what up with it.

man, i haven’t written for a few days though a lot has happened. this is what happens when i don’t have internet freezing is also what happens when the godamn coffee shop you’re at doesn’t close their front door ARGHHHH DEATHHHH.

anyway, last night we watched the turin horse, which, after reading george’s review, i had really wanted to watch and even dragged along two other poor sops (gina and troy). it was, in fact, the most boring film on the planet — so boring and slow, really, that it became of the utmost hilarity, in that it seems impossible that anyone would direct such film intentionally, and yet, there it is, proof of intentionality, and proof that life is OMG SO ABSURD. it was beyond bad. and then was the polica show, which was also so, so, so incredibly mediocre that the entire evening — save for troy and i’s eating at swagat — was basically just a waste, which i could have spent instead watching bollywood movies and iranian action films that i have, or editing swahili videos for tuesday’s grimes show… but nOoOoOooo.

two days ago there was an excursion into the world of the mush, and it came in some kind of a flash that i should make movies… yes, movies. the kind where i would direct a human around, rather than just editing. it was a strange thought, an arresting thought, an aldous-huxley-looks-at-lawn-chair-in-doors-of-perception thought, of paralyzing brilliance — the floorboards were glowing — of all-encompassing beauty? it’s funny and ridiculous. but i never would have been in that position had it not been for my arms going absolutely numb for, i think, ten minutes or something. a quick online search yielded a result of a woman who had such symptoms and then got a catscan that was clean, got one three years later, and discovered that she had a brain tumor. it reminds me of the time that i had intense eye problems, and i didn’t know whether they were real or psychosomatic, but they seemed real, yet catscans had revealed nothing. and it is true that those problems came to pass after the 222222222222222ci. i remember feeling so, so, so lonely then, so frustrated that i went to get a catscan that day, by myself, and came back to my apartment at 716 n 41st st. and no one cared at how miserable of a time i had had. lenny, alex, and andy were hanging out, and i didn’t want to bring up how horrible and how terrifying of a time i had had in the catscan (recap of the event here). anyway. my eye has never felt normal since then — but it did subside a slight bit, and i just kind of ignored it, supposing it wasn’t a huge deal if the catscan didn’t result in anything. and i just felt generally idiotic for making such a big fuss, BECAUSE nothing came to be seen. but that doesn’t mean there is no problem, and such intense arm numbness scared the fucking shit out of me, and i need to go get a catscan stat, i think. but it is the case with insurance and such that… i just feel like i don’t even know where to go, and i’m scared also that parents will see the insurance, or i mean, how much does insurance even cover for this shit? can i actually afford this crap? so many questions.

i have been having nightmares lately. i never have nightmares, and don’t really know what the cause is. they are especially prevalent when i stay at troy’s house. the worst was two nights ago, when i spit out half my teeth and was desperately trying to hold in the rest. i have had these kinds of dreams many times — dreams interpretation guides say teeth-related dreams have to do with financial worries, though i know in my case that can’t be true — and i will say that they are, hands down, the worst godamn dreams ever to have… they feel so horrible, each tooth feeling like it is wiggling, hanging on by a thin thread, me never certain whether i’ll lose them all or not… are these dreams telling me i should take care of my teeth better? but i just got a teeth cleaning last year and it was okay… that dream was followed up by a strange escapade where lenny and i were wandering an abandoned mall or something, and we were looking for places to, i think, do the nasty. we went into the elevator and that seemed like the best place but there was something amiss about it; i don’t remember what. the dream pretty much just consisted of much wandering, inside and outside the mall.

this morning’s dream had to do theft. i was in the woods with some people and went outside, and there was really light grey layer of light penetrating the sky in dotted cross-type shapes. they got brighter and brighter. someone asked what they were. i think i said they were lasers. they got brighter, and closer, and began to descend, and when they descended closer, a blue kite-like strip became apparent and it looked like the drupal logo but had the words, very clearly, “laser druid.” it was some company or some brand. got inside and discovered that all of the computers and things we had had been hacked, and that the laser lights were information-stealing lasers, or something. it was strange; our computers were locked from normal use but also were completely dismantled. i think i went into the next room and began crying or being really upset, saying that my computer was essentially my life… it’s weird, its weird, it’s weird.

anyway, when looking at people on the mush, they are essentially a huge ball of hair and eyes to me, and it is hard to focus and mostly unattractive. it’s relatively such a hard thing, weird temperatures and body functions, weird reactions to perception. we began by taking a walk through mt. tabor which was beautiful on that day, drenched in fog, pure misting on the face. so good, so good. the greens and red-browns came to light, along with the realization that i mimick patterns in my mind that aren’t usually there. as far as learning, all i came to be left with was that i need a haircut and to tighten up my style a little bit. and to watch what i eat a bit more and take care of this body thing. and that i need to make films — perhaps not now, but that i can and am capable of making films. it has always been a bit of a thing where my favorite photographers are those who stage elaborate sets, but i have never felt comfortable with doing anything of the sort, never felt comfortable with directing people to do anything. i guess more than anything the experience was a reminder that perhaps i can do those things, and should, just because they’re difficult? i am not sure. but i am excited for this suite of swahili-related videos i am editing, and it will be fascinating to see if these result to something more, whether they will ultimately be used for their videos, etc. it’s unclear, all is unclear.

i think what troy learned was that anything can be done. which is cool. evidently up until now such experiences for him have been ways to work on the self — and this time, it was manageable, a sense that the self is doing fine and that the self just needs to learn to do things rather than talk about doing things. we had an idea the other night when out with abe about reviving all-day concert series ala jam bands of yore, and i think the mushy cemented in troy’s mind that it was possible to actually do these things, and that should be a partner and help me do those things, rather than waiting around and waiting for them to happen. undoubtedly, these were cool things to hear. i guess he also thinks that it’s time for him to get a real job rather than continuing to serve food to kids… :L

relatedly, troy and i had a really hilarious conversation the other night where we logic-holed our brain into ridiculousness. it had been quite a while (since blake was around) that i had had such high-logic brain-numbing discussion that it took way shorter of a while for me to be fatigued by it, but it was interesting, and a memory of times. blah, blah, blah. it’s 3:00pm. i am going back to editing videos. i have been reading a literate passion, a collection of letters between henry miller and anais nin. it’s interesting, it’s love, and i never knew that henry miller was really the one who was more in love with her, that he waited for years to marry her, but that she never wanted to divorce her real husband for fear of hurting him, even though she had stopped loving him years before and thought of him only as a good friend. interesting people.

this is actually yesterday.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< written yesterday (though edited today to some degree)

I decided earlier today to walk from Capitol Hill to University District – a three-and-a-half-mile escapade I have done a few times before, though never on the particular route I took today and never when I actually lived here. Peter spent the previous weekend in Portland, so I hitched a ride back up to Seattle with him on Super Bowl Sunday. It amuses me immensely that Super Bowl now creeps up so suddenly; I find out about its existence a few days before, and it always comes as a complete shock. Not that I was ever extremely gung-ho about it, but I can appreciate most sports – baseball being the only real exception – and do find it interesting to miss out on such a huge part of American culture now, when I had at least some sense of it before (that sense shaped as person who was throwing a Super Bowl party or even more than a handful of people attending a Super Bowl party). Now, I don’t even have a party to attend even if I wanted to (and I would rather want to) unless I went up to Seattle and asked my Seattle friends if they knew of one I could attend, I guess! Perhaps even more interesting than that, though, may be going to a bar and watching it, given the recent hobby of visiting the most random bars ever and the fact that I’ve never done that before but nacho-eating huddled around a television is probably more or less the same no matter where you are or who you’re with…

As I was saying, I walked to U-District and was certainly more or less over the walk by the time I got there. It was nice to retrace my steps to my old workplace at the Experimental Education Unit, though; over the course of one summer I walked to and from work daily and lost an exorbitant amount of weight doing so. I would be so sweaty by the time I got to work that it was the kind of sweat that soaked through parts of your shirt you didn’t want it to soak through.

