sending letters to boyfs.

oh you know. instead of sleeping. explaining! this was after quite a blinding moment of self-realization. might as well share with the lover. man, i am a complicated person.

i think in my writing exercises tonight, i’ve pinpointed the major new source of my recent anxiety. thought it was weirdly profound, by my own suppositions, and thought that i might share it with you a little bit…

my ramblings began with self-analyzing kind of why i have been rather nostalgic in an obnoxious way lately — curious about stupid shit that i had generally been avoiding or whatever, looking up troy one’s facebook page, for example, or even reading old letters we’d written just to have some idea about what they said. i don’t know why! it’s just kinda been a curious exploration into, “was that really a thing, and why was it a thing?” or something (the answer is still yes, though i forget from time to time).

after these ramblings to self, i thought with a start that it was getting all of these readings lately, and just generally having outside things (or inside things vaguely disguised as outside things) tell me what “my path” is supposed to be that is making me anxious. it is all making me consider my future more than i would like to, and in an unreasonable way. like i’ve been saying so much lately, i feel like i am at a crossroads and that i don’t know what to do… but i feel now, as i am realizing this, that usually i don’t have this fucking problem because i am usually living in the present. but newfound future knowledge is confusing my intuition and causing me to have expectations… or, more accurately, is making me worry about whether or not i’ll live up to my expectations (one always has expectations, after all).

i never thought something like this would even potentially be bothersome!… probably because i never, up until now, believed in predictive things like tarot readings or past life readings with too much conviction. but now, due to my belief in their accuracy and their massive corroborations with one another, i am getting all caught up in the future when the future obviously hasn’t happened and worrying about it pre-emptively is completely pointless. i wrote to myself today that i must re-learn how to live in the present. the future will come, and it is certainly important to be forward-leaning,but i don’t want to expect. it is not becoming of me or natural of me to expect…!!!!!!

i think the dissonance comes from the fact that so many things are telling me things that i already feel. that they are being declared to me in addition to my feeling them transforms them from personal “let’s look and see!’ adventures to embark on into weird mechanized processes to reach an end goal. no fun and not enough mystery in the latter, with the most significant problem being its vague timeline. having a clear-ish sense about events in the future causes me to rely not on intuition and general go-with-the-flow sentiments, which are fun…!, but on neurotic, pressure-laden self-examinations wherein i am constantly wondering if i am making the right moves at any given point in the timeline. it’s almost as if knowing about the future makes me more apt to fuck it up!… as normally i would just do it and not worry about to what ends. it is so obnoxious.

right now, the concrete examples contributing to pressures are probably: a) the film thing; b) the “my people” thing. the film thing because i feel like dreams and mushrooms and psychic readings have all been pointing me to it for quite some time now — but, like i’d mentioned to you, i don’t always feel like working on it. i usually feel it’s important to work on it when inspiration strikes — but because it keeps coming up, i am getting the sense that it will become an important thing, and that is making me feel like i should set goals even when setting goals feels wrong!! then the “my people” thing because i concluded lately that i am feeling rather lonely these days (take no offense <3) because many a close friend moved away and i am also feeling hermitude pretty strong — and i am almost looking with excitement towards whatever future group of people will hypothetically emerge for me to become truly feel at home with… because, like i said, i unfortunately still feel a bit uncomfortable around all of your band and stuff… and i'm waiting for it to blow over, but it's still there… and on top of that, so much more complication…! complication in whether my hypotheses (i told you the g&v) is even correct, and if so, again with the timeline thing… or if it's not correct, who it might be — or worse, whether there is even such a thing as a vaguely-defined path at all! perhaps, instead, there will never be a home of people, and it will eternally be a floating corpse of a loner (as with all my other past lives): me!

arf. i am beginning to realize that perhaps THIS — this time for deep writing and setting oneself back to 0 (it is 4:30am after all) — is the reason why i should probably take nights alone sometimes… more than any other reason. basic sanity, or something. but it's funny, the creature comforts just always make this seem so unnecessary, until slight grievances or emotional complications not dissected by writing build up until i am just "off" somehow…

anyway, because i've felt so disconnected and strange as of late — and been so out of touch with myself that i haven't ben able to explain it at all — i just wanted to share with you the greatest insight i've had in the recent past as to why i am a complete madwoman right now. hope it makes sense and you get it! (you'll get it, i'm sure.)

vivian

^ i am pretty into my own writing lately… not to sound bragadocious. but it pleases me. the inner monologue is fucking stroooooooooooooooooooong.

Now continued in the car, after plenty of rumpus time! Oh much improved, I feel like a reinvented human being after being able to sleep properly and be able to discuss the issues that have presently been eating up my psyche. Currently on the way from Las Vegas to Reno; it is an eight hour drive, which at this point feels like next to nothing, considering our 24-hour session yesterday, towards the end of which I began to go absolutely insane…! I swear, had the drive been an hour more, I may have started getting stabby (as I jokingly conveyed to the others).

Anyway. Back to Tara’s reading. Where to begin. I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit in the moments between wake and sleep on this drive. It felt a bit rushed really because she was needing to go back to her house, but she took fifteen minutes or so to give me a reading. This morning, she texted Troy to have him tell me, “Viva La Revolucion,” adding that I would know what it meant. Do I know what it means? Only kind of, maybe. It is interesting, though, that she told me towards the end of my reading basically that I would be involved in some kind of demonstration of some sort, involving a beautiful painting or street art and acting or something, and that it would look like a temple, with me in it at the center. From afar, I would look painted like the temple, like part of the temple; from the side, those approaching closer would realize I was a regular person. I don’t know what kind of demonstration that would be for, but it’s interesting considering what Ashlyn had said about me joining some group – the more “scientific” group – in activism-type activities. I can’t think of anyone, really, including the G&V person I was originally thinking about, who would be particularly activist-oriented, but I suppose that all depends on what the future holds, as we are all constantly evolving…

While she was talking about that painting and visual art aspect, she was like, “You’ll be a great painter or artist… but also a rockstar! Let’s not forget rockstar!” and it was definitely funny, for obvious reasons. She soon continued, saying, “Wait, what do you do in the band?” and I said, “I don’t play in any bands.” And she was like, “Whew, I was only saying that because I didn’t want you to feel like what you were doing musically was a failure; actually, I didn’t see anything related to music at all!” HRMMMM!

Themes reoccurring in this reading that aligned with those of the past reading included the idea that I was really old, and really deep… she kept saying that I was really deep, like a well, and older or with more dignity than anyone my age was that she had seen. She also said that I had a duality to me – a part of me that was deep and really extremely wise, and another part of me that was a modern lady. At that point she asked if I was some sign that had the doubles – I think she meant Pisces – and I said that I was not, and that I was Sagittarius, which she was too. From that regard, I think maybe it is more the Sagittarius-Cancer dynamic that brings out dualities in me… though I didn’t say that…

From the beginning, she said that Troy hadn’t actually told her anything related to us, but that she felt like there was a lot of tension, a blockage of some sort that was very temporary, but was straining the relationship. She suggested that the two of us take two weeks to be completely alone – and I said that that would be possible for me but not really possible for him because of his work schedule. She suggested maybe a week, then, or as much time as possible that we could spend together without the presence of others. It makes sense, maybe, if it is with regards to repairing things. I think even last night the opportunity to be alone for an evening was extremely helpful… with regards to our relationship I feel like things have been always very obvious and “duh” – except when it comes to how others relate also to the situation. She also reassured me that the first two years are the hardest, and that it will become way easier as time goes on.

I told Troy last night that if the Burning Man grant the others applied for comes through this year – to build a giant pyramid on the Playa – that I probably wouldn’t do it anywaty. It seems like too much commitment for me, and I feel like I have more important things to do at this point in my life. I also would rather spend that knid of vacation time and energy in other places. In terms of them, I would even hope they would take the time to say fuck it to Burning Man and use that time and energy on their music; I feel like they have so much they could do and that the time Burning Man happens is ever so crucial… but it is not my decision to make, and I guess it all matters what will happen with the grant itself…

Anyway. Back to the reading. When reading my palms, the first things she said was that I would have two kids. This was very obvious. And they would be very close in age. This was also very obvious. This – in terms of number of kids and their ages – also aligns with Ashlyn’s reading. “Don’t worry; it’s not soon,” Tara made sure to say. Moving on, she said that I loved in the same way that Troy loved – that when I love someone, I really LOVE that person, and that in my life, I will only truly love one person. The thing shat she said she has never seen in a palm is that I will find the person that is my perfect love and we will get married and never divorce. We will grow old together. And I will live a long life without too many health problems. She said, “I’m sorry; that must sound really boring, but that’s just the case,” and I was like, “Are you kidding? That’s like the best thing ever.” Haha. And she said, “Well, I guess that just shows what kind of person I am! I am engaged and already looking for a way out!” And I laughed, and she said that it wasn’t really a joke, and that she always had a back door plan just in case because she is just a “free” person. She also said that she had cheated on the guy a couple of times – and that he knew it – but that she hadn’t done it in two years or so, and that she loved him, ultimately. I guess her and her fiancé dealt with cancer at year four though they are now on year eight.

There may be other things. I will fill them in later, or I will not! In any case, just ate a whole fucking box of Reese’s Whoppers earlier. Great combo! But probably should not have been done, in any case.

Added 2:23am, April 10th, 2012…
Something that was pretty interesting that she said was that it was okay for me to be passionate or something (in sex) — and that sometimes women are more passionate than guys. Struck me and stuck with me, for sure.

