one of my writer just wrote me the most fucking offensive email ever.

lines:
“Redefine is a marketing project. Publicists send us shit and we kiss there asses to get on their good side? Am I right? It’s what we’re trying to accomplish, to move up in the world. The only reason I’m writing an interview with ***** is because she’s a “name” and it raises both your and my profile to have that on our resumes. Yours for the site, mine for my writing. It’s basic ass kissing 101. I’m fine with it, you’ve got to play the game and all.”

fucking hell fuck.

“It was watching interviews of [Bill Hicks] talking about how he tried to fit into normal comedy for his entire career but wasn’t really successful until he stopped giving a shit about industry restraints and just did what he wanted. That’s when he really took off in Europe. I’d recommend you do the same thing with Redefine. There are a million marketing sites. You’re trying to do something different. Do it. Only play within the lines so much. Sometimes I look at the site and I think we’re basically a slightly more sophisticated Pitchfork clone. You need to give people something they can’t get anywhere else.”

my response was somewhat manic, along the lines of:
“Doing an article about ***** is not to kiss ass. I like her record; you like her record. It makes sense to me that we cover her because she is liked. I don’t think it’s about kissing anyone’s ass at all; in fact, I don’t post a single thing that I don’t believe in. This is a personal rule. I don’t do it for the resume; are you joking me? You have no idea how much time I spend on this shit… it is because I believe in it wholeheartedly not for any kind of marketing shit and definitely not for any fucking money. I kind of find it offensive that you do think I am playing some sort of bullshit game because I work very hard to make that not be the case and I could be doing a lot of things and posting about a lot of motherfuckers that I don’t believe in at all just to get more traffic. Man. I AM A FAN OF EVERY FUCKING BAND I POST ABOUT. I DON’T MAKE SHIT FOR MONEY. Redefine DOESN’T EVEN PAY FOR ITS OWN WEB HOSTING. I pay for it. I have fucking $8 in the bank right now. That’s all there is to it. What fucking game? !!OI!!OI!II If I wanted to play a game I would do simple Q&A’s with every band I interview rather than pouring my heart and soul into shit that takes me fucking hours and hours and hours. I WISH I knew how to paly the fucking game more…

Anyway, again, I’m pretty fucking offended you think it is some kind of marketing project. WHAT THE FUCK. Who the fuck is making money or marketing any kind of fucking shit. I am doing this purely because I believe in every fucking second of it and if you think it is a marketing ploy then FUCK we are clearly not on the same page at all. Are you joking me? Like… the whole point of it is to offer journalism that other people can’t find elsewhere. DO you know how many bands have come and talked to me personally about the articles I do to say that it is their favorite interview they’ve ever done? Or told me that their mothers had called them about articles I had done? That’s not bullshit journalism and that’s not marketing I work very hard to keep this thing honest and pure.”

FUCK MY FACE I AM SO FUCKING PISSED
(fucking my face is probably not a good thing)

portfolio cover.

for job interview tomorrow. new energies.

also, this morning after the crazy man:

getting back into j-pop and k-pop big time, in preparation for my upcoming dj gigs. hahahahahahah i have dj gigs! back when i used to want to be a dj that was a thing. anyway. this is funny to become one without caring. settled on calling myself dj vVv.

click for full-size, mothafucka!

insanities.

‎… with spring and summer always come the insane ones, who call from the street just as the sky starts to get light. Today’s awakening was perhaps the most haunting one yet — courtesy of a man who could only be described as absolutely hysterical, barely forming words through his mixture of scream-crying. Words like “I did it! I did it!” might sound like positive achievements, but in this case, sounded as though he had murdered someone accidentally and was left to collect the fragments of his mind. I wondered if I should call the police to have them see why he was roaming the streets at 6am. I wondered how many people lose it and have no one around to care…

The other one I still remember fondly is the man last year who was screaming the same rhythm every minute or so, and was slowly making his way away from my house. It was as though I could hear him for a quarter of an hour, and have an idea of where he was due to his personal echo location tools… so fascinating. I look forward to what this window will bring in the future nearest!!!

I have a job interview tomorrow that I am really excited about. Hopefully I get it. I would link it but I’m afraid they’ll catch on. Godammit, internet!!!

i am so RUAHOGHOASID.

dude, gotta get my shit fixed. lost a $1,000 dollar check sometime in the past week! have searched up and down for it, to no avail. i think that may perhaps be a new level of ridiculousness that i really need to address. the worst of it is that this is not the first time. money matters have been kind of ridiculously difficult as of late, which have kind of resparked in my mind a few things, such as the need to get more stable employment (since my part-time employment with uw will be slow for the next foreseeable month, and i am broke, broke, broke — but more importantly, there are many things i desire to do that i need money for).

so, as of today, i am going to turn a new motherfucking personal leaf. i am going to be more responsible about money. i am actually going to make sure people pay me the money that they owe me. i am going to actually try and get a part-time job. etc, etc, etc. maybe it is saturn return bullshit, but whatever it is, i’m feeling the great pressing need to grow up, at least in financial matters, though that does not necessarily mean giving up what i am doing… instead, i hope to make sure that what i am doing is supplemented by outwards sources, as it always has. no more of being a slapjack. this is unacceptable on a very profound, personal level, i have just come to realize. i think i have always been of the mind that i want to spend the extra time to work on my own things, but now i’m thinking if i had other things that weren’t my own things to contrast with doing my own things, i might get more meaningful things done with my own line of work — simply because it would place value on my time and efforts. people have said this a lot and i’ve never really necessarily felt it in the recent past… until now. sooooooo beautiful as the days outside are, and plentiful are the trips i want to take… i can’t really do those things without money, so. fuck it. time to get the scrillz, i guess. i mean, at least for now. we will see what lies ahead in the future once i feel more settled about this…!!!!!!!!

listening to gang gang dance’s eye contact; it has been a while as it is only on this computer. definitely remember the first time i was listening to it while sleeping and it woke me up because “glass jar” is just such a fucking beautiful track. it’s been a long time since i’ve embedded music links, so here it is… haven’t actually watched this live performance until now, but whatever.

ugh.

i am like some forlorn creature, tethered to myself but half floating from afar, frustrated by my own complexities, familiar only with my own inability to clarify the reasons for the distance.

above, a sense of failure in navigating, as though an excited collection of fingers touching down upon grace, and things made of dream fodder, are not enough, will never be enough.

within, a sense of failure in understanding, as though a lack for attention spans and simple underlying sympathies point towards root tendencies towards selfishness.

so inconsolable, so treacherous, though without intention. thus wearing emotions upon one’s sleeve marks one as honest but presents a constant worry and manifests exhaustion in the he, muted or not.

are we acting out scripts? filling in roles? inadvertently dodging faces? purposely giving in automated excess?