Losing weight is no longer such an easy feat, even if I do walk for miles at a time. I know this because I do that. I am curious what the difference is; is it really as simple as metabolism and growing older? It may also be the fact that I eat way more now… pretty sure that is a truth. It’s a mystery.

I walked through the University of Washington campus to the University District post office, making a couple of pit stops along the way. The first was stopping near the fountain by the Architecture building. The last time I was in Seattle, Troy and I happened to be in the Suzzalo Library – a true beauty, with one hell of an amazing reading room I had never taken the liberty of using when I went to school there – when I ran into Tammy and we came across a series of posters describing a Cultural Fair they used to have on campus. The heart of it was around the Architecture building, and it looked fucking incredible. While doing research to find photos of this, I also just came across this awesome blog of University of Washington’s historical photos. This article tells more about it as well (written in 2009, it celebrates the 100-year anniversary of the event). Am I getting school-sick? Seattle-sick? It seems that I am, big time, and I guess it’s pretty appropriately timed considering some things I will mention later on in this post.

Back to where I was. Walking through the UW campus, there was just one lovely stone bench that wanted so badly to be sat upon, the sun just slightly having been introduced to a corner of it. I granted it my ass! And faced slightly east and sat cross-legged upon it, welcoming in the morning sun with eyes closed, long my favorite way to meditate. Something about the rays upon your eyelids and turning everything an equalizing red, while highlighting patterns of eye dust, really just feels cathartic and radiant. (I also vaguely remember someone telling me once that looking into the sun in that way gets rid of some cells you no longer need and ultimately makes your eyesight or something better. Who told me that, and is it true? Who knows.)

I distinctly remember one meditation session in the backyard of the 716 house in Greenlake when I still lived there. It dawns upon me now that I may not even have purposely been meditating, as I’m not sure it was a practice I did then; it was just an appealing thing to do. I remember opening my eyes for the first time after an extended session adoring the sun in that way, and the world was not the world as I had seen it before; it was tinted blue, or green, but all things were visualized as they were in comparison to the sun’s strength and color. This tinting gradually subsided, but it was powerful to me then, a type of inducement of hallucinogenic states through doing nearly nothing at all. Today, meditating in front of the fountain, I expected difficulty; I expected that those passing by would distract me, that I would get lost in their footsteps and chattering and not be able to focus, similar to what had happened to me the other night with the Shamanic Mysteries. For the most part, though, I meditated for perhaps twenty minutes and many passed by, but none were chattering, save for a man who burped right towards the end of my session. And because I was out in the open, for all to see, I figured that some were looking at me while passing and wondering what I was doing, while others were perhaps not at all curious. As distracting as those iterations on human reaction could have been, they were a minor aside, small notes considering what I was actually thinking. The meditation thoughts were more worthy, rising to the top while the other portions sank down. I was proud to have been influenced so little by the thoughts of them, more interested by the thoughts of them inside me. It was a self-back-patting moment, the non-barrier to meditative entry always a graceful and satisfying moment.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< written today

I have been reading much of Henry Miller’s Tropic Of Capricorn, and quite pleased to say that after putting it down for months I am now nearing the end of it (note: my copy does not nearly look this awesome). This book was purchased by he, one named The Unmentionable Other, back in January 2011, and it was gifted to me by Rose when she headed off to the East Coast. He had left it at her house, and she knew not who better to give it to than me. But of course, the book’s existence was of eerie timing, similar to how Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea had been, and I can’t help but think that the silly Unmentionable has some sort of magical ability, akin to what I have developed, to manifest wishes desired into reality. But the difference seems to be that he wishes to manifest tragedy, imposed tragedy, inexplicable tragedy, where I desire for more peaceful, soulful, constructive things. I suppose our romance never would have worked. I suppose the place we are now is the perfect place – and I do not doubt this, have not doubted this, but it is always popping again as the type of reminder that might never die or dispose of itself, that pigeon-pecks seeds of reality. But more fitting, though, is that one sir Mr. Henry Miller writes like me, or more I write like him, though if you take the logic that he subscribes to of there being no time but only present – we both write like each other, quite mutually. But not always. The writing is mutual when I am feeling poetic and down in the dumps, when my internal monologue is strong and rambling and stream-of-consciousness rather than analytical and exacting. The writing is mutual when my roots are, as Miller says, rooted in the ground rather than in the brain – when the brain is in the heart rather than in the head. Of course, unlike Miller, I think I find value in both, whereas he seems to find value only in the one, in the heart-in-brain…

I am here, right now, in Albina Press in South Portland. I am playing catch-up on yesterday’s activities, as they are more of note than today’s. Yesterday, I was in Seattle, and after my morning meditation which I previously described, I happened by the set of lecture halls I previously had known so well – the ones which seated hundreds of people for General Ed courses, the ones which I fell asleep in innumerous times…

I passed by at 10:15am or so, and classes were just letting out. It had crossed my mind many times to visit one of these halls again, to barge in on a random class and let fate decide what I would learn that day as though I were some Freshman or Sophomore once again. But every time I return to Seattle, I never follow through with this plan because to actually plan the plan takes away from the magic of the plan. This particular morning, however, was ripe for my education! In I walked, decision made in a matter of seconds – straight into Kane 130, site of where I failed the hardest in college (Linguistics, Dinosaurs 101… I’m serious…)

I sat down, the same college awkwardness I had once known so well once again rearing its ugly head. Am I sitting in the right place? What if I’ve taken someone’s seat? What if I end up making conversation with a college student? Wait, what the hell! I’m almost 30! Shouldn’t I be over this shit?!!! But it seems not, as in this case, I am worried I might somehow be caught and that my imposter, education-gold-digging ways might be discovered, leading to ostracization – or probably not ostracization because I don’t think anyone would have that extreme an opinion – but misunderstanding, yes. Definitely misunderstanding.

To my chagrin, the class was a Communications class. I suppose in some way a Communications class should be something I’m interested in, considering I run a music and arts publication… but by god, there’s a reason I didn’t do Communications in Undergrad; it’s just not interesting to me in the same way that Sociology was! It’s similar to the lack of magic in planning on going to a random lecture class versus the magic of stumbling into one on a whim; deconstructing Communications not my jam. Making communications more my jam. And anyway, the concept we were initially presented with in this lecture – media bias and objectivity – were ones I learned about in high school Journalism class ad nauseum. Not to say that the information wasn’t valuable, but I was seriously hoping for some information about Linguistics or Dinosaurs (maybe to make up for my previous failures) or at least something I’m a little less knowledgeable in. C’est la vie, though, and the class was interesting in very particular ways, as it was a meta-commentary upon itself (which I will get into in a little bit here).

Some things have changed since I went to school at UW. For starters, laptops are now allowed, though only in the last five rows in this particular class! I suppose this comes as no surprise, but they were never commonplace when I went to University. But I just remember someone telling me recently that students don’t write real words anymore in class, and this is clearly a lie, I’ve now discovered through first-hand knowledge (though perhaps with younger generations this is indeed true).

At one point, the teacher, Randy Beam, put up one PowerPoint slide that asked the students whether M.I.A.’s flipping off people during the Super Bowl (see below) would “fall under the FCC’s definition of indecent content?” along with a multiple choice poll where 1 meant “Probably” and 2 meant “Probably Not”. All the students immediately reached into their backpack – a point of great confusion – and retrieved teeny tiny remote controls with which they punched in their answers! What! My mind was blown! What is this madness! Technology! Interaction! Teachers who actually employ participatory tactics in a class with hundreds of people and succeed?! This is remarkable!

