i understand the struggle,
feel the pulse of breath under the moonlight
and the stars pulling in from edges
of great canopies like maps
twisting in from — and out towards
decisions one can’t make,
spiteful of fading mysteries,
curious of what futures bring
and ambling
up to mountaintops of might and will
down to valleys of guilt and tragedy, still
present here
present here
present here
until words bring floating spirits
soaring concepts twisting to altercation,
fine young wrinkles
with possibilities towards permanent etchings.

feels like i am in some kind of weird hell lately, some weird sexually-frustrating, energy-lacking hell, in which i can no longer determine whether i am at fault, or if others are at fault, or if situations are to blame. sleep, the problem is with not being able to sleep, any longer, as though i am waiting idly by mourning the loss of something, for some future…

curdled milk, curdled stomach, laziness. what the fuck happened, i can guess, but am i to keep pointing fingers in the face of such fallibility of memory? i suppose not. instead, i am going to crunch on my own weird toes, my own purple and cold toes, pastiche, until i find myself at a head with my own guilt, who arrives at my doorstep by way of my saying too much in the name of honesty, by my destruction of things due to to confusion, humanity, logical feeling, past reprisals, conjunctions, injunctions, locking on my legs some chains, a ball, my heart, to failure, to stale bread, to rats and water, to prison doors not slamming but creaking shut with slow, sorrowful lack of intent. bloodying knees, bloodied on hands, between the legs, there, the only relief, as it would provide an excuse, a way out of the perpetual disappointment and guilt compounded by disappointment. i am a creature of fire, no doubt i am here, with all things perfect but one main thing, which has become, as foretold in the stars, destructive, destruction, burning flame raining down upon the growth, the blooms, the flowers. and i’m wondering when the season will come again, when the world’s springtime will align with our springtime, and when the emotions will run high as dust, kicked up like pollen amidst a rainfall, kicked up not to blind or to torture — but to bring attention to, to draw a playful awareness of now and not forever, of now and things will fade… of now, and why are we wasting it upon…

sending letters to boyfs.

oh you know. instead of sleeping. explaining! this was after quite a blinding moment of self-realization. might as well share with the lover. man, i am a complicated person.

i think in my writing exercises tonight, i’ve pinpointed the major new source of my recent anxiety. thought it was weirdly profound, by my own suppositions, and thought that i might share it with you a little bit…

my ramblings began with self-analyzing kind of why i have been rather nostalgic in an obnoxious way lately — curious about stupid shit that i had generally been avoiding or whatever, looking up troy one’s facebook page, for example, or even reading old letters we’d written just to have some idea about what they said. i don’t know why! it’s just kinda been a curious exploration into, “was that really a thing, and why was it a thing?” or something (the answer is still yes, though i forget from time to time).

after these ramblings to self, i thought with a start that it was getting all of these readings lately, and just generally having outside things (or inside things vaguely disguised as outside things) tell me what “my path” is supposed to be that is making me anxious. it is all making me consider my future more than i would like to, and in an unreasonable way. like i’ve been saying so much lately, i feel like i am at a crossroads and that i don’t know what to do… but i feel now, as i am realizing this, that usually i don’t have this fucking problem because i am usually living in the present. but newfound future knowledge is confusing my intuition and causing me to have expectations… or, more accurately, is making me worry about whether or not i’ll live up to my expectations (one always has expectations, after all).

i never thought something like this would even potentially be bothersome!… probably because i never, up until now, believed in predictive things like tarot readings or past life readings with too much conviction. but now, due to my belief in their accuracy and their massive corroborations with one another, i am getting all caught up in the future when the future obviously hasn’t happened and worrying about it pre-emptively is completely pointless. i wrote to myself today that i must re-learn how to live in the present. the future will come, and it is certainly important to be forward-leaning,but i don’t want to expect. it is not becoming of me or natural of me to expect…!!!!!!

