ARGH

healllllllllllllllllllllth
monnnnnnnnnnneyyyyyyyyyyyy
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this horoscope below is particularly scary for me… so much health-related things… also, i am listening to this song on repeat — the first song i’ve wanted to listen to on repeat for quite a while now. i am reminded of my previous shame in having weird fucking symptoms that scared the shit out of me, going to multiple doctors, and having them find nothing. i am reminded of how embarrassed i felt for nothing turning up in an mri — but i didn’t even get a chance to see it and the dude was convinced it was a catscan (didn’t show me, again) even though i KNEW i had gotten an mri. but i assumed i was wrong. and while i knew i wanted to get a copy for myself, i never got it; again, with the shame, of feeling vulnerable and having people not care… to brush health and certainty under the rug because of self-consciousness.

i realized yesterday when i went into that job interview that i have grown a lot as a person, if only in that i no longer have doubts about myself when engaged in a job interview type setting. flaws are no longer important, no longer so pronounced; any reasons for not hiring me are probably due to personality and style more than actual disqualification. so it is with this health thing… i think i am worried about it enough that i need to just make whatever i want to see happen happen, for i feel so unsettled without knowing. i told troy that i didn’t want to see a doctor about an mri because i didn’t want anyone to convince me otherwise about it. the only problem is that i HAVE to see a doctor to get an mri, and they have to approve. going to call my other doctor tomorrow and hope that she will refer me. i don’t know. blahrg. it is incredibly frustrating.

>>>

SOURCE
Sagittarius Horoscope for May 2012
By Susan Miller

This month might bring some of your best news you’ve heard in a very long time! May has many lyrical elements to it, and among all the aspects, your very best include what I call the luckiest day of the year! This year, your luckiest day will actually occur over two days, May 12-13, and remarkably, those days fall over a weekend. These days deserve your attention because Jupiter, your guardian planet (“ruler), will meet with the mighty Sun. This will be exciting for everyone, of every sign, for completely different reasons, but the fact that your ruler, Jupiter, is involved in this configuration means you may enjoy the goodies the universe is sending us more than most.

On May 12 and 13, your luckiest days, Jupiter and the Sun will meet in your solar sixth house of work, health, and well-being. These areas of your life will feel a lively up-tick and bring good news, so let’s look closely.

First, think about ways to improve your health. In the most extreme case, if you have been troubled by a health issue and hope to find a diagnosis from a specialist, you would be wise to search for that doctor immediately. Ask friends and colleagues for names, and check each doctor out as thoroughly as you can. Sometimes when we face a health challenge we need more than one or two opinions – go for those now. Sometimes it is worth going for another opinion even if you are completely happy with your doctor. With each consultation, you will gather additional useful tidbits about your condition that you had not been given before.

Make your most vital appointment for May 9, 10, or 11, with May 11 your very best. (May 12-13 are weekend dates, but the days leading up to the weekend will be strong, too.) If you have special tests to be done, do them during the first two weeks of May. If you have an operation, schedule it as close to May 11 as you can, as Jupiter will be very close to the Sun, and both are known to be the great healers.

What if you feel basically good but had hoped to hit the gym regularly to get back in shape? Join a gym at any time during the first half of May. If you already are a member of a gym, learn a new sport, start with a trainer, or start attending group fitness classes in the first week of May. I say this because the new moon of April 21 will still be working hard for you in the first week of May, and it will help you see solid results. (You can read last month’s forecast, always, by looking below the Summary and the Dates to Note – you will see the link to April’s forecast.)

Here is a vital piece of information: I have found in my own research with charts of thousands of people that when it comes to losing weight, having Jupiter in the sixth house, where Jupiter is visiting now, is excellent. I thought I would find the opposite results (Jupiter is associated with fine living and rich food), but what I discovered is that Jupiter, the great healer, will redo your routine and help you discover healthy foods that you will enjoy and look forward to eating. Jupiter is about to leave your sixth house on June 11, not to return for twelve years. As with any benefic planet, it is when you begin that matters, and you just had that new moon April 21. So, in your case, you would be instituting your new healthy-living plan at the perfect time if you start in the first week of May.

When it comes to work projects, as you get very close to May 12-13, on those excellent weekdays, May 10 and 11, you may receive a superb assignment, one that makes you very, very happy to be chosen to do. If you have been out of work, mid-month may bring news that you landed a new job. You may have begun to interview for that job earlier last month, on the new moon April 21 and the days that followed. If you are self-employed, then these days in mid-May may bring you brisk business or an important new client. If you work for others in sales, get ready to land that big commission.

Do you love pets? Here’s some exciting news for you about this wonder-day May 12, operative May 10-13. If you have been thinking of adding a little furry creature to your household, you may find the perfect pet for you, as the sixth house, where Jupiter and the Sun are meeting, is associated with the care and love of small domestic animals. Scientists are only now calculating the direct link that exists between good health and reduced stress to the enjoyment many people derive from having a pet. Apparently the ancient astrologers intuitively knew about this beneficial effect, long ago, as they put health and small domestic animals in the same house of the chart. So if you are were thinking of getting a pet soon, go down to the animal shelter to choose a little kitten or puppy that you feel only has eyes for you. If you have a pet, celebrate your little one and pick up some new toys or treats over May 12-13 to show how much you care.

Why did I make such a strong point of asking you to act during the first two weeks of the month and no later? Here’s why: Venus will be retrograde from May 15 to June 27. Ironically, Venus rules the very house you and I have been discussing, your solar sixth house of health, work, and pets. With Venus about to retrograde, you have a very high contrast situation, where you have truly joyous, bright aspects, followed by ones that are the opposite – flat and far less vibrant. When Venus retrogrades, the house that Venus rules tends to be lackluster. This is why I want you to make your biggest choices early in the month, when Venus is still strong. Fortunately, Jupiter and the Sun will meet just prior to Venus going out of phase – this gorgeous aspect will come in just under the wire!

I want to discuss Venus more in a minute, for this planet rules many areas of your life, but I need to make a point about health first, before we leave that topic.

