… just saw La Dispute, to the great joy of my emoness. By happy coincidence (I was left off a guest list I was supposed to be on and happened to run into Jordan), I learned tonight that the vocalist discovered a review I wrote last year and found it so memorable that he knew me and my publication by name! He thanked me, stressing that he rarely enjoys reading what people write about his band but did in that case. While artists often receive direct feedback, journalism (as I know it) is largely unprofitable and thankless. For one of my favorite musicians to know me for my work — something with much wider-reaching implications than myself — is an honor. That I could pass on to him a very personal manuscript tonight is another. There are things to be thankful for, and a lot of times we make them as much as they make us. It feels important to make note of them. – http://www.redefinemag.com/2011/la-dispute-live-show-review/

i had shown troy my book once.
he became jealous of the ghost which defines me.
but it was fleeting.

he asked me that same night why i called him — the first him — the unmentionable other.
it was a term that came to light as i was writing the draft.
“it gives him a lot of power,” he said to me.
it does, indeed.
but he holds all the power.
by fleeing.

a henry miller quote attests to it.
i found this quote in tropic of capricorn just weeks ago.
it now ends my book.

“Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction. Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside, in life, as they say, lay the solution to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. Instead I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for something to attach myself to — and I found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something I had not looked for — myself. I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live — if what others are doing is called living — but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest in living, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of it at the same time, and beyond it.”

it is halfway done.
i am re-reading sartre’s nausea now, more than half a year after when i finished it.
knee-deep in my own book, i feel in a sense that my book is an extension of nausea.
be that good or bad.
derivative or not.
but this one is rooted in my experience.
real experience.
in the forward to nausea, hayden carruth says of sartre:

“For a number of years, he has been at work on his autobiography, and in the first volume, Les Mots, which was published recently in France, he has disclaimed hi early works, including Nausea and Being and Nothingness, on the ground that he had had no philosophical right to assume the position of superior, all-knowing authorship in relation to the people and problems in his books.”

in my case… this is my life.
i assume authorship over my own life.
i own it and will therefore not regret it.
not even in its ugliest.

—

la dispute’s new album is out.
the lyrics are marvelous, as with the previous one.
just now, i am sitting in fred meyer’s.
partially with my brain in the world of my own book…
and the experiences which led me to that book.

this song below speaks to that.
kind of.

but i have found more completion in it.
no hypotheticals.

—

What will I find?
Some sacred thing to help me handle the tragedy?
Or did I once-Did I have it and lose it?

No one should ever have to walk through the fire alone.
No one should ever have to brave that storm. No,
Everybody needs someone or something.

And when I sing, don’t I sing your name out
Right at the same time that I sing my own?

Some days I swear I can feel you splitting the light through the window frame.
The shapes it makes are always warmer, always brighter than the rest of what comes through.

Some days I swear I can hear you sing to me or whisper my name in the slightest way.
It’s like the warmest light now laid across my bedroom floor is somehow actually you and
Not just sunlight.

I have the memory climb down the balcony.
I put a flower on the back of its dress.
It’s probably best to forget it.
It’s probably best to let go.
I paint it the shade of where the skin and the lip meet,
Only a moment after breaking the kiss. And
I blur out everything else.
That’s how I choose to remember it.

Some nights are a lot like the days, I lay awake too late, I watch the shadows casted
Trace your shape. Those silver slivers on the wall then on the bedsheets.
I hear your song in the trees. I finally fall into rest.
Often later when I’m sleeping you show up in my dreams.
Just doing simple things, like buying groceries.
And when I wake up I could swear you must’ve just left me
Like you got up to make breakfast or maybe just to get dressed.

But the truth is, you were never there. You won’t ever be.
Sometimes I think I’m not either so what do I do
When every day still seems to start and end with you?
And you won’t ever know, you won’t ever see,
How much your ghost since then has been defining me.

I leave the memory up atop the balcony.
I tear this flower from the back of the dress.
It’s best this time, I bet, to just forget and let go.
Paint it the shade of where the lip bleeds and blur it out.
I blur out everything else, just blur out everything else.
And let go, and let go, and let go.

Everybody has to let go someday
Everybody has to let go.

I wonder when I will. I wonder.

But if I still hear you singing in every city I meet
After I blur it all out, our every memory, if
You never fade with the days, your shape still haunting me then,
Should I not just sing along?
Should I not just sing along?