i think the dissonance comes from the fact that so many things are telling me things that i already feel. that they are being declared to me in addition to my feeling them transforms them from personal “let’s look and see!’ adventures to embark on into weird mechanized processes to reach an end goal. no fun and not enough mystery in the latter, with the most significant problem being its vague timeline. having a clear-ish sense about events in the future causes me to rely not on intuition and general go-with-the-flow sentiments, which are fun…!, but on neurotic, pressure-laden self-examinations wherein i am constantly wondering if i am making the right moves at any given point in the timeline. it’s almost as if knowing about the future makes me more apt to fuck it up!… as normally i would just do it and not worry about to what ends. it is so obnoxious.

right now, the concrete examples contributing to pressures are probably: a) the film thing; b) the “my people” thing. the film thing because i feel like dreams and mushrooms and psychic readings have all been pointing me to it for quite some time now — but, like i’d mentioned to you, i don’t always feel like working on it. i usually feel it’s important to work on it when inspiration strikes — but because it keeps coming up, i am getting the sense that it will become an important thing, and that is making me feel like i should set goals even when setting goals feels wrong!! then the “my people” thing because i concluded lately that i am feeling rather lonely these days (take no offense <3) because many a close friend moved away and i am also feeling hermitude pretty strong — and i am almost looking with excitement towards whatever future group of people will hypothetically emerge for me to become truly feel at home with… because, like i said, i unfortunately still feel a bit uncomfortable around all of your band and stuff… and i'm waiting for it to blow over, but it's still there… and on top of that, so much more complication…! complication in whether my hypotheses (i told you the g&v) is even correct, and if so, again with the timeline thing… or if it's not correct, who it might be — or worse, whether there is even such a thing as a vaguely-defined path at all! perhaps, instead, there will never be a home of people, and it will eternally be a floating corpse of a loner (as with all my other past lives): me!

arf. i am beginning to realize that perhaps THIS — this time for deep writing and setting oneself back to 0 (it is 4:30am after all) — is the reason why i should probably take nights alone sometimes… more than any other reason. basic sanity, or something. but it's funny, the creature comforts just always make this seem so unnecessary, until slight grievances or emotional complications not dissected by writing build up until i am just "off" somehow…

anyway, because i've felt so disconnected and strange as of late — and been so out of touch with myself that i haven't ben able to explain it at all — i just wanted to share with you the greatest insight i've had in the recent past as to why i am a complete madwoman right now. hope it makes sense and you get it! (you'll get it, i'm sure.)

vivian

^ i am pretty into my own writing lately… not to sound bragadocious. but it pleases me. the inner monologue is fucking stroooooooooooooooooooong.

trying to do a daily post.

dear me,

i am sitting in albina press. i pretty much have nothing to say. there are some cool paintings on the wall which are quite peculiar in tht i really have no idea where they’re coming from. my favorite one has a giant green blob on the right upper hand corner with a sky that is a dark blue gradient that fades to lighter blue as you go towards the upper left of the painting. there are some buildings, and a metrorail or something, and there is an NBC logo out of place in the lower left-hand corner. this artist has a whole series of paintings like this, where famous logos are interspliced with regular banal scenery, for i’m not sure what reason. i somehow really like it, though. i should mention that the giant green blob in the upper right hand corner — which is actually a green-blue blob, kinda, maybe like a really light teal, actually, has a hand outstretched and a sad frown and these really diddly eyes that make him look somewhere between really tired and just super stoned. i don’t know why i like this painting so much, but i do.

to my right are three dudes, two on “my side” of the table, though it is not my side because it’s not my table, and one on the other side of the table. on the radio there is some pretty chaotic raucous music that is somewhere between dream pop and electronic madness and bands i don’t quite like but people like like animal collective with echoey vocals and ethereal backgrounds, and i don’t really care for this either, though it has more ’80s-influenced beats and this crazy bassline — for just a second — just came in and suddenly this song just turned super ’80s, i’m not srue what happened there. interesting.

in any case. i have a lot of ideas lately but it’s not quite the same type of ideas as before. i don’t really know what i’m doing. once again, i am just doing shit.

sincerely,

vivian

———- addendum: it is funny that the only caps in the entire post say NBC, or at least i think that’s true. shit, that’s like an advertisement for them or something.

i guess i will write a thing.

i am sitting at sweetpea with gina and my brain is completely dead from this past weekend of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex, soooooooooooooo yeah. yesterday was also dead. today is deader. today there feels like a void inside my brain and that it is banging around in some hollow space, rather, that hollow space is not hollow but a swirling mess of air, dense and pushing…

also i can’t connect to the redefine website right now, so all attempts to work are for naught, which is super, super annoying…

blahhhhh probably won’t be staying here for much longer.

but until then… some new year’s resolutions. (may go back and write more…)

{ year-round daily }
- at least ten minutes of writing for no purpose at all a day, or more… but at least a minimum of ten minutes will be dedicated to writing without any sort of goal or mission and more just writing to see what happens. more unconscious writing, i suppose.