Now let’s go back to the full moon, May 5, that will also be associated with health, but this time, its focus will be your mental well-being. If anything has troubled you privately, you may now feel a need to talk things over with someone you trust – a best friend, a professional therapist, or a member of your religious community, for example. Full moons bring things to the surface, and it becomes harder to suppress things. Rather than to try to continue to hold things inside (with a powerful full moon like this one, you won’t be able to anyway), you should feel good about sharing your thoughts.

This full moon will link to Pluto in a very supportive way, and Pluto rules the roots that are hidden deep within the ground. Pluto will help you talk about things that may have been too painful to discuss, so that you can study the situation with that other person. By talking openly, you take away the power to taunt you. Mars will be in good angle too, allowing you to take action, and Jupiter, orbiting very close to the full moon, will provide his healing touch. This same full moon would be ideal for distancing yourself from the use of a substance that you know is not good for you. You can overcome these habits, so by all means, reach out for help. Those with more serious challenges will find comfort in rehab.

In your career, this month should find you doing VERY well. Mars is now in your lofty tenth house of career progress and will remain in this house until July 3. Until recently (April 13) Mars has been retrograde most of the year, so you may have felt like you have been walking up a moving escalator that was going down – not getting much progress, despite a lot of effort! Now, all that changes for the better.

Earlier, I discussed how you seem to be in line for a plum project near May 10 or May 11, when Jupiter aligns with the Sun. At the same time, action-oriented Mars is giving you an over-arching trend that will help you raise your status in your industry. The project you get to work on this month may help you to show off your talents, and so in that sense, the project will have “legs.” Mars, working with this trend, will do his job by making it easier for you to see high-level people who can advance you. As you see, the two areas are different, but will work together to boost your “stock” in the workplace. Let your boss know you are ready, willing, and able to take on that new big assignment!

Here is a case in point, when you may be up for a top job – May 16 – and you will make a superb impression! Mars in our solar tenth house of fame will send a direct beam to Pluto in your house of earned income. Both planets are very powerful, so by all means, use this day, May 16 for any career action!

Now let’s go back to the impending apparent reverse orbit of Venus from May 15 to June 27. Venus rules good looks, so first of all I don’t want you to make any dramatic changes to your looks during that phase. No plastic surgery, no changing your hair in a radical way! You want Venus to be happy and bright, not sleepy and lethargic, when you do things like that. Venus retrograde is not the time to shop for diamonds or other jewels either, as Venus rules all things that embellish. Thinking of giving a lavish party? Do so after June 27. Do all these things from May 1 to 13.

Venus retrograde may make you think twice about a certain close relationship, either romantic (most likely) or business in nature. You have Venus moving through your seventh house of marriage, but when any planet retrogrades in this house (especially Venus), it’s a time to reassess your assumptions and the course a close relationship has taken. If a relationship has speeded ahead too quickly, either you or your partner can slow it down just enough to make it more manageable.

Venus is associated with money too, something many readers don’t know, and when Venus retrogrades, Venus will lower the profit potential of any new venture that you sign on to during the retrograde. As you see, it’s not the time to form a business partnership. You can do so from May 1 to 13, and after June 27 but before Mercury retrogrades July 14. You have to be careful to avoid having Venus in the start date of any new venture during that time, as you don’t want this retrograde to affect the life of the venture, until that contract ends.

Now we come to the surprise of the month, the solar eclipse in Gemini, 0 degrees, falling in your solar seventh house of marriage and all other partnerships, including legal ones. This eclipse is sugar and spice, so you may get a proposal – and begin talking about what is to come. I would rather you not become engaged quite yet, nor married either, but it’s fine to discuss things. This eclipse will be so friendly because Jupiter will be within five degrees, spreading its golden vibrations all over your relationship sector.

Still with Venus retrograde, I don’t want you to rush into a marriage or business partnership after mid-month. Take your time – if love is real (or if this business deal is the right one) it will still be there after June 27. Venus is asking you to dig deeper and to clear the air if either of you have been hurt or have a misconception about the other. While you may have a little “work” to do (and I don’t like to call it that, especially in a romantic relationship, for if you love each other, it’s not really work at all but the exchange of information), the outcome can be spectacular. The fact that the solar eclipse is so friendly shows there is good motivation on both sides to make a success of things. This eclipse is a new moon, and these types of eclipses open a door wide, leading you along an exciting new path.

If you are a Sagittarian born on November 21 or within five days of this date, you will notice the sweet effects of this eclipse the most.

Over the past year, you have had a number of eclipses in your sign, Sagittarius, and in Gemini, your opposite sign (ruling your committed partnerships in your chart). Those came by December 21, 2010, and last year: June 1, June 15, November 25, and December 10, 2011. Last year’s eclipses were tough, especially the ones that landed in December. Now, Jupiter will arrive (next month, June 11), and that will make all the difference to you!

It seems you have already scoured the cobwebs from your life (if there were any) through the action of these eclipses. Just as importantly, you likely also found the goodness in a partner, too – eclipses address both sides of the spectrum. All eclipses want us to be productive; eclipses work against the status quo. If you are in love, but have not felt compelled to tie the knot, or if you find the right business partner, but have not signed papers, the eclipses will say, start to make plans! No more stalling! If you are looking for the right partner for you, this eclipse may help you find that person in the coming six months.

If you are already wed and happy, you may find out that your partner has news to share, and all of it is sensational. You may decide to do something new together – have a baby, open a shop together – you decide! Your significant other / established partner / spouse is a gem for you, and you will know this to be true now.

If you already have a business partner, or are in the process of signing a partner now, you will soon see that your partner is the best thing that ever happened to you.

After you know how the eclipse affects you, please share your stories by posting a note on my Twitter page (@AstrologyZone) or on Facebook (my name is Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone, and I am wearing the white blouse; the red dress is my public page.) By sharing, we can all get better at knowing about the nature of an eclipse.

Are you single and not dating? While this month is more about attached Sagittarians, month’s end should be great fun over the weekend of May 26 to 28. On Sunday, May 27, Mercury, ruling travel and news, will receive a beam from sparkling Uranus, bringing all sorts of surprises in matters of the heart. Be out and about circulating! On May 28, the Sun and Uranus will be beautifully oriented, again bringing you unexpected shots of happiness. I know Venus will be retrograde, but if you keep things light and flirty, and don’t jump in a relationship with both feet quickly, you can have fun.

