meow emow emwoww james blake late night.

just taking a quick time to do an update because it’s 1:45am and i’m listening to james blake and waiting for some files to upload. brain is on warp speed lately, and i finally feel like i am comfortable enough to take the time for myself and not sleep, and just be able to do work. cool. the other night i was feeling quite bummed about the state of life — that happens sometimes these days — but seriously just taking the time to chill out and write things out in my journal helped. i don’t often — or ever, really — take the time to write in my journal when troy is around just because i dunno, i feel like that stuff is just so private that i don’t feel like i can fully express myself when other people are around, even if it is that no one else is reading my screen or whatever. for fear of them reading my screen or something, i guess. it’s strange, for sure, and i’m only just realizing this in an active way, and making a change against it, against that kinda privacy, for i do in fact need to write journals to stay sane, to maintain and think through, and not being able to do that as well as co-habitate just doesn’t work, i’m realizing. i realized it before but still didn’t feel like i knew what to do about it. i think these recent new jobs and opportunities is making me allow myself more freedom because i need it. parts of me wonder if there is conflict to be found here, but i realized lately that right now all i want to do is hermit up and do work. do real work. there are so many projects i want to undertake, and already i feel behind even when i am working all day on them, and simply between needing to survive financially and doing everything i want to do — which for the moment is especially concentrating on redefine and on video art — is just very hard to strike a balance for. i was feeling bad for quite some time about the fact that doing these things results in me not seeing friends, or that so many friends have left or moved away that the landscape is totally different… but i think writing things out the other night, as well as talking to nim and gina at the coffee shop, led me to realize that, fuck it, i’m not the only one in this position right now, and really… the realization is that if i want to make things work for me in terms of video art and magazine stuff, i really just need to buck up, suck it up, combat my nature of wanting all things at all times, all of the time, for the fact of the matter is that well, haha. hmmm am i going to go the jaded route in finishing this sentence? maybe! friends sometimes let you down — and you sometimes let them down (i fucking forgot to mail xinlei’s postcard from china — and unfortunately, for me, these goals are really important, and they’re not going to change, and i feel strongly that this year, these next years, will strongly define the direction of my life. and the tragedy is that i want all of the fun, but i had a lot of that in the past few years, almost an unbelievable amount around the spring and summer of 2011 — that i suppose i am beginning to feel it is fine to, at this moment, fast approach the other direction of selfish pursuit of life goals. certainly i’ve always felt the pursuit off and on, but always balanced it with social activity, i would think often because i felt weird about not doing so more than i felt it necessary to do so. i guess maybe i think that right now, where i have but a few close friends to worry about only, and where life is changing into a new direction, a more mature direction, a more targeted direction… that it is fine to approach it the way that other people do when they grow older, in the way that is a bit more self-focused than externally-focused. not completely, mind you… i’m still feeling as though i should and want to live with friends for the time being to try and strike that balance… but maybe on my terms? i think i have this year mapped out ridiculously well and clearly, with breakdowns similar to this, that are pretty visual art-focused, which i am really pleased about:

may (late)
- lotsa time in seattle for video shooting, banchero training, siff films
- visuals for swahili show, videotaping it for portfolio
- participating in shy girls mv
- shooting swahili vid
- beginnings of business foundations classes

june
- redoing redefine website
- business foundations classes
- video editing
- mercycorps 1-on-1 training
- pica grant sessions

july
- south africa
- substrata (?)
- additional/remaining mercycorps classes
- draft business plan

august
- helsing junction?
- claire’s wedding
- nor-cal for hangs and parents’ birthday celebrations

september
- decibel (hopefully doing vjing for them?)
- hopefully finish my grant and buy camera equipment!!!

october
- troy and i turn in material for icelandic audio-visual competition

november
- art show at tea shop for months of november and december
- argentina

december
- birthday monthhh!!!

january
- go to iceland cause we’ve won a spot in the audio-visual contest? ha!
- and/or go to chinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna

anyway, this is all fairly unexpected in some ways, but it feels right and is all coming together (more or less, as “coming together” is quite a loose term) with little effort… so i feel good… ^__^

gonna stop for now as far as writing goes, to actually post backwards and get some older stuff chronicled (this is half of the task lately). beyond that, below is the archived post that i had typed up on a .doc because i didn’t have adequate internet at troy’s. tis the post on which he asked me what i was doing and i said writing in my journal, and he asked if it helped, and i said yeah. it quite did, i think.

one last note before that, though. the day following the piece written below, i had told troy that i was kinda annoyed by the fact that it didn’t feel like he was much listening at all when i spoke to him about ses things. a couple times in the past week he had even changed subjects mid-while-i-was-talking, in the latter case, in a quite offensive way where i was literally crying and talking and he mentioned something silly a guy had said on the radio, even cutting me off to say it. i figured this was an indicator that he was annoyed by my complaints; he said that that was not the case, and that he didn’t notice he had changed the subject — which is certainly part of the problem. :L but he also said that often when he is silent he is thinking of things to say that won’t sound trite but also won’t bum me out, and i simply told him he should just say things that normal people do, as in this post-sad-me-conversation he was saying fine things about friendships and how they dissolve sometimes and how he had experienced that too (as such was what i had been complaining to im about) and i told him that all of the things he was telling me right then and there were fine things to tell. he said that he hadn’t thought of it until right that moment, but he had been trained through years of being with various girlfriends who would take something he said as an attack on them personally — so that he learned not to really say anything, for fear of bumming someone out. i told him i just wanted a regular conversation, like a normal person. i concluded that for me, such elusive responses were probably particularly bothersome because i always say the thing that i think the other person should hear — not what they probably want to hear. and maybe there are people who don’t like that, but most of the time, people appreciate that. troy also mentioned that for his own emotional states, he doesn’t like focusing on abstract states of disillusionment and prefers instead to logically break them down and work them out that way, through solution-based mechanisms, so that he finds it hard too to give advice or to pass on information when others are feeling turmoil that can’t be worked out via a solution. he admitted this probably wasn’t the best route for dealing with others even if it was the route he took for dealing with himself. kinda interesting.

