It doesn’t always seem like people are most observant when you’re out and strolling about. Today, though, I was out for only a half-hour span and it seemed different. People were awake and paying attention. Perhaps it was the sunny weather; perhaps it was the full moon last night; perhaps it was THE FUCKING FINDING OF ALIEN DNA $@$@(*#@#&!!

In any case. I took a walk-read and began Oscar Wilde’s The Picture Of Dorian Gray, which will no doubt be a very quick and easy read. I am excited, as most of the books I have been reading as of late are quite challenging, or if not, are not of the particular type I like exactly. This book matches exactly my desires and writing style, kind of, and also had some topics which overlapped with a conversation we had last night at the Swahili house. The conversation was one of half doom and gloom, of what will happen when science and spirituality meet, should they meet, where technology is taking us, etc. Details I forget.

Anyway, back to today. The walk-read led me to a small section of seating outside of the nearby elementary school. There were four benches in a circle, I believe, but one was situated just perfectly for the sun to be shining directly upon me. It was, of course, my choice of seat. I read one chapter and then settled down into a meditation, thinking that no one would really pass, or if they did, that they had better things to pay attention to — since they would likely be joggers or families, and such. That was generally the case, though I spied — through closed eyes — a force that stopped on the sidewalk ahead of me. I felt him to be a photographer, and in fact, two seconds after that a shutter clicked twice. I thought of opening my eyes, to in a sense scare him, as I was not so deep in meditation that I failed to notice his presence, but I decided against it. Continuing the vibration felt more desirable. A few minutes later, another group of guys passed by and were speaking of meditation class. From the distance from which they were talking about meditation, it seemed that they had already be speaking about that topic, though I can’t be sure. Soon thereafter, I finished meditating, opened my eyes, and looked directly onto a house porch to my left — for no particular reason — and saw a photographer there. I am unsure whether it is the same photographer, as he was not trained on me at this point and I had not heard a shutter click since the original two. The initial shutter I had heard was one I considered unmistakably from a film camera; this man held a digital camera.

I went to the supermarket and returned. On my way back, while I was reading and walking, two men on a porch caught a glimpse of my bookmark, and one made a mention about how it was a BART ticket. This statement sunk in too late, as I was already passing the next house and bushes had already blocked my view of the observer, but I marveled! I marveled at how people were actually awake, actually paying attention…! It seems rare, it seems rare. It seems rare?

Troy bought me a pair of headphones as a present; they are the same ones that he mixes in the studio with. They are apparently not amazing, but I have not possessed headphones for quite some time now, and it was very sweet of him to buy them for me, simply for desiring to buy me a present, and I imagine, because I am a poor ass motherfucker. He had been speaking some time now of dropping a present upon me such as these; I had not expected it to actually happen. He has a good chance of getting a new job tomorrow, and he just sold his van today for 1.7k. It’s less than expected or desired, but it’s something, anyway.

I feel like a bit of a butthead the past few days, and I’ll have to apologize to him tonight. I am going through some emotional weirdnesses, but I think they’re tapering off. I just don’t want to be shitty about them. Meow. Mrawr. I’m trying to regulate a lot of contrasts between mind and spirit, I guess, and trying to figure out what the optimal amount of time we should spend together is. Because I can spend lots of time, but I get bummed sometimes when that is the case because I feel I am neglecting myself; yet, at the same time, those are times I want, and the main question in my heart at those times is what IS actually best for us? It’s hard to tell.

At least DJ Doc is awesome? I dunno, shit. I think I am done with this post, and generally glad to be getting back into the swing of writing regularly and all that. Time to paint my nails. Oh, right, and I took out my lip ring. I guess I’m aimed to grow up, just a tiny bit, just a fraction. Maybe? I dunno. Time to check be in on my job interview again tomorrow. This week begins the madness, tons of shows, tons of stuff, tons of shows!!

We have an infestation of little fucking moth ass bitches. It is amazingly obnoxious. I just killed three in, I want to say, the past hour? Punch them in the face want! Nick’s girlfriend Sasha said they were boll weevils. They are not boll weevils. They are definitely moths, or at least something related to moths. Some definitely worm-babied on my rice; I ate it anyway cause I kinda don’t care because that shit gets boiled anyway It is annoying as shit, though!!

If I don’t get the job this week, I may go to Hong Kong next month for Joe’s wedding, with a stopover in either China or Korea. I’m unsure. I want to leave and do not. But I can’t let free trips out of sight, now can I? That would be downright foolish.

ugh.

i am like some forlorn creature, tethered to myself but half floating from afar, frustrated by my own complexities, familiar only with my own inability to clarify the reasons for the distance.

above, a sense of failure in navigating, as though an excited collection of fingers touching down upon grace, and things made of dream fodder, are not enough, will never be enough.

within, a sense of failure in understanding, as though a lack for attention spans and simple underlying sympathies point towards root tendencies towards selfishness.

so inconsolable, so treacherous, though without intention. thus wearing emotions upon one’s sleeve marks one as honest but presents a constant worry and manifests exhaustion in the he, muted or not.

are we acting out scripts? filling in roles? inadvertently dodging faces? purposely giving in automated excess?

—

Edit > 10:48pm
It is most interesting that I have just been reading Virginia Woolf’s To The Lighthouse all evening, and similar words and emotions have been expressed, as I have been feeling, acknowledge ridiculously to be feeling, but want desperately not to feel… My sentiments are not callous to such a degree, not so overwhelmingly filled with distaste or so unloving — but there is a degree of this, which outwardly, manifests similarly. (Hopefully I don’t go sticking my head into the oven in the future, or go burning beautiful things to the ground by sheer idiocy.)

Looking at his hand he thought that if he had been alone dinner would have been almost over now; he would have been free to work. Yes, he thought, it is a terrible waste of time… how trifling it all is, how boring it all is, he thought, compared with the other thing — work. Here he sat drumming his fingers on the table-cloth when he might have been–he took a flashing bird’s-eye view of his work. What a waste of time it all was to be sure! Yet, he thought, she is one of my oldest friends. I am by way of being devoted to her. Yet now, at this moment her presence meant absolutely nothing to him: her beauty meant nothing to him; her sitting with her little boy at the window–nothing, nothing. He wished only to be alone and to take up that book. He felt uncomfortable; he felt treacherous, that he could sit by her side and feel nothing for her… He reproached himself again. He was sitting beside Mrs. Ramsay and he had nothing in the world to say to her…

He felt rigid and barren, like a pair of boots that have been soaked and gone dry so that you can hardly force your feet into them. Yet he must force his feet into them. He must make himself talk. Unless he were very careful, she would find out this treachery of his; that he did not care a straw for her, and that would not be at all pleasant, he thought. So he bent his head courteously in her direction.

9:07pm

I just threw away hundreds of Sushi Monsters postcards. Long overdue. I have held onto them for the past five years, it seems. Has it been that long? That is sheer insanity! It was a pack of a thousand initially. I had guessed tonight that there were three hundred or more, but closer inspection reveals numbers closer to six hundred or so. I suppose I have been holding onto them this entire time in the name of some sort of continuity, some sort of hope for resurrection in a project that was so much a part of my existence for quite some time. It is always sad to see things wither away when they showed signs of promise, but I suppose this is the nature of things.

I still wasn’t able to dispose of all of them. It’s my nostalgic nature. In time, no doubt, these too will go away.. but in the mean time, I am hanging onto them, catching the occasional. This, I guess, is the weight of object shrouded in nostalgia. They may never be used again, but their significance lies beyond any value of use. They have significance because they are reminders that crop up every time you change places, move. If even for no more than ten minutes, they provide a connection, a moment of insight and comparison between who you were then and who you are now, who was involved then and who is involved now. I have a difficult time allowing myself to become caught up in memories sometimes – as no doubt anyone with the least bit of sentimentalism does – but this type of sentimentalism is the reverse of progress; it is what hinders and stagnates a being… it can’t sustain, or one ruins oneself…

I am thinking lately that my project in REDEFINE has turned more into a project of my own with its latest transformation. And it’s not that I want it to be this way, but that the change is hard for some to grasp onto. How I wish I could explain better my vision – but I know only how to engage it by demonstrating, and less by directing. And everyone is so busy, so full of life and necessity, that while it is growing it seems simultaneously shrinking; burning bright while simultaneously fading. However that works is unbeknownst to me; I know only that it is working that way.

I am lethargic these days – slow in action and crawling at a snail’s pace in the mundane. With no internet at home, my use of time is stretched; I am putting everything in its right place on a bit by bit basis. No sweeping moves, no garishness. Only slow and deliberate, the opposite of what I have always been. I have changed in this, and I’m not certain I like it. Surely I am just as effective when I do put my mind to things, but the mind is difficult to put to things these days. It’s bored of directives and tasks. It wants to fly free without constraint. Perhaps after this upcoming road trip I will be able to settle back into routine – as routine as my complete lack of routine is – and be content with it rather than dulled. We shall see.

11:43pm
I have been consuming the words of Anais Nin and Henry Miller. They leave me with respect for him, a huge distaste for her. The fervor and belief with which she supported Henry Miller was perhaps generous, but in the “love” she had for him and for all the other lovers – of which there were so, so many – she had no scruples. And what’s more: she frowned upon others having scruples, yet felt jealous when Henry took lovers, despite having three or four at any given time herself! Her nature was water, in the most detestable of ways. And being introduced to the works of a lady who I had so longed to read and been so curious to learn about not only leaves me a bit disillusioned but is just downright obnoxious. She knows not herself yet attracts the others with a projected image of chastity, innocence, and trustworthiness – none of which she had. Perhaps later on in her life she mellows out and becomes tolerable, but I have consumed nearly a decade’s worth of material and have not found her to be a good person. Dedicated to supporting a man in his fine craft, yes, but good? Far from. It hardly matters how much effort one can put forth for another person if the bottom line is such loathsome selfishness and deceit. In reading her journal entries in Henry And June, I had only forty pages left to go but nearly wanted to toss the book aside, so tyrannical her thoughts seemed to be. So intrusive, so capable of planting seeds of insanity into my own mind. Certainly I could never come close to doing what she could – but there are parallels in some of her doubts and criticisms of Henry… some of which I was contemplating this morning upon wake about my own lover. For me, these criticisms are simply issues to be remedied, to be discussed. For her, they were wishy-washy complaints vetted out while she oscillated between proclaiming her intense love for Henry and her absolute nonchalance for him. Does such contradictory writing come from lack of self-reflection, or from the trauma she so insists upon? At one point, she says that her flaw for embellishment leads her down only one of four possible paths at any given time, that path not a full-truth but a fictitious one only partially true, because there are so many sides to her story that she can only follow one partially at once. Disgusting. I can do without ever reading any of her books again! To think that I respected her for her leanings towards Surrealism, thought her writings would perhaps echo those leanings… but instead what I find is disingenuous tripe, with even admitted lies to herself. Why I am ranting about this so much, I really don’t know. Why it bothers me so much, I don’t know. I suppose it puts me in a foul mood, generally, as it has shattered my image of her, and leaves in my mind thoughts of human savagery before I am to sleep. My dreams have been torturous lately at times, and I want not these failings of humanity to creep into them this evening. I am preemptively issuing my disapproval of her so as to somehow avoid a nightmare. We shall see if this tactic works… or if it serves to do just the opposite.

