i am listening to oldies. i am thinking about death.

not in any suicidal way, mind you. i just woke up with death on the mind (dream excerpt from facebook, below), and it can’t help but have colored my day in a rainy shade of grey.

Dreamt I went thru the death sequence of my Caucasian male equivalent. It began like a movie intro, w/ highly-stylized credits alongside images of “me.” Dream-time shifted to real-time during this sequence, so striking it roused me from sleep to lucidity. I began to will the sequence’s continuation, but an awareness of pressure on the left side of my skull forced me to wake.

>>> responses to my asking people to share their death experience dreams:

rachel:

Since I was little I would have dreams where a mob of people were being chased by some force or creature that we knew was coming, where we just knew we were doomed, and rather than running I would just give in and decide that I’d rather die than keep running in fear. Two of these I remember well. One where I was helping an entire classroom of little girls in nightgowns escape through a broken window out into the snow, waiting to be shot and just went out in the hallway to take a bullet in the face. Another was a grocery store and everyone was running and screaming and looking for places to hide. The whole dream was from the monster’s point of view. I decided to walk out into the center checkstand and end it all.

john:

Here’s one that I’ll paraphrase briefly. Me and this other person are running from a spectral figure who appears to us as Hurley from Lost. We keep running from him, and he’s one step ahead of us all the way. Eventually, we think we’ve gotten away from him and decide to go hide out in a restaurant, just to find him there, apparently just finishing his meal and bullshitting with the owner. The message is clear, we can’t get away. I start to walk out of the restaurant, then get kind of annoyed and decide to confront him. I roll into the restaurant and say, “hey, what the fuck, why don’t you just kill me?” To which he stands up, looks at me kind of joke menacingly and puts his hand on my neck. He then projects a future scenario to me (which I’m not really comfortable talking about). I see this thing from multiple perspectives and after the vision is done, he just kind of laughs and tells me: “Dude, I can’t, becuase of that.” He then proceeds to laugh and tell me: “that’s going to be awesome.”

max:

well, i haven’t had any crazy dreams in a while, but a couple weeks ago i was meditating for about an hour a day everyday and it started getting kind of crazy. during one session i imagined i was a fish. at first i was imagining the basic feeling of swimming in that kind of body, almost like i was a mermaid. but suddenly i just became a fish. i had trained myself not to react to negative emotions, to just feel them. and it was really scary! i was actually a fish! and suddenly i was in a school of fish and there was this instantaneous connectedness to them. i was sort of in the middle left of the school. i could zoom in and out to see myself but felt the movement of ‘myself’ only. one movement by one fish was every movement by every fish — but each fish had their own will. we just all felt eachothers’ will. there was a kind of electric telepathy. then suddenly we were frantic and it took a minute to realize why: we were being chased by a shark! and then the school broke up and i was alone, swimming by myself having no one, and i tried to hold on to the feeling but then i became myself, and i cried a little because it was really realy really fucking sad. yeah. it was sad because i lost all my friends and family. that’s exactly how it felt.

careen:

I dreamed that I saw a ritual dismemberment in process- there was the body without four limbs or head, upright. I understood that the body was mine just as the medicine man was hacking off the breast with a sharpened stone. there was not a feeling of pain. I remember ‘ascending’- that I understood I was leaving the vessel, and there was a strong sound of acknowledgment of the spirit leaving the body. not a keening per se, but a cry- aiaiaiaiai

i rather like to explore the concept of death in an open way. we are so frightened of it as a society. i am not unfrightened of death, but i think i live life pretty well with it in mind. actually, aaron and i recently had a conversation about whether we’d want to pass away in sleep or to have an interesting death. he had an uncle pass away in his sleep… painless, i guess. guess the dude was sleeping and then his wife came to lay next to him to take a nap, and they slept together, and when she awoke, he was gone. our mutual thoughts on the matter were that perhaps a more interesting death would afford one waking moments of reflection… for maybe you don’t get those in sleep? or maybe you do. it’s a mystery…

in any case.
so many of these old ’50s songs and such center around themes of youthful death, and dying… or if not that, just general overwhelming sadness. why are they so very sad? and then… why is the music, by contrast, so cheerful???????????? music is so much a ‘mood’ thing… how did they perform and dance these songs, singing these absolutely devastating lyrics, without considering the very apparent duality????????