anyway, tonight before bed we talked a little bit about memories of him and ryan growing up since they’ve known each other since kindergarten. sooooo cuuuute. playing videogames at each other’s houses, sleepovers, ninja games, etc. when he asked me questions about my childhood, i realized i didn’t really have any positive memories of “playing” with other kids until i moved to california in fifth grade. other memories i have of hanging out with kids are pretty abstract or they happened at school — but the more memorable things are that elizabeth and her friend or whoever made fun of me at the cafeteria (where i remember looking at a monthly menu pasted up on glass, and i’m pretty sure there were refried beans, which i hated) for not knowing what a period was. they told me to go home and ask my mom about it. i never did. i remember coming home in seventh grade and going to the airport and finding blood on my underpants; even by that time, i hadn’t learned what a period was, either. i called my mom, freaking out, and she was like, “ohhh.” other memories i remember from a young age are jim from fourth grade making fun of me and my purple sweater — which i had liked at the time — because it said “itsy bitsy baby” on it. i told my parents and don’t think i wore it again after that. kinda weird how that hurt still feels hurtful, somewhere. i don’t know what the manifestation of it is — i certainly am not obsessed with looking cool or whatever — but it’s there, lurking somewhere. maybe it’s some kind of shame? a shameful feeling of being asian to that degree? i’m honestly not sure. i remember also, clearly, prior to leaving in fourth grade and cheerleaders and jocks from st. mary’s coming into our high school to sign our tiny autograph books (this is of course a great memento because i still have it). and the other favorite would be j.r. hogan and michael delucia, third grade. such a crush on michael i had, but j.r. and i held hands in the theatre. he was the tallest kid in the class; i was the shortest. i got his phone number via a pencil he gave me. he lived at a funeral home. either i tried to call him and no one answered, or i never called. i don’t quite remember what it was. but when we held hands in the theatre, i’m pretty sure he asked me if i was his girlfriend or something. i think the answer was yes, though it was certainly amateur. i wonder if his giving me his pencil was a crystallization of the relationship. ahhhhh. memories. and man, it’s weird. writing this paragraph has been nice but that bit about jim really did stir up a weird emotion somewhere. i can’t quite quantify it or what it means.

also remembered briefly at that school having some sort of sewing-craft thing with the plastic grids and the thread. can’t remember clearly. remember the layout of the room really clearly though, i think. it was some sort of u-shape with lots of open space.

—

Monday, May 6th @ 12:32am
Godammit, feeling weird again, the push and pull of my emotional self, hard-to-bear, kind of chilling in its polarity. I feel torn, lost on ways to be happy, how to do it, how to find worthwhile the activities I am engaged in, the people I am to befriend. I think lately of wanting to move back to Seattle, cause I’m tired of here, tired of the smallness of it, the non-city-ness – but I am unsure what lies for me beyond here, and am terrified of the idea that the things I want to do here, which are to work, to work, to work, to work, rather than to socialize, any longer – are eventually going to bear fruit of loneliness similar to what I feel now, these days, with my Seattle friends. The ones I have kept in touch with, simply a handful – which is fine, asides from the fact that it is mostly me reaching out to keep in touch with anyone, save for probably Mihae. The most annoying part as of late is that people are getting married, starting to get engaged, and I think about the fact that maybe so many of these people who I once was very close to will think not of me when reaching out in this regard, will not remember me for I am not present anymore when everyone else is. I feel loneliness in the lack of having a family of friends, having always moved around and about in such a way, cutting off when necessary triage seemed felt, when grown away and changed from life paths. All these changes have been necessary, and this I know, yet could I have handled them better? I’m not sure. It’s not even really everyone that I miss, or everything, more just the sense of having belonged before somewhere, and sometimes, and that always being such a fleeting thing in so many ways. Especially befriending men, because those friendships never truly last in most scenarios. Perhaps this is the way that people who move on feel often – or perhaps not… I just know that of the times I have felt I have belonged, the only ones who remain are those from high school, from church, those relationships bonded by whatever even if they are with people less similar to myself than before. But the entire world of raver friends – even the closest ones – I had cut myself off from for necessary ways, for necessary growth away from a life of going nowhere… and I still even now feel that way about this decision, the necessity of it. And how uncomfortable they felt, to a degree, anyway. And then with Eva, Liz, and Farm – the falling out, and what for, I still don’t know – and following that an entire existence of playing games and making friends online and in-person… but who are those people now – absolute nobodies, nowhere to be found, talking to me only when I reach out, completely pointless. So many years wasted and energies wasted on I’m not even sure what, thinking now that of all of my “good” friends are nobodies, shadows, living their own lives as people live their lives. Only females who have known me for forever actually try, actually support via mutual reciprocation; everyone else, who cares. Forgettable. And I think now about wanting to work non-stop – work over socializing, work over people – and it is a good question whether I am desiring this to pre-emptively strike against some sort of future hurt, or maybe I am just this disinterested in others, and maybe this type of ebbing and flowing of friendship to explosion, to nothingness, is as much my fault as the fault of others. Though when I point to many situations, I don’t feel like I’ve done wrong things or failed to reach out – more the other direction. The opposite has happened lately with people here, where I choose to be the one who fails to give effort – but I realize this in these situations, though I can’t figure out the psychology of why, other than the fact that I just want to close off right now… and it’s been a while of my fighting this… but in my recent post on Facebook regarding the desire to close off, to shut down, others had said not to fight it, it won’t be forever, after all. I thought I didn’t need the advice when first receiving it, though I made a concerted effort to not respond from a ego-driven standpoint just to be able to take people’s advice in stride, even when I felt it went against what I was feeling or didn’t quite understand what I was feeling. But now, as I am writing this, I’m thinking that maybe the multitude of people who responded were right – that if I’m feeling the desire to shut off and to shut down, that I just should, and that the repercussions of this can be dealt with at a later time, because it’s probably not that big of a deal anyway, and if what I am fighting against is the natural order of things, well, then, maybe that is wrong to do.

trying to remind myself i am capable…

… so i don’t flip out and punch someone while i’m trying to get everything done. aaaghhhhh! troy mentioned a bibimbap just now — and how we should become a musical or artistic duo called “bleeb and blarb” (i would be bleeb), and our album cover would be a bowl of bibimbap, and the album would be called “bibimblarb”… ha.

