past life regression.

Just got a past life reading from Ashlyn. Currently sitting in a park in Oakland getting super sun-baked as I’m writing this. People are debating over philosophy stuff, and I am getting bored, so I am cutting out! Cutting ouuuuuuuuuuut.

Summary of how it went down (as lifted from some other website):

The reading begins with a rose reading. The rose is a symbolic representation of your current spiritual growth cycle. A rose reading offers a rich overview of major themes in your spiritual growth process.

Then the reader looks at the seven layers of your aura. In each layer, the reader sees different colors and identifies which colors represent your own energy and which colors are unwanted energies. Often just by recognizing that something is not your energy, you can begin to release it and move forward.

Alright, so to go over the past life reading. It began with Ashlyn getting into a trance for about fifteen minutes. Then it began with a Rose reading in which she visualized a rose. The petals, she said, were 65% open, which meant… I forget. The center of the rose was my color – a bright, rich orange – and she said that there were pieces of pink trying to encroach upon it, trying to suffocate it and swallow it up, thinking that it was the orange energy when in fact it was an outside energy. She asked it to leave and said it felt much better. Then it was analyzing the sun, which was at 11:45 or so – almost straight up above the rose, which meant that I was almost directly on my spiritual path but just slightly short of it. She said that the stem of the rose was extremely long, “to the end of the page,” she said, which basically meant that I have been around since “the beginning of the game.” Towards the bottom of the page was a black energy – a negative or stagnant energy. And she moved it a little, and beneath that was a clump of karma. The clump of karma, as she zoomed in to study it, was a picture. Set in a jungle, very clearly, with myself in an ancient culture. She said that perhaps it was something Incan. Apparently, I was a an Incan princess of some sort, high up in power and rank, and very influential. But I guess the time came where I was tested and was supposed to show my power over a set of poorer and less powerful citizens. Rather than stepping up and being powerful and showing my reign, I decided to run away and to live an isolated existence, as a “Robin Hood,” of sorts, she said. The dark energy referred to a man who I knew at the time who caught me as I was to leave, and because of a deep love and care we had for one another – I am uncertain of whether it was romantic – he let me leave but was extremely sad that I had to. After I left, he was extremely depressed about it – and that depression later turned to anger, which resulted in him lying around stagnantly, waiting for me to return, or come back. That gave me a bit of guilt – guilt in having to leave people behind in order to do my own thing. The overarching message of this – why my “spirit” pulled in this scene at the time – was because it was focused on the topic of isolation, and of me having to do work that is important to me, even if it is solitary or lonely. As you’ll see from my previous post, this is very much a thing that has been on my mind lately – the conflict between what I feel I have to do and the lack of reciprocation for doing the things I feel that I have to do. This was definitely a theme that came up over and over again.

Next, we’re looking at the stem of the rose, and there are two leaves, one on either side of the bud, just slightly below it. Evidently, these are agreements that I made with two other beings to be a mother figure to them – and those are agreements I can choose to acknowledge or not.

Slightly below the leaves was a shining and vibrating past life, which Ashlyn went in to study. This past life showed me working on a field, alone, with children on my back. I guess I was happy, but at the same time unsettled, a bit lonely. I enter the house. My husband is not present, and Ashlyn gets the sense that my husband has gone off to war and has perhaps passed away; and I feel that moment perhaps intuitively but did not realize it in a serious sense, because I had not yet gotten actual wind of it. She then said, this sounds weird, but I see you putting down the babies and leaving. I’ve decided to go and leave to do the personal work I need to do – and to not do the work that I feel like I am perhaps forced to do? A lot of isolated work. My whole being wants to do work that is important to me, but so, so lonely…

Moving on, she went to do an aura reading for me.

1) BODY.
It began at the root aura, which was a orange color. Again, there was an encroaching energy that wanted to swallow me up. This first one was something like what is expected of me versus what is me, and the encroaching energy – the same as before, very female, possibly that of my mother – really wanted me to be a certain sense of female that was very traditional, calm, “beautiful,” submissive, whereas my entire being was very strongly against that sense of female… still very female, she said over and over and over again – this was the overarching sense… that I was a different kind of female energy – but still very assured and strong. She said it was extremely intuitive of me to think that what was necessary at this root was a very feminine energy (?), but in an a traditional sense… feminine but not in the stereotypical way, at least in terms of the appearance and body.

2) EMOTIONS.
Emotion. Extremely sea-green in color, ebbing and flowing easily, and very , very clear. She said it was cool and the clearness basically meant that I will accept things as they come, and that they’re fresh, very fresh, always living in the now and never in the past or in the future.

3) ABILITY {?}
The desire to share with others my work, to share the goodness of the world. I don’t remember much more about this, unfortunately. Something about how the things I do hold the “back lines” so that other people can build on top of this. Also a small reference to my magazine in there, I think. Also some reference to sadness, and about how there is a bit of sadness in knowing what I have to do but realizing that it is also a very, very isolated thing.

4) AFFINITY.
A lavender energy, that was very subtle but wide-spreading, very diffused but self-assured and nice. Holding the space between the voids, and the whole sense of holding ground for other people – subtly – is a sort of healing or accepting potential. So that people who see me and meet me and don’t really understand this type of energy may think that I am cold, but that those who do understand it gravitate towards it and understand it. Feminine energy, again.

5) COMMUNICATION.
An understanding that the dark spaces are vital to see the goodness, the depth of goodness. This is a magenta, which then turns into a very bright orange over the course of the reading. Energy movement. There is a hint of martyrdom, where I take it upon myself very heavily that I need to do certain things. Full of depth which is pulled from finding the goodness that comes out of dark places. The color changed because a lot about how my being listens to people and at one point only took in the energy and were sitting on it, rather stagnant, and finally was able to be a little more playful about it – a little ready to let that seriousness go to instead laugh from people’s stories, to receive an amusement out of it… to have be a slight bit more of a give-and-take to make it rather less tiring.

6) HOW ONE SEES THE WORLD.
An extremely light blue color, kind of, that is denim-colored, lighter than royal blue but darker than the sky. This is the one place where I am less serious and more open, the place in my chakras and my life where I am so light, like air, and less heavy. In all other aspects, I take work extremely seriously, but in this aspect, I think that the world is just full of goodness that I want to share it with people, and taking in things from the world rejuvenates me. I can pop up into the air at times to pull things from that, past a purple border line… a border line I want to erase and lighten, so that I can pull the lightness into other layers.

7) HOW THE WORLD SEES ONE.
A lot of vibrating energy, where people had their eyes of me, kind of, but were basically waiting to see what will happen. An extremely, extremely slow build of energy where people are studying, and are curious, but are not necessarily extending a hand. They’re just waiting to see where I go, certain that I have power but not sure how to efface with the power. And she says I like that. I like that people don’t always know how to approach me, and that those who actually do are the ones that keep around and decide are important and ones who are on the same page. She says that there are three groups of people that I am somewhat looking towards, which does not include the Swahili household, because they are already here, already present.

And here Ashlyn asks if there’s a question I want to ask. I ask if there’s a group of people that I am looking towards – who they are, and where they are in my life. She says that me – as a rose – looking at the Swahili group of people (she reassures me that she is double-checking this scene to make sure she is not being biased) up and towards other people. She says that there are three groups of people, but that there is one group in particular that I am looking to… because the Swahili household are my partners people, who I get along with, but they are not MY people, and I am all the time looking for MY people. She thinks that out of three groups, there is one group that stands up stronger. They are led by a male leader of some sort, and I can think only of Chris, and instantly thought of it because of the exchange that we had yesterday. She says that with this group, they are waiting for me to show up and to step into the role, but I am in the meantime trying to figure out what that role is. She says that perhaps they are more activist-like, that they are undergoing projects which are a little more political or scientific. I am not sure what this is – and not sure if this fits them – but what she does think is that this group will help out the Swahili group a lot, and there may be some clashes because of that, but that ultimately both groups will benefit from each other. It’s interesting because after our last experience seeing Chris’ band, what we discussed was that they were more rigid, more structured in their songwriting. Swahili would be the more artsy, the more jammy end of that. But in my mind they are such similar human beings, and such similar life interests and goals… and really kind of similar music, in a sense… but yeah, Ashlyn got the sense that this other group – which will be really important for me, but not in a romantic way – will be extremely beneficial for Swahili and will help them out a lot, and vice versa. And man. After my conversation with Chris yesterday, I’m definitely extremely curious to see if this comes to light… I don’t know if he is on the same page as I am, but I am sure that he understands where I am coming from; he replied to my email yesterday where I sent him the Swahili tracks, signing off with “It’s a feeling,” and that he felt honored that we were able to exchange brain spaces in such a way. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s weird; I feel like in some sense they are people I neeeeeeed to know. We’ll see how that pans out.