randomly picked a video to watch last night because i couldn’t get “the machinist” to work (see below)… and came across this ted talk with patricia burchat, a physicist. she talks about dark matter and dark energy, and how they are two different, contrasting partners working together to expand the universe while bringing it together at the same time… essentially. or so my sleep brain thought. perhaps you should watch.

there’s this trailer for terrence malick’s “the tree of life” which will be coming out sometime in the near future.

the trailer is fucking -beautiful- and the film seems to cover heftily the concept of duality within oneself, which is ever, ever present. fuck, is it ever present! i don’t know how it plans to cover such a lofty topic — not that i am proposing that this is the exact topic of the entire movie but it certainly seems a notable portion — in such a short time period.

other than all this, though, i am crazy into this song right now: bobby blue’s “sincere replies”.

granted, i am listening to the damien jurado and richard swift cover, from this remarkable free album of covers that the two came out last month or something. it was an instant like, but now it is like a… FUUUUUUUCK. so good. listen below.

i will be embarking on a series of papercuts. soon. very soon. hefty.

moths and shit.

Oh man.

I grabbed a cup to catch a moth, because I NEVER kill bugs. I always just pick up spiders on a piece of newspaper and have them run all over it… and then just throw the newspaper outside because I’m scared of actually touching them or whatever.

When Mike came home just now, a moth flew in with him. This was the HUGEST fucking moth ever, like, the size of a quarter or larger in one direction… so I grabbed an empty cup and tried putting it around it but it flew away because I did it too slow. So, I was patiently waiting for it to land… so I could put the cup around it and catch it again, but Mike’s like, “Give that to me,” and he grabbed the cup from my hands… and I figured he was going to do what I was OBVIOUSLY trying to do. But no. He grabbed that, and grabbed one of my DVDs, and smashed the SHIT out of it.

Defeated my purpose entirely.

Fuck. -__- I feel bad.

snagnammit.

I’m listening to… The Escape Frame’s self-titled album.

Now I’ve gone and done it, snagnammit. Now I’ve gone and infected my laptop with a virus that makes me unable to save .txt documents… who knows what else, lo lordeh.

I just twice wrote up an entry regarding beauty, and how people are oblivious to beauty. I’ll try to recap, although it will obviously be different.

Nearly every time I fly out from the Bay Area, I fly out of Oakland Airport. I generally fly out of the same gate to go to Seattle as well, so I pass the same sights.

On the way to the gate, the right side has a beautiful mural of cranes flying through the air, and the left side has a beautiful view onto a body of water (pictured below, although the picture is only a fraction of the beauty).

I’ve discovered that people don’t look around them like, whatsoever. No one pays attention to how ridiculously gorgeous things are. And they’re not even doing anything important at all. We’re too busy for beauty these days. It’s gross.

I went to dinner last night with my parents, my godparents, BaoGui ah-yee, and EnChi ah-yee. It was pretty miserable. Since Auntie Gloria passed, everyone is turning moreso to god, especially my mom. Everything out of her mouth now is stuff like, “God will give you a good job,” which is funny to me. I mean, if things are god’s will, why do we even ASK for anything in particular? Why do we ask for better jobs, more money, etc.? What we should instead be saying is, “Do whatever you want with us, lord, and we will be happy,” but that’s never how it is. We’re always asking for something. Is that true faith?

Anyway, every time I come back, I feel totally out of place. I feel like I’m the only one around who is no longer Christian, and in the immediate realm, with my own family, all they talk about is religion and money — both things I don’t care about at all, and I don’t even want to discuss those things conceptually. I haven’t fit in with my family for a long time now, and it’s kind of sad. I will never really see eye-to-eye with them on things… and yeah, I can get along with them, but in many senses, it’s superficial, because I could never explain to them how I find religion to be illogical and how I will never believe, because they simply wouldn’t take it. I mean, that’s just a portion, although religion ultimately affects many other aspects, too. So I don’t think like I could ever move back, or that they could ever really understand me. And vice versa. As a result, there’s a sense of duty to family, sure, but ultimately, I know a helluva lotta people better than I know anyone in my family, and that’s just how it is. I don’t think it’s sad or unusual — I do, however, think it odd to automatically make someone more important simply because he/she happens to be in your family. Ultimately, it doesn’t mean shit. If you happen to be related and get along great, fantastic. If not, well, too bad.

confusing emotional times.