since i awoke from a couple dreams that were quite unsettling, i’ve been feeling weird. in one dream, i told him he was too selfish. in another, he complimented my body and i was surprised that he had done it. feel like there are truths to both of those things, hence…

blarghblarghblargh. he asked me to move in with him yesterday — after initially not wanting to — and now i’m not sure. we are in the middle of transition in our household, thinking about where to live next, and i’m not sure on which end of the stick i wish to be or should be. his house is kinda dirty and his room — the new garage room — pretty dark. i like sunlight and feel that i have already been far-removed from friends these days and that it might be good to live in a house and be reacquainted with that. i dunno. can’t decide. hard decisions.

last night we went to silent disco at holocene, where some club basically arranges things and hands out headphones that you wear. there are two stations on the headphones — one electronica and one hip-hop — and you can float around either room, listening to either, and getting your dance on. the idea is to unify people of dancing styles, and i think it was pretty successful in that… twas neat… i like the idea, though the music was just okay…

today, lots to do. trying to figure out if i wanna eat a bibimbap first, though. and the order of operations for everything else. there’s soooo much. who am i!!!!!!! on the plus side, there seem to be a lot of super exciting shows happening in beijing when i am there, including godspeed you! black emperor (which i’m trying to get on the list for) and mostly other really important locals. so… fingers crossed!

there are meetings /////

You know the amount of patience I have for those who are stuck in the past? Next to none. Zilch, nada, nothing. Met Tiffany yesterday — with her ex-husband who seems more like a husband, really — yesterday for dinner at Shandong. Saw them again this morning. Was rather hesitant to bring them to Shandong initially — it’s a bit of a special place for me… not overarchingly so, but at least a bit. But regardless, it turned out alright, was maybe even a bit fun though Troy stressed that it was “superficial”. I don’t know what kind of depth he expects to get in a situation where a) I had never met them before and b) it was a group outing. I must admit I felt rather okay during the happening because she seems not at all threatening at all — not that beautiful, not that interesting, and most of all, not that interesting. She’s perfectly nice, though, and the most interesting part is that I feel like I talked to her more than he did, that she directed more statements towards me than to he, that she wasn’t at all paying attention when he spoke. Not that that is a good thing at all, and maybe it was because she was feeling weird, but afterwards, Troy kept saying that she was being timid because Jared was around whatever, and all I could say this morning when I woke up with a burning annoyance was that I thought he was still stuck in the past, clearly, and that he thinks that he knows her because they are each other’s really early friend, since they have known each other since the young age of fifteen. But the reality, as I pointed out, is that they’ve likely seen each other like four times in the past fifteen years, or something, maybe a bit more, but at least four times in like, the past ten… and what he is holding on there is clearly laughable, even more laughable in the face of meeting her. Again, not that she is so very horrible, but it’s not like they are overflowing with chemistry or anything. And I pointed out that maybe she is just the timid thing that he refuses to believe she is, that he blames on her ex-husband/husband for with such weird adamacy, for she is so timid that she started drinking coconut water (well, aloe water) at the yoga place she goes to just because she got shit for drinking water, and she bought books at the bookstore without even knowing what they were or what they were about or what they were. She couldn’t tell us shit. What can I say to that kind of person my face, that kind of competition, that is so unaware? This morning, all I could be was offended that there was even competition, as we went to breakfast at Navarre (Screen Door was the original place, but I didn’t want to wait for an-hour-and-a-half with them for I felt it would be strange), and ran out of conversation almost towards the end of the meal, after so much talk of children (their older son, who is four, sounds totally rad) and suburban lifestyle bullshit. Boring as fuck-all, really, and there is a notable degree of bitterness in me about it. I walked home after lunch, stressing that I lived nearby (not too far, though under normal circumstances I probably woulda taken a ride), just because I needed to get away. I feel no threat in the situation… I guess more I feel is a bit of contempt, a general offended feeling, and a suspicious feeling that is unbelieving of his inability to let go of the past; I have no patience for that kinda shit, as I’ve said.

Once I left, he texted me asking if I was okay, then said, “That breakfast felt kind of weird but their trip really solidified what I’ve been thinking for a while, which is I made the right choice and am totally present for it. I love you Vivian, and I want to be here now and in the future with you.”

“Cool, sounds good,” I said, LOL. He asked if I was okay; I said I got darked out towards the end. He asked why. I responded, “In the midst of being bored I suppose I became very offended that it was even a conflict of you deciding between me and her and what that means about you and how you feel about me.”

“I dunno man, I think at diff times I’ve had diff feelings about who she is but I often come back to this place which is the reality that she and I are diff people and I allowed my own illusions about her to cloud that. I know she can be more in-depth but yeah, generally there should be and is no contest. The reality of the situation is that you and I have an amazing thing together that is not worth wasting on some fantasy of a thing that isn’t real. I want to be in a relationship with someone I can learn from and you are that person.”

Later on — “As far as the way I feel about you I’ve never doubted how I feel about you as a person, and honestly that was the real thing that kept me from straying, the intuitive understanding that you are so important and beautiful a person that I’d be a fool to let that go for anything.”

To that, I responded, “Thanks I think” — because I could have said just thanks, but I felt not wholly pleased with that…

It’s fine… I just feel butt-hurt and need that time to get over it. Again, I don’t feel worried, or generally, if I were to feel worried, and if he is going to go running to a fucking suburban lifestyle, have a nice life, dude, because I don’t even care if that’s the case. It would just be beyond dumb and I can live without it.

He called me later on to say that he felt weird and that he just wanted to see where I was at. I said I was perfectly fine with the thing; I’m not threatened. He said that sometimes they have really great conversations (again, laughable, as they aren’t really in person, and again, it seems like she hardly listens to him) and I said, “So what? People have great conversations all the time; it doesn’t mean that’s romantic. I just wonder what it is you’re clinging onto. What is that?” Clearly an ideal, an illusion, some weirdo thing from the past. He said he agreed, and that he didn’t wanna get stuck there anymore.

