i am at the wall st. protests.

I am at the Wall St. protests. I am very steadfast and confident in the importance of what I am trying to do; however, because of the lack of people who seem motivated or inspired by defining actual tangible goals and pursuing solutions, it’s discouraging. It is so very discouraging. Whatever is the point? Earlier today I wrote up what I guess you could call a manifesto — of what I believe and the change I want to make, the role I want to play. Well, crud. I don’t know what shape that will take on necessarily, though I am trying to pass it on. There is one girl, Earth, who seemed very muh in favor and aligned with my interests — but other than that, everyone seems to think it is a good idea but not to the point where they are willing to take it up for themselves. I am less than stoked by this. How is it in a park of thousands of people, and different ones everyday, the majority of people are only inspired enough to make meaningless signs and spout rhetoric? Who are the people who actually want to make change? are they really so lacking in ability that no one realizes that organizations need to become involved with one another, that people’s skills and talents need to be directed to places outside of the confines of this park? It is entirely annoying, and as “frustrating” as capitalism can be, making signs about how rich people suck is — first of all, short-sighted and ignorant; second of all, just absolutely useless. What is a sign like the one that just passed by — “END THE FED” — going to do? Why is absolutely nobody interested in actually working to actively do anything? I hope Giovanni and Michael and co. take it over. I really hope that they do… and that because they are a group of individuals, that they will be able to find the flaws where I could not, and actually direct this flow of energy into a place that gets things done, that creates answers and solutions for goals that everyone can agree upon rather than those that people can only individually spout off about. FUCK.

not gonna lie…

parents were just here, visiting me, in portland, for a few days.

what can i say… the first couple days were fine, even pleasant, even, though it has to be taken into consideration that it was mostly pleasant because of what it wasn’t — that it was pleasant because i had expected worse and gotten dished out less than “worse.” but hey, standards are standards, although they may not be extremely high. so there’s that.

this particular evening, we went to shandong in portland. first time going to that restaurant, and i must say that i was quite very stoked that there is! indeed! close-in! portland! good! chinese! food! shandong was half americanized, but in a really good way… it was authentic although it catered very much to americans. so i am into it. the dan dan mian (which i will now make in the future nearest) was of particular note, and they have a really good koreanized jja jjang myun… so i’m into that, too. i will definitely be going back, oh yessss. so excited. funny that it is down the street from the ambassador — this really funny chinese food / karaoke place that troy and i went to on our first date. dare i say the ambassador even had a better chinese eggplant dish than shandong, and i’d say the ma po tofu, too? i dare. funny fun fun funs.

anyway. when the parents came, we did some hefty driving, first to silver falls state park — apparently in the amazingly named city called sublimity. that place has like this trail that is 8.5 miles long and goes through 10 waterfalls. the north falls were AMAZING because they fall from pretty high and then have a seating area behind them that is carved into the rock and is basically a circular section looking out onto the opening of the rest of the park. hard to explain — will have to snag a photograph from the mother who actually took photographs — but yeah.

yesterday, we went to astoria (pretty pointless, i must admit) and then to seaside, which looks totally different in the summer! last time i went there was in the winter, or fall or something, with sherry and tinwin. i don’t feel like half the shit that was open this time was open then. i bought a shit ton of salt water taffy. some that was super cheap and some that was more expensive… i must say… more expensive salt water taffy is WAY better than cheaper salt water taffy. the chocolate peanut butter ones i got (more expensive) had real peanut butter and just generally hella ruled. the other kind all kind of tasted artificial, and very little like what flavor it was supposed to, no matter what flavor you got…

the rents met troy and really, really liked him. and generally, they gave everyone a good impression when in a public setting. i feel bad in some ways, because hanging out with them too much makes me turn into this ugly, ugly person that i am usually never like around anyone else; it is just that they are so, so, so suffocating, and negative… and there’s so much a reason that i broke away and live on my own and will never go back. i mean… it’s nice to see them occasionally, but rather horrible to feel like i am constantly being judged and micro-managed. i felt bad in some ways that troy would ask me how my day was — when the rents were here — and i could kind of only answer in the negative because it was a negative… because whereas usually i can make shit roll right off my back, in the case of my immediate family, it is truly, truly something else. i just can’t let shit slide in that way. it’s just not possible… everything is just such, such a far cry from who i am. i am the opposite of planning out every second of my day, of worrying about every little thing… and though i care about those things sometimes more than my friends, the degree to which i’ve scaled it down from my origins is like… almost insurmountable.