—

Edit > 10:48pm
It is most interesting that I have just been reading Virginia Woolf’s To The Lighthouse all evening, and similar words and emotions have been expressed, as I have been feeling, acknowledge ridiculously to be feeling, but want desperately not to feel… My sentiments are not callous to such a degree, not so overwhelmingly filled with distaste or so unloving — but there is a degree of this, which outwardly, manifests similarly. (Hopefully I don’t go sticking my head into the oven in the future, or go burning beautiful things to the ground by sheer idiocy.)

Looking at his hand he thought that if he had been alone dinner would have been almost over now; he would have been free to work. Yes, he thought, it is a terrible waste of time… how trifling it all is, how boring it all is, he thought, compared with the other thing — work. Here he sat drumming his fingers on the table-cloth when he might have been–he took a flashing bird’s-eye view of his work. What a waste of time it all was to be sure! Yet, he thought, she is one of my oldest friends. I am by way of being devoted to her. Yet now, at this moment her presence meant absolutely nothing to him: her beauty meant nothing to him; her sitting with her little boy at the window–nothing, nothing. He wished only to be alone and to take up that book. He felt uncomfortable; he felt treacherous, that he could sit by her side and feel nothing for her… He reproached himself again. He was sitting beside Mrs. Ramsay and he had nothing in the world to say to her…

He felt rigid and barren, like a pair of boots that have been soaked and gone dry so that you can hardly force your feet into them. Yet he must force his feet into them. He must make himself talk. Unless he were very careful, she would find out this treachery of his; that he did not care a straw for her, and that would not be at all pleasant, he thought. So he bent his head courteously in her direction.

first chance to write since sxsw and i think only the second for the entire trip. certainly not the only time i have desired to; it just never quite works out correctly. this is the day after my sxsw showcase, when i am waiting in a parking lot of food carts — almost all of which are disgustingly meat-and-bbq-related, and yup, just waiting! it’s cool. last night’s show was a success — a great and extremely positively-vibed experience with not one band i did not desire or respect the work of. it feels good that at each of the events i thorw lately, people say that it is the best event they’ve been to in a long time. shit, it feels good! was also cool to literally only go to one sxsw show, austin psych fest, and see a bunch of people i know — ryat, woodsman, midday veil — just all converging in a small space! nice! tried to meet up with chris a whole bunch but it never worked out… hopefully will start to throw some shows with emily in seattle in the near future. lots of plans. also stoked the swahili dudes got to buddy up with young magic; they seem extremely awesome and nice. lumerians also killed it so hard and had a projector they projected on the side of the house. wherever, really. and it looked doooooope.

thickness of skin with relation to relationship stuf and dealing with my emotions with relation to having to see all of that, harboring secret contempt, not being bitter about perspective, but at the same time, knowing that some things are not just perspective but truth. it’s hard. that sentence made no sense, but whatever. had a dream the other night that i told troy, “fuck you,” and it was really intense, and i knew that there was contempt and the issue needed to be addressed…

past life regression.

Just got a past life reading from Ashlyn. Currently sitting in a park in Oakland getting super sun-baked as I’m writing this. People are debating over philosophy stuff, and I am getting bored, so I am cutting out! Cutting ouuuuuuuuuuut.

Summary of how it went down (as lifted from some other website):

The reading begins with a rose reading. The rose is a symbolic representation of your current spiritual growth cycle. A rose reading offers a rich overview of major themes in your spiritual growth process.

Then the reader looks at the seven layers of your aura. In each layer, the reader sees different colors and identifies which colors represent your own energy and which colors are unwanted energies. Often just by recognizing that something is not your energy, you can begin to release it and move forward.

Alright, so to go over the past life reading. It began with Ashlyn getting into a trance for about fifteen minutes. Then it began with a Rose reading in which she visualized a rose. The petals, she said, were 65% open, which meant… I forget. The center of the rose was my color – a bright, rich orange – and she said that there were pieces of pink trying to encroach upon it, trying to suffocate it and swallow it up, thinking that it was the orange energy when in fact it was an outside energy. She asked it to leave and said it felt much better. Then it was analyzing the sun, which was at 11:45 or so – almost straight up above the rose, which meant that I was almost directly on my spiritual path but just slightly short of it. She said that the stem of the rose was extremely long, “to the end of the page,” she said, which basically meant that I have been around since “the beginning of the game.” Towards the bottom of the page was a black energy – a negative or stagnant energy. And she moved it a little, and beneath that was a clump of karma. The clump of karma, as she zoomed in to study it, was a picture. Set in a jungle, very clearly, with myself in an ancient culture. She said that perhaps it was something Incan. Apparently, I was a an Incan princess of some sort, high up in power and rank, and very influential. But I guess the time came where I was tested and was supposed to show my power over a set of poorer and less powerful citizens. Rather than stepping up and being powerful and showing my reign, I decided to run away and to live an isolated existence, as a “Robin Hood,” of sorts, she said. The dark energy referred to a man who I knew at the time who caught me as I was to leave, and because of a deep love and care we had for one another – I am uncertain of whether it was romantic – he let me leave but was extremely sad that I had to. After I left, he was extremely depressed about it – and that depression later turned to anger, which resulted in him lying around stagnantly, waiting for me to return, or come back. That gave me a bit of guilt – guilt in having to leave people behind in order to do my own thing. The overarching message of this – why my “spirit” pulled in this scene at the time – was because it was focused on the topic of isolation, and of me having to do work that is important to me, even if it is solitary or lonely. As you’ll see from my previous post, this is very much a thing that has been on my mind lately – the conflict between what I feel I have to do and the lack of reciprocation for doing the things I feel that I have to do. This was definitely a theme that came up over and over again.

Next, we’re looking at the stem of the rose, and there are two leaves, one on either side of the bud, just slightly below it. Evidently, these are agreements that I made with two other beings to be a mother figure to them – and those are agreements I can choose to acknowledge or not.