I hardly know what I am writing about. With the lack of the internet and so much ingestion of books, I am writing without proofing and posting it all in the aftermath. It leads to a much more raw creation, and that I can certainly appreciate. The quality, though… while I feel it is excellent at this time, subsequent reads may reveal that it is far from. But we’ll deal with that then. Will I edit it then? I will not. Consider then, this paragraph to be a fair warning that all of the above may be absolute shite.

And now, I will see if tonight is a proper night for editing my personal manuscript of most importance…

perhaps.

currently on my way up to seattle. the internet is crawling at a snail’s pace. i am listening to junior boys, though tired of music. i had thought for certain that i would be ready for the heat, and at the light of the morning today i sat in the window of sound grounds ready to soak in the sun’s rays. but no sooner had i sat down that i began to think about the computer overheating, and soon thereafter, my phone began to grow warm and its screen began to fade, as they become do sometimes when the heat melts them. counter-intuitive. i wish i had brought a movie, but i’ll sit nauseously typing instead. it smells of corn nuts. i am slightly jealous. dinner for me consisted of a pre-emptive strike of gluten-free vegetable noodle soup and some crackers and a fruit salad. i might grow hungry later but whatever, or i might not; i never know what to eat to actually stay full and healthy. it’s a strange thing, this eating thing. it’s always an enigma. i think i ate too much fruit, though; the sugars and the nausea work together to be completely non-friendly. this is usually the case.

there’s a magazine within my vision called artslandia. the cover looks fairly neat.

i have been reading the book henry and june. another henry miller book, indeed. it’s actually interesting because it is just anais nin’s journals, but in it she copies out a lot of the letters she writes to henry miller, and a lot of the things he writes to hers. last week, i had gotten through half of another book which was a compilation of their letters to one another. it is interesting to read these two books side by side, because in the compilation of letters, there are periods where there is a lull in communication, and you wonder what anais nin is doing in the meantime, and why, a lot of the time, she is fucking around (she was married, too, and also seeing her cousin). it’s hard to tell what henry’s view of that was, but endlessly interesting to me that he was the one that was more madly in love, that he was the one waiting for her to come around and get married to him.

i am to work tomorrow, but i have not even been told where i am to go, or at what time… i hope i have not taken this trip for merely nothing. the idea of coming up here periodically is simultaneously alluring and obnoxious; but i suppose i need the money. and truly, the only thing that holds me back from really wanting to dive into doing it is the parting. so temporary it is, yet so long it feels each time!

i gave a speech at research club yesterday. i felt good after doing that, and i think i projected a confidence that was better than what i had initially felt. i left out a couple of concepts, but nothing significant, and didn’t once have to look at my notes, and only read through it once (granted there were pdf cues to help). no one asked me questions afterwards, though, which is a shame! i want someone to tell me how to make money! haha! (it was about redefine.)

this week in seattle should be fun. catching up with people and things, and robby may be coming up. i am trying to get him a job at my company to do iphone and ipad design, and i hope that works out… even though i don’t know where i am going tomorrow, save for a vague destination of “capitol hill”….

but yeah, before the speech yesterday, i was a wreck for a couple days, primarily because of the non-listening disingenuity of some people. these things become obvious through cues, through contradictions of speech and behavior, and they are disappointing, primarily when the people are your good friends. and i was left hanging in the wings, simultaneously hating the situation of isolation and simultaneously hating myself for feeling the way i felt. my critical nature is one that perhaps makes me great and effective and discerning and simultaneously obnoxious to myself at times. i am very good at letting things go in some situations… but find it hard to let dishonesty go, and find it hard to let go of my own criticisms of flaws in others which are also flaws in myself. so it goes, though… many of us hate the aspects of ourselves we can see so clearly as negative in other people but are powerless to stop in ourselves. and i ramble.

but i feel alright, now… it comes and it goes. it’s up and it’s down if you feel a lot!

i’m already halfway through henry and june! such a brisk read, and exciting that i can finish it this week in seattle — if not before then — and move on, quickly, rather than lag in half-read purgatory of purgatories as i have been doing with literature as of late. i will also be excited next week to go home for a day, though unfortunately troy will probably not be able to come with me, for my parents denied their band the permission to stay at our gigantic, barely inhabited home. but this is the way of selfishness, and as i told troy recently, i wonder time and time again how i spawned from these people, these people who will argue with a child who wants to sit with her mom on a plane — and so it is. you either become them or you become vastly different from them. the latter, i choose. forever, the latter. ever i should be a parent, i will be one that is not governed by the false face of fear, which shades all things good and mutates them into monsters. it is the worst thing. the worst thing.

lenny’s dad asked him to go to cambodia with him. dude is old — older than my dad. i don’t know if my goading was vital in convincing lenny to go, but he’s going! and i am quite excited! it should be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and cambodia is just the biggest shit (the good kind). i wish that i could go back there again, but so many places, so many places to go!

we went to dj prashant’s bollywood dance night the other night at holocene (a temporary one-off venue). it was amazing, and there was a time for bollywood dance lessons which ruled. it just so happened that i have been watching just about nothing but bollywood movies lately, and i am absolutely in love with this movie that was posted here. tees maar khan (तीस मार ख़ान)) just has the most awesome theme songs — one of which, “my name is sheila,” was played at bollywood dance night — and it was soooo hilarious it makes me wanna watch the director farah khan’s entire discography… it got a 2.7 on imdb though! wht a buncha shit! fools!! i think perhaps americans just don’t understand this genius in humor. or maybe just the whole world doesn’t, save for me!!!!!!!!!!!! but really, i’m not familiar with this subgenre of bollywood movies so maybe i fail to win at life. in any case, i like it. though admittedly, i did fall asleep at the end.

this internet is so slow… i must quit. stupid train internet! i bought you because i thought your internet was tolerable! it won’t even allow me to access facebook!

IN CONTRAST TO LAST YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR THIS YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR IS THE SLOWEST EVER.

LAST YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR = INEXPLICABLY AWESOME AND EFFORTLESS.
THIS YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR = INEXPLICABLY SLOW AND DIFFICULT.

FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
COMPARISON NOTES.

LAST YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR (AND EVERYTHING WAS TRUE), HOROSCOPE FOR FEBRUARY 2011 =

You will love February! It’s a strong and sturdy month that will allow you to make exceptional progress. There will be a remarkable stack-up of planets in Aquarius, including Mars, Neptune, the Sun, and new moon on February 2, sure to get your spirit soaring.

One day later, Mercury will enter Aquarius too, and Mercury, the planet that naturally rules your career, loves to be in that sign, for when there, Mercury is considered “exalted” – the very best place for Mercury to be. Jupiter will be in a position to help Mercury by the end of that week, February 4 and 5, so it’s clear all kind of good news is about to come barreling toward you quickly, dear Sagittarius!

Can you believe it, you will have a total of five heavenly bodies in Aquarius, all air signs, plus Saturn in air sign Libra makes six out of ten in air. Wow, that’s great news! Air signs make your fire element burn more brightly! What’s MORE special is that Jupiter will be in fellow fire sign Aries in perfect angle to your Sun, a huge boost to your confidence and health, and for getting outstanding, rare help from VIPs. In February, you will look, sound, and feel your best, and that says to me that others will respond to you in a very positive way, too. This is your month to make your mark!

You will notice a new feeling in the air as soon as the month begins, at the new moon, February 2. January had focused you on matters related to money, taxes, and earning and other related financial matters. You may have had talks or negotiations lately, and if so, you will be ready to finalize deals in early-to-mid-February.

With so many air planets circulating about, prepare for a deluge of phone calls, emails, and hastily arranged meetings. Your mind will crackle with ideas, and each one will lead you to the next, all very do-able and likely praised by management and clients. February will be an exciting time, for sure! You will be “in your element” and feeling that everything is going your way.

Travel is a strong possibility this month, whether close by early in the month, in February sometime between 2 and 21, or a more distant trip near the full moon, February 19 plus or minus five days.

Sagittarius loves to travel, so this should make you feel excited about all that’s to come. If you do travel early in the month, it may be to see a cousin or sibling, a good time to connect. Your love aspects are beaming brilliantly too, something I will talk more about later in your report, but suffice to say, in early February, Cupid will be behind every tree, bush, and building, waiting to pluck his arrow toward you! Look your best, even when running errands in your neighborhood or visiting close by locations out of town.

If you write, speak, lecture, edit, or do advertising or publicity, this month will shout out your name. You will have plenty to do, that’s for sure, but it looks like you’ll love the work you do. You may have a document, manuscript, or thesis to hand in, or a speech to give. Your name will be “out there” and others will come to you for your opinions.

Planets in Aquarius are all about networking and connecting, so you may be working on your Facebook page or learning Twitter. Or, you may be going to a tradeshow, convention, or conference and mixing with lots of new faces. You may be doing things on a big scale – redoing your company’s website, reporting news on the upcoming fashion shows in New York, Milan, or Paris – or as an individual, simply changing your profile on social media and perhaps uploading some photos. In astrology, you can always do things on a scale that makes sense to you.