but anyway. originally my dad had really not wanted to go to dinner because he thought he’d have to pay for everyone, but he ended up footing the bill, though i have to say that literally the reasoning he gave me was (said in chinese): “it looks better this way.” and yes, it did, but… yeah. i mean… i pick up the details that may get lost in translation but i suppose in every family and with every set of facades, only those who were really in it know the truth? and there are a lot of things i could say but suppress. today, i found myself taking deep breaths a couple of times to get a double-take and to not say things that were biting and unnecessary… but those deep breaths and second thoughts only accounted for like, 2% of the things i probably did end up saying, or the bad attitude that i gave off when i shouldn’t have… i don’t know, man. i don’t know. it’s something i have to work on… because yes, they are in the wrong, but i could act better, too… i could take the attitudes that i take in other aspects of life… of going with the flow… of letting things go… and apply it to these difficult familial situations, as well. i’m learning…

i haven’t updated in a while, so this is a complete brain dump.

my parents met troy a couple nights ago and were quite stoked on him. (we went to blossoming lotus, and i was rather surprised that they kinda liked it… but i was glad to give them the new experience because it was their first time eating at a place with food that said GF — gluten-free, R — raw, and … something else i forget… dad said it made him poop well… dad loves to comment on toilets and bathroom facilities… seriously…) anyhoot. troy seems like the type who would probably please any parent. but seriously, they had nothing but nice things to say about him, which is good. dad even went as far as saying he was pretty good-looking, haha. it’s funny, though, because dad barely said anything to him — but, as troy was pointing out today, of the three things dad DID say to him, one involved inviting him to taiwan in november. which is pretty hilarious. like. dude. we’ve been dating for a month! luckily, i can say these things to troy, and dad can say shit to him (like tonight at dinner: “take care of my daughter!”) amongst a table full of 7 other friends (robby, rachel, shawn, andrew, christopher, rose, gina)… and troy won’t get frightened away. haha. i guess that’s good. the other night at blossoming lotus troy thanked dad for paying for dinner, and he said, “it’s family!” and in a lot of circumstances it would be truly head-in-the-hands “fuuuuuuuuuuuck” — and in this case it was subtle and he barely heard it, but “take care of my daughter!” today was definitely met with a head-in-the-hands reaction on my part and a lot of laughter on everyone else’s part. luckily, it was funny enough that it wasn’t uhhhh hugely awkward. it’s just funny because money is such a “thing” with the rents, and such not a thing for me… they said multiple times, “troy seems nice!” to which i would respond, “he’s the best!” and mom would respond with something like, “the best should still need to know how to earn money!” once, dad said, “i hope he makes enough money to take care of the both of you!” or that “he knows how to plan for your future!” and… firstly, it’s like, dude… we have been dating for a month… secondly, it’s like… dude, we split payment on a lot of things, and i do that with all guys i date… and thirdly, it’s like… dude… we’ve been dating for a month. haha. even if it feels like longer than that…

a couple days ago troy and i went and had a picnic at colonel summers, and i started telling him about a dream i had about george clooney. when i initially told gina this dream, she said, “troy is kind of a george clooney,” and it was only until i started telling him this dream that i began to realize that fuck, the dream kind of was about him, or something. what happened in the dream was that the police were looking for george clooney in this city with super narrow streets and high walls (kind of like siena in italy, or something). they looked for a really long time and could not find him. finally, i think they stop looking, and i run into him. i jump up and hug onto him, like a koala bear, and am bawling FURIOUSLY. i have never cried like this in a dream or in real life. soon thereafter, he lets me down or something, and says, “but i am going to see you in a couple days!” and i instantly start laughing. end of dream. this was when troy was on tour… totally was about him… and i don’t know why i didn’t realize it until that moment when i was retelling it to him. sooooooooooo weird. sooooooooooooooooooo weird.