I am at the home in Las Vegas where Troy lived from the age of 13 to when he moved to Reno in his early 20’s. It’s interesting being here, and it has been a fucking hell of a trip this past two weeks. I’m not sure where I am mentally right now, but… Troy’s step-sister Tara was here earlier. She said she had been thinking about him a few times in the past couple weeks which basically meant that he was perhaps going through some difficulties that would later work themselves out. She pulled him aside to a private room for a second when I first arrived, just to tell him something very quickly. I’m not sure what..

Troy insisted that she give me a reading. What she reads are moods. She told me that she felt that there was something going on between Troy and I that was perhaps due to stress because of someone being tired, but that I was really hard to read and she could not figure out exactly where the stress was coming from or why, but that she felt it would work itself out soon and that all would be fine. Said that she felt that he loved me very much, and that I was very good for him – almost in a nurturing, motherly way – though he may sometimes say and do things that make that seem to be not the case. Continued later.

past life regression.

Just got a past life reading from Ashlyn. Currently sitting in a park in Oakland getting super sun-baked as I’m writing this. People are debating over philosophy stuff, and I am getting bored, so I am cutting out! Cutting ouuuuuuuuuuut.

Summary of how it went down (as lifted from some other website):

The reading begins with a rose reading. The rose is a symbolic representation of your current spiritual growth cycle. A rose reading offers a rich overview of major themes in your spiritual growth process.

Then the reader looks at the seven layers of your aura. In each layer, the reader sees different colors and identifies which colors represent your own energy and which colors are unwanted energies. Often just by recognizing that something is not your energy, you can begin to release it and move forward.

Alright, so to go over the past life reading. It began with Ashlyn getting into a trance for about fifteen minutes. Then it began with a Rose reading in which she visualized a rose. The petals, she said, were 65% open, which meant… I forget. The center of the rose was my color – a bright, rich orange – and she said that there were pieces of pink trying to encroach upon it, trying to suffocate it and swallow it up, thinking that it was the orange energy when in fact it was an outside energy. She asked it to leave and said it felt much better. Then it was analyzing the sun, which was at 11:45 or so – almost straight up above the rose, which meant that I was almost directly on my spiritual path but just slightly short of it. She said that the stem of the rose was extremely long, “to the end of the page,” she said, which basically meant that I have been around since “the beginning of the game.” Towards the bottom of the page was a black energy – a negative or stagnant energy. And she moved it a little, and beneath that was a clump of karma. The clump of karma, as she zoomed in to study it, was a picture. Set in a jungle, very clearly, with myself in an ancient culture. She said that perhaps it was something Incan. Apparently, I was a an Incan princess of some sort, high up in power and rank, and very influential. But I guess the time came where I was tested and was supposed to show my power over a set of poorer and less powerful citizens. Rather than stepping up and being powerful and showing my reign, I decided to run away and to live an isolated existence, as a “Robin Hood,” of sorts, she said. The dark energy referred to a man who I knew at the time who caught me as I was to leave, and because of a deep love and care we had for one another – I am uncertain of whether it was romantic – he let me leave but was extremely sad that I had to. After I left, he was extremely depressed about it – and that depression later turned to anger, which resulted in him lying around stagnantly, waiting for me to return, or come back. That gave me a bit of guilt – guilt in having to leave people behind in order to do my own thing. The overarching message of this – why my “spirit” pulled in this scene at the time – was because it was focused on the topic of isolation, and of me having to do work that is important to me, even if it is solitary or lonely. As you’ll see from my previous post, this is very much a thing that has been on my mind lately – the conflict between what I feel I have to do and the lack of reciprocation for doing the things I feel that I have to do. This was definitely a theme that came up over and over again.

Next, we’re looking at the stem of the rose, and there are two leaves, one on either side of the bud, just slightly below it. Evidently, these are agreements that I made with two other beings to be a mother figure to them – and those are agreements I can choose to acknowledge or not.

Slightly below the leaves was a shining and vibrating past life, which Ashlyn went in to study. This past life showed me working on a field, alone, with children on my back. I guess I was happy, but at the same time unsettled, a bit lonely. I enter the house. My husband is not present, and Ashlyn gets the sense that my husband has gone off to war and has perhaps passed away; and I feel that moment perhaps intuitively but did not realize it in a serious sense, because I had not yet gotten actual wind of it. She then said, this sounds weird, but I see you putting down the babies and leaving. I’ve decided to go and leave to do the personal work I need to do – and to not do the work that I feel like I am perhaps forced to do? A lot of isolated work. My whole being wants to do work that is important to me, but so, so lonely…

Moving on, she went to do an aura reading for me.

1) BODY.
It began at the root aura, which was a orange color. Again, there was an encroaching energy that wanted to swallow me up. This first one was something like what is expected of me versus what is me, and the encroaching energy – the same as before, very female, possibly that of my mother – really wanted me to be a certain sense of female that was very traditional, calm, “beautiful,” submissive, whereas my entire being was very strongly against that sense of female… still very female, she said over and over and over again – this was the overarching sense… that I was a different kind of female energy – but still very assured and strong. She said it was extremely intuitive of me to think that what was necessary at this root was a very feminine energy (?), but in an a traditional sense… feminine but not in the stereotypical way, at least in terms of the appearance and body.

2) EMOTIONS.
Emotion. Extremely sea-green in color, ebbing and flowing easily, and very , very clear. She said it was cool and the clearness basically meant that I will accept things as they come, and that they’re fresh, very fresh, always living in the now and never in the past or in the future.

3) ABILITY {?}
The desire to share with others my work, to share the goodness of the world. I don’t remember much more about this, unfortunately. Something about how the things I do hold the “back lines” so that other people can build on top of this. Also a small reference to my magazine in there, I think. Also some reference to sadness, and about how there is a bit of sadness in knowing what I have to do but realizing that it is also a very, very isolated thing.

4) AFFINITY.
A lavender energy, that was very subtle but wide-spreading, very diffused but self-assured and nice. Holding the space between the voids, and the whole sense of holding ground for other people – subtly – is a sort of healing or accepting potential. So that people who see me and meet me and don’t really understand this type of energy may think that I am cold, but that those who do understand it gravitate towards it and understand it. Feminine energy, again.

5) COMMUNICATION.
An understanding that the dark spaces are vital to see the goodness, the depth of goodness. This is a magenta, which then turns into a very bright orange over the course of the reading. Energy movement. There is a hint of martyrdom, where I take it upon myself very heavily that I need to do certain things. Full of depth which is pulled from finding the goodness that comes out of dark places. The color changed because a lot about how my being listens to people and at one point only took in the energy and were sitting on it, rather stagnant, and finally was able to be a little more playful about it – a little ready to let that seriousness go to instead laugh from people’s stories, to receive an amusement out of it… to have be a slight bit more of a give-and-take to make it rather less tiring.

6) HOW ONE SEES THE WORLD.
An extremely light blue color, kind of, that is denim-colored, lighter than royal blue but darker than the sky. This is the one place where I am less serious and more open, the place in my chakras and my life where I am so light, like air, and less heavy. In all other aspects, I take work extremely seriously, but in this aspect, I think that the world is just full of goodness that I want to share it with people, and taking in things from the world rejuvenates me. I can pop up into the air at times to pull things from that, past a purple border line… a border line I want to erase and lighten, so that I can pull the lightness into other layers.

7) HOW THE WORLD SEES ONE.
A lot of vibrating energy, where people had their eyes of me, kind of, but were basically waiting to see what will happen. An extremely, extremely slow build of energy where people are studying, and are curious, but are not necessarily extending a hand. They’re just waiting to see where I go, certain that I have power but not sure how to efface with the power. And she says I like that. I like that people don’t always know how to approach me, and that those who actually do are the ones that keep around and decide are important and ones who are on the same page. She says that there are three groups of people that I am somewhat looking towards, which does not include the Swahili household, because they are already here, already present.

And here Ashlyn asks if there’s a question I want to ask. I ask if there’s a group of people that I am looking towards – who they are, and where they are in my life. She says that me – as a rose – looking at the Swahili group of people (she reassures me that she is double-checking this scene to make sure she is not being biased) up and towards other people. She says that there are three groups of people, but that there is one group in particular that I am looking to… because the Swahili household are my partners people, who I get along with, but they are not MY people, and I am all the time looking for MY people. She thinks that out of three groups, there is one group that stands up stronger. They are led by a male leader of some sort, and I can think only of Chris, and instantly thought of it because of the exchange that we had yesterday. She says that with this group, they are waiting for me to show up and to step into the role, but I am in the meantime trying to figure out what that role is. She says that perhaps they are more activist-like, that they are undergoing projects which are a little more political or scientific. I am not sure what this is – and not sure if this fits them – but what she does think is that this group will help out the Swahili group a lot, and there may be some clashes because of that, but that ultimately both groups will benefit from each other. It’s interesting because after our last experience seeing Chris’ band, what we discussed was that they were more rigid, more structured in their songwriting. Swahili would be the more artsy, the more jammy end of that. But in my mind they are such similar human beings, and such similar life interests and goals… and really kind of similar music, in a sense… but yeah, Ashlyn got the sense that this other group – which will be really important for me, but not in a romantic way – will be extremely beneficial for Swahili and will help them out a lot, and vice versa. And man. After my conversation with Chris yesterday, I’m definitely extremely curious to see if this comes to light… I don’t know if he is on the same page as I am, but I am sure that he understands where I am coming from; he replied to my email yesterday where I sent him the Swahili tracks, signing off with “It’s a feeling,” and that he felt honored that we were able to exchange brain spaces in such a way. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s weird; I feel like in some sense they are people I neeeeeeed to know. We’ll see how that pans out.