I will sing sweetly hope that the notes change but
I do not need it to happen. I’m not resigned to it. And
If they never do I’ll sing your name in every line.
Just like I did throughout this. Just like I’ve always done.
In every gun, the empty church, and every tortured son.
In all those giving up. In all those giving in.
Until I die I will sing our names in unison.

Until I die I will sing our names in unison.

LA DISPUTE – YOU AND I IN UNISON.

mercurial.

i am ever so proud of what i do, yet i am hollowed out… hollowed.

(the devil and god are raging inside me.) (brand new)
brand new will eternally mean a lot to me. and to so many others.
emo 4 lyfe. the stigma matters not.

i met my writer david today. first time in like six years (seriously) or whatever. it was a pleasant meeting; i treated him to lunch to say, “hey, thanks for being a writing slave for years!” in a sense, he was equally thankful, i think… but in a different way. from his point of view, it’s more like… he works a 9-5 job in a law office but loves music and writing, and this keeps that part of him alive. luckily, he is happily married and with child, even though he lives in the suburbs. i think it is a bittersweet thing, but ultimately sweeter than bitter…

tomorrow, tinwin gets married. hopefully i won’t be all depressed like i was at the last marriage i went to. haha. the lat marriage i went to, for some reason, really just… bummed me out… because it was so… generic… if i am to get married, you can bet that shit is going to be a fucking party… a unique one. i don’t really think so much about marriage because it is so far removed from my existence, but i assume that will change sometime soon, perhaps. everyone is always asking me if i am interested in marriage (and to an extent, surprised when i say that i do expect to be married sometime). it’s not an end-all, break-all for me, though, if marriage doesn’t happen. it simply doesn’t matter if the other person happens to be significantly against it. but i do imagine it happening, if only because it’s the best godamn reason for the coolest party on the planet…!!!! is that a horrible reason to get married? whatever. it’s as horrible as any other. ;p

anyway, for her wedding tomorrow, i’m going to help take photographs… that should be a good time. i am so different from all of them. but i guess it’s cool in my book to have as diverse a set of friends as i do.

aaron once told me that i was like no one else i ever knew, simply because no one else he knew would ever like the valley arena. hahahahahhaa. the funniest reasoning, but it makes sense, to some degree. it’s like how i can never find anyone who likes la dispute. most people simply aren’t that broad in their tastes.

i think that’s why redefine is cool — because it’s so broad because everyone contributes his or her own unique tastes to it, and sometimes they overlap. but that’s also what makes it difficult; when a publication is super niche, it’s easier for it to find its audience. when it’s casting a wide net, and has a shit ton of content, it’s also easy for it to find its audience. but when the net is cast wide and only reels in a few fish (horrible analogy, sorry) — which is our case — you can bet there’s an audience, but it’s a hard audience to find. but i feel like that audience is an audience that truly loves music. unfortunately, i don’t have any statistical proof of this, and the only proof i have is second-hand… an example being that we did an article and video series on metavari, and they reported to me that they sold a bunch of records shortly thereafter. now that is awesome. it’s awesome to see journalism actually leading to action…

i realized today that i am proud of what i do. really, really proud. this dawned on me because i was listening to our mixtapes (of which i would recommend the ones by atelier ciseaux, skrot up, and marjorie for valentine’s day… as well as my own icelandic ones, but that’s cheating, isn’t it?)

a lot of people i know personally have a hard time reading our publication just because they don’t recognize any of their names. i suppose the ideal point, though, is that we become like a boutique label, where we finely curate and filter through all the bullshit to give people, who will trust our opinion, what they want. we do the filtering so they don’t have to. i mean… someone out there appreciates this, or we wouldn’t have 400-500 unique visitors a day… but i don’t know who those people are, and i don’t know how i can find out. it’s an interesting quandary… but again… it feels good to have a product that i feel like is growing without my/our sacrificing any of our journalistic integrity.

la dispute la dispute la dispute.

seriously. something about this band and this record. one of my all-time favorites, for sure. for sure for sure.

you always know the right things to say to me, la dispute.
i can’t believe i fucking interviewed them and deleted it by accident.
and this was two years ago.
before they got all fucking huge.
i suck suck suck suck.
i will never forgive myself.
they are on the up-and-up to hardcore legendary status.
ugh.