In fact, the teacher did much back-and-forth with the large class, and students were surprisingly responsive. No question was met with complete silence, though I will say that most opinionated students were actually rather lacking in backbone. At one point, a series of cases were presented, and students were asked to decide whether they considered the cases to be news or not news. There were some quibbles amongst the class, wherein some considered The Daily Show news and some did not; some considered an opinion piece about supermarket purchases news, and some did not. A discussion ensued. Beam asked students how they arrived at the decisions that they did, and it was altogether too easy to back those students into corners! Come on, kids! If the professor saying something like, “Why isn’t [The Daily Show] news to you? Isn’t it from the World News Headquarters in New York?” – a clear joke – is enough to notably rattle your foundations, you’ve really got to think through your answers a little more! He in fact played Devil’s Advocate a lot, and almost every time the students gave up their original opinions and some even became confused about what their original opinions were. But I suppose they are still youth and the growth of backbone and well-thought-out opinions will come in time. Or not…!

My favorite response came from the individual who decided that celebrity gossip news (about the custody battle over Anna Nicole’s baby boy – or whatever, who cares) is news, despite the fact that it may not be particularly interesting to everyone. He said, “Just because news is esoteric doesn’t mean it’s not news. Some people wouldn’t consider sports news news.” This was perhaps the most profound and well-thought-out argument in the class. Kudos!

Though I left half-way through the lecture, during the conveniently-timed break (I really needed to leave then, and it would have been awkward if I had to leave mid-lecture!), the teacher hinted at what he would go on to discuss in the second half: how certain stories are picked over others, and why.

“It’s kind of chance [and idiosyncratic] what gets to be news,” he said, “because there is no standard definition of what is news and what is not.”

But the point of mega-meta-hilarity came from Beam’s earlier question. “Why isn’t anyone going to cover Com 201, unless I am doing something illegal?” he’d asked.

Exploding silent giggles to self! I was planning to cover Com 201 the whole time! And he wasn’t doing something illegal! But is this news? What is news? Is a blog post news? Is this too esoteric to be news? Is my opinion news? God, I don’t know anymore! I am reporting facts but my opinion is all over this thing! But isn’t that all news? Isn’t that the Daily Show? Isn’t that NBC and Fox News? Help me, Mr. Beam! What is news!!!!!!!!!?

EDIT >>>

Of course, I wrote the professor. His response: “This is a hoot — the irony of you “covering” a class about news when I was suggesting no one would ever consider it news. I just gotta talk about this tomorrow. Thanks for sending, Vivian. –RB”

These things are fun.

to fill in the gaps! before the gap!

i’m listening to… little dragon’s ritual union album.

beginning tomorrow morning, when i awake, i will no longer be speaking, for an entire month, until february 22nd.

why am i doing this, why am i doing this, why am i doing this? the inevitable question.

there are a few reasons, but most simply, i’ve been wanting to do it for more than a year now, since i met jonny and he was taking a vow of silence. jonny is in florida now — he moved there — and we have exchanged a message each, and i’m popping one in the mail tomorrow. it’s funny; i had vaguely liked him (mostly cause he is kind of the most attractive dude ever) but anyway, lots of stuff happened, and then i wrote him about all the things that happened, and he told me he had just always assumed i had had a boyfriend though he had never explicitly met a boyfriend of mine. i found that completely bizarre, and don’t really understand why he would think such a thing… but anyway…

as for reasons!

on the more personal end:

{1} i’m curious if i can even do it. it is going to require an intennnnnse amount of self-control, and i’m not *entirely* sure if i have that kind of self-control. it’s interesting, actually, i don’t usually feel like speaking all that much, in general, and very rarely around big groups of people… but now that speaking is actually “at stake,” i keep getting these urges to speak! it’s insane! i woke up this morning and the first thing i wanted to do was talk, but i didn’t even have anything i really wanted to talk about… it was just the act of doing it, now at stake, that called for itself to be exercised, trying to assert to me that yes, indeed, it would be missed!!!!!!!!!

{2} i kind of have a problem, in general, with people speaking too much. i wonder if this practice will make me more tolerant of people who speak a lot, or if it will be the opposite.

{3} i would say it would grow my listening abilities, but i honestly think i’m pretty good at listening, already…

on a more external level:

{1} i’m curious how this will change people’s reactions to me.

{2} i wonder if this will make people consider how much they talk.

{3} i wonder if people who spend a lot of time with me will spend less time with me.

{4} ?????? there are a bunch more; i just can’t think of them right now really!

but yeah. if i do make it, it should be interesting. as far as i am concerned, it’s like an altered mind state… but absolutely free, which is just wonderful!

———————————————————————————————————–

IN OTHER NEWS.

i found someone’s check on the side of the street the other day and mailed it back to the guy whose address was on it. got this back today…

(the top picture also features this awesome cow glass roxanne bought me for christmas. the cow on the handle, man. it’s all about the cow on handle.)

also, more generally, i got a message from someone named daniel. i think it was after he found my social experiments website. i’m not going to copy and paste the whole note, but partially…

i made a new bookmark folder for you. its called ‘fun’. thanks for that. i’ve now added fuckyouverymuch.dk to it which is simple but neat and is kinda the same category but totally not.

pretty awesome. i love random emailssssssssssssss! it is also simultaneous madness and awesomeness that you can hold onto all of your email now in such a concrete manner……………………!

what else. i met up with gabe downtown to try and pitch him an art show, but unfortunately they’re full-up for the year (unless i plan a one-off event rather than an installation). but whatever. i guess i will just make the thing myself and get it installed somewhere after i make it. hopefully i don’t go insane making it and?? storing it in my house?!!!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! i need a studio! except i’m too fucking poor!

the oregon jung society has this awesome ass lecture series coming up. february’s events are these, and i wrote them about getting a press pass, because with the way the influences on redefine are turning out, relating that information back to arts with an article seems like a great idea…

February 17 and 18, 2012: Jane Zich
Exploring the Visual Language of the Unconscious
The realm of psyche is immeasurably great and filled with living reality. -C.G. Jung
In her lecture, Jane Zich will explore the “living reality” of the psyche as evidenced in the visual language of the unconscious that emerges in depth psychotherapy, dreams,
films, and extended active imagination processes. She will use paintings from her Vision Journey series — an image-mediated dialogue with the unconscious that has spanned seven years — to illustrate how recurrent cycles and shifts in imagery suggest a purposefulness in the visual language of the unconscious that can promote and support an “I-Thou” attitude of partnership between ego consciousness and the unconscious. Specific psychological tasks that seem required for specific stages or types of imagery will be described, as well as impasses that tend to result when those tasks are avoided or incompletely met. Dr. Zich will illustrate the role of “orienting intentions” in navigating extended dialogues with the unconscious, and will refer to image stages and related tasks for ego consciousness that can be seen in C.G. Jung’s Red Book, in cultural contexts, and in societal impasses. Time for discussion will follow.

Workshop: Opening the Gift This workshop is designed to foster an experiential exploration of the material presented in Friday’s lecture. After choosing a personal “orienting intention” for the workshop, everyone will select a wrapped gift. Before unwrapping the gift, we will take time to explore our expectations, thoughts, feelings, intuitions, sensory impressions, and attitudes stirred by this “unknown other,” symbolized by the wrapped gift. Then, as we each unwrap our gift, we will have a chance to observe our approach to discovering the “other,” including the ways our expectations around the anticipated (wrapped) gift have influenced our experience of the actual (unwrapped) gift. Through drawing, painting, collage-making, and clay-molding, we will explore the visual language of the unconscious, our personal pacing, inner resources, and rituals for honoring what is meaningful to us in such dialogues with the unconscious. Participants’ experiences will be discussed and amplified in terms of Jungian concepts and depth work as applicable to creative projects, psychotherapy, and personal growth.