Planets are stacking in futuristic Aquarius, and also suggest that digital media will be in the forefront of your mind. You may be ready to “Q and A” (test) a new software program you wrote, start drug trials on a new medicine, launch a new phone app, or see your book come out on Kindle. Alternatively, you may be working on a community, charitable, not-for-profit humanitarian goal, as Aquarius also rules this area of life. Are you a massage therapist, work at a spa, or do astrology? Aquarius ALSO rules these areas. If any of these areas are important to you, you will do doubly well.

FULL DETAILS.

ACTUALLY, THAT POST IS PRIVATE, AS IT HAPPENED TO BE MY MOST ROMANTIC CONVERSATION EVER (AT THE TIME), WITH TROY ONE. AT THIS POINT IT’S NOT THAT PRIVATE TO ME ANYMORE SINCE IT IS NO LONGER A THING, SO HERE’S A PART:

V: Sounds like a plan, stanley .
T: For the last time, call me stan!
T: Going to bed you sultry strumpet. I’ll miss you in the morning and in between.
V: Haha you made me laugh out loud with the stan comment. Adorable. Miss you! Sleep wellishly!
T: Brilliant! Sleep wellishly too, when you decide to sleep!
V: Never! By the way these feelings are totally weird but just rolling with it . Haha
T: Weird feelings are the best feelings, and rolling with them is the only way to go about it. I’d kiss you were you here! Goodnight!

THIS YEAR’S THIS TIME OF YEAR (AND EVERYTHING IS TRUE), HOROSCOPE FOR FEBRUARY 2011 =

and it has become harder to get decisions from higher ups. You may have blamed this loss of momentum on the year-end holidays, but that was not the reason. Mars, now touring your tenth house of career fame, honors, and achievement, went retrograde on January 21 and will remain out of phase until April 13.

Even before Mars shut down for a rest late last month, he began to move ever more slowly during December and January, so you will have to be patient. You may see progress in early March, so don’t let up on efforts. You may have to push yourself more to keep motivated, but you do have a good chance of seeing success. Forward ho! Keep those wagon wheels rolling.

If you need a good day for a career effort, choose February 24-28. On Friday, February 24, you will have Jupiter to help you give a fine presentation or interview for a new position similar to the level of the one you had before. Or, if self-employed, you would be able to generate new business on Friday, February 24. (If you work weekends, then by all means, pitch over February 25, your best day.) For negotiations involving large sums of money, choose February 28 when Pluto will signal the Sun.

Early February might be a good time to take a little vacation. The full moon will light your ninth house of distant travel (Leo, 18 degrees) on February 7, so you may leave earlier in the week and be returning home from an exciting location within five days of the full moon. There is nothing like a long trip to put the bounce back in your step! Alternatively, you may finalize a deal with a foreign company, or you may be taking steps to go back to college for an advanced degree. Other matters may be taken care of now too – you may get a passport or green card, or you may finish jury duty. If you work in the media, you may get your book published or an important segment readied for broadcast. Lots of positive things will be happening within four days of February 7.

If your birthday falls on December 9, plus or minus five days, you will benefit most from this lovely full moon, or if you have planets in Sagittarius, Aries, Leo, Gemini, Libra or Aquarius at or very near 18 degrees.

Let’s look at your outlook for romance this month, which seem to have had more twists and turns than a best selling spy thriller. First, the eclipses have had an enormous influence on your love life (or, a business partnership). The first test to your partnership came December 21, 2009, the second one on June 15, 2011, and the third on December 10, 2011. If your birthday falls December 10-23, then you felt one of these eclipses; if your birthday falls in November, you may have noticed changes near November 25, but the eclipse that fell on that day was a positive one that brought opportunity, while the others were more emotional dates, because they were full moons. Depending on what happened as a result of all those eclipses, you may be happy or not-so-happy about love, but in any case, things will improve for your love life in time.

As said earlier, Mars is now retrograde, and Mars is the natural ruler of your fifth house of new love. (The fifth house also rules pregnancy and creativity, so in all these areas, there appear to be delays.) With Mars now looking back, not forward, until April 13, you may see your new relationship stall a little, or you may deliberately slow it down if you feel you’ve pushed it forward too fast. If you want to have a baby, the new moon at the end of the month might trump the retrograde Mars because it is so very fertile – a Pisces, Taurus, and Cancer new moon are often the very best for conception.

Sometimes a retrograde planet will bring a change of mind, so with Mars retrograde in your new love sector, you may decide this person is not for you, or conversely IS for you, despite previous doubts. Still, you need to go slowly. I would not want you to move quickly with the ruler of your house of love in retrograde. Mars rules the expression of physical affection, and so this month and next, you might find that your chemistry together is lacking or completely off. It is also possible that your new love has to travel for work, so you may not see one another at all, and that’s fine – actually, that would be a good manifestation of Mars retrograde.

The happy part about February is that Venus will be in Aries, a fire sign that blends divinely with your Sagittarius Sun, from February 8 to March 5. Venus is not an assertive planet, as Venus teaches the wisdom of sitting back and letting others come to you. This is how Venus got the reputation of being the so-called “lazy planet” – she teaches never to get desperate, to give admirers room to decide they cannot bear to be without you and come to you. Venus will help you use your considerable powers of attraction to bring the right person to you. From February 8 onward, it would be a great time to upgrade your appearance by changing your hair, buying new clothes, and for women, choosing new makeup colors.

If you have no one to love, you have the perfect day for a surprise, chance meeting on February 9, when Venus and Uranus will meet in your fifth house of true love in the adventuresome sign of Aries. This day will be charged with fantastic electric energy! Look your best!

Then, on Valentine’s Day, February 14, lucky you, the moon will be in Sagittarius, favoring you above all others! I like this day because during that entire week, Mercury will be so chatty with other planets, in the most positive way. Mercury rules your seventh house of close, serious relationships, which, of course, includes your spouse, or if dating, the possibility for engagement and marriage.

Here is what is happening that week, and keep in mind there is always an aura around the dates I am giving you, so don’t get stuck on one day. You can add a plus or minus of at least one day. (If you live in Asia, Australia, or other time zone that is 12 hours earlier than the US, then add one day. For example, in Australia, my mention of February 13 becomes February 14.)

February 13: Mercury will combine forces with Neptune, exuding a beautiful aura, just perfect for a week that holds the day for lovers, February 14. (This would not be a day to sign a contract but for love and romance, it’s divine.) On the same day, Saturn will work with Mercury too, so promises in love will be promises kept.

February 16: One of the most wonderful days of the month, when Mercury joins Jupiter, your ruler, in the most optimistic, expansive, happy day to make an agreement or a promise. Give this day three gold stars. Remember, you will feel the growing energy of this day on February 14. You may get an outstandingly generous gift on February 14, 15, or 16. Could it be a diamond?

Now, let’s talk about your home and family situation, which is about to become a huge hub of interest in weeks, months – even possibly years to come!

This month, on February 3, for the first time in your life, Neptune will move into your fourth house of home and is set to stay for fourteen years. Neptune has not been in Pisces since 1847 to 1862. Neptune rules creativity, so you may now become very interested in interior design, art history and furniture design, architecture, home textiles, landscaping, or other elements of home design. It may start with a redo of your apartment or house, and your interest may spread to a desire for an entire career in this area. Or you may be ready for a career switch and have always wanted to delve into this area. If so, Neptune will help give you the inspiration you need to be a success.

For now, you will need to make absolutely sure you have flood and other water damage or gas insurance for your home, whether you own or rent. This is a long trend, fourteen years, and when Neptune shows up, he will want to bring the sea with him into your house. Keep him out. Make sure your windows have secure, tight gaskets around the edge of each window so that the rain can’t ruin your floors. With your aspects, never leave a window open when you go out, and especially when traveling. Change your fire detectors so they’re up to date, with fresh batteries and the newest model, and make sure it has a CO2 detector feature too.

Ask your plumber to check all the pipes in your house to be sure they are in good shape. Once, when I was having my bathroom painted (I love to have my rooms painted frequently), my painter told me one pipe was in bad condition. I immediately invited my superintendent up who said – “You have hours, not days. Call a plumber NOW!” The plumber came later that day, and as he looked at it, it fell apart in his hands by barely touching the pipe. Fortunately, the water was turned off when this happened.

It may not be wise to buy beachfront property in the coming fourteen years. In the future, whenever Neptune will be visited by an angry planet, you could have water-related problems. At the very least, ask neighbors when the last time there was a bad hurricane or other natural disaster that could bring heavy water damage to your neighborhood. Check the safety of the well water, to be sure there are no problems with toxicity. By taking these simple steps, you can keep yourself safe.

Still staying with the topic of home, now let’s look at the month’s beautiful new moon, which just brims with real estate opportunity for you! If you were thinking about moving, you will have one of the best new moons of the year to help you. If you need support from your family, it just might be there if you ask for your favor after the new moon appears.

This home and family-related new moon will appear on February 21 in Pisces, 3 degrees. This new moon is very sweet. It will be in ideal angle to Jupiter, your ruler (which is very significant, for it means this new moon can help you in a bigger way than other signs, because Jupiter is your guardian planet). If you hope to list your house for sale, I would do it beginning February 21. Don’t wait to do so next month, as Mercury will retrograde from March 12 to April 4, not a time to make any important actions. If you act now, keep in mind that Jupiter usually brings money with him wherever he goes – you could make a tidy profit.

Saturn will be very comforting on this new moon February 21 too, which suggests that if you sign a lease or close on a house anytime within a week after this new moon arrives, you are likely to love your decision for many years into the future.

There is one day I just love for you, for home, real estate, or family-related actions, and it is February 25, when the Sun and Jupiter will be in perfect sync. This is a four-star day for signing a lease, closing on a house, assigning contractors, or even for having a party. If you have to make a decision for a parent who needs your assistance, do it on February 25. This works both ways – a parent may be helping YOU. Jupiter is currently visiting your house of work-projects, so if you want to set up a home office this month, I think that’s a great idea. Aim to have it open for business by Saturday, February 25.