Now speak of anger,
forget all the fears you’ve kept about love and sex and death and faith,
erased, or swinging sweet from around her neck and between her breasts.
Let every lonely body finally break its fear of flesh and say,
“How strange it must’ve been back when we shook at the sight of sweat.”
Let our worries wander out of like water streaming from a spring,
and sing of all the things our heads have failed to ruin yet.
There’s so much they have failed to ruin yet.
Bright as lightning, loud as thunder,
We’ll move all the hurt aside to let love sustain our passions,
And move up and onward.
We are not our losses, we are only the extent to which we love.
So build a home for your family, and build a castle for your friends.
Now set their beds with sheets and blanketã, keep them safe until the end.
I’ve felt the damage and burn from the fallout.
My love failed but theirs prevailed.
My friends, I’m only flesh and bone,
but I won’t let you die alone.
So leave our hearts at the foot of the mountain.
Let our burdens be locked in the stone.
If you will help me roll it upward,
I won’t let you die alone.
I see a beauty springing upward from the earth and from out our hearts.
For all the bad that seems to plague us, I swear to you there’s good.
They say that death is not a problem, it’s a promise,
I can only say for sure that when it makes your bed I’ll kiss your head “Goodnight.”
So speak of all the love we lost, and what it cost us,
Left us beg our breath to stop but we kept on and
We were strong. We stayed bright as lightning,
we sang loud as thunder, we moved ever forward.
We are not our failures. We are love.
LA DISPUTE – THE CASTLE BUILDERS.

recap central: chicago, illinois and detroit, michigan.

tuesday, september 22nd, 2009.
going offa old notes, here.

- brekky with michael: he cooked eggs and stuff – don’t remember what exactly haha! oops!
- fly in from long beach.
- meet with jericho: he picked me up from the subway station and we ate at stix — this kabob and wrap place which was pretty good!
- too late for la dispute show: it ridiculously began at 5:00pm wtf?? i called them and they were like, yeeeaaaaah a lotta our friends missed our set, too.
- go drinkin’: jericho’s neighborhood is kinda in a cool hip part of town. i forget the name of it but we went to a bar and the bartender chick made me a really yummy drink cuz the long island cost too much and i know nothing about alcohol and wasn’t sure what to order other than beers and shots and long islands, haha.
- overnight trip to detroit: not scary at all really and the people were all really normal and this is from quote unquote one of the shadiest cities in the states to an even shadier one (who am i quoting, you ask? no idea — i made up all of that completely!) but really, it feels like chicago has a mega bad reputation and i’m not sure why at all because even around the greyhound station it felt safe, and that’s practically the ultimate test, haha!

wednesday, september 23rd, 2009.
a day in detroit. i don’t have notes for detroit so i’m actually going to write it like normal-ish. got there really early and putzed around downtown. tried to find a hotel asap so i could get a map. went into mgm grand but it was fucking weird because it wasn’t really a hotel, but a conference center, so i just kinda hung out upstairs stealthily in the conference area playing around on the computer and most importantly, charging my phone!!! outside the mgm grand there were tons of “no standing” signs, which was my first time seeing them so i found them extremely funny (but since then i’ve seen them a whole bunch in other cities). eventually, as i was leaving mgm grand, i asked them for a map and got one and just walked around downtown a lot, really aimlessly, really. i think i got to detroit at like, 6:00am or something ridiculous like that, and i just walked straight down this main thoroughfare and past all these kind of ruined buildings and schools and stuff. got hit on… a lot. luckily, i could use the, “i don’t live here,” line, and i wasn’t lying. the first guy to hit on me i forgot the name of — i think it was randy. he was nice enough and i kept running into him and it was only the third time that he actually introduced himself. of course, i didn’t see him again after that. he told me to be careful down there. cute.

there were lots of really amazing victorian and otherwise-styled houses that were completely abandoned and overgrown. to be honest, i wanted to go to some more ghettoer parts of town but i didn’t feel entirely comfortable unfortunately.

there was a really old walgreen’s around, and this was their display window, full of cool medical relics and stuff. i reckon they got it from some houses around the area, but it was really fucking cool.

hung out in this starbucks for a while (blech) because it was the only coffee shop around, and it had the longest line EVER, i swear.

fox theatre.

found a falafel place and another coffee shop and kinda wanted to eat both, but i was looking for wireless and neither of them seemed to have it. eventually i was standing outside the coffee shop trying to steal their wireless when the guy in there motioned for me to come in, and i told him my plight, and even though they had wireless it wasn’t working on my ipod touch, so he lent me his laptop, which was really nice of him. he talked to me for a while and talked about this one book he was reading that said that asians had roots in africa and that’s why we tan and don’t burn and don’t need to wear sunscreen or something. he said from far away before i entered the store, he thought i was a black woman. interesting? i guess i am pretty dark right now?

