just taking a quick time to do an update because it’s 1:45am and i’m listening to james blake and waiting for some files to upload. brain is on warp speed lately, and i finally feel like i am comfortable enough to take the time for myself and not sleep, and just be able to do work. cool. the other night i was feeling quite bummed about the state of life — that happens sometimes these days — but seriously just taking the time to chill out and write things out in my journal helped. i don’t often — or ever, really — take the time to write in my journal when troy is around just because i dunno, i feel like that stuff is just so private that i don’t feel like i can fully express myself when other people are around, even if it is that no one else is reading my screen or whatever. for fear of them reading my screen or something, i guess. it’s strange, for sure, and i’m only just realizing this in an active way, and making a change against it, against that kinda privacy, for i do in fact need to write journals to stay sane, to maintain and think through, and not being able to do that as well as co-habitate just doesn’t work, i’m realizing. i realized it before but still didn’t feel like i knew what to do about it. i think these recent new jobs and opportunities is making me allow myself more freedom because i need it. parts of me wonder if there is conflict to be found here, but i realized lately that right now all i want to do is hermit up and do work. do real work. there are so many projects i want to undertake, and already i feel behind even when i am working all day on them, and simply between needing to survive financially and doing everything i want to do — which for the moment is especially concentrating on redefine and on video art — is just very hard to strike a balance for. i was feeling bad for quite some time about the fact that doing these things results in me not seeing friends, or that so many friends have left or moved away that the landscape is totally different… but i think writing things out the other night, as well as talking to nim and gina at the coffee shop, led me to realize that, fuck it, i’m not the only one in this position right now, and really… the realization is that if i want to make things work for me in terms of video art and magazine stuff, i really just need to buck up, suck it up, combat my nature of wanting all things at all times, all of the time, for the fact of the matter is that well, haha. hmmm am i going to go the jaded route in finishing this sentence? maybe! friends sometimes let you down — and you sometimes let them down (i fucking forgot to mail xinlei’s postcard from china — and unfortunately, for me, these goals are really important, and they’re not going to change, and i feel strongly that this year, these next years, will strongly define the direction of my life. and the tragedy is that i want all of the fun, but i had a lot of that in the past few years, almost an unbelievable amount around the spring and summer of 2011 — that i suppose i am beginning to feel it is fine to, at this moment, fast approach the other direction of selfish pursuit of life goals. certainly i’ve always felt the pursuit off and on, but always balanced it with social activity, i would think often because i felt weird about not doing so more than i felt it necessary to do so. i guess maybe i think that right now, where i have but a few close friends to worry about only, and where life is changing into a new direction, a more mature direction, a more targeted direction… that it is fine to approach it the way that other people do when they grow older, in the way that is a bit more self-focused than externally-focused. not completely, mind you… i’m still feeling as though i should and want to live with friends for the time being to try and strike that balance… but maybe on my terms? i think i have this year mapped out ridiculously well and clearly, with breakdowns similar to this, that are pretty visual art-focused, which i am really pleased about:
- lotsa time in seattle for video shooting, banchero training, siff films
- visuals for swahili show, videotaping it for portfolio
- participating in shy girls mv
- shooting swahili vid
- beginnings of business foundations classes
- redoing redefine website
- business foundations classes
- video editing
- mercycorps 1-on-1 training
- pica grant sessions
- south africa
- substrata (?)
- additional/remaining mercycorps classes
- draft business plan
- helsing junction?
- claire’s wedding
- nor-cal for hangs and parents’ birthday celebrations
- decibel (hopefully doing vjing for them?)
- hopefully finish my grant and buy camera equipment!!!
- troy and i turn in material for icelandic audio-visual competition
- art show at tea shop for months of november and december
- birthday monthhh!!!
- go to iceland cause we’ve won a spot in the audio-visual contest? ha!
