. boring, boring, boring. no one even has fun @ parties anymore; i don’t even know why we still go. boring lives. i need new friends.

the day before yesterday i had a meeting for work from like 10 am to 4 pm… weeee… -__-; soo much freaking food left over… i took home like four bananas and almost a whole pizza because there was so much stuff left over. bah humbug. i’m a fat monkee. o( ( T . T ) )o but yesah it was like ten anti-tobacco kids… they were cooler than i was expecting them to be i was expecting something like a bunch of big geeks, but not really.

i’m bored again. thinking about going to the computer lab because i have no life. there’s nothing to do and everyone is out with their significant others. oh, boring life…

rawr.

and i somehow squandered away all my monies too… it’s blowing my mind.
. . .
 

june 23rd, 2003 *oo ee oo aa aa*
i’m listening to… the whirring of my loudass freaking computer.
i’m feeling… okay.

2:22 am — so, my final paper for english got sent home and i got a 2.5 on it because i missed the ‘mandatory meeting’ we had to talk about it. fucking… i could have gotten a really good grade on it but i am a fuck-up. i hope i don’t repeat the mistakes of last quarter because things just didn’t feel right… lost the motivation to do anything. hopefully it will be better this summer quarter… :/ now how to explain it to the parents? they’re going to freak over my grades this quarter… they are absolutely horrific. i even amazed myself. and then, after they kick my ass for that, they’re going to kick my ass for my eyebrow piercing :/ sigh. i think they will care this time.

so the dilemma of the moment is that we are living in seungbum‘s apartment right now and we need to move out by june 30th, but i can’t move into my new place until july 1st. what to do? what the hell to do. =__=;; move-in day is going to be one big fucking mess. i can’t handle this stress! right now it’s pretty much like i have four roommates… josh, janine, seungbum, and sometimes marcela… interesting. things are hectic. i don’t know.

i should be sleeping because i have to work tomorrow but i’m not used to sleeping freaking early… -__-; blahzay blahzay. went out to dinner tonight with the people from cluster on the 11th floor… hsuken, eddie, dan, and hojo… really odd because apparently hojo’s brother has been coming to my website for like three years and he just saw lewis‘ picture on here the other day and realized that i might know his brother… which i do… which is odd. small world. =__=;

i miss the internet. -__-;

can’t wait to move into the new apartment really… BRAND SPANKIN NEW. should be terrific, i hope. i have a billion phone calls to make and a billion errands to run though, but it is hard to sort out a schedule that works well. i’ve been eating so many sweets to further propell my likely-to-appear diabetes… so, fucking shit, i really need to stop doing that. -__-; they say eating peanut butter helps ward off diabetes but i’m not too sure what i think about that yet. i think i’ll probably go buy some tomorrow thought or something… it couldn’t hurt… -__-;

i need a boy. it’s been TOO long. i think i’m going to end up being one of those single old wrinkling piles of stinking flesh. -__-; (watching too much invader zim as of late, because invader zim owns all your bones… it’s a cartoon for those of you who don’t know, and those of you who don’t know must go watch it).

me and janine went to the computer lab on the downstairs of terry hall for like an hour and a half earlier too… and then we went to go visit matt [nomura]… wheeeeeee. it’s weird because everyone who lives in lander over the summer seems to be a minority… O__o; last year was fun. too bad this year was so fucking LAME!!!!!! rawr. :/
. . .
 

june 22nd, 2003 *kid with divorcing parents*
i’m listening to… usher’s “08701″ album. ^__^ [r&b/hip-hop]
i’m feeling… like a kid with divorcing parents.

7:38 pm — went to nohrehbang for freaking four hours yesterday with josh, janine, bo, miyo, jae, and saeyoon… it’s been a long time… ALL FREE TOO!!! much thx to jae for the free nrb cause his parents own it ^__^ OWNAGE… we went from freaking 4 am to 8 am… lol. so weird. i <3 the singing *sigh.

seungbum was supposed to be home yesterday but he’s still not here… not sure where that boy is O__o;;; blah… ate pho earlier. blah.

usher is so good.