Today was Auntie Gloria’s funeral memorial. Weird shit. They tried to make it a celebration, but of course, humans are only humans and they are decidedly emotional even when they have ‘religion’ to turn to. There were some testimonials by James, Auntie Gloria‘s younger sister, Tin-Win’s mom, Pastor Jack, and my mom. All very different; all very emotional.

James shared a story about how he asked his mom to make him a costume in 5th grade but didn’t specify what kind of costume, and she made him a witch costume. HAHAHAHA.

As far as other things, everyone pretty much concluded equally that James’ mom was very generous and would help others before herself always. When her body was not in the best of health (practically all the time), she would still cook for sicker people… and heal people through food. Pretty accurate if everyone arrives to the same conclusions collectively, really.

My mom shared some story… about how the night after Auntie Gloria died, she had a vision when she closed her eyes of a really really beautiful house and a bright blue sky that was a shade of blue she had never seen, and that she concluded that it must be heaven, and then looked around when her eyes were closed for where Auntie Gloria was and saw a black figure going towards the beautiful house really really quickly.

I… don’t… know… mom.

:/

And she took that to mean that for sure Auntie Gloria is in heaven, and that she must have passed the message onto her in such a manner so that she could share that with people… mmm.

Skeptical.

… Skeptical.

Anyway. James’ dad gave a thank you speech and it was quite sad because he shared how he regretted things, like not calling 911 right away (he called James and the doctor? first?) and how he would always wonder if any of that stuff would make a difference, or if he had fed her something other than oatmeal and bittermelon — something with more nutrition — if it would have made a difference. These are all sad things because truth is, they probably wouldn’t have made a difference, but the man will never know, and he will always wonder, “What if?” He was bowing to thank people and crying at the same time, really loudly, and it was just really sad seeing a grown man so torn up ~__~

In other news… have only seen my parents so far for maybe like 10 minutes total. I guess tomorrow I will probably see them for longer…

Hrm. What else. Saw a LOTTA people at church I haven’t seen in years and years, and it’s trippy seeing the little kids you knew from when they were yay tall and acting like a 40 year old parent saying, “I knew you since you were this big!” (motioning to hip height), but it’s so true, and that’s creepy. ~__~

When James first greeted me, he gave me this funniest look, and I think it was with regards to what I looked like, because last time he saw me, he commented on my lip piercing, and this time, he just gave me a funny look when he saw my blondish hair. Haha. It’s funny, because had I not like, grown up with all of these people and these families, they would probably be judging me pretty damn harsh, but since they pretty much all know me, they don’t have that much to judge about. I was definitely the only one with dyed hair in the whole place, though, the only one with piercings, the only one wearing a skirt with sneakers, and one of VERY few people who is not STILL a churchgoing person. So I’m a bit out of place in that respect, although that church is still so familiar to me, and I’m closer to James’ family than most of the people who were there, so really, judging me is ridiculous for my looks, but I’m certain quite that people still did it. Whatever, though.

Pastor Johnson was there and asked me about church, and what church I went to now, and I said I didn’t go to church, and he was telling me about awesome Seattle churches I should check out, and it’s just awkward. And then he said something about how he didn’t know what people would do if they didn’t have a church family to turn to when there’s a death in the family, because this particular church family gave Auntie Gloria and their family such an outpouring of love — what would people do if they didn’t believe in anything afterwards?

And I thought… exactly, that selfishness is precisely the reason that people believe in religion. Of course, I didn’t say this, but this is wholly my opinion about religion and things. And it’s true — shit is bleak at the end when you have nothing to turn to, no comfort in a heaven, only uncertainty and thoughts of a big, black emptiness — but life isn’t easy, and nor should opinions about the afterlife be.