All I can say is that the tarot cards he drew when we were last time doing our lessons were accurate. Here are my notes from it:

Troy’s Cards of the Day:
2 of Swords (and supplementary cards Seven of Cups — http://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-cups/seven-of-cups/ and http://www.corax.com/tarot/cards/index.html?cups-7 — and Princess of Swords — http://www.angelpaths.com/swords/swordsprs.html and http://www.corax.com/tarot/cards/index.html?swords-princess)

Interpretation: 2 of Swords is about making a decision. Seven of Cups is about fantasy and illusion – that you need to separate what is real from what is fake. It says that “oftentimes, this card shows choices and plans that have little or no basis in reality.” That is only one interpretation, but even at its most positive, the card is a “mixed bag” of blessings and curses. I feel that the Seven of Cups can’t possibly be relating to me, and the other one sounds a LOT like me, imho. Man, did I feel weird reading him the description of the 2 of Swords. But also, it was amusing in that way. This particular evening, he made a 180… super boyfriend again… really good.

i am onto you, me!!!

been a second since i’ve written, methinks, and i’m currently spooning hot cocoa mix out of a can… and eating it with a spoon… it’s so close to he end i may as well just kill it off, AM I RITE? evidently. cause that’s what i just ate. i also ate a grapefruit before that which i kept telling myself to stop eating yet still failed to do! aaah! doing bad food things to my body lately — and by lately i mean mostly the last couple days — but this will be resolved shortly (?) not really sure what i am doing in that department right now. but i’m about to go on a 45-minute walk — granted it is to go eat and meet ingmar’s mom, ha — but yeah. i dunno. whutttt.

other than that, though — did some video stuff for swahili last night using resolume for the first time. and more functions on my x-session pro midi controller. it was not as good as practiced, but primarily because there were versions of the songs that were kinda unintelligible to me because they sounded mega different live. i dunno. they’ll be coming out with “nous” soon and tis the best song and i’ll be doing a video for it. it has to be done by monday so that pdx pop now! compilation submissioning (ha) can happen. so lots going on. i gotta schedule some personal stuff… coming up, for example…

03/10 – meeting w/ new writer sam
03/11 – matmos interview needs to be posted
03/14 to 03/17 – sxsw blahblahblah puke puke
03/24 – meet w/ swahili to show storyboard ideas for mv (?)
03/25 – frank’s interview needs to be posted
03/31 – have k-pop event press release and poster details ready for outreach

fuck i dunno. and then there’s scheduling writers’ articles and things! blarghhhh!

the sun was super out today, all day today, and sat in the back of tiny’s with abe and gina and did work, and i dunno, it felt good. i felt lucky to be in a place where i know nothing about what i am doing but i have the opportunity — as if handed to me, really — to do some really potentially awesome things. and it takes a lot of faith in myself and my artistic vision — but more surprisingly, it takes others’ faith in me, and the pressure is kinda scary, but in an exciting way that feels similar to getting the money for redefine, where i feel like i have to pony up because there’s no way around it otherwise — because i’ll make a fool of myself otherwise. i dunno, i enjoy it.

but anyway, as i was saying — sitting there at tiny’s, i just felt like… very lovely, very loving, very excited for the potentials and so grateful for it all. felt so loving towards my boyfriend, too, like we’ve gone through all these many things and i still want him, feel good about it in most ways.i will admit that again my dreams are quite negative — and pot does maintain my feeling strange at times — but i’m trying not to be bothered by those things. is that the right answer? i guess time will tell, really.

every morning, for like, five mornings in a row, i’ve woken up with swahili songs stuck in my head. i think that bodes well for them… it’s a good sign… their shit is unwittingly catchy… or should i say atraditionally catchy in a lot of ways.

i gotta get going. 50-minute walk ahead of me, which will be nice… at least i get a ride back via rhymayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. who rose thinks is cute. ha! as i told gina, k-dramas are doing well for the plight of the asian male…

twirling. eggplants.

March 3rd, 2013 @ 10:50pm

Currently sitting at Fujin Restaurant in Portland; had been wanting to try this forever and now just finally made it here (it was in competition to Korean food, but Toji was closed because they are good church-attending Christians on Sunday, and I eat the bibimbap at Rice Junkies all the time and the lunch eggplant at Fujin was only $6.50, so…)… anyway. The crispy eggplant is what everyone rants and raves about on the internet, and it is totally good and is battered similarly to like, a fish dish would be, but it’s so fried that it’s hardly really a vegetable anymore, haha. Totally delicious but I was definitely hoping for something more resembling an eggplant… but at least it’s nice to hear some Chinglish up in heaaaa? Ha.
Anyway. Times have been good even though I had a bit of a mental crisis yesterday; dreams have been fairly rough and smoking pot, unless it is in a setting where it is fairly intimate, kinda darks me out. I’m so weird. Kinda feel strange pulling out a laptop and typing at a Chinese restaurant – it isn’t a diner, for god’s sake – but I need to get in some writing, and I feel like as soon as I get to the coffee shop (I think Hazel Room is the destination today; Gina has never been there, surprisingly, even though it seems soooo up her alley) I’ll be in work zone again. SO much work to do…
The crisis yesterday was related to some dreams I had, and just general fear of proceeding with things, especially with my leaving the country so soon. Blargh, we’ll see.

Recently saw Lenny in Seattle (hi Lenny!) and talked to him a bit about relationship things and what not, and he had gone to the Langley Murder Mystery thing, for like maybe the fourth or fifth year in a row? We went together for the first couple years – there was a really amazing bacon-topped gnocchi the first year at a restaurant called the Fish Bowl, which was closing up when we went the second year, much to our dismay. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about long-term relationships – inevitable, I guess – and how Lenny and I were together for suuuuch a long time, like five years, and I certainly enjoyed life a lot then but it all goes over in the blink of an eye; it’s fucking crazy! The past year-and-a-half with Troy has seemed relatively fast and short at the same time, and I wonder if these years will seem like they passed by just as quick when I look back at them in five years. Mihae was mentioning yesterday the flashbacks of memories she was getting with Ryan, and it seems nice to indulge on those moments sometimes while remembering that they are in the past for a reason. I also think about how we had a lot of money, mobility, to create certain types of memories that I don’t necessarily in this relationship… different kinds of memories, here. But there are little things I miss from just cohabitating with a person – nighttime sleep routines, shared showers, watching him shave, massages, and so on. We only just did a really good massage exchange last night for probably the first time ever? Or if not, at least the best one yet. I had told Troy he needs to learn how to give massages since Lenny trained me to do them so thoroughly and now I have a very particular taste for what I want out of them. Ha. I dunno; it’s all very interesting to me. Speaking of Lenny, I had thanked him for donating $1,000 to my Indiegogo, which he followed up by saying he had just purchased $35,000 worth of Disney stocks (cause I guess Disney just bought Marvel and other people) and that he was potentially going to get a job at Amazon – which is the same job he’s doing now but with a $50,000 a year pay raise! WHAT ON EARTH!!! MIND-BLOWING! And I think back on having a real job and making the amount of money I did and how easy it was to save, and in a sense, how little I valued buying things to a degree when I had money. I just bought that 1.3k camera, and I think in the first time in a long time I feel a real sense of ownership to the thing, where I actually feel like I need to take care of it, where my Nikon D40 and D40X I just let kinda get destroyed and didn’t care sooo much because they are fairly affordable and I suck. And their lenses, included in the destruction, as well.