That was the end. All of it blew my fucking mind! Will fill in the blanks, in red, after today.

there are a shit ton of things i should be doing, none of which are this.

i’m listening to… snowman’s absence.

yesterday, gina and i went to get a soul guide reading from this local lady in town. you can see her website here, and we got an intuitive reading and a flower essence consultation. she describes these services with the following words:

Intuitive Reading
I offer myself as a channel for spirit to those who seek a deeper understanding of themselves, and who desire to develop trust in their own wisdom and connection to spirit. People seek consultation with their guides for a many reasons, such as for help in decision-making; questions of life purpose; cultivation of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health; healing issues of lack; and deeper understanding of love and relationships.

Flower Essence Consultation
Flower essences are a subtle, yet profound, energetic medicine that helps to support the deep transformational work of personal growth. I use the essences to address the spiritual and emotional realms, which then vibrate outwards to affect the physical and mental realms. Flower essences are not contraindicated for any medical condition or drug, and are safe to use with infants, children, adults, elders, and pets.

is this shit a buncha bullshit? well, a year ago i might’ve said yes, but i would have been open to it. now i am more apt to believe it, though i will assert that i maintain a healthy dose of skepticism. regardless, though — whether she talked to my spirit guide or not, i gained helpful things from the session. and either she is a hella banging psychologist or she is just psychic, which is also in that whole world of just fine and dandy.

firstly, though, some pics.

[1] (right) costume i made for intuitive navigation way back when. bedsheet. lucy did the MOST amazing dance while wearing this costume. speaking of, i need to do laundry today… woke up into a nosebleed and have to do that shit. god, i hate doing laundry. shawn told me that i was the person that did the least laundry ever. what can i say, i’s filthy. but anyway. i might bring this to burning man next year… ha!

[2] (below) me, sitting in this coffee shop i am at, with the flower essence that was prescribed to me. therefore, i will begin with the flower essence and its elements. i will begin by saying that shayne told me, “i cannot even impress upon you how rare this is.” evidently, she checks in with your guide and gets the recipe from (in my case) him, and he prescribed me a bunch of gems, for grounding purposes. most people don’t get much grounding materials, i guess. and it’s also interesting because before i went into it, i was mentioning to troy that i was very curious what flower essences i would get because floral things frequently, frequently make me nauseous — especially lavender. i’d never mentioned it to her, though. below are some meanings… of, firstly, lavender, which i was not prescribed, and secondly, all the other things that i was prescribed.

LAVENDER

Positive qualities:
Spiritual sensitivity, highly refined awareness.
Patterns of imbalance:
Nervousness, overstimulation of spiritual forces which depletes the physical body.

The Lavender flower essence helps those souls who are highly absorbent or spiritual influences. They tend to be very awake and quite mentally active, with a strong attraction to spiritual practices and various forms of meditation. However, they often absorb far more energy than can actually be processed through the body.

“High-strung” and “wound-up” are words typically used to describe such personalities. They especially suffer from afflictions to the head, such as headaches or vision problems, and neck and shoulder tension. They are quite often plagued by insomnia or other nervous maladies.

Lavender first works to sedate and soothe such persons; at a deeper level, it teaches one how to moderate and regulate one’s spiritual-psychic energy. In this way the soul learns to use its highly sensitive capacities in balance with the physical needs of the body.

maybe that makes me sick because i am soooooo not plagued by insomnia and am soooooo not high-strung… now for the things IN my bottle.

GUARDIAN (FLOWER)

Guardian helps you create a powerful force-field of protection in your aura and environment. It contains Covellite, Devil’s Club, Round-Leaf Orchid, Stone Circle, White Violet, and Yarrow. These essences enable you to claim your energetic space, maintain your grounding, and feel the protection of strong, healthy boundaries. Guardian also contains the essential oils of Hyacinth, Litsea Cubaba, Tangerine, Lime and Melissa. These oils enhance the protective and grounding qualities of the essences and add uplifting notes of joy and playfulness. This spray is especially useful for those of us who are highly sensitive. We often feel our sensitivity is a curse instead of a blessing because we don’t know how to keep the energies in our environment from penetrating and depleting us. Guardian reminds us that we are the source of our own protection. It connects us with our inner light and helps us radiate this powerful energy outward into our surroundings. This helps us stay open and sensitive, while feeling sealed and protected.

PYRITE (GEM/CRYSTAL)

Energises the lower chakras, promoting grounding. Helps one to see the reality of a difficult situation. Uplifting & emotionally balancing.

HERKIMER DIAMOND (GEM/CRYSTAL)

Powerful cleanser for the subtle bodies and energetic structure. Opens higher chakras promoting clarity of perspective & development psychic gifts. Stimulates connection and the ability to be in harmony.

RUBY (GEM/CRYSTAL)

Ruby has a profound impact on the heart chakra and helps the development of spiritual balance and divine love.
Emotional/mental – Ruby is universally applicable for all emotional issues related to the heart chakra. It provides illumination into areas of procrastination within the personality and stimulates the development of self-confidence, decisiveness, negotiation & leadership skills as well as the development of unconditional love. This essence will promote a greater degree of stability and balance within the personality, which will stimulate a desire for forward movement and spiritual growth.
Energetic level – The energy of Ruby impacts the heart chakra, heart meridian and heart chakra nadis. It also aligns the mental and spiritual bodies, which stimulates spiritual inspiration and divine love.

LAPIS LAZULI (GEM/CRYSTAL)

Emotional/mental – Lapis Lazuli helps those who have shy, introverted or retiring personalities through its ability to stimulate spiritual & personal self-expression. It also promotes the release of buried emotions and hidden fears.
Energetic level – Lapis Lazuli has a major impact on the throat chakra and the energetic blueprint associated with this chakra point. It aligns the etheric, mental & spiritual bodies and strengthens all the meridians. Lapis Lazuli is also a very potent cleanser of unwanted energies from the energetic blueprint.

ANGELICA (FLOWER)

Positive qualities:
Feeling protection and guidance from spiritual beings, especially at threshold experiences such as birth and death.
Patterns of imbalance: Feeling cut off, bereft of spiritual guidance and protection.

Angelica flower essence – The modern human soul suffers in a way which is unique and tragic, for it must face profound spiritual isolation and separation through living in a materialistically dense and technologically abstract culture. The Angelica flower essence addresses the soul’s experience of compression and restriction by quickening the thinking and perception processes.

The soul becomes more able to perceive and discriminate its connection to the subtle sheaths surrounding the physical world. Angelica flower essence especially encourages the individual to develop a relationship with the spiritual world, transforming an overly abstract or intellectual viewpoint into a genuine feeling for spiritual presence and spiritual beings. This awareness is particularly enhanced for that group of spiritual beings who immediately border the human kingdom: the angels.

Through a living relationship with the angelic realm, the human soul receives guardianship and guidance in daily affairs, and protection at times of crisis or during threshold experiences. This feeling of being protected and cared for is of enormous importance to the inner life, giving the soul great strength and courage for its work in transforming and healing the world.

Angelica flower essence is broadly indicated for many flower essence formulas and is particularly important at threshold times such as birth, death, festival celebrations, or other major life passages.

flower essence descriptions are from this book and website and the rest are from this website.

the herkimer diamond (different from diamond), guardian, and angelica were the things that stuck out in my mind the most when she was describing them. she mentioned that the herkimer diamond was to help with opening the third eye, the guardian with opening oneself up spiritually while still protecting oneself, and the angelica was a hollow-stalked plant that facilitated direct contact with the spirits.

so. man. i dunno. that shit sounds crazy but then the stuff she told me was kind of even more maddening. and it very much covered things i have been thinking in just this past week.

the session began with her and i just shooting some shit and i felt totally kind of anxious and unsettled for some reason. it was weird. gina’s description that she had passed onto me of “native american lesbian” kept sticking out in my mind and it was super annoying and i couldn’t figure out why that description wouldn’t let itself go. thank god that we soon did a meditation… a heart meditation… and she told me to envision breathing in gold to my heart and then breathing out the negative things. i pictured gold swirlies being breathed in, black swirlies being sent out. helps to visualize. definitely calmed down a bit.

before the session, she had asked me to bring a form that i’d filled out. in it it asked what issues i wanted to work on, but i didn’t have any particular issues to work on as i feel like i am generally pretty “good” in life right now… i just said that this was a big year, spiritually and mission-speaking, and that i wanted to know what i should focus on. she asked me what it meant that it was a big spiritual year, and i basically just ran down everything from being bummed out in the beginning of january to a love spell in february to a succession of “lovers” that then turned me onto writing, a new mission for redefine, and finally, love. she asked me what it meant to me to be “spiritual,” and i just said a sense of connectedness, and the idea that what you think or intend are very much things that you can make happen. kind of a weird answer, the second part, but that’s what came to mind.

she also told us beforehand that there would be a purging session afterwards, if necessary, where i would get a chance to speak about everything that had been told to me. and she told me i could do whatever while the session was going on, but i didn’t really end up moving from the same spot anyway, so enthralled i was.

she took a moment to call my guide, but he came in a matter of seconds. i guess he was readily available (and gina’s was apparently already there before they started, and shayne said she had to ignore her for a while while they were chatting about things).

so dude appeared to HER, and the whole time, she was looking off in the corner of the room so that she could see the vision. from his description, he probably looks something like this dude (these are pictures of lao tzu, and it’s actually REALLY interesting because i have been weirdly directed towards taoism in the recent past). i actually had wanted to ask at the end, during question-asking time, if dudercopter was chinese, but i didn’t. but i mean seriously. the dude had purposely set himself up in a “scene” that he wanted me to see. again, i wasn’t seeing the scene directly; shayne was translating the scene TO me from what SHE saw.

the scene was this: he was an old man — “so old,” shayne made sure to say, and that he had a really long and thin beard. i don’t believe she saad what color. i also feel like he might have had long hair but i also think that may have been an assumption i made. in any case, she definitely mentioned that his robe was REALLY soft, and that it was a grey or periwinkle color (seriously, lao tzu pics, wtf!). she said he was holding a giant stick, and that he was stirring a pool of water. the water was not that wide across, but it was REALLY deep (shawn told me later that evening that that was “dangerous,” which seems true hahahah).

okay, so funny, there was that visual, which stayed hilariously in my head and definitely made me giggle when it was first thrown down.

oh man there’s so much to write and it’s hard to keep track of it all in one go. bits and pieces keep flooding back to me randomly throughout the course of the day but i will try to make some bullet points… everything stated below in parts one and three is what he, my spirit guide, said to me, about me. there are some of my thoughts inserted in-between, but they are clearly denoted.