life is funny, anyway. shit just pops out and punches you in the face and you’re just like… whaaaaaaaaaaaat. there have been no use of words like the “L” word — whatever — but there certainly has this feeling of just this thing being the realest, easiest thing i’ve ever had. it’s pretty fucking crazy. i am really, really happy.

in the work world, too — life is good and easy. i pretty much have not had to look for graphic design projects in a really long time, and everything is just… easy… and it’s good… 2011 is the most magical of years. and i’m just trying to figure out the best way to round the rest of it out. for starters, beginning in mid-september, i will be embarking on a cross-country road trip with rose, who is moving out to new york. it will be something else, i am sure. until then… i have a little more than a month (man, time is flying, again) to do a million things… psychedelic things… helsing junction farm sleepover things… camping under the stars things… loving life things… eating food things… soaking in everything wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful things…

i’m ready.

OH DUH. it is to be noted that last saturday, rose, gina, robby, andrew, and i went camping and found an amazing, amazing, amazing situation for ourselves. these are robby’s photographs from his iphone. see below. OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

basically, gina / niko’s friend bobby had a space out in southern washington that he shares with this hippie retreat place… they have a bunch of land friends can camp on. we had a bonfire and basically slept under the stars — no tent — and then went hiking the next day. gina destroyed her really awesome sneakers hiking in the river. ah man. it was good times… there were a lot of s’mores eaten. probably too many s’mores. but it happens…

campground area:

but yeah. we found a really amazing swimming hole with a waterfall. below are pictures from it. pretty much there was life before the waterfall and life after the waterfall… haha.

robby tried to dive into the river with us but then froze to death (0 body fat) and then had to get out. as for andrew and i, we went close to the waterfall and it was seriously 2x closer there. like, it was cold when we got in, but when you got near the waterfall it was some serious shit. afterwards, the four of us were so cold we were seriously retarded. for starters, we could only — in andrew’s terms — “shrimp” to the shore… as in — we were walking upright when we went into the water but crawling on all fours when we got out. it was also like a three mile hike into the waterfall area, through rivers, and while it was slightly challenging and uncomfortable on the way there, on the way back we were seriously being so retarded… practically falling off logs… i felt like i was way closer to nature because of the poor decision-making skills i’d newly possessed: rather than going over a set of fallen branches, for example, i would crawl in between them and find my face now inches from ferns i would have otherwise simply risen above… it was strange, profoundly strange, deliriously delightfully naturally strange. high, high, high!!!!

delusions.

“vivimos en los cielos, en las fantasías, donde nada puede tocarnos.”

lo creí. con todo mi corazón. la verdad es que nadie puede tocarnos… solamente tú… y éste fue el problema, y donde el engaño esta viviendo.

___

i am bouncing back and forth between absolute clarity — in the form of forgiveness and understanding — and loathing — targeted outwardly and inwardly. it is unbearable. it is on like, a three-hour cycle. i hardly feel like a human being, and far, far, far away from myself. the things i need to do are piling up, and i know not how to find the heart to actually do most of them.

how the fuck does this happen.
how how how how how how how how how how how how how fucking how.
we know absolutely nothing. we are nothing. ————————– nothing.
and they claim to see
and feel empathy
but they feeling nothing.
selfish delights only.
we think of ourselves, only.

i am a trifecta of sick, stressed, and sad, and there is nothing i can do about it that will stick for more than a few hours.