I think that’s enough typing in the Chinese restaurant. Moving on.

yeah dawg.

sometimes there are milestones you hit where you can feel yourself becoming less of an idiot. not completely, mind you — that never really happens — but growing closer to the ideal you hope to reach. and that’s all that one can hope for, i guess, i feel.

i’m now waiting while some bulk photos i am processing are being rendered in photoshop. boo-hoo-ring, particularly because i broke my laptop screen again (as i am wont to do) and there is a strip running down the slightly-off-center of it that looks like a tripped out patch of vertical pixel lines. not that it doesn’t look cool — these broken self-inflicted glitches always do — but it’s a bitch, particularly when i’m trying to read emails and the already-divided outlook panes become cut even further into parts. oh well, i say, oh well.

life feels good right now… really good. meditation via four of swords good, for sure. life is just flowing on as it is, and i think a bit part of me is certain there will be problems to re-arise, and not that i am manifesting them or hoping to, but i feel i have some sense of what they might be when the time comes. i guess we will see. i think also, though, that i wl know the solution when the time does come, and if that is such the case, then it is, and so it is. i’m pretty okay with this right now.

my mind has become changed in a lot of ways lately, mostly without any kind of intention towards the change at all. to begin with, sex. i dunno if it is the pot — i’m sure that has some to do with it — or the mescaline — that might have something to do with it — or just the general increased ability to savor the small things — but whatever it is, things are easier in the orgasm department. always a good thing, i’d say…

what else. finally, i can listen to their songs and sing along with them and not feel the slightest bit strange. this bridge probably should’ve been crossed quite a while ago, but it never was. now it is, which makes working with them sooooooooo very much easier… and this is great…

last is a sense of detachment. i am probably still not as detached as is healthy, but there is definitely an increase of that, wherein if the excellence that these things are is not good enough and he feels the need to pursue something else, then so it is, and it will probably hurt, but it will be fine. of course, that’s not what i want… and things are at an all-time high, i’d say, but who can ever predict anything…

this relationship has only been a bit over a year-and-a-half, with three months apart, and yet it feels so long…

mihae mentioned aim on facebook today and i decided to sign on for a brief bit and caught up with a buncha people… hsuhan, mike from spacemonkeys, virginia, tammy, bp, tony, richard… i had a dream about a hypothetical person from spacemonkeys the other night — he wasn’t really in our cs clan — but it made me think about those people, long left behind, so many conversations… especially with joe [kure] and so much closeness despite the distance… and how fleeting those things are, really.

i also thought recently about my relationship with alex as a best friend, and how he was always one with a stranger set of interests amongst a group of other friends who were into the fairly down-to-earth, and going to his house and feeling such pleasure at the fact that his mom was a new age witch, and how all that just generally turned me onto those things, made me curious about them. it’s a small stepping stone, but in retrospect, an important one nonetheless. all things pointing towards one thing.

jeanette was telling me earlier about her yoga teacher training, and i was pleased to hear some of the things, so i am gonna copy and paste:

ps
i was watching the beyonce doc last night
then the end
she said some stuff
and thats why i called u
to munch on it together
haha
basically
about
well some very general stuff
that i know i believe it
in
but ya
basically that
everything is connected
and everything happens for a reason
and in church they put it diff
but like
bad things happen
to help you grow
and it’s all about how you look at it
actually yoga phillosophy
has similar
like the hard moments
challenge you to breathe through it
so you come out “stronger ” or able to handle more
I DONT KNOW
she just talked about all the dots connecting
and ya
and also
so weird
learning yoga history
philosophy
so much is
religious
and i was worried if it would be weird for me
but it’s super open
and in tons of books
talks about how it’s meant to be all encompassing for people of any religion
also im reading yoga sutras of patanjali
tons about meditation
always think of you
when i read about meditation haha
i’ve memorized the first 4 sutras as part of my hmwk this week
atha yoga anusashana
means now you are ready to learn the teachings of yoga
yogas citta vritta nirodaha
means yoga is the stilling of the mind
which is the tie to meditation
and the sutras go on about how and why your mind should be still
and sutra 3 is once your mind is still that’s when your true self is revealed
anyways tons tons tons of good stuff
and we had 3 weekends of anatomy which who knew i am obsessed with anatomy
so much interesting stuff
and just fun to learn about bones and
how it all ties together in yoga poses
etc

currently @ the tea shop. and it’s been quite a while since i have given myself the luxury of really writing, so that is what is happening right now (and reading, also). was gonna go to a movie at three… gonna skip it. might get a haircut later on, even out the ugly $1.50 haircut i got in ecuador. can’t really wait straight thru april until china. now reading / just started thus spoke zarathustra. eavesdropping on this lady’s convo w/ tomo (hot jonny’s old roommate).

last night, i slept over @ troy’s again, after really and truly planning not to contact him at all (i didn’t) or see him, for a couple days. but i was hanging out w/ mihae and ryan and he hit me up and then met up with us afterwards, though i hadn’t asked. he then asked me if i had tickets to a show that is tonight (i don’t — but it is tuesday, and i do)… so it is that every day i had not planned to see him i actually am. but nonetheless, i am lowering my expectations and concerns in some way — just so it is not painful if push does come to shove (or whatever that means). still distant, he is… but not as distant in some ways. who knows what is ever happening in that mind. @ least he started reading thomas moore’s soulmates, and we’ll see what he concludes after reading that. anyway, listening to tomo talk to strangers, i am wondering how i do so poorly @ making friends w/ baristas and other people manage. always wonder this.

i oscillate between sad and happy right now, as i always do in times like this. but this time — unlike the last times — i feel uncertain moreso of what his decisions will hold. i have a hunch but less conviction, and there is surprising freedom in this, albeit a mental and theoretical one, which allows me to entertain the possibility that there could be something better and it could be okay. i certainly don’t want it — because i think we could make it and it would be great — but it seems possible. i dunno. the brain can justify anything really, it just has to want to, i guess. and i guess that if we are to make it, i hope this detaches me @ least enough that i can again be more my own person though also coupled. we are so intertwined it seems impossible in some sesnes.