UNFORTUNATELY they won’t be able to give me tickets to the workshop cause they said it has a max limit of 35 and it will probably be filled up by members, buuuuuuuuuut, whatever. i’m excited just to go to the lecture and see what that creates in my brain.

anyway.
for the last bit i’m just going to post some images of the art i’m working on. i’m tired of writing, for now. i’m sure i will be doing SHIT TONS of it in the next silent month. jesus christ. oh yeah also i went to a naturopathic doctor for an annual checkup and regular checkup today. thought it would be different from a regular doctor, but it was pretty much the same considering there’s nothing -really- wrong with me and all it is is similar measurements and stuff that you will do at a regular doctor. but i will be doing blood work after my vow of silence, so hopefully that will be more interesting (but again, probably the same haha).

oh man i keep finding new things to write about. there was a pie night the other night at gina’s, in celebration of national pie day (no shit). sara made a lemon-egg pie, and jesus christ, that shit was so godamn awesome. here were my contributions. imagine them the size of little muffins ^__^

banana chipotle lime!!!!!!

chipotle cajun yam!!!!!!

so fun to make mini pies! SO FUN!!! i think i might do them all the time. it should also be noted that this was my crust recipe… so fucking easy and so good, and what’s more! did not stick to pan!!!! sourced from meatless monday. i just mixed it with my hands, though. fuck food processors! ain’t no yuppie! jokes… i wish i had a food processor 8[

3 CUPS ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR
1 1/2 TEASPOONS KOSHER SALT
1 TEASPOON BAKING POWDER
1/2 CUP VEGETABLE SHORTENING (CAN BE REPLACED WITH BUTTER IN ADDITION TO AMOUNT BELOW)
1/4 POUND COLD UNSALTED BUTTER, DICED
1/2 TO 2/3 CUP ICE WATER
EGG WASH: 1 EGG BEATEN WITH 1 TABLESPOON WATER
FLAKED SEA SALT AND CRACKED BLACK PEPPER

For the Pastry: Using a food processor, combine the flour, salt, and baking powder. Add the shortening and butter, and mix quickly with your fingers until each piece is coated with flour. Pulse 10 times, or until the fat is the size of peas. With the motor running, add the ice water; process only enough to moisten the dough and have it just come together. Dump the dough out onto a floured board, and knead it quickly into a ball. Wrap the dough in plastic, and let it to rest in the refrigerator for 30 minutes.

okay, last thing for real. here’s where i’m going with art. 3-d sculptures.

only, the new round will look like this — all hand-drawn…!!!!! source material from me. source. just you wait, dudes. i’m going to force this year to be a big art year!

blarbargh blarghath neglecting myself.

in honor of having a real relationship, i have been neglecting myself. i feel good about it, mostly, but for the past couple days i have felt less good about it! i have goals! and it’s easy to get distracted. luckily, my schedule has been more free than usual as of late — primarily due to no longer feeling the burden of heavy social responsibility with regards to many interactions — so it has generally worked out. but i’m getting back to me, at least for this evening, because i’ve realized that i only have two weeks before rose and i embark on this:

this, this, this! what is this? a road trip plan! a plan for a road trip! and it is coming, sooooooooooooooooo ridiculously soon. currently in the process of attempting to find someone to sublet my apartment and/or trade me for two weeks. ideally someone in new york so i would have a place to stay in new york. man, would that be amazing…

the temporary plan is this… (copy and pasted from an email from rose…)

Oregon >
13th – 7.5 Boise, ID *
14th – 5.5 Idaho, SLC
15th/16 – 8.3 Denver, CO *
17- 7.5 Lincoln
18 – 1 – Omaha, NE
19 – 4.5 – Cedar Rapids
20- 4 Chicago, IL – **
21st – 4.5 Ann Arbor, MI
22nd – 1 detriot + 4 Hamilton, Canada
23rd – 4 Niagra / Border Patrol / Syracuse, NY
24th – 5 NY NY NY NY NY NY!!!

honestly, it is all a bit short for my liking and i’d rather just get to new york by the 28th… buuut whatever. it’s kinda crazy that sometime during the past week there was a hurricane warning that turned new york into a potential “state of emergency” and i had heard nothing about it whatsoever! luckily troy actually gives a shit about the news and can tell me things, but as this girl who works at palace — nicole — and i were discussing, it’s very simple to stay in a bubble in portland. neither of us had any clue… it’s so easy to get lost in the micro here, in the everyday routine…

anyway, back to the road trip.

will be staying with brian baker in boise, will be staying with ed and kathy in denver. met a few people this past sunday from ann arbor who might be able to take us around, so that’s potentially exciting — though i think we might be getting in after the guy leaves, which is too bad. but we’ll see! but there seem to be a lot of randoid connections since nim is actually originally from ann arbor.

tonight troy and i watched this movie at grindhouse in hollywood theatre… it was pretty amazing, i must tell you. it’s like a bunch of extremely proper british hippies turned into bike zombies. not even joking. minor touchings-upons on the occult and other ridiculousness. at some point, main character dude was wearing really tight leather pants (of the type i used to have) and a white turtleneck tucked into his tight leather pants. like… really? this is what you’re wearing?

speaking of such… 1) i hope to actually be able to make all freakin’ night in olympia this year after skipping it for the past two years (though i can’t seem to find any information about this year’s online); 2) forget… haha.

other than that… i had my show last thursday.

after all was said and done, it was like ~150 people plus performers, but it felt very full and the vibe was appropriately amazing. i’m so stoked to be in this weird position where i can throw psychedelic shows like this.

the write-up from portland mercury’s up & coming:

INTUITIVE NAVIGATION: GOLDEN RETRIEVER, SWAHILI, MIDDAY VEIL, BILLIONS AND BILLIONS, BLACK SCIENCE
(Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) Holocene gets dressed up as an empyrean dream world tonight for Redefine magazine’s Intuitive Navigation, a cross-disciplinary indulgence of film, music, dance, wearable sculpture, and art installation. Intended to facilitate a self-reflective state of meditation for the attendee, expect ritualistic performance art and hypnotic stimuli galore. The event will be soundtracked by some of the Northwest’s most prismatic artists, who will perform in costume along with visual artists and dancers to enhance the immersive experience. Take special note of the evening’s headliner, Portland’s best bet for trance-induction: the soporifically zonked Golden Retriever. CHRIS CANTINO

the write-up from willamette week:

[INDISCIPLINARY ART EXPERIENCE] A spinoff of a similar event that happened at Holocene in December 2010, Intuitive Navigation gathers a handful of psych, drone and experimental bands and pairs each one up with a dancer, filmmaker or artist to play with and off one another. Considering the tone of many of the acts—the spacious dreamscapes of Midday Veil, Golden Retriever’s glorious tonal smears and the sharp metallic edges wielded by Black Science—this isn’t a night to be taken lightly or without a little chemical boost to help let the music and visuals take you to a higher plane.

i’m super stoked to be able to throw trippy-ass events. more. to. come. i. hope. i like the schedule right now… every three or so months a new event? sounds good to me, anyway… that’s actually quite a bit! and sure, some are more successful than others, but it’s all in the wrists, kids!

i’m presently watching a documentary of people’s confessions in church… it’s alright. it’s just strange because the people are confessing but looking at the camera, eyes open, while they’re doing it. doesn’t feel like they are talking to a priest, and therefore feels less real. but maybe it is real. it is visually quite appealing, though, in the way that i like to take photography. it’s sad, though, at this point. i don’t really care about photography like, at all. it seems like a dumb thing that anyone can do. its appeal is lost to me, for the mooooooooooost part.

i wanna share some pics from intuitive navigation… but sometime soon. later.

am i thinking critically these days? i am. but every day is no longer a huge revelation.

a couple weekends ago we went to helsing junction, on the farm. it was pretty amazing, but it was also an amount of shroomery of which i have not experienced before. was crippling at some junctures, actually. i think i said to troy a few times, “it’s hard to be much more than a lump,” because that is essentially how i felt. also, bagged pita bread tasted like the grossest thing ever; i could taste the plastic. fresh fruit was not as bad, but i had no appetite, pretty much. was interesting.