TRIFECTA OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

GOD, WE ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.
YOU ME WE.

The Enemy

My youth was a dark storm,
Crossed here and there by brilliant suns;
Thunder and rain have caused such quick ravage
That there remain in my garden very few red fruits.

Now I have touched the autumn of my mind,
And I must use the spade and rakes
To assemble again the drenched lands,
Where the water digs holes as large as graves.

And who knows whether the new flowers I dream of
Will find in this soil washed like a shore
The mystic food which would create their strength?

—O grief! O grief! Time eats away life,
And the dark Enemy who gnaws the heart
Grows and thrives on the blood we lose.

_____________________________________________

Ma jeunesse ne fut qu’un ténébreux orage,
Traversé çà et là par de brillants soleils;
Le tonnerre et la pluie ont fair un tel ravage,
Qu’il reste en mon jardin bien peu de fruits vermeils.

Voilà que j’ai touché l’automne des idées,
Et qu’il faut employer la plle et les râteux
Pour rassembler à neuf les terres inondées,
Où l’eau creuse des trous grands comme des tombeaux.

Et qui sait si les fleurs nouvelles que je rêve
Trouveront dans ce sol lavé comme une grève
Le mystique aliment qui ferait leur vigueur?

—O douleur! ô douleur! Le Temps mange la vie,
Et l’obscur ennemi qui nous ronge le coeur
Du sang que nous perdons croît et se fortifie!

— Charles Baudelaire, from Les Fleurs du Mal (Flowers of Evil)

la dispute la dispute la dispute.

seriously. something about this band and this record. one of my all-time favorites, for sure. for sure for sure.

you always know the right things to say to me, la dispute.
i can’t believe i fucking interviewed them and deleted it by accident.
and this was two years ago.
before they got all fucking huge.
i suck suck suck suck.
i will never forgive myself.
they are on the up-and-up to hardcore legendary status.
ugh.

Now speak of anger,
forget all the fears you’ve kept about love and sex and death and faith,
erased, or swinging sweet from around her neck and between her breasts.
Let every lonely body finally break its fear of flesh and say,
“How strange it must’ve been back when we shook at the sight of sweat.”
Let our worries wander out of like water streaming from a spring,
and sing of all the things our heads have failed to ruin yet.
There’s so much they have failed to ruin yet.
Bright as lightning, loud as thunder,
We’ll move all the hurt aside to let love sustain our passions,
And move up and onward.
We are not our losses, we are only the extent to which we love.
So build a home for your family, and build a castle for your friends.
Now set their beds with sheets and blanketã, keep them safe until the end.
I’ve felt the damage and burn from the fallout.
My love failed but theirs prevailed.
My friends, I’m only flesh and bone,
but I won’t let you die alone.
So leave our hearts at the foot of the mountain.
Let our burdens be locked in the stone.
If you will help me roll it upward,
I won’t let you die alone.
I see a beauty springing upward from the earth and from out our hearts.
For all the bad that seems to plague us, I swear to you there’s good.
They say that death is not a problem, it’s a promise,
I can only say for sure that when it makes your bed I’ll kiss your head “Goodnight.”
So speak of all the love we lost, and what it cost us,
Left us beg our breath to stop but we kept on and
We were strong. We stayed bright as lightning,
we sang loud as thunder, we moved ever forward.
We are not our failures. We are love.
LA DISPUTE – THE CASTLE BUILDERS.

too busy to think critically.

i’m listening to… young man.

this is gonna be a quick one. [in retrospect, twenty minutes later: it wasn't that quick...]

something happened a couple days ago that initially seemed like a major bummer. it’s now unsure-ish, but generally seems fine. a little bit of jealousy, but all is fine and remains largely unchanged and i can’t complain. well, i can, but i won’t.