PART ONE: THEORY
- i am an “old” spiritual soul.
- i see a lot of things before other people do.
- he mentions weariness, and this ties into how i was feeling last week after the redefine site was put up. i was basically thinking that it — everything i was doing — was completely pointless because it is not reciprocated. the basic idea of the whole thing was that i need to get grounded. i need to get a deeper sense of myself so that i will have a firm foundation on which to grow these ideas that i have.
- my greatest ability is to be able to sit back and let things happen as they are and then cut in when the moment is right.
- that i should not only look forwards but look backwards… and not just inwards, but backwards. and not just personal backwards, but historical backwards.
- lots of calling me a visionary. which is, i mean, totally awesome… and that i’m very good at executing ideas and visions. definitely got the sense that a lot of my ideas are not necessarily my OWN ideas, but that they were visions that i am simply carrying out.
- i am a force for “positive change”, with regards to meeting where the “collective unconscious” wants to go. seriously, those words were used.
- that i affect a lot of people, or inspire people to do small things.

PART TWO: PRACTICE
- so the whole time the list of theoretical things about me was going on, in my mind i was like, “where is the practical advice???” and of course it went there, and was phrased in a way i would phrase myself, as in, “so what can i do about this?” there were two “solutions”:
- meditation. “three times a week” or whatever i decide… he didn’t say meditation in specific, but said “sit,” which is interesting, since that is a buddhist term… but yeah. just pre-slotted times for sitting, and that i should envision myself growing roots into the ground while i do it (i did that last night and it was like an endless root tunnel going downwards… just one stalk… was interesting). i think it was with regards to this that it was stated very clearly that this was advice for me, and ONLY for me. it might’ve been something else, though, but i think it was with regards to this.
- looking into my ancestral past. i fucking knew this was coming the whole time which is totally crazy too, and it is something that has really, really been on my mind (no hints towards that at ALL when i was talking to shayne). said that i have a very, very, old spiritual family, outside of my immediate family, and that i should look into it to get a more solid foundation. because having that knowledge will give me the ease to know that it’s not just me, but that it’s something i have known for a long time. i mean honestly… it’s weird. i’ve been thinking about this stuff a LOT because i feel like the way i react to things is fairly “learned.” like… i just naturally am super taoist, and it’s truly without trying. it’s just the way i am. and it has no doubt been trained to some degree but it’s also just… a thing. has always been a thing. so i dunno if there’s taoism or buddhism or something in my past… i’d wager that there probably was just because of like, the fact that i’m chinese, but yeah. it’s curious. i’m working on figuring out how i can figure that out.
- solutions for family, because i had mentioned beforehand that i felt like family was the one part in my life that i felt not that amazing about, and that i had taken it upon myself to kind of change them and try to make them more positive people. the advice was… after i did the sitting, i would get a more solid sense of self, and that that would make it so that whatever negativity they threw my way would no longer matter because i was so rooted in myself. and that being rooted in oneself allows for the expansion of one’s compassion, and that i would grow more compassionate because of it, so that the compassion would actually take me to another level where things that they would do and say would be beyond me, basically. that is f a s c i n a t i n g and definitely the best advice ever, and things i have considered doing, but so good to have it given as kind of a directive so i actually have more incentive to do it.
- it was also noted that i should not pay attention to the immediate family who are stuck in decision-making through “fear,” because they are not my true spiritual heritage, essentially, and that there is more to be found in my spiritual lineage.

PART THREE: REFLECTION
- time for questions. says that i should ask anything because that’s what he’s there for. one of the questions i asked was how to balance a sense of ego versus a sense of doing things because i felt like i should do them because i’m in a position of power to do them. i zoned out partway during the response, unfortunately, but the part that did stick with me was the idea that, you are not better than anyone else. you are just doing these things because that’s your soul’s desire, and other people don’t have the same path of desire. i also really wanted to ask some joking question but didn’t for some reason. also asked about my spiritual family, and what that meant exactly, and what their role was. i forget the response.
- i am on the right path.
- “love is good.” but make sure you can ask for what you want. which is totally interesting because that is definitely the only problem, really. and that i make sure that we grow together spiritually as opposed to separately. with a stress on spiritually.
- dude wants me to contact him directly, which from the sounds of it is super rare. he basically said, “i want you to know that you can talk to me anytime.” supposedly i should just, when sitting, try to ask questions and not try too hard, and if the answers come, then they come and i’ll have known they come from him, and if not, i just didn’t do it that time. which is um, interesting, and super taoist… seriously though, everything that has been coming up lately in life is the most taoist ever, including recent classes doing tai chi and the whole approach to that…
- he explained the “scene” he put himself in as the last thing. the water he was stirring described my unconscious, which he was stirring up so that i would notice it.

anyway, i think that’s enough for now.

i am on a fence.

i’m listening to… radiohead.

went up to seattle this past weekend and had a really good time. it felt so good to be up there, though i can’t remember the last time i was up there. this entire year has felt like an eternity, and while i think i definitely have been back there sometime within the past six months, it feels like a foreign entity now… and i suppose it rather makes me sad.

when i first went up, i checked my long overdue po box and it was majorly filled. beginning to feel bad about even having one and doing so minimally with it, but whatever…

i’m in a weird mental state today, as it goes. having some relationship weirdness that is partially me, partially him, partially difficult surrounding circumstances. no fun………………..

i rideshared up to seattle on thursday with some random lady offa craigslist. she was really into astrology, which i found surprising because it seemed that she was [possibly] easily weirded out / bummed out on people. she had said that she picked me because i seemed the least creepy and said that some people who wrote back seemed creepy just because they would give one line emails or something. maybe i just have a high creepster tolerance. i dunno. found it was interesting that she worked in non-profit mental health-related stuff and was weirded out, though, cause i seem to feel like that kinda employment is kinda built for a “anything goes” mentality, but perhaps not. oh yeah, she was a sagittarius, too, and was basically using me as relationship counselor… which is totally fine… she is just basically in the midst of a break-up with her boyfriend of eight months or something, and, well, yeahhhhhhh. we kept starting to talk about other subjects and then she would bring it back to relationship stuff, so i just kinda figured that she really -neeeeeeeeeeeeded- to talk about the crap. so it goeth.

met up that night with rachel and ryan for dinner at purple dot, and it’s just funny because they hang out a lot now. went to ryan’s afterwards and did i can’t remember what whatsoever cause it wasn’t particularly interesting… neighbor boys came over to shoot the shit and then eventually the nurses boys showed up after driving two straight days from minnesota or something. was nice to hang, and james, john, and i slept in the living room. sleepovers are the best thing… .. . oh but yeah they got their shit confirmed on some stupid t.v. show and were bummed because aaron’s family had told him that it wasn’t in the show. we watched the show the next day, and it turned out it actually was… it was just during some party scene and so quiet that it was barely even audible, and we knew what the song sounded like, too! ridiculous. and they made tonsa money offa it. ridiculous how much budget those people have. and the tv show was super dumb, about vampires and ghosts and dead ghosts kissing girls’ boyfriends. seriously. puuuuuuuke.

went to lunch with lenny in the afternoon and it was pretty great catching up. he has just recently come back from singapore and had $100-a-day budgets to spend on food. so jeally. went to an ethiopian restaurant called zobel and i actually thought i had already used my restaurant.com voucher but evidently not. it’s funny, i had purchased tons of their vouchers previously… one of the participating restaurants that had decided to no longer participate and i got a voucher in exchange. to redeem the voucher you needed to click on some link that said, “redeem voucher,” and i did that, but opened it in a new window. i exchange it without a problem. then i realized i didn’t close the o.g. voucher and clicked on it and opened it in a new window again… and it worked…! i could have done that probably an infinite amount (but i didn’t). funny, though. i still have tons of them. i’ll use them all sometime… maybe… still got like 14 more… went crazy one day…

the nurses show at the sunset was really fucking amazing. second to last show of their tour and they totally killed it so hard. best i’ve ever seen them. and seattlites were dancing and singing like mad!!!!!!! the show was really good. a lot of fun. and these two dudes on either side of me were giving each other really intense stares and i happened to be in the middle and was amused by them, and eventually, late on in the night, when the show was over, they were playing oldies music and the dudes made me do like ballroom dancing crap with them and were spinning me around and stuff and i have no idea how to do any of that stuff, so that was fun/weird… and they were like fighting and trading me off, jokingly, and it was pretty amusing for sure… what a fun time… i was in the most social mood ever that night and freaking was talking to tons of strangers and asking questions in the way i do when i’m feeling social. it’s weird how when i’m extroverted i am SUPER extroverted and don’t give a shit, and when i’m introverted i’m SUPER introverted and can’t talk to anyone (which was how i was last night at matt’s party at the church in portland… so did not want to be there and so did not want to talk to ANYONE… blargh… though there were compounding factors, in this situation…).