That was the end. All of it blew my fucking mind! Will fill in the blanks, in red, after today.

my default mode is so ridiculous.

when i got my spirit guide reading recently, i was told that i need to meditate more so as to regain my strength because i get easily discouraged when i don’t. it’s true. the discouragement comes from when there is a disconnect between what society says i should be doing versus what i do do, which is what i tend to do, mostly without question. but then there are issues that people bring up that sometimes shake my foundations when in fact, a lot of the time, my foundations are mostly fine enough that they shouldn’t be questioned that much.

take, for example, the issue of troy and van, where every girl ever says, “i don’t understand how you can allow that to happen,” and such and such, sometimes even going as far as saying, “you are a saint.” they simply can’t fathom how my boyfriend can be living in the same house as, playing in the same band as, remaining best friends with, his ex-girlfriend. and to be sure, it is hard, but it’s mostly hard when others plant these doubts into my mind. in actuality, it’s not nearly as hard as people think it is.

so it is right now with my doing stuff to help their band. it’s my fucking default mode! i can’t help it! it’s like a project i’m working on — only it’s not my project. but my mind moves really fucking fast at connecting dots, and it’s just something that happens. i probably think more about what i can do for their band than a lot of them do, just because i have the connections — i know the people i want to show it to who might like it, because in some ways, showing music to people who will like it is my job… so that’s just a thought i drift towards, really, practically without thinking. but when this happens again my mind thinks, “what are you getting in return?” because that is always the crappy programmed response a lot of people have when it comes to this type of shit. or, that’s what society tells you should think. perhaps it’s not unfair for me to want things in return… or perhaps it is. i can’t tell! i really can’t! i don’t know if it’s because other people are more selfish or lazy that they can’t give back similarly, or if their brains simply don’t think of ways to give back in the way that my mind is constantly thinking about that shit. i dunno. it’s a weird scene. regardless, i’m pretty certain i can get their record signed to a pretty alright label — domestically and internationally — so it’s definitely a project. and i guess if i keep doing their video stuff i certainly have carved myself out a niche within their musical sphere. so i guess that’s the benefit i get from it, potentially; but it’s only funny because it’s a benefit that’s… how do we say… kind of like piggy-backing but not really… and kind of it’s a benefit that i’m making for myself, as opposed to a benefit that i’m given. well, i guess in some ways i’m given the trust to do it, so that’s a thing. i’m not sure. it’s unclear. it’s ouroboros, haha. i mean, i guess if i help get them fame and then i get fame through video shit, it works. it’s like paying dues, or something? fuck if i know. argh, society, why you gotta always hold us down! seriously, though, i can see why people just drop out of doing anything they “believe” in. have a weak enough sense of self and shit is just harrrrrrrrrrd. it’s hard to convince yourself to want to do things you believe in all the time. who knows when they’ll pay off. my crap better pay off soon.

this is day three of tour. san francisco at the hemlock was cool. saw ian and feelings — rad as always. swahili made a buncha money. skipped santa rosa show to hang out at home, which was apparently a good deal, because apparently santa rosa sucks and they played with a band named gay henry who apparently also sucks. i’m getting a past life reading today from swahili’s friend ashlyn, and i am also bringing back a shit ton of food that mom made for group lunch picnic in the park or something. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. it’ll be a good day in oakland. i set them up with a show with clipd beaks this evening. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. chris gave us a buncha suggestions for santa barbara (tomorrow). i’m stoooooooooooooooooooooked. also hoping he will like the new swahili tracks cause i just sent them to him! my new record label goal for them is seriously this: secretly canadian (or something else just as significant, like 4ad < my original goal).

anyway, i think i wrote this to reassure myself that i should just keep doing the shit i do by default because it is done in good taste, and i feel strongly that i should do it, so therefore, it is right, even if on occasion it makes me hella fucking jaded. so it goes.

yo gurl gotta get dem chubz on lockdown.

fucking winter, man.
fucking holidays.
sooooo fat.
diet!!!
diet!!
diet!

looking at my recent past page of posts, it seems like there’s nothing that’s not about metaphysical mumbo-jumbo. rest assured there are actually some posts about normal things; they’re just private because they’re about relationship stuff and i wanna keep it to myself in case my boyfriend actually reads any of it (i don’t think he is reading this, though, or even know what the url is, but if so, hi troy! or as sherry said tonight as we were eating dessert — why rot! but then again, now that i’m actually looking at the spelling, it’s like totally wrong! shit!)

i’ve been back in the bay for a little over a week this time, and i barely left the house. kinda barely left the house last time, too, because i get such shit for leaving unless i just don’t explain what i’m doing! in any case. so yesterday and today was pretty much my only time that i actually got to hang with people for an extended period of time (that wasn’t holiday dinner). drove to napa to hang out with gina (surprisingly only a little over an hour; i somehow thought it was just the furthest place and really had no idea where it was) and had lunch with her sister and mom, then went to a coffee shop and had lots of metaphysical conversation with her friend ???? who might move to portland (seriously good conversation), and then drove to san francisco like two hours and a half late (because the conversation was so good) for cam’s pizza party and had a funny crush on his roommate and ate really good vegan pizza (daiya is fairly legit) and made a banana curry pizza and no one really was into it and thought it was “weird” — so unadventurous, guys!!! — and crap and shit and then today woke up at 7:00am because i had to pay for the meter then but had no godamn change and also i wouldn’t have been able to get back into cam’s apartment without waking him up ass early since it was in a locked building, so i just decided to drive to sunset where i would be interviewing an artist (got mad lost along the way), did a whole bunch of eavesdropping at a coffee shop (see post below) that was interesting because most of the crowd was older people reading newspapers {{ just got briefly interrupted by a half-hour phone call }} and it was like, man: 1) where did all you old people come from; 2) how come you guys are all reading newspapers, that’s crazy?? fast-forward. did interview for an hour-and-a-half and it went very well, met up with karla for a really rushed meal of vietnamese curry and salad stuff at mangosteen — totally good — met up with cam, gina, and gina’s mom at haight-ashbury and got mega bored of thrift shopping because they have some stores that specialize in like 20s, 30s, 40s-era stuff and all of that is well beyond me in terms of tastes i am interested in but gina is very slow at shopping, then went to meet up with phil and josh at the ferry building and watched them drink coffee and eat cookies. drove back with phil to the east bay, ate dinner with the mom and the sherry, and met up with xinlei for dessert. so fat. ughhh.

other than the past couple days, what i accomplished this time was basically a lot of writing, including b o o oo o o o oo o oo o o oko ok. all i wanna do is write, really.

goals for the 2012 new year, coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO FAT.

at the top of that list will be like, get in shape, jesus christ. but that’s everyone’s list, all of the time, but this is absurd. seriously.

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San Francisco, CA @ Java Beach (www.javabeachsf.com)

This seems like a fun thing to start doing since I’m at coffee shops all the time and love eavesdropping. This is just the snippets that fly in to me as I’m sitting in the corner of the room, not including the things I omitted because I was doing something else while they were happening. Will eventually be posted at http://www.ilovesocialexperiments.com

Favorite is EASILY the “$” man.

———————————————————————————————————————–

CAST:
# chinese guy 1 (in mandarin)
> chinese guy 2 (in mandarin)
@ barista 1 (female, 20s)
> barista 2 (male, 60+)
^ barista 3 (female, late 20s)
& customer 1
$ customer 2 (male, on phone, 50+)
! customer 3
* customer 4
+ customer 5
( customer 6 (dad)
) customer 7 (kid)
= customer 8 (female)
———————————————————————————————————————–

-DIALOGUE:
# “going to seattle is okay, it’s easy; going the east coast is tiring.”

& “i don’t recall seeing a hot dog under five dollars”

> “can she speak chinese?”

# “every year my house and mom’s house and sister, we look for a place and live together. this year, we went to cambria… christmas valley… yeah yeah yeah… very beautful… drive to school, not twenty minutes…”

@ “jasmine green tea?”

# “it’s okay, now they’re older. her friends are all chinese. my daughter’s friends are all white. it’s different.”

> “there’s no chance.”

# “too tired.”

> “your mom…”

# “yeah at home… taiwan… two year prior…”

@ “gina?”

@ “thank you so much”

# “yes, they’re anticipating they can pass the new year and then come… my two sisters…”

> “actually, she’s just… working…?”

# “she’s at a power supply…”

$ “talking about… so… gotta go to chicago… you gotta go to…”

# “uc berkeley. renovate their stadium. she began working at uc davis. transfer…”

> “she can ride the train…?”

^ “so we got two or something?”

! “do you have an um, spinach crossaint, too?

^ “is it heated?”