mihae came to town this weekend… mid-day friday… and although she was really not here for very long, we crammed it chock full of shit, to be sure. friday night, we went to the pains of being pure at heart show (whatever)… but pretty much just to see glasser, who really ruled it. videos soon. arf. but yeah. we ended up going to some house show and everyone and their moms were there. it was for mattress’ birthday, and he is a funny fucking dude, for sure.

anyway.

yesterday was pretty chill for the first half of the day, and then we went rockclimbing with christian [e], our temporary couchsurfer liam (who rolled out of bed and came with us straight-away), brian [m], and his friend kaili. was fun, man. first time going to portland rock gym, and since christian has an annual membership, he can bring as many first-timers as he wants, so he brought us all! it ruled!

afterwards, we went back home and prepped for a pizza party (liam and i’s idea) and we came up with this crazy pizza menu…

- apple, rosemary, goat cheese (i didn’t get to try it)

- butternut squash, caramelized onions, goat cheese (it was okay to me, though other people really liked it)
- banana curry (my signature pizza now, even though it was molly’s recipe originally… anyway, people love the shit out of it, seriously)
- bacon, asparagus, egg (soooooo good, although i didn’t eat the part with the bacon… but egg on pizza is ACE!!!)
- sour gummy worm flatbread (surprisingly not that bad, though there was a portion where it overlapped with the kimchi and that was, honestly, kind of gross)
- kimchi and cheese flatbreads (delicious!)

unfortunately, we went to the store, and i got like $45 worth of groceries cuz i was gonna treat, but i didn’t bring my fucking food stamps, so i was freaking out in the check line, and mihae was like, “so what? it’s not that much money!” and she was finally like, “okay, i’ll buy some stuff,” and took like $15 maybe of stuff. but i — had i been by myself — would have gone home and come back, because that fucking sucks (i forgot my wallet completely and mihae ended up having to spot me). IN ANY CASE. it’s annoying to have wanted to treat people to like $45 of groceries — 1/4 of my food stamps on the FIRST day of renewal… i mean, that was annoying enough that i was already buying people all the food. even more fragging annoying that now i had to pay out of pocket for everyone’s godamn dinner. and i’m not about to ask for money — that’s not my style — but that’s irritating. i would have walked back home and then walked back to the store after getting my food stamps, but mihae was basically saying that $30 was nothing and honestly i was pretty pissed walking back, because that’s not what i would have done myself. $30 is -not- nothing to me; it’s a lot of money, and i mean, i don’t ever eat out because i can’t afford it, and that’s three meals ++ eaten out right there. honestly kind of truly bothered me. but what was done was done… but seriously, that amount of money is, for me, at least a week of food, and this time around it was like……………………… a day of food, with not even any leftovers for myself to eat later on. that fucking sucks it.

of course, when the guests came, we made them watch this…

and come on, it’s the best thing ever, and new life food motto…

anyway, there was a lot of good convo and a lot of ridiculousness. andrew fucking brought a HUGE bottle of bullet bourbon, and… well, … yeah. we drank the majority of it, and made some wicked hot toddies, too. yeah! everyone got really blitzed, which was really quite hilarious, considering it was sunday night…

liam and i giving each other the muthafuckin thumbs up! we are pizza GODS!

kaili and mihae chowing the fuck down.

flannel party…

i dunno what sparked this…

… but i was saying afterwards that i needed to see if a three-way piggy back ride was possible. it was. though i fell off the first time. and afterwards, i was like, “thanks, liam (for carrying us)!!” and brian was like, “what the fuck! i was holding you up and saving your life!” haha. as evidenced by the photo… i wanna get all the piggyback rides…

liam INSISTED on taking the camera from me, and then couldn’t take a proper photo… british newb!

dude, such a good party. and sooooo impromptu. there was a LOT of listening to ’90s hip-hop and r&b (and a lot of liam talking shit about ’90s r&b though he loved ’90s hip-hop). but it was great. here’s some good selections from yesterday. dude, i sure am linking a lot of videos lately. weird.

… can you believe they fucking made a video to this song? that’s fucked.