oh right, and i talked to the wife of the dude who mixed the nurses record and just randomly decided to ask her is she knew of anyone who did past life regressions (because she had slipped in a small comment about how there were faeries everywhere around us)… and she told me that she didn’t, but that she really wanted to do one, because she has had really vivid memories of past lives ever since she was younger… she said that in one of her lives she remembers it was 1290 or something, and that she was inside a stone house and she could look outside the front and the back, and some guy came and brought her furs in exchange for sex. in another one of her lives, she was like an 18-year-old in world war ii or something, and she said, “i wasn’t a hero or anything” — he had just gone to the front lines and gotten shot immediately and was dying. she said that the last thought in his mind was that he had a betrothed waiting for him at home, and that he felt horrible because she thought he was coming home but he would never be. fascinating.

troy and his band had gotten one a while ago from one of their friends, and i guess what the lady had told them was that the four of his band members had been together through many lives and always traveled together, but that he was not really a human? and that he was an akasic record keeper? but that he decided to be human because he found it more interesting, or something. fascinating. here is a summary of what an akashic record is, from wikipedia…

The akashic records (akasha is a Sanskrit word meaning “sky”, “space” or “aether”) is a term used in theosophy (and Anthroposophy) to describe a compendium of mystical knowledge encoded in a non-physical plane of existence. These records are described as containing all knowledge of human experience and the history of the cosmos. They are metaphorically described as a library; other analogies commonly found in discourse on the subject include a “universal supercomputer” and the “Mind of God”. People who describe the records assert that they are constantly updated automatically and that they can be accessed through astral projection[1] or when someone is placed under deep hypnosis. The concept was popularized in the theosophical movements of the 19th century and is derived from Hindu philosophy of Samkhya. It is promulgated in the Samkhya philosophy that the Akashic records are automatically recorded in the elements of akasha one of the five types of elements visualized as existing in the elemental theory of Ancient India, called Mahabhuta. In Buddhism it is taught one reason that people knew Gautama Buddha had attained enlightenment as a Buddha was because he was able to remember all of the details of all of his past lives by accessing them on the akashic records. The term akashic records is frequently used in New Age discourse.

i suspect that i definitely had some middle eastern associations personally. or egyptian or something. i wonder if/when i finally get one, they will tell me that. i just posted this question on facebook: “‎… suppose you were to hypothetically remember one (or more, if you please) of your past lives. What would you think you were?” — i wonder seriously if anyone will respond, haha.

anyway, after the nurses show… the lead singer of stupid really horrible band they were touring with (d_m_n_nt l___) came over to our place with some groupie and there was some canoodling in the freaking nasty ass bathroom — and ryan seriously has the most nasty bathroom. ughhhhhhh so gross. and it was like 4:30am and they were still there and we were all like wtfffffffff go awayyyyyyyyyy. and that groupie friend had another friend with her who was biting the bullet so her friend could be nasty and was definitely totally bummed, for good reason, of course…

anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. had a really long walk and talk with aaron and that was fun. we talked a lot about the subconscious being outside of time… he basically had a dream that turned lucid… and generally, when you’re lucid in dreams, everyone else is still kinda a dream person. in this particular dream, he passed a dream character and started a conversation with that dream character. he asked the dream character if they were bothered by his manipulating the dream environment, and i guess the dream character said something like, “honestly, yeah.” and aaron asked him what he was and how many of him there were and the dude said five billion or something. interesting. aaron’s conclusion is that dream life to him is almost just as important as waking life… cause the amount that you can bring conscious life into dream life (lucid dreaming) and dream life into waking life (just remembering it, in general) is almost about the same, and not one is more real than the other, really… it’s fascinating…………………….

anyway, i don’t know what it all means, but i feel great about my good friends and how everyone i am associating with is rather mystical these days. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know, but i think that it’s a generally good thing.

take this aldous huxley intro quote i just lifted from the perennial philosophy which i just picked up again:

“What we know depends also on what, as moral beings, we choose to make ourselves. ‘Practice,’ in the words of William James, ‘may change our theoretical horizon, and this in a twofold way: it may lead into new worlds and secure new powers. Knowledge we could never attain, remaining what we are, may be attainable in consequences of higher powers and a higher life, which we may morally achieve.’ To put the matter more succinctly, ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.’ And the same idea has been expressed by the Sufi poet, Jalal-uddin Rumi, in terms of a scientific metaphor: ‘The astrolabe of the mysteries of God is love.’…

The self-validating certainty of direct awareness cannot in the very nature of things be achieved except by those equipped with the moral ‘astrolabe of God’s mysteries.’ If one is not oneself a sage or saint, the best thing one can do, in the field of metaphysics, is to study the works of those who were, and who, because they had modified their merely human mode of being were capable of a more than merely human kind and amount of knowledge.”

— Aldous Huxley, The Perennial Philosophy

is it strange or egotistical to believe that spirituality only shows itself if one is a “good” person? perhaps… but from the people i know who seem to be privy to that knowledge, it certainly seems to be a true thing…? or maybe it’s just because those are qualities that come with a general openness. unclear. unclear.

oh also, last note. totally had the best fucking cupcake ever at cupcake royale. i always love cupcake royale but this was next level, even for them. a super light angel food cake-type cupcake with a whipped tiramisu cupcake (called the
“stumptown tiramisu cupcake” — this one is soaked in coffee, too…). i mean, seriously, like, the best cupcake i’ve ever had in my life. it’s so ridiculous. i mean, it’s so good i’m going to post pictures of it. i don’t do that shit, man. i don’t do that shit. SO GOOD. I AM GOING TO EAT IT FOREVER (the seasonal pumpkin cardamom one was OKAYYYYYYYYY).

subconscious idiot/genius.

i’m listening to… emil & friends’ new album, lo & behold. first time listening. haven’t decided what i think yet. interesting, yes, but i really loved the ep and this i am this far not that amazingly stoked on. dude is obviously talented as all hell, though, and doing something interesting, and i’m sure his live show hella kills…

i just woke up with some ideas that compelled me to actually physically wake up and do shit. ughhhhh i am ridiculous. see below for email i just drafted to gina because… my subconscious is so ridiculous!!!!!

so
as usual my subconscious is simultaneously being a major idiot and genius. for some reason, in one of my four wake-up-with-ideas states-of-mind this morning, i woke up with some idea for you to rearrange your room. clearly you don’t need to do this but i thought i’d pass it on…

i was thinking that if you turned your bed 90′ from the way it is right now, your bed could be used as some kind of couch for movie-watching, and where all your records are right now could go at where the foot of your bed is right now. the projector could go next to one end of your bed (the far end). would make your room bigger and your bed more a couch.

why the fuck am i thinking about this shit?

also kinda had to just wake up because i just had an idea for an art piece i would do. ugh. what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk! in any case, think i’ll pitch that piece to place sometime… woo sugars and candies and caffeines! makes the brain crazy but very productive! it’s sunrise outside right now! the sky is nice and pink and purple. looks pretty dope…

arf. arf. arf.

how was the rest of your night?

also, were t_____’ friends annoying yesterday? he apologized for their presences and that they were obnoxious, though i personally didn’t especially notice at the time…??

vivian

last night, we had a mini-party at our place that went til pretty late — like 2am or something — because rose and maddy are leaving. and cause i’m leaving for a month, a week from now. which is crazy!!! here’s the description originally posted for that party, although we didn’t end up bedazzling anything! i did manage to bust out the crazy shirt from camboria that lenny’s mom bought me, though, cause it is a hella bedazzled shirt with “burberry” written onto it in glittery rhinestones. pretty amazing…

hello fine ladies and gentleman residing in the greater portland area!!! if it would behoove you to join us for this eve of festive gathering and camaraderie, you would be very much a delightful and welcome addition.

vivian and rose shall be departing on a month-long cross-country road trip, beginning the 13th of september — which will culminate in rose “peacin out dis bitch whut whut”.

similarly, maddy shall also be “peacin out dis beeeeeyotcccccch!!!!!!!!!!!!” on the 11th of september, though her route will take her throughout the southwest and back to minnesota.

to celebrate their life growths, we iz sayin bai with potluck n dranx and steez. come by and hang oos.

OH YEAH AND BRING A PIECE OF CLOTHING N LEZ BEDAZZLE SUM SHIT. (YES, THERE IS A BEDAZZLER.)