the other day a phrase came to mind which i wanted to write down, on my hand, like a tattoo, as a reminder. i don’t recall what it is.

just talked to tomo for a wile. handsome nice smart guy. ah, people.

some quotes from the zarathustra intro worth keeping, i think…

from the gay science:

“For the New Year. I am still living, I am still thinking: I have to go on living because I have to go on thinking. Sum, ergo cogito: cogito, ergo sum. Today everyone is permitted to express his desire and dearest thoughts: so I too would like to say what I have desired of myself today and what thought was the first to cross my heart this year — what thought shall be the basis, guarantee, and sweetness of all my future life! I want to learn more and more to see what is necessary in things as the beautiful in them — thus I shall become one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: may that be my love from now on! I want to wage no war against the ugly. I do not want to accuse, I do not want even to accuse the accusers. May looking away be my only form of negation! And, all in all: I want to be at all times hereafter only an affirmer (ein Ja-sagener)!”

“I greet all the signs that a more manly, warlike age is coming, which will, above all, bring valour again into honour! For it has to prepare the way for a yet higher age, and assemble the force which that age will one day have need of — that age which will carry heroism into knowledge and wage war for the sake of ideas and their consequences. To that end many brave pioneers are needed now…: men who know how to be silent, solitary, resolute,… who have an innate disposition to seek in all things that which must be overcome in them: men to whom cheerfulness, patience, simplicity and contempt for the great vanities belong just as much as do generosity in victory and indulgence towards the little vanities of the defeated:… men with their own festivals, their own work-days, their own days of mourning, accustomed to and assured command and equally ready to obey when necessary, equally proud in one case as in the other, equally serving their own cause: men more imperilled, men more fruitful, happier men! For believe me! — the secret of realizing the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously! Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius! Send your ships out into uncharted seas! Live in conflict with your equals and with yourselves! Be robbers and ravagers as long as you cannot be rulers and owners, you men of knowledge!…”

booo booo booop.

actually meant to write boop all three times up there but fucked up since i am on an ipad, ha. confusing times for all, where i have made decisions to myself kinda but it is difficult to manifest them in the way i would ideally like because our lives are so intertwined. bahhhh. so yeah, confusing but probably fine. mihae in town from seattle, yay, and funny jenn v, too — so maybe i will see her tomorrow. randoid. vacation weekend, i guess. busy week coming up… probably need to force myself to do a buncha work tomorrow as i have not done sooo much at all and was saving the hours for, i dunno, when i felt better or whatever. but that is no good necessarily. got a film tomorrow to watch too bahhhhhh about social justice moombo joombo, i should probably go, though. super confused and eating horribly, like a bachelor (like a balla? like a bawss). balrgh ablrhg. went to a fancy penthouse renato babysits at last night and it was kewl tho not mind-blowing to me… tho the kids’ rooms were kinda nutso. lotta toys and junk. but did get rather tipsy and had some good convo, most notably renato talking about how he feels that he can teach the kids some real life lessons about sharing and building community without that being obvious. said the kids were super competitive when he first got there but have now responded to not racing separately to the elevator — and throwing bows the whole time — but racing as a team for the good of the group. kinda amazing subversion. i approve and think tis important!

man, i think i needa get on my own ass a lil bit in the next while here again. kinda slacking, i feel, kinda relinquished a lotta responsibility bout some crud. feel maybe weird about that but tis hard. this week, this week. things to do, this week.

sleepy eyelids.

tried to take a nap earlier with the white sage incense still burning. impossible! choking!!!!! like, literally. not the first time. that stuff is so sick… i just woke up a little bit ago and thaddeus has been napping in my bed all day. he just came over right now and is swirling about near my face and neck like a squid in ink (what). lymay’s little my boyfriend replacement. sensual man. anyway. may nap again after this. as i had told people recently, it’s hard for me to sleep when thaddeus is all up in my shit because his heartbeat is really strong and i can feel it. strange…

yesterday was chinese new year… didn’t celebrate it much… did however go to an adult theatre after troy’s work (we’ve been wanting to go fr a while; it’s across the street from his work and i just randomly thought yesterday we should finally go) and it was the weirdest scene. definitely expected a buncha solo guys to be sitting around keeping quietly to themselves while wanking. definitely was not like that. definitely had a buncha couches that have probably been there since the place opened and are probably dirty as all hell (the ones in the front had condoms strewn all about them) and when we walked in, quite obviously mostly dudes, many of whom were standing around like lurkers. wondered why some were huddled in a group in the front and why some were huddled in a group to the right — to the front, definitely a lady getting fucked; to the right, definitely a lady giving head or something. to the immediate right, later on, a guy wanking and i saw his penis through the corner of my eye a couple times but didn’t really look at him directly. at some point, a guy came in and was amused and told us that if we didn’t know, there was a couples section at the front of the place — and it wasn’t the first time we were told this — but really, that seemed like the area where the action was, and as we approached the front there, i didn’t notice but troy said that the guy who was wanking it next to us got up, followed us, and kept looking at us and continued to wank. i think couple time meant exhibitionist time, even though it was funny because people kept referring to that area as the place to go if we “didn’t want people to bother us”. bizarre. fascinating, though. february happens to be $5 for transvestites, cross-dressers, and couples, so we scored there. woooooooooo. definitely on my way to the restroom (and naturally, you needed a key for the women’s bathroom), i saw a couple dudes and my first inclination going down that narrow hallway was to say hello to them — but i quickly had to turn back on that mentally for when they gave me a double-take i started thinking a bit more about what it was that drove people there, and who they probably are, and that we are clearly tourists but others, probably not. probably rather creepster. definitely all middle-aged or older (one grandma and grandpa with grandma with a mean perm), mostly male, some females who just took on the role of huge sluts. nice…?

—

in other news, had a work meeting today then went downtown and got some tarot books so that troy and i can start doing some learning and things. just drew a card about it for kicks… can’t remember if i asked about advice or whatever related to it, but again, the suit is of significance, i’d say, as wands always do with spirituality, and in this case, a two seems useful because i have a tarot workbook that i would like us to do jointly though separately — to compare and contrast our answers in the same place and to learn together. i’m pretty excited for it, think it will be good for us.