{ year-round multiple times a week }
- meditation for at least 30 minutes at least 30 times a week.

{ year-round general }
- get a past life regression reading.
- finding book publisher.
- posting book online on a personal website, with forum-type locale for others to share info.

{ january }
- giving book to gina, troy, and robby (first round).
- giving book to sherry, jeanette, and bp (second round).
- getting troy or sherry to edit a copy.
- find venue for sxsw show.
- attain timeline for the year 2011 from astrology zone.
- no coffee for the entire month, or possibly beyond that as well.

{ february }
- giving book to … (third round).
- solidify lineup for sxsw show.

{ march }
- go to sxsw.
- road-trip back from sxsw through desert.

{ april }
- run-through of the entire shamanic mysteries of egypt book.

{ july }
- go to portugal and spain.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sagittarius Horoscope for January 2012

By Susan Miller

Your career has shown exciting progress ever since Mars entered your tenth house of fame and honors in mid-November. Mars is not leaving any time soon – he will remain here until July 3 – so you have plenty of time to make your mark this year. Because Mars only comes by this area of your chart every two years, its arrival there is a sure indication you have a rare ability to see your name in lights and bring a major contribution to the marketplace. You’ve been building momentum, but you may have noticed that lately progress has slowed, and you may have blamed that on the recent year-end holidays. That is not the reason.

Mars is currently slowing down his orbit, and that has affected you. During normal times, it takes Mars about two days to move one degree, but lately, if you study NASA’s table of planetary progress, called an ephemeris, you will see it is taking Mars five days to complete the same journey. That’s VERY slow, and when he proceeds slowly, your career does too. Think of Mars as the high-octane fuel that acts as the booster rocket to all your biggest initiatives. You need Mars to be in strong form to ensure a proper launch to all your plans, and alas, you will have to be patient while Mars rests in retrograde.

Specifically, Mars will go retrograde from January 23 to April 13, and once that happens, he won’t make any progress forward at all. Conditions outside your control will create delays. Mars is the natural ruler of your solar fifth house of creativity, so it appears that you are working on something completely original and creative, possibly an artistic expression. If so, you have such a good chance of success!

Knowing that Mars will slow his orbit more with every passing day means you will have to get as many professional matters signed, sealed, and delivered as you can well in advance of the January 23 retrograde date. I suggest you use the full moon January 9 (plus 5 days) as your absolute deadline because going too close to the retrograde will not serve any positive purpose.

During that waiting phase that will extend from January 23 to April 13, you will have a golden opportunity to go over plans and make needed course corrections. When the US aimed its rockets to the moon, the general public assumed the rocket holding the astronauts simply landed there on cue. In truth, it took all the scientists on the ground a lot of careful monitoring to continually coax the rocket back on course. Had they not done that, reports say that the rocket might have been millions of miles off course and not even close to making a moon landing. Take inspiration in this truth!

All champions make things look easy, but they know you can never push the button, put your feet up and read the newspaper. If you do, the story you will read on the front page is that you missed the mark and are out of business! I doubt that would ever happen to you, though, because these days you appear to be on top of your game and very passionate about the project you are working on. Continue to tweak your strategy and tactics – Mars retrograde will give you the time you need to get things done to perfection. The fact that Mars is in Virgo suggests that details will count and that there may be many complexities to organize so that all the parts run smoothly. You can handle whatever comes up.