i feel like a kid with divorcing parents, for reals. two of my friends are having relationship problems and i am living with one while i am really good friends with the other… so i hear opinions on both of their parts and from each side their points seem to be valid but when they are put together it kinda makes a result that you don’t know what to do with. they both ask me for advice and what the other thinks and what they should do but i don’t feel like i know what they should be doing because i know ABOUT it, but i’m not a PART of it… also i don’t think it’s really good for me to give advice about relationships because it’s something i don’t really know anything about and also any decisions regarding a long-term relationship would be very serious and it should be something that they decide on their own :/ it’s sad though… i can sort of feel like what little kids with divorcing parents are like because i hear both sides of the story but no matter what your opinion, you want them to stay together because there is something about it being the USUAL… the constant… that you don’t want to change. i don’t know. it’s weird. :/ well, that’s about it. rablah! >__<;; hope things work out okay ;O

oh yeah i got the coolest belts from anchor blue the other day… one is one of those seatbelt belts that i’ve wanted FOREVER and the other is with two rows of grommets on a clear plastic belt… awesommmmme! rawr!

sigh i need to go home… it’s been so long since i’ve actually had a stay at home for more than a few weeks… and i don’t think i will be able to get more than a few weeks this whole year… i’m fucking dying here :/ i miss everything and everyone and godammit, it just feels like a downwards spiral to nowhere… most people’s grades get better after they come to college… mine get worse. i need a fucking break… i need to go home, just relax, and not think about bullshit. i don’t want to be working here, but i have to. god… life fucking sucks… i’m still waiting for something to prove me otherwise, but i don’t think it will ever happen.

so anyway, i’m convinced that the end of senior year and the summer after it was the best time of my life so far… haven’t felt so accepted and comfortable since then :/ sigh i miss things.
. . .
 

june 21st, 2003 *blah blah blah*
* i’m listening to…“japanese girlfriend’ bai layman’s terms [rock].
i’m feeling… okay.

7:13 pm — to tell about my past week or so of fun in the sun (right). just pretty much been going to work everyday and hanging out at seungbum‘s apartment… wee. -__- went to pc bang twice… six dollars for an hour at one of them! four at the other! jeebus christ >__<;; got drunk once with janine, [pika-]john, and scottie… and it was really nasty alcohols!!! bacardi 151, hennessey, and alizee… all fucking nasty as shit! >__<; oh well. whatever. took some pics and i’m going to put them up on the webpage soon so be on the lookout and shietz. ^__^ that is about all. bye! >__<;
. . .
 

june 14th, 2003 *this won’t be updated for a while -__-*
i’m listening to…“fall” bai something corporate [punk], “final feeling” bai layman’s terms (they’re really good!!) [rock], “free to fly” bai h.o.t. [korean].
i’m feeling… alright.

10:02 pm — interesting days these past few days O__o;; not sure what i thinka bout everything. just got back from dinner with janine and sunoh… we ate at mom’s teriyaki and had kahlkooksoo… yummy!

moved out of the dorms these past couple days with the help of josh and janine… i owe them big time. won’t be able to get online for like four weeks or so… we’re staying at seungbum‘s apartment for a couple of weeks even though he’s not going to be here… -__-; and there’s no cable and no internet and no nothing and it’s mighty boring if i do say so myself. and it’s only the first day!!! this few weeks will be chock full with a whole shitload of movie watching until i can move into nordheim on july 1st… and i’m going home to cali that same day… although pretty much no one will be home. what a crappy year, for reals.

moving out was sort of fun though… although it was a pain in the ass of course, but we devised all these creative ways to move stuff like putting it on a skateboard and skating it out… and josh wore chairs on his back… uhhh doesn’t really make sense unless you see it. yesterday when we were moving stuff into seungbum’s apartment, there was this big dumb bird who was perched on this shopping cart that we wanted to use… and josh kept poking at it and we took flash photography over and over again and it had no freaking reaction… so josh put it in a freaking box and we kept it in this spare room in my dorm cluster… and freaking woke up this morning and found this towel to be infested with fucking bugs… sooooo freaking sick… they were little black bugs… hella small… dunno what they were though. and the freaking bird was just infested with them… SICK! whoever lives in that cluster next year is going to get jacked like a crazy monkey!!! -_____-;;;;

i feel like i’m camping!!! or having a gigantic sleepover or something!!! rawr!!!!! hope people call me and entertain me these next couple of weeks ;O

couple days ago went drinking with tony at melissa‘s… freaking odd… i took one and a half shots of grey goose and i got home and it was just mind boggling that i got drunk from drinking barely any when the beginning of the year i could take like five… O__o;;

oh yeah and my RA put out this table for people to throw their old stuff and i got a bunch of shit… like lotion… fairy wings… white board… ^__^ nate is a genius.