There is one more excellent day, when Pluto in Capricorn in your money and wealth house signals the Sun in your house of real estate on Tuesday, February 28. Again, it looks like you’ll have negotiated a good deal, and it would be a perfect day to take action on any sort of home or real estate decision, including the rental of a summer cottage.

Recently your career has picked up speed, and you’ve moved ahead of the rest as one to watch. You will be getting a number of impressive offers, and you may find it to be a bit bewildering to be fussed over. Yet despite your professional popularity, you have yet to find the perfect situation so you may feel in a kind of limbo, not sure which way to go and waiting for the right position to come up.

This will keep up for a while because this condition is related to Mars being retrograde since January 23. The full moon that will occur next month on March 8 may bring talks to a final stage. If not, you will have an even better chance to see things reach a pinnacle point in May or June. Be patient. Once Mars turns direct on April 13 you will see a much brighter professional picture emerge. There is a good chance you will hear upbeat news as soon as next month, however, on or near March 8, the full moon in your professional sector. If you do have an interview, you will need spectacular aspects to help you push things forward – you’ll have that on February 15 and 16 when Mars and Jupiter collaborate. It’s a dazzling two days!

In the meantime, you will be working on projects that you enjoy, and those assignments will have the power to lead you to bigger and better things. Watch what occurs on February 24-February 25 when Jupiter will contact the Sun – the new assignment that comes up could be lucrative and prestigious. Give it all you’ve got!

If you need to ask for a raise, you may want to hold off. Saturn will go retrograde February 7 (and you are already too close to this date as you start the month) and will turn direct June 25. Wait until June or July to ask for best results.

Nothing lifts your spirits quicker than getting a chance to travel, and the full moon, February 7 plus or minus four days, could bring an exciting trip. Because full moons bring things to an end, you may be finishing up a trip at this time. You may travel to view property to buy or rent, visit family, or go for a quick vacation. Although it’s less likely you’d travel for business, either way would be productive and you’d be able to get agreement on the order.

The new moon February 21 will inspire you to make beautiful design changes to your home or outside, to your garden or other landscaping. Neptune, the planet of imagination, will enter Pisces and your home sector for the first time in your lifetime on February 3, to stay for a staggering fourteen years. This is a big trend, and one that may bring your talents for home decorating to new heights, possibly talents you never knew you had. A lucky break could occur in regard to real estate at anytime in the week that follows the new moon, February 21. Within that two-week period that follows the new moon, your best days will occur on February 24-25, or when Pluto speaks to the Sun, February 28.

One word of warning: Neptune is associated with water, and because this planet is setting up shop in your home sector until 2026, it would be advisable to have flood insurance as part of your renter’s / home owner’s insurance package. Guard against any type of water problems, in the full spectrum, including mold, tainted drinking water, leaking roof, or flooding in the basement, as a few of many examples. It’s a protection you may never need, but will be so happy to have if you ever do.

Romance should sparkle brightly! You are one of the most favored of all signs for love! Venus will enter Aries, showering your romance sector with radiance, from February 8 to March 5. Wow, that’s almost all month! One most special day to circle in gold will be February 9, when Venus will link to Uranus, and a chance meeting could happen right around the corner.

Your most romantic dates: February 9 (gold-star), 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 19, 23, 24, and 25.

You may travel far and wide February 7, plus or minus four days (or be returning then!)

Home and family goals will get a big push at the new moon February 21, plus two weeks.

Neptune will move into Pisces on February 3, 2012 and stay fourteen years. Neptune will encourage your artistic expression at home, in regard to home decorating or architectural design.

Guard against Neptune’s propensity to bring floods or other water-related problems to your home or other property by having the right renter’s or homeowner’s insurance policy now and in the coming years.

Venus in Aries is a wonderful placement for you to encourage new love or enjoy present love, February 8 to March 5.

Watch February 9 as a standout day for romantic experiences! Circle it!

Saturn will go retrograde from February 7 to June 25, not the time to ask for a raise. Wait until late June or July.

A lucrative new project may come to you February 24-26. It could be a big one, thanks to the help you’ll be getting from good fortune Jupiter. Jupiter’s your ruler, so this is worth more to Sagittarius than most other signs!

As for romance, it is good, though there are no extended chat sessions to save and share But it is just as cheesy. But it really is getting me down majorly that “work” is really sucking some major ass and things (decisions from higher-ups, seriously) are SLOW AS FUCK. Planning the SXSW showcase last year was the easiest thing on the planet; this year it is the most frustrating thing ever, and that’s with an already wildly successful show under the belt. Last year was complete bullshit that turned into awesome; this year is awesome that is slow to become. AGHHH! I am losing my mind editing videos all day and not enough of other things! I will be glad when all of this is done tomorrow, when it will be thrown out to a crowd of 300-something-people at Holocene, for all to see. Oh man. I am a little nervous, to be sure, as I don’t actually have much in the way of how do you call it, technical skill, but have a vision, I guess.

And one last note.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.
I LOVE ALDOUS HUXLEY.

If ever I have a child, he or she will be named Aldous — or Huxley… it’s almost impossible that it won’t be the case. The man is a genius. When I am finished with my first book, the next will take the ideas of Huxley and turn them into a curriculum of sorts. What is the point? What is the point, indeed. I don’t know or fucking care, but I know that I want and want and want to do it. I can’t even begin to explain accurately the way I feel about Aldous Huxley, but let’s just say that reading Huxley’s work, I feel I am reading thoughts from my own mind. Perhaps I am not so great as him, but he is balance; and I read now that his entire mantra, specifically towards the end of his life, was balance — balance between the inner and the outer worlds. And to most people that makes no sense, but it makes so much sense. And his book, Island, supposedly a counterpart to Brave New World, is about utopia rather than dystopia, and it is a tract, rooted in data, rooted in experience, for how to reach utopian society. I must read this book, and I must read it soon. What am I doing? Who knows. What do I want to do? WRITE BOOKS. MAKE VIDEOS.

For the first time since I’ve moved to Portland, I am leaving to go on vacation for a month, and I don’t want to sublet my room. Certainly I could use the money. Certainly. But I am wary of my space being defiled, for once. What changed? I don’t know, but it seems for once that I want to have my space be my space. Hrm. Most interesting. Had another bizarre dream last night as well. I don’t know what is going on with my subconscious.

what up with it.

man, i haven’t written for a few days though a lot has happened. this is what happens when i don’t have internet freezing is also what happens when the godamn coffee shop you’re at doesn’t close their front door ARGHHHH DEATHHHH.

anyway, last night we watched the turin horse, which, after reading george’s review, i had really wanted to watch and even dragged along two other poor sops (gina and troy). it was, in fact, the most boring film on the planet — so boring and slow, really, that it became of the utmost hilarity, in that it seems impossible that anyone would direct such film intentionally, and yet, there it is, proof of intentionality, and proof that life is OMG SO ABSURD. it was beyond bad. and then was the polica show, which was also so, so, so incredibly mediocre that the entire evening — save for troy and i’s eating at swagat — was basically just a waste, which i could have spent instead watching bollywood movies and iranian action films that i have, or editing swahili videos for tuesday’s grimes show… but nOoOoOooo.

two days ago there was an excursion into the world of the mush, and it came in some kind of a flash that i should make movies… yes, movies. the kind where i would direct a human around, rather than just editing. it was a strange thought, an arresting thought, an aldous-huxley-looks-at-lawn-chair-in-doors-of-perception thought, of paralyzing brilliance — the floorboards were glowing — of all-encompassing beauty? it’s funny and ridiculous. but i never would have been in that position had it not been for my arms going absolutely numb for, i think, ten minutes or something. a quick online search yielded a result of a woman who had such symptoms and then got a catscan that was clean, got one three years later, and discovered that she had a brain tumor. it reminds me of the time that i had intense eye problems, and i didn’t know whether they were real or psychosomatic, but they seemed real, yet catscans had revealed nothing. and it is true that those problems came to pass after the 222222222222222ci. i remember feeling so, so, so lonely then, so frustrated that i went to get a catscan that day, by myself, and came back to my apartment at 716 n 41st st. and no one cared at how miserable of a time i had had. lenny, alex, and andy were hanging out, and i didn’t want to bring up how horrible and how terrifying of a time i had had in the catscan (recap of the event here). anyway. my eye has never felt normal since then — but it did subside a slight bit, and i just kind of ignored it, supposing it wasn’t a huge deal if the catscan didn’t result in anything. and i just felt generally idiotic for making such a big fuss, BECAUSE nothing came to be seen. but that doesn’t mean there is no problem, and such intense arm numbness scared the fucking shit out of me, and i need to go get a catscan stat, i think. but it is the case with insurance and such that… i just feel like i don’t even know where to go, and i’m scared also that parents will see the insurance, or i mean, how much does insurance even cover for this shit? can i actually afford this crap? so many questions.

i have been having nightmares lately. i never have nightmares, and don’t really know what the cause is. they are especially prevalent when i stay at troy’s house. the worst was two nights ago, when i spit out half my teeth and was desperately trying to hold in the rest. i have had these kinds of dreams many times — dreams interpretation guides say teeth-related dreams have to do with financial worries, though i know in my case that can’t be true — and i will say that they are, hands down, the worst godamn dreams ever to have… they feel so horrible, each tooth feeling like it is wiggling, hanging on by a thin thread, me never certain whether i’ll lose them all or not… are these dreams telling me i should take care of my teeth better? but i just got a teeth cleaning last year and it was okay… that dream was followed up by a strange escapade where lenny and i were wandering an abandoned mall or something, and we were looking for places to, i think, do the nasty. we went into the elevator and that seemed like the best place but there was something amiss about it; i don’t remember what. the dream pretty much just consisted of much wandering, inside and outside the mall.

this morning’s dream had to do theft. i was in the woods with some people and went outside, and there was really light grey layer of light penetrating the sky in dotted cross-type shapes. they got brighter and brighter. someone asked what they were. i think i said they were lasers. they got brighter, and closer, and began to descend, and when they descended closer, a blue kite-like strip became apparent and it looked like the drupal logo but had the words, very clearly, “laser druid.” it was some company or some brand. got inside and discovered that all of the computers and things we had had been hacked, and that the laser lights were information-stealing lasers, or something. it was strange; our computers were locked from normal use but also were completely dismantled. i think i went into the next room and began crying or being really upset, saying that my computer was essentially my life… it’s weird, its weird, it’s weird.