Here is a handy tip: In any given month, you will always make the most progress in the days that fall between date of the onset of the new moon to the date of the full moon plus five days. Then, after the full moon has completely waned, you will always enter into a planning and research period, not favorable for launching new efforts, but excellent for perfecting your strategy behind closed doors. At that point you must wait until the next new moon to initiate plans again. (I am not even touching on Mercury retrograde, which you also have to pay attention to, as that would not be the time to act either. My Year Ahead 2012 calendar gives all the retrograde dates of planets, in easy to understand English, with no astrological glyphs. You can read it!)

As you see, in January, after the full moon wanes on January 13, you will be too close to the start of Mars’ retrograde period January 23 to push any big initiative forward. You CAN act from January 1-12, but from January 13 on, you would do best to delay any important launches to the new moon, April 21. That new moon will be sugar and spice, so you would have the right time to move forward.

Your timing in early January will be excellent if you can move that fast. The new moon of December 24 lit your second house of earned income, so if you have not yet asked for a raise, you must do so immediately. I say that because with each passing day, the power of that new moon will be diminished a little more. Imagine a souffle that continues to sink after you take it out of the oven – that’s the power of a new moon lessening with each passing day.

That December 24 new moon appeared in your salary sector and received rare support from good fortune planet Jupiter, now touring your area of work projects (sixth house). This almost never happens! Jupiter always brings outstanding financial benefits to all that he touches, a good sign your timing would be ideal to get a rise approved or, if you are self-employed, to bring in new lucrative clients and assignments.

Planets were playing a few games with us last month, for at the same time Uranus was in hard angle to that December 24 new moon, which is not good news. This suggests one of two possible outcomes. You may have (or will) be able to generate more income but will see money go out just as fast as it comes in because a creative project will need more time, energy, and money to keep it going.

If that was not the case, it alternatively could have been that you generated more income, but last month’s socializing and gift giving cost you more than you would have anticipated. Or, your child (no matter what his or her age) may have needed you to write some hefty checks for just about any reason.

I want to draw your attention to the full moon of January 9 (Cancer 18 degrees). This full moon will be positive from head to toe and likely bring you all the good news you have been longing to hear about money! This lovely lady in white – the moon – will signal Mars, currently in your tenth house of fame and professional achievement.

Clearly, this full moon will show you that the work you’ve been turning out has put you in line for a generous compensation, possibly through a royalty or commission fee. This full moon will light your eighth house of venture capital, bonuses, bank loans, mortgage and refinancing plans, court settlements, divorce agreements, and other such types of funding, so these will be your most lucrative areas of gain.

Near January 9, you will see a final conclusion to financial matters, and the news should please you. Jupiter will also be friendly to Mercury, a wonderful aspect on so many levels! I love how neatly this full moon will tie your performance and compensation together in such a straightforward, positive way!

Next, put a big red circle around January 12 too, the day when Mars, still in strong shape, will tie the Sun in your house of personal finances to your reputation and standing in the industry. Wow, January is certainly reward time, dear Sagittarius. Soon you’ll be singing, “Money, Money, Money!”

The only truly tough day for your finances might arrive on January 19, a sad kind of day, when Saturn will be in hard angle to the Sun. You may feel tired or overly criticized by someone in authority. Don’t let this day crush your confidence. These days you are on a roll, and almost nothing can stop you now! Do not loan money to a friend on this day or close to it, not unless you don’t care if you ever see that money again! Just a note to the wise!

Your home may get some loving attention from you this month too, now that Venus will tour your home sector from January 14 until February 7. Next month will bring a far bigger and better time for solving and advancing home-related matters, but for now, you can add some stylish touches to your decor. Venus beautifies all that she touches, so add flowers or accessories, or give a room a new coat of paint – Venus will see that you love your choices.

If you would like to give a party at home, you might want to consider my favorite date for that, January 14, when Venus and Jupiter, your ruler, dine together on your behalf. Give your party at home, not at a club, to make best use of these lovely, shimmering vibrations.

By month’s end, you have another new moon, on January 23 (Aquarius, 3 degrees) to light your third house of communication, a trend that will last for two weeks. At this time, you may start work on your website or blog, or call your publicist to start work on an upcoming campaign. Alternatively, you may simply want to think about how to redo your Facebook page to make it more compelling.

You might design a direct mail advertising campaign to send out later if you are a small business, or huddle with your ad agency about a future ad campaign if you are a bigger company. Remember, Mars will go retrograde from this date, January 23. You should not make any competitive moves until after April 13, the date Mars will finally turn around. For best results, await the new moon in your projects sector, April 21.