fucking this morning… i had to clean out the whole fucking cluster because i was the last person around… which is perfectly fine by me but what pissed me off was that my clustermate suzanne‘s mother was like, “we need to divide up the cleaning duties because we sure aren’t going to do it all ourselves…” with the tone of voice that implied i was just going to sit around and let them do all the work… fucking ho… and then we decided i would clean the fridge and they would vacuum and they just left leaving me to do everything… fucking hoes… it’s not even that i had to do the work… although the fridge was fucking disgusting jesus christ… but what pissed me off was that she talked to me in such a way that made it seem like she was better than me or something… homie, plz. fuck off… fucking old ass bitchy ass whore! RAWR! -__-

but seriously… with the cleaning… how the FUCK do you get hairs into the freaking microwave?!?!?! everywhere else i can see… but the microwave?????

anyways… don’t know what i’ll be doing for the next two weeks… fucking no CS unless we go to pc bang for four weeks or so *dying… -__-;; missing AIM already. ^__^

oh yeah not even a week ago we went to usc afterparty right… and there was this one skater guy there who was just freaking gorgeous… well, he worked at the restaurant we went to… indian / mediteranean food… and he was a waiter there… and CRAP i should have said something but i didn’t think of even talking to him :/ now if we go back it will be like… not time-consistent. :/

—

july 25th, 2003 (music got in my pants)

i’m listening to… my school’s radio station (rainydawg.com).
i’m feeling… like i’m losing brain cells.

3:36 pm — so… this is really random but apparently eminem has been receiving death threats and shit, so he has just been hiring secret service as bodyguards and holing himself up in his house. but that’s not the point… my point is that i’m listening to my school’s radio station because there’s nothing better to listen to at work and it is a hip-hop section right now… and the dj has guests and one of them is this ex-football player gone rapper… his name is hill b or something… omg, he fucking sucks… i can feel my brain cells slowly dying… seriously, some of the stuff they played earlier like blackalicious and the roots and shit were pretty good but this shit, omg. my brain. the last song by him kept saying “pass the pussy, pass the pussy.” i hate how people can bitch about eminem talking about homosexuals or whatever but then don’t say a thing when all these rappers are like “i like these bitches licking on my cock and sucking my balls because they don’t mean a damn thing to me unless they pass the pussy.” like, wtf? wtf? bullshit. and then two seconds later he has another song that is like, “i don’t want you just for the pussy, and if you want to take it slow, that’s fine by me too.” i mean, who are you fooling, writing two such contradictory songs. -__-; and playing them almost back-to-back. pfft.

but yeah, as far as my school’s radio station goes — i applied for a slot for fall semester, so hopefully i get one. twould be fun. also… i started summer school yesterday but i haven’t gone the first two days… i don’t know… little motivation to do anything. i’m so burnt out from nothing =/ hella just wanna fuck around, you know? =/ there’s just so much shit to do and so little time to do it… i don’t see how some people who are my age work all the fucking time and can stand it. i hate working. why does anyone want to be OLD jeezus. with age comes too much responsibility.

“something about the music got into my pants.” is what this current song is saying.

i’m at work. it’s not too shabby, but i’m still bored. luckily i can internet away all i want, but i don’t really chat to people on AIM much anymore… so i don’t really have anything to do. i don’t really talk to people anymore in general -__-;; losing my communication skills, if ever i had any.

so freaking, the new a perfect circle song is coming out next tuesday… the album, i’m not sure when, but FUCKING EXCITED AM I. they are so damn good ;O can’t wait to see them in a month ^__^ less than a month, actually. and drive-thru tour is the end of next month… finally, i get to see ALLISTER again. w00t.

hella bad allergies lately… can barely breathe.