(this was more after everyone left, but it’s amazing nonetheless…)

lastly, shared our cash only road trip video with the folks, since we were listening to television… good times.
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=10571792&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=1&color=&fullscreen=1&autoplay=0&loop=0

Cash Only: The Drive from Cash Only on Vimeo.

fb ban.

aided by my createordie entry from a couple days ago, i’m basically going to give up doing facebook status updates for a while. if you’re not sure why, the explanation lies in this document below. i’ll probably still use it for social means, though, but not for telling people stupid crap about my life that i’d rather they find out from me personally, i guess. maybe. we’ll see how long this lasts. i’m also basically banning the internet on weekday evenings. we’ll see how this goes. so far so good. so far has only been a couple days, though, but in that couple days i’ve been quite productive in other ways…

anyway.

just spent the majority of the evening — this saturday evening — sewing stupid shit on old samples for blinds (like the kind you put on your windows) and watching clips from old-school horror movies and episodes of “are you afraid of the dark?” and “tales from the crypt” (i love “tales from the crypt” so much) and the old music videos, starting with the supremes cause i totally had “baby love” stuck in my head for no reason. ending with talking heads’ “slippery people”… but lots in-between, including bush, no doubt covering elvis, gavin rossdale covering elvis, buddy holly, nirvana, blehblah, duran duran <3 <3, the mamas and the papas (bush has been coming up in conversation a lot lately).

the beginning:

the end:

my roommate shawn is moving to the east coast for a couple months to take up blacksmithing because it’s a trade that’s in the family and it’s good to learn if that’s the case… and well, we’re having a pretty epic horror movie marathon tomorrow where we’ve asked friends to offer up their favorite horror movie clips. shawn has been compiling them like a madman and has been spending a lot of time on it. it’s going to be stupendous. it might be also one of the last movie night / potlucks we have at our place in a while since shawn’s going to be gone, and he might also sell his big-screen television. we shalt see!

all freakin’ night in olympia is also on november 20th this year. i was going to go on a road trip, probably around then… so we’ll see if i can make it. i would like to make it… especially since i missed it last year :[ there’s these events i want to go to every year always, and this is of them…!

“so keep your heart strong and love love and give kisses when you can.”
kisses – kisses.
(yes, song and band name are the same.)

dream world.

new idea:
[1] find a place to exchange an apartment with someone for a month. doesn’t matter where.
—– [how do i do this?]
———- [addendum thought: i can totally go to taiwan and hole up for free for however long. parents have an apartment. hmm. but i kind of know people there. which makes it less appealing. kinda.]
[2] go. hole up. learn about a new place and culture. write a book.

if this was possible now! right now! right this second now… it’d be amazing! amazingly great! now is not the time, though.

there are some jokers across the street who are fighting and screaming on the porch of some house, being really loud and obnoxious, screaming about throwing bottles and saying, “give it to me!” and stuff.

today our couchsurfer (shawn’s couchsurfer, to be exact) was talking and recalling how andrew and her had gone into laughing planet — a nearby burrito shop — and the worker at the burrito shop had asked the couchsurfer what her name was, for her order. couchsurfer was high, and answered, “julia. that’s my english name, anyway.” burrito shop worker says, “oh, now you’ve made me curious! what’s your real name?” couchsurfer responds with, “youngju.” burrito worker goes off about how youngju is such a beautiful name and julia is such a less sophisticated one because it’s english etc. etc.

that’s some of the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard. youngju is not a super common korean name but it’s not uncommon, and it sounds like a lot of other korean names. so you basically think it sounds good because it sounds “exotic” or something? like, somehow julia is a less meaningful name just because it’s in english and isn’t like, mustafa or something, even though mustafa might be a super common name in another country?? that’s the dumbest shit ever.
.
dummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmb. but not just dumb in a normal sense… dumb in the… ah yeah this is the stereotypical reason portland gets kinda stupid sometimes kind of way.

in the meantime this song is so stupid good…

i can’t do this hare krishna stuff.

i’m reading a hare krishna book i got for really cheap at a half price books sale. i like reading religious texts because they’re interesting, but holy shit, this is a load of crap. i’m sorry if you’re hare krishna, but not really, because the logic from this supposed “divine grace” is unreal. and it makes me mad. like, it actually makes me mad!!!

below is a supposed conversation between a skeptical doctor and some… dude. not sure who said dude is.