Slightly below the leaves was a shining and vibrating past life, which Ashlyn went in to study. This past life showed me working on a field, alone, with children on my back. I guess I was happy, but at the same time unsettled, a bit lonely. I enter the house. My husband is not present, and Ashlyn gets the sense that my husband has gone off to war and has perhaps passed away; and I feel that moment perhaps intuitively but did not realize it in a serious sense, because I had not yet gotten actual wind of it. She then said, this sounds weird, but I see you putting down the babies and leaving. I’ve decided to go and leave to do the personal work I need to do – and to not do the work that I feel like I am perhaps forced to do? A lot of isolated work. My whole being wants to do work that is important to me, but so, so lonely…

Moving on, she went to do an aura reading for me.

1) BODY.
It began at the root aura, which was a orange color. Again, there was an encroaching energy that wanted to swallow me up. This first one was something like what is expected of me versus what is me, and the encroaching energy – the same as before, very female, possibly that of my mother – really wanted me to be a certain sense of female that was very traditional, calm, “beautiful,” submissive, whereas my entire being was very strongly against that sense of female… still very female, she said over and over and over again – this was the overarching sense… that I was a different kind of female energy – but still very assured and strong. She said it was extremely intuitive of me to think that what was necessary at this root was a very feminine energy (?), but in an a traditional sense… feminine but not in the stereotypical way, at least in terms of the appearance and body.

2) EMOTIONS.
Emotion. Extremely sea-green in color, ebbing and flowing easily, and very , very clear. She said it was cool and the clearness basically meant that I will accept things as they come, and that they’re fresh, very fresh, always living in the now and never in the past or in the future.

3) ABILITY {?}
The desire to share with others my work, to share the goodness of the world. I don’t remember much more about this, unfortunately. Something about how the things I do hold the “back lines” so that other people can build on top of this. Also a small reference to my magazine in there, I think. Also some reference to sadness, and about how there is a bit of sadness in knowing what I have to do but realizing that it is also a very, very isolated thing.

4) AFFINITY.
A lavender energy, that was very subtle but wide-spreading, very diffused but self-assured and nice. Holding the space between the voids, and the whole sense of holding ground for other people – subtly – is a sort of healing or accepting potential. So that people who see me and meet me and don’t really understand this type of energy may think that I am cold, but that those who do understand it gravitate towards it and understand it. Feminine energy, again.

5) COMMUNICATION.
An understanding that the dark spaces are vital to see the goodness, the depth of goodness. This is a magenta, which then turns into a very bright orange over the course of the reading. Energy movement. There is a hint of martyrdom, where I take it upon myself very heavily that I need to do certain things. Full of depth which is pulled from finding the goodness that comes out of dark places. The color changed because a lot about how my being listens to people and at one point only took in the energy and were sitting on it, rather stagnant, and finally was able to be a little more playful about it – a little ready to let that seriousness go to instead laugh from people’s stories, to receive an amusement out of it… to have be a slight bit more of a give-and-take to make it rather less tiring.

6) HOW ONE SEES THE WORLD.
An extremely light blue color, kind of, that is denim-colored, lighter than royal blue but darker than the sky. This is the one place where I am less serious and more open, the place in my chakras and my life where I am so light, like air, and less heavy. In all other aspects, I take work extremely seriously, but in this aspect, I think that the world is just full of goodness that I want to share it with people, and taking in things from the world rejuvenates me. I can pop up into the air at times to pull things from that, past a purple border line… a border line I want to erase and lighten, so that I can pull the lightness into other layers.

7) HOW THE WORLD SEES ONE.
A lot of vibrating energy, where people had their eyes of me, kind of, but were basically waiting to see what will happen. An extremely, extremely slow build of energy where people are studying, and are curious, but are not necessarily extending a hand. They’re just waiting to see where I go, certain that I have power but not sure how to efface with the power. And she says I like that. I like that people don’t always know how to approach me, and that those who actually do are the ones that keep around and decide are important and ones who are on the same page. She says that there are three groups of people that I am somewhat looking towards, which does not include the Swahili household, because they are already here, already present.

And here Ashlyn asks if there’s a question I want to ask. I ask if there’s a group of people that I am looking towards – who they are, and where they are in my life. She says that me – as a rose – looking at the Swahili group of people (she reassures me that she is double-checking this scene to make sure she is not being biased) up and towards other people. She says that there are three groups of people, but that there is one group in particular that I am looking to… because the Swahili household are my partners people, who I get along with, but they are not MY people, and I am all the time looking for MY people. She thinks that out of three groups, there is one group that stands up stronger. They are led by a male leader of some sort, and I can think only of Chris, and instantly thought of it because of the exchange that we had yesterday. She says that with this group, they are waiting for me to show up and to step into the role, but I am in the meantime trying to figure out what that role is. She says that perhaps they are more activist-like, that they are undergoing projects which are a little more political or scientific. I am not sure what this is – and not sure if this fits them – but what she does think is that this group will help out the Swahili group a lot, and there may be some clashes because of that, but that ultimately both groups will benefit from each other. It’s interesting because after our last experience seeing Chris’ band, what we discussed was that they were more rigid, more structured in their songwriting. Swahili would be the more artsy, the more jammy end of that. But in my mind they are such similar human beings, and such similar life interests and goals… and really kind of similar music, in a sense… but yeah, Ashlyn got the sense that this other group – which will be really important for me, but not in a romantic way – will be extremely beneficial for Swahili and will help them out a lot, and vice versa. And man. After my conversation with Chris yesterday, I’m definitely extremely curious to see if this comes to light… I don’t know if he is on the same page as I am, but I am sure that he understands where I am coming from; he replied to my email yesterday where I sent him the Swahili tracks, signing off with “It’s a feeling,” and that he felt honored that we were able to exchange brain spaces in such a way. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s weird; I feel like in some sense they are people I neeeeeeed to know. We’ll see how that pans out.

