today was a bit balls.

this morning, i woke up @ 7:30 to get ready to go to san francisco to help tinwin take some photographs for her wedding. i feel rather ambivalent about it, in retrospect. it is like, 5 pm. stuff kicks off at 6. i have been stranded in and around wedding activities for what feels like a million pointless years. so extremely pointless. i have just been drawing by myself for the past couple hours. it is pointless because everyone else is a bridesmaid or a groomsman and i am just a human, here by myself. they seriously asked me to carry a cellular telephone while they were doing a photo shoot, and it felt kind of insulting, almost! slavery! i know it is “help” but i’ve already helped so much, and especially considering i am not great friends with the bride… it feels unfair anyway, and i know one is not to be expecting of things reciprocated for good deeds but right now that sounds nice. and i feel like an alien; these people are so different from i, talking about their favorite tv shows, what latest crap they bought online… and it all leaves me with a sick taste in my mouth and an even deeper dislike and boredom for weddings, in general. such excess and waste, and it pains me, yet i know i am being a total pompous judgmental ass in saying so.

the other day sherry was brainstorming for an hp project in which they had collected demographics of music lovers and realized they are mostly my age or my peers’. the studies they found also showed that this (our) generation is particularly nostalgic and resonates w/ music from the ’60s. this i know to be true from personal exp. in the music industry. this they know not for they (hp) are disconnected. the goal, then, is to brainstorm ideas w/ which they can find an “in” to this demographic. and though that is, innately, what advertising is, it sickened me to no end. and i said this. and sherry said, “thanks for making me hate my job,” and i realized i was being an ass, yet i am so strongly disdainful of the particular brand of consumerism most americans subscribe to that, seriously, it disgusts all fibers of my being. and while i like to look nice, i realize that people didn’t grow up like me and don’t feel this way because they don’t have the same experiences i do. it is one thing to realize this but separating it enough so that i am not thoroughly disgusted by it all is damn near impossible. my interests occupy an extremely esoteric niche and so i look down upon those who run the hamster wheel… but it is just… so judgmental. and i hate the concept of hating upon others for that, but it cannot be helped.

2:47am
… or, at least, it is difficult to help. i am to help it.

this all compounded by more feelings of inadequacies, from: a) people asking me questions about me — in a very nice way, with nothing but positive curiosities in mind — which make me “unique” but also point to how much i don’t exactly fit in; b) purgatory; c) my realizations that i am kind of an ass in an unintentional sense; and today was just an overall bad day. like, a really bad day. blazing realizations of the fourth kind. discomforting blurry haze. inwards braindead daydreams. friend disconnection resulting in them asking me what was wrong — something which used to happen consistently all the time, and hasn’t really happened in a long time. these days are dark.

las cruces + mesilla + albuquerque + santa fe, new mexico.

I had the luxury this week of taking an incredible duration of time to explore myself and my psyche. During the early parts of the week (March 21st, to be exact) and until early Friday morning (March 25th), critical thought was not entirely present… not that it was particularly lacking, but I was CouchSurfing at the time, or else traveling on busses and trains, and just generally exhausted from never getting that great a night’s sleep. From March 25th through March 28th, I rented a car. I must say that the amount of thinking this afforded me resulted in a lot of interesting thoughts, and I have generally emerged from this with some lessons learnt… whether for better or for worse… generally for better, I suppose, in the long run, though right at this very moment, I am at the Albuquerque airport, feeling like I am in some kind of purgatorial hell of my own creation. What I have, most of all, is all of the time ever to wait and to wait and to wait and to wait. That may be the number one lesson I’ve learned through this week’s-long adventure in New Mexico (with 3/4 of a day in Colorado)… and that is the importance of patience, patience, patience.

(Side note: there is this weird shop in this airport that is selling flavored popcorns with the weirdest flavors ever — including green apple-flavored popcorn. Though I was intending to snack on all of the existing food I had in my bag, I realized I had less food than I thought, and am actually slightly short of snackable foods for dinner, and it is only 4:00pm, and I will be flying through midnight! So, I’d really love to try that weird ass popcorn, but not enough to buy a giant bag for $4.00… I should probably eat a piece of fruit or some broccoli instead. We’ll see what is affordable and not too unhealthy…)

Anyway. I’m going to jump backwards in time and try to recap this past week as best as possible. This will be recapped out of order, and I will temporarily forgo writing about Israeli and Jordanian adventures, as well as writing about my SXSW experience of mega-weirdness this year. I suppose the New Mexico trip feels more immediate, and is therefore easier to write about, and so I’m going to do that, presently.

—

Sunday, March 20th, 2011.
Road-tripped into town with P.Rama (details on that later), from Marfa, Texas. More details on Sunday, as Sunday was pretty extraordinary. I got a CouchSurfing host in Las Cruces, though, and waited outside their apartment for a couple hours for them to get home. I believe I got woken up by sounds of sexy-fun-times a couple times. Which is never particularly pleasant…

—

Monday, March 21st, 2011
Woke up and hung with the roomies a little bit, and then walked around. Had a buncha my stuff but left some at the apartment. Made up half a mind to go to Mesilla, New Mexico, which is a small, quaint little historic old town that is practically part of Las Cruces (though technically not). Anyway. Not too much to speak of here though I had my first New Mexico meal there. It was fairly good, though not astoundingly so. My two other New Mexican meals later on would prove to be much more delicious. Before I went to lunch, though, I did have a really nice conversation with this Japanese guy (or at least he was partially Japanese, as his name was Takeshi) who worked at the Visitor’s Center. I don’t think he could have been more excited to discuss the area. He was originally from the Bay Area, and we talked about things like housing costs and general history of the area… yadda yadda.