Ironically, in the US, the Memorial Day holiday will take place May 26-28, coinciding with your best, most romantic time of the month, especially when traveling. Have you been undecided whether to go away or stay home – it seems clear! Go!

Single or attached, your most romantic dates will be May 2, 3, 6, 7, 10-13. After Venus begins to retrograde (add a note of caution): May 16, 17, 20, 21, and 25-28 (especially if you travel).

Summary

Take time this month to address your health, dear Sagittarius, because this month offers all the best of the best that you could ever need: qualified medical and fitness advisors and lots of motivation from you to make your healthy lifestyle plan a success. Having Jupiter in your solar sixth house, where you have Jupiter now, is the ideal place for having all sorts of health questions addressed, including losing weight. With luck on your side there’s almost nothing you can’t accomplish, so don’t delay. Jupiter will leave your fitness sector next month on June 11, so while all good aspects are in place, strike by taking your first steps toward your goal.

One Saturday date will be so spectacular for you, it won’t be repeated for more than a decade in precisely the same way – it’s Saturday, May 12, and the days surrounding, May 10 to May 13. Start your fitness or healthy living program then, and you’ll be gratified by the results you soon see. If you hope to see a doctor, schedule your appointment, tests, or procedure for the days leading to this date, on May 10 or 11 for best luck.

Your career is moving at good momentum now that Mars is no long retrograde. Say goodbye to the delays and indecision of higher-ups. You have a stunning chance to reach for the stars as Mars moves purposefully through your solar tenth house of honors and achievement. Watch May 16, when Mars and Pluto will cook up ways for you to get outstanding compensation as well as industry attention and applause. You’ve earned it – now, collect your due!

Venus will retrograde from May 15 to June 27, certainly not the time to make any final decisions about love or those that pertain to your looks. For both, you need Venus to be in fine form, but during this phase, Venus will be weak and ineffectual. In terms of love, if you are attached, you may feel as though your partner isn’t giving you enough attention, and that your relationship has become a little out of step. If either of you are harboring hidden hurts that you or your partner have not discussed before, things will come out in the open now. Air them with confidence – the solar eclipse on May 20 will be your friend. In terms of appearance, there is no worse time to do plastic surgery or change your hair radically than when Venus sleeps in retrograde. It would be too risky to do anything now – wait until after June 27 (the date Venus goes direct) and prior to July 14 (when Mercury goes retrograde) – during that little pocket in time, you will be pleased. I love July 5, when Jupiter, your ruler, orbits close to Venus.

The first solar eclipse of 2012 will arrive in Gemini on May 20 and light your house of marriage and serious legal commitments. Eclipses are known to push things forward rapidly and change timetables dramatically, so you may get a marriage proposal or give one – and before then you will need to start shopping for rings! If you are married, after May 20, your mate will likely have surprising, uplifting news to share. If you would rather use this energy to form a business partnership or hire an agent, you can. Whatever opportunity or choice comes up, it will be a positive one you will want to investigate.

If you are single and hoping for love, your angels have you in mind, too. On the weekend of May 26-27, you can do no wrong! Travel will increase your possibilities, making a meeting possible (even likely) when you barely think it might happen. Uranus will be working with Mercury and the Sun those days, and the moon will be in luxury-minded Leo, a perfect place for you. Believe that life can change, because it seems clear, yours soon will, and all for the better!

Dates to Note for Sagittarius:

Your most romantic dates: May 2, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, 20, 21, and 25-28.

Your happiest day of the month, possibly of the year: May 11 or 12.

You may have a secret for someone – perhaps you’ll let it out on May 5!

Venus will retrograde from May 15 to June 27, and this may cause a project to need to be redone, perhaps just in part.

The most fortunate day of the month is May 12, but you will feel the energy May 10 and 11 as well.

Solar eclipse of May 20 will start talks about marriage, and could bring an engagement or wedding. Are you already wed? You may hear good news from your partner.

Your career should get great news on May 16, thanks to the support from Mars and Pluto. There will be excellent profit to be made.

May 21 will be a wonderful day for you to travel, write, speak, or sell. No one can resist you.

Love will be in the air on May 27-28! When it strikes, it will be such a surprise!

doing a great job of shooting myself in the foot and not knowing what i want.

on the plus side, have been charting astrological transits and comparing them with journal entries. there is DEFINITELY a pattern, though it is hard to figure out how to express them in clear and concise visuals. i have just charted things on a timeline and it is fascinating that all of the most difficult events took place during the months of my life last year that were in fact the most difficult, perhaps ever, and that the beginning of last year was equally filled with difficulty, and it was one of the most inexplicably negative times of my life, as well. similarly, last summer — that beautiful, beautiful, easy summer — had no negative portions to it almost whatsoever. it was all light. what is interesting is that the portion of time when that one dude fell off the face of the earth was, for him, freakishly astrologically pure and happy… in some days right around when he disappeared, there were NO negative aspects whatsoever. only positive points — nothing even subtracting from the positive points. it’s interesting. i think in this data lies some sort of probabilistic pattern — or something — which could lead to something important. but i don’t know just yet how to formulate it correctly. i must also admit that in some ways it kind of fucking freaks me out a lot… because in some places it is so accurate it almost seems that things are outside of will or whatever. i don’t actually believe that to be true, and it is all in the choices that one makes when presented with certain events — rather to learn and to accept and to grow or to shun and to hurt and to fail — but… yeah. i dunno.

i’m having a hard time this year so far, especially since i’ve been back from sxsw, and i wonder now for the first time what i am supposed to learn from this. last year, i had a very easy time turning everything into a learning situation, but this year has seen a lot of me being tired, and probably lazy and just downright avoidant, in a way that makes me fail to learn at some junctures. maybe, upon acknowledging this right now, there is something to be learned in the near future.