That was the end. All of it blew my fucking mind! Will fill in the blanks, in red, after today.

i was a snot for a second.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
don’t know really how people can live without their consciences nagging them all of the time.

i have been feeling a bit strange lately.
some things had happened which made me feel really sad.
the new redefine site was launched and i didn’t quite get the reaction i was hoping to get, from those closest to me.

i mean, i still haven’t really heard anything, from anyone, in any positive way.
it is mostly more secondary sources — friends of friends, i guess…
or not that great of friends…
that seem more receptive.
it’s really rather hurtful.

today i had a rather large crisis of conscience, as i do sometimes.
i mean, i feel like 99 out of 100 days i get up and do what i am doing, with the mag.
and feel good about what i am doing.
sometimes, though, it just gets a bit much…
the whole… not getting paid for things you spend an exorbitant amount of time on…
the whole… no real feedback loop between creator and visitor…

i dunno. it’s really just exhausting.

i went on a walk with aaron today.
nurses just got back from europe.
i dunno. it’s cool to be able to talk to him about these things…
cause even though he doesn’t have the same experience since he is in a band and doesn’t run a mag…
he understands where i am coming from –
and definitely has the whole creative/money struggle, too.
and it’s just nice to talk to someone who understands in a parallel way
and can offer me solutions that might make sense for what it is.
i just feel like i talk to so many people about it
and they just have no idea what i am talking about
or they give me colloquialisms.

friendships are weird, you know.
there are just relationships that make sense and those that don’t,
those that you can try to make work yet still fail,
those that don’t seem like they would work on paper but do.

i dunno.
often times i do get butt hurt because relationship dynamics — friendships or otherwise — are not always the way i would like them to be.
i always end up holding people to this weird ass standard that i try to embody myself and most of the time do though i am sure my view is flawless as it is me analyzing myself.
nonetheless.

usually i am really responsive for things, always text message back in timely manners and end up answering whatever just because i don’t like to leave people hanging.
i don’t feel like people necessarily do this in return.
today i consciously did it to t-money because i was sad and didn’t have anything to say in response.
i just left it.
and considering circumstances of yesterday, and conversations we had yesterday, that made him feel bad.
which in turn made me feel bad for doing something purposely out of spite.
i dunno, i just can’t do that shit.
i always feel bad.
i even feel bad when telling people straight that they bummed me out for this or that reason…
when really i shouldn’t… it’s fucking ridiculous.
i shouldn’t feel bad for making someone feel bad because they did something wrong that made me feel bad.
but i do.
it’s so weird.

today i got up and was just so so so so bummed. just so bummedddddddddddddd.
and this day has just been that endlessly.
got a little bit better after walking and talking with aaron but still.
it just feels so pointless sometimes.
as always, it will pass.
i do think what i’m doing is a good thing, ultimately.
even if it feels like i am forever giving too much of a shit when most of the world does not give a shit.
i am sure anyone trying to make some change in the world has these problems sometimes.
can’t always be gung ho all of the time.
can’t always feel like you are 100% right all of the time.
it’s fine.

——-

i wanna review my horoscopes for a second >>> SOURCE

this is from november 2011:

“There is one little tricky problem with November, in that Mercury will go retrograde from November 24 to December 13 and that will bring delays, but only temporarily. Mercury is the natural ruler of your house of professional achievement. This time Mercury will be in Sagittarius, so you will likely notice this retrograde more than most. Don’t let this get you disappointed. It’s only a three-week retrograde, and by going slowly, you will benefit. Sometimes it really is not wise to push forward rapidly. As juicy as your new career opportunities may be, take your time, and don’t give your final word until next month, AFTER December 13. If you can, give this date some space, as you shouldn’t butt up too close to the start or end dates of a retrograde.”

i guess maybe i will re-take-heed-of-this and not get bummed out too much at the lack of response until next week. then i can get real emo. but for now maybe i should just chill out.

here’s december 2011. my birthday month.

You are now in the process of renewing your life from the bottom up and from the inside out, due to a series of eclipses that have come by in Sagittarius and Gemini since they started a year ago, on December 21, 2010 (Sagittarius). Three more eclipses have come by since then, on June 1 (Gemini), June 15 (Sagittarius), and just last month, on November 25 (Sagittarius). The next is due on December 10, 2011 (Gemini). All these eclipses will be linked to each other in some way – it will be up to you to find the common thread.

Imagine your life as a puzzle, with different pieces of varying size and shape that fit together to form the whole. You get to choose some of those pieces that form your life, while others were and will be chosen for you by circumstance. Now, with the eclipses back in Sagittarius and Gemini, it’s time to examine each puzzle piece to see if each still fits your needs and lifestyle. If the universe deems one or more of these elements to be outworn or no longer of value to you, you will see that area of your life change or become deleted quite rapidly now.

You may wonder why an eclipse in Gemini is important to you. It is because it is the sign that falls six signs away from yours, and is therefore found opposite yours on the creaky horoscope wheel. Gemini represents your formal commitments to a sweetheart, as in marriage, but also promises you make to a business partner in a formal way, when you sign papers and make things official. Gemini also represents, in large measure, how the world views you, whereas Sagittarius indicates how you view yourself. Together they form a very important whole, so with the eclipses back in these signs for the first time in nine years, it’s time to update your concept of yourself – who you are, what type of partner would make you truly happy, what goals you have now that no longer interest you, and which new ones you would like to replace with any that you feel you may have outgrown.

Eclipses usually bring dramatic elements from the outside world to your doorstep, through conditions over which you have no control. It’s all done to strengthen you. You’d be wise to go with the flow of events, rather than try to resist them. A better, much more productive life awaits you after the debris is taken away.

The most important change will be in your own self-image – it’s time to see yourself in a new and updated form, and to give yourself credit for all you’ve learned and mastered. It’s been nine years since the last series of eclipses occurred in Sagittarius and Gemini (those were in 2002 and 2003, and before that, the one that came December 9, 1992, was the most similar). It’s time now to reset your compass. After this series of eclipses is over, friends, family, and all the people you come into contact with will view you in a new light too, immediately, or gradually, in the coming year as you transform yourself before their eyes.

Your closest relationship is about to become your total focus when the total eclipse of the moon arrives in Gemini, 18 degrees, on December 10. This is a highly emotional eclipse, the second of a pair, for the first one arrived last month on November 25, in your sign of Sagittarius. While the last eclipse of November 25 encouraged you to think about your own needs, this new one this month will help you decide if a partner is for you. Full moon lunar eclipses, like this one, will end things, but the so-called ending might be the end of your single status when you get engaged for Christmas, Hanukkah, your birthday, or New Years. Or, it may be a real ending, and you break up. I am so sorry to have to even suggest this possibility.