anyway, when looking at people on the mush, they are essentially a huge ball of hair and eyes to me, and it is hard to focus and mostly unattractive. it’s relatively such a hard thing, weird temperatures and body functions, weird reactions to perception. we began by taking a walk through mt. tabor which was beautiful on that day, drenched in fog, pure misting on the face. so good, so good. the greens and red-browns came to light, along with the realization that i mimick patterns in my mind that aren’t usually there. as far as learning, all i came to be left with was that i need a haircut and to tighten up my style a little bit. and to watch what i eat a bit more and take care of this body thing. and that i need to make films — perhaps not now, but that i can and am capable of making films. it has always been a bit of a thing where my favorite photographers are those who stage elaborate sets, but i have never felt comfortable with doing anything of the sort, never felt comfortable with directing people to do anything. i guess more than anything the experience was a reminder that perhaps i can do those things, and should, just because they’re difficult? i am not sure. but i am excited for this suite of swahili-related videos i am editing, and it will be fascinating to see if these result to something more, whether they will ultimately be used for their videos, etc. it’s unclear, all is unclear.

i think what troy learned was that anything can be done. which is cool. evidently up until now such experiences for him have been ways to work on the self — and this time, it was manageable, a sense that the self is doing fine and that the self just needs to learn to do things rather than talk about doing things. we had an idea the other night when out with abe about reviving all-day concert series ala jam bands of yore, and i think the mushy cemented in troy’s mind that it was possible to actually do these things, and that should be a partner and help me do those things, rather than waiting around and waiting for them to happen. undoubtedly, these were cool things to hear. i guess he also thinks that it’s time for him to get a real job rather than continuing to serve food to kids… :L

relatedly, troy and i had a really hilarious conversation the other night where we logic-holed our brain into ridiculousness. it had been quite a while (since blake was around) that i had had such high-logic brain-numbing discussion that it took way shorter of a while for me to be fatigued by it, but it was interesting, and a memory of times. blah, blah, blah. it’s 3:00pm. i am going back to editing videos. i have been reading a literate passion, a collection of letters between henry miller and anais nin. it’s interesting, it’s love, and i never knew that henry miller was really the one who was more in love with her, that he waited for years to marry her, but that she never wanted to divorce her real husband for fear of hurting him, even though she had stopped loving him years before and thought of him only as a good friend. interesting people.

barfing on my own face.

Today! Today, today, today, at 6:30am on February 9th, 2012, marks the date that I have finished Henry Miller’s The Tropic Of Capricorn. Never would I have believed upon being initially gifted this book that it would become notable enough to celebrate its completion! In it, I not only have found the perfect opening quote for my novel, but now I realize, the perfect closing one as well. And how symmetrical, that these chosen verses fall within the opening ten and closing ten pages of Miller’s book, just as they fall within the five opening and closing of mine.

It begins like this:

Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction.
Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside,
in life, as they say, lay the solution to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that
I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. Instead
I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for something to attach myself to — and
I found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left
high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something I had not looked for — myself.
I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live — if what others are doing
is called living — but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest
in living, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of
it at the same time, and beyond it.

And it ends like this:

It seems to me that it is exactly 25,960 years since I have been asleep in the black womb of sex. It seems to me that I slept perhaps 365 years too many. But at my any rate I am now in the right house, among the sixes, and what lies behind me is well and what lies ahead is well. You come to me disguised as Venus, but you are Lilith, and I know it. My whole life is in the balance; I will enjoy the luxury of this for one day. Tomorrow I shall tip the scales. Tomorrow the equilibrium will be finished; if I ever find it again it will be in the blood and not in the stars.

I, too, have begun and ended like this, though in reverse to this process. Henry Miller and I’s parallel romantic experiences are twain mirrors of our separated lives. But sandwiched between bookends of our shared experiences – symbolized by death and then birth, birth and then death – everything else in-between is variable, different, made similar only by our each writing a book and finding ourselves because of pain. Both hint towards the future, though seventy years of question marks divide them, his having completed The Tropic Of Capricorn in 1938 (appropriately, in Paris).

I suppose, contextually, for one to understand what I mean really is to capture this exact passage from The Tropic Of Capricorn – this passage that will begin my second book, the continuation of the first, the hello to the one for whom that is written, my star-aligned Aries, my age-old familiarity, for which this verse rings true:

“One can wait a whole lifetime for a moment like this.
The woman whom you never hoped to meet now sits before you,
and she talks and looks exactly like the person you dreamed about.
But strangest of all is that you never realized before that you had dreamed about her.
Your whole past is like a long sleep which would have been forgotten had there been no dream.
And the dream too might have been forgotten had there been no memory, but remembrance is there in the blood and the blood is like an ocean in which everything is washed away but that which is new and more substantial even than life: REALITY.”

Up until this moment, I knew not where to begin with the continuation; I knew only that my work must be continued. But here, before me, with its red jacket sleeve and 95 cent price point, lies the answer, the door-opening key spun from paper and memory and imagination, brought to me in the present by one Henry Miller, whose history and astrology I shall wander to research in the immediate future. Henry Miller, who his hive-minded, zombie-brained contemporaries foolishly sought to banish due to their lack of understanding his genius. Henry Miller, who similarly finds as much weight in astrology as do I; for no other reason would he write two books in homage of Cancer and Capricorn, for no other reason would he have said that he is “now in the right house, among the sixes…” upon finding his ultimate second love…

EDIT

I did find out that the book is not purely fiction or non-fiction, that the truths and non-truths are one and the same, indistinguishable. I wonder if his description of this love is about his wife, June? Or Anais Nin? Or none of the above? Purely fiction? Regardless, I did find this book, to the right, which has a synopsis like this (it is exactly what I aim to do with my own book, coincidentally) according to this lovely post on Psychicchic’s Paranormal Curtain:

“This book, Henry Miller: His World of Urania, was written by the late Hollywood astrologer, Sidney Omarr in 1960. The book analyzes the effect the planets had on Miller and his many works, including Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn, Black Spring and even Sour Orange Juice… I have yet to come across a book like this one – a book that dissects a life history in an attempt to examine the impact of any cosmic thinking.”

>>>

Now to get barfy. Forgive me.

I awoke this morning, as if from plague, afflicted, tumbling from me waters like catharsis – only waters poisoned. I have been bed-ridden since late last evening, feeling like complete pale-faced horror, eating rice and carbs in an attempt to create solid ground inside me, but there is none. It’s horrible. I need to work but I have no internet in my home, and I must make the decision of going out and risking disaster or staying here to do nothing except for occasionally write when the appropriate words come to mind. But aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I feel as though I am dying, though I am not, I hope; I am not often sick in this way, and it is the worst kind. At the same time, I am growing a pimple, I am sweating, oh, it’s horrible. Bathe me royally, is there anywhere for bandages to stop these ridiculous horrors?!! DEATTTTTTTTTTTH.

I’ve ventured out am in public. I’ve scarcely been here half an hour. I need to go home. I need to go home. I need to queue up some bookmark links about Henry Miller — no internet at home — and I need to go home. Over this for the time being. Why did I think I wanted to face the world? Oh, right, responsibility. Getting in the way of my comforts. Sick.

this is actually yesterday.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< written yesterday (though edited today to some degree)

I decided earlier today to walk from Capitol Hill to University District – a three-and-a-half-mile escapade I have done a few times before, though never on the particular route I took today and never when I actually lived here. Peter spent the previous weekend in Portland, so I hitched a ride back up to Seattle with him on Super Bowl Sunday. It amuses me immensely that Super Bowl now creeps up so suddenly; I find out about its existence a few days before, and it always comes as a complete shock. Not that I was ever extremely gung-ho about it, but I can appreciate most sports – baseball being the only real exception – and do find it interesting to miss out on such a huge part of American culture now, when I had at least some sense of it before (that sense shaped as person who was throwing a Super Bowl party or even more than a handful of people attending a Super Bowl party). Now, I don’t even have a party to attend even if I wanted to (and I would rather want to) unless I went up to Seattle and asked my Seattle friends if they knew of one I could attend, I guess! Perhaps even more interesting than that, though, may be going to a bar and watching it, given the recent hobby of visiting the most random bars ever and the fact that I’ve never done that before but nacho-eating huddled around a television is probably more or less the same no matter where you are or who you’re with…

As I was saying, I walked to U-District and was certainly more or less over the walk by the time I got there. It was nice to retrace my steps to my old workplace at the Experimental Education Unit, though; over the course of one summer I walked to and from work daily and lost an exorbitant amount of weight doing so. I would be so sweaty by the time I got to work that it was the kind of sweat that soaked through parts of your shirt you didn’t want it to soak through.

Losing weight is no longer such an easy feat, even if I do walk for miles at a time. I know this because I do that. I am curious what the difference is; is it really as simple as metabolism and growing older? It may also be the fact that I eat way more now… pretty sure that is a truth. It’s a mystery.

I walked through the University of Washington campus to the University District post office, making a couple of pit stops along the way. The first was stopping near the fountain by the Architecture building. The last time I was in Seattle, Troy and I happened to be in the Suzzalo Library – a true beauty, with one hell of an amazing reading room I had never taken the liberty of using when I went to school there – when I ran into Tammy and we came across a series of posters describing a Cultural Fair they used to have on campus. The heart of it was around the Architecture building, and it looked fucking incredible. While doing research to find photos of this, I also just came across this awesome blog of University of Washington’s historical photos. This article tells more about it as well (written in 2009, it celebrates the 100-year anniversary of the event). Am I getting school-sick? Seattle-sick? It seems that I am, big time, and I guess it’s pretty appropriately timed considering some things I will mention later on in this post.

Back to where I was. Walking through the UW campus, there was just one lovely stone bench that wanted so badly to be sat upon, the sun just slightly having been introduced to a corner of it. I granted it my ass! And faced slightly east and sat cross-legged upon it, welcoming in the morning sun with eyes closed, long my favorite way to meditate. Something about the rays upon your eyelids and turning everything an equalizing red, while highlighting patterns of eye dust, really just feels cathartic and radiant. (I also vaguely remember someone telling me once that looking into the sun in that way gets rid of some cells you no longer need and ultimately makes your eyesight or something better. Who told me that, and is it true? Who knows.)