random detroit tigers thing on an abandoned place next to the coffee shop.

giant general motors headquarters looms in the background.

came across the most amazing freaking store, man. it basically just stored stuff that would be put up for auction… such really, really amazing pieces in there. upholstered chairs, beautiful chandeliers, stained glass things… everything. amazing.

went towards the waterfront and there was this — the henry ford theatre, completely abandoned and falling apart in the heart of downtown. couldn’t go in, unfortunately.

waterfront. since i was in detroit for so long by myself, i sat in random places a lot. at this waterfront, i sat for a while, laughing at the guy next to me who was singing with headphones on… and singing really horribly. and rapping as well. and rapping horribly.

as i was about to leave that place, this one dude stopped me and asked me to take a pic, and i thought it meant me take a pic of him and his two friends. what he actually meant was his two friends take a pic of me. he was totally drunk even though it was the middle of the day. so i was like, whatever, and took a pic with him, and then he told me to go on a walk with him. i thought, why not, since it was the middle of downtown — what could he possibly do to me? so i went on a walk with him. he kept wanting to take photos and i kept saying no. we just walked along the waterfront a bit and then he brought me into the general motors building since i hadn’t been there yet. he asked me if i was hungry and i said not really. then he just goes to the cafe downstairs and grabs a salad and walks out. i’m thinking, wtf? but think he’s going to pay somewhere, and he doesn’t. we go upstairs and walk around and he keeps asking me what i wanna do, and i’m kinda incredulously saying that i have no idea. and then eventually we run out of stuff to do so we go upstairs to the starbucks area and he of course lets a businessman go in front of him so he can be the last one in line, then asks me if i like frappaccinos, then takes one and leaves. after this, i’m like, “i gotta go,” and he’s like, “why? do you want me to put that back?” and i’m like, “yeah,” and he’s like, “no!” and kinda grabs my hand and tries to leave. i keep insisting i have to go and am looking for an exit and we eventually exit. he’s this totally plump black dude with kind of a dirty shirt and reeking of alcohol — in comparison to these really nicely dressed businessmen and such. he’s fucking hilarious, though, on the way out he just stops by to talk to random strangers nonstop, including addressing one particular businessman as “donald trump”, which the guy found funny. amongst other similar funny things. anyway, i’m insisting that i have to go and meet up with la dispute (a lie, really, because i don’t have to meet up with them until much later) and he’s like, “well, before you leave, eat your salad,” and i grudgingly agree to do it… so we sit on a street corner and he basically watches me eat the salad. and i’m picking out the bacon and chicken, and he’s like, “why aren’t you eating that?” and i’m like, “i don’t eat meat,” and he’s basically like, “that’s why i picked this salad!” (which makes completely and utterly zero sense). after i finish eating it, i’m like, “okay, i gotta go,” and he’s like, “first drink your drink!” and i’m like, “i’ll drink some of it, but not all of it,” and i take a sip and then say i have to go. he asks me for my number and i give it to him, just for shits and giggles, really, cause even if he calls, that’s whatevers, go ahead and call. oh i should mention that throughout this time period he first starts off by calling me his girlfriend, then his wife, then his friend, then his sister. lol. hahahahahahahah. and that was his justification for being able to “borrow” food from the place — because his “sister” works there and he does that allllllllllllllllllll the time. anyway. he gives me a hug finally and says that if he calls i better pick up (he never does) and that i shouldn’t talk to ANYONE. which is hilarious.

abandoned.

hit up the la dispute show at nighttime, and it’s cool and stuffs. the show is good on their end but there’s an asshole next to me. such an asshole. first, his friend spits on the ground, and he’s like, “they’d cane you in cambodia,” and i’m like, thinking, dude, it’s not cambodia, it’s singapore, and then he says, “well maybe it’s indonesia, because they’re a muslim country, and muslim countries are backwards,” and he starts talking about muslims and basically how they all need to die because they’re soo backwards and in one muslim country a girl got raped and it was her who got punished not the rapist (truth, but that’s not ALL muslim countries, for starters). then he makes this joke about the dead asian girl who got killed at yale and then stuffed into a wall, and is like, “before she died she begged the killer, ‘don’t kill me, i sucky sucky for free,’” which is just in REALLY bad taste. and as la dispute are coming on stage, i pull out my dSLR, and his friend is like, “she has a dSLR,” and he’s like, “why am i not surprised?” and i was like, “you’re pretty much the biggest dumbass ever,” and he instantly fell silent. then i was just seething the whole godamn time because it’s fucking ridiculous! what’s worse — the dude isn’t even freaking godamn white. he’s like… a minority. i don’t know what minority, but what the FUCK.