Dr. Benford: You seem to place emphasis on what knowledge does for you. What about the sheer joy of discovering how nature works? For example, now we think that we understand matter like this [pointing to the grass]. We think that we know from experiments, theory, and analysis that it is made up of particles that we cannot see, and we can analyze the properties of it through experiment. We know that it is made up of molecules. We understand some of the forces that hold it together, and this is the first time we knew this. We didn’t know it before.

Srila Prabhupada: But what is the benefit? Even if you knew every particle of this grass, what would be the benefit? The grass is growing. It will grow with or without your knowledge. You may know it or not know it, but it will not make any difference. Anything you like you may study from a material, analytical point of view. Any nonsense thing you can take you can study and study and compile a voluminous book. But what will be the use of it?

Dr. Benford: I seem to view the world as the sum of its component parts.

Srila Prabhupada: Suppose I take this grass. I can write volumes of books — when it came into existence, when it died, what the fibers are, what the molecules are. In so many ways I can describe this insignificant foliage. But what is the use of it?

Dr. Benford: If it has no use, why did God put it there? Isn’t it worthwhile studying?

Srila Prabhupada: Our point is that you would rather study the insignificant grass than the God who created everything. If you could understand Him, then automatically you would understand the grass. But you want to separate His grass from Him, to study it separately. In this way you can compile volumes and volumes on the subject; but why waste your intelligence in that way? The branch of a tree is beautiful as long as it is attached to the main trunk, but as soon as you cut it off it will dry up. Therefore, what is the use of studying the dried-up branch? It is a waste of intelligence.”

he goes on in another lecture to describe the following.

“There is no limit to Krsna’s artistic ability, because Krsna is the seed of all creation. You have all seen a banyan tree. It grows from a small seed. This small seed has so much potency that if you sow it in a fertile place and water it, one day it will become a big banyan tree… Also, on that banyan tree, there are many thousands of fruits, and within each fruit there are thousands of seeds, and each seed contains the potency of another tree. So where is the scientist who can create in that way?”

i’m just wondering why you even know that much about the banyan tree to begin with. looks like you’re studying it a little, dude.

—

that being said, i finally learned why it is that hare krishna followers are ALWAYS singing “hare krishna” as like the only lyrics to any song they sing. i actually just recently brought up this question at sxsw as we passed a group of hare krishna devotees. here’s the answer:

“The International Society for Krishna Consciousness is a movement aiming at the spiritual reorientation of mankind through the simple process of chanting the holy names of God.”

wow i just want to quote everything. this shit is SO ridiculous to me.

“For instance, when you are sleeping, I have to call you loudly. ‘Mr. Such-and-such! Such-and-such! Get up! You have to tend to this business.’ No other senses will act when you are sleeping. But the ear will act. Therefore in this age, when people are so fallen that they will not listen to anything, if we chant this Hare Krsna maha-mantra they’ll be awakened to Krsna consciousness. This is practical. So if we are actually anxious for peace and tranquility in society, then we must be very serious about understand Krsna. This is my request. Don’t take the Krsna consciousness movement lightly.

“This movement can solve all the problems of life, all the problems in the world. Social, political, philosophical, religious, economic — everything can be solved by Krsna consciousness… It is very scientific and authorized. It is not a mental concoction or a sentimental movement. It is a most scientific movement. So we are inviting all leaders from all countries to try to understand. If you are sober, if you are actually reasonable, you’ll understand that this Krsna consciousness movement is the most sublime movement for the welfare of the whole human society.”

i don’t know about you, but i can smell stuff, feel stuff… in my sleep……………………. newbs. newbs. newbs.

emo. schmemo.