i have forgotten to mention that recently when i was in los angeles i did a scientology personality test. was told that i was irresponsible — to which i said i did not agree — and that i am rather critical (i did not disagree) and avoidant (i definitely agreed). the tester lady told me a lot of, “we have tools to help you with that,” type things, which i’m sure they did… but no thanks. i don’t doubt that the master of scientology has some tools for one to learn some things. i also find it interesting that the test was kind of accurate. still not gonna go there, though… but i don’t freak out and shy away from it with as much intensity as some people because it’s just not necessary. to not accept it does not mean to be against it, i guess.

i got a $300 video editing and shooting and interviewing gig at troy’s coffee shop. it’s helpful, at least right now, when funds are uhhhh ridiculous. sliding by just barely for the next two months. hopefully the job that said they’d give me an interview this week will actually come through! i wonder, really, about how i have sent out a ton of resumes — and i feel like i am super fucking qualified for most of these positions — and have not really heard back from any of them, save for that one. some i am even over-qualified for. who are the people who are actually getting callbacks? shit is confounding.

asked dr. for mri referral. he wouldn’t give it without seeing my old one. i don’t even know where the old one came from. i wish these people would just give me a referral if i ask for one. i don’t even care if there’s nothing wrong up there in my skull; it would give me great ease and peace of mind to simply know, definitively. i fucking hate doctors. they have been so incredibly unhelpful and useless throughout all of my life. after all, it took me like four or five different doctor visits because i learned that i had an ovarian cyst, and even then, it was a nurse who told me. these bitches are absolutely useless. i don’t know if i will go back to this doctor. i don’t know what i’m going to do right now. UGH.

~__~

slightly worried about my health. myself and troy’s, also. don’t want to be… but it can’t be helped. :/ different problems, but both are equally ambiguous and worrisome. both could be not that huge of a deal or a huge deal.

:(

the dream i had last night has left me inexplicably terrified of the future, and moreso, about how i will react to it. increasingly, i find myself frustrated about things in a certain way that is carnal and outside of my control; it bothers me most because it strikes me as unsympathetic to the tribulations of love. i am… feeling as though there will be worries to come, that i can predict, and that i will react to them poorly. i wonder if my having the dream will circumvent my acting poorly about it? is the fact that i am cognizant enough to make it not a problem? i certainly hope so.

i lied awake for a while last night; it was the first time in some time. the things that keep me up these nights always come back to the same root. it is the root at which i am the most juvenile, the most powerless, the most clueless about how to react or handle manners. and that is perhaps why i find myself passively aggressively exerting my frustrations until that is a method that no longer works — and it is only then that i find the ways to verbalize, but verbalizing it is always a stuttering stampede without nuance and lacking half of the original intention. repeatedly. and i am wondering if this change in instinctual reaction is due to an opening, initially, of these doors which had been closed… or if it is of timing, brought about by age… or if it is simply because it is the sole issue at hand. i think perhaps a combination of all three, as are all things of this manner… but it is frustrating. i’m frustrated by the situations at hand and by myself for my impatience. i am thinking the worst of all potential outcomes when i should not — but my mind is defaulting there, and that is what is leading me to lie awake at night. it is the same phenomenon from when i was a child, expecting the unending and unyielding pain, when in fact i learned later that it was not unending and unyielding. yet — some people are faced with that, do have that situation pop up — so while it may be premature to jump to the most negative conclusions… there is a possibility that jumping there will find itself to be appropriate and accurate.

i certainly hope this is not the case. i certainly hope that the worst i envision when i am lying awake at night is in fact far from a future reality — and that i will not find myself forced to negotiate my own moral compass in such a nebulous way… for there are no right answers in these kinds of situations, save for what you feel is right… and if what you feel is right feels wrong and becomes a matter of one’s own happiness versus that of another… it’s tricky. i don’t know. it’s tricky.

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Edit April 7th, 2012:
Ah, it’s weird. I was talking about this or that when I was writing this post, but now it seems “this or that” could apply to multiple types of “this or that”, which is strange. What is my subconscious aware of that I am not?

… a coconut milk steamer????

I went into the coffee shop to get a non-fat milk steamer, and instead, the girl suggested I get a steamer with coconut milk rather than adding something in. I had misheard; I had thought that it would be a normal steamer with some coconut milk for flavoring. I believe this to be untrue. I think it is a straight coconut milk steamer; 12 ounces of coconut milk, steamed. Equals 1 ½ cups of coconut milk, steamed. And here are the nutrition facts for coconut milk:

I drank half of it in a flurry. I actually feel full. Drinking it also destroys my entire purpose for getting a steamer in the first place, which was to get some Vitamin D into my diet. A fail all around! One shouldn’t be allowed to suggest a drink like this! Couldn’t this kill a person!?!!! Should anyone be drinking coconut milk ever?!?????????????????????????? That can’t possibly be an actual drink! It can’t possibly be more than just a curry accent! What insanity.

I need to call my doctor, too. I am horribly Vitamin D deficient. And some other things that I need to figure out… I tread with trepidation…

what up with it.

man, i haven’t written for a few days though a lot has happened. this is what happens when i don’t have internet freezing is also what happens when the godamn coffee shop you’re at doesn’t close their front door ARGHHHH DEATHHHH.

anyway, last night we watched the turin horse, which, after reading george’s review, i had really wanted to watch and even dragged along two other poor sops (gina and troy). it was, in fact, the most boring film on the planet — so boring and slow, really, that it became of the utmost hilarity, in that it seems impossible that anyone would direct such film intentionally, and yet, there it is, proof of intentionality, and proof that life is OMG SO ABSURD. it was beyond bad. and then was the polica show, which was also so, so, so incredibly mediocre that the entire evening — save for troy and i’s eating at swagat — was basically just a waste, which i could have spent instead watching bollywood movies and iranian action films that i have, or editing swahili videos for tuesday’s grimes show… but nOoOoOooo.