anyway, la dispute’s show was fine, although their sound seemed a bit off and the main guitar wasn’t loud enough. might’ve been because i was on the left side of the stage, though. either way. after the show, i highly felt the need to tell the guy off. so i went up to him and said, “i’ve never done this before, but first off, it’s singapore, not indonesia you’re looking for,” and he kinda nodded and said okay and was really quiet and friend one kinda smirked and laughed, and then i was like, “second, not every muslim country is the same just like not every christian country is the same,” and friend two was like, “we don’t need a lecture.” lastly, i was like, “and the reason i have a camera is not because i’m asian, but because i run a music magazine,” and friend three was like, “you should put him in your magazine!” and i’m like, “what, douchebag’s corner?” and he’s like, “yeah!” and then i left. douchebags.

interviewed la dispute shortly thereafter, and it was a little teeny bit awkward because i don’t think they are the best people to interview and also, they’re young. but it was mostly fine (except i later accidentally deleted their interview in my phone in a fit of confusion and bitterness… completely unrelated, days later). but they were nice kids, for sure.

la dispute performing “sad prayers for guilty bodies.”

thursday performing “division st.”

caught part of thursday’s set and like the last some of the fall of troy’s set… then i leave before thursday finishes cause that shit is boring. CLICK HERE TO SEE REVIEW OF THURSDAY. i walk late night to the greyhound station in detroit, and it’s fine, cause really, how dangerous can it be? there’s like no one on the godamn streets.

thursday, september 24th, 2009.
- get in town at like 6:00am: take the overnight greyhound from detroit. sleep on couch pretty much right after jericho leaves his house to go to work.
- freak out jericho’s roommate’s bf: well, he woke up at 11:00am or something and was yapping on the phone and even walking back and forth from the dining room to the bathroom (and crossing where i was) and i finally stirred and he was like HOLY SHIT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE THERE!! not the most observant feller, evidently.
- meant to wake up at 9am but phone was on silent so i woke up at noon: again, because of jericho’s roommate’s bf.

- planetarium at 3pm after bus confusion: i thought i’d miss the last showing and almost didn’t go because the place closed at 4pm, but there was actually a 3:30 showing.
- caught 3:30 showing.


- saw cool old-school diorama stuff, like a fake physics classroom from way back in the day. also, in the first pic above, a teeny tiny book galileo wrote on. it was actually legible :0 second pic above is an old school sundial.
- learned the north star isn’t the brightest; sirius is: but i actually almost fell asleep during some parts of the planetarium showcase. oops.

skyline near the planetarium.
- walked around downtown.


buckingham fountain (aka “married with children” fountain)… the first pic is supposed to be a seahorse that’s on it. hahahahhahhahah. sea horse, my ass.

cool ass art installation thing downtown.
- raining!

dinosaur!!

street puppet car or something, but i didn’t actually see the performances or anything.



- deep dish pizza!!!!! from gino’s east. SO GOOD.

jericho! yay! thanks!

- chairlift / micachu and the shapes: at schubas tavern. it was initially a close call between pizza and the show but the show ended up being later than it was originally supposed to be.
- angry heckling guy: really hated micachu and the shapes and went up to them asking them, “what is this??” and the keyboardist chick is like, “what is what?” and he’s like, “that… is that music? that’s not music.” he was really angry. i was like, “music means different things to different people,” and he said, “i’m asking HER.” ridiculous. he was such a douche. and such a douche in particular because for these situations, the band you came to see (chairlift) is the band that brought the band you hate (micachu and the shapes) so they obviously consider that band to be MUSIC. – READ MY REVIEW OF THIS SHOW HERE!

micachu and the shapes performing “curly teeth”.

chairlift performing “garbage”.
- crazy detroit sports fan: stopped us in the street after we were leaving the show and was babbling about how safe chicago was and how you couldn’t walk around at night in detroit or go jogging (a lie, really, because i definitely saw people jogging!)
- bed!!