Anyway……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

What else. Timothy, Freddie‘s brother, is so godamn BIG. Jesus. And there were babies everywhere! Saw Allen Chang and Alan Pao, both of whom I haven’t seen in forever… and Gene and Kai were hotness as usual… yeauuuuuuuuuuuuup.

And my godmother was there, and man, conversating with her is just kind of awkward. I’m not that good at making small talk, and nor is her, because I like to ask people questions, and she’s not very good at answering questions, and it’s just kind of like we run out of things to talk about REALLY quick and then…………………. awkward. While we were talking today, we ran out of stuff to talk about, and then I turned to talk to a couple other people because there WAS stuff to talk about, and she was just standing there the whole time, silently, kind of in the group but mostly not, and it was just awkward. Shit. I said I’d take a godmother but I never really wanted one. This surrogate parent thing is just kind of weird and I don’t know how to treat people in that scenario. Had I grown up with it, it might be different, but I didn’t, so it’s weird.

Anyway.

Afterwards, I went to Starbuck’s with Tin-Win, and we just had a good chat for a while — it was most excellent. We had some good talkings about life and love and work and people and things.

After that, I went to watch “Revolutionary Road” by myself. I didn’t mind watching a movie by myself so much… it was a VERY slow movie, but interesting, and ultimately hit some emotional stuff spot on, I think, in the domestic dispute and awkward communication aspect. I know all about both of those (no, I have not been IN a domestic abuse relationship ) so I thought the emotions were absolutely spot-on, but the girl next to me kept scoffing and wasn’t eating it up at all. I thought it was cool, though, albeit a pretty godamn depressing movie. Leo’s acting reminded me too much of his character in “Catch Me If You Can,” which was a little annoying, but it’s okay. Took me a while to decide if I liked the movie, but by 3/4 through it, it was for sure excellent. But depressing. Yet inspiring, because it serves as a reminder to never really settle for less than you think is best.

random ramblings written by really really cold hands ~__~

I’m watching… Frontline’s “The Medicated Child” report (January 8th, 2008) on Netflix, which talks about drugging kids up for ADD or depression or whatever.

I’ve determined that my ideal amount of sleep time is about 6-7 hours a day, no matter what time I go to sleep. Whenever I wake up within that time frame, I’m wide awake for a moment, but my lazy mind, which thinks, “I should sleep some more because why not?” keeps me asleep… when in fact, for that period, my body and mind are temporarily wide awake.

Anyway, I’ve been on this mango kick lately. A month or so ago, I started drinking a lot of Odwalla Mango Tango juices, and then I determined that I should just make them myself. Been making food at home a lot more lately, too. Here’s some things I’ve been eating. These aren’t really food foods so much as snacks, though.

MANGO SMOOTHIE:
Mango chunks to your delight (or maybe like half a mango)
2 cups Jumex mango juice (really affordable Mexican juice )
2 cups apple juice
2 cups water
Ice

Yum yum yum! I kinda made up the proportions because I usually eyeball them, but that combination of stuff definitely makes a money mango smoothie

YUMMY SALAD:
Lamb’s lettuce
Avocado
Feta cheese
(No dressing)

GREEK SALAD:
Cherry tomatoes
Mozzarella balls (Cilegene)
Balsamic vinaigrette
Olive oil
Basil

Dammit, I’m making myself hungry. ~__~ It’s kinda weird, though, I can’t eat much these days compared to what I used to be able to eat o__O Not sure why, really.

Oh yes and I am growing a basil plant. Lenny‘s looks much better. But it’s okay. Edible, anyhow. ^__^

I have a job interview for Americorps / United Way later. Trying to get into non-profit stuff, and hopefully that does the trick. Going to try and stop by the Museum of Glass in Tacoma afterwards, cause I’ve never been there. It costs $10, though, dammit!