I distinctly remember one meditation session in the backyard of the 716 house in Greenlake when I still lived there. It dawns upon me now that I may not even have purposely been meditating, as I’m not sure it was a practice I did then; it was just an appealing thing to do. I remember opening my eyes for the first time after an extended session adoring the sun in that way, and the world was not the world as I had seen it before; it was tinted blue, or green, but all things were visualized as they were in comparison to the sun’s strength and color. This tinting gradually subsided, but it was powerful to me then, a type of inducement of hallucinogenic states through doing nearly nothing at all. Today, meditating in front of the fountain, I expected difficulty; I expected that those passing by would distract me, that I would get lost in their footsteps and chattering and not be able to focus, similar to what had happened to me the other night with the Shamanic Mysteries. For the most part, though, I meditated for perhaps twenty minutes and many passed by, but none were chattering, save for a man who burped right towards the end of my session. And because I was out in the open, for all to see, I figured that some were looking at me while passing and wondering what I was doing, while others were perhaps not at all curious. As distracting as those iterations on human reaction could have been, they were a minor aside, small notes considering what I was actually thinking. The meditation thoughts were more worthy, rising to the top while the other portions sank down. I was proud to have been influenced so little by the thoughts of them, more interested by the thoughts of them inside me. It was a self-back-patting moment, the non-barrier to meditative entry always a graceful and satisfying moment.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< written today

I have been reading much of Henry Miller’s Tropic Of Capricorn, and quite pleased to say that after putting it down for months I am now nearing the end of it (note: my copy does not nearly look this awesome). This book was purchased by he, one named The Unmentionable Other, back in January 2011, and it was gifted to me by Rose when she headed off to the East Coast. He had left it at her house, and she knew not who better to give it to than me. But of course, the book’s existence was of eerie timing, similar to how Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea had been, and I can’t help but think that the silly Unmentionable has some sort of magical ability, akin to what I have developed, to manifest wishes desired into reality. But the difference seems to be that he wishes to manifest tragedy, imposed tragedy, inexplicable tragedy, where I desire for more peaceful, soulful, constructive things. I suppose our romance never would have worked. I suppose the place we are now is the perfect place – and I do not doubt this, have not doubted this, but it is always popping again as the type of reminder that might never die or dispose of itself, that pigeon-pecks seeds of reality. But more fitting, though, is that one sir Mr. Henry Miller writes like me, or more I write like him, though if you take the logic that he subscribes to of there being no time but only present – we both write like each other, quite mutually. But not always. The writing is mutual when I am feeling poetic and down in the dumps, when my internal monologue is strong and rambling and stream-of-consciousness rather than analytical and exacting. The writing is mutual when my roots are, as Miller says, rooted in the ground rather than in the brain – when the brain is in the heart rather than in the head. Of course, unlike Miller, I think I find value in both, whereas he seems to find value only in the one, in the heart-in-brain…

I am here, right now, in Albina Press in South Portland. I am playing catch-up on yesterday’s activities, as they are more of note than today’s. Yesterday, I was in Seattle, and after my morning meditation which I previously described, I happened by the set of lecture halls I previously had known so well – the ones which seated hundreds of people for General Ed courses, the ones which I fell asleep in innumerous times…

I passed by at 10:15am or so, and classes were just letting out. It had crossed my mind many times to visit one of these halls again, to barge in on a random class and let fate decide what I would learn that day as though I were some Freshman or Sophomore once again. But every time I return to Seattle, I never follow through with this plan because to actually plan the plan takes away from the magic of the plan. This particular morning, however, was ripe for my education! In I walked, decision made in a matter of seconds – straight into Kane 130, site of where I failed the hardest in college (Linguistics, Dinosaurs 101… I’m serious…)

I sat down, the same college awkwardness I had once known so well once again rearing its ugly head. Am I sitting in the right place? What if I’ve taken someone’s seat? What if I end up making conversation with a college student? Wait, what the hell! I’m almost 30! Shouldn’t I be over this shit?!!! But it seems not, as in this case, I am worried I might somehow be caught and that my imposter, education-gold-digging ways might be discovered, leading to ostracization – or probably not ostracization because I don’t think anyone would have that extreme an opinion – but misunderstanding, yes. Definitely misunderstanding.

To my chagrin, the class was a Communications class. I suppose in some way a Communications class should be something I’m interested in, considering I run a music and arts publication… but by god, there’s a reason I didn’t do Communications in Undergrad; it’s just not interesting to me in the same way that Sociology was! It’s similar to the lack of magic in planning on going to a random lecture class versus the magic of stumbling into one on a whim; deconstructing Communications not my jam. Making communications more my jam. And anyway, the concept we were initially presented with in this lecture – media bias and objectivity – were ones I learned about in high school Journalism class ad nauseum. Not to say that the information wasn’t valuable, but I was seriously hoping for some information about Linguistics or Dinosaurs (maybe to make up for my previous failures) or at least something I’m a little less knowledgeable in. C’est la vie, though, and the class was interesting in very particular ways, as it was a meta-commentary upon itself (which I will get into in a little bit here).

Some things have changed since I went to school at UW. For starters, laptops are now allowed, though only in the last five rows in this particular class! I suppose this comes as no surprise, but they were never commonplace when I went to University. But I just remember someone telling me recently that students don’t write real words anymore in class, and this is clearly a lie, I’ve now discovered through first-hand knowledge (though perhaps with younger generations this is indeed true).

At one point, the teacher, Randy Beam, put up one PowerPoint slide that asked the students whether M.I.A.’s flipping off people during the Super Bowl (see below) would “fall under the FCC’s definition of indecent content?” along with a multiple choice poll where 1 meant “Probably” and 2 meant “Probably Not”. All the students immediately reached into their backpack – a point of great confusion – and retrieved teeny tiny remote controls with which they punched in their answers! What! My mind was blown! What is this madness! Technology! Interaction! Teachers who actually employ participatory tactics in a class with hundreds of people and succeed?! This is remarkable!

In fact, the teacher did much back-and-forth with the large class, and students were surprisingly responsive. No question was met with complete silence, though I will say that most opinionated students were actually rather lacking in backbone. At one point, a series of cases were presented, and students were asked to decide whether they considered the cases to be news or not news. There were some quibbles amongst the class, wherein some considered The Daily Show news and some did not; some considered an opinion piece about supermarket purchases news, and some did not. A discussion ensued. Beam asked students how they arrived at the decisions that they did, and it was altogether too easy to back those students into corners! Come on, kids! If the professor saying something like, “Why isn’t [The Daily Show] news to you? Isn’t it from the World News Headquarters in New York?” – a clear joke – is enough to notably rattle your foundations, you’ve really got to think through your answers a little more! He in fact played Devil’s Advocate a lot, and almost every time the students gave up their original opinions and some even became confused about what their original opinions were. But I suppose they are still youth and the growth of backbone and well-thought-out opinions will come in time. Or not…!

My favorite response came from the individual who decided that celebrity gossip news (about the custody battle over Anna Nicole’s baby boy – or whatever, who cares) is news, despite the fact that it may not be particularly interesting to everyone. He said, “Just because news is esoteric doesn’t mean it’s not news. Some people wouldn’t consider sports news news.” This was perhaps the most profound and well-thought-out argument in the class. Kudos!

Though I left half-way through the lecture, during the conveniently-timed break (I really needed to leave then, and it would have been awkward if I had to leave mid-lecture!), the teacher hinted at what he would go on to discuss in the second half: how certain stories are picked over others, and why.

“It’s kind of chance [and idiosyncratic] what gets to be news,” he said, “because there is no standard definition of what is news and what is not.”

But the point of mega-meta-hilarity came from Beam’s earlier question. “Why isn’t anyone going to cover Com 201, unless I am doing something illegal?” he’d asked.

Exploding silent giggles to self! I was planning to cover Com 201 the whole time! And he wasn’t doing something illegal! But is this news? What is news? Is a blog post news? Is this too esoteric to be news? Is my opinion news? God, I don’t know anymore! I am reporting facts but my opinion is all over this thing! But isn’t that all news? Isn’t that the Daily Show? Isn’t that NBC and Fox News? Help me, Mr. Beam! What is news!!!!!!!!!?

EDIT >>>

Of course, I wrote the professor. His response: “This is a hoot — the irony of you “covering” a class about news when I was suggesting no one would ever consider it news. I just gotta talk about this tomorrow. Thanks for sending, Vivian. –RB”

These things are fun.

{003} vow of silence – but first and foremost, life is fuuuuuuuucked.

i most certainly have some dreams these days that make me wake up and decide i HAVE to write them down, regardless of how much i don’t want to or how particularly annoying they are.

this is the second time this has happened in the past two months (the last being in december, when i discovered the shamanic mysteries of egypt book). this time, instead of two dreams — one about alchemy and one about egypt — it is one dream, very vivid, about magnetism and magic. i would like to make it clear that i have NEVER dreamed about magic, and i don’t think i’ve ever dreamed about magnetism, either. here is the dream below, and none of the dream interpretations of any of the symbols made a single lick of sense:

In a giant room. There are magical performances going on and the last girl is “up.” I am with Troy. The room is cluttered full of items. Her performance INSANELY, with some announcement (or maybe even psychic message or maybe literal message over loudspeaker) that says that this lady’s dance is to combat male-ness – or something along those lines, anyway. It begins with her at the center, pop-and-locking, while a bunch of dudes try and fight her. She is wearing a crop top and baggy pants, like Aaliyah with bad early ‘90s fashion. There is a slow-motion dance move she is doing, and it looks like there is an invisible sphere around her that the enemies cannot penetrate, though I think that’s just an illusion initially. Soon, though, the magic seems to become real and all these crazy objects and happenings begin to happen, and Troy and I are sitting facing it “head-on,” as though she were on a stage in front of us and we are exactly centered in the back of the room watching her… and we begin to wonder aloud how these things are happening and I begin wondering internally if it is only because of our perspective that this magic looks like magic or if it is actually magic. We also wonder if she is making the performance happen. it looks like a three-dimensional animation or rendering or something, not real life; all of the components look rather polished. At this point, many items are magnetized on the ground, and they all begin moving around in a path that she determines – a really complicated path, where every item has their own individual arc and story, like God commanding the lives of each person. At one point, I am on the far side of the room (well actually, I’ve moved diagonally, towards the “front right corner”) and I am near these balloons that she is guiding around on her “magnetic track.” The fascinating thing is that though these objects have a controlled route that they are set on – which magical lady determines – they are also free to be controlled by the other people in the room (again, like God). I find myself drawn to the white balloons, though there are many objects in the room. I hit over and over again one balloon in particular, but find that it always goes back to where it wanted to be and I find this so amusing I giggle. I also hit around a really small white pebble as I’m moving from the front right of the stage to the center middle, where the performer is. But soon, she crumples, and Taraka from Prince Rama emerges from I don’t know where, with really tender energy, and goes to see if she is alright. She is not responsive, and Taraka (or someone) is told to call the performer’s mother. And slowly, everything in the room becomes less magnetized, and it dawns on me that she WAS really controlling everything…

the book it led me to is this book (the book was seriously calling to me). published in 1801, it is a work by francis barrett, called the magus: a complete system of occult philosophy. (the left-most book cover, though i like the other ones much better. but i guess this one did its deed just fine…)

“The Magus is one of the primary sources for the study of ceremonial magic, and for a long time was one of the rarest and most sought after of the 19th century grimoires. Barretts’ magnum opus embodies deep knowledge of Alchemy, Astrology, and the Kabbalah, and has been cited by the Golden Dawn and other occult and esoteric movements as source material. Written in 1801 in the middle of the ‘Age of Reason’, sandwiched between Newton and Darwin, this was possibly the last epoch that a work like this could be composed.” (Quote from sacred-texts.com)

what is most fucked up about finding this book, though, is that i flipped seriously right up to a chapter on magnetism, and was flipped so fast that i closed the book and had to open it again and again flipped right to that page. but not only a chapter, but fuck, man, a sub-section — the eighth one, in magnetism — that started off in its introductory paragraph about dreams and magic. dude. like what???!! and it was very, very adamant that the magicianess was a magicianess — a female…

here are some sample excerpts… the text is hard to read as fuck, both in font and just in content…

CHAP. VIII.
OF THE MAGICAL POWER, &c.

“Therefore the knowledge and power magical, and that faculty in man which acteth only per nutum (and also) sleeps since the knowledge of the apple was eaten and as long as this knowledge (which is of the flesh and blood, gross and material, belonging to the external man and darkness) flourishes, the more noble magical power is lying dormant.

But because to sleep this outward or sensual knowledge is sometimes dormant, hence it is that our dreams are sometimes prophetical, and God himself is therefore nearer unto man in dreams, through that effect, viz. when the more inward magic of the soul being uninterrupted by the flesh, diffuses itself on every side into the understanding; even as when it sinks itself into the inferior powers thereof it safely leads those who walk in their sleep by moving or conducting them, whither those that were awake could not surmount or climb.

Therefore we establish this point, viz. that there is inherent in the soul a certain magical virtue given to her by God, naturally proper and belonging to her, in asmuch as we are his image and engravement; and in this respect she acts also in a peculiar manner, i.e. spiritually on an object at a distance, and that more powerfully than by any corporeal assistance; for seeing the soul is the principal part of the body, therefore all action belonging to her is spiritual, magical, and of the greatest validity…

High and sacred is the force of the microcosmical spirit, which, as is evident in pregnant women, stamps upon the young the image and properties of a thing desired, as we have before instanced in a cherry, which, without the trunk of a tree, brings forth a true cherry, that is flesh and blood, enobled with the properties and power of the more inward or real cherry, by the conception of the imagination alone; from whence are two necessary consequences.

First, that all the spirits, and as it were the essences of all things, lie hid in us, and are born and brought forth only by the working, power, and phantasy of the microcosm.

The second is, that the soul, in conceiving, generates a certain idea of the thing conceived; the which, as it before lay hid unknown, like fire in a flint, so by the stirring up of the phantasy there is produced a certain real idea, which is not a naked quality, but something like a substance, hanging in suspence between a body and a spirit, that is the soul.

That middle being is so spiritual, that it is not plainly exempted from a corporeal condition, since the actions of the soul are limited on the body, and the inferior orders of faculties depending upon it, yet so corporeal that it may be inclosed by dimensions, the which we have also related to be only proper to a feminal being. This ideal entity, therefore, when it falls out of the invisible and intellectual world of the microcosm, it puts on a body, and then it is first enclosed by the limitation of place and numbers.

The object of the understanding is in itself a naked and pure essence, not an accident, by the consent of practical, that is, mystical divines; therefore this Proteus or transferable essence, the understanding doth, as it were, put on and clothe itself, with this conceived essence.

But because every body, whether external or internal, hath its making in its own proper image, the understanding knows and discerns not, the will loves and wills not, the memory recollects not, but by images or likenesses: the understanding therefore puts on this same image of its object; and because the soul is the pure simple form of the body, which turns itself about to ever member, therefore the acting understanding cannot have two images at once, but first one and then the other. He, who is wholly the life, created all things and hath said, nothing is to be expected as dead out of his hand. Likewise nothing can come to our view wherein himself is not clearly apparent or present; for it is said, “the spirit of the Lord hath filled the whole globe of the earth:” and, again, “that he containeth or comprehendeth all things,” therefore there is nothing in being, no creature but what possesses a certain degree of divine fire and life, yet lying dormant or unexcited, til stirred up by the art, power, and operation of man.

—

CHAP. IX
OF THE EXCITING OR STIRRING UP THE MAGICAL VIRTUE.

Every magical virtue therefore stands in need of an excitement, by which a certain spiritual vapour is stirred up, by reason whereof the phantasy which profoundly sleeps is awakened, and there begins an action of the corporeal spirit, as a medium, which is that of Magnetism, and is excited by a foregoing touch.

There is a magical virtue, being as it were abstracted from the body, which is wrought by the stirring up of the power of the soul, from whence there are made most potent procreations, and most famous impressions, and strong effects, so that nature is on every side a magicianness, and acts by her own phantasy; and by how much the more spiritual her phantasy is, so much the more powerful it is, therefore the denomination of magic is truly proportional or concordant…

But the magical virtue of the exhales spiritual vapour, or subtil spirits sent from the body, which before lay in potentia, or by way of possibility only, is either excited by a more strong imagination, the magician making use of the blood as a medium, and establishing his kindled entity thereon, or by the ascending phantasy of the weapon salve, the exciteress of the property lying in the blood; else by a foregoing appointment or disposition of the blood unto corruption, viz. whereby the elements are disposed unto a separation, and the effences (which cannot putrify) and the effential phantasies, which lay hid in the properties come forth into action.

There is therefore a certain formal property separated from sympathetical and abtruse qualities; because the motive phantasy of these qualities do not directly fly unto a local motion, but only to an alterative motion of the object. Now it is sufficient that (if a man happens to receive many wounds on his body) blood be had only from one of these wounds, and from this one the rest are cured also, because that blood keeps a concordant harmony with the spirit of the whole, and draws forth from the fame the offensive quality communicated, not only to the lips of the wound, but to the whole man, for from one wound only the whole man is liable to grow feverish.

Therefore the outchased blood being received on the weapon is introduced into the magnetic unguent.

For the phantasy of the blood, being otherwise as yet drowsy and slow to action, being stirred up by the virtue of the magnetic unguent, and there finding the balfamic virtue of it, desires the quality induced into it, to be bestowed on itself throughout, and from thence by a spiritual magnetism to draw out all the strange tincture of the wound, which, seeing it cannot fitly enough effect by itself, it implores the aid of the moss, blood, fat and mummy, which are conjoined together into such a balsam, which not but by its own phantasy becomes also medicinal, magnetical, and is also a tractor of all the strange qualities out of the body, whole fresh blood, abounding with spirit, is carried unto it, whether it shall be that of a man or any other living creature. The phantasy therefore is a returner, or reducible andecstatical, from part of the blood that is fresh and newly brought unto the unguent; but the magnetic attraction began in the blood is perfected by the medicinal virtue of the unguent; not that the unguent draws the infirmity of the wound unto itself, but it alters the blood newly brought unto it, in its spirit, and makes it medicinal, and stirs up the power thereof: from thence it contracts a certain medicinal virtue, which returns upon its whole body to correct the spirit of the blood throughout the whole man. Now, to manifest a great mystery, viz. to shew that in man there is placed a great efficacy whereby he may be able only by his beck, (as we before mentioned) nod or phantasy, to act out of himself, or to imprint a virtue, a certain influence which afterwards perseveres, or constantly subsists by itself, and acts upon objects at a very great distance; by which only mystery, those things which we have spoken (relative to ideal entity conveyed in a spiritual jewel, and departing far from home to execute its offices, concerning the magnetism of all things begotten in the imagination of man, as in that which is proper to every thing, and also concerning the magical superiority of men over all other bodies,) will plainly and conspicuously appear.

—

CHAP. X.
OF THE MAGICAL VIRTUE OF THE SOUL, AND THE MEDIUM BY WHICH IT ACTS.

… man hath a power of acting, per nutum, or by his nod, or of moving any object remotely placed; it has also been sufficiently confirmed by the fame natural example, that this efficacy was also given unto men by God.

As every magical faculty lies dormant, and has need of excitement, or stirring up; which is always true, if the object whereon it is to act is not nearly disposed, if its internal phantasy doth not wholly confirm to the impression of the agent, or also if the patient be equal in stregth, or superior to the agent therein.

But on the contrary, where the object is plainly and nearly disposed, as steel is, for the receiving of magnetism, then the patient without much stirring up, the alone phantasy of the more outward man being drawn out to the work and bound up to any suitable mean, yields to the magnetism.

Therefore we repeat, the magician must always make use of a medium; for then the words or forms of sacraments do always operate, because from the work performed. But the reason why exorcisms, conjurations, charms, incantations, &c. do sometimes fail of their desired effect, is because the unexcited mind, or spirit of the exorcist, renders the words dull or ineffectual.