life is (mostly) good.

life is good, it’s mostly good, but it’s tiring, this tour of life, this poop of scoop. massive updates to come. shit. dawg.

in the meantime.
la dispute.
sound was a little off this night. nonetheless.

david lynch is captain obvious.

i’m listening to… portugal. the man’s the satanic satanist disc.

i’m pretty tired, but real quick… watched “eraserhead” with cole tonight and was struck by how hilarious david lynch is… in the rambling drunken grandpa kinda way. here are some quotes from the extras section of the dvd, with the subheading being labeled “story”. it was funny, cause lynch was basically like, i don’t remember anything about eraserhead — where the name came from or how it was written — but here’s this long ass schpeil about my schooling and, in detail, the wood paneling of this principle’s office… rofls.

DAVID LYNCH, ON SWEATERS:
“And I thought to myself that in California, people wear sweaters! So it must sometimes be cool at night or something, because it was kind of a night-time thing, I imagined. And I thought, ‘What a great climate, that it’s warm in the day, and cool in the night — cool enough to wear a sweater!”

another quote, unverbatim:

DAVID LYNCH, ON THE SET OF ERASERHEAD:
“And there was a camera room, where we stored the camera equipment, and what we called the food room, which was where we ate.”

genius.

anyway, asides from that, jetblue airlines had this crazy $600 fly-wherever-you-want deal today between september 8th and october 8th. being that i’m homeless and literally the timing is PERFECT because september 8th is practically the first day i can travel post-burning man. anyway, i’ll be over the place, but i’m pretty stoked because i’ll be able to catch la dispute FINALLY and fever ray on their limited five united states tour dates tour and portugal. the man in seattle or portland and a couple of nurses dates that overlap with my travel plans… this will be largely a music-oriented trip, as these concerts will be in there, as will musicfest nw and fucking cmj! it overlaps with cmj!!!! so fucking piiiiiiyummmmp.

in other news, i bought an ipod touch the other day.

in other news, the valley arena played berbati’s pan last night, and they’re old friends of john and aaron‘s, so there was a bit o’ hanging out. it was cool. also caught this other band called the ocean age, and they were pretty good… well, half-half. half was really quite good and half was like mehhh.

unfortunately, though, it’s probably the last tour the valley arena will ever go on, so we’ll see if i ever get to see them perform again… unless i’m in california for some reason. boo-fucking-hoo-huk. oh well.

aaron and john (and john’s roommate, nate) came over to pick me up and aaron’s car started steaming and overheating so they had to parallel park-push it into a parking spot, hahaaaaaa. i also actually drank a fucking long island iced tea and it was the best long island iced tea i’ve ever had! so delishious… and i saw the guy fill up the alcohol, too. it was like all alcohol but it was really good. i’ve drunken bits and pieces of alcohol three times this week, which is a LOT for me (even if i didn’t really finish a whole drink by myself, even, except for once). i discovered that i rather think newcastle beer is tolerably good. interesting.

earlier, i was dozing off in random teeny tiny portions of “eraserhead” — mostly these moments with nothing going on except for this droning ambient noise (that’s most of the movie, one would argue, but it isn’t, actually)… and yeah, it was weird, it lulled me into this weird dream/wake state. hard to explain.

anyway.

god i want to stop writing, but merrr. i need to update my old blogs from peru still and the last portland trip and this past weekend at karen’s wedding. shit is never going to happen, lol ~_____~ i’m so behind on all the freelance work i have to do. AAAAHHHHH!!

la. dispute.

Best. Lyrics. Ever. Fuck, to be able to write this well… and to make such music. Amazing.

—

Out where the stones lay like bones by the ocean,
Out where the waves crash contempt on the land,
Someone was trembling for fear of the tempest;
Somebody silently reached for their hand.
Said, understand that if you’re cold I’ll keep you warm,
And besides, there’s so much beauty in a storm…
So come down with me to the shore,
And what’s more; I adore you.

So tell me, what is there to fear?
You think some seraph up above is trying to rob us of our love,
Because the sky’s not clear?
My dear, you know there’s not…
Now listen to the rain upon the rooftop.

But the wind picked up.

Out where the stones stand up like thrones beside the ocean,
Out where the waves make a grave of the sea,
The lovers struggled in the middle of the tempest…
And water angrily crawled up onto the beach.
Said, hold my hand, and stay with me;
We’ll be released.
But the tide clung like an anchor to her feet,
And though he tried to make the water line recede,
It pulled her out into the sea.