$ “knish! i think if you got it for five bucks, you cut it in half…”

# “’97 marriage… ’95…”

$ “fresh… fresh… fresh-roasted knish! that’s why it’s a fresh-roasted knish! so we can have a uh, whatchamacallit… okay, so how you’ve got the fresh-roasted knish… uh… you’ve got the uh…”

* “design versus maintenance… bay area…”

$ “fresh… oven…”

$ “you have a popcorn machine… pizza oven… popcorn machine… you have… i think that would be enough… and then you can always put… garden salad. what’s the garden salad? whatever you want… salad… side salad…”

+ “scan it in.”

$ “i don’t think that you should wait…”

$ “where i work… but i’m saying, charge five dollars… it’s four dollars… make less than…”

$ “make it look like a… you’re good at this, you’re… yeah! you’ll be… you’ll get… hit the hammer… hit the… “
^ “… nathan please?”

$ “why don’t you give that cup back…”

^ “kyle? large double latte for kyle, please.”

$ “got a lot…”

# “quick…”

$ “lot of people…”

$ “what’s next? you’ve got chili fries. chili dogs. in a little cup. french fries like that… it looks more…

> “…basketball…”

$ “and if you want a mcdonald’s…”

> “a… a… running player. so i participated… a few years… for five years, s/he ran three…”

^ “… nathan?”

^ “nancy?”

( “thank you”

) “… dad”

# “i went and have left for half a year…”

# “start a party…”

# “at boeing. is doing…”

@ “darjeeling?”

# “conversation. passenger size…”

# “him and his wife… same as me… marriage…”

@ “large double mocha for kyle?”

# “’84… at that time, i knew my wife. he and his wife met at work… i went to japan to play… he went to japan for a second…”

@ “two bagels for daniel?”

@ “berry tea”

@ “nicole? four shot large latte”

$ “after that it was all over. those two guys… yeah.”

# “before no. before, my sister… afterwards… when i lived with jeff…”

# “lauren lived downstairs…”

= “my uncle…”

^ “she’s no hazelnut hun. she’s no hazelnut! she’s a regular.”

my christmas menu, in its rawest form.

this is bits and piece of ideas for shit i was planning to do. some was successful, some not, whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

—

GNOCCHI
> 1 large sweet potato
> 2 medium yams
> 2 eggs
> 2 cups flour

PASTA SAUCE
> garlic
> extra virgin olive oil
> red pepper flakes
> parsley
In a large saute pan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and saute until light brown and fragrant. It’s important not too burn the garlic or else it will become bitter. Remove and discard the browned garlic. Add the red pepper flakes and saute for 1 minute. Carefully add the reserved pasta water and stir to combine. Place the spaghetti into the pan and mix well for 1 minute.
OR
> sa cha
> sundried tomato
> papaya
OR
> sa cha
> papaya
OR
> sa cha
> sundried tomato

SUNDRIED TOMATO POLENTA BITES
bites with…
> artichoke
> avocado
> lemon
OR
> scallop
> artichoke
> avocado
> lemon
OR

BAKED EGGS W/ CARAMELIZED MUSHROOMS
> 1/2 sweet yellow onion
> 2 cups mushrooms
> asparagus
> red pepper
> sundried tomatoes

BAKED KALE CHIPS
> lemon
> 2 bunches kale
> curry powder

> smoked paprika

i am such a hippie it is ridiculous.

i purchased a book for my parents. it’s called 14,000 things to be happy about, and is literally just a list of awesome things for one to be happy about. i am not happy about everything in this book, but there are things i am happy about, in particular.

my parents have a variety of health problems. they are getting old. they are asian parents. they focus only on the negative. i’m ever wanting them to try and find more beauty in life, but i know not how to even really breach this topic in a way they will understand. i have written them a letter this time around, and hope that they will understand it, though i’m not entirely sure. letter as follows. hopefully it works. god. i’m such a hippie. but really. this is what i can do when i have a relationship where i am kind of estranged from my parents… appreciate what they have done yet in many ways cannot stand being around them. not always, but… the number one reason i can’t stand being around them is negativity. they are infected by negativity. my mother, moreso. i just hope that they will be able to find some more positivity as they’re getting older and more feeble. they turn towards god, but they don’t necessarily find long-standing positivity in it, because they’re not finding it within themselves. i want them to be able to find it within themselves…

—

May 2011

Dear Mom And Dad,


Happy Mother And Father’s Day!


I realize that by the time you receive this, Mother’s Day may have already happened, and Father’s Day will not yet have. I hope
you will accept this joint present, as it is a token of my gratitude towards the both of you.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that I am a much more sentimental person than you both are. And I find it rather hard to discuss
these things in person, but I trust all of this will be much more clear in writing.

What I have done is gone through this entire book (in two days…!) -- and I will request Phil to do the same thing -- and marked
down the things I am particularly thankful for. The lines with the green squares represent things I am thankful for while the
ones with the green + marks represent those things I am thankful for, and also remind me of a memory of childhood, of the homes
we’ve lived in, or things we’ve done as a family.

Though this is a present, I have a request for you. I hope you don’t find it stupid, and I really hope you will honor it, both
for me and for yourselves.

Mom and Dad, please go through this book, at your own speed, and mark down the things you are thankful for.

This is, in a way, a philosophy-driven family art project.

The idea behind this is very simple. Everyone makes a special effort to be thankful during Thanksgiving when really we
should be thankful every day of our lives. And not just thankful for the big things, like taking a new breath every morning,
but thankful for the little things that we are constantly taking for granted.

This book will serve as a shared family document, to, in a way, help us learn about one another… the goal is to help us
understand what each of us appreciate about living and the world, as they are no doubt different things… and to visually see
 the things we have in common, the things we all care about in the same way.

To take some samples out of the book of things I’m really thankful for yet don’t think often about: dryer sheets, foreign
stamps, newsstands, the thought of leaving work and going home, giving a speech (that it challenges a part of you that would
not otherwise be challenged!), the act of entering a room and forgetting why…

In every one of these things, one might think it‘s kind of dumb. “Why would I be thankful?” one could ask. but my favorite
author, Vladimir Nabokov, just about sums it up in his book Pale Fire, with this quote:

“What if we awake one day, all of us, and find ourselves utterly unable to read?
I wish you to gasp not only at what you read but at the miracle of its being readable…”

As you guys are getting older, I understand that it might become easier to be bored by things. I hope that this book is
a start to helping you remember that boredom is only in one’s mind. EVERYTHING IS INCREDIBLE.


“C’est l’infini dans le fini.”
(Beauty is the infinite in the finite.
秀麗是無限的在有限。
-- Charles Baudelaire, French poet
(I hope that Chinese translation makes sense…)


Happy celebration of life. I do hope you will enjoy this book and understand that it could be a really cool thing
if you actually do the task I asked!

It requires very little effort, and really, the point is this: there is nothing more important, more healing, more
life-affirming… than appreciating and giving thanks! Hating the negative things is too easy. Let’s focus on the positive.

Thank you for the things you have done and will do.



Love,

Vivian

nausea.

i had been meaning to read jean-paul sartre’s nausea since it was mentioned to me, by an unmentionable human, that it is a must-read. when i went to sante fe, nim’s sister had a copy. i began reading it there, and from then on, had been looking for it in every bookstore i went to (of which there were many). seven or something bookstores later, it still was not to be found. this book is, evidently, really hard to find, and even harder to check out of the portland library system (which, frankly, kinda seems pretty bad).

finally, though, suburbia comes through. the alameda county library system has it. hoozah. so, it is my goal (i am 1/4 of the way into the book) to finish it before i leave, a week from today. i think it is quite doable, indeed.

anyway. i would not deign to say that i can relate to everything sartre feels in this book, though some rings familiar. of particular familiarity, however, is a passage which is today, ohhhh is it today. and coincidental, as well, that around the time i was reading this passage was around the time that is mentioned to be…

“Friday:

Three o’clock. Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. An odd moment in the afternoon. Today it is intolerable…

I liked yesterday’s sky so much, a narrow sky, black with rain, pushing against the windows like a ridiculous, touching face. This sun is not ridiculous, quite the contrary. On everything I like, on the rust of the construction girders, on the rotten boards of the fence, a miserly, uncertain light falls, like the look you give, after a sleepless night, on decisions made with enthusiasm the day before, on pages you have written in one spurt without crossing out a word…

A perfect day to turn back to one’s self: these cold clarities which the sun projects like a judgment shorn of pity, over all creatures–enter through my eyes; I am illuminated within by a diminishing light. I am sure that fifteen minutes would be enough to reach supreme self contempt. No thank you I want none of that… I yawn, I wait for night to come. When it is dark, the objects and I will come out of limbo.”

I don’t usually feel this way about the sun. I hardly ever feel this way about the sun, particularly these days, in California. But today, I feel it; I returned home from the dentist at eleven-thirty this morning, and I’ve pretty much done nothing. Not a damned thing. Not for all the lists of things that need to be done could I be roused to make even the slightest of useful moves. Sloth and disgust prevail this afternoon, and may continue to, until nightfall.