Some exciting travel may also come up suddenly and spontaneously at this new moon, January 23. If so, it would be a trip that you thoroughly enjoy, even though it would take you only a short distance from home. The best part about this new moon is that it will receive a beam from Uranus, the planet of surprise. If you think you have no reason to travel this month, that may change, and nothing puts a smile on your face faster than an unexpected trip, dear Sagittarius!

If your birthday falls on November 24 plus five days or minus two, you will see the most benefits from this new moon.

This month your best period for romantic razzle-dazzle will be from January 1 to 13, when Venus will be in Aquarius, an air sign that has the power to bring oxygen to your fire sign element, causing you to burn even more brightly! Love and travel will go hand in hand, so if you do get a raise this month, maybe you will feel you can afford a romantic stay at a charming bed and breakfast with your sweetheart or spouse and enjoy some quality time alone. If you have children, see if grandma wouldn’t mind babysitting for one night.

There will be other weekends that are over-the-moon wonderful for a weekend away with the one you love. The first will be January 21, when Uranus and the Sun will cook up lots of spontaneous fun.

Then, on January 28, Mercury and Uranus will combine forces, and again, you may decide at the last minute that this weekend will be perfect for private time together in a beautiful setting not far from home.

If you are attached, the recent eclipses in Gemini and Sagittarius have been testing the strength of your closest relationship. Did you notice if something special happened to your alliance near December 10? If your birthday falls on that day or within five days of this date, you were likely to hear something.

If your relationship is strong, you either found out the truth of that last month, or soon will. If, on the other hand, this relationship is not made for the long road, you will know that too. If nothing at all happened last month that affected your love life, watch this month’s full moon, January 9 plus or minus four days, because sometimes an eclipse will send you a delayed message.

If you did hear something last month about your partner, no more news is due for now – you can rest. If the news was positive, you may have become engaged, so you can and will, of course, celebrate! If the news was or will not be good – in fact, shocking (near January 9) – then you will spend the rest of the month sorting things out and deciding what you’d like to do about what you learned. There is no fated outcome – the future always lies in your hands.

There is also some indication that if you are single, you may meet a top level VIP in your company who interests you and causes your pulse to race. Every time you see one another, you begin to drop papers, and co-workers may have noticed your whole demeanor changes. Your voice changes, you become a little more nervous, for example.

This can be a tricky situation, as Mars is the ruler of your house of love and will move through your tenth house of profession for months, until July 3. I worry that combining your career with an affair with a top level VIP could derail your career. You are on such a fast track to success, and an affair could undo your efforts. Be careful, dear Sagittarius. Even though you think you can keep your feelings secret, sooner or later someone will notice. Is it really worth it? If so, one of you may want to change companies.

Your most romantic days this month will be: January 8, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, 23, 24, and 28-29.

feel like a human.

i feel like a human today! for the first time in a long time – though i am certain the respite is temporary. there is a creeping shadow of discontent visible in my peripheral vision, but in this instant i am finally willing to make plans to face human beings again! once they are solidified, i shall be forced to associate rather than hole up and disassociate, which is far too easy lately. for in a time where my emotional follies yearn to be acknowledged, others seem to hardly notice or bat an eye, so busy they are clambering over their own neuroses. potential significant others and uncontrollable biological tendencies envelop their minds in the midst of full springtime bloom, and certainly no one can blame them — we are all enraptured by ourselves — but now more than ever i understand and wish to explore the comforts found in obsessing over one’s own self. it has been a conscious decision as of late to spurn the excessive yammering of others, and on a near daily basis, i go as far as telling them i’ve no interest or energy to soak up their rants. suffering silently seems unappealing, and verbal declarations against it originate from the portion of myself which wishes to forego a formality often found in kindness. whereas a former self would not have considered such a formality a formality at all but a blessed moment in which to enjoy the wealth of human idiosyncrasies, the present self desires only to make slight space for selfish pursuit. solitary leisure, after all, is simply solitary, and as such, grows increasingly enticing – for i am less likely to let down by “i” than by “he” or “she”. donning such a mentality in the interest of self-protection serves also as a nostalgic reversion to the days of yore, when i, aged ten, learned to thrive within the calming isolation of written words and first received a hint towards the type of being i would later become.