12:02am – 12:27am
[this is unedited stream-of-consciousness action, written while hanging out on tables outside a library at the university of texas.]

i’ve finished the little pink notebook i carry with me. the adventure with it began on november 25th, 2008, on a walk around my neighborhood in livermore, california. tonight, i’ve finished it on a walk around the fine city of austin, texas. i am absolutely in a confused state of mind. i have absolutely finished off this notebook with scribbles and scrabbles and doodles. wish the last piece would have been one that was satisfactory, but alas, the notebook was finished without a bang — it finished with mediocrity.

at least the rain has stopped. as of this afternoon, the first day of my jetblue travels, i began to crave a kind of domestic living. it’s a post-burning-man thing, and not the best of things when one considers i’m about to embark on a two-month journey traveling around the country. for the first time in quite a while, i feel pretty fucking alone — as if i’m confusd about my focus in life — as if my best friends, or the ones i speak to most, are or were practically all lovers… as though the most intimate parts of me are seen and shed and left out here somewhere… pointlessly, even, in the long run, maybe. and i feel guilty for my pleasures and alone in my struggles, with whom to share it with but those who don’t quite understand? or those who are themselves too invested to hold an unbiased opinion on the matter? i feel blinded by hope — simultaneously confused by reality — to create a concoction of being strung around like a rag doll that’s at once using and being used. mutual needs might be fulfilled in a temporary arena, but one can’t help wonder what the long run, the ultimate picture of it all, is. more often than not, these are of no concerns to me — they rarely pop up in life as problematic. or thought of seriously. cuz ultimately i’m not the type of person that really cares about the future very much at all. i’m generally pretty confident that things will work out in my favor, but on days like today, i’m just thinking what the point of it all is, and it feels like just about everyone’s serving himself or herself in the end.

on days like today, i think that perhaps life is not all peachy and we need only to fulfill our own desires above all else. how we live is selfish and the point of everything we do is riddled with self-serving motivations, and if that’s the case, how can anyone ever really love? what the hell is love, and how can it exist? i hate usually the cynical arguments that even the most basic humanitarian actions of being good and serving others are rooted in a selfish desire to feel good about oneself, but on days like today, i see that… i see it in others, and i see it in myself.

it’s all perspective, really. the same actions viewed one day are rooted in love, the next day rooted in selfishness. i’m ranting like a motherfucker. i feel alone is all, and i’m wondering what i want out of life and where i want to be. where i want to live, what i want to do, who i want to see. i’m feeling domestic. for this very fleeting (i’m sure) moment, i want to be rooted, to be comfortable, to have that pointless fucking disgusting soul-death comfort lifestyle i loathe so much. it’s just for today. it’s just for right now. but for today and right now, being pampered and taken care of and not being alone sounds perfect. the moment and feeling will pass. the eggs are just wanting babies, probably. but i’ve felt off all day without being able to explain or verbalize it correctly. writing is my catharsis. it’s helped me through all things. i’ve written it. i’ve done it. so it’ll be fine. beyond this…

silly mommy.

my mother just told me that my dad had been having a conversation with her and saying that i (and others like me, i guess) were rude because we just call people and say, “hey!” instead of, “hey, george! it’s vivian!”

i tried to explain to her that NO ONE does this unless it’s a person who a) doesn’t have your number or b) doesn’t have caller ID. but friends don’t call one another on one another’s cell phones and introduce themselves… or it’s rarely. i can think of a couple of instances of this in fact happening (and a couple times i’ve done it), and it is just kinda weird and awkward. it’s NOT a custom people do anymore.

my mom says all her friends who call her cell — even if she knows who they are — introduce themselves. i’m skeptical about the validity of this, but even if they did it… it’s not something that happens anymore! c’mon now!