—

I no longer have an active interest in phones.

—

If you hate the taste of wine,
Why do you drink it till you’re blind?
And if you swear that there’s no truth, who cares,
How come you say it like you’re right?
Why are you scared to dream of God
When it’s salvation that you want?
You see stars that clear have been dead for years
But the idea just lives on…

In our wheels that roll around
As we move over the ground,
And all day it seems we’ve been in-between
A past and future town…

We are nowhere, and it’s now.
We are nowhere, and it’s now.

And like a ten minute dream in the passenger’s seat,
While the world was flying by;
I haven’t been gone very long,
But it feels like a lifetime.

I’ve been sleeping so strange at night,
Side effects they don’t advertise;
I’ve been sleeping so strange,
With a head full of pesticide.

I’ve got no plans and too much time;
I feel too restless to unwind.
I’m always lost in thought as I walk a block
To my favorite neon sign
Where the waitress looks concerned,
But she never says a word –
Just turns the jukebox on and we hum along,
And I smile back at her.

And my friend comes after work
When the features start to blur;
She says these bars are filled with things that kill,
By now you probably should have learned.

Did you forget that yellow bird?
But how could you forget your yellow bird?
She took a small silver wreath and pinned it onto me;
She said this one will bring you love.
And I don’t know if it’s true,
But I keep it for good luck.

BRIGHT EYES – WE ARE NOWHERE AND IT’S NOW.

mercurial.

i am ever so proud of what i do, yet i am hollowed out… hollowed.

(the devil and god are raging inside me.) (brand new)
brand new will eternally mean a lot to me. and to so many others.
emo 4 lyfe. the stigma matters not.

i met my writer david today. first time in like six years (seriously) or whatever. it was a pleasant meeting; i treated him to lunch to say, “hey, thanks for being a writing slave for years!” in a sense, he was equally thankful, i think… but in a different way. from his point of view, it’s more like… he works a 9-5 job in a law office but loves music and writing, and this keeps that part of him alive. luckily, he is happily married and with child, even though he lives in the suburbs. i think it is a bittersweet thing, but ultimately sweeter than bitter…

tomorrow, tinwin gets married. hopefully i won’t be all depressed like i was at the last marriage i went to. haha. the lat marriage i went to, for some reason, really just… bummed me out… because it was so… generic… if i am to get married, you can bet that shit is going to be a fucking party… a unique one. i don’t really think so much about marriage because it is so far removed from my existence, but i assume that will change sometime soon, perhaps. everyone is always asking me if i am interested in marriage (and to an extent, surprised when i say that i do expect to be married sometime). it’s not an end-all, break-all for me, though, if marriage doesn’t happen. it simply doesn’t matter if the other person happens to be significantly against it. but i do imagine it happening, if only because it’s the best godamn reason for the coolest party on the planet…!!!! is that a horrible reason to get married? whatever. it’s as horrible as any other. ;p

anyway, for her wedding tomorrow, i’m going to help take photographs… that should be a good time. i am so different from all of them. but i guess it’s cool in my book to have as diverse a set of friends as i do.

aaron once told me that i was like no one else i ever knew, simply because no one else he knew would ever like the valley arena. hahahahahhaa. the funniest reasoning, but it makes sense, to some degree. it’s like how i can never find anyone who likes la dispute. most people simply aren’t that broad in their tastes.

i think that’s why redefine is cool — because it’s so broad because everyone contributes his or her own unique tastes to it, and sometimes they overlap. but that’s also what makes it difficult; when a publication is super niche, it’s easier for it to find its audience. when it’s casting a wide net, and has a shit ton of content, it’s also easy for it to find its audience. but when the net is cast wide and only reels in a few fish (horrible analogy, sorry) — which is our case — you can bet there’s an audience, but it’s a hard audience to find. but i feel like that audience is an audience that truly loves music. unfortunately, i don’t have any statistical proof of this, and the only proof i have is second-hand… an example being that we did an article and video series on metavari, and they reported to me that they sold a bunch of records shortly thereafter. now that is awesome. it’s awesome to see journalism actually leading to action…

i realized today that i am proud of what i do. really, really proud. this dawned on me because i was listening to our mixtapes (of which i would recommend the ones by atelier ciseaux, skrot up, and marjorie for valentine’s day… as well as my own icelandic ones, but that’s cheating, isn’t it?)

a lot of people i know personally have a hard time reading our publication just because they don’t recognize any of their names. i suppose the ideal point, though, is that we become like a boutique label, where we finely curate and filter through all the bullshit to give people, who will trust our opinion, what they want. we do the filtering so they don’t have to. i mean… someone out there appreciates this, or we wouldn’t have 400-500 unique visitors a day… but i don’t know who those people are, and i don’t know how i can find out. it’s an interesting quandary… but again… it feels good to have a product that i feel like is growing without my/our sacrificing any of our journalistic integrity.

caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajun.

inversion,
in this form
reconstitutes its borders
into framed petals,
unwrapped.

i write because i know not how not not to in these moments.
ever i find myself more caught up in my own thoughts.
it’s horrible.
but it is a moment of introspection –
of a returning to familiar grounds,
which i have not truly tread for years.
i am turning back inwards,
into myself,
a simultaneous blessing and a curse.
but from a interactive level,
i’m having a fucking hard time giving a shit about anyone else.
like i said:
it’s horrible.
i hate it.
but i just need this time to sort out my dismay.
then i can get back to asking people all about themselves.
because that’s all i ever do.
i just want to be selfish,
to indulge in me me me me me me me me me,
to better me
without constantly doing the thing i always do,
which is turning the conversation outwards
to ask everyone else a million things about themselves
while avoiding the topic of me.
who the hell are we all anyway,
and why do these windows keep giving me a glare of unreality…
if even such simplicities can turn me inside out
what won’t, idiot!

if a prospector can mine for gold through centuries of dirt, so shall i.

—

12:45
i just got dropped off at bottom of the hill in san francisco for a ty segall and trmrs show. i wasn’t on the godamn list even though i just confirmed it yesterday. so i walked back to the financial district-ish… took me a bit more than an hour. i got back and told tinwin and her friend this; they said i was CRAZYYYYYYYY. “look what portland has done to you,” they said, but it isn’t portland that has done this to me; it is other parts of the country, where i never know a soul, where my lack of advanced gadgetry leaves me ignorant to bus routes. walking is not simply traveling, though; it’s exploration.

what moments of lucidity to be found in night walks… of seeing a city’s dimmed delicacies! layered cascades of shadows cast by trees and framed windows harboring any number of panels — ranging from cardboard inlays to the pristine! in that setting, child-like wonderment remains commonplace rather than luxurious and foreign — one sees an old world with new eyes when in the night, when given the moments, presented by mobility, to reconsider all. the clarity they offer is transcendent.

night walks are the fucking best! i would trade them for nothing! absolutely nothing!

—

01:09
and finally, this letter i have been crafting for a month’s time; i think it’s ready. i think i’m ready. hope to talk to you in the future nearest to ours, where we will be real human beings, saying and doing real things.

we gather as moths to the light.

tomorrow, i meet one of my writers, of five+ years, whom i have yet to meet. this will be the first time. i’m excited.

this track below is from the death cab for cutie album, transatlanticism. as “un-hip” as death cab is in recent times, i can still remember the first time i heard about them. it was from my “gothic” and rather hermity freshman year roommate, who often smelled a bit surprisingly like cheese, and really, really loved radiohead. her name was julia. she had pretty good taste in music — far superior to my next roommate, who was far worse, though on the surface a much “nice little asian girl,” rather than a gothic hermit. in many ways, i rather liked my freshman year roommate, though we were drastically different at the time. in any case, i remember her listening to death cab for cutie — i think “company calls” was a notable track — and it was instantly appealing… i had no idea who they were at the time… and how humorous that i am now here, and now who i am…

transatlanticism, at the forefront of death cab’s journey into un-hipness, still means a lot to me. it is nostalgic. i recently (a couple days ago) found the album burned onto a cd in the car. i don’t know when i put it in there, but it must have been quite a while ago. re-discovering it has been quite pleasant… even if the feelings are bittersweet.

there are three, embedded into this album’s whole.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends;
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again,
And it seems by the time that I have figured what it’s worth,
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

But if I move my place in line, I’ll lose.
And I have waited, the anticipation’s got me glued.

I am waiting for something to go wrong;
I am waiting for familiar resolve.

Sometimes it seems that I don’t have the skills to recollect –
The twists and turns of plots that turned us from lovers to friends.
I’m thinking I should take that volume back up off the shelf,
And crack its weary spine and read to help remind myself.

But if I move my place in line, I’ll lose;
And I have waited, the anticipation’s got me glued.