He could not break apart the waves to bring her safely back in.
He watched her hand break through the surface once,
Then disappear again.
Forever wait inside the sea for me,
My dear, I hear you.
You speak in every curling wave,
And sing in every violent breeze.
Someday not far away from here,
My dear, I swear I’ll see you,
And we will hear the seraphs cry,
For they will still envy you and I…

How they envied you and I.
How they envied you and I.
How they envied you and I.

LA DISPUTE – FALL DOWN, NEVER GOT BACK UP AGAIN.

—

Oh, we could blame it on our hands…
They lifted the drink to our mouths, so we drank it.
Or we could blame it on our bodies;
They say, we like the way we feel when we get touched.

You’ve got your fingers snared in my veins;
I think it’s time you pulled them out.
And I don’t care about the flesh, it’ll tear…
It isn’t flesh that I’m worried about.

We held a match to keep our sight on the path,
But the flame gave up and we lost it,
And I’ve knelt for the last three years,
Trying to find it back with the blackened matchstick.

Today I’m not afraid of failure;
The past is a flower,
The future, the snow.
I wasn’t ever close to perfect,
But I never let you go.

You let your doubt like a river lead you on and on and on,
And you will never get back to save what you had,
Hear me promise:
I will bury your problems in me.

So sleep soundly,
I held your heart in my fingers
Now it’s gone, it’s gone, it’s gone, and you will never admit,
That you bid the wind blow the flames out,
And buried the coals in the sea.

You tricked me.

You came back and you brought floods,
Wearing a necklace made of hearts that you’d dragged through the mud,
And I guess I wasn’t quite sure what to say to you.

But then I saw mine, almost reached out to grab it,
Said, “Darling, you’re the only one on earth I want to have it,”
But now I’m not so sure that was true,
After the hell you put it through,
But there was no sharp pain this time,
Just the ghost of your presence compressing my chest like a vine –
An unshakable absence,
Like most of my insides crawled out of my mouth and went west,
But that’s fine.

We cast our hearts in plaster;
We imagined our bodies were fashioned of stone,
But they chipped at the brick and mortar.
We found out that we’re only layers of skin hiding bone.

And our bones are like chains, old and rusted in the rain;
They’re going to snap when the weight shifts.

You moved like a fire through the forest.
Your hands were as red as the skin on your lips.
You’d been flirting with distance, princess;
I tasted it’s spit in your kiss.
Oh mistress, know:
Today I will bury the flames of your failure.
The past is a liar,
The future, a whore.
I’ll lay your bones into the earth and you will haunt my head no more.

Oh, we could blame it on our hands.
Oh, we could blame it on our hands,
But it was our mouths that opened up to swallow,
And our heads that commanded us drink.
But as I buried your flames in the dirt,
I watched the smoke pull your ghost from the grave,
And I fear they’ll only lie in wait,
Until we are face to face again.

Just when I said, I’m moving, I’m moving on,
I felt them come to life again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

There are fires,
That tear through valleys and make dust from grass.
There are fires,
There are wires,
Bound in blue light, they pull us to the past.
There are wires,
We are tired,
We should have known from the start that this wouldn’t last.
We are tired.

LA DISPUTE – BURY YOUR FLAME.

—

You still cross my mind from time to lime. And I mostly smile.
Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why
So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen,
Trying to figure out what my head thinks,
But my head just ain’t what it used to be.
And then again, what’s the point anyway?

I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony,
To see if you could see me — hidden quietly away.
I remember the skin of your fingers,
The spot three quarters up I’d always touch when I was out of things to say.
You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak.
You were too afraid to speak, and I could never understand.
I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear,
That not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand.

And I remember how you smiled through the smoke,
In a crowded little coffeehouse and laughed at all my jokes.
And I remember the way that you dressed and,
How we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat,
And I remember when I knew that you’d be leaving,
How I barely kept up breathing,
And I bet if I had to do it all again, I’d feel the same pain,
And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears,
How I wept to god in fits. I’ve hated airports ever since.

It must be true what people say… that only time can heal the pain.
And every single day I feel it fade away, but –
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
And lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.

I still remember how we held so strong to this,
Though we had never really settled on a way out.

I still remember the silence,
And how we’d always find a way to turn and run to our mistakes.