i hate washington… there ain’t jack shit to do in this hellhole. i need to get a boyfriend or something. jeebus. i hate having all friends with boysfriends and girlfriends. and i hate not having a car. and there ain’t shit to do but go raving (in fact, there is one tonight), but fuck that shiet, cause it’s damn boring as crap. -__-

omg, please, if you want to hear some shitty music, check out hill b. especially his song, “hill b”… in which he says, “my name is hill b, h-i-double-l-b, not albie or elbie”… like, who the fuck cares. the whole song is about his name being hill b. who the hell cares! are you a kindergartener arrrr… -__-; i like how people who are rich and famous think that anything they do is hella good and shit… this guy is hella cocky even though he is retarded as fuck, like omg, i hate poeple so much.

there’s like no way for me to download new musax at school now because we’re not allowed to use kazaa (i don’t think) and the old file-sharing program we had is down =/ so if anyone wants to dl songs for me, i would be grateful… i have a whole fatty list of songs i want that i got from listening to rainydawg =/

back to killing my braincells.

oh yes. and me and richard [lee] made a no-drugs pact, so neither of us can do drugs, other than smoking cigarettes / using tobacco and drinking alcohol. so, we’ll see how this goes.

oh shit, now it’s drum’n'bass. drum’n'bass @ work… oh, man, nothing beats this. dnb for life ;O

—

july 20th, 2003 (i wanna be a toys r us kid)

i’m listening to… sum 41′s “does this look infected?” album [punk].
i’m feeling… hrm.

11:53 pm — well, i went to sleep @ 8 pm but then seungbum and marcela stopped by and they woke me up at 11 and i couldn’t really go back to sleep, so here i am.

i have the fattest bee in my room… i just threw a magazine at it and it kind of disappeared for a while and it resurfaced again now. it’s like a superfly, seriously. it’s so huge and fat it looks like a bee… *shudder. this place gets hella bugs and shit even though there is a screen on the window… i don’t see how that works. and i forgot to bring my allergy medicine from home! AGH!

oh yeah, just came back to washington today… yeah. my new apartment seriously owns.

had mad hangover from not eating last night and drinking… and then not eating this morning… it was absolutely horrible. never drinking two weekends in a row again. god, i hate alcohol. but i love it so. =\

oh yes what happened yesterday was… well, during the afternoon i went with richard and dottie and a bunch of their friends to room with a cue. and richard keeps secrets from me X__x which is another story…!!! and then… went home… and then me and sherry were trying to decide what to do so we decided to go drink and have a bonfire on the beach… so we called up the most random people and a lot of people who said they were going to go decided not to go and stuff… and it ended up being me, sherry, elaine, phil [hsieh], and my brother… and then nelson and jason came later. drank some, burned some, blah, blah, talked to some random groups of people and this one guy started talking to us about gay strip bars and stuff. interesting. people are so interesting… i love that kind of shit… just going around and meeting people. i wish it didn’t take alcohol or ecstasy or something for me to just meet random people without feeling intimidated. =/ i wish all people were less guarded in general. =/ oh yeah and i got hit on by some lesbian girl… she came over to our group and started talking to us and later she was like, “yeah, see that big group over there? we’re all gays and lesbians.” and we didn’t believe her at first… but then we asked this other girl and she’s like, “well, not everyone is, but a lot of them are… and she is.” and she kept saying how cute i was and asking where i went and saying she wanted to stand next to me in pictures and stuff :[ people say it's flattering, but i say it's just sad, because no guys hit on me, but lesbian girls hit on me. huk.

anyway, we got kicked off of the beach because the cops started towing cars... at around 2 am or something... and so we went to eat... except the girl who was leading us (my brother's friend) was retarded and she ran all these yellow lights even though there were two cars following behind her... and so we ran like three red lights. sherry called them and told them to stop doing that and woosh, two seconds later, she does it again. genius. -__-;

so we took like a whole fucking tour of san francisco, i swear, because the girl didn't know where the fuck she was going and shit -__-; so then ihop was closed so we went to this random diner and no one ordered food... just a whole bunch of milkshakes. i think the waiters were slightly irritated but i couldn't tell cause i was too drunken. and so closes that night.