Another thing worth noting here was my experience at the Mesilla Cultural Center. I basically stayed in there for a couple hours and stumbled upon it on a completely random whim. I mean… as happens. Wasn’t even entirely planning to go down the street that I did go down to get there, but I’m glad I did. I got there and there were people — the director of the place and another guy — working on some upcoming festival they were having that is supposedly kind of a big deal. They immediately made me feel at home, in a rather formal way, but I poked around while they discussed business. Lots of Native American literature, and lots of just kinda metaphysical and mystical stuff, in general. As well as a lot of non-fiction by a lot of famous (?) female authors. It was a good time. In any case, the volunteer guy who was in there left, and I was left to talk with the director. I felt like she had the kind of human spirit that would be into something like this, so I asked her to suggest me a book based on what she knew of me. I will admit that she did give me a whole slew of books initially… except I’ve been rather into poetry lately, so I had it in my mind that I wanted a poetry book, despite the fact that I didn’t say it outright. Eventually, she fed me some super delicious super traditionally Mexican coffee (which leads me to remember an experience on our Israel / Jordan tour when people wouldn’t drink coffee offered by store owners because they were seriously afraid of being drugged… fucking ridiculous) and I skimmed through a stack of books. Frankly, the only one that –really– appealed to me was this book by Joy Harjo, entitled In Mad Love And War. The director lady who suggested the book put on a traditional Native American record as I was skimming through this stack of books, and later said that she knew I was going to pick this particular book and that is why she had put on the Native music. Whether that is truly true or not is uncertain, but I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway. I typed out a poem in my last entry, but man, did this book speak to me. On so many levels, at the moment… I intended for it to be a birthday present, but I am no longer feeling the magic of that action. I am, however, still in love with the book, and as I have been reading it the past couple days, I have not been able to deny the feeling I have… of just being pretty much astounded… that this book was introduced to me. And that it is so very fitting of my emotions, of my mental state… of my writing preferences. Particularly in poetry. I’m extremely specific about poetry, and very little of it actually riles me up in any meaningful or excited manner. But nearly everything in this book just feels so very clever… anyway. I gave her one of the many bracelets I made for my REDEFINE SXSW show (which I never did end up distributing because I was a madwoman) — which say, “I am a note of the cosmic music + I will go on vibrating forever.” Hippie dippie, but it simply seemed so very appropriate…

Later that evening, I returned to Las Cruces. Just down the street. Spent some time using the internet at WHATABURGER simply because I thought it was the funniest notion ever, but WHATABURGER was not nearly the eavesdropping gold mine that I had hoped it would be. Unfortunate. Later that night, there was a pretty good Burger Records show at the Railyard in Las Cruces, which is a pretty rad hole-in-the-wall venue that is super DIY… hell, they weren’t even charging to let people in, which was nice, and people seriously brought their own 24-packs of beer. And everyone got mega-trashed, and people in Las Cruces (perhaps because it was college break, even) party it the fuck up. There were some ridiculously drunk people, and the general vibe was rowdy as shit. The main attraction was, for me, Thee Oh Sees… and they certainly lived up to the garage rock legendary reputation they have. As for the other bands… I was into them initially, but there were six garage rock bands in total, and by the third, I no longer gave a shit, and it was slight torture to wait out the rest.

Here’s what I wrote in my iPod while being bored by those bands:

“garage rock is becoming rather pointless, a next installment in punk rock, a simplistic outlet that is enjoyable only in the short term, easy to sway to, easy to play, but the ultimate in definiting the ever-growing detritus that is music journalism. how does one continue to write about these bands that may be solid… ish… yet are so very much alike that there is very little setting them apart, save for general charisma? on a 7-band garage rock bill this reality of musical limitation and stagnation and general pointlessness becomes ever-painfully apparent, and moreso with every word shouted through a distorted mic.”

Some funny moments during that particular evening, though, in the form of serendipity… as happens:

[1] A guy — who turned out to be one of my CouchSurfing host’s ex-boyfriends — came up to me when I first walked in and was like, “Excuse me, were you just at a house party in Austin??” Turns out he was at our house show at SXSW because someone had recommended that he go see Moon Duo. Fucking crazy…;

[2] A friend of a friend who I was introduced to, named Aimee (maybe not that exact spelling, but something just as unusual)… knows James Ward, who was from North Carolina, and had stayed on our couch for a while with Jay and Clare… crazy… small world…;

[3] Later that night, when we got back to the CouchSurfers’ place, they had three other dudes there, and they had all just come back from SXSW… and I asked them what the best show they saw was… and they said Casiokids… and I asked where… and they said at one of the housing co-ops near campus… and I was like, “THAT WAS MY SHOW!!!!” … life is crazy… the craziest bag of bullshit… who can even begin to understand…

—

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011
The next day, I got an early ride from Neeshia (who is really awesome and let me sleep in her bed!!) to the Greyhound station, as fucking Las Cruces practically has no bus service. Which is ridiculous, considering it’s a college town… but everyone has their own cars, I guuuuuuessss. (Side note: I want to punch myself in the face right now…)… in any case. I took the bus to Albuquerque. Along the way, there was a “security stop” near Alamogordo, which is where White Sands is-ish. There was a security checkpoint when Koury, Kevin, Tim, and I went through last year for Cash Only, but we didn’t get stopped. We did this time, and security agents came aboard to check everyone’s passports. Felt like when we were in fucking Israel, coming from Palestine to Israel. I mean, same fucking shit, which is INSANE. In any case, they basically checked the identification of all Mexicanos, and it is blatantly racist as shit, as they literally looked at me and the white girl next to me, and were like, “You guys are American citizens, right?” I mean… how the shit do they even distinguish? Does a fifth-generation Mexican-American have to undergo the same kind of racial profiling? I’ll bet he or she does, and that fucking sucks…

Anyway. Got to Albuquerque, and it was fairly late in the day. Right off the bat, some Native guy gave me a bus pass for the entire day… so I saved two bucks, which was really nice. My impression of New Mexicans and their friendliness is solidly through the roof! Good feelings only.

Went to my CouchSurfer Jennifer’s place after taking a romp through a nearby supermarket. It’s kinda funny… I asked some lady with a car where the nearest supermarket was, and she told me it was MILES away. So I declined to go there and headed towards downtown to find one… which I didn’t. Turns out it was less than a mile from Jennifer’s house, and it took me like, fifteen minutes to walk to. Always funny to ask people who drive about directions and distances, cause they often have no fucking clue…

Hanging out with Jennifer was really awesome. I am only her third CSer in the past year, so I’m totally stoked I got to stay with her. We have somewhat overlapping interests… she is quite starry-eyed and cosmic, into gem healing and tarot and other dimensions and ghosts and all sorts of those kinds of things. I am into those things — to a lesser degree, particularly because I have less direct experience with it, too — but it was a lot of really good conversation and getting to see some parts of Albuquerque I haven’t seen before. At the very least, it was WAY better than when we rolled through last year… I mean, what Kevin had to say about Albuquerque last year was: New Mexico Your Bringing Me Down [sic]. This year, for me, it was way better. Apparently, only the downtown is weird, and the other parts are A-OK… particularly the University area. Good to know. Anyway.

Jennifer and I went to this free local film thing put on by Local Q, and while they were making these super amateur announcements at the very beginning, I expected the whole showcase to be pretty downright bad, but there were actually pretty solid films… there was a web series called INDIE which was pretty funny, as was this one really cool short film about eco-friendliness… I forget the name now, but maybe I’ll fill it in later… afterwards, we went to Flying Star in downtown Albuquerque. Flying Stars are a series of 24-hour (or similarly late-opening) diners that serve really amazing dessert (I stole some of Jennifer’s bread pudding, and it RULED) and nice, organic food. It has Wi-Fi, too. Pretty cool place, and I wholly intended to go back to one of them when I returned to Albuquerque, but as it turns out, I didn’t return to Albuquerque in any significant way (more on that later).

One of the things Jennifer and I talked a lot about was past-life regression. I got it in my mind that I would go to this place called Crystal Dove on my subsequent return to Albuquerque. I thought maybe I’d get a past-life regression tarot reading, just cause I’ve been interested in that shit lately and it’s really expensive… more on that later, too…

Later that night, we just chatted, and I slept on a hard wood floor. It wasn’t the most relaxing experience… and it marked the beginning of a series of communication-related feelings of anxiety I would have that would prolong towards the next week, to the present, to the who-knows-how-long-of-a-lasting-duration… these days are long…

—

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
Off to Santa Fe. Took the RailRunner, which goes back and forth between Santa Fe and Albuquerque. Got in at noon. Rob from CouchSurfing picked me up on his lunch break and took me to his parents’ place in the suburbs, which is where he was staying for the week since his parents were out of town! He had barely worked that day, I guess, but we still went to eat lunch. I wasn’t even hungry, but I ended up eating an entire plate of food — best of which was this fucking guacamole taco. Sounds ridiculous, but it was SO EFFING GOOD. I seriously was… astounded… by the fact that something like that could be as delicious as it was. I mean, it sounds like peasant food!! Peasantly!!!

Anyway. While he went to work, I walked around downtown Santa Fe. There honestly is some solid arting there!! A lot of money in that town, though, from lord knows where. I also camped out at a bookstore for a while using their internet, til I was kicked out… but it was my first time REALLY using internet in a while, so it was super nice. And the workers were really kind of fun hipster dudes. Think the bookstore was called CW bookstore or something.

We went back to Rob’s place after he got off work (he seriously barely worked that day… but he is a lucky dude with lots of remote work, like me!!!) and unwound for a sec. Then we headed back out to eat pizza with his friends… only I just drank an ice coffee (no beers or pizza for me, in the interests of watching my figure — I had just eaten a huge amount of Mexican food that morning!!!!! — and just generally saving money). Afterwards, we went to a bar to drink margaritas, but again, I abstained… it was nice, though, and Rob had recently gone to Africa for three and a half months on a crazy road trip… and he had the craziest stories, one of which involved nearly being thrown in jail in Zimbabwe because he didn’t have gas and were trying to cross the border into another country in a “stolen” car, since the van they were driving didn’t have proper documentation, I guess. He was working his entire Africa trip, though, using a satellite internet connection… which I didn’t even know existed… but how crazy, right? You can be in the fucking African bush and still online — granted it costeth a fair amount of $$$$$$$$… but yeah, I guess his van broke down a million, zillion times, and they thought they’d nearly be killed a couple times… but luckily everything worked out for the best! Yay!

On the way home, he and I had a super funny conversation about Jesus and Indian food… with the two topics beginning individually but later — yes — actually intertwining. Good times…

More on New Mexico later. It’s time to get ready to board my fucking flight to Seattle from Albuquerque, motherfucker.

tolerance.

i keep thinking the level of tolerance my parents have for things that are different will change. it never does… IT NEVER DOES. IT NEVER DOES.

no matter how much they travel, everything just solidifies already-existing beliefs, i feel like. fuck. today i eavesdropped on my mom’s conversation with a friend and she was bad-mouthing the american government saying something about how if you never work a job in your life you will get free insurance but if you do then you have to pay a lot, and that’s why some black people don’t work. FUCK. and she’s essentially like, “might as well not work then! because you get screwed if you do work!”

FUCK. FRAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. i in my family is so weird. i mean, a lot of people fit in weirdly with their families. ugh. but it’s horrible.

i spent some time making them a present. basically, i have this book with 501 cool places to visit in the world, and i’m giving that to them. and i added little pieces of paper with stories from my trips to these various places… my brother was like, “they’re never going to read it.” and i’m like… “yeaaaaaaah. but i like to aim high and then be disappointed.” pretty accurate sentence — on both my part and on my brother’s. shit. i also included a dvd with photos, as an accompaniment to the book. meh. never gonna be read in conjunction. what’s. the. point. ugh. yesterday i told them their present would have to wait, because it was being made, and my mom scoff-laughed at me. so rude. i guess part of me does think that maybe i should just buy them something vapid, like a crystal, or a bouquet of flowers, or a sweater, because that’s what they’ll enjoy. i guess i give things i think people would appreciate because i would enjoy it. but that’s not the case, is it? hmmmm. rethinking is necessary. i guess the point of giving gifts is pleasing the end-user; therefore, i should maybe spend less time doing things i think are cool and more time figuring out things they think are cool… right? ugh.

horrible disputes.

anger freaks me out. ever since i was young and had to experience it intensely firsthand. ick. on the plus side, it has made me a mega-pacifist, and i pretty much never get explosively angry.

but to quote some arguing homeless (i assume) outside my window:

lady (at the top of her lungs): FAGGOT!!!
lady: i want my money! i fucking got those cans!
dude: you didn’t get shit!
lady: faggot!
dude: go get you one, bitch!
dude: get yourself a motherfucking nigger while you’re at it. im pretty sure you can find one that’s a motherfucking nigger and a faggot!

>/

chillax, just do it.

I’m listening to… Bowerbirds.

Quick update as it is 1:20am here and I’m to wake up at 6:00am to go to Hong Kong in the morning. Had a long ass fucking day going from Seattle to Narita, Japan to Taipei, Taiwan. Can I just say that Chinese people are ridiculous? I mean, I’m Chinese or whatever, so I say this in partial jest and partial honesty. But I hate Chinese society and cultural norms, man. Everyone is sooo impatient and sooo loud and just need to fucking chillax. People are constantly cutting in line in front of me at the godamn airport — like really, do you need to get to your rotting air plane seat faster? Chill some fucking lax!

I watched “Up” on the plane finally. It was pretty good. Some parts definitely made me laugh out loud — mostly parts involving the talking doggie, Doug.

I also got vegetarian meals, and my first meal of the day had palak paneer, which was fucking awesome!! The other meals were a lot more eh. But ehh. Still better than the chicken teriyaki everyone else was eating. It’s kinda ridiculous that non-vegetarians are like just… tons of meat. Like, “Here, you can choose between chicken teriyaki or freaking steak with potatoes.” Ridonkulous.

Oh yeah, I told my mom I had Indian food on the plane and she was like, “EW!” and the proceeded to say that everyone on her flight — like 80% — was Indian, and there was another 10% that was Vietnamese. And I was like, “I bet you hated it,” and she basically said yeah, so I called her horrible. She’s so racist against Indians. And also against the Vietnamese. Not really sure why. But I do know that’s un-Christian as fuck.

Another movie that was showing was the Jamie Foxx and whats-his-face movie, “The Soloist.” Boring. And don’t understand why it’s freaking everywhere. But I love the simplicity in the cinematography. Really dug it.

Anyhoot.

Time to go to bed, I reckonz.

recap central: chicago, illinois and detroit, michigan.

tuesday, september 22nd, 2009.
going offa old notes, here.

- brekky with michael: he cooked eggs and stuff – don’t remember what exactly haha! oops!
- fly in from long beach.
- meet with jericho: he picked me up from the subway station and we ate at stix — this kabob and wrap place which was pretty good!
- too late for la dispute show: it ridiculously began at 5:00pm wtf?? i called them and they were like, yeeeaaaaah a lotta our friends missed our set, too.
- go drinkin’: jericho’s neighborhood is kinda in a cool hip part of town. i forget the name of it but we went to a bar and the bartender chick made me a really yummy drink cuz the long island cost too much and i know nothing about alcohol and wasn’t sure what to order other than beers and shots and long islands, haha.
- overnight trip to detroit: not scary at all really and the people were all really normal and this is from quote unquote one of the shadiest cities in the states to an even shadier one (who am i quoting, you ask? no idea — i made up all of that completely!) but really, it feels like chicago has a mega bad reputation and i’m not sure why at all because even around the greyhound station it felt safe, and that’s practically the ultimate test, haha!

wednesday, september 23rd, 2009.
a day in detroit. i don’t have notes for detroit so i’m actually going to write it like normal-ish. got there really early and putzed around downtown. tried to find a hotel asap so i could get a map. went into mgm grand but it was fucking weird because it wasn’t really a hotel, but a conference center, so i just kinda hung out upstairs stealthily in the conference area playing around on the computer and most importantly, charging my phone!!! outside the mgm grand there were tons of “no standing” signs, which was my first time seeing them so i found them extremely funny (but since then i’ve seen them a whole bunch in other cities). eventually, as i was leaving mgm grand, i asked them for a map and got one and just walked around downtown a lot, really aimlessly, really. i think i got to detroit at like, 6:00am or something ridiculous like that, and i just walked straight down this main thoroughfare and past all these kind of ruined buildings and schools and stuff. got hit on… a lot. luckily, i could use the, “i don’t live here,” line, and i wasn’t lying. the first guy to hit on me i forgot the name of — i think it was randy. he was nice enough and i kept running into him and it was only the third time that he actually introduced himself. of course, i didn’t see him again after that. he told me to be careful down there. cute.

there were lots of really amazing victorian and otherwise-styled houses that were completely abandoned and overgrown. to be honest, i wanted to go to some more ghettoer parts of town but i didn’t feel entirely comfortable unfortunately.

there was a really old walgreen’s around, and this was their display window, full of cool medical relics and stuff. i reckon they got it from some houses around the area, but it was really fucking cool.

hung out in this starbucks for a while (blech) because it was the only coffee shop around, and it had the longest line EVER, i swear.

fox theatre.

found a falafel place and another coffee shop and kinda wanted to eat both, but i was looking for wireless and neither of them seemed to have it. eventually i was standing outside the coffee shop trying to steal their wireless when the guy in there motioned for me to come in, and i told him my plight, and even though they had wireless it wasn’t working on my ipod touch, so he lent me his laptop, which was really nice of him. he talked to me for a while and talked about this one book he was reading that said that asians had roots in africa and that’s why we tan and don’t burn and don’t need to wear sunscreen or something. he said from far away before i entered the store, he thought i was a black woman. interesting? i guess i am pretty dark right now?

random detroit tigers thing on an abandoned place next to the coffee shop.

giant general motors headquarters looms in the background.

came across the most amazing freaking store, man. it basically just stored stuff that would be put up for auction… such really, really amazing pieces in there. upholstered chairs, beautiful chandeliers, stained glass things… everything. amazing.

went towards the waterfront and there was this — the henry ford theatre, completely abandoned and falling apart in the heart of downtown. couldn’t go in, unfortunately.

waterfront. since i was in detroit for so long by myself, i sat in random places a lot. at this waterfront, i sat for a while, laughing at the guy next to me who was singing with headphones on… and singing really horribly. and rapping as well. and rapping horribly.

as i was about to leave that place, this one dude stopped me and asked me to take a pic, and i thought it meant me take a pic of him and his two friends. what he actually meant was his two friends take a pic of me. he was totally drunk even though it was the middle of the day. so i was like, whatever, and took a pic with him, and then he told me to go on a walk with him. i thought, why not, since it was the middle of downtown — what could he possibly do to me? so i went on a walk with him. he kept wanting to take photos and i kept saying no. we just walked along the waterfront a bit and then he brought me into the general motors building since i hadn’t been there yet. he asked me if i was hungry and i said not really. then he just goes to the cafe downstairs and grabs a salad and walks out. i’m thinking, wtf? but think he’s going to pay somewhere, and he doesn’t. we go upstairs and walk around and he keeps asking me what i wanna do, and i’m kinda incredulously saying that i have no idea. and then eventually we run out of stuff to do so we go upstairs to the starbucks area and he of course lets a businessman go in front of him so he can be the last one in line, then asks me if i like frappaccinos, then takes one and leaves. after this, i’m like, “i gotta go,” and he’s like, “why? do you want me to put that back?” and i’m like, “yeah,” and he’s like, “no!” and kinda grabs my hand and tries to leave. i keep insisting i have to go and am looking for an exit and we eventually exit. he’s this totally plump black dude with kind of a dirty shirt and reeking of alcohol — in comparison to these really nicely dressed businessmen and such. he’s fucking hilarious, though, on the way out he just stops by to talk to random strangers nonstop, including addressing one particular businessman as “donald trump”, which the guy found funny. amongst other similar funny things. anyway, i’m insisting that i have to go and meet up with la dispute (a lie, really, because i don’t have to meet up with them until much later) and he’s like, “well, before you leave, eat your salad,” and i grudgingly agree to do it… so we sit on a street corner and he basically watches me eat the salad. and i’m picking out the bacon and chicken, and he’s like, “why aren’t you eating that?” and i’m like, “i don’t eat meat,” and he’s basically like, “that’s why i picked this salad!” (which makes completely and utterly zero sense). after i finish eating it, i’m like, “okay, i gotta go,” and he’s like, “first drink your drink!” and i’m like, “i’ll drink some of it, but not all of it,” and i take a sip and then say i have to go. he asks me for my number and i give it to him, just for shits and giggles, really, cause even if he calls, that’s whatevers, go ahead and call. oh i should mention that throughout this time period he first starts off by calling me his girlfriend, then his wife, then his friend, then his sister. lol. hahahahahahahah. and that was his justification for being able to “borrow” food from the place — because his “sister” works there and he does that allllllllllllllllllll the time. anyway. he gives me a hug finally and says that if he calls i better pick up (he never does) and that i shouldn’t talk to ANYONE. which is hilarious.

abandoned.

hit up the la dispute show at nighttime, and it’s cool and stuffs. the show is good on their end but there’s an asshole next to me. such an asshole. first, his friend spits on the ground, and he’s like, “they’d cane you in cambodia,” and i’m like, thinking, dude, it’s not cambodia, it’s singapore, and then he says, “well maybe it’s indonesia, because they’re a muslim country, and muslim countries are backwards,” and he starts talking about muslims and basically how they all need to die because they’re soo backwards and in one muslim country a girl got raped and it was her who got punished not the rapist (truth, but that’s not ALL muslim countries, for starters). then he makes this joke about the dead asian girl who got killed at yale and then stuffed into a wall, and is like, “before she died she begged the killer, ‘don’t kill me, i sucky sucky for free,’” which is just in REALLY bad taste. and as la dispute are coming on stage, i pull out my dSLR, and his friend is like, “she has a dSLR,” and he’s like, “why am i not surprised?” and i was like, “you’re pretty much the biggest dumbass ever,” and he instantly fell silent. then i was just seething the whole godamn time because it’s fucking ridiculous! what’s worse — the dude isn’t even freaking godamn white. he’s like… a minority. i don’t know what minority, but what the FUCK.

anyway, la dispute’s show was fine, although their sound seemed a bit off and the main guitar wasn’t loud enough. might’ve been because i was on the left side of the stage, though. either way. after the show, i highly felt the need to tell the guy off. so i went up to him and said, “i’ve never done this before, but first off, it’s singapore, not indonesia you’re looking for,” and he kinda nodded and said okay and was really quiet and friend one kinda smirked and laughed, and then i was like, “second, not every muslim country is the same just like not every christian country is the same,” and friend two was like, “we don’t need a lecture.” lastly, i was like, “and the reason i have a camera is not because i’m asian, but because i run a music magazine,” and friend three was like, “you should put him in your magazine!” and i’m like, “what, douchebag’s corner?” and he’s like, “yeah!” and then i left. douchebags.

interviewed la dispute shortly thereafter, and it was a little teeny bit awkward because i don’t think they are the best people to interview and also, they’re young. but it was mostly fine (except i later accidentally deleted their interview in my phone in a fit of confusion and bitterness… completely unrelated, days later). but they were nice kids, for sure.

la dispute performing “sad prayers for guilty bodies.”

thursday performing “division st.”

caught part of thursday’s set and like the last some of the fall of troy’s set… then i leave before thursday finishes cause that shit is boring. CLICK HERE TO SEE REVIEW OF THURSDAY. i walk late night to the greyhound station in detroit, and it’s fine, cause really, how dangerous can it be? there’s like no one on the godamn streets.

thursday, september 24th, 2009.
- get in town at like 6:00am: take the overnight greyhound from detroit. sleep on couch pretty much right after jericho leaves his house to go to work.
- freak out jericho’s roommate’s bf: well, he woke up at 11:00am or something and was yapping on the phone and even walking back and forth from the dining room to the bathroom (and crossing where i was) and i finally stirred and he was like HOLY SHIT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE THERE!! not the most observant feller, evidently.
- meant to wake up at 9am but phone was on silent so i woke up at noon: again, because of jericho’s roommate’s bf.

- planetarium at 3pm after bus confusion: i thought i’d miss the last showing and almost didn’t go because the place closed at 4pm, but there was actually a 3:30 showing.
- caught 3:30 showing.


- saw cool old-school diorama stuff, like a fake physics classroom from way back in the day. also, in the first pic above, a teeny tiny book galileo wrote on. it was actually legible :0 second pic above is an old school sundial.
- learned the north star isn’t the brightest; sirius is: but i actually almost fell asleep during some parts of the planetarium showcase. oops.

skyline near the planetarium.
- walked around downtown.


buckingham fountain (aka “married with children” fountain)… the first pic is supposed to be a seahorse that’s on it. hahahahhahhahah. sea horse, my ass.

cool ass art installation thing downtown.
- raining!

dinosaur!!

street puppet car or something, but i didn’t actually see the performances or anything.



- deep dish pizza!!!!! from gino’s east. SO GOOD.

jericho! yay! thanks!

- chairlift / micachu and the shapes: at schubas tavern. it was initially a close call between pizza and the show but the show ended up being later than it was originally supposed to be.
- angry heckling guy: really hated micachu and the shapes and went up to them asking them, “what is this??” and the keyboardist chick is like, “what is what?” and he’s like, “that… is that music? that’s not music.” he was really angry. i was like, “music means different things to different people,” and he said, “i’m asking HER.” ridiculous. he was such a douche. and such a douche in particular because for these situations, the band you came to see (chairlift) is the band that brought the band you hate (micachu and the shapes) so they obviously consider that band to be MUSIC. – READ MY REVIEW OF THIS SHOW HERE!

micachu and the shapes performing “curly teeth”.

chairlift performing “garbage”.
- crazy detroit sports fan: stopped us in the street after we were leaving the show and was babbling about how safe chicago was and how you couldn’t walk around at night in detroit or go jogging (a lie, really, because i definitely saw people jogging!)
- bed!!

asian women drivers.

not to generalize or be racialist (lol) but… to generalize and be racialist… asian women drivers suck. i say this as an asian woman driver. why would i say this? stories such as this.

***

vee: we still on for tonite?
tony: neg, no can do.
vee: i see flakesauce
tony: mom just broke my garage
tony: and her car
vee: JAJAJAJA
vee: how did she break garage
tony: so gotta fix
vee: …
tony: left door open in car
tony: back out
tony: bye bye car door
tony: bye bye garage

***

lingo: omg
lingo: that is unreal
vee: indeed
lingo: too unreal
vee: haha
vee: ive heard of similar
vee: such as
vee: backing car into garage door while garage door still closed
lingo: oh i’ve got one
lingo: this lady was driving me home from church when i was little
lingo: and instead of breaking when she crept up the driveway
lingo: she accelerated
lingo: and ran through the garage door and into my brother’s brand new car
vee: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
vee: .. asian ..?
lingo: very old asian
lingo: so at that point it didn’t matter what ethnicity she was
lingo: she’s just old as hell
vee: hahaha
vee: did she stop driving
vee: probably not
lingo: hell no

uncomfortable conversation in coffee shops about blacks.

there’s something interesting about working at trendi.com, and it is the fact that we somehow always manage to get into conversations about things that people are traditionally “not supposed to talk about.” and i mean, that’d be fine and normal if it were just once in a while, but it seems that EVERY time we get into a conversation as a group, it is always about something “uncomfortable,” be it racism, politics, religion, etc.

so, it seemed only apt that on the return of summer’s month-long vacation to chile, that we would get into a loud and largely unfettered conversation about racism in the local cherry street cafe (which, by the way, has the best fucking feta sandwich ever… maybe a feta sandwich doesn’t SOUND great, but it is GLORIOUS).

also in conjunction with normalcy in the world of trendi.com was the fact that summer and i largely agreed whereas kristoph didn’t quite understand or agree with our sentiments. jenny was not here today, but i reckon she would have been holding the middle ground of opinions, as she often does.

so what was our discussion about today? summer had never been too much into united states’ politics. she largely does not vote because she considers them to all be puppets being waved around by the same hands. i can see that to a degree, but i still vote myself (this topic was the root of a former in-office debate as well). upon returning from chile, however, she became a little more interested in american politics simply because she had been away for so long and had no grasp of the political climate in chile. i guess it made politics of any sort seem important in some way? i’m not sure.

anyway, barack obama has been getting flamed for going to a church that has a mission statement somewhere along the lines of aiming to help the “black community.” we got in a discussion about that, and kristoph’s take was that, in order to counteract racism, we need to get rid of labels like “black” or “white” that further divide the groups into their own little niches. he also thought that, dammit, they’re a church. they should be helping everyone, not just the black community. i can absolutely see that argument, but summer and i’s take on it was that what the “black community” is fighting in the short run is not racism, but socioeconomic inequalities. it’s difficult to fight racism since it is engrained into minds and opinions, but it is easier to fight something more concrete, like inadequate schooling, broken families, gang problems, etc. we thought that since people obviously already live in a community surrounded by blacks, they are comfortable with the term “blacks” and identify with it, and therefore, it is a necessary evil in order to get them onto the next step. after all, the largest divider between people is wealth, not race. take care of wealth first, and then take care of race.

summer brought up an example that, had it not been for people who had identified themselves in these groups during the civil rights movement, less would have been accomplished in terms of bringing about “equality.” kristoph brought up that it was these self-labeled identifiers of black and white that brought about the problem in the first place. both arguments make sense. it is unfortunate that such an arbitrary label makes such a big difference.

summer grew up in california and i guess her mother had always brought her to churches or meetings where people spoke of empowering the “black community,” so it was normal to her, and it seemed weird to her that people would make such a huge deal out of it. kristoph, on the other hand, had grown up primarily in canada and europe, and those places don’t place as huge of an impact on race as the united states does, so the whole idea of people being so caught up over obama going to this church just seems to be out of his understanding and grasp.

anyway, it was all extremely interesting, but it also got extremely loud. i counted a couple looks from people… one from a guy who was on the phone near us, looking over because we were so loud i assume he had a hard time hearing the telephone… and another from this group of three people — two white-haired elderly people, and one younger, tattooed dude. we saw them, mid-hooting-and-hollering, looking at us, and decided we needed to go because we were probably “offending people.” this was two hours into our long, long lunch debate. when i looked up at the elderly couple, both the man and woman were smiling at me, in a nice but still strange way. i would have liked to loop them into the conversation.

by the end of the conversation, none of us had changed our opinions on the matter at all, but we agreed that if obama’s speech (that he gave about the issue of him going to that church) was meant to spark debate and conversation about the topic of race, it had succeeded. i guess he wrote the speech himself, too, which was cool. unfortunately, i haven’t read it. i guess i should. but what’s cool is that the members of trendi.com are quite the melting pot. we have the general white bread girl from new jersey (lul), a half-black, half-white girl from compton, myself the asian from something something, and a polish-russian immigrant from canada who has lived all around the world. so i guess since we come from such different places, conversations are always interesting and sometimes enlightening.

other than when kristoph and jenny talk about the housing market and stocks. that bores the shit out of me. it’s like eating dinner at my house all over again.

i’d like to doze, now.

listening to… ministry of sound’s clubber’s guide for 2007.

i’m soooooo tired. can barely stay awake. i was fine until i ate some pasta and some trail mix type things… and now i’m like dying of tiredness. what’s the deal? +_+ i thought trail mix type shit is supposed to give you energies. that’s what i get for watching “indiana jones and the temple of doom” til 3am i guess. indy movies are totally racist and make a mockery of people of different cultures everywhere, but they are still so damn good. must, watch, the third one now. lenny has only seen #1 (“raiders of the lost ark”). whata newb……… linh has seen none. what a newbs………………… i don’t have the brain to remember many movies very well but i remember indy movies pretty well!!!!! was harrison considered a hot commodity back in the day? i don’t remember for i was too young, but i’m assuming he was.

crapload o’ junk.

there’s actually a crapload of junk that i would like to update but i don’t really have the willpower for it lately. there’s just soOoOooooOooOOooOOooOOOooOO much to do. i’m not even joking around. +__+ i just want to kind of curl up into a ball and die YAY DEATH BALL.

anyway, i had a reason for writing this… what was it again?! oh yeah.

i think so far i’ve done pretty well at straying away from the whole, hello, i am asian girl, i can do nothing but become whatever my parents want me to be, but as i was discussing with jeanette the other day, no matter what, with every decision i make, there is this nagging feeling of incredible dread that something will result in my being bitched out by my parents. not my parents, so much, actually, but more like my mom. my dad doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore… at least not so much. he just wants us to be happy. mom… is another story.

the other day my mom was like, “you better not bring home a hippie as a boyfriend.” along with shit like, “marry someone rich.” or “marry chinese.” like i give a fuck about any of those things. like jesus christ. i feel like an eternal kid. i find it to be extremely selfish to say that kind of shit to your kid. maybe, like, find someone that treats you right is good. maybe. but why does everything have to be so negative lol. as if it’s not enough pressure to begin with to even find someone who you are completely happy with. now i have to worry about what she thinks too? no thanks. like, i’m sorry if you’re racist and care too much about money, but i’m not. and i know money was hard growing up and all, but really, i don’t find money to be that hard to come by. i don’t spend money so therefore money is easy to save up. i don’t need to marry rich. i just need to marry someone who will make me happy. that’s it.

fucking asian parents man. like jeanette was saying… they honestly have no idea as to the degree of negative effect they have on their kids. everyone ranks asian kids as all “successful” but it’s interesting because a lot of them might be rather successful in studying but just suck at life other than that. because they’ve lived their whole lives for other people.

in december i will be going to munich with sherry because her parents are there, and you know, free housing and shit. i want to have a layover in amsterdam for like, 7 hours or something, so that i can explore the city by myself a little. i’ve never been to a foreign country by myself. frankly, i’ve never been allowed to. wish i had studied abroad, but it’s a little too late for that (unless i go get my TEFL in peru… ah, a girl can dream… and possibly do in the near future). and i mean, if i’m going to have a layover anyway, might as well make it an interesting one. the amsterdam red light district is only 15-30 minutes away, and is well worth it since i’d have a 9 hour layover with probably about 6 hours of exploration time. this is something really simple. go to amsterdam during the daytime. explore by yourself. shouldn’t be a fucking big deal. but it would be a big deal. and i can’t even say something this simple to these parents. i’d never hear an end to the bitching. i’m a girl. i’m too young. i’m a girl. i’m a girl? i’m a girl. etc. etc. and that’s just not cool.

life decisions are hard enough but these days, as i’m wondering and double-guessing what i want to do with the rest of my life, having to put up with so many other people’s emotions is freaking unbearable. i would be content to live my life working part-time, and doing freelance or contract work on the side, and honestly, although living like that can be erratic, i’ve never been short of money doing that. in fact, i’ve had major amounts of money saved up from those jobs which have allowed me to fund my magazine and all that, which is no cheap enterprise. yet if i do that, i never hear the end of it. even working 32 hours rather than 40, i never hear the end of the bitching. it’s so exhausting. i’m tired of pleasing other people. i ignore a lot of it. i just say yeah, whatever. but in the back of my head, things really do effect the way you think. you begin to wonder, maybe i should do this. maybe other people are right. maybe, maybe… i’m the only one doing this… why am i the only one doing this? well, the answer is, everyone else wished they could only work contract or freelance but they can’t… and that’s why they don’t. that’s the nitty gritty truth of it all. so why do i feel so bad for doing these things?

and it would be so simple to write off these unfounded opinions, but you know, obligation, they’ve done so much for you, blahblahblah, makes it difficult. so instead, i’m trapped in this eternal battle between what i want to to do and what i’m told i want to do. and here i am, trying to please both sides. and really, that doesn’t work. instead, these days, i think i’m the one who is thoroughly unpleased. and i mean thoroughly. THOROUGHLY.