tilt-o-whirl.

tucked into the illustrious folds of this past evening was a version of myself i hope never to encounter again — not five months from now, not ten years from now. not when i begin to grow grey-haired and pock-brained, not even when i realize that i am alone and unloved, do i want this depressant version of myself to emerge again. what i saw this evening was neither me nor a respectable twin; it was me as defined by the energies of others, swept up by the pep and the step of consumptive fevers and allayed fears. it was me, had i never seen the world, never loved a person, never truly lived a moment in my life.

all evening, their affectations feigned distinguished forms. they attracted attention through the droll — discussions of stock markets and housing booms, wage increases and pension plans — all boring me to slack-jawed, blurry-eyed disconnect.

the warning is there, floating around amongst the distractions. “life is not being lived completely!,” it cries, but they heed it not. they have not the desire, but just as much lack the means; their feeble minds cannot even conceptualize the details of an alternative plane. but mechanized biological reactions flash bright red indicators. action speaks where a limited comprehension of self cannot.

their version of living life to the fullest can be found in every over-sweetened dessert and hyper-caffeinated drink they can’t help but order. beneath every thoughtless payment for consumptive delights, a fighting animal instinct struggles, scratching at the walls of the reptilian brain. with hopes of signaling to the rational mind, it primal screams: “beyond your confines lies freedom!,” but its oblivious brother heeds it not. it goes on devouring.

tonight, their sugar courses through my veins. i shake occasionally in the pacifying lethargy. i can’t help it; my rational mind asks questions.

interesting.

someone twitter-linked me and i got 24 visits today from that. who would do that? and to where? interesting.

—

in any case.
emotions sure are a strange thing.
my mind is telling me that everything is alright, but my body is not.
then again, my mind went back earlier this afternoon to thinking nothing was alright…

—

today crushes me beneath its insidious weight, ever-taunting me with the fact that i will accomplish none of which i set out to do today.

from within my limited field of vision — if “limited” does not assume too grand a scope — days like today are when divination is ousted and marred by the endless possibilities of free will. when free will fails to offer to me the mobility, the motivation, to make it willful, or me willing, there is only wretched, wretched helplessness, now multiplied tenfold, due to the personal responsibility newly revealed to me by the nature of the situation. the incapacitation dealt out by the wealth of universal possibility cripples the beauty of myself, of everyone around me, of abilities, solutions, circumstances. even the most innocent of individuals, or inanimate objects, become tasteless, unattractive, bungled mistakes lacking the potential to be rescued from outward fates, or even by themselves. suddenly, all sentient beings are afflicted with the same lack. relative suffering goes out the window. we are all linked equally by how wretchedly helpless we are.

—

Aaah, late night R&B slow jam radio, how could I have forgotten you? You sum up what I love about music — that it can really reach the core of your being, that it begs to be consumed, voraciously, much more than many things, and definitely much more than sleep! I miss KMEL.

I don’t know what else to do right now, anyway. Between listening to this and writing inane shit… I’m at a loss. So. Pointless. My only hope is that I wake up tomorrow, invigorated.

Other than that, R&B and hip-hop songs I need to have…!!! These songs are all so fucking good… ughhh. THANKS KMEL.

Trey Songz – Can’t Be Friends
Diddy-dirty Money – Loving You No More
Lloyd – Lay It Down
Chris Brown – Look At Me Now
Fabolous – You Be Killin Em
Mary J. Blige / P. Diddy / Lil’ Wayne – Someone To Love Me
Lil’ Wayne – 6 Foot 7 Foot
Miguel – Sure Thing

caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajun.

inversion,
in this form
reconstitutes its borders
into framed petals,
unwrapped.

i write because i know not how not not to in these moments.
ever i find myself more caught up in my own thoughts.
it’s horrible.
but it is a moment of introspection –
of a returning to familiar grounds,
which i have not truly tread for years.
i am turning back inwards,
into myself,
a simultaneous blessing and a curse.
but from a interactive level,
i’m having a fucking hard time giving a shit about anyone else.
like i said:
it’s horrible.
i hate it.
but i just need this time to sort out my dismay.
then i can get back to asking people all about themselves.
because that’s all i ever do.
i just want to be selfish,
to indulge in me me me me me me me me me,
to better me
without constantly doing the thing i always do,
which is turning the conversation outwards
to ask everyone else a million things about themselves
while avoiding the topic of me.
who the hell are we all anyway,
and why do these windows keep giving me a glare of unreality…
if even such simplicities can turn me inside out
what won’t, idiot!

if a prospector can mine for gold through centuries of dirt, so shall i.