- and/or go to chinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna
anyway, this is all fairly unexpected in some ways, but it feels right and is all coming together (more or less, as “coming together” is quite a loose term) with little effort… so i feel good… ^__^
gonna stop for now as far as writing goes, to actually post backwards and get some older stuff chronicled (this is half of the task lately). beyond that, below is the archived post that i had typed up on a .doc because i didn’t have adequate internet at troy’s. tis the post on which he asked me what i was doing and i said writing in my journal, and he asked if it helped, and i said yeah. it quite did, i think.
one last note before that, though. the day following the piece written below, i had told troy that i was kinda annoyed by the fact that it didn’t feel like he was much listening at all when i spoke to him about ses things. a couple times in the past week he had even changed subjects mid-while-i-was-talking, in the latter case, in a quite offensive way where i was literally crying and talking and he mentioned something silly a guy had said on the radio, even cutting me off to say it. i figured this was an indicator that he was annoyed by my complaints; he said that that was not the case, and that he didn’t notice he had changed the subject — which is certainly part of the problem. :L but he also said that often when he is silent he is thinking of things to say that won’t sound trite but also won’t bum me out, and i simply told him he should just say things that normal people do, as in this post-sad-me-conversation he was saying fine things about friendships and how they dissolve sometimes and how he had experienced that too (as such was what i had been complaining to im about) and i told him that all of the things he was telling me right then and there were fine things to tell. he said that he hadn’t thought of it until right that moment, but he had been trained through years of being with various girlfriends who would take something he said as an attack on them personally — so that he learned not to really say anything, for fear of bumming someone out. i told him i just wanted a regular conversation, like a normal person. i concluded that for me, such elusive responses were probably particularly bothersome because i always say the thing that i think the other person should hear — not what they probably want to hear. and maybe there are people who don’t like that, but most of the time, people appreciate that. troy also mentioned that for his own emotional states, he doesn’t like focusing on abstract states of disillusionment and prefers instead to logically break them down and work them out that way, through solution-based mechanisms, so that he finds it hard too to give advice or to pass on information when others are feeling turmoil that can’t be worked out via a solution. he admitted this probably wasn’t the best route for dealing with others even if it was the route he took for dealing with himself. kinda interesting.
anyway, tonight before bed we talked a little bit about memories of him and ryan growing up since they’ve known each other since kindergarten. sooooo cuuuute. playing videogames at each other’s houses, sleepovers, ninja games, etc. when he asked me questions about my childhood, i realized i didn’t really have any positive memories of “playing” with other kids until i moved to california in fifth grade. other memories i have of hanging out with kids are pretty abstract or they happened at school — but the more memorable things are that elizabeth and her friend or whoever made fun of me at the cafeteria (where i remember looking at a monthly menu pasted up on glass, and i’m pretty sure there were refried beans, which i hated) for not knowing what a period was. they told me to go home and ask my mom about it. i never did. i remember coming home in seventh grade and going to the airport and finding blood on my underpants; even by that time, i hadn’t learned what a period was, either. i called my mom, freaking out, and she was like, “ohhh.” other memories i remember from a young age are jim from fourth grade making fun of me and my purple sweater — which i had liked at the time — because it said “itsy bitsy baby” on it. i told my parents and don’t think i wore it again after that. kinda weird how that hurt still feels hurtful, somewhere. i don’t know what the manifestation of it is — i certainly am not obsessed with looking cool or whatever — but it’s there, lurking somewhere. maybe it’s some kind of shame? a shameful feeling of being asian to that degree? i’m honestly not sure. i remember also, clearly, prior to leaving in fourth grade and cheerleaders and jocks from st. mary’s coming into our high school to sign our tiny autograph books (this is of course a great memento because i still have it). and the other favorite would be j.r. hogan and michael delucia, third grade. such a crush on michael i had, but j.r. and i held hands in the theatre. he was the tallest kid in the class; i was the shortest. i got his phone number via a pencil he gave me. he lived at a funeral home. either i tried to call him and no one answered, or i never called. i don’t quite remember what it was. but when we held hands in the theatre, i’m pretty sure he asked me if i was his girlfriend or something. i think the answer was yes, though it was certainly amateur. i wonder if his giving me his pencil was a crystallization of the relationship. ahhhhh. memories. and man, it’s weird. writing this paragraph has been nice but that bit about jim really did stir up a weird emotion somewhere. i can’t quite quantify it or what it means.
also remembered briefly at that school having some sort of sewing-craft thing with the plastic grids and the thread. can’t remember clearly. remember the layout of the room really clearly though, i think. it was some sort of u-shape with lots of open space.