two days ago there was an excursion into the world of the mush, and it came in some kind of a flash that i should make movies… yes, movies. the kind where i would direct a human around, rather than just editing. it was a strange thought, an arresting thought, an aldous-huxley-looks-at-lawn-chair-in-doors-of-perception thought, of paralyzing brilliance — the floorboards were glowing — of all-encompassing beauty? it’s funny and ridiculous. but i never would have been in that position had it not been for my arms going absolutely numb for, i think, ten minutes or something. a quick online search yielded a result of a woman who had such symptoms and then got a catscan that was clean, got one three years later, and discovered that she had a brain tumor. it reminds me of the time that i had intense eye problems, and i didn’t know whether they were real or psychosomatic, but they seemed real, yet catscans had revealed nothing. and it is true that those problems came to pass after the 222222222222222ci. i remember feeling so, so, so lonely then, so frustrated that i went to get a catscan that day, by myself, and came back to my apartment at 716 n 41st st. and no one cared at how miserable of a time i had had. lenny, alex, and andy were hanging out, and i didn’t want to bring up how horrible and how terrifying of a time i had had in the catscan (recap of the event here). anyway. my eye has never felt normal since then — but it did subside a slight bit, and i just kind of ignored it, supposing it wasn’t a huge deal if the catscan didn’t result in anything. and i just felt generally idiotic for making such a big fuss, BECAUSE nothing came to be seen. but that doesn’t mean there is no problem, and such intense arm numbness scared the fucking shit out of me, and i need to go get a catscan stat, i think. but it is the case with insurance and such that… i just feel like i don’t even know where to go, and i’m scared also that parents will see the insurance, or i mean, how much does insurance even cover for this shit? can i actually afford this crap? so many questions.

i have been having nightmares lately. i never have nightmares, and don’t really know what the cause is. they are especially prevalent when i stay at troy’s house. the worst was two nights ago, when i spit out half my teeth and was desperately trying to hold in the rest. i have had these kinds of dreams many times — dreams interpretation guides say teeth-related dreams have to do with financial worries, though i know in my case that can’t be true — and i will say that they are, hands down, the worst godamn dreams ever to have… they feel so horrible, each tooth feeling like it is wiggling, hanging on by a thin thread, me never certain whether i’ll lose them all or not… are these dreams telling me i should take care of my teeth better? but i just got a teeth cleaning last year and it was okay… that dream was followed up by a strange escapade where lenny and i were wandering an abandoned mall or something, and we were looking for places to, i think, do the nasty. we went into the elevator and that seemed like the best place but there was something amiss about it; i don’t remember what. the dream pretty much just consisted of much wandering, inside and outside the mall.

this morning’s dream had to do theft. i was in the woods with some people and went outside, and there was really light grey layer of light penetrating the sky in dotted cross-type shapes. they got brighter and brighter. someone asked what they were. i think i said they were lasers. they got brighter, and closer, and began to descend, and when they descended closer, a blue kite-like strip became apparent and it looked like the drupal logo but had the words, very clearly, “laser druid.” it was some company or some brand. got inside and discovered that all of the computers and things we had had been hacked, and that the laser lights were information-stealing lasers, or something. it was strange; our computers were locked from normal use but also were completely dismantled. i think i went into the next room and began crying or being really upset, saying that my computer was essentially my life… it’s weird, its weird, it’s weird.

anyway, when looking at people on the mush, they are essentially a huge ball of hair and eyes to me, and it is hard to focus and mostly unattractive. it’s relatively such a hard thing, weird temperatures and body functions, weird reactions to perception. we began by taking a walk through mt. tabor which was beautiful on that day, drenched in fog, pure misting on the face. so good, so good. the greens and red-browns came to light, along with the realization that i mimick patterns in my mind that aren’t usually there. as far as learning, all i came to be left with was that i need a haircut and to tighten up my style a little bit. and to watch what i eat a bit more and take care of this body thing. and that i need to make films — perhaps not now, but that i can and am capable of making films. it has always been a bit of a thing where my favorite photographers are those who stage elaborate sets, but i have never felt comfortable with doing anything of the sort, never felt comfortable with directing people to do anything. i guess more than anything the experience was a reminder that perhaps i can do those things, and should, just because they’re difficult? i am not sure. but i am excited for this suite of swahili-related videos i am editing, and it will be fascinating to see if these result to something more, whether they will ultimately be used for their videos, etc. it’s unclear, all is unclear.

i think what troy learned was that anything can be done. which is cool. evidently up until now such experiences for him have been ways to work on the self — and this time, it was manageable, a sense that the self is doing fine and that the self just needs to learn to do things rather than talk about doing things. we had an idea the other night when out with abe about reviving all-day concert series ala jam bands of yore, and i think the mushy cemented in troy’s mind that it was possible to actually do these things, and that should be a partner and help me do those things, rather than waiting around and waiting for them to happen. undoubtedly, these were cool things to hear. i guess he also thinks that it’s time for him to get a real job rather than continuing to serve food to kids… :L

relatedly, troy and i had a really hilarious conversation the other night where we logic-holed our brain into ridiculousness. it had been quite a while (since blake was around) that i had had such high-logic brain-numbing discussion that it took way shorter of a while for me to be fatigued by it, but it was interesting, and a memory of times. blah, blah, blah. it’s 3:00pm. i am going back to editing videos. i have been reading a literate passion, a collection of letters between henry miller and anais nin. it’s interesting, it’s love, and i never knew that henry miller was really the one who was more in love with her, that he waited for years to marry her, but that she never wanted to divorce her real husband for fear of hurting him, even though she had stopped loving him years before and thought of him only as a good friend. interesting people.

barfing on my own face.

Today! Today, today, today, at 6:30am on February 9th, 2012, marks the date that I have finished Henry Miller’s The Tropic Of Capricorn. Never would I have believed upon being initially gifted this book that it would become notable enough to celebrate its completion! In it, I not only have found the perfect opening quote for my novel, but now I realize, the perfect closing one as well. And how symmetrical, that these chosen verses fall within the opening ten and closing ten pages of Miller’s book, just as they fall within the five opening and closing of mine.

It begins like this:

Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction.
Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside,
in life, as they say, lay the solution to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that
I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. Instead
I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for something to attach myself to — and
I found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left
high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something I had not looked for — myself.
I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live — if what others are doing
is called living — but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest
in living, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of
it at the same time, and beyond it.