BLING BLINGIN ENCOURAGED. THERE WILL BE STREAMERS, EVEN!

holla dolla. herndy verndy.

i also finally got robby and matt to meet, which i am particularly stoked about, since they both really like math and shapes, and are two human beings who i respect artistically to the utmost degree. both of their websites, respectively: robbykraft.com and mattleavitt.com (see also: interview with matt on redefine)

as i am currently sitting outside on our patio — it is 6:28am — i am being harassed by our local neighbor cat, aka (by shawn) scruffy cat. scruffy cat always wants the love and is totally cute as fuck, and i would be way more open to her hanging out and climbing all over me if someone would just cut her claws. she’s constantly scratching the shit out of me without meaning to, i’m sure, because she’s totally cuddly and all love. c’est la vie. man, troy has all the animals!! he has like three animals that are constantly running into his room because his door doesn’t latch. but that’s neither here nor there… just needed to say… it’s been quite a while since i’ve regularly associated with animals. it’s kind of nice.

might sublet prince rama’s apartment with rose, if they’re into it, and then i’d have a place in bedstuy in brooklyn, next to pratt, and that’d be hella rule. i think i’m going to have my apartment subletted too, so i would actually be saving money on rent and would have a dope part of brooklyn to live in (one i actually wanna explore, and really wanted to explore last time). this trip is coming together rad… all of a sudden a bunch of people popped out of the woodwork — acquaintances and such — who are contacts in detroit. also, a street photographer gave me a list of abandonments in detroit to check out, and was super glad to share. i’m excited as all hell. i haven’t taken photography for quite a minute because frankly, i just haven’t been giving a shit (seriously, that trip to vietnam turned me off on photography so hard even though i had some good images from that set)… but hopefully this time will bring me back to liking photography in the same way that i liked it when all-you-can-jet was going on a few years prior.

(side note: as of just now i’ve just added a new category to my sidebar: subconscious)

it was in a recent conversation that i discussed with rose that intuitive me knew “better” than reality me. she was skeptical about that and said it was dangerous, but i said it hasn’t proved me wrong yet. and it hasn’t, man. subconscious me has the BEST fucking ideas. meditative states and the spaces between sleep and wake are where i get the best ideas, easily, because waking me is way not that profound all the time. haha.

aaron and i had a conversation last week about that concept, as well, where aaron was talking about how maybe the fourth dimension was a connected interwoven “sense of everything being one”, which is interesting because i’m reading the tao of physics and i happened to pick it up again that day that aaron and i hung out, and in it it was simultaneously talking about how the fourth dimension for physicists was space-time, where time is on one continuum that is constantly flowing and constantly happening at once, and how for mystics, it is a “place” devoid of space and time, but is nonetheless moving forward. that same concept came up in conversation with troy and andrew last night, where troy was talking about how creation is what is constantly moving us forward in time — creation both in terms of human creation and universe creation — and it is something i intuitively feel. i lately had a conversation with andrew, after watching a documentary about the mayan interpretation of 2012, about what might potentially happen in 2012, should something actually happen. what i was talking about was a “balance” of sorts, because that’s what the mayans feel will happen, essentially, where an intuitive female power will start taking influence again, and the “western” mode of rational thought will stop being as dominating and important. i mean, if you look at the state of the world right now, it seems perhaps possible that the current trend of western hyper-logical thinking isn’t necessarily working on a global scale. and in terms of musical creations and artistic tendencies, there is definitely a return to less structured, intuition-based spontaneous creation without forethought. there is also a return to primalism of sorts. will all of this culminate at the end of 2012 into this insanely crazy shift of mental proportions? i dunno. it sounds crazy to believe that something might actually happen, but i feel it. but then again, this is what andrew said that his parents in the ’60s felt… that things seemed ever so crystal-clear to them and they thought, “if only everyone could get it and see things as we do…” but no one ever got it. but i dunno. that’s why i think 2011 is so bloody important and why there are many an idea in my head of things i need to accomplish by the end of the year (first and foremost being my book) because i feel they are important, particularly in this time, right here, right now. god, it feels crazy to feel that way. well anyway, back to what i was talking about. i was talking to andrew about 2012 being a potential shift in balance, and that that would perhaps lead to a small group of people who are intuitive and logically-minded to pave the way for positive change (like our group of friends right now… this is another thing that was recently touched upon… when we were at helsing junction, gina was reading a joseph campbell book, talking about cultural monads, and essentially, how, through the artist and music, we can make great cultural change because they are the ones who touch culture at large… and essentially, gina and i are doing this to some degree right now, along with many other people…) … … in response to this, andrew’s thought was… “if everyone becomes good, doesn’t that destroy the balance of all things?” and while i agree with that theoretically, i tried to give the example that although there is always the presence of good and evil in everyone’s lives, it is, after the existence of those things, a choice for one to figure out which route they would take in their own lives. the same set of circumstances thrust upon different people would yield different results. one might spiral downwards while another floats to the top. that kind of forward momentum is something that undeniably exists — the third aspect of what would otherwise be a duality. the third aspect is what makes the change, whatever that third aspect is. whether it be choice, or creation, or some kind of otherwise undefined forward-propelling momentum. (WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT GHHAHFHHHHHHGAHHHHH!)

other than that, jeff was talking to me last night about how a lot of writers who are nobodies, such as i, and him, get friends to act as publisher, and that these friends will support one another. publisher would basically be… your friend prints your book and backs your product because they feel it is important, and it’s less vain than publishing your own shit and trying to push it on other people. but the problem is my thing is fairly lengthy and i don’t exactly want a chapbook… i want a nicely bound actual book. we’ll see. perfect-bound shit is pricey shit, after all. and i know that some people publish through lulu.com but i haven’t properly researched that just yet.

anyway. lastly. i wanna share a small selection of photographs from helsing junction that rose recently sent me from our trip that past weekend, cause they are nice. if anything, traveling with rose for the next month is going to result in one million thousand photographs! holy hell!

oh, and, generally speaking, i’ve been loving on this song so hard (see my review)

OH YEAH and. last edit for the morning as it just hit 7:00am… and i should go back to taking a nap since i went to bed at 2:30am and shit…

THEY RECENTLY DISCOVERED A DIAMOND PLANET THE SIZE OF JUPITER!!!

i found out about it from troy through this time magazine article but funnily enough i just realized this one person is following me on wordpress (thx mang) and he wrote a pretty in-depth post about it, if you wanna check it out here.

in other news, my “tags” for each individual post are getting more and more “out there” with every entry… haha.

sagittarius sun / cancer moon.

me:

9-4 Sagittarius/Cancer
The combination of your Sun sign and your Moon sign yields a personality that is idealistic and very much the romanticist. You are a dreamer and a visionary. This versatile and sensitive combination blends the sincerity, optimism, enthusiasm and expressiveness of Sagittarius with the emotional depth, feeling and intuitive insight of Cancer. A desire to learn, with practical ability, suggests a flexible, versatile or adaptable expression of talent. An intuitive foresight guides you and may keep you out of trouble in everyday affairs. An emotional awareness enables you to understand people, and know what it is they want. In business, you can actually sense the public trend or interests. An optimistic and enthusiastic nature vitalizes your feelings and emotions, and stimulates your actions. Because of your emotional nature you are prone to extremes. Control your excitement and enthusiasm. Don’t let emotions distort reason as they are apt to do. You can be somewhat impulsive in expression of your feelings or sympathies, and consequently, your choice of friends is sometimes based on how you feel rather what you know about an individual. You do better when you are more careful and chose friends from those who have proved to be reliable, honest and intelligent. Because of the nature of your Sun and Moon polarity, it is likely that emotional extremes or a tendency toward sensationalism can be a problem for you. You may often attempt to reach too high or strive for too much recognition. You succeed most easily when you combine your intuitive skills and develop a habit of steady concentration.
SOURCE

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO ACCURATE.

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lenny is the opposite…

4-9 Cancer/Sagittarius
The combination of the Sun in Cancer and Moon in Sagittarius blends the contradictory elements of caution, tenacity, and a need for security, with the much more outgoing Sagittarius tendency to be outgoing and independent. This pairing gives you a more sociable and progressive demeanor. You can relate to generalities and ideals, but on a more real and practical basis. You can inspire confidence in people. In your relations with others you demand absolute honesty. When you detect falsity and insincerity in your dealings with people, the sensitive and defensive side of your nature quickly appears. Petty jealousies and trite behavior repels you. You live more or less by your own set of rules, often trying to live up to some ideal or idol you have set up as a goal or inspiration. You are innately the philosopher in the way that you look at life and consider those around you. In many ways, you are a true “free spirit.” While you are extremely polite and tactful, you seem to have no difficulty being firm and definite. Communication is frank, open, and no one has to wonder where you stand on an issue. Weakness or timidity is rarely a problem with this placement.

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gina:

10-12 Capricorn/Pisces
The combination of your Sun sign and your Moon sign is harmonious and interesting. You have a receptive temperament and you’re strongly influenced by outside impressions and environment. You mix a very practical, serious and ambitious side, with a somewhat restless and variable personality. It may be hard, sometimes, for you to exhibit the firmness and steady purpose so often attributed to Capricorn. Often this is overshadowed by a sentimental and sympathetic touch to your nature. You have an intuitive insight that makes you very aware of the feelings of others. You have a rather serious and penetrating interest in life, and to you, most issues seem to have depth and complexity. Honest and trustworthy, you would never resort to trickery or deceit. You are thorough in your work and eager to know all you can about a variety of things. Your nature is very humanitarian and you are likely to be much less materialistic than many fellow Capricorn natives. In personal relationships, you need to exercise discrimination, overcoming a somewhat passive tendency that makes you susceptible to the influences of others.