Monday, May 6th @ 12:32am
Godammit, feeling weird again, the push and pull of my emotional self, hard-to-bear, kind of chilling in its polarity. I feel torn, lost on ways to be happy, how to do it, how to find worthwhile the activities I am engaged in, the people I am to befriend. I think lately of wanting to move back to Seattle, cause I’m tired of here, tired of the smallness of it, the non-city-ness – but I am unsure what lies for me beyond here, and am terrified of the idea that the things I want to do here, which are to work, to work, to work, to work, rather than to socialize, any longer – are eventually going to bear fruit of loneliness similar to what I feel now, these days, with my Seattle friends. The ones I have kept in touch with, simply a handful – which is fine, asides from the fact that it is mostly me reaching out to keep in touch with anyone, save for probably Mihae. The most annoying part as of late is that people are getting married, starting to get engaged, and I think about the fact that maybe so many of these people who I once was very close to will think not of me when reaching out in this regard, will not remember me for I am not present anymore when everyone else is. I feel loneliness in the lack of having a family of friends, having always moved around and about in such a way, cutting off when necessary triage seemed felt, when grown away and changed from life paths. All these changes have been necessary, and this I know, yet could I have handled them better? I’m not sure. It’s not even really everyone that I miss, or everything, more just the sense of having belonged before somewhere, and sometimes, and that always being such a fleeting thing in so many ways. Especially befriending men, because those friendships never truly last in most scenarios. Perhaps this is the way that people who move on feel often – or perhaps not… I just know that of the times I have felt I have belonged, the only ones who remain are those from high school, from church, those relationships bonded by whatever even if they are with people less similar to myself than before. But the entire world of raver friends – even the closest ones – I had cut myself off from for necessary ways, for necessary growth away from a life of going nowhere… and I still even now feel that way about this decision, the necessity of it. And how uncomfortable they felt, to a degree, anyway. And then with Eva, Liz, and Farm – the falling out, and what for, I still don’t know – and following that an entire existence of playing games and making friends online and in-person… but who are those people now – absolute nobodies, nowhere to be found, talking to me only when I reach out, completely pointless. So many years wasted and energies wasted on I’m not even sure what, thinking now that of all of my “good” friends are nobodies, shadows, living their own lives as people live their lives. Only females who have known me for forever actually try, actually support via mutual reciprocation; everyone else, who cares. Forgettable. And I think now about wanting to work non-stop – work over socializing, work over people – and it is a good question whether I am desiring this to pre-emptively strike against some sort of future hurt, or maybe I am just this disinterested in others, and maybe this type of ebbing and flowing of friendship to explosion, to nothingness, is as much my fault as the fault of others. Though when I point to many situations, I don’t feel like I’ve done wrong things or failed to reach out – more the other direction. The opposite has happened lately with people here, where I choose to be the one who fails to give effort – but I realize this in these situations, though I can’t figure out the psychology of why, other than the fact that I just want to close off right now… and it’s been a while of my fighting this… but in my recent post on Facebook regarding the desire to close off, to shut down, others had said not to fight it, it won’t be forever, after all. I thought I didn’t need the advice when first receiving it, though I made a concerted effort to not respond from a ego-driven standpoint just to be able to take people’s advice in stride, even when I felt it went against what I was feeling or didn’t quite understand what I was feeling. But now, as I am writing this, I’m thinking that maybe the multitude of people who responded were right – that if I’m feeling the desire to shut off and to shut down, that I just should, and that the repercussions of this can be dealt with at a later time, because it’s probably not that big of a deal anyway, and if what I am fighting against is the natural order of things, well, then, maybe that is wrong to do.