at some point, troy and i had been rolling around on gina’s air mattress (hilarious thing to bring) and finally decided to get up and go towards where the people were in the main area. and like five minutes after we got out there, everyone had decided to take a group photograph at the top of this haystack period. it was such good timing, especially since the timing felt arbitrary as fuck. like… there was no reason for that picture to have been happening at that time, really.

we also spent a fair amount of time wading around in the river, which was fun. floating down that river was pretty wonderful, indeeeeeeeeeeeed. what we barely ended up doing — despite the fact that it was a concert — was seeing music. we saw some, for sure. shoulda saw more. or not. but yeah. oh yeah. rose’s sister kathy was in town… and she was really, really awesome. instantly likable. and very mom like. and at some point we were in apple orchards, starting at one and then retreating inwards from the field to escape the sun… just taking over aisle after aisle, like locusts! and luckily kathy was around to clean up our mess a few times, as we blocked off the locations to other people’s tents and stuff. honestly, it was a bit rude, but i was out of it, so.

it dawned on me while i was there that i needed to write back to my prison penpals really soon. it’s been really quite a long time. i need to do that.

i am wanting to go up to seattle this weekend so i can give lenny some money i owe him and also take him to sushi because i had bought him this meal to red fin (expensive and good, supposedly) and it expires next month. sherry just got to singapore. lenny is going later in september. it’s crazy that two of my best friends are going to be in singapore at that time and i can’t even be there. aghhhh! because i need to go on this road trip!!! arggghhhh! this is fine and good, of course, but at the same time, SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKS. but this is what happens. we can’t get everything we want all the time, although i come close! so fine. i can’t complain…

also, today… i won a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant that’s really close by! YEAHHHH! also, tomorrow, we’re going to eat ethiopian food… yeaaaaaaaah! also, tomorrow, we’re going to aquarian, this weird psychic church thing. more on that later.

also, really romped through a whole bunch of korean music videos the other night. some memories, man. here are the songs i dug up this particular time, many of which were like, HOLY SHITTTT…

young turks – ta een (sigh, one of my favorites back then)

lee junghyun – bakwuh

j – like yesterday

sechskies – pomsaeng pomsah

solid – eebameh keuteul japgo (completely forgot about this one)

s#arp – tell me

s#arp – lying

shinhwa – chun il yoo hon

yoo seungjun – gawee

turbo – december (definitely an og favorite, too)

dj doc – l.i.e. (from an album i rocked so hard later on in my kpop phase)

dj doc – bi ae (same as above… gahhh, so good!)

oh yeah, yesterday maddy cut my hair! yay! it’s now really short on one side and i still have what they call “the tusk” on the other side. it’s really long. and then paul read maddy’s tarot at a bar (dig a pony… it’s new and super nice). maddy is leaving soon to move back to minnesota, which is really sad, but it really seems like a good move for her. it seems very positive, and it seems like she knows what she is doing.

sigggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.i wanna travel really bad. and i guess i am, but i mean… internationally.

this movie has really nice symmetries, many of which are images from churches. it’s called “jesus, you know”.

also, the zombie biker movie, “psychomania,” puts this song in my head. (i’ve embedded this video before; this person sucks at spelling and lyrics.)

this is the end of this post. i will stop editing it ad nauseum!

dude i lied, this lady on this film just got real and was like, “he distracts me from my life. he ruins my prayers. help me to forget him. it’s all so difficult. so tremendously difficult. i must make an effort not to kill him. because i have poison. i have poison. i have access. but i don’t want to kill myself either. i am not allowed to. but in the night when i cannot sleep, i imagine how it would be if i were dead. if it would grieve him, if he would be sorry. but thank god the night comes to an end. and when the sun comes up and i leave the house, then thank god, these thoughts fade away.”

cray-crayyyyyyyyyyzy. but interesting. this is the advise she is beseeching jesus for. help her out, brah. guess what’s going on is that her husband is doing the hanky-panky with another lady. a married one! tsk-tsk!

not gonna lie…

parents were just here, visiting me, in portland, for a few days.

what can i say… the first couple days were fine, even pleasant, even, though it has to be taken into consideration that it was mostly pleasant because of what it wasn’t — that it was pleasant because i had expected worse and gotten dished out less than “worse.” but hey, standards are standards, although they may not be extremely high. so there’s that.

this particular evening, we went to shandong in portland. first time going to that restaurant, and i must say that i was quite very stoked that there is! indeed! close-in! portland! good! chinese! food! shandong was half americanized, but in a really good way… it was authentic although it catered very much to americans. so i am into it. the dan dan mian (which i will now make in the future nearest) was of particular note, and they have a really good koreanized jja jjang myun… so i’m into that, too. i will definitely be going back, oh yessss. so excited. funny that it is down the street from the ambassador — this really funny chinese food / karaoke place that troy and i went to on our first date. dare i say the ambassador even had a better chinese eggplant dish than shandong, and i’d say the ma po tofu, too? i dare. funny fun fun funs.

anyway. when the parents came, we did some hefty driving, first to silver falls state park — apparently in the amazingly named city called sublimity. that place has like this trail that is 8.5 miles long and goes through 10 waterfalls. the north falls were AMAZING because they fall from pretty high and then have a seating area behind them that is carved into the rock and is basically a circular section looking out onto the opening of the rest of the park. hard to explain — will have to snag a photograph from the mother who actually took photographs — but yeah.

yesterday, we went to astoria (pretty pointless, i must admit) and then to seaside, which looks totally different in the summer! last time i went there was in the winter, or fall or something, with sherry and tinwin. i don’t feel like half the shit that was open this time was open then. i bought a shit ton of salt water taffy. some that was super cheap and some that was more expensive… i must say… more expensive salt water taffy is WAY better than cheaper salt water taffy. the chocolate peanut butter ones i got (more expensive) had real peanut butter and just generally hella ruled. the other kind all kind of tasted artificial, and very little like what flavor it was supposed to, no matter what flavor you got…

the rents met troy and really, really liked him. and generally, they gave everyone a good impression when in a public setting. i feel bad in some ways, because hanging out with them too much makes me turn into this ugly, ugly person that i am usually never like around anyone else; it is just that they are so, so, so suffocating, and negative… and there’s so much a reason that i broke away and live on my own and will never go back. i mean… it’s nice to see them occasionally, but rather horrible to feel like i am constantly being judged and micro-managed. i felt bad in some ways that troy would ask me how my day was — when the rents were here — and i could kind of only answer in the negative because it was a negative… because whereas usually i can make shit roll right off my back, in the case of my immediate family, it is truly, truly something else. i just can’t let shit slide in that way. it’s just not possible… everything is just such, such a far cry from who i am. i am the opposite of planning out every second of my day, of worrying about every little thing… and though i care about those things sometimes more than my friends, the degree to which i’ve scaled it down from my origins is like… almost insurmountable.

but anyway. originally my dad had really not wanted to go to dinner because he thought he’d have to pay for everyone, but he ended up footing the bill, though i have to say that literally the reasoning he gave me was (said in chinese): “it looks better this way.” and yes, it did, but… yeah. i mean… i pick up the details that may get lost in translation but i suppose in every family and with every set of facades, only those who were really in it know the truth? and there are a lot of things i could say but suppress. today, i found myself taking deep breaths a couple of times to get a double-take and to not say things that were biting and unnecessary… but those deep breaths and second thoughts only accounted for like, 2% of the things i probably did end up saying, or the bad attitude that i gave off when i shouldn’t have… i don’t know, man. i don’t know. it’s something i have to work on… because yes, they are in the wrong, but i could act better, too… i could take the attitudes that i take in other aspects of life… of going with the flow… of letting things go… and apply it to these difficult familial situations, as well. i’m learning…

i haven’t updated in a while, so this is a complete brain dump.