I am waiting for something to go wrong;
I am waiting for familiar resolve.
I am waiting for another repeat,
Another diet fed by crippling defeat.
And I am waiting for that sense of relief;
I am waiting for you to flee the scene
As if you held in your hand the smoking gun
And on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

And it’s strange –
They are basically the same,
So I don’t ask names anymore.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends;
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again,
And it seems by the time that I have figured what it’s worth,
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – EXPO ’86

—

The Atlantic was born today and I’ll tell you how.
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere,
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door
Have been silenced forevermore.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row;
It seems further than ever before.

I need you so much closer.

So come on…
Come on.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – TRANSATLANTICISM.

a year in facebook status updates – 2009.

January

does believe people should go to the new and improved http://www.redefinemag.com

done did got her laptop infected by a virus. ~__~ BSOD FTL.

February

got a web facelift: http://www.redefinemag.com — and a new arts blog: http://www.redefinemag.com/arts/

is going to be in Los Angeles tomorrow, until the 17th! Holla!

is wondering if anyone would like to go to Peru with her in late March / early April for a couple weeks?

March

is wondering if anyone knows anyone trustworthy who needs a room to stay in for SxSW?

is going to Peru, April 1st through April 23rd. Confirmed, son.

is wondering if anyone else noticed Facebook looks different! Rounded profile pictures, omg!! Bigger fonts!!!!

thinks the Indian holiday, Holi, is AWESOME. ^__^

is pretty sure SxSW is the best shit ever.

cannot WAITTTTT to get back to Seattle where allergies are more or less tolerable and not complete complete death action.

… did I say I couldn’t wait to get back to Seattle? Well, I don’t want to be in Austin, but I don’t want to be here, either. RESPONSIBILITIES. BLACHHH.

It’s funny when you have a sudden epitome on a way to fix something that is obviously wrong, with so obvious an answer it’s ridiculous. Naw mean?

Today I hung out with a 23 year old Australian dude I met at SxSW and an 18 year old super mature and smart (and classically very good looking) British lad. I rarely ever meet and get to know English-speaking foreigners while living in the States. It’s in…

Feeleth so dehydrated…

is headed to Seattle’s Green Festival… for anyone who wants to go tomorrow, if you go to PCC and buy some shit, you get a free ticket ($15 value).

Sometimes you just need a giant 16 ounce cup of cappuccino / hot cocoa mix from — no, not the coffee shop down the street — 7/11. Hail. Yeah. Son. Sure, you’ll regret it later as you are shaking with its sugary nastiness, but the first half hour or so o…

is headed to Mexico City / Peru in one day and seven hours. Here’s to not pulling a “Tony Cordova”. Not pulling a “Tony Cordova” can be defined as, but are not limited to: 1) not breaking arms while arm wrestling, 2) not getting rings stuck on fingers til…

April

was told that her brother’s house has Oreos for consumption, but the Oreos cannot be seen!!!!

is in the Lima airport, at a Starbucks. Ohhh nooeettthh! They’re seriously everywhere. X:

is in Lima, waiting to go to Trujillo, Peru. Lima is just a city, like every other city, but man, is Peruvian cuisine colorful and exciting. But people here drive like maniacs. It’s super fun to be in a taxi, wondering if you’ll get in a crash, but even i…

is going to Huacas Del Sol Y De La Luna today… and then off to the desert. – http://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huacas_del_Sol_y_de_l a_Luna

is wondering about how strange it is that I’ve been here for like… three days… and it feels like an ETERNITY somehow. It’s fucking bizarre.

is thinking about how a girl on my flight from Seattle to SF five days ago finished off our 2 hour conversation with one another by telling me that I have “really nice hands” and that she has an “obsession with hands and necks.”

has photos online at http://picasaweb.google.com/veez0ri

helped another teacher teach some 2nd graders English today. We did one class in Spanish and one class in English, teaching kids things like, “What’s your name?” and “What’s her name?” and the class taught exclusively in English did MUCH better than the c…

$569 roundtrip to Iceland from Seattle this summer. Who wants to go

es muy confundido.

is PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY. K thx. Off to the mountains of Peru this evening for Semana Santa!!! Holy Week!

is just a girl.

has new photos from an awesome weekend in Cajamarca, Peru: http://picasaweb.google.com/veez0ri/042009Cajamarc aPeru#

has just been reminded that holy shit… art is better than pretty much everything. – http://www.redefinemag.com/arts/ – http://1988watcher.blogspot.com/

is wondering who wants to go to Burning Man this year… like, for real. This time.

& Mihae received many a love letter this evening from Peruvian men. Here is a note a hot 17 year old Peruvian waiter wrote us before we left: “Cuando vas muy lejos adonde yo no te puedo ver se que vata (?) o extranarte mucho Vivian te extrano mucho quisie…

is forever in love with “Gorecki” by Lamb. One of the most awesome songs ever.

feels like she just smoked at least five cigarettes due to the plethora of secondhand smoke this evening ~__~

doesn’t like secondhand smoke but residual smoke-in-hair is SO GOOD. So good.

is sad to be leaving Trujillo cause the kids are SO cute. ~__~ Want to come back for longer. How to do so logistically…

is Lima-bound tonight. Hello overnight bus.

says: If you’re riding a bus in Peru, reserve the freaking 1st row of seats on the 2nd floor of the bus. AMAZING view (And “Bruce Almighty” in Spanish is amazing, too.)

is in Cusco, and NOT altitude sick! Yay. Mihae is yet to be determined, however.

Cusco / Cuzco is uncharming, expensive, drab, unexciting, and completely un-Peru-like. Machu Picchu may be great, but this tourist trap mecca definitely is not. Just saying.

is tired after a day of hiking up a 3,500 meter (11,500 feet) above sea level mountain because two Peruvian waiters (we sure like making friends with waiters) told us to. Tiring and hard, with some parts of the “trail” actually being giant ladders we had…

is thinking, WTF, BBQ, LIFE, and using the internet while sitting on the floor of our hostel in Cuzco.

actually heard a stranger fart last night in an alleyway and then SMELLED it. That’s SO wrong.

got a tarot card reading today from a Peruvian jungle man nicknamed Captain Jack, while sitting on a giant rock and stuff.

is in the Lima airport… again. Living in Trujillo was SO cheap, but coming to Cusco and Lima is SO expensive!! BAHH! Sapping money like a motherfucker!!

is leaving Peru tomorrow. Already? Is it over already?! :[

is back in the States after a night of 0 sleep and techno music in Mexico City. Thanks, Franco.

is dying of stomach ache! WTF!

is feeling better. Yay for no Mexican flu

is wondering why people would install shit on my computer. Kinda annoying.

wants it all -- brand new socks and drawls -- and I'm ballin every time I stop and talk to y'all. I want it all, all, all, all.

lied a little. Stomach still hurts. :X And it is not reassuring that one of the people I was hanging out with in Mexico City also has had a stomach ache!!! (But I don't have any other flu symptoms, so I'm not going to die, right?!! RIGHT?!!)

can once again think of a zillion reasons to never live at home.

is wondering if anyone wants to pick her up from the airport at 11:00pm on Tuesday. No? OK.

is going to interview Crystal Antlers tonight at the Crepe Place in Santa Cruz. Bands? At a Crepe Place? We'll see how this goes.

is wondering WHYYYYYY WHYYYY STOMACHE WHYYYYY!

is pretty convinced what burned my stomach was drinking a glass of absinthe (when I never drink) on an empty stomach. Finally took medicine, and now it's all peachy.

is thinking four days or so is about the maximum amount of time to visit the parentals in California without going batshit crazy.

is wondering if anyone is going to Sasquatch, cause I'd actually maybe like to go for once, perhaps.

May

is thinking that looking at high school people's Facebook profiles is some Twilight Zone shit.

wants Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. SRSLY.

is having her patience tested, z0mg.

reckons there's always a lesson to be learned in experiences that test you, but man, it's hard to glean something super positive from someone's annoying the shit out of you.

is gonna see some dags. Do you like dags?

revolutionized nail-cutting this afternoon. Cut your nails outside; never worry about mess again!!!!!!!!! ZOMG!!!!

gives in to Conor Oberst. I had always written off Bright Eyes as mediocre, but dammit, it's kind of good.

is wondering if anyone wants to go with her to either The Kills / The Horrors' show or The Curious Mystery / Ole Time Relijun's show. Both on Friday and free. Hollar.

is going country line dancing or something tonight. They call it 2-steppin? What? We'll see.

is HOLY FUCK, round-trip tickets from Seattle to NYC for $219 and from Los Angeles to Australia for $646. HOLY FUCK ASS!!!!!

just fell in the mud with my Nikon d40 D-SLR. But dude, smoothing concrete is fun (and the camera is okay).

is now officially only one degree of separation removed from Mike Patton (of Faith No More / Mr. Bungle fame). Wee!

is going to Hammingbell, aka Bellingham, for the day...!

recommends that you go watch The Kills and The Horrors, on tour now. They killed it this evening.

needs to need to not want to need.

loves the VH1 show "Daisy of Love." I'm just a lameass.

sometimes wishes she liked alcohol even a little bit. But alas, no.

is an idiot around boys I have even remote interest in, and I will run away prematurely. But hey, if I don't like you, I will talk to you for fucking hours.