SOURCE

The man in the Two of Wands is holding a small globe and stands on the roof of a castle, looking out over a vast terrain to the right and an ocean to the left. The globe in his hands represents that the world is his oyster and there is huge potential if he can expand his horizons to encompass broader life experiences. He understands his ambition and knows what must be done. He is wearing an orange tunic, which symbolises an enthusiastic approach to life, and a red hat, symbolising a passion for adventure.

The Two of Wands takes the spark of inspiration from the Ace of Wands and matures it into an actual path forward. Thus, the Two of Wands is all about planning and progressing. You have been able to take your idea and turn it into a feasible plan that you know will lead to your success. It is no longer just an idea but you now have a plan in place to ensure that your idea is carried out as you had intended.

The Two of Wands is also about discovery, particularly as you step outside of your comfort zone and explore new worlds and new experiences. It may take some courage to take the first step but this card gives you the confidence of self-knowledge. You know what your goal is, what your creative process is directing for you, and you are confident in its eventual fulfilment.

The Two of Wands indicates that you will begin to consider your longer-term goals and aspirations and will plan ahead for what you need to do to achieve these goals. You have already come so far but now you feel it is ready for a change, this time with your long-term future in mind. You may be considering overseas travel, further education or a major career change at this point in order to expand your learning and development, and to grow your horizons beyond your immediate environment. With careful planning, and a moderated approach, you will set yourself up for success in the future.

The Twos in Tarot often represent decisions of some sort. In the case of the Two of Wands, you are making a decision between sticking with what you know, or expanding your horizons and taking a risk. You know that the world has to offer you something ‘bigger’ or more meaningful, yet you are also aware that in order to maximise on this opportunity, you must leave your familiar grounds. Even though you have already invested a lot into your current circumstances, for you to be able to grow and to maximise your potential, it is imperative that you step out into a new world and explore your options.

This card shows the patience and focus of your intent. You have got the ball rolling and have started out on your journey, so now it is time to patiently wait for your rewards and watch as your ideas begin to materialise.

—

SOURCE

The number two first and foremost represents dualism which is the existence of two fundamental principles, concepts, things or energies, that are in opposition to each other. It is where thought begins to actually take form. Human minds are geared towards seeing the relationships between two things, usually opposite things. We often express ourselves in this way, using opposing concepts to get at what we mean. We say something is good/bad, light/dark, male/female, sweet/sour. It is said we could not know happiness if not for having experienced its opposite, sadness. So, in that way two’s represent that dichotomy of thought that allows coherent expression of the initial idea begun in the Aces.

The planetary association of the number two is the Moon. This is also the heavenly body associated with The High Priestess, Major Arcana II, isn’t that nifty? The High Priestess is the feminine energy that acts as mediator between two opposing things. She is all about the duality thing. She is able to find peace in ambivalence, between holding two opposite ideas at once and recognizing that they can both be true. She doesn’t live in Either/Or Land, but in the margins, the grey areas, the I-can’t-quite-put-my-finger-on-it-but-I-know-it’s-true places. Each of the four two’s in the Minor Arcana show an aspect of this dualism and mediation between two things.

Because the High Priestess is passive energy, the two’s in tarot often show a time of waiting, deciding, balancing, weighing, discerning. There is a time of recognition in the two’s, of seeing what is the same and what is different, of comparing and contrasting. The focus of this time depends on the suit designation.

The Two of Wands is in some ways similar to the Two of Swords in that there is a decision-making process going on, but with Wands the decisions are more action-oriented. The choices are fairly equal but one will yield the best result. The problem is, you can’t have it both ways. You have to decide which action or course you will throw your efforts behind else not accomplish anything at all. There is a sense of power in the Two of Wands, of confidence and ability, unlike the Two of Swords which seriously does not want to make the decision but would rather maintain a tenuous peace between opposing arguments. The Two of Wands recognizes, eyes wide open, that the choice must be made and it’s just a matter of feeling which one you’re more passionate about, which action will yield the best result, which idea has more potential. The friction between them is usually because they’re both good ideas but because they are opposing, you only have the resources to achieve one of them.

—

SOURCE
The Lord of Dominion is an important card when we consider our personal freedom of choice, for it relates to the way in which we live in accordance with our own Will, and the consequent results of this.

The card indicates that we are in charge of the way that our lives are unfolding, and that this happens in the fashion we had anticipated. It does not rule out the occasional nice surprise, nor obstacle, but it does promise us that we are in a state of mind which allows us to fulfil our needs and chase our destiny.

There’s harmony and contentment when we manage to achieve this position in life. Events take place in an ordered and positive fashion. Things unfold around us the way that we want them to. Everything goes according to plan.

In fact, this is probably a natural state for a healthy human being. The fact that we have to struggle so hard to achieve it, and then maintain it, is more a comment on the type of life we lead, than anything else.

When we can bring ourselves in harmony with the forces of our Universe, achieving our dreams becomes far more possible than at any other time. We attain harmony when we are centred and at ease with ourselves.

Careful planning is always important when this card comes up – again there is a need to order our future so that we know where we’re headed. And it’s also important to reconcile any uncertainty or confusion generated within us. Both of these actions will ensure that nothing interferes with the flow of our own Will out into the Universe.

On very rare occasions this card will come up with others like the Star, or the Priestess, to indicate periods of huge spiritual breakthrough. Make the best of them when they arrive!!

—

SOURCE

The Two of Wands glorifies individual courage and greatness. This card taps the same energy as the Magician, but with one important difference. The Magician represents the archetype of power – the impersonal energy of creativity and strength. The Two of Wands stands for that power brought down to Earth and made personal. Personal power is an invigorating force that fills you up and lends you the courage to be great. A powerful person is like a magnet that attracts all those within a certain area.

True power always comes from the Divine. It passes through us and then flows out into the world. When we understand this relationship, we are blessed because this flow brings with it a tremendous feeling of expansion and fulfillment. We feel as if we can accomplish anything. Problems develop when we forget that we are not the source of power, only its conduit. We must be careful not to let the intoxicating feelings that come with power overwhelm our good sense and blind us to our true desires and intentions.

In readings, the Two of Wands indicates that power is a major issue in the situation. You or someone else has it or wants it. When you see this card, look carefully at your goals and activities to make sure you are using power wisely. Don’t support power for its own sake, but enjoy it when it serves your worthwhile purposes. Take this gift and use it to mold your environment in positive ways.