And it ends like this:

It seems to me that it is exactly 25,960 years since I have been asleep in the black womb of sex. It seems to me that I slept perhaps 365 years too many. But at my any rate I am now in the right house, among the sixes, and what lies behind me is well and what lies ahead is well. You come to me disguised as Venus, but you are Lilith, and I know it. My whole life is in the balance; I will enjoy the luxury of this for one day. Tomorrow I shall tip the scales. Tomorrow the equilibrium will be finished; if I ever find it again it will be in the blood and not in the stars.

I, too, have begun and ended like this, though in reverse to this process. Henry Miller and I’s parallel romantic experiences are twain mirrors of our separated lives. But sandwiched between bookends of our shared experiences – symbolized by death and then birth, birth and then death – everything else in-between is variable, different, made similar only by our each writing a book and finding ourselves because of pain. Both hint towards the future, though seventy years of question marks divide them, his having completed The Tropic Of Capricorn in 1938 (appropriately, in Paris).

I suppose, contextually, for one to understand what I mean really is to capture this exact passage from The Tropic Of Capricorn – this passage that will begin my second book, the continuation of the first, the hello to the one for whom that is written, my star-aligned Aries, my age-old familiarity, for which this verse rings true:

“One can wait a whole lifetime for a moment like this.
The woman whom you never hoped to meet now sits before you,
and she talks and looks exactly like the person you dreamed about.
But strangest of all is that you never realized before that you had dreamed about her.
Your whole past is like a long sleep which would have been forgotten had there been no dream.
And the dream too might have been forgotten had there been no memory, but remembrance is there in the blood and the blood is like an ocean in which everything is washed away but that which is new and more substantial even than life: REALITY.”

Up until this moment, I knew not where to begin with the continuation; I knew only that my work must be continued. But here, before me, with its red jacket sleeve and 95 cent price point, lies the answer, the door-opening key spun from paper and memory and imagination, brought to me in the present by one Henry Miller, whose history and astrology I shall wander to research in the immediate future. Henry Miller, who his hive-minded, zombie-brained contemporaries foolishly sought to banish due to their lack of understanding his genius. Henry Miller, who similarly finds as much weight in astrology as do I; for no other reason would he write two books in homage of Cancer and Capricorn, for no other reason would he have said that he is “now in the right house, among the sixes…” upon finding his ultimate second love…

EDIT

I did find out that the book is not purely fiction or non-fiction, that the truths and non-truths are one and the same, indistinguishable. I wonder if his description of this love is about his wife, June? Or Anais Nin? Or none of the above? Purely fiction? Regardless, I did find this book, to the right, which has a synopsis like this (it is exactly what I aim to do with my own book, coincidentally) according to this lovely post on Psychicchic’s Paranormal Curtain:

“This book, Henry Miller: His World of Urania, was written by the late Hollywood astrologer, Sidney Omarr in 1960. The book analyzes the effect the planets had on Miller and his many works, including Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn, Black Spring and even Sour Orange Juice… I have yet to come across a book like this one – a book that dissects a life history in an attempt to examine the impact of any cosmic thinking.”

>>>

Now to get barfy. Forgive me.

I awoke this morning, as if from plague, afflicted, tumbling from me waters like catharsis – only waters poisoned. I have been bed-ridden since late last evening, feeling like complete pale-faced horror, eating rice and carbs in an attempt to create solid ground inside me, but there is none. It’s horrible. I need to work but I have no internet in my home, and I must make the decision of going out and risking disaster or staying here to do nothing except for occasionally write when the appropriate words come to mind. But aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I feel as though I am dying, though I am not, I hope; I am not often sick in this way, and it is the worst kind. At the same time, I am growing a pimple, I am sweating, oh, it’s horrible. Bathe me royally, is there anywhere for bandages to stop these ridiculous horrors?!! DEATTTTTTTTTTTH.

I’ve ventured out am in public. I’ve scarcely been here half an hour. I need to go home. I need to go home. I need to queue up some bookmark links about Henry Miller — no internet at home — and I need to go home. Over this for the time being. Why did I think I wanted to face the world? Oh, right, responsibility. Getting in the way of my comforts. Sick.

my book is done.

just a couple of quick notes about it and about yesterday…

i printed out five copies so far! i really should have taken a pic of the first five, all nicely stacked with colored book covers and hand-bound and such! they were really quite so pretty. guess i’ll just have to take a picture of the next four altogether…

order of dissemination: troy – robby – gina – chris – jeanette – ? – ? – ? – ? = 9 total for the first round!
trying to figure out the next four. i had decided that 9 people would receive original drafts, with original names…

it’s funny that i went to staple it at the ups store and the lady who stapled it asked me what it was, and i told her that this past year was crazy and that the book documented the synchronicities in it. to that, she said, “it’s crazy when the universe starts opening up, isn’t it? and what you can manifest?” and i was like, “yeah! i’m glad you know what i’m talking about!” cause what are the chances?

that evening, gina and i hung out with three boys from g&v, and it was good times! it’s just cool to know that i had surmised we’d be on similar mental pages and we actually are. but what i thought was cool was dusty said his mother called him — specifically about the article i had written — and was like, “have you seen this????” and i guess chris’ mom did the same. i dunno wtf that means but it’s pretty dulp ulp ul pu lplplpplp.

anyway i’ve already been breaking all of my new year’s resolutions and hell, i don’t even know what i wrote anymore even though it was a couple days ago. i just know i failed on the writing 15 minutes a day thing so far but in my defense i’ve been sick as a motherfucker. in my reverse defense, i have unfortunately been biking around in the rain a lot because i’m an idiot, so in short, i have no one to blame but myself and my own idiocy… it’s weird though, it’s like this cold i can feel in the base of my left lung, ick, it’s like heavy, like heavy, brah.

oh yeah, 2:18pm addendum: chris talked about how they were in omaha, nebraska, and champagne champagne had just played, and the crowd started chanting, “one more song!” but as “one more song!” went on, it soon turned into, “u.s.a.!! u.s.a.!!” hahahahaha.

my dreams have been intense lately.

i just had to wake up at like 7am to write down one about micah bleeding out and possibly dying. crazy.

i’ve started posting all of my dreams here again.

i need to stop sitting in bad positions too, as i am doing right this second. i’ve been having some circulation problems lately. i should get a physical soon. i should take better care of myself…

too busy to write is actually not a good feeling.

i’m listening to… the zombies.