The universe wants you to be productive, and to that end, will jettison any relationship it feels is not in your interest. If the universe finds this relationship to have no future value to you, it will blow it away with the force of a hurricane. The universe wants you to use your time on earth well, dear Sagittarius, so it’s time to decide – to stay and commit, or turn and leave without regret, hearing the door latch shut as it closes behind you. If someone should break up with you, it is unlikely it can be reconciled – eclipses tend to have a finality about them that is non-negotiable.

Indeed, eclipses speak clearly, in black-and-white terms. If you are in love, you both will be giddy as you go out among the snowflakes to shop for rings. If the universe feels you need to know a certain truth about your partner, it will illuminate things with a flood of daylight. If you were unsure whether your partner truly loves you, you will find out, and possibly the news will be wonderful – yes!

If you thought your partner was loyal and true, you may, on the other hand, find out otherwise. Often news is delivered in a casual offhand way that we simply don’t see coming, and the shock element of an eclipse can leave you shaken. With an eclipse coming so close to your birthday and to the holidays, this can be a hard time for you if your decision is to leave. Trust that the universe is not trying to hurt you, but just the opposite, to protect you. In life, we can only hope for truth, for without it, we are left at a terrible disadvantage, and things can go from bad to worse. If you are leaving a situation or relationship, it will be because it was toxic or weak, and it would have been bad for you to stay in it any longer. That’s sometimes hard to see without the perspective of time, but have faith that someone infinitely better for you exists and that in time you will find that person.

If you are on the other side of this equation, learning that you are, indeed, ready for marriage and serious commitment, then this can be a time of wonder and magic. I dearly hope this is how things will work out for you. Keep in the forefront of your mind that the person in question (that I am discussing here) might not be a romantic partner, but rather, a business partner whom you need to commit to or leave, and things in that case would move along just as rapidly when this person’s true colors, for good or not good, become apparent.

The closer your birthday falls to December 10 (plus or minus five days), the more you will feel the power of this eclipse.

If you are a November-born Sagittarius, the solar eclipse that came by on November 25 was to touch you more directly than this month’s eclipse. In fact, in your case, this month’s eclipse may be too far from your Sun to have anything but a very mild effect. (I can’t see everything in your chart, and I don’t know if you have any planets in Gemini, Sagittarius, Pisces, or Virgo at 18 degrees, the degree of this eclipse. If you do, you would feel this one too.)

Making a decision may be a bit hard initially because as you enter the month, Mercury will still be retrograde until December 13. Mercury is the planet of communication – think of Mercury as the planet with a very high IQ and superb speaking and reasoning skills – and he imparts his gifts to us. However, when he is retrograde, he withholds all his powers, and we mere mortals below are left to stumble around to cope as best we can until he awakens again. Things can, and often do, go haywire. We sign contracts and fail to notice the one clause that is capable of putting us in danger if we don’t change the wording. We choose the wrong item to buy (Mercury rules commerce too) and later we wonder what we were thinking when we bought it.

Mercury rules communication, translations, thinking and perception, commerce, transportation, software, computers, and electronics and things of that nature that need to be operating in good form to keep the world spinning as it should. Without Mercury’s help we become forgetful or confused, and we have bad lapses in judgment.

Whenever Mercury is retrograde, let that be an instant signal to you that conditions are rapidly changing up ahead, but those shifts are not apparent just yet. That’s what makes this period so treacherous – everything looks so normal and the same as before, but key elements are not the same and they are changing. If you announce a decision now, you will later say, “Had I known what was to come, I would have never made that decision!” Be kind to yourself and simply wait to announce or agree to anything important until after December 13.

On the same day as the eclipse, December 10, Uranus will speed direct, and that’s news, as Uranus has been retrograde since July 9. Uranus is currently making a long journey through your love sector, so this is a positive indication that your love life is about to pick up speed and head in the right direction. Those who are in love will make a confident decision soon after Mercury goes direct December 13. Attached Sagittarius who have been unsure about whether to have a baby will feel more certain and optimistic now that they are ready – pregnancy is favored now.

If you are single, or if you should break up with someone important under this eclipse of December 10, the universe is being kind to turn Uranus direct now. You will have so many options to find the right person for you, just at holiday time. I realize that if this was a serious relationship that you assumed would last forever, you may not be ready to date yet. Uranus will stay in strong orbit until October 2012, so you have lots of time. It has to be comforting to know you have a strong future outlook for love, dear Sagittarius.

There is MORE good news. Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, is your ruling planet and has been retrograde since August 30 of this year. On December 25, Jupiter will turn direct and stay that way for months. When your ruler is in strong shape, everything starts to click again. Say goodbye to the sputtering and backtracking that you had to do in your career – you’re about to move ahead with gusto once Jupiter is on track again, and once Mercury is moving direct too (as Mercury rules your professional house of fame and honors). Jupiter is currently in your work and health sector, so those areas will see a noticeable up-tick.

Furthermore, Uranus, in your fifth house, rules your inventive, imaginative side, and with Uranus going direct, if you work in a creative or scientific profession, you will find it easier then ever to come up with innovative ideas that dazzle higher ups. No more creative blocks or periods of indecision. You will be so glad when all these big planets start to move ahead. I see Uranus, Mercury, and Jupiter in my mind’s eye as three huge jumbo jets, lined up on the runway, and one after the other, given the go-ahead from the air traffic control. You will feel the power of liftoff, again and again, throughout the month, and you’ll love the change.

There is another important point to make about your career. You are so fortunate to have Mars currently moving through your tenth house of fame and honors from now through early July 2012. Now that Mercury, the ruler of this house, goes direct on December 13, you should start to see certain talks reach accord, and you will be able to move ahead. You may not be pleased with the pace, however – Mars is still moving slowly and will slow even more in January, as Mars is about to go retrograde January 23. Get the vital things signed and sealed in early January, prior to the full moon January 9, and then sit tight, working slowly and methodically toward your goal.

Concerning your health, it’s vital that you take very good care of yourself, especially near December 10. Eclipses that occur in your sign or opposite sign can be draining and quite hard on the body. Continue to keep up with medical checkups, follow a healthy diet, and get enough rest. If you were following a program your doctor designed for you, this would not be the time to cheat on it – no, no. Eclipses look for weak links, and along with examining your relationships, this eclipse on December 10 will look at the health of your body and show up any parts that might need attention or need to be strengthened. If anything is wrong, the eclipse will show you clearly what it is and give you time to attend to it.