... sometimes you think you know, but then find out what you know ain't shit. But it's nice when that can be said in a positive manner. SON!

spent the night at a bar with a fucking banana in my purse. SON!

eats a little too much hummuses!!!

necesita aprender mas espanol :0

was late for the bus but forgot bus money, had to run back home to grab the bus money, grabbed the bus money, kept it in her hands while running down the hill, lost a quarter of the fare in someone's unkempt lawn (where it was never to be seen again), and...

was called by her mother today, and her mother said to her in Chinese: "Your house is actually pretty clean now! But you live with boys, so make sure you wrap up your pads well when you throw them out while you're on your period." To which I replied (verb...

thinks the problem of being a sucker for pretty writing and pretty words is that, more often than not, that's all it is... pretty words... not pretty actions.

thinks may all die a nuclear death... in 2012.

just interviewed Mike Weiss of mewithoutYou. They have a new disc out: http://www.myspace.com/mewithoutyou

has been trying to install a Ruby on Rails environment on the computer all day. ALL DAY. Lord.

is being FUCKED OVER by Google. Motherfuckers. The Redefine website is inaccessible via Firefox without a warning of "vulnerability", and I fixed the errors, but they're still not removing this warning. PISSED!!

June

is up late, being emo. ~o~

: incentive for waking up earlier... $290 round-trip tickets from Seattle to Madrid, including taxes. *WTF*. Too bad I slept in and it got sold out. :L

is going camping in the Olympic Peninsula until Tuesday. Suckaz!!!

... just saw *the* most amazing dance-off ever at Trinity, by a pair of strangers, to dub-step. INSANE. They were *literally* climbing on the wall, crawling on the floor, and doing the fucking splits. In fact, the chick did the fucking splits on the wall,...

had an awesome weekend playing Rock Band, white trash golf? (testicle toss?), eating yummy catered food, and seeing ScM friends from looong ago. Congrats Pwny & Renae, and thanks! Even the sanest of girls is crazy.

is going to Ashland, Oregon for July 4th to watch Macbeth at the world's most awesomest Shakespeare Festival. Hail yessssss, dawwwwwgggg.

totally kind of believes in astrology crap. Do you?

July

was volunteering at Real Change today and Rosette made a joke about my going to bed at 4AM last night because I was watching Michael Jackson videos. That was untrue. Today, however, I am actually staying up til 4AM watching Michael Jackson videos. ~__~ Li...

thinks it's hilarious that *NOW* the FDA says Tylenol (and Percoset and Vicodin) is bad. - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/31671172#3 1671172

inhaled too much nail polish, omg... headache galore.

still can't get over the fact that my parents have Facebook. Can they read this?!!! I have no idea!!!

just had a car trunk closed on her head and it hurt like a motherb!tch. If a giant bruise emerges on my face, I'm going to have to pin domestic violence on some lucky person!!!!

battled four nosebleeds today and won. Then again, if they keep coming back, does that still count as victories? Are they all the same nosebleed coming back to life again or are they four separate nosebleeds?!! HMMM?!!!!!?!!!! And if they're separate nose...

+ sports bra = boy... pretty much.

wonders if you would ever read a magazine in downloadable PDF form???? Check yes or no.

is disturbed by how different raisins in the same pack taste from one another Some are so nasty and mushy I have to spit them out!!

hates going through all the CDs we get for Redefine and really realizing how many bands we simply don't have the resources to give the time of day to. :{

spent the last four hours sorting through CDs. Got a couple discs in the mail that seem fairly exciting for me personally: Volcano Choir (JagJaguwar), OKie Dokie (Aagoo), Forks And Knives (Self-Released) and INF (Beats Broke)... WOOHOO!!!!!

is putzing around Portland for the day... what to do, what to do, other than talking to random crazy awesome strangers...

pretty much loves Portland. Seattle's still more beautiful, though. But Portland's more fun.

told Kyle that my house is really super empty because Chris moved out all his furniture. Kyle told me to try doing cartwheels now that I have space. I've been trying to do them... and I'm not going to give up til I actually do a legit one... but what's pa...

It's a bitch convincing people to like you/ If I stop now call me a quitter/ If lies were cats you'd be a litter/ Pleasing everyone isn't like you/ Dancing jigs until I'm crippled/ Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled!.../ Oh I could throw you in the lake/

fucking loves cherries! WHY OH WHY MUST I BE ALLERGIC! WHY!!!

is going to sleep at 4:30am and waking up at 9:00am. WOOOOO!

thinks is unfair that Block Party is this weekend in Seattle (still haven't been!) for a zillion dollars and PDX Pop Now is a free event this weekend. Pish, posh, poosh.

thinks it's kinda sorta fun to live without: a microwave, a television, a bed frame... a clue. Just me, music, hardwood floors, dreams, and a zillion dust bunnies are ADEQUATE!

had a freaking amazing day doing the "Talk To Us" thing in downtown Seattle (imagine Christian women's conference meets Narcotics Anonymous crowd meets Torchlight Parade participants), choosing from 60 FREE CAKES in Seattle Center, high-fiving marathon ru...

... when all the furniture goes away, all the spiders come out to play :/ including the hobos the size of your palm. WOO! This is when sleeping on the floor not so good.

... [stolen from someone else cause social experiments rule.] This is a Facebook Experiment. If you are reading this, even if we don’t speak often, post a comment with a memory of you and I. When you’ve finished, post this paragraph into your own status u…

HOW IS IT 105 DEGREES IN SEATTLE? THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

… damn you, bleeding from the nether regions! I wanted to go swimming!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wonders if anyone knows of good electro/disco-type bands in the Portland and Seattle area??

August

had a memorable dream for the first time in a long time… kid ghosts, kid ghosts, kid ghosts… so plentiful in number they were flying and practically overlapping with each other in my vision. plus feelings of being insane.

enjoys the sleeping positions of the two cats I’m cat/house-sitting… teehehehe! Their names are George and Bert (because of resemblance to a Muppet)… but strangely, they’re both female. (Crazy cat lady in the making?!!…)

is going to hit up the $7-haircut-run-out-of-a-house place I’ve been wanting to try for almost a year now! Wish me lux.

“Your skin is something that I stir into my tea/ And I am watching you/ And you are starry, starry, starry…”

… me: going to tillamook today, never been / rachel: huh / me: what could possibly be confusing about that statement lol! / rachel: cheese / me: yes / rachel: holy shit, didnt know that was possible

is loving the new Portugal. The Man disc, The Satanic Satanist. More falsetto + blues/funk? Sweeeet. – Free MP3 here (not the best song on the disc, though, but whatever): http://freedownloads.last.fm/download/278763095/Pe ople%2BSay.mp3

… “Lovers loving love just like these lovers are loving in love.” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv3z8m1qbOQ

had a fantastical evening with Miss XL consisting of (but not limited to): getting lost in a maze of freeways, taking the LONGEST freeway detour EVER, being hit on by a guy using the classic, “Are you hot wearing that jacket? I mean, you’re HOT, but are you hot?” line, and laughing our asses off when a whole crowd of ridiculous clubbers got, “Low low low low,” in unison because “Apple Bottom Jeans” told them to.

is so very jaded by traditional Christian weddings… receptions rule, though. Fo’ realz.

is officially REALLY bad at frisbee golf. Really good at living off of snack foods, though.

… “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed.”

should give lessons on being a nomad. August / September / first half of October = PDX -> SEA -> PDX -> SEA -> LA -> NEVADA -> SO-CAL -> PDX -> SEA -> SF -> ????. All rent free. Jea.

… new nomad schedule for Aug-Oct 2009: Portland > Seattle > Los Angeles > Black Rock City, Nevada > Long Beach > Austin > Orlando > Seattle > Portland (MusicFestNW) > Chicago (La Dispute!!) > Detroit (:D) > Chicago > New Orleans (:D) > Pittsburgh > Seattle > San Francisco (Fever Ray/Castro St. Parade!) > New York > New Jersey > New York > Montreal > New York > Seattle…! (Settling down in Nov? Mayhaps. TIPS??)

… despite making films that would lead one to believe the contrary, David Lynch IS in fact Captain Obvious. Gems include, “And I thought to myself that in California, people wear sweaters! So it must sometimes be cool at night or something, because it was kind of a night-time thing, I imagined. And I thought, ‘What a great climate, that it’s warm in the day, and cool in the night — cool enough to wear a sweater!”

… 1) does anyone know if you need to take a GRE to get a Master’s in Social Work?… 2) does anyone know why I keep freaking getting Charlie Horses in my sleep? CHARLIE HORSES *SUCK*!!!