—

i thought this week would be a piece of cake! i suppose it is in the conventional regard but i was telling robby, “oh sure! i can meet up anytime this week!” but that turned out to be a huge ball of lie as this week, which had seemed so very free, in fact was not… for starters there are like, three friends’ birthdays this week, one of which will probably be celebrated twice, and it’s just all around “aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh!!!” insanity!!

but you know, whatever.

there has been an all-time high use of that thing we call mary jane at our home because shawn is out of town on the east coast and austin is living in his place. austin is quite a fan of such, and rose and sarah have been coming over to hang, and andrew is quite a fan of such, too… so it’s an all-around… smokery mess… the household dynamic is ever-interesting. man. not gonna lie. been paying only minimal attention to all of the responsibilities i should probably be taking care offffffff in terms of redefine. i mean. i’m doing a bunch of shit but there’s a never-ending amount of additional shit to do which has been neglected ;s need more hours in the day…

anyway. i really want to not write right now because it takes time but i think i need to.

life is been unbelievable in terms of synchronicities this year, as i have already been talking about, but it’s kind of at an all-time high, particularly since i started realizing it. gawsh, i hope our minds are not literally just our minds and that all of THIS is not some elaborate fantasy. it’d be quite elaborate and quite fascinating that a mind could construct such butttttttttttt. yeah.

the past few days have been non-stop philosophical conversation, to the point of some serious, serious life reflection… in this… mind-numbing, all-of-this-is-way-too-big-for-us-to-possibly comprehend type fashion. the other night after watching “pi,” rose and austin and i were talking outside on the porch and they were totally on the extreme frOo-frOo spiritual side of things, making me feel like this scientific extremist even though i’m not. blake was passed out on the couch so he was not able to join the discussion which was too bad, because they were just like, “i feel so much!” and i was like, “what the fuck!!” i wasn’t angry, but it was a very like, involved discussion… but in either case, it was interesting because there were these points that kept coming up that they were saying but that blake had said other nights… for example… they were talking about how it would be great to change education in a way that taught children how to rely on emotions and intuition… whereas the other night, blake was talking about how it would be great to change humanity by teaching people to reason and think logically. so fucking weird these polarizations, and hearing both sides, and being essentially the mediator of these sides that stand in stark contrast to one another… it’s kind of maddening. actually, i think my body is pretty pissed at me and is really stressed out. i really want to stretch non-stop…

anyway, another portion of our conversation was brought up by austin, who said that perhaps a solution to some of life’s problems of extreme emotions was turning to this buddhist way of thought… by clearing the mind of thought so that one could think about nothing until an emotion passed… because emotions supposedly only last a short amount of time. to this, i was like WHAT THE FUCK THAT MAKES NO SENSE. and i was trying to argue it from the standpoint that firstly, you couldn’t clear your mind completely really, and even if you did… it would not be at all useful in a modern world because the thought that were bothering you would probably just re-emerge like 5 minutes later, and what could you possibly do? clear your mind non-stop every 5 minutes? it’s simply not practical.

(man… side note… i haven’t had the impetus or time to listen to ANY new music. it’s a fucking problem, seriously…)

what else did we argue about… back to the emotional teaching model of thinking… they were both saying how it would be great if we could teach people to properly emote because that would solve all the problems, and i thought that that was missing the point entirely; teaching someone to rationalize was one thing… scary potentially, yes, but more possible than teaching someone emotion because we have absolutely no grasp on emotions… the prospect of teaching people how to emote is WAY scarier than the prospect of teaching people how to think logically. i don’t know if it is was cause they were stoned (probably a contributing factor) but this line of thinking was rather maddening to me, and again, it was like, “GODAMMIT BLAKE WAKE UP CAUSE I FEEL LIKE AN EXTREME SCIENTIST WHEN REALLY I’M JUST PRETTY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD AND THEY ARE FAR FAR FAR IN LEFT FIELD!”

anyh00t. they were also talking about how teaching emotional awareness would lead to the solving of the earth’s problems, that humans would stop destroying the world around us and realize that we are all connected to everything around us and we should therefore take care of it… and i ended up taking this stance that everything is ultimately selfish, from every human to every tree that is struggling simply to live… and that the trees were not destroying things not because they didn’t want to but because they literally did not have the faculties. that they couldn’t even consider destroying everything because they don’t have godamn arms and shit. they brought up that chimpanzees were similar to people and that they didn’t destroy the earth like we do, and i had to say that they do, that they war and fight against one another, and would probably do more only they don’t have the tools to do so… that we destroy because it’s in our nature, to a degree, and because we have the faculties to do so… they seemed to take on a super pessimistic viewpoint, but only of humanity, saying that it is only humans who sets out to destroy all things, and that all other beings in life work together to help each other. austin talked about how there’s evidence that cells group together and work together to help each other and that animals do too (? i don’t know details and he didn’t say specifics ?) and i had to be like, “wtf, human beings do all sorts of great things and work together on all sorts of great things!” to which rose was like, “like what?” (?!) and i was like, “what do you mean like what? look at this fucking fence! it’s fucking great!” it ended up being a point in my argument that human beings, even with the best of intentions — even if instilled with love of the earth — intrinsically need to create and by creating end up creating waste… that we destroy the earth by virtue of being curious and having large enough of brains! i don’t know why this argument even needed to be argued! it seems like a no brainer!!! again, being stoned probably didn’t help them with their thinking, but!! aaaghhh! maddening!!!

MADDENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

other than that, went to sauvie’s island this past weekend with rose and blake for the first time, which was quite nice. ugh, i’m sleepy. it’s midnight-thirty, and i have oh-so-many errands to run tomorrow. i think i will actually be able to wake up early and get everything i need to fucking do fucking done, yo.

ugh. i actually wanted to write down a why-life-is-so-fucking-crazy-this-year type equation or list of events but this is going to take a while. i will try to summarize quickly.

january > sucked, essentially, haha. got better towards the end, but what-in-the-hell-ever.

febuary > started realizing some interesting coincidences and feeling a different kind of energy. horoscope lineups and all sorts of synchronicities. psyching oneself out on the amazingness of life, generally-speaking.

march > everything everything everything seemed to go flawlessly, effortlessly well. mysterious energies, again, found in things like horoscopes, tarot, etc. interest in duality, stemming a lot from literature, in re-readings of vladimir nabokov, in aldous huxley and related things… slight bent on spirituality, though spirituality from a very concretely written point of view… not entirely frou-frou, but grounded in a pretty solid kind of way (other than baudelaire). all of these books which pointed in this direction were attained rather synchronicitously, baudelaire by random excursion into a borders bookstore that was closing down; aldous huxley by random trip to a bookstore in new mexico; etc. comparisons between baudelaire and metaphysics, symmetry in asymmetry, order in chaos… influenced my writing a lot, lots of pattern-based writing and careful attention to structures… as if i didn’t do that enough already, ugh, but baudelaire kind of contributed a lot more to that…

april > bit the butt in many ways. spent a month alone contemplating the concept of duality. every piece of literature i read — particularly charles baudelaire — began to shape my reality more and more, and interesting that i only probably became interested in baudelaire because of troy… and all the more interested because “it”: a) didn’t work out; b) gave me a lot of introspection in a period when i spent all my time by myself in california. timing could not have been better. seriously. picked up book by sartre, in the only place i could find it, which was the dublin library. read it and the timing was perfect. being by myself in california, had the occasion to begin writing my own book, highly inspired by sartre’s nausea… slightly philosophically, but more in structure and writing style. again, the whole troy thing lighting a fire under my creative ass…

may > began noticing dualities between metaphysics and spirituality… something kind of intrinsically felt in my life but difficult to explain as i barely know anything about either… kind of just a feeling. continue writing book. continue exploring such concepts through conversations. finding a close duality in another human being that makes for some senses of knowledge-completion. two sides of the same coin, both providing me with viewpoints — literature, one, with a focus on poetry; science, two, with a focus on philosophy… both equally abstract, but not to them… but very obvious to me, as a middle-of-the-roader, and the timing is just sheer insanity, and the parallels between the two even larger insanities. in addition to that parallel, though, it all just kind of clicked one night at a party, being sandwiched between a spiritual-minded individual and a science-minded individual, both with quite similar ideas, via different terminology and interpretations. but again. me = middle of the road.

june > conversations intensifying with themes of duality, but moreso this exploration between metaphysics / physics and spirituality… things practically falling into my lap. books being introduced which address the idea of parallels between quantum-level physics and spirituality, lectures and quotes coming up without my even looking…. and this month has only just begun. i resolved a couple days ago to begin dedicating myself, in a way, to studying this topic and trying to synthesize the information in a meaningful way because i know not what else i can do with these topics which keep coming up. i am trying to find the connection between intuition and rationalization — in what ways they are two sides of the same coin. errrf, i guess i am trying to explore the relationship between quantum-level physics and spirituality, via philosophy and literature. what.

hopefully these notes make sense. fuck.
probably will make sense to very few people.
the coincidental power… i don’t know what to do with it.

i think my body is not stoked. i feel suuuuuuuuuper stressed out, my thyroid is super swollen, and oh yeah, i think i can never smoke mary jane again. seriously. it makes me feel like shit — about myself, the universe, etc.

:>>> :>>> :>>>

but yeah here is the problem with studying this stuff; a scientist is largely isolated from religion, a religious person largely isolated from science. the idea is to find the cross-over… i am looking for patterns by loosely studying both ends, and then the goal is to interview the proper people to find more parallels and patterns. fuck. this seems fucking like a crazy undertaking… there are very few human beings to talk to about this, honestly.

—

lenny: (about above)
it makes sense
but i have a hard time relating that to the world i guess

me:
i can understand that
i can barely relate
just kind of happened
as, if you believe in this kind of bullshit, happens..

lenny:
like, what exactly happens to make you realize stuff like this exists
i dont even know what the stuff i’m referring to is

me:
i dont know man. this year i just started feeling this really weird way like everything was working out really well
and then throguh books that were introduced
these ideas just came up
and then kept going
so i guess it started with intrinsic feeling and got solidified by knowledge shared by other people which vibed similarly with feelings i was unexplainably feeling
whoa.
this is a new idea i hadnt thought of.

lenny:
im still pretty lost
what kind of ideas?

me:
let me give you some quotes
ok so life was going really well
effortlessly well
in feb/march
to the point where im like… this is barely life… life cant be this easy
and then i read this book. and this quote kinda describes how i felt

http://hellomynameisvee.tumblr.com/post/4218407856/from-the-french-window-i-walked-out-under-a-kind

it’s like pseudo-spiritual, kinda, but not like super out there… pseudo-spiritual but in a really concretely written literary way
this was only a jump-off point
and from there i just read a LOT and all of these ideas seemed to like
converge.
and a lot fo the books i didnt even look for, i mean i kind of did by the sheer act of going to bookstores and looking at books
but they just happened to be there and appealed to me for whatever vague reasons
and then meeting two people who are very similar in many ways and i have very similar relationships with… yet are complete opposites of people in a lot of ways and opened up two worlds for me: (1) world of abstraction through writing and literature; (2) world of abstraction through philosophy
and also these meetings/intense connections being rather chance in and of themselves…
and fleeting
as though used only for the purpose of gathering knowledge
does this make a lick of sense haha

lenny:
yeah the idea of it makes sense
like i get what youre saying
that recently youve been having these eye opening experiences and synchronicites in your life

me:
yeah i mean i can understand how it’s hard to realte
like a year ago i woulda been like wtf
but that’s the thing with these weird kinda spiritual things
they jut like
… pop up
and then it’s like oh i kinda get it
or something
so they’re kind of hard to explain by nature