In terms of your finances, your picture is bright, as the new moon of December 24 could be your friend. It is beautifully angled to Saturn, which will increase your feeling of stability. It is also well angled to Neptune, which will allow you to get funding for a home-related goal, such as a home-improvement loan, new mortgage, or refinancing plan. This is the single best time of the year to ask for a raise in salary at work. (To be clear, this is not money you would win, but money you would earn.)

If your company is open for business during the last week of December, that new moon will be very strong at that time, so you would be wise to ask immediately for your raise at that time. All new moons are strong for two weeks after they appear, but always are the strongest immediately. That new moon’s energy of December 24 will continue to fade a little with each passing day, until you reach the full moon, January 9, a time when all the new moon’s energy will have been spent. That is why I say, go in and ask for that raise immediately.

If you are self-employed, you may get a sterling client during the end of December, at a time all your competitors have closed shop for the holidays. If you work weekends in a seasonal, retail, or restaurant business, expect business to be brisk after Christmas!

If you plan to go away for a holiday at the end of December, then act on the possibility to get a raise during the first week of January. If you are starting a new job in January, you have already negotiated your new salary, and it will start showing up in your paycheck. Well done.

There is one glitch with this new moon, in that it will be in hard angle to Uranus, indicating money may go out just as fast as it comes in. Your son or daughter may need a lot of cash suddenly (Uranus is in your fifth house), or for a creative project that is suddenly about to cost much more than you imagined it could! Keep your antenna up and be ready for anything.

Alternatively, it be that you are about to spend quite a bit of money on a vacation. As a Sagittarius you love to travel, so I am smiling as I write this. For YOU, travel is always money well spent, for it has such a strong and positive effect on your outlook. So in this case, go ahead! I will add that Uranus brings unexpected developments out of the blue, so keep an eye on your checkbook, lest the expense rock you in a way you never expected.

New Year’s Eve has the moon in Aries – you are so lucky! That’s the perfect place for the moon to be for you to have an enchanting romantic evening. You must plan to be out, if not with someone special, then with friends. This night holds all sorts of surprises, and they are likely to be ones you like.

Happy New Year, dear Sagittarius!

—-

i am curious about this moon in aries on new year’s eve, as troy is an aries…
let’s see what his horoscope says about new year’s…
just going to include a brief snippet, but it seems what i know of his forecast from last month was pretty accurate, too.

This month, as you may have guessed, is a month about career advancement, money, publishing, broadcasting or academic projects, possible travel, and emphasis on family. What about romance? That will start to bring sparks once Venus enters highly compatible Aquarius on December 20 and stays until January 14.

You luck out again! New Year’s Eve brings the new moon to Aries again – and again you get things precisely as you’d like to see them. Wow, dear Aries! This is your month!

recap central: cross-country kamut road trip, day six: lincoln, omaha.

ACTUAL DATE OF TRAVEL: SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18TH, 2011.
SMALL PICTURES WERE TAKEN BY ROSE ON HER IPHONE; LARGE PICTURES ARE MINE.
—

LINCOLN, NEBRASKA

Woke up too late for church – which I was bummed about because, well, as I always say, “Sleep when I die, bitches!” – but went with the CS boys to Virginia’s Traveler’s Café (3820 Cornhusker Highway) – a place that apparently the locals like to go to. Make no mistake! The locals are chubbbbbbbskiiiiiinnnnns indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed. And, as Rose noted, people fucking LOVE to wear SWEATPANTS!!!

Ostensibly, our young and agile and liberal CS hosts did not seem like the others… until… they… started… eating… Philly cheesesteaks and drinking sodas for breakfast… and that was like… whaaaat. Meanwhile, Rose had the sweetest fake strawberry-topped waffle… and I had oatmeal, with raisins, and also mixed in some peanut butter… wOooOOooOo! Different strokes!!!!!!!!! Different folks!!! Fuck American breakfast!!!! But yeah, seriously. Lots of sweatpants.

Jesse and Michael…

Funny post-meal photo of the boys… this is one of Rose’s iPhone pics, but there is a better one that she took with her film camera where they’re looking super Backstreet Boys-like.

Oh yeah, it’s worth noting that when we first got up, Rose was super tired and had no brain, and I was trying to discuss with her changing our upcoming CouchSurfing plans because she really wanted to meet the Saddle Creek people in Omaha and that would’ve only been possible if we stayed another day in Omaha. Well, ultimately, it was kind of shitty to have spent the extra day in Omaha as opposed to the infinitely more awesome Chicago, buttttttttttttt. Whatever. I was cranky about that at first, definitely, but got over it… or whatever… arghhhhh. But uh, yeah. I was being rather short with her because she seriously had NO morning brain! And I guess that’s not her fault but it was just so frustrating, haha.

—

OMAHA, NEBRASKA

Anyway, the drive to Omaha is only an hour away, so we didn’t really do anything or stop anywhere. I slept the whole time. Went immediately to a coffee shop in downtown Omaha (which Rose had originally thought was a place that Delphine had suggested – only it turned out that Delphine was from LINCOLN not OMAHA, and had suggested places in Lincoln, only well, we blew it)… and worked for a couple hours. Which felt really good because it was my first time doing any work and it was long, long overdue. I was rather stressed for the majority of this trip because I really had stuff to do for the ladies at UW and no time to do it, or no internet access, and didn’t want to be the person who was constantly caught up with doing work and what not. But shit just fucking needs to be done, and sometimes it’s hard to not be given the opportunity to do the shit that needs to be done. Often I think that just because I make my own schedule or whatever it’s hard for people to understand when I do need to work because they think I’m just being like, a workaholic… but it’s not like that at all! (Though I’m not necessarily NOT a workaholic…)

ANYWAY. The coffee shop we ended up at was pretty neat. It’s called Aromas (1033 Jones St.), but I was most interested in the beans they roasted there. There one that was infused with chili pepper and dark chocolate or something? Or was it more complicated than that? In any case, it sounded good, and the espresso was REALLY fucking good, though the barista was not the most jolly dude ever.