—

12:45
i just got dropped off at bottom of the hill in san francisco for a ty segall and trmrs show. i wasn’t on the godamn list even though i just confirmed it yesterday. so i walked back to the financial district-ish… took me a bit more than an hour. i got back and told tinwin and her friend this; they said i was CRAZYYYYYYYY. “look what portland has done to you,” they said, but it isn’t portland that has done this to me; it is other parts of the country, where i never know a soul, where my lack of advanced gadgetry leaves me ignorant to bus routes. walking is not simply traveling, though; it’s exploration.

what moments of lucidity to be found in night walks… of seeing a city’s dimmed delicacies! layered cascades of shadows cast by trees and framed windows harboring any number of panels — ranging from cardboard inlays to the pristine! in that setting, child-like wonderment remains commonplace rather than luxurious and foreign — one sees an old world with new eyes when in the night, when given the moments, presented by mobility, to reconsider all. the clarity they offer is transcendent.

night walks are the fucking best! i would trade them for nothing! absolutely nothing!

—

01:09
and finally, this letter i have been crafting for a month’s time; i think it’s ready. i think i’m ready. hope to talk to you in the future nearest to ours, where we will be real human beings, saying and doing real things.

we gather as moths to the light.

tomorrow, i meet one of my writers, of five+ years, whom i have yet to meet. this will be the first time. i’m excited.

this track below is from the death cab for cutie album, transatlanticism. as “un-hip” as death cab is in recent times, i can still remember the first time i heard about them. it was from my “gothic” and rather hermity freshman year roommate, who often smelled a bit surprisingly like cheese, and really, really loved radiohead. her name was julia. she had pretty good taste in music — far superior to my next roommate, who was far worse, though on the surface a much “nice little asian girl,” rather than a gothic hermit. in many ways, i rather liked my freshman year roommate, though we were drastically different at the time. in any case, i remember her listening to death cab for cutie — i think “company calls” was a notable track — and it was instantly appealing… i had no idea who they were at the time… and how humorous that i am now here, and now who i am…

transatlanticism, at the forefront of death cab’s journey into un-hipness, still means a lot to me. it is nostalgic. i recently (a couple days ago) found the album burned onto a cd in the car. i don’t know when i put it in there, but it must have been quite a while ago. re-discovering it has been quite pleasant… even if the feelings are bittersweet.

there are three, embedded into this album’s whole.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends;
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again,
And it seems by the time that I have figured what it’s worth,
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

But if I move my place in line, I’ll lose.
And I have waited, the anticipation’s got me glued.

I am waiting for something to go wrong;
I am waiting for familiar resolve.

Sometimes it seems that I don’t have the skills to recollect –
The twists and turns of plots that turned us from lovers to friends.
I’m thinking I should take that volume back up off the shelf,
And crack its weary spine and read to help remind myself.

But if I move my place in line, I’ll lose;
And I have waited, the anticipation’s got me glued.

I am waiting for something to go wrong;
I am waiting for familiar resolve.
I am waiting for another repeat,
Another diet fed by crippling defeat.
And I am waiting for that sense of relief;
I am waiting for you to flee the scene
As if you held in your hand the smoking gun
And on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

And it’s strange –
They are basically the same,
So I don’t ask names anymore.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends;
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again,
And it seems by the time that I have figured what it’s worth,
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – EXPO ’86

—

The Atlantic was born today and I’ll tell you how.
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere,
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door
Have been silenced forevermore.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row;
It seems further than ever before.

I need you so much closer.

So come on…
Come on.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – TRANSATLANTICISM.