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troy:

1-2 Aries/Taurus
The combination of your Sun sign and your Moon sign shows that you can combine forcefulness and enough tact to do pretty much as you please, and get away with it. For all the charm and dash of manner about you, there is a distinct layer of steely drive and determination. The aggressiveness and rough edges of Aries are softened and smoothed by the influence of Taurus. You can be an agreeable and polite person, with tactless behavior kept well in check. You have a curious way of appearing tactful even as you lay down the law and demand your way. There’s a “sugar and spice” way of driving your point home, and winning. You have a powerful magnetic quality, coupled with a very strong will and determination for leadership. All Aries are natural leaders, but in this configuration, there is more stability and more of a solid base to the operation. You think highly of yourself, though you aren’t one to make a show of this. Yet a pervading sense of your abilities is the foundation of your life. You’re never likely to suffer from an inferiority complex. You need to learn to rule without dominating and to adjust your desires to the happiness of those around you. Anyhow, regardless of your sex, you’re likely to be the dominate partner in your marital relationship, and you’ll try to control circumstances in nearly any situation you find yourself.

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i thought i was gemini rising but i need to figure that out again cause i iz not shorez.

oh dude, what…

crazy horoscopes of the past months… SOURCE!!!!!!

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AUGUST 2011.

You certainly have had a busy June and July, due to an eclipse in Gemini in your serious partnership / marriage sector (June 1); a total eclipse of the moon in your sign of Sagittarius, highlighting your own interests (June 15); and a third eclipse in Cancer, possibly changing your financial picture (July 1). You may feel over-stimulated and in need of rest, and if so, August will afford you that possibility. If you’d like to take a short break now, your timing will be perfect. [<< SEE POST BELOW, WTF.]

As August opens, the pace will be slow and easy. Mercury will go retrograde on August 2 until 26, and so ongoing talks and projects will stall. This is probably not news to you, for you already started to feel the gears of life grind to a gradual halt during the second half of July. With nothing of earth-shattering importance due to take place in August, it's time to head out in search of adventure. The new moon that fell July 30 opened up sensational long-distance travel opportunities, so if you feel you need for a change of scene, by all means take it. You have an extremely busy career life coming up in the late part of the year, so busy that it will be better to take time for yourself while you can.

If you cannot travel, the new moon of July 30 stimulated other areas that will continue to be very strong for you during the first half of August. You may be consumed with going back to college or graduate school for the coming semester. Or, you may be a college professor or teaching instructor working on a syllabus. You may be involved in a publishing or broadcasting project, or a legal matter. Any of these projects will go exceedingly well.

If you were born on November 29, plus or minus four days, you will doubly enjoy the gifts this new moon will bring you. This new moon fell in Leo at 7 degrees, so if you were not born on or near that date, you may have a planet in Aquarius, Leo, Aries, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Libra, or a rising sign at 2-12 degrees. In that case, if you do, you will also see benefits.

At the full moon in Aquarius on August 13 (at 21 degrees), you may travel again, this time to a place that would be much closer to home, perhaps within 200 miles. Neptune will be prominent, so you may choose a pretty spot near water. This full moon will be romantic and soft, for Neptune will carefully drop a veil over the weekend to create an enchanting time there. If you can hop in the car for a day or take an entire weekend away, go with someone you love. If you don’t have a romantic someone in your life yet, then you may travel to be with a family member or friend.

If your birthday falls on December 13, plus or minus five days, you will feel the positive, uplifting, and possibly romantic energy of the August 13 full moon the most. Also, as above, if you have a planet in Aquarius, Gemini, Libra, Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius, or have one of these signs rising, between 16 and 26 degrees, you will too.

Your career was ALSO revitalized by the recent July 30 new moon. Mercury is the ruler of your tenth house of fame and honors, and is currently visiting that house, but is about to move backward to your ninth house of travel, study, media, and legal matters. You may see delays in all these areas, including career matters. That new moon also signaled Pluto in your (second) earned income house as well as Jupiter in your assignment (sixth) house. Together with Mercury, the three planets formed a mathematically perfect golden triangle, hinting that you were soon to see vast improvements to your career and income situation. This new moon of July is only the first of a series of signals you will see, indicating with a little effort, bigger and more exciting developments are to come as you go along.

With Mercury retrograde until August 26, you’ll have to handle talks carefully. It would not be wise to accept a position either verbally or in writing during most of August, not until after Mercury is done being retrograde (August 26) and the new moon has a chance to appear on August 28. The August 28 new moon is simply sensational and will be the very best moment of the year for your career. I will tell you more about that in a moment, but first, we need to look a little closer at the professional opportunities the July 30 new moon will bring you.

Your income appears to have been a point of worry lately but if so, it will only be a temporary situation. You may have a few jolts before the fix comes, but I want to underscore to you that you are so close to victory, that I feel you should not get anxious! Last month, the July 1 eclipse either ended a source of income or replenished one. If you didn’t hear any news about money in July, you may hear something on the day that Mars will travel over the same degree of that eclipse, namely 9 degrees Cancer, on August 16-17.

ut a big red circle around August 16-17, for those are due to be vital days for news about your income, or for information concerning your other financials, possibly related to credit, a bank loan, severance, pension, commission, insurance payout, a mortgage, scholarship, financial aid program, inheritance, as a few examples. You may have to write a big check, or you may see money come in. The July 1 eclipse had stressful aspects associated with it, so alas, the news you got then, or will on August 16 or 17, may not be news you hoped to hear. Stay with me. WAIT – Don’t stand on the table – get down! I can hear you screaming, with your fists in the air – “Oh no, I am doomed!” No, no, dear Sagittarius, you are not! I have good news too, so be patient. I have a lot to tell you!

There will be two days that may make you tense about money, but realize that sometimes you have to have an expense or other glitch in order to motivate you to find a solution. That situation seems to oddly apply here. I want to tell you everything so that you don’t pick the wrong day to have a big talk with your soon-to-be ex about dividing money in a divorce, or to keep you from picking the wrong day to ask for a raise from your boss. I HAVE to warn you because I am your friend. When it comes to money, things will start to turn to your favor at month’s end, so keep that in mind as you read this.

The first thing may happen August 9, when Mars in Cancer will be at hard angles to Uranus in Aries. An unexpected expense is likely to come up at this time. It’s most likely related to something personal, like money that you would need to give for care for your son or daughter, or to afford to pay your doctor for a pregnancy, or to pay for a lighter goal, such as to take a vacation or participate a social event.

The next day is more difficult, August 11, when Mars will oppose Pluto. On this day you may find you are in a battle with a demanding person who wants you to agree to terms you don’t like at all. An opposition is a separating influence, so you may feel forced to forge a new arrangement. Hang in there – you are about to get a good aspect.

Now, the good news about your finances! Things are about to change, dear Sagittarius. On August 18, Jupiter, your ruler, in your assignment sector, will receive an exciting beam from Mars in your eighth house of other people’s money. These types of funds will be your area of gain: commissions, loans and lines of credit, licensing fees, mortgage and refinancing plans, inheritance, cash gifts and the like. This should be a day when you hear of a new project or piece of business that pays well and that has many elements you like about the work itself.

I have saved the best news for last. When it comes to work and money, things will get even more exciting with the new moon of August 28. When I saw the aspects associated with this new moon last year, when I was writing my Year Ahead 2011 calendar, I practically fell off my chair – the August 28 new moon stood out as truly one of the jewels of the year.

What makes this new moon of August 28 so unusual and special is that the new moon will fall in your tenth house of fame (in Virgo, 5 degrees) and send a shimmering golden beam to Pluto in your house of salary, and to Jupiter, in your house of day-to-day projects. Taken together, it’s clear the professional position that will open up for you will be prestigious (the new moon, Sun, and Venus), be something you love to do (Jupiter, giving great working conditions), and best of all, it will pay generously (Pluto). Of course, you have to do your part to unearth this job, but it will be fairly easy for you to do so.

All planets will be in earth signs, so you’ll need to take a practical, realistic approach, but you will do that, and that’s why you will succeed. While you love to think big and can be perfectionist about your work, your new position will require you to still do your very best WHILE you work within parameters, such as budget and time constraints – and you seem fine with that. You will have two weeks in which to find your dream job, as the new moon will be very strong at that time.

Looking down the road, Mars will be enlivening this same tenth house professional area of your chart starting November 11 and continuing for months. Also in November, you will have a friendly solar eclipse in Sagittarius on November 26. All in all, it appears a new life is shaping up for you, dear Sagittarius. You are on the beginning of a huge cycle that is only beginning now, and from now on, it’s onward and upward. This is a wave you’ll be glad to ride, and if you had any setback in the past year, you will see it was only part of the plan, for it freed you to pursue something infinitely better.

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JULY 2011

Your life must seem like a movie these days, with plenty of action and more than a few unexpected twists and turns to the plot. The eclipses last month, the solar eclipse in Gemini on June 1 and the total eclipse of the moon in Sagittarius on June 15, put you in the spotlight. It’s no wonder you feel life is moving along rapidly these days! So, dear Sagittarius, what do you, our hero or heroine, do next in life? You get to decide, even though you may, at times, feel completely at the mercy of the fates.

Even though you may feel you are at the mercy of fate lately, you have more control than you think you do. It’s just that the universe likes to throw a few obstacles in your path from time to time to test your resolve. It would be a very boring story if things always stayed the same or always were sunny and bright. You’d have no room to show your character, resourcefulness, and determination! Now you do!

You have been blossoming into a new and improved version of yourself for some time, and if you were so absorbed in what you were doing that you hardly noticed that you were changing and evolving, you will get a chance to correct your self-image now. In weeks ahead, you will begin to see yourself in a whole new light. Chances are, you will be delighted with what you see.