After that, went to our CS host Bill’s house. CUUUUTE little house with lovely painted walls – which had colors he picked out, apparently. His roommates were great, particularly this one gal Alley (didn’t talk to the other dude too much). Alley had wanted to make us dinner and stuff one night but had to work so much and study so much that she didn’t really have a chance to hang out too much, which I was pretty bummed on cause she just seems hella rad.

We were going to eat dinner at this hippie-ish café, but it was closed. So we went to Mother India Tandoori Cuisine (3572 Leavenworth St.) pretty close to his house. It’s a teeny-tiny place run by a couple and really like, ghetto foreign supermarket status inside in terms of décor, though they did really love up on a good plant or two. They had plants everywhere, be it on metal exposed piping or in their crazy ass outside patio that looked pretty unsightly. But the food was amazing, and cheap, and actually came with rice included in the price! Outrageous for Indian food! Oh man, that shit was so good.

After dinner, Bill drove us downtown and we checked out this crazy vintage shop / candy shop called Fairmont. Place also has a freaking movie theatre that plays old movies for free all day which is soooo fucking rad. It has a lot of shit going on. Not really sure how much money it really makes, but I definitely bought some candy (mostly shitty peanut buttery kinds… man, I love a Chic-O-Stick), including some chocolate-covered jelly beans and some caramel apple and chocolate caramel caramel corn. FUCK, I LUBS CARAMEL CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My sweet tooth was kiiiiiinda out of control during this trip. Not gonna lie. Anyway, the Fairmont has a pretty interesting history, which you can read about here. (SIDE NOTE: I’m at a 24-hour diner writing this right now, and they’re playing the radio with Deliliah’s show, and that shit fucking rullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllles. I’m so tired of music lately that this is music that works. Man, it’s sad. I dunno why but this road trip kinda fucked up my mental state a LOT.)

I guess this is a Blues Brother. I’ve never actually seen that movie so I don’t have much to say about it. Bill hated the movie so he refused to take a picture with them, haha.

[ROSE'S TUMBLR CAPTION: "Getting eaten by a hippo"]

[ROSE'S TUMBLR CAPTION: "I need these Omaha salt & pepper shakers" – girl was seriously obsessed with them.]

It should be noted that O! is seriously Omaha’s slogan…!!!!!!!!!!!!

Afterwards, we headed to the Homy Inn (1510 North Saddle Creek Rd.) which is honestly pretty fucking awesome. And a bunch of Bill’s friends came out and they were all really cool, though I must say that being in groups of strangers without a solid backbone friend to rely on – and by that I mean, one who socializes in a way that’s similar to how I socialize – I think I give off just the lamest first impression… because I have no interest in small talk, and would rather not talk, and therefore am quiet a lot in group settings. I also don’t talk about myself all that much, which makes it all the more difficult for starting conversations with people, particularly when the people aren’t the type to ask questions about you. I ask questions, but for the uninterested, my asking of questions can only be stretched so far. I dunno. It’s interesting. But these kinds of situations make me feel totally inferior and a bit suck, which is ultimately kind of lame.

Homy Inn has $1.00 peanuts, which they serve in dog bowls…

And so it ended. I talked to Troy outside on the phone for a long while which felt soooo great considering I was feeling sooooo weird — as well as drooled over how awesome this Saddle Creek Laundromat place looked (was totally bummed I didn’t have my camera). That evening, Rose and I shared this futon thing, even though we later discovered there was a spare bed upstairs, and I was totally bummed cause blankets kept getting stolen and Vivians kept getting pushed off. BUT WHUTEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. SUCK IT, ME!!!!!!

not gonna lie…

parents were just here, visiting me, in portland, for a few days.

what can i say… the first couple days were fine, even pleasant, even, though it has to be taken into consideration that it was mostly pleasant because of what it wasn’t — that it was pleasant because i had expected worse and gotten dished out less than “worse.” but hey, standards are standards, although they may not be extremely high. so there’s that.

this particular evening, we went to shandong in portland. first time going to that restaurant, and i must say that i was quite very stoked that there is! indeed! close-in! portland! good! chinese! food! shandong was half americanized, but in a really good way… it was authentic although it catered very much to americans. so i am into it. the dan dan mian (which i will now make in the future nearest) was of particular note, and they have a really good koreanized jja jjang myun… so i’m into that, too. i will definitely be going back, oh yessss. so excited. funny that it is down the street from the ambassador — this really funny chinese food / karaoke place that troy and i went to on our first date. dare i say the ambassador even had a better chinese eggplant dish than shandong, and i’d say the ma po tofu, too? i dare. funny fun fun funs.

anyway. when the parents came, we did some hefty driving, first to silver falls state park — apparently in the amazingly named city called sublimity. that place has like this trail that is 8.5 miles long and goes through 10 waterfalls. the north falls were AMAZING because they fall from pretty high and then have a seating area behind them that is carved into the rock and is basically a circular section looking out onto the opening of the rest of the park. hard to explain — will have to snag a photograph from the mother who actually took photographs — but yeah.

yesterday, we went to astoria (pretty pointless, i must admit) and then to seaside, which looks totally different in the summer! last time i went there was in the winter, or fall or something, with sherry and tinwin. i don’t feel like half the shit that was open this time was open then. i bought a shit ton of salt water taffy. some that was super cheap and some that was more expensive… i must say… more expensive salt water taffy is WAY better than cheaper salt water taffy. the chocolate peanut butter ones i got (more expensive) had real peanut butter and just generally hella ruled. the other kind all kind of tasted artificial, and very little like what flavor it was supposed to, no matter what flavor you got…

the rents met troy and really, really liked him. and generally, they gave everyone a good impression when in a public setting. i feel bad in some ways, because hanging out with them too much makes me turn into this ugly, ugly person that i am usually never like around anyone else; it is just that they are so, so, so suffocating, and negative… and there’s so much a reason that i broke away and live on my own and will never go back. i mean… it’s nice to see them occasionally, but rather horrible to feel like i am constantly being judged and micro-managed. i felt bad in some ways that troy would ask me how my day was — when the rents were here — and i could kind of only answer in the negative because it was a negative… because whereas usually i can make shit roll right off my back, in the case of my immediate family, it is truly, truly something else. i just can’t let shit slide in that way. it’s just not possible… everything is just such, such a far cry from who i am. i am the opposite of planning out every second of my day, of worrying about every little thing… and though i care about those things sometimes more than my friends, the degree to which i’ve scaled it down from my origins is like… almost insurmountable.