my parents met troy a couple nights ago and were quite stoked on him. (we went to blossoming lotus, and i was rather surprised that they kinda liked it… but i was glad to give them the new experience because it was their first time eating at a place with food that said GF — gluten-free, R — raw, and … something else i forget… dad said it made him poop well… dad loves to comment on toilets and bathroom facilities… seriously…) anyhoot. troy seems like the type who would probably please any parent. but seriously, they had nothing but nice things to say about him, which is good. dad even went as far as saying he was pretty good-looking, haha. it’s funny, though, because dad barely said anything to him — but, as troy was pointing out today, of the three things dad DID say to him, one involved inviting him to taiwan in november. which is pretty hilarious. like. dude. we’ve been dating for a month! luckily, i can say these things to troy, and dad can say shit to him (like tonight at dinner: “take care of my daughter!”) amongst a table full of 7 other friends (robby, rachel, shawn, andrew, christopher, rose, gina)… and troy won’t get frightened away. haha. i guess that’s good. the other night at blossoming lotus troy thanked dad for paying for dinner, and he said, “it’s family!” and in a lot of circumstances it would be truly head-in-the-hands “fuuuuuuuuuuuck” — and in this case it was subtle and he barely heard it, but “take care of my daughter!” today was definitely met with a head-in-the-hands reaction on my part and a lot of laughter on everyone else’s part. luckily, it was funny enough that it wasn’t uhhhh hugely awkward. it’s just funny because money is such a “thing” with the rents, and such not a thing for me… they said multiple times, “troy seems nice!” to which i would respond, “he’s the best!” and mom would respond with something like, “the best should still need to know how to earn money!” once, dad said, “i hope he makes enough money to take care of the both of you!” or that “he knows how to plan for your future!” and… firstly, it’s like, dude… we have been dating for a month… secondly, it’s like… dude, we split payment on a lot of things, and i do that with all guys i date… and thirdly, it’s like… dude… we’ve been dating for a month. haha. even if it feels like longer than that…

a couple days ago troy and i went and had a picnic at colonel summers, and i started telling him about a dream i had about george clooney. when i initially told gina this dream, she said, “troy is kind of a george clooney,” and it was only until i started telling him this dream that i began to realize that fuck, the dream kind of was about him, or something. what happened in the dream was that the police were looking for george clooney in this city with super narrow streets and high walls (kind of like siena in italy, or something). they looked for a really long time and could not find him. finally, i think they stop looking, and i run into him. i jump up and hug onto him, like a koala bear, and am bawling FURIOUSLY. i have never cried like this in a dream or in real life. soon thereafter, he lets me down or something, and says, “but i am going to see you in a couple days!” and i instantly start laughing. end of dream. this was when troy was on tour… totally was about him… and i don’t know why i didn’t realize it until that moment when i was retelling it to him. sooooooooooo weird. sooooooooooooooooooo weird.

life is funny, anyway. shit just pops out and punches you in the face and you’re just like… whaaaaaaaaaaaat. there have been no use of words like the “L” word — whatever — but there certainly has this feeling of just this thing being the realest, easiest thing i’ve ever had. it’s pretty fucking crazy. i am really, really happy.

in the work world, too — life is good and easy. i pretty much have not had to look for graphic design projects in a really long time, and everything is just… easy… and it’s good… 2011 is the most magical of years. and i’m just trying to figure out the best way to round the rest of it out. for starters, beginning in mid-september, i will be embarking on a cross-country road trip with rose, who is moving out to new york. it will be something else, i am sure. until then… i have a little more than a month (man, time is flying, again) to do a million things… psychedelic things… helsing junction farm sleepover things… camping under the stars things… loving life things… eating food things… soaking in everything wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful things…

i’m ready.

OH DUH. it is to be noted that last saturday, rose, gina, robby, andrew, and i went camping and found an amazing, amazing, amazing situation for ourselves. these are robby’s photographs from his iphone. see below. OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

basically, gina / niko’s friend bobby had a space out in southern washington that he shares with this hippie retreat place… they have a bunch of land friends can camp on. we had a bonfire and basically slept under the stars — no tent — and then went hiking the next day. gina destroyed her really awesome sneakers hiking in the river. ah man. it was good times… there were a lot of s’mores eaten. probably too many s’mores. but it happens…

campground area:

but yeah. we found a really amazing swimming hole with a waterfall. below are pictures from it. pretty much there was life before the waterfall and life after the waterfall… haha.

robby tried to dive into the river with us but then froze to death (0 body fat) and then had to get out. as for andrew and i, we went close to the waterfall and it was seriously 2x closer there. like, it was cold when we got in, but when you got near the waterfall it was some serious shit. afterwards, the four of us were so cold we were seriously retarded. for starters, we could only — in andrew’s terms — “shrimp” to the shore… as in — we were walking upright when we went into the water but crawling on all fours when we got out. it was also like a three mile hike into the waterfall area, through rivers, and while it was slightly challenging and uncomfortable on the way there, on the way back we were seriously being so retarded… practically falling off logs… i felt like i was way closer to nature because of the poor decision-making skills i’d newly possessed: rather than going over a set of fallen branches, for example, i would crawl in between them and find my face now inches from ferns i would have otherwise simply risen above… it was strange, profoundly strange, deliriously delightfully naturally strange. high, high, high!!!!

carebear strikes again.

mom’s original email:

Hi! Phil and Vivian,

How’s everything? We are doing fine. If you need to contact me, just send email to me. I can find Roxanne’s email address, say hello for us.

Mom

my response, part one:

things are good! really busy!
where are you guys now and what is the latest thing you’ve seen?

my response, part two:

you know what would be fun.
i think from now on our emails should all include 2 thing that have recently happened which have made you happy, and 1 thing you’re looking forward to!!! OKAY??!
[ [ [ [ [ PS - PHIL DID YOU EVER GIVE THEM MY PRESENT?????????????????????? ] ] ] ] ]

i’ll go first.

- COMING UP: i’m looking forward to seeing everyone at jeremy’s wedding this weekend! not looking forward to giving wedding $$$ ;p
- PASSED: my friend just gave me a bunch of images of his artwork. you can see it here… it’s the trees! he started with a single brush stroke (japanese sumi ink) and then added the trees after the basic shape was formed. they’re all differerent and all really incredible. see here.
- PASSED: we had an alice in wonderland-themed picnic in the park last sunday…!! i made a dress, kinda. here are some pictures:

heck yeah! i will make you bitches think positively!!!

>>>

in other news.
it’s funny to have recently met the swahili people because they are so much on the same page… i mean, they even say “so good,” which is pretty much just really super ridiculous. cosmic.

today i went to a lecture that troy (yeah, troy, but not the los angeles one) invited me to about science versus belief. it was interesting… interesting in that… i am also trying to bridge science with spirituality, but the route the dude (a chemist who basically reworked entire theoretical physics models to fit his worldview…) took was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far removed from everything i’ve been thinking though the basic topics are still there. as is the basic notion of duality… so… i can say he’s astute, but i disagree completely with EVERYTHING he said, and it was maddening because there were people in the audience (“audience”) who were really quick to accept his theoretical model though his graphs and charts meant NOTHING at all and had NO value… and one guy behind me was saying, “you just have to realize that people are idiots and the majority of people don’t know what’s right!” and that was his argument against the current theoretical physics models. it was kind of sickening and really, really disturbing. anyway, the fact that he is a chemist — an extremely rigid form of science because as blake said, “it’s generally figured out and is a complete science,” only adds to the fact that i think what he’s saying is crap. furthermore, he would say stuff like, “that just doesn’t look right to me,” and that was essentially his justification for that stuff being ‘wrong’ and his model being ‘right’. man, i swear, you can manipulate data in any way to construct the reality you want…

anyway, i’m going to los angeles this weekend for jeremy’s wedding. i am going to call up troy. i rather doubt he will meet up with me… or even responsd to me… but i’ll try anyway. other than that… oh right, xinlei got engaged. aaaah! everyone!