… emo emo emo mo mom oomaoo.

is gonna interview Theo Ellsworth in a hot sec. Awesome. – http://theoellsworth.blogspot.com

presents… a cross-section of Dutch words cuz Dutch is awesome/impossible … afschuwelijk = horrible, beschonken = drunk, droogtrommel = tumble drier, eigenaardig = peculiar, hulpvaardig = helpful, loopjongen = errand boy, natuurwetenschappelijk = natural phenomenon, ooghaar = eyelash, prijzenswaardig = commendable, raaskallen = talk nonsense, schurkenstreek = roguery, verachtelijk = despicable, zaniken = bother

… all of this past month’s Redefine updates in one handy ol’ August 2009 newsletter: http://www.redefinemag.com/newsletters/2009-08-new s.html (you can sign up for future similar updates in the right-hand column of http://www.redefinemag.com)!… … duude. Redefine life is doing good. It is, it is. A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

is pretty godamn satisfied. Bitches. And you need to listen to Leftover Cuties. – http://www.myspace.com/leftovercuties

… I know I just had a conversation recently about how band/musician names really shouldn’t play a role in determining how good he/she/they are, but man, Mac McAnally’s name is pretty funny.

is wondering if anyone in the Seattle / Portland / Los Angeles areas have crazy, super HOT desert weather clothes that they don’t need anymore that they want to give me to wear / demolish / never return (?)

wonders how many of the neighbors can hear me singing my ass off through the open windows. Hahahahahahahahaa.

wonders where I should go from Austin… Boston, Raleigh, Charlotte, Portland (Maine), Fort Lauderdale, Orlando…?? Decisions, decisions. VOTES?

is wondering if anyone in LA has a shitty bike he/she wants to sell/lend me? EH?????

has too much to do and therefore wants to do *nothing*…

… dude, coffee-drinking today has been CRAZY and has kind of sent me into this world where if I sit still for a hot sec I’m reeling into the unknown folds of the universe. Seriously.

is friggin pissed. Got a virus trying to download Simon & Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits. Virus rendered Internet unusable. Now, while trying to clear space on my hard drive to back up data, guess what I find? Simon & Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits. Godammit.

is watching a documentary on noise music called “People Who Make Noise”, and the cats are definitely freaking out in parts.

hates iTunes. I formatted my iPod Touch when my iTunes was set on shuffle and now my songs will only play on shuffle. Anyone know how to fix short of reformatting again?

September

is back in the real world (as real as Los Angeles is, anyway). Hello dry skin and straw hair.

is Austin and San Antonio-bound tomorrow, September 10th, through Monday, September 14th. Holla, Texans! And recommendations, por favor!!!!!

… funny press release of the day: “Name Your Tune is an exciting new children’s music compilation that is made-to-order and personalized for each child. Children will hear their name more than 80 times throughout 14 much-loved songs, such as If You’re Happy And You Know It (becomes If You’re Paul And You Know It) and Old MacDonald Had A Farm (becomes Little Ringo Had A Farm.)”

… guy’s name at the Long Beach Airport (the weirdest airport I’ve ever been to, BTW): Rohan McGee. AWESOME!!!

… one of my new favorite names for a city: Gay Hill, Texas!

equals not impressed by TexMex. TexMex is kinda sick. I’ll take Mex over TexMex every day of the week.

… dude, there’s a PLEASANTON in Texas!!!!!!!!!!!! 30 miles or so from San Antonio!!!!

passed a 5-mile stretch of highway in Houston today in which like, every American chain store had a branch. It was both amazing and disgusting! I’d begun to think that for sure every chain store had already shown up, but new ones kept popping up! Bed Bath And Beyond was like, “Don’t forget about me!”, Kohl’s was like, “I wanna play, too!”, and Panda Express was like, “Eat me!”

… three-hour-long+ adventure on Los Angeles Metro, here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

… actual synopsis for the film “Hood Of Horror”: “The Ghetto can be a scary place. And thanks to Snoop Dogg, it’s about to get even scarier. Snoop brings us three tales of terror from the hood featuring Billy Dee Williams, Method Man, and Jason Alexander. They’ll scare the shizzle out of you.”

loooooves eavesdropping on non-English-speaking humans (that I can understand, obviously)… cause sometimes you get real gems cause people think no one around can understand them!

… funny press release of the day: “Megan Fox is hot. She’s everywhere. And those short shorts and tank top and the black leather motorcycle costume she wore in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen are available for all to buy.”

… awesome press quote I just saw on some taxi in Chicago about some theatre show: “Like Cirque du Soleil, but with horses.” — WTF!

… two assholes, at two shows, two days in a row. One racist in Detroit who said the Asian Yale girl who got murdered and stuffed in the wall begged her murderer, “Please no keel me; I sucky sucky for free,” (seriously??) and another dumbass who told Micachu And The Shapes that their music wasn’t music and that he “didn’t pay to have my ears pissed in.” Why so angry, Chicagoans and Detroiters?!!

self-loathes with a vengeance this evening, and to top it off, my electronics keep committing suicide, too. UGH.

… yet another low: MySpace Music is now brought to you by McDonald’s. WTF?

was thinking it was too early to sleep because my computer clock says 11:45pm, Pacific Time. Realization: I’m on the east coast. Dammit.

… MOTHAFUCKIN THESE ARMS ARE SNAKES IN DC, BEEYOTCH!

is so frustrated with myself!!! The airport security workers were totally being a dick to this Spanish-speaking lady and I wanted to stand in and translate, but I kept asking the security worker what she needed to do and he kept ignoring me, so I just stood down. It was so sad! They just wheeled her off in her little wheelchair and she was like, “No comprendo!” and had no idea what was going on :{

October

… Sondre Lerche twittering about Redefine? Awesome!

thinks it’s funny when people (*ahem, Sherry*) get all worked up over sports on TV.

… TONIGHT: Fever Ray in SF!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!

… who wants to make me a cupcake costume for Halloweenie!?

… anyone have experience with podcasting and can chat with me about it?

… funny press release of the day: “Dell [has] partnered with Major League Baseball to offer fans across the nation opportunities to bring their team spirit to their PC. Dell Design Studio offers designs for all 30 MLB teams in three customized levels – Fan, Classic and Die-Hard.”

is gonna be in New York City until the 13th, Montreal until the 17th or 18th, New Jersey until the 24th. Let’s meet up!?

is pissed! Of all the freaking delicious places to eat in NY I somehow settled on a place with THE WORST godamn eggplant parmesan sandwiches ever!! How could an eggplant parmesan sandwich possibly be this disgusting? AND it’s expensive. I’m craving one from Romio’s now. Ugh.

wishes bugs didn’t like biting me so much!! AAHHHHHHH. Three bug bites on the face… mostly no big deal, except for the one around my eye that makes me look like I got punched in the face

wants to eat something warm and hot, but I don’t have any Canadian money left except for $1.11, and I’m leaving tomorrow! I can’t even buy something from McDonald’s here with that! Much less the poutine next door.

being in the Northeast during the fall might be one of the best things ever… so beautiful, aaaah.

… my 16-year-old cousin doesn’t have ANY idea what Schindler’s List is. That’s almost as scary as Lingo’s nephew {?} not knowing who Michael Jordan is. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Social networking does a REDEFINE body good.

… explaining non-meat-eating to 85-year-old Chinese grandpa = impossible. Meat sickness impending. Not to mention they were pork buns, which I hated even when I did eat meat regularly!! ~__x

… wowowow Spaceland venue in Los Angeles!!! Taking word-for-word my article on Nurses for use in their promotional mailer: “By blending everything together in a way that turns layers of instrumentation, samples, and loops into structured tracks, Nurses create underlying backgrounds which teem with life and create a visual musical experience.” FUCKFACES. Where’s the credit!?

is geeking out on music so hard. Amusing finds for the evening: Terrible Records – Ghosts (http://terriblerecordsus.com/blog/wp-content/uplo ads/2009/10/ghosts.mp3), Yura Yura Teikoku – Dekinai (http://girlieaction.com/yurayura/sounds/Dekinai.mp3), Pylon – Beep (http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=down load&ufid=C646D21D51E64387), and finally… this really rad Nesey Gallons album, Eyes & Eyes & Eyes Ago! Yay!

is thinking, in this day and age where music videos are better than ever, why don’t VH1/MTV actually show music videos???????? Certainly they would hold someone’s attention…

just turned in my absentee ballot today, and I actually looked up all the candidates, but I feel like they’re all just about the goshdarn same. They all care about the environment and safety… blahblahblah. So I just went with whatever person seemed like he/she liked public transportation and homeless people the most. Ha!

November

… The Norwegian word “Røyksopp” means puffball fungus (lit. “(a) smoke mushroom”)… now you know!!!!!!!