but anyway. originally my dad had really not wanted to go to dinner because he thought he’d have to pay for everyone, but he ended up footing the bill, though i have to say that literally the reasoning he gave me was (said in chinese): “it looks better this way.” and yes, it did, but… yeah. i mean… i pick up the details that may get lost in translation but i suppose in every family and with every set of facades, only those who were really in it know the truth? and there are a lot of things i could say but suppress. today, i found myself taking deep breaths a couple of times to get a double-take and to not say things that were biting and unnecessary… but those deep breaths and second thoughts only accounted for like, 2% of the things i probably did end up saying, or the bad attitude that i gave off when i shouldn’t have… i don’t know, man. i don’t know. it’s something i have to work on… because yes, they are in the wrong, but i could act better, too… i could take the attitudes that i take in other aspects of life… of going with the flow… of letting things go… and apply it to these difficult familial situations, as well. i’m learning…

i haven’t updated in a while, so this is a complete brain dump.

my parents met troy a couple nights ago and were quite stoked on him. (we went to blossoming lotus, and i was rather surprised that they kinda liked it… but i was glad to give them the new experience because it was their first time eating at a place with food that said GF — gluten-free, R — raw, and … something else i forget… dad said it made him poop well… dad loves to comment on toilets and bathroom facilities… seriously…) anyhoot. troy seems like the type who would probably please any parent. but seriously, they had nothing but nice things to say about him, which is good. dad even went as far as saying he was pretty good-looking, haha. it’s funny, though, because dad barely said anything to him — but, as troy was pointing out today, of the three things dad DID say to him, one involved inviting him to taiwan in november. which is pretty hilarious. like. dude. we’ve been dating for a month! luckily, i can say these things to troy, and dad can say shit to him (like tonight at dinner: “take care of my daughter!”) amongst a table full of 7 other friends (robby, rachel, shawn, andrew, christopher, rose, gina)… and troy won’t get frightened away. haha. i guess that’s good. the other night at blossoming lotus troy thanked dad for paying for dinner, and he said, “it’s family!” and in a lot of circumstances it would be truly head-in-the-hands “fuuuuuuuuuuuck” — and in this case it was subtle and he barely heard it, but “take care of my daughter!” today was definitely met with a head-in-the-hands reaction on my part and a lot of laughter on everyone else’s part. luckily, it was funny enough that it wasn’t uhhhh hugely awkward. it’s just funny because money is such a “thing” with the rents, and such not a thing for me… they said multiple times, “troy seems nice!” to which i would respond, “he’s the best!” and mom would respond with something like, “the best should still need to know how to earn money!” once, dad said, “i hope he makes enough money to take care of the both of you!” or that “he knows how to plan for your future!” and… firstly, it’s like, dude… we have been dating for a month… secondly, it’s like… dude, we split payment on a lot of things, and i do that with all guys i date… and thirdly, it’s like… dude… we’ve been dating for a month. haha. even if it feels like longer than that…

a couple days ago troy and i went and had a picnic at colonel summers, and i started telling him about a dream i had about george clooney. when i initially told gina this dream, she said, “troy is kind of a george clooney,” and it was only until i started telling him this dream that i began to realize that fuck, the dream kind of was about him, or something. what happened in the dream was that the police were looking for george clooney in this city with super narrow streets and high walls (kind of like siena in italy, or something). they looked for a really long time and could not find him. finally, i think they stop looking, and i run into him. i jump up and hug onto him, like a koala bear, and am bawling FURIOUSLY. i have never cried like this in a dream or in real life. soon thereafter, he lets me down or something, and says, “but i am going to see you in a couple days!” and i instantly start laughing. end of dream. this was when troy was on tour… totally was about him… and i don’t know why i didn’t realize it until that moment when i was retelling it to him. sooooooooooo weird. sooooooooooooooooooo weird.

life is funny, anyway. shit just pops out and punches you in the face and you’re just like… whaaaaaaaaaaaat. there have been no use of words like the “L” word — whatever — but there certainly has this feeling of just this thing being the realest, easiest thing i’ve ever had. it’s pretty fucking crazy. i am really, really happy.

in the work world, too — life is good and easy. i pretty much have not had to look for graphic design projects in a really long time, and everything is just… easy… and it’s good… 2011 is the most magical of years. and i’m just trying to figure out the best way to round the rest of it out. for starters, beginning in mid-september, i will be embarking on a cross-country road trip with rose, who is moving out to new york. it will be something else, i am sure. until then… i have a little more than a month (man, time is flying, again) to do a million things… psychedelic things… helsing junction farm sleepover things… camping under the stars things… loving life things… eating food things… soaking in everything wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful and wonderful things…

i’m ready.

OH DUH. it is to be noted that last saturday, rose, gina, robby, andrew, and i went camping and found an amazing, amazing, amazing situation for ourselves. these are robby’s photographs from his iphone. see below. OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

basically, gina / niko’s friend bobby had a space out in southern washington that he shares with this hippie retreat place… they have a bunch of land friends can camp on. we had a bonfire and basically slept under the stars — no tent — and then went hiking the next day. gina destroyed her really awesome sneakers hiking in the river. ah man. it was good times… there were a lot of s’mores eaten. probably too many s’mores. but it happens…

campground area:

but yeah. we found a really amazing swimming hole with a waterfall. below are pictures from it. pretty much there was life before the waterfall and life after the waterfall… haha.

robby tried to dive into the river with us but then froze to death (0 body fat) and then had to get out. as for andrew and i, we went close to the waterfall and it was seriously 2x closer there. like, it was cold when we got in, but when you got near the waterfall it was some serious shit. afterwards, the four of us were so cold we were seriously retarded. for starters, we could only — in andrew’s terms — “shrimp” to the shore… as in — we were walking upright when we went into the water but crawling on all fours when we got out. it was also like a three mile hike into the waterfall area, through rivers, and while it was slightly challenging and uncomfortable on the way there, on the way back we were seriously being so retarded… practically falling off logs… i felt like i was way closer to nature because of the poor decision-making skills i’d newly possessed: rather than going over a set of fallen branches, for example, i would crawl in between them and find my face now inches from ferns i would have otherwise simply risen above… it was strange, profoundly strange, deliriously delightfully naturally strange. high, high, high!!!!