Then later today, it’s back to California for the weekend for funeraling. And junk. ~__~

The other night, we got my Netflix temporarily set up on Lenny’s XBox, and let me just say, that freaking Netflix & XBox connection thing is the BEST FREAKING THING ever. He gave me a bunch of cards I can use to set up my Netflix on our (Alex‘s) XBox, so I will use those at some point where I feel like I have a lotta time to watch the Netflix

I was sick for the past couple weeks and Alex got sick, and I thought we had the same thing, but I guess Alex’s throat is all enflamed and he’s like dying and can’t swallow and can’t breathe and hence can’t sleep. OWNED ~__~

This kid in this Frontline “The Medicated Child” report talks of a kid who was on 8 different medications by the time he was five. INSANITY.

And they’re diagnosing little kids with BIPOLAR disorder? Give me a fucking break. Ridiculous. WTH are these parents doing accepting this crap?

These parents are pathetic and feel like they will do anything to make their kids more “easy to manage.” Pathetic. Not that medication is 100% bad all the time, but some of these kids seem like they might just be kids and need to just grow like normal kids. Are kids now really so much more fucked up than we were? That sooooo many more of them actually need drugs, when very few people our age needed them? I doubt it.

Last night I went to yoga class for the first time ever. That shit is weird. I must say, towards the end, she had us lay in a position and breathe and meditate basically, and it was so relaxing I damn near fell asleep. :0 And then when I was driving home, I was SOOOO relaxed I felt like I was unstable to drive, because I didn’t give a FUCK at all, and my reactions were really slow, etc. etc. Haha. Awesome.

write-up about auntie gao-yang.

Just got an e-mail earlier about James and Nancy wanting to compile a scrapbook of people’s memories about their mother, to help with the coping process of her passing, so this is my entry. I can’t think of really anyone else at the moment where these sentiments would apply.

“There are a couple things that come to mind immediately about Auntie Gao-Yang… first, her impeccable — seriously, impeccable — fashion taste (amongst us church girls, I do recall having talked about this before), and second, her amazing food (also another well-known fact whispered amongst the churchies).

But a more recent and more applicable memory was from this past September, when I went on a cruise with my parents and Auntie Gao-Yang and Uncle Rong-Sheng. The cruise itself was pretty miserable, but the presence of Auntie Gao-Yang did definitely help. It’s hard to put into words, but let’s just say that it’s the simple things that always tell you the most about people. She would tell me to sit by her in such a friendly way and would ask me questions about my life in the way a peer — rather than a parent — might. It felt immediately comfortable and helped me realize what kind of person she really was. I mean, these were qualities that I had never much paid attention to in Auntie Gao-Yang, because I’d always been a child around her. But now that I was grown and could actually think critically about humanity and morality, I could feel that the energy she gave off was all positive, and I knew right then and there that she was the type of person I would want to know better. Talking to her felt like talking to a friend, despite generational gaps and even the fact that I hadn’t REALLY talked to her in years. It always felt like no matter who you were or what you looked like or what you were doing in life, she would take you as you were, as she knew you, as she had already formed her opinion about you. Those accepting, wholly understanding qualities are definitely not found in most Asian parents, and are what I would consider to be vital tenets of all religions at their very core, really. I can firmly say that I have no doubts about Auntie Gao-Yang being a solidly GOOD person — a REAL Christian, in the best sense of the word — and that I’m a better person for having known her.”

i should update.

Not that I have much to say. Oh snaps, “American Idol” is starting up again. Too bad I don’t have a television, which makes watching “American Idol” quite difficult.

Blargh.

I remember this one time, back when I was working full-time, I was pretty convinced that once I was no longer working full-time, I would spend nearly every waking second devoted to making Redefine a better thing. Yet, it doesn’t seem to change even when I’m not working! In fact, I probably work on it less, or at the very least, just as much. It seems to max out at a point! What the fuck!

The economy’s getting kinda scary. I hope it’s all just talk and really isn’t going to turn into something REALLY scary. The concept of a global recession confuses me. Where does all the money go?!! Isn’t new money being made all the time?!! Does it mean fewer people are getting more money? I don’t understand.

Apparently James and Nancy‘s mom passed away today. What. The. Fuck. I need to talk to my mom about it, possibly tomorrow, because I reckon she’s at the hospital right now. Sherry had to call and tell me about it. WTF? I don’t know. It’s just really fucking weird because she was such a close family friend. No entiendo!