and lastly, one more thing. after last friday’s chemical ingestion session with blake, the next day, I BECAME A PRO BIKER! seriously, though. i went to research club the following day and was biking circles in ladd’s addition with no hands. weirdest fucking shit. it just magically clicked and now i can bike huge huge huge huge huge huge huge huge huge stretches and blocks and blocks with no hands. and i don’t even have to think about it. it’s super easy. second nature. makes ZERO sense. i dunno what clicked or why, but something clicked. SO WEIRD.

blake also leaves in a couple weeks for montana and then the east coast, which is kind of a little strange. i don’t think i’ll realize just how strange til it happens, though…!

i also opened a new bank account with wells fargo because they don’t charge you the same amount in ridiculous fees that chase does. the banker who opened my account was really quite fun. he also told me a banking joke — of “which there are not many” — but i guess people at wells fargo say that “chase chases all their customers to [us]“. har har har.

anyway. exciting things coming up. i’m finally lighting a fire under my ass again, at least a little bit…

I SO DON’T CARE RIGHT NOW.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
get off my backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

the other day with the mushrooms, i pretty much just wanted to roll around on the grass.
didn’t do it, though.
kind of wish i had.

i am naturally a pretty avoidant person.
portland makes it difficult to evade.

argh, want to sleep, can only write.

ohhhhhhhh problems that aren’t really problems. i really wanna go to bed even though i more or less woke up at 5pm today. so tired. intense weekend. intense weekend of intense awesomeness.

friday was a flight of fancy which involved setting up many a screen and watching trippy visuals, as well as replaying casablanca five+ times (yet still not knowing wtf happened in it). life is just fine. it’s really good. i’ll write a more useful entry on the things that have happened when i get a chance… i forget how long it has been since i’ve written… so busy full of living life i’ve been… kind of would rather just use photographs…

alice in wonderland tea party yesterday. it was really great. turned out better than imagined. really. everyone had the best of times… love, love, love. it’s like bringing the ’60s back into swing. i’m happy that things are happening, and that i’m making them happen…

too busy to write is actually not a good feeling.

i’m listening to… the zombies.

—

i thought this week would be a piece of cake! i suppose it is in the conventional regard but i was telling robby, “oh sure! i can meet up anytime this week!” but that turned out to be a huge ball of lie as this week, which had seemed so very free, in fact was not… for starters there are like, three friends’ birthdays this week, one of which will probably be celebrated twice, and it’s just all around “aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh!!!” insanity!!

but you know, whatever.

there has been an all-time high use of that thing we call mary jane at our home because shawn is out of town on the east coast and austin is living in his place. austin is quite a fan of such, and rose and sarah have been coming over to hang, and andrew is quite a fan of such, too… so it’s an all-around… smokery mess… the household dynamic is ever-interesting. man. not gonna lie. been paying only minimal attention to all of the responsibilities i should probably be taking care offffffff in terms of redefine. i mean. i’m doing a bunch of shit but there’s a never-ending amount of additional shit to do which has been neglected ;s need more hours in the day…

anyway. i really want to not write right now because it takes time but i think i need to.

life is been unbelievable in terms of synchronicities this year, as i have already been talking about, but it’s kind of at an all-time high, particularly since i started realizing it. gawsh, i hope our minds are not literally just our minds and that all of THIS is not some elaborate fantasy. it’d be quite elaborate and quite fascinating that a mind could construct such butttttttttttt. yeah.

the past few days have been non-stop philosophical conversation, to the point of some serious, serious life reflection… in this… mind-numbing, all-of-this-is-way-too-big-for-us-to-possibly comprehend type fashion. the other night after watching “pi,” rose and austin and i were talking outside on the porch and they were totally on the extreme frOo-frOo spiritual side of things, making me feel like this scientific extremist even though i’m not. blake was passed out on the couch so he was not able to join the discussion which was too bad, because they were just like, “i feel so much!” and i was like, “what the fuck!!” i wasn’t angry, but it was a very like, involved discussion… but in either case, it was interesting because there were these points that kept coming up that they were saying but that blake had said other nights… for example… they were talking about how it would be great to change education in a way that taught children how to rely on emotions and intuition… whereas the other night, blake was talking about how it would be great to change humanity by teaching people to reason and think logically. so fucking weird these polarizations, and hearing both sides, and being essentially the mediator of these sides that stand in stark contrast to one another… it’s kind of maddening. actually, i think my body is pretty pissed at me and is really stressed out. i really want to stretch non-stop…

anyway, another portion of our conversation was brought up by austin, who said that perhaps a solution to some of life’s problems of extreme emotions was turning to this buddhist way of thought… by clearing the mind of thought so that one could think about nothing until an emotion passed… because emotions supposedly only last a short amount of time. to this, i was like WHAT THE FUCK THAT MAKES NO SENSE. and i was trying to argue it from the standpoint that firstly, you couldn’t clear your mind completely really, and even if you did… it would not be at all useful in a modern world because the thought that were bothering you would probably just re-emerge like 5 minutes later, and what could you possibly do? clear your mind non-stop every 5 minutes? it’s simply not practical.

(man… side note… i haven’t had the impetus or time to listen to ANY new music. it’s a fucking problem, seriously…)

what else did we argue about… back to the emotional teaching model of thinking… they were both saying how it would be great if we could teach people to properly emote because that would solve all the problems, and i thought that that was missing the point entirely; teaching someone to rationalize was one thing… scary potentially, yes, but more possible than teaching someone emotion because we have absolutely no grasp on emotions… the prospect of teaching people how to emote is WAY scarier than the prospect of teaching people how to think logically. i don’t know if it is was cause they were stoned (probably a contributing factor) but this line of thinking was rather maddening to me, and again, it was like, “GODAMMIT BLAKE WAKE UP CAUSE I FEEL LIKE AN EXTREME SCIENTIST WHEN REALLY I’M JUST PRETTY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD AND THEY ARE FAR FAR FAR IN LEFT FIELD!”

anyh00t. they were also talking about how teaching emotional awareness would lead to the solving of the earth’s problems, that humans would stop destroying the world around us and realize that we are all connected to everything around us and we should therefore take care of it… and i ended up taking this stance that everything is ultimately selfish, from every human to every tree that is struggling simply to live… and that the trees were not destroying things not because they didn’t want to but because they literally did not have the faculties. that they couldn’t even consider destroying everything because they don’t have godamn arms and shit. they brought up that chimpanzees were similar to people and that they didn’t destroy the earth like we do, and i had to say that they do, that they war and fight against one another, and would probably do more only they don’t have the tools to do so… that we destroy because it’s in our nature, to a degree, and because we have the faculties to do so… they seemed to take on a super pessimistic viewpoint, but only of humanity, saying that it is only humans who sets out to destroy all things, and that all other beings in life work together to help each other. austin talked about how there’s evidence that cells group together and work together to help each other and that animals do too (? i don’t know details and he didn’t say specifics ?) and i had to be like, “wtf, human beings do all sorts of great things and work together on all sorts of great things!” to which rose was like, “like what?” (?!) and i was like, “what do you mean like what? look at this fucking fence! it’s fucking great!” it ended up being a point in my argument that human beings, even with the best of intentions — even if instilled with love of the earth — intrinsically need to create and by creating end up creating waste… that we destroy the earth by virtue of being curious and having large enough of brains! i don’t know why this argument even needed to be argued! it seems like a no brainer!!! again, being stoned probably didn’t help them with their thinking, but!! aaaghhh! maddening!!!

MADDENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

other than that, went to sauvie’s island this past weekend with rose and blake for the first time, which was quite nice. ugh, i’m sleepy. it’s midnight-thirty, and i have oh-so-many errands to run tomorrow. i think i will actually be able to wake up early and get everything i need to fucking do fucking done, yo.

ugh. i actually wanted to write down a why-life-is-so-fucking-crazy-this-year type equation or list of events but this is going to take a while. i will try to summarize quickly.

january > sucked, essentially, haha. got better towards the end, but what-in-the-hell-ever.

febuary > started realizing some interesting coincidences and feeling a different kind of energy. horoscope lineups and all sorts of synchronicities. psyching oneself out on the amazingness of life, generally-speaking.

march > everything everything everything seemed to go flawlessly, effortlessly well. mysterious energies, again, found in things like horoscopes, tarot, etc. interest in duality, stemming a lot from literature, in re-readings of vladimir nabokov, in aldous huxley and related things… slight bent on spirituality, though spirituality from a very concretely written point of view… not entirely frou-frou, but grounded in a pretty solid kind of way (other than baudelaire). all of these books which pointed in this direction were attained rather synchronicitously, baudelaire by random excursion into a borders bookstore that was closing down; aldous huxley by random trip to a bookstore in new mexico; etc. comparisons between baudelaire and metaphysics, symmetry in asymmetry, order in chaos… influenced my writing a lot, lots of pattern-based writing and careful attention to structures… as if i didn’t do that enough already, ugh, but baudelaire kind of contributed a lot more to that…

april > bit the butt in many ways. spent a month alone contemplating the concept of duality. every piece of literature i read — particularly charles baudelaire — began to shape my reality more and more, and interesting that i only probably became interested in baudelaire because of troy… and all the more interested because “it”: a) didn’t work out; b) gave me a lot of introspection in a period when i spent all my time by myself in california. timing could not have been better. seriously. picked up book by sartre, in the only place i could find it, which was the dublin library. read it and the timing was perfect. being by myself in california, had the occasion to begin writing my own book, highly inspired by sartre’s nausea… slightly philosophically, but more in structure and writing style. again, the whole troy thing lighting a fire under my creative ass…

may > began noticing dualities between metaphysics and spirituality… something kind of intrinsically felt in my life but difficult to explain as i barely know anything about either… kind of just a feeling. continue writing book. continue exploring such concepts through conversations. finding a close duality in another human being that makes for some senses of knowledge-completion. two sides of the same coin, both providing me with viewpoints — literature, one, with a focus on poetry; science, two, with a focus on philosophy… both equally abstract, but not to them… but very obvious to me, as a middle-of-the-roader, and the timing is just sheer insanity, and the parallels between the two even larger insanities. in addition to that parallel, though, it all just kind of clicked one night at a party, being sandwiched between a spiritual-minded individual and a science-minded individual, both with quite similar ideas, via different terminology and interpretations. but again. me = middle of the road.

june > conversations intensifying with themes of duality, but moreso this exploration between metaphysics / physics and spirituality… things practically falling into my lap. books being introduced which address the idea of parallels between quantum-level physics and spirituality, lectures and quotes coming up without my even looking…. and this month has only just begun. i resolved a couple days ago to begin dedicating myself, in a way, to studying this topic and trying to synthesize the information in a meaningful way because i know not what else i can do with these topics which keep coming up. i am trying to find the connection between intuition and rationalization — in what ways they are two sides of the same coin. errrf, i guess i am trying to explore the relationship between quantum-level physics and spirituality, via philosophy and literature. what.

hopefully these notes make sense. fuck.
probably will make sense to very few people.
the coincidental power… i don’t know what to do with it.

i think my body is not stoked. i feel suuuuuuuuuper stressed out, my thyroid is super swollen, and oh yeah, i think i can never smoke mary jane again. seriously. it makes me feel like shit — about myself, the universe, etc.

:>>> :>>> :>>>

but yeah here is the problem with studying this stuff; a scientist is largely isolated from religion, a religious person largely isolated from science. the idea is to find the cross-over… i am looking for patterns by loosely studying both ends, and then the goal is to interview the proper people to find more parallels and patterns. fuck. this seems fucking like a crazy undertaking… there are very few human beings to talk to about this, honestly.

—

lenny: (about above)
it makes sense
but i have a hard time relating that to the world i guess

me:
i can understand that
i can barely relate
just kind of happened
as, if you believe in this kind of bullshit, happens..

lenny:
like, what exactly happens to make you realize stuff like this exists
i dont even know what the stuff i’m referring to is

me:
i dont know man. this year i just started feeling this really weird way like everything was working out really well
and then throguh books that were introduced
these ideas just came up
and then kept going
so i guess it started with intrinsic feeling and got solidified by knowledge shared by other people which vibed similarly with feelings i was unexplainably feeling
whoa.
this is a new idea i hadnt thought of.

lenny:
im still pretty lost
what kind of ideas?

me:
let me give you some quotes
ok so life was going really well
effortlessly well
in feb/march
to the point where im like… this is barely life… life cant be this easy
and then i read this book. and this quote kinda describes how i felt

http://hellomynameisvee.tumblr.com/post/4218407856/from-the-french-window-i-walked-out-under-a-kind

it’s like pseudo-spiritual, kinda, but not like super out there… pseudo-spiritual but in a really concretely written literary way
this was only a jump-off point
and from there i just read a LOT and all of these ideas seemed to like
converge.
and a lot fo the books i didnt even look for, i mean i kind of did by the sheer act of going to bookstores and looking at books
but they just happened to be there and appealed to me for whatever vague reasons
and then meeting two people who are very similar in many ways and i have very similar relationships with… yet are complete opposites of people in a lot of ways and opened up two worlds for me: (1) world of abstraction through writing and literature; (2) world of abstraction through philosophy
and also these meetings/intense connections being rather chance in and of themselves…
and fleeting
as though used only for the purpose of gathering knowledge
does this make a lick of sense haha

lenny:
yeah the idea of it makes sense
like i get what youre saying
that recently youve been having these eye opening experiences and synchronicites in your life

me:
yeah i mean i can understand how it’s hard to realte
like a year ago i woulda been like wtf
but that’s the thing with these weird kinda spiritual things
they jut like
… pop up
and then it’s like oh i kinda get it
or something
so they’re kind of hard to explain by nature

ahhhhhhhh man.

funny, life, funny.
this past weekend in seattle =
siff opening
james blake
clay’s bed
samurai noodle
yunnie’s
daniel li (random!!!)
alki beach
pepper (most amazing fucking clothing shop ever)
alice in wonderland clothing
chupacabra
cactus
funny hell
hattie’s hat
laying around at peter’s (for fucking ever)
another earth film

yesterday was the longest day on the planet, post-cactus… seriously. longest day. it also happened to be may 21st, 2011, aka judgment day, which naturally sparked many a joke about us being in purgatory that day and that being why everything was so godamn fucking slow to the ends of the universe… .. . .. …!!! seriously drove from ballard to capitol hill and ended up stopping at -every-single-traffic-light-on-the-planet. it was insanity!

cactus was funny. involuntarily became third wheel (ick, but hilarious… like, really hilarious). all of my ‘stuff’ like my ipod and sketchbook were in the car and the room where it would have been difficult for me to grab stuff (respectively). anyway, so i was in this weird horrible purgatory where the magnetic fields were playing uber romantic music and it was driving me fucking CRAZY but i couldn’t turn it off and i couldn’t get my ipod to drown it out… yet with the cactus it’s kind of like this funny reverse on horrible situations, where it’s like, “well, that sucks so bad… but it’s so hilarious in its triviality.”

anyway, drove back after the long day and got back to our place at like, 1:15am. ahhhhhhhhhh man.

as for today… the universe and/or circumstances sure have a helluva sense of humor. i don’t even quite know what to do with myself right now; some things certainly feel blissed out… .. . i feel how one feels when experiencing young love, but it won’t last; in fact, i know that it more than won’t last because time is limited… .. . and distance is going to grow… .. . and all the more miserable that i am gone so frequently within the upcoming month. ahh… not sure how to feel. i thought the unmentionable other made me feel real — but this is the next level of that. i feel completely like a wacky inflatable arm man! i am totally learning about temporariness, but not about fate or destiny! i am learning about decisions and sacrifices, but not about patience! i am learning about letting go and full-blooded diving in head-first, but not about thoughts in the mind of others.

l’amour fou, l’amour fou!!!!!!!!