2:16 am -- the irony is astounding... i can be a retarded psycho-depressed monkey all the time but when other people about their lives i am ridiculously optimistic about everything. i gave this guy advice today that apply 40,000x over in my own life, but i've never thought about it in that way... nor do i find it as easy as i thought it was when i told him. sigh.

so i have these two weird bumps on my arm that kinda hurt when you touch them and are dark red colored... which i am convinced came from some sort of giant bug... strange. O__o;; bah. work tomorrow. school in a couple of days. *brain overload. i want to vacation FOREVER. who wants to grow up anyway? -__-
it's no better today;
i never thought it would end up this way.
you got something to say?
don't wanna hear it if it gets in my way.
i hate you today;
i can't find a way.
don't drag me down now.
so what's the point of this hell?
i know you too well;
we're running backwards.
goodbye.
i've had enough frustration.
i won't get stuck.
goodbye.
this dead end situation:
it's just not worth my time.
I'M SO SICK OF
all this tension
not to mention
I'M SO SICK OF you.
* SUM 41 - YESTERDAY.COM *---

july 19th, 2003 (fucking fakers)

i'm listening to... nothing.
i'm feeling... eh.

4:28 am -- this will be quick because i'm drunk and tired and crap. i hate life. i hate boys. seriously. fucking fakers. godamn.

---

july 18th, 2003 (desperate for alcohol)

i'm listening to... nothing.
i'm feeling... eh.

1:04 am -- so today me and sherry went to watch "bad boys two"... it was alright. i thought the action sequences were WAY too long and went WAY too overboard... but whatever. the movie was like two and a half hours too... too freaking long -__-;;

and then sherry came over to eat dinner... and then we went to starbucks and ended up going to room with a cue to play pool (as usual) with phil [n], elaine, claire (who came back today), and grant (who – over the five years or whatever in which i haven’t seen him – got really really hot). yowza! hottie. =/

saw this guy i used to know in high school at room with a cue… that was really really really peculiar, i must say… because he looks TOTALLY different. i had a crush on him for the longest time, but yeah… whatever.

after playing pool for like freaking two hours, we went to sit around at safeway (well, me, sherry, and elaine anyway) because we were looking for alcohol and didn’t know anyone who could purchase any for us… and we asked one guy if he could purchase alcohol for us and he asked his friend who was 21, and his friend said that it was too late. and then there was another guy outside who we asked if he was 21 and he said, “no, i wish i was though.” and left us there, although his friend was buying alcohol inside. lamesauce. then there were a whole crapload of other people who came in (one of which sherry thinks was on mtv’s “fraternity life”), but by then we had ran out of guts after being rejected so often and didn’t really want to drink anymore anyway. “good times”.

—

july 17th, 2003 (only a few more days left)

i’m listening to… “nothing better” bai the postal service [digital-punk??], r.ef’s “the last” album [korean], and j’s “dim the lights” album [korean].
i’m feeling… okay.

8:45 pm — omfg, freaking there was supposed to be a rave this saturday called “atlantis”… a massive… and i bought tickets (almost cost $40) but now it is being postponed to august 23rd, when i’m not going to fucking BE here, and it doesn’t say anything on their website about ticket refunds or anything… like, wtf, am i supposed to do with this shit? some crazy raver freak who will be in the san francisco area at this time buy my godamn ticket plz.

12:45 am — every time i come home i have a whole crapload of time to think back and reflect and i’ve come to some conclusions… for one, i think i finally feel accepted by my parents… yeah they still have a cow if i’m out too late, but they’re a whole lot more lenient about it now… and they seem to understand that i have all these different quirks and random goals and they don’t ask me why or criticize really, just kind of nod their heads. like… like my mom knows i’m a big weirdo and i like weird stuff so she always gives me weird makeup that she gets… like purple lipstick and brown nail polish and stuff… freaking dope ass… and i bought all this fabric cause i wanted to make clothes and she’s just like oh okay. i think it’s cool. the only thing they really criticize about now is me being fat, but i would criticize myself about that too. oh wait! i do!

next thought was from digging through all my old letters… i have like four binders full of just junky letters and cards and stuff from all these random people… brings back so many memories. that’s what i love about REAL letters… if you keep them, they help you remember 10,000 things that your mind has long forgotten. which brings me to my next point… having forgotten with my mind and only read what i have in old letters leaves a lot of gaps mainly with timelines of things and reasons for certain things and what really happened, and it sucks, but it makes me realize the millions of things that i take for granted. needs change. sigh. stinky human beings.

i miss soooo many people… and recently i’ve started seeing so many random people and talking to so many random people again… it’s a good feeling. i just wish it would be possible to keep in touch with anyone all the time and it’s a shame that life is too hectic for that.