If you are now weighing different options, unsure about whether to go forward or stay where you are now, be comforted in knowing you will have time to decide. The eclipses that are now falling in the signs of Gemini and Sagittarius will continue to do so every six months until May 2013, and there will be many opportunities to make substantial changes in your life. If you don’t feel ready to make a move now, do nothing. You will know when you need to move.

I will summarize briefly what came up last month, because more news will follow on those topics now due to the current orbit of Mars.

The new moon solar eclipse on June 1 was a friendly one, and for Sagittarius, brought up the idea of forming a serious partnership soon, whether in love or business. Mars is currently activating these discussions, so because Mars is the planet of action, if you feel ready, you will make a commitment soon.

Mars will go over the precise degree of the June 1 eclipse, on July 6.

Watch this date for news involving love, marriage, and business alliances.

The June 15 total eclipse of the moon in Sagittarius was to crystallize your own needs quite lucidly, so you may have had an epiphany at that time. Sometimes we really don’t know what we want, so an eclipse comes by to help us clarify our thinking and revamp goals.

Mars will move over the same degrees of the eclipse of June 15, on June 26. Watch that date for news that relates to the very personal side of you, and to the discussions you had last month.

If you would like to re-read your last month’s description of the eclipses, you can scroll down here and you will find them under my Summary and Dates to Note. It’s found above the PS (post script) of my announcements that I post every month. You can always read the former month’s Astrology Zone forecast (I am not sure if you knew that.) This month we made the link bigger and easier to see, so you can find it more easily.

It would be best to make any key decisions you need to make now rather than wait until August, because Mercury will be retrograde all month. Because Mercury rules thinking and will be in a weak state when retrograde, you would be best to act (or at least strategize) now rather than put things off. Of course if you are not sure what you want to do, then wait! There is no rush.

If, in July, you should find you are not getting along with your sweetheart, live-in lover, or spouse, or are not happy with your business partner, agent, or other business collaborator, it’s because Mars will be busy bringing latent issues up to the surface so you can air them. The universe knows that it must not allow hidden resentments to fester, so even if you had no plans to talk about a matter that has been troubling you, Mars will get you to blurt it out, or similarly, get your partner to speak up.

If you feel the problem can be solved, you will see that to be true and work on it. If the two of you are not compatible, you will see the truth in that, too. You are coming to a time when you must decide about your relationship and either work to fix things that are wrong, or leave it altogether – the universe does not tolerate the status quo. If you are in a good strong relationship, you will have nothing to fix. In that case, you can be joyous and plan your next step together, to make something more of the relationship.

No matter what your status, Mars, now in your seventh house, will give more dominance and control to your partner. This is temporary, and you will see a subtle shift of energy in a few weeks to a more even partnership. For now, you will get farther by compromising and being conciliatory.

If you are not in a love relationship, nor have any business partner, then you may find that in general, other people around you, say in a team situation at work, for example, will have more power to control events and the course of the project than you do. This is true, but only for now. This imbalance will change soon, but for now you will need to go along with the thinking of the group rather than try to get your own ideas approved in pure form for the others to follow. Your day will come – be patient for now.

On July 1, we will have a third eclipse, and this solar (new moon) eclipse will be in Cancer, the last of a long series of eclipses that first began in July 2009 and that arrived every six months. These eclipses are changing your finances from the inside out, and thinking back over the past two years, you will see at certain points, this is true. The main topic of this eclipse will be “other people’s money” – by that I mean money you hold with another person or entity – and those types of funds are covered by the eighth house. This is the area of life you will be focused on quite a bit in weeks ahead.

Eighth house money rules such things as commissions, insurance payouts, mortgage, refinancing plans on mortgages, venture capital, taxes, inheritance, court and divorce settlements, loans, credit, child support, scholarships, severance, and the like. This is the area you will be thinking about. Even if you have nothing going on in any of these areas, you will still need to be vigilant, because, say, you might have identity theft or, conversely, you could win a prize, say, from a charity raffle. This house also covers both. Although it is possible to have good news, I tend to think there will be some tension and pressure emanating from this area, either with the good news or because something will go off the rails.

Although most of the time the eighth house will bring news about money, occasionally an emphasis will bring a sudden need for surgery or dental work. If this happens, just shrug it off and quickly take care of whatever comes up. Eclipses expose weak links – in our bodies, in relationships, in a financial matter – you name it. Be glad to know what it is, and take steps to shore things up.

The reason I am concerned about this eclipse is that it comes with a group of planets that will be angry at each other and refuse to help one another. This means that all of us, below, will feel the giant planets thumping around, and we will feel the fallout from their bad behavior.

These rogue planets will seem like a teenage street gang hankering for a fight. Planets in cardinal signs are very urgent and insistent – they like action, not debate. The planets involved include Pluto in Capricorn opposite the Sun and eclipse in Cancer, 9 degrees. Pluto’s position tells me that someone might be forceful with you when it comes to a financial matter, and perhaps give you a hard time, nearly forcing you to accept certain terms. Uranus will be in Aries and Saturn in Libra, both in cardinal signs too, adding more tension from opposite positions in the sky and 90 degrees away from the Sun, new moon, and Pluto.

With Uranus and Saturn in the mix, you may feel great financial responsibility for a child, or you may feel a great responsibility to help a friend in crisis. Conversely, you may need money to fund a creative, community, or humanitarian project. It may seem hard to hold everything together, especially with so little cooperation from others. You may even be shocked by what you discover, especially when you see how little character someone close to you may show you.

You will be the one to find the key to solve the problem that is exposed, so take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. Relying on others seems useless now, but fortunately, as a mutable sign, you have enormous resourcefulness and can come up with imaginative solutions that no one else seems capable of offering. People will keep telling you how strong you are – you wish you didn’t have to be, but they are right!

When a challenge comes up on a new moon, it tends to take weeks or even months to fully solve and be done with it. Things do not wrap up as quickly as the ones that come up at a full moon or a lunar eclipse – those deliver their messages fast and finish up just as fast. Have patience and work through things as best you can. All eclipses have a second act, so more news and information should be forthcoming. Watch the moment when Mars moves over the degrees of this eclipse, August 16-17 plus or minus one day.

At the full moon of July 15, plus or minus four days of this date, you will focus on another financial concern – specifically, a salary negotiation, a large purchase, or a check you need to send to fulfill a major obligation. You will quickly attend to this matter and quickly settle it, but it seems to be a big focus at this time of the month.

Fortunately, as the month progresses, it gets easier and kinder. You have a fantastic new moon to look forward to on July 30, and in weeks ahead it may open possibilities for exciting, distant travel and in other areas, too. The prospect for a journey always makes a Sagittarius excited, so this new moon should go a long way to bringing back an optimistic outlook in you!

If you can’t get away, you may be offered the chance to work on an important project with clients overseas. Or, it may be that a broadcasting or publishing project comes up that thrills you. This trend is all about intellectual development, so you may find you’re about to go back to college or graduate school at this time, and if you are due to head to campus in the two weeks that follow this new moon, you’ll hit the jackpot for good timing. You will love your experience this semester!

Legal matters should do really well too, so perhaps good news will reach you within days after this new moon.

I am excited about this new moon because Mercury, ruler of your house of fame and honors, will reach out to your ruling planet, Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, and to powerful Pluto, all three in perfect, rare harmony. They will form a golden triangle in the night sky, which is called a “trine,” making this a standout new moon of 2011. This bodes so well for you, because whenever Jupiter and Pluto are together, it is a signature of big thinking and big success! The saying goes, don’t think local, think global, and this applies to you now!

If your birthday falls on or within four days of November 29, you will benefit most from this glorious new moon.

Keep in mind, however, that next month August will bring many delays, for Mercury, planet of communication, and also the planet that rules your solar tenth house of career, will be retrograde. You won’t be able to reach most VIPs for needed approvals, nor get any major deals done. Don’t push for answers, for any new project or position you commit to in August is likely to be doomed.

Ha, ha, I actually wrote “doomed” just now – I’m being quite clear, fervently hoping you will wait until September to crystallize your most important agreements. Projects accepted, or relationships started, with Mercury retrograde always have to be renegotiated later, and that is presupposing that you would even want to bother to continue them, which is doubtful. More likely, you’ll be counting the days until you can get OUT of a contract, project, or deal. Do yourself a favor – cool your jets until September.

Do not shop for any electronic items or expensive items in August either; buy those pricey items now (allow a few days space between the day you shop and July 1) or else wait for September.

Romance will improve at July’s end too, as Venus will tour fellow fire sign Leo beginning July 28 to August 21. With Mercury retrograde next month from August 2 to 26, it seems you may reignite a former relationship with someone with whom you lost touch. See what happens – this could work, because Mercury likes to see you make more from relationships you have already started, rather than begin new ones.

Be sure to read your Summary and Dates to Note, down below. Lots of big things are brewing for you, dear Sagittarius!

ohhh man.

there are brutal things which need to be said, from us, to someone else, and it seems, well, brutal.

a couple weeks ago, or something, i had a dream. i awoke from it thinking that the synchronicity and madness related to all that would be coming to an end. as of last week, post the waterfall, it feels that it has indeed come to an end. it feels that it has come to an end, the morning after the horoscope (jupiter) reading. whatttttttttttttttttt. life has returned to normal, for the most part. and if that’s the ending point, it’s clear, and i have the perfect amount of work to do to wrap my book up. pure and utter insanity.