it’s freezing here in portland, and it’s only just begun.
the weather is schizophrenic as a motherfucker.
by coincidence (er, maybe), i’ve been reading about schizophrenia.
alex’s old psychology textbooks have made their way into my possession.
as far as possessions go, i have many i am trying to rid myself of.
the usual.
as far as possessives go, there’s too much of it and too much of i and me and mine.
balls of indecision.
we are.
I want you to know the truth,
‘Cause I’ve been around before,
Thought I wasn’t looking anymore.
Been a fool for weeks,
‘Cause my heart stands for nothing and your soul’s too weak,
Got a will that’s been around for days,
Goes far if you want it;
It needs to behave.
But then you, you come around,
Big mistake,
I don’t want to know…
I don’t want to know…
We don’t need a sign to know better times.
Running around ’cause you beat yourself up,
And you made a crack and the one that you love is gone,
How much longer can you play with fire before you turn into a liar?
I’ve been around before;
Thought you weren’t looking anymore,
But then we, we come and go, go up in smoke…
I don’t want to know…
I don’t want to know…
We don’t need a sign to know better times.
wow i am.
overthinking things into the ground!!!!!!!!!
i’m overthinking so hard i can’t even follow it when i take a rational mental thought step backwards to figure out how i got to thinking that way in the first place!
(this has been a message brought to you by m. jane.)
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(i want to write more, but thoughts are a bit garbage at the moment.)
i did this post last year sometime, and i want to do it again! it’s fun! here goes!
today:
being hot.
today:
being itchy.
today:
chilling da fuck aut.
today:
scratching bug bites.
today:
procrastinating big time.
today:
drinking banana smoothies.
today:
cooking up some veg jambalaya.
today:
listening to mad music in my room.
today:
wanting to go swimming really badly.
today:
finishing up a wedding planning website.
today:
having dreams that feel better than life…
today:
forgetting whether i actually took a shower or not.
today:
attempting to play blitzen trapper’s “heaven and earth”.
today:
discussing how time flies and we’ll all be dead before we know it.
today:
realizing human beings should celebrate friendship anniversaries more often.
today:
hating the fact that i’m pretty much stuck on listening to two albums on repeat.
yesterday:
thinking the world was ending mid-sleep and waking up to a beautiful sight.
yesterday:
frying up a veggie patty with sauteed garlic, mushrooms, and spinach.
yesterday:
hanging outside the holocene for an hour doing nothing in particular.
yesterday:
being eaten alive by bugs from sitting outside for like, 5 minutes.
yesterday:
discovering an awesome music contact through da internets.
yesterday:
inviting people to concerts and being rejected!
yesterday:
getting “poster of the week” on the stranger.
yesterday:
attending a crazy chain and the gang show.
yesterday:
watching old people boogie da fuck down.
yesterday:
attaining a pair of new keyboards.
yesterday:
applying for food stamps.
yesterday:
riding bikes in da heat.
yesterday:
wondering.
this post will be completely pointless vomit. i just need to write something because i haven’t written in a bit. no time dude. i have a to-do list that’s a million pages long, and i’m not really sure how to prioritize.
for starters, though, mostly the redefine event is squared away. here’s the poster i made for it… i also cut out a linoleum block and am going to do custom prints on old magazine pages to make what [hopefully] will be a cool-looking aesthetic. unfortunately, i spent like six or whatever hours cutting out the fucking linoleum block, but now i can’t find the godamn brayer to roll the paint onto the block with. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. snags, snags, snags! snafus!
it’s 2:42am and i have a conference call in the morning at 9:00am, but i haven’t written my daily brain exercise post yet. is it okay if i take the easy way out? guess i make the rules anyway. here are a couple songs i’ve been diggin on lately… yesterday and today, respectively.
anyway. just kind of taking stuff as it comes. the feelings about life being good and bad flip-flop like a motherfucker! it’ll work out, right? is that the cop out’s answer, or is that the actual answer?!
re-did this page today (long overdue): http://www.redefinemag.com/music.php. others to come shortly. woooooo. i hope the slow overhauls make a difference, but really, the content needs some upgrading. shit son.