I still remember how it all came back together, just to fall apart again.

My dear, I hear your voice in mine.

I’ve been alone here,
I’ve been alone here.
I’ve been afraid, my dear.

I’ve been at home here,
I’ve been at home here.
You’ve been away for years.

I’ve been alone.
I’ve been alone.
I’ve been alone.

I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.

So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can’t love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.

LA DISPUTE – ANDRIA.

—

I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you —
Heard your voice but couldn’t tell that it was you.
And, slowly, watched your sickness slip away into a place
That I’d once feared, but I was not afraid this time.

So I gave chase and found it, finally, slowly feeding from your head,
And from my friends, and from my family, so I grabbed it by the neck.
“For every lover you have ruined…” I dug my nails into its flesh.
“… and every life that you have taken…”
Slammed its head against the brick.
Its blood poured out onto the pavement,
I stirred it in with dirt and spit.
“I will take a part of you.”
I made mortar from the mix.
Tore every organ from its body,
Broke its bone and fashioned bricks,
I laid the mortar in between;
I made a throne for hope to sit.
“Too long you’ve torn us into pieces,
Firmly held onto our wrists.
Today I bury you in me.”
I swallowed every inch of it.

I’ll hold you, as you have held me –
You’ve held me in your heart.
We’ll be set free from fear.
We’ll be set free.
We’ve felt our failures.
We’ve watched our passions leave, but we’re still breathing on.
But we’re still breathing on.

I’ll hold you, as you have held me,
You’ve held me in your heart.
And I will hold you in my heart.

But I still see him dead in the parking lot at the gas station just down the street,
And I still hear my friend say,
“You know, you wouldn’t believe the things I saw when I was stationed overseas.”
But he somehow keeps smiling in spite all of that,
While I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad.

Oh, how selfish of myself to always say that it was more than I could take,
Like it was pain I couldn’t shake,
Like it could break me with its fingers, throw my body in the lake,
And I would slowly sink away,
But the Truth is, it was sorrow that I made and would not face.
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past,
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last, like it defines me,
Or reminds me I’ve found comfort in my suffering,
And uncertainty in happiness and death,
Because what’s next is such a mystery to me,
And I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see.

Friends and family, put your hand into my hand and lay your head into my chest.
You are all that I have left here.
We are all that we have left.

We are the lovers,
We are the last of our kind.
Link your arms and keep your chin up,
And I swear that we’ll be fine.

We are the lovers,
We are the last of our kind.

Though we’re not sure who we are,
We keep our heads up.
Though we’re not sure where we’re from,
We keep our hearts up.
Though we’re not sure when we’ll leave,
We keep our heads up.
Though we’re not sure where we’ll go,
We keep our hopes up.

Keep your head up.
We’re fine.
Just keep your head up.
I swear we’ll be alright.

Keep your head up.
My friends, my friends,
Keep your head up.
I swear.
I swear we’ll never die.
I swear.

We’ll get home safe and sound, I swear.
I swear we’ll never die, I swear.
We’ll live on underground, I swear.

I will give your heart a place to rest when everything you had has turned and left.

I’ll weave your names into my ribcage, lock your hearts inside my chest.
Regain the passion I once carried, do away with all the rest.
I tore the sickness from your bodies — smashed its head against the bricks.
I made a castle from its bones that you may always dwell in it.

So sing for every buried moment that you’d thought would never end.
And sing your fears about the future, and a dirge for faded friends.
For all the love that you had held to, why it somehow failed to keep.
And sing each minute you’ve been frightened — every hour that you’ve lost sleep.

And sing for all your friends and family; sing for those who didn’t survive.
But sing not for their final outcome; sing a song of how they tried.
We live amidst a violent storm; leaves us unsatisfied at best,
So fill your hearts with what’s important, and be done with all the rest.

We are what’s left of what we once were;
We are falling far behind.
There’s so much stacking up against us, and we’re running out of time.

We are but hopeful children, and we’re the last of our kind.
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never –

We are but friends and family; we are the last of our kind.
So hold my hand, I’ll lift your head up, and I promise we’ll be fine.

We are but hopeful lovers, and we are running out of time.
There’s so much stacking up against us, and we’re falling far behind.

We are but hopeful lovers; we are the last of our kind,
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-

We are but lovers; we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-

We are but lovers; we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, we will never die.

LA DISPUTE – THE LOST CONTINENT.