Therefore no man can be a happy or successful magician, but him who knows how to stir up the magical virtue of his soul, or can do it practically without science.

And there can be no nearer medium of magnetism, than human blood with human blood.

And no sympathetic remedies, magnetical or attractive, but from the idea or phantasy of the operator impressing upon it a virtue and efficacy from the excited power of his own soul.

And now to bring our Magnetic Treatise to a total conclusion, we have to say, that whoever, through ignorance or obstinacy, will say there is no validity or reason, or reality in the science of magnetism, proves himself unworthy the sacred name of philosopher, because he condemns what he knows nothing at all about.

For those who will give themselves the leisure to examine the truth of those things which we have taught, will not find their expectation deceived, therefore, will not condemn…

We therefore, who have the like humanity, contain blood and spirit of a co-like unity; and the action of the blood is merely spiritual. Therefore, in Genesis, it is not called by the etymology of blood, but is made remarkable by the name of a red spirit.

Therefore, let those who would attain knowledge in these things, and be perfect in what we have set before them, constantly meditate and desire that the First Cause and Archetype of all thing would graciously and mercifully illuminate their minds; without which, they grope in darkness and uncertainty, and are subject to the delusions of impure spirits and devils, who are only to be put to flight by putting on the whole armour of God, in whom we all live, move, breathe, and have our being.

END OF MAGNETISM.

anyway, now sitting in powell’s. what else happened today! i planned out my fucked up schedule for the upcoming months. going to be in seattle for the 5th through the 7th (going to break my vow of silence on the 5th, unfortunately), have a business meeting on the 6th (wherein a really amazing opportunity, potentially, presented itself, and we’ll see where that goes), give a speech about redefine on the 26th for research club, spend the rest of the following week in seattle, then leave for sxsw tour on the evening of march 5th. it is all going to be a whirlwind! and i plan to spend the last week and a half of march in california, so i can attend to business, and things, and such.

we will see what happens with the rest. what else happened today…………………… flaked on watching a movie — a really awesome 3d dance movie — that i had wanted to watch and ended up in powell’s instead. this madness turned out to be positive…

ran into darcy on the way. she is from the building i used to volunteer at. she was super excited to see me and was lining up at a church nearby to get a free dinner meal. she called me down and said hi, but i felt bad because i was vow of silencing and unable to talk to her. i typed her a message on my phone to tell her i was doing a vow of silence, and she was like, oh, okay, and said bye, and was smiley, but i don’t know that she understood it wholly. hopefully she was not bummed. it was nice to see her, though… i don’t usually come downtown too often, but pretty much almost every time i come downtown i see her. it’s actually quite incredible. and in different places, too.

not sure what else there is to say. nothing comes to mind. until tomorrow.

oh real quick…
number of times i’ve fucked up today: 3?
number of times i fucked up yesterday: 3?

certainly better than the previous 12.

{002} vow of silence: shamanic mysteries of egypt begins.

jesus christ. i’m kind of a bit shaken up still. so i got the shamanic mysteries of egypt book, as i had previously mentioned, and now i feel like i left a part of myself somewhere. i don’t even know how to describe it. so, the first one is barely a visionary thing, as it is only an introduction. in it, one is given a really basic heart meditation to do, where you breathe in from the ground to your heart, then breathe in from the sky to your heart, then both at the same time…………………………………. anyway, that’s the beginning, and then the initial invocation involves you picturing yourself stepping over a cliff, and you turn into a dove flying above egypt, and meet — in passing — anubis and isis, who just tell you that you’re about to start your mission, basically. all that was fine. it was a little weird listening to my own voice, and my reading was a bit rushed, so it took me a second to get into it all. but then by the end, i had basically stopped listening to the shit i had recorded myself saying and then got into this trance where i was lord knows fuck where, but i went there REALLY all of a sudden, like teleportation (though in my head) and legitimately had a hard time getting “back” which really kind of freaked me out. i was wearing an all lights out blindfold that i had used and the “hard time getting back” was so freaky to me that i actually opened my eyes uncontrollably, only it didn’t make a difference because with the lights on blindfold it was still the same shade (that is, no shade). towards the end of it, when i was trying to get back, was the only time i really saw anything i didn’t expect to see. up until that point, i was being nice and easily guided, and suddenly, i found myself with a pretty still image of what i expected / knew to be osiris (though when i finished checking it after i came back to reality, i thought for a second it might be ptah, but i do think now it is definitely osiris, both in terms of his looks and because i remember thinking to myself right away that it was osiris). and then another person, who was more difficult to track down, but which i have narrowed to be — possibly — nefertari, though it could be isis (osiris’ wife), though pictures don’t seem to match isis.

Osiris, similar to how I saw him, though I had thought he was: a) blue; b) facing the other direction.

The lady — the more powerful presence — looked quite similar to these pictures of Nefertari. The sleeves, in particular, seem to be of note, as she seems to be the only Queen and only Goddess with an outfit like that, and I very distinctly remember it being “square” similar to this. But I don’t know what the significance is… she isn’t a god, but a Queen of Ramesses II.

Quick summary of Osiris, which is partially what serves to confuse me more… taken from Wikipedia…

Osiris ( /oʊˈsaɪərɨs/; Ancient Greek: Ὄσιρις, also Usiris; the Egyptian language name is variously transliterated Asar, Asari, Aser, Ausar, Ausir, Wesir, Usir, Usire or Ausare) is an Egyptian god, usually identified as the god of the afterlife, the underworld and the dead. He is classically depicted as a green-skinned man with a pharaoh’s beard, partially mummy-wrapped at the legs, wearing a distinctive crown with two large ostrich feathers at either side, and holding a symbolic crook and flail.
Osiris is at times considered the oldest son of the Earth god Geb,[1] and the sky goddess Nut, as well as being brother and husband of Isis, with Horus being considered his posthumously begotten son.[1] He is also associated with the epithet Khenti-Amentiu, which means “Foremost of the Westerners” — a reference to his kingship in the land of the dead.[2] As ruler of the dead, Osiris is also sometimes called “king of the living”, since the Ancient Egyptians considered the blessed dead “the living ones”.[3]
Osiris is first attested in the middle of the Fifth dynasty of Egypt, although it is likely that he is worshipped much earlier;[4] the term Khenti-Amentiu dates to at least the first dynasty, also as a pharaonic title. Most information we have on the myths of Osiris is derived from allusions contained in the Pyramid Texts at the end of the Fifth Dynasty, later New Kingdom source documents such as the Shabaka Stone and the Contending of Horus and Seth, and, much later, in narrative style from the writings of Greek authors including Plutarch[5] and Diodorus Siculus.[6]
Osiris is not only a merciful judge of the dead in the afterlife, but also the underworld agency that granted all life, including sprouting vegetation and the fertile flooding of the Nile River. He is described as the “Lord of love”,[7] “He Who is Permanently Benign and Youthful”[8] and the “Lord of Silence”.[9] The Kings of Egypt were associated with Osiris in death — as Osiris rose from the dead they would, in union with him, inherit eternal life through a process of imitative magic. By the New Kingdom all people, not just pharaohs, were believed to be associated with Osiris at death if they incurred the costs of the assimilation rituals.[10]
Through the hope of new life after death Osiris began to be associated with the cycles observed in nature, in particular vegetation and the annual flooding of the Nile, through his links with Orion and Sirius at the start of the new year.[8] Osiris was widely worshiped as Lord of the Dead until the suppression of the Egyptian religion during the Christian era.[11][12]

fuck, i am so confused. anyway, this is day two of my vow of silence. it’s 6:00pm and i’m listening to sechskies. i have messed up twice today, one time of which was when i said, “what the fuck” after doing my egypt meditation. the other time was when i woke up this morning and, i think, also said, “what the fuck” because my neck was killing me for the second day in a row and that shit usually never happens. glad to say i haven’t fucked up since, though, even considering i went out for quite a row. i got slightly confused earlier and thought that i had lost my cellphone at stumptown (had to write them a little note to ask, and also had a funny interaction with an old man who was sitting at the table i had been sitting at and thought i was looking for a wall outlet and pointed me in the other direction, but i couldn’t properly charade to him what i was doing so it was just a lot of funny gestures between the two of us and him probably thinking i was a dummy). but the phone wasn’t there, as it was wrapped up in my blankets at home, so whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was thinking it was quite funny that i would lose my main source of communication while i was not speaking. it would have actually been kinda a fun experiment (fun/frustrating, i’m sure).

when troy and i first got to stumptown this morning, i had wanted to buy a flourless cookie (they are soooooo good at stumptown) and had pointed at it for troy to order it, and he was just like, “i was thinking of getting this,” and pointed to some other pastry, and very much not on purpose i let out this crazy squeal and the barista at stumptown definitely gave me the weirdest look and only half-addressed me for the rest of the conversation. ha. it was… interesting.

i was also saying this morning that danny was telling us yesterday that william burroughs or someone did a vow of silence for a year, and then when he started speaking again, just rattled off one super profound poem. i told troy that because there was so much going on in my head that i couldn’t say — i write stuff down sometimes, but when you’re on a walk, or with other people, writing takes too long and is ignored and inappropriate — that i bet when i talk again i’ll have some shit to say. i dunno. maybe. it’s funny because i have to give a speech a week after i stop being silent about redefine, and the future of it, and such. but yeah, after i had “said” this william burroughs thing to troy, he had just gotten to a part in thus spoke zarathustra where zarathustra had come out of a 7-day coma or something and was massively enlightened by the end of it. a funny coincidence, considering he probably read less than a dozen pages while i was sitting next to him (and also, this page occurred within ten minutes of my mentioning the william burroughs thing).

but yeah, other than that, just went grocery shopping today and shit, and no one was really any the wiser. i will report more about the rest of the day if there is anything to report… for dinner, i’m making this cambodian fried rice noodles with pickled carrot and daikon!! STOKED!!! also already made this chipotle salsa which was ooookay. tomorrow i’m going to try making some chipotle peanut butter cookies (or brownies?), vegan basil pesto, and chipotle banana bread. chipotle’s the ingredient of the moment; it can’t be helped…

wait, real funnily: osiris is the lord of love… and the lord of silence. haha!!