… ever get those moments where you’re so insanely idiotic that you can scarcely believe yourself? They’re kind of special.

… funny press release of the day: “The Beatles cover [of] “I’m Only Sleeping” was recorded the day “The Beatles: Rock Band” game was released in protest of the idea of great musicians wasting time playing games about making music instead of actually making music.” – AEONs

… “I did not stir, and presently I began to breathe with the dispassionate rhythm of sleep. He listened, that was certain. I listened to his listening. He listened to my listening to his listening. Something snapped. I noticed that I was not thinking at all of what I thought I was thinking; attempted to catch my consciousness tripping, but got mazed myself. ” – Vladimir Nabokov, Despair. <3 <3 <3

… s o m e t i m e s l i f e i s r e a l l y r e a l l y a w e s o m e a n d i t f e e l s a m a z i n g . i feel like i'm onto something.

… loudly listening to music on Mihae Jung's $700 speakers = kinda better than going outside.

… so glad I don't work for a corporation… some corporate politics are truly ridiculous.

… "And we were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground. So pleased with ourselves for using so many verbs and nouns. But we were all still just dumb, dumb, dumber than the dirt, dirt, dirt on the ground."

… "My grandfather used to say: 'Life is astonishingly short. When I look back now it is all so condensed in my memory that I can hardly understand, for example, how a young man can decide to ride over to the next village, without his being afraid — quite apart from unfortunate accidents — that the whole span of a normal happy life is far from being adequate for such a ride.'" – Franz Kafka (The Next Village)

… three hours in Korea, and already I've been kidnapped and forced to drink beer and chat in broken Korean with two older Korean men (with the pimply-faced one stroking my back / laughing creepily and the other one — although hilarious and drunk as hell — calling me his wife and saying that Xinlei and I would be his friends forever); thank JEEBUS for being rescued by Xtra Large. <3 <3 <3

… mmmm, dreams about Joseph Gordon-Levitt…!!

… day two in Korea consistethed of going to seven different convenience stores to acquire seven types of banana milk and then taste-testing them one after the other. You'd be surprised at the array of flavors. The one with Bart Simpson sucking on a banana and having crazy eyes that looked like spirals was the winner.

… Portland's YACHT (http://www.myspace.com/yacht) and White Rainbow (http://www.myspace.com/whiterainbowwhiterainbow) are in Korea = free comped tickets for Friday night's show ($30 each!). Dunno if I actually like them, but it's not just a concert; it's a concert plus a DJ set by YACHT which goes until 5:00am. UMMMMMMMMMMM, AMAZING? 350 people confirmed on Facebook so far. S T O K E D!

… YACHT = awesome live show.

… I think I've done it. I think I've made myself sick of banana milk. THIS CAN'T BE!!!!!!???

… 2012 = worst movie ever……………… two hours of sheer and utter pain.

got rescued by the cops today. They pushed my car to the Honda dealership. Two of them plus one civilian. Hell yeah.

December

… cars are a pain in the snarse.

… breakfast! It’s what’s for dinner!

… the problem with always making faces or doing weird shit while taking photos is that when you actually need a professional-ish photo for business purposes, there are zero. Zilch. None. Nada. The closest to a passable photo might even be one you took with a Macaw bird on your shoulder. BLARGH!

= dry cereal addict. NOM NOM NOM. (so much better than wet cereal.)

… what’s an awesome name you think needs to be used more often? My vote: WYATT.

… Iceland/Europe in spring, anyone? Round-trip airfare from Seattle for $474…………. including taxes…….?

can’t sleep worth shiet.

is doing a post on Album Covers Of The Year!! Have any favorites from this year?? Anything blow you away?? Share

gets to eat lunch at Google today, heck yeah!!!!!!!! Free fooood come to meeeeeee!

… dude, remember Tomodachis?? And Furbys? Scary the random things you remember…….!

… REGIFTING RULE #1: Remove that sweetly-worded card that’s addressed to you. (Saving mother from embarrassment since 1983.)

… dude, did all of my tape singles get thrown out?!!!!! THERE WERE LIKE A HUNDRED OF THEM!!! Goodbye, childhood memories! You left without saying goodbye!

… 46 rad album covers from 2009! This is the most fun I’ve had writing an article in a while. Enjoy! (PS, Duran Duran is awesommmmmme.) – http://www.redefinemag.com/music/reviews_cover_2.php?artist=46-Fantastic-Album-Covers-From-2009,-Part-One&id=1379

fun night.

i’m listening to… the best of duran duran, motherfucker!

random crap today. posted up redefine’s 46 fantastic album covers from 2009 article today, and now i’m wondering, is 46 too many? well, whatever.

either way.

after posting up that article i tried to go to the sprint store to buy a fucking lg phone car charger but sprint didn’t have any! at least not sprint in pleasanton! what the shit! that’s messed!

so i headed over to san francisco, sparingly using my telephone so i’d still have battery life by the time i got there. met up with fontaine and allen. we went to watch the new “sherlock holmes” movie! i thought it was pretty good. at some points i was like, bah, this is too long, but for the most part it was good, and there were some fucking hilarious laugh-out-loud moments, but totally in a really ummmmm smart (british!) way. i swear, brits are better than us. i’ve said it many times. i’ll say it again!

anyway.

after that, we went to japantown to eat at on the bridge. it was pretty good… really had my eyes set on some gratin but they were all sold out of it, so i got some wicked delicious-looking pesto udon! so good! kinda salty, though.

after that, i headed over to kevin‘s house and we went out to north beach for his friend’s birthday pub crawl thing. it was fun. met a lot of really nice people and had some interesting convos for sure. some talk about dildos and jokes about calling them devastators. haha? and some talk about random people’s occupations… lot of interesting occupations in there… and religion, because one guy had a buncha religious tracts that were super funny, with one of them featuring one guy saying to another guy, “you’re no longer a LOSER! you’re a WINNER!” after he had found god… and evidently everyone there was pretty much a godless heathen. oh, and there was a filmmaker at the table next to us being awkwardly (kinda) interviewed… and what else. crap. oh. tried curry fries?? interesting. apparently it’s a popular irish thing.

fun stuff… the birthday boy told a story about when he thought he killed someone. when he was 21 and temporarily going to school in olympia, washington, hanging out with two roommates for new year’s eve, each with an entire fifth of bourbon in their hands, some random guy came into their house holding a giant bag of shrooms… and that at that point in time he really was into fighting people and the guy who had the shrooms (after they’d all eaten a bunch “like potato chips”) started quoting “fight club”. hence, birthday boy’s like, “let’s fight!” and the shrooms guy was into it, so they fought… and birthday boy was super jazzed about it and kept trying to get his roommates into it but they weren’t having it cause they were trippin so he’d try and punch them in the face to show them that it was fun, and they jumped out the first floor window and left hahaha. then two hours later the roommates came back and the two others were still fighting, so they left again (and proceeded to drive around at 90mph, when one of the guys was like, “this is just like being in malaysia!” and they were driving on the wrong side of the road). when the roommates came back, apparently shrooms guy was on the floor with half his face bloody and was unconscious… and birthday boy had been running around the house with his hands up in the air cheering and basically deeming himself “the man”… and the roommates were like, “dude, we think you killed him,” and the birthday boy’s celebration turned to bummed outness. naturally. at this point in the story, some new guests came in and he never finished his story, but i guess at some point they realized that he wasn’t dead? the end? maybe?

anyway other stories about a guy having to escape ukraine because his family was rich and chased after by the mob. more stories about the guy going to cougar bars and being told by a cougar who was there (and good-looking, apparently, thanks to plastic surgery) something along the lines of, “do you see this face? this face is worth thousands of dollars.” hahahaha. awesome.

funny story of my own… as i was gettin ready to leave the second place we went to, which was a place called the bubble lounge (think i’ve been there before, strangely, but i don’t know for sure… the basement with its brick-tiled walls just seemed REALLY familiar), i went to the bathroom and had washed my hands. i don’t usually dry my hands, so i was running back up the stairs to leave and this convo took place.

CONVO WITH RANDOM, PRETTY MUCH GUIDO-LOOKING DUDE:
dude: whoa! who are you?
me: vivian.
dude: i’m ruess. (extends hand)
me: (extends both hands, for some reason) sorry, my hands are kind of wet.
dude: we’ve only just met and you’re already wet?
me: that’s horrible.
dude: i know, right? (totally proud of himself, it was obvious)

(followed by other lame dialogue of him trying to convince me to stay and go to the bar with him even though i said i didn’t drink, and he said, “me neither! i just am going to get some water!” which i think was a filthy ass lie.)

going out in sf is fun. good times!

(only bad part is that this is the ONE night i coulda stayed out til whenever cause my parents didn’t come home tonight!!!! unfortunate, because i came back at 2:30. oh well. the last stop was at a club anyway and i can’t say i really cared all that much to be there.)