The Two of Wands can also stand for an extra dose of daring and inventiveness. When you see this card, trust that the time is right for the bold, creative move that will knock their socks off. Forget subtlety and old, tired approaches. Allow yourself free rein and you’ll be amazed at the results.

doing a quick thing.

blahblah. not much to say but feel that i should write. went out last night and acted normal-ish and felt normal-ish initially then felt like he was distant and pulling away. thinking about things too much rather than feeling them, i think. then he got more normal later on in the evening and all things seemed fine again. drew an ace of cups for tarot as advice. beginning of a new relationship or next stage of a current one, soulmate connectio. also got a six of cups (and underneath a seven of cups) that flipped over accidentally while shuffling — which is sometimes said to mean something. take it or leave it on those… either way, they have significance or could be useful but not really. they don’t fly in the face of the ace or anything, though… they might add to it, or they might not… fairly ambiguous and insignificant is all.

feel relatively calm about all things simply because i do not believe the things that are happening to be true reflections of things to happen. of course, i still feel unsettled, feel trust hard to come by, feel suspicious when he talks to other people or leaves for too long in a public setting… trying not to feel that way… trying tno let it flow, as chris had said…

the weird part is that a few words of discussion, of logic-based crystallization of feelings, can make what had otherwise been pure actions — all loving, so close — stilted a bit. i don’t know what i am learning here, exactly, but i think part of what i am learning may be to shut the fuck up. i meant to learn this before — talking about emotions to such great lengths constantly is not always beneficial to all people — but now i need to actually learn this, i think. maybe it works for myself to write down all of my emotional thoughts to myself, but it is true that they change and are not reliable, and therefore, they should not be discussed at all immediate seconds of the day, for doing so may sometimes hurt, may sometimes unearth things better left hidden, which may dissipate on their own readily. learning strange things, for sure. just a baby. but feel that my decision to hold on, to stick by, is correct.

went to watch “blancanieves” last night — the black and white silent spanish version of snow white. started off fairly normal oscar-worthy-type and got real strange, in a good way. by the end, snow white was being put on display as a circus sideshow act that people could pay to kiss (and then at the end, a pedal was pressed that lifted her up as though she had awoken from someone’s kiss)… and meanwhile, the most handsome midget man was her lover and caretaker, slept in the same casket next to her. it was a cool film, beautiful set designs and outfits and interesting narrative. funny sense of humor that poked out over time although it was not particularly easy to discern initially.

there is certainly a feeling of in-completion i feel, but it’ll go away, i feel. remember just a week ago him curling up into me, like a child; we, as fresh-faced lovers. yesterday, moments of tearfulness, like the free-flowing days when we were separated and going to the movie theatre, where i was unable to hide it. today, able to hide it, if only because i know (?) it to be temporary misgivings.

—

SOURCE

My friend, Jonna, does not read tarot, but she likes to leaf through my decks and choose her favorite cards. When an image strikes her she puts it to the side. From each and every deck I have shown to her she has pulled out the Ace of Cups. Truly, this is her card. She is deeply emotional, she can’t even try to hide it. Her emotions bubble up and out and pour over her whether it be joy or sorrow, anger or love. This Ace is like that. It is a flood, a rush of emotion, usually joyous and loving, but not always. We’d prefer that, I’m sure, that the Ace of Cups is always about love and happiness, but it isn’t. Sometimes it’s a wave of tears gushing forth from a dammed up river of grief.

The suit of Cups represent the emotions, its element is water, a fitting metaphor for these untameable forces that draw us towards and away from people, things, and experiences. The Ace is a solitary number, though, it represents just one. This Ace is a personal emotional force, the swelling of feelings inside one’s soul often in response to something seen or experienced. It doesn’t necessarily presage falling in love with another, although certainly one may experience the Ace of Cups in that process. It can, instead, represent attending to one’s own emotional wellbeing.

This is one of the most welcome cards in tarot readings. As Martha Stewart would say, “It’s a GOOD thing.” Once or twice I’ve seen it come up as an emotional storm, like a temper tantrum, or tears on tap, manipulative crocodile tears, but other, surrounding cards brought about those interpretations. All by itself, it’s as welcome as a cool spring on a hot day. Aces are rather dramatic, that must be why I like them so much, drama queen that I can be. They’re like the switch turned to the ON position and the volume cranked up. They’re like the Enterprise on warp speed, and just like Scotty would protest, “She canny take much more, Captain!” aces have a rather short lifespan. They’re bursts of power, in this case an onslaught of emotion, which doesn’t last. So it’s all about striking when the iron is hot with the Aces.

I’ve had very long emotional dry spells in my life. Quite unwelcome, but there I was in the emotional desert all the same. I had no tears to shed, no joy either, rather like an emotional flatline. Depression can do this to a person, but so can the tedium of life. Too, a person who is very much an emotional giver can find themselves tapped out, with nary a drop left in their own cup to sustain neither themselves nor anyone else. At these times the Ace of Cups is most welcome and often shows up to advise a time of refilling. You can’t keep water in a leaky bucket, so how one goes about taking this advice is to first find where the leaks are. Most of us simply go for the filling station and don’t pay attention to the leaks and breaks. What then happens is you come back from your holiday feeling wonderfully refreshed, the spiritual retreat was most enlightening, you’re bouncing with newfound energy until about the next day when you wake up and find yourself just as bereft and dry as before you went off. If not more. Wha’ happened? And so we go from filling station to filling station and never feel full.

Plug up the leaks. Where are you emotionally broken? Where have you been torn open? Set to mending those places before you head off to the filling station. Wot? You mean this isn’t a gift? I have to work for it? No…no, ’tis a gift. But if you can’t keep it then how will you use it? And how will it spill over abundantly from a leaky cup? I know I’m making sense here whether you like it or not.

Aces, remember, are all about seeds of change, promise for something yet to come. They are the raw energy of the suit, but as yet unusable in its current form. It’s the push of the wave under the surfboard, the white water under the raft. But only with the skill of the surfer and the oars in the hands of the rafter can you navigate the direction and the result. So, bring it on, yes! Let the flood come, hallelujah! It’s about time, right? But it can wash over you and recede back into the sea, or you can gather it in a water-tight sandpail and actually use it.