people have been telling me lately that my standards are too high. your mom, dude. so many people our age, though, that i know well… have the weirdest hang-ups and conflicts about relationships. it’s fascinating. i’ve been having some pretty heavy conversations with people about relationships and it feels like everyone’s in the same ball park (these people being single people who are looking, more or less). everyone is looking for it; everyone acknowledges that they have their weird, unhealthy preferences… and no one knows what they want yet they want it all at the same time…
Oh some evil spirit,
Oh some evil this way comes,
They told me how they fear it,
Now they’re placing it on their tongues,
Oh to see it with my own eyes,
No food or water for the better part of ten months,
Quietly he sat between the folds of a free trunk,
Oh to see it with my own eyes,
All the men of faith and men of science had their questions,
Could it ever be on earth as it is in heaven? LOCAL NATIVES – WIDE EYES.
this evening was fun with the intoxication of the drunken and smoked kind. it’s been ages, but lately i’ve been getting this strange hankering to smoke all the time. cigarettes, that is. and it’s always popping up in my mind which is completely irritating. but i don’t do it, since i know i’ll like it, but it leaves me lacking something. in any case, i was bought two beers, of which i only drank a half, and a drink i called a blonde redhead but is actually something else like redheaded something or other. that drink made me feel so weird — unlike any intoxication-type i’d ever kinda felt before. bizarre. was pretty over it. oh whaddafuck you can do all this weird shit.
like this poll:
oh snap.
i think i’ll float over to somewhere.
the discussion of human beings having to balance animal instincts with developed thoughts has been on my mind as of late. for yesterday, i felt like a complete animal in the sense that i was completely emotional-driven and unable to control it. today, when i woke up, something clicked and i was able to rationalize feelings with a figurative step back and a clear head. it’s weird. anything when rationalized can be totally bearable on an immediate emotional front. but would you want to? i want to at the moment, but who knows if it’s a good idea.
in any case.
this evening, for a moment, i felt so much that other people being happy really makes me happy. it felt weird in this situation. it was like an intangible haze. certainly not gathered from all people all the time, but this was a genuine happiness i could really feel so strongly. like, radiating…
it should be noted i barely know what i’m writing as i’m writing it. reading back, it makes perfect sense, and is coherent, if not even somewhat decent, but as i’m writing it, it’s just kind of a jumbled mass being puked out and sorted out later. who cares about train of thought at the moment? i’m just kind of rolling with it and it feels good and fine and dandy.
i got a part time job for $15/hr. it’s kind of lols, testing websites for money… but it’s a somewhat stable part-time deal, and i’m into that. it would be nice to have a little bit of structure somehow.
i’m feeling like some great discoveries might be made, but i just need the patience to wait it out.
can you believe this year marks ten fucking years of journaling? holy shit. that’s insane. and that’s only in an online medium…
i’m not even sure if i understand the percentage of truths that spew out from people’s mouths these days.
pandering for what?
digging for some trust.
looking in the niches and crannies for fine british nannies
who might make chopped liver
or maybe even better –
laced, pleasant, and maybe with a pheasant,
this dinner theatre extends to the reaches of the universe
to whirling, trickling bends of the cosmos.
barbarella decides when to eat, and this –
this is just piss.
3:45am
an act of creation to create
to do with what?
my brain.
tumbling out and jumbling up
porous rocks and all that crux
crusted up but it’s practice time
for garbage garbage garbage
to take out
to set on fire!
to expound.
why not.
jamaican haitian word association
over liver livered over cathartic crunk
drimbling drunk and a little bit of grump
packing in and backing up
cream cheese bagels and all that stuff
cause it’s not so much the notion as it is the act
active memory without backtrack
forming cohesive thoughts nah
gotta let go of that
back to springle sprangle jingle jangle
fresh laundry detergent preamble
crispy duck skin mallet
ballet wench driving home a ballot!!!!!
actually the music was giving me occasional words which made it hard for the mind to really go free enough to write down my associations. i kind of like the idea of this, though. more